2011 New Beginnings

I woke up this morning realising this is the last day of 2011. Wow was my first thought. Where has the year gone? Then I lay silently and as still as I could; letting thoughts stream uninterrupted and unfiltered through my mind. I closed my eyes and let the feelings of those thoughts wash over my body. I opened my eyes and silently gave thanks for the wonders, the trials, and the tribulations of 2011.

The number 11 spiritually means new beginnings. And with every beginning there is an ending. 2011 was certainly a year of many endings and beginnings for me. I remember waking from a troubled sleep at The Fairmont Southampton Princess on New Year’s Day and feeling compelled to creep out of bed to go to the sliding glass doors.  I remember opening the doors inhaling the fresh air and looking out over the dark sky and ocean; allowing the darkness to seep into my being. I remember turning to look back into the room and watching my husband in one bed and my son and daughter in the other sleeping soundly. I remember feeling a sense of peace.

I remember then turning back to the outdoors and watching in awe as the brilliant red sun slowly rose over the horizon almost like it was being born from the ocean. The redness of the sun and the stillness of the ocean were mesmerising. I remember a feeling of change washing over me as a chill ran through me letting me know I was going to go through the majority of the year on my own having to face my own demons. I remember a voice saying to me that I would have to rely on me and no one else to get me through the year. I remember feeling very alone and somewhat afraid. I remember wanting to turn away from the feeling and at the same time wanting to stay with the feeling to truly experience it. I remember a silent tear trickling down my face as a sadness crept into my being but I did not understand why. I let the tear fall and let the weight of the message sink into my being.

 I remember the fear giving way to acceptance as the full sun looking like the red yolk of an egg rose majestically out of the ocean casting its red light across the flat sea shimmering, swirling without a cloud in the sky. I remember seeing the mirror image of the red sun on the ocean and being fascinated by the duality of the image.  I remember feeling like no matter what the year brought I would handle it.  

As I turned away from the outdoors, the brilliant red sun was quickly obscured by dark clouds. The light swallowed up by the dark as heavy clouds rolled in out of nowhere. I remember thinking how quickly everything changes. I remember shaking off the premonition I had experienced thinking I was being paranoid. Now when I look back at the beginning of 2011 I know I was being sent a message to take care of me first then everything around me would fall into place. And I realise now how important it is to listen to that voice inside because when we do it never leads us astray.

2011 began with a red sun rising over the horizon with me standing on my own. It is ending with me ready to embrace whatever change comes my way because I have survived and risen above much more than I ever dreamed would happen to me in one year – the loss of a job, the loss of myself for quite some time, the loss of income, the loss of friends, the loss of work colleagues, the loss of plans, the loss of so much more than I can ever articulate here. Yet I gained much more than I lost. I gained a new sense of self, a renewed sense of faith, hope and empathy, a deeper understanding of human nature, the power of forgiveness, a renewed desire to write, the gift of spending time with my family, and the gift of journeying back to me.

And what’s even more wonderful is I am still standing but now much wiser, much more grateful and much more resilient because I know I am that I am and I am exactly where I am meant to be.  And it is with gratitude, love and light that I bid 2011 adieu for it helped to shape me into who I am today.

The Duality of our existence is reflected in those who enter our lives

“In life you will meet two kinds of people, ones who will hold you up and one who will tear you down. In the end you will thank them both.” Toure.

I read this quote yesterday and it really made my heart sing. Sometimes we are so down and out on our luck that we forget that everyone comes into our lives for a reason. Even those people we come to despise. But as time moves on, we realise the people that caused us the most pain taught us something invaluable about ourselves and about life.

The people we despise are actually our greatest teachers and this is why we feel so much passion towards them.  Though they are hurting us and in some cases tearing us apart they are teaching us to dig deep to understand what we will and will not tolerate. What we want and do not want. How we want to be treated and not treated. How we can learn empathy rather than sympathy. How much more we have to learn about ourselves. These people challenge us to almost a breaking point sometimes and when they do, know they are our deepest darkest shadows asking us to address whatever it is we are trying to suppress from the world and more importantly from ourselves.

The people who are in our lives to build us up are the easiest people we encounter because they are there for us no matter what and they provide the crutch we need when we are facing our shadow selves. Those of us who are fortunate enough to have these angels in our lives have so much to be grateful for because these people stand by us without judgement and without regret. They stand by us offering us glimmers into our light side to remind us the darkness shall soon pass.

Those who are against us are mirrors to our shadow selves. Those who build us up are mirrors to our light selves. Both are necessary to provide us with the balance and growth we need to become who we are meant to be. Embrace both of these people because they are here to help us to become our authentic selves.  Hard to do sometimes but necessary for our growth.

Ben Breedlove - A Love story about life and death

Last night I came across the story about a courageous young man called Ben Breedlove. He died on Christmas Day after opening presents with his family. He was only 18 years old. But what touched me more than anything is how Ben lived the breadth of his life rather than just the length of it.

He had a show on YouTube called Breedlove TV where he gave girls advice on how to date guys and he was a vivacious and spunky young man. So sure of himself.  So sure of his life. He had a serious heart condition that tried to take him three times before it finally did on Christmas Day. Though sometimes he feared for his life, at no point did he become a victim to his condition.  After the second and third time he cheated death, he accepted his fate without knowing he had but continued to live out his life as he was supposed to do.

Ben died suddenly but not unexpectedly on Christmas Day but not before leaving behind the greatest gift any parent could ever want in the face of their child’s death. He left behind two videos showing he was ready to move to the next phase of his journey.  The videos showed a story of love, acceptance and a knowingness that all of us have about how and when we are going to die. Ben’s videos show that he had overcome our human fear of the unknown by being willing to move on to the greatest unknown for us all –  death and what happens after we die?

Ben produced a wordless video where he shows a snapshot of his life on index cards. Though he doesn’t speak, his written words and facial expressions say it all. I cried when I watched it for the first time because I could not believe the maturity of this boy who looked so full of life but yet was so willing to accept he was going to die. I watched it again so I could really look at Ben and this time I was filled with joy because what I saw in Ben’s eyes was the infinity of our existence. His eyes were bright, deep and full of light, love and life. There was no fear in his eyes. There was no end in his eyes. There was only life and continuity. And there was a deep feeling of faith in him. An acceptance of the peace that comes after the struggle we face here on earth.

I watched the video again for the third time this morning. This time with my son. I showed it to my son because I wanted him to see that life is for the living and that when the time comes for us to go there will be no stopping it. I wanted him to understand that he needs to live the breadth of his life because the length of it can be very short.

Ben’s last words on his index cards were that he was very proud of his life, very proud of what he had accomplished and he was only 18 years old. How many of us at our older ages can say the same about our lives? How many of us can be ready to face death with the same expectancy, acceptance and love that Ben did?

Ben Breedlove’s last message to us all I believe is to live life and be proud of who we are because none of us can cheat the greatest unknown of our lives – death - so why live in fear of it? Ben Breedlove, an apt last name because in his death he is still breeding love for us globally. RIP Ben Breedlove. May you soar with the angels in the beautiful suit you had in your last vision.

If you would like to watch Ben's moving story, I have attached the links here:

Part 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=tmlTHfVaU9o

Part 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4LSEXsvRAI&feature=related

The Journey of Here & Now

The Journey of Here & Now

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; ...

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I woke up with this prayer on my mind because I have so many moving pieces in my life right now that I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. And I went to bed last night asking the Universe to guide me to give me the strength and answers to make it through my trials. I woke up this morning with this prayer going through my mind and knew it was a message from my angels so I decided to write my blog today based on this prayer.

This is a prayer that comes to me in times of trouble and I used to have the first half of it on my desk at work because it is something I like to close my eyes and go back to when I feel that all around me is chaos and I need to remind myself to stand still and not get sucked into the chaos.  I wanted to share this prayer with you my readers because there are lots of us going through transitions, having to make major decisions and come to terms with the place we are in our lives right now. For some it is more dramatic and traumatic than others but change is always a challenge and always frightening even when we think it is not.

Trying to navigate through the darkness when the light is dim or dull is tough but as this prayer says we cannot change circumstances outside our control and for those we have to be willing to let them go. However what we can change is the way we react to them and surrender to the lessons we are meant to learn, But more importantly each day we have to wake up with gratitude for another day, for all that we have and live in the present moment. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Powerful and life changing words. Life was never meant to be a struggle. It only becomes a struggle when we allow ourselves to believe we have the power to change circumstance and people outside of ourselves and we live in fear of the unknown rather than focusing on the present.  A wonderful reminder to us all. May you find the serenity in your lives.

PS for those of you offended by the word God, substitute whomever or whatever you believe is your Divine for the prayer to resonate with you.

Sometimes we just have to wait

Sometimes I want to sit so still so no one notices I am there. Sometimes I want to be as quiet as a mouse so I can hear what the universe is whispering to me. Sometimes I wish I could be everything to everyone to make everyone happy even though I know I can’t make anyone else happy but me.

Sometimes I wish I was a magician and could wave my magic wand and bring peace everywhere because sometimes it’s so hard to get people to see the abundance they have right in front of their faces because they are so busy looking for Neverland and the Sugar Plum Fairy.

Sometimes I wish I would not get angry with people who get angry with me. I wish I could remain as calm as I know I should when their attacks and comments start tearing at my heart because I know they are speaking about themselves and not about me. But what I know is that I am human, flawed and with my own scars and sometimes when I am attacked, I attack back. It is those times that I wish I could turn back the hands of time and rewrite what has happened but I can’t because I am human and I do not have a magic wand and I cannot be everything to everyone and I cannot make everyone happy.

I get disappointed sometimes with the place I find myself in and wonder what I did to get there and try to figure a way out of it so the disappointment does not wear me down. It is these time that I repeat to myself over and over again, “I know I am never a victim, I am here to learn particularly when everything and everyone is testing me. “

With this mantra with me,  I look the obstacle in its face and try my hardest to send it love and light and more importantly to give myself love and light so I can feel strong again. And when I can’t change the obstacle because the obstacle is not ready to change, I choose to say nothing, to do nothing but just surrender to whatever it is and wait, have patience to know that the obstacle is there to teach me something and in time it will reveal itself. I tell myself I can’t let it keep pulling me down because then the lesson will take longer for me to learn. Sometimes, I have to know to let it go and trust that everything is being worked out for my highest and best good.  I tell myself I have to surrender and let it go in my own imperfect human way. And wait.

Give love every day

Well another Christmas Day has passed. Every Christmas we have my dad at our house, just the five of us and we sit outside on our porch enjoying the beautiful Christmas Day weather, talking and being in each other’s company. All feelings of regret are pushed aside and instead replaced with feelings of nostalgia. He comes alive when he is with us on Christmas Day, full of stories, anecdotes and life. Yesterday I watched him and thought about how his life has changed over the years.

I looked at my dad who is now 83 years old and I thought about how he was only my age when my mother died suddenly and how his life changed overnight. I looked at him and wondered how he really felt that night when he woke us all up to see our mother for the last time. I watched him for any signs of how he really feels about his life. He is of the old school where he does not talk about how he really feels about anything. He grumbles a lot and hides his real feelings behind his gruffness.

My dad said, “I am glad I am on my way out. I feel sorry for you and your children as this place is in a mess.” I agreed with him because I wanted him to have his stage. His platform. But then I thought are we too late? Can we do something to stop the destruction and ill will that is spreading so prolifically through the world?

I subtly changed the subject back to the good times and I saw the light come back into his eyes. His whole posture changed and I felt a lightness come back into his spirit. My children starting telling jokes from their Christmas crackers.  The whole mood of the dinner table lightened. We all put on our funny Christmas hats and sat and laughed and joked. All of us. Differences were cast aside as the sombreness of the world was replaced with the joy of laughter.  It was at that point that I knew each one of us has the power to shift the state of consciousness our world is facing by staying in a place of love and abundance rather than in hate and lack.

When my husband left to take my dad back home and my children settled into playing with their new Christmas treats, I logged onto Facebook. It warmed my heart to look at all the messages floating back and forth. Of friends far and near posting their well wishes. Of the feeling of hope laced with pure love, peace, and joy. And it felt really good. If only we could carry those feelings of genuine warmth and love with us all the time no matter what the obstacles are that confront us. If only we could harness that communal feeling of goodwill and keep it with us all the time how we could really change the world.

Yesterday confirmed to me that at the base of it all, all of us want love more than anything else. None of us wants the pain to continue.  And that’s why Christmas comes one day a year to remind us of love, joy, peace and abundance.

So let’s try really hard to continue to spread those feelings of love, abundance, peace and joy we felt on Christmas Day by first feeling them ourselves.  This is the only way we can change our world by being at one with who we are. Showing gratitude everyday for all that we have. Each one of us has a story to tell. Each one of us has experienced pain. Each one of us has experienced love. Each one of us knows how good it feels to be loved and appreciated. So that’s our mission from now on. Not just give love on Christmas Day but every day.

In the Spirit of Abundance with Gratitude

Yesterday was an incredible day for me. It was a day of pure abundance and gratitude and I believe it was directly as a result of me succumbing to my feelings– releasing my tears of pain then picking myself up and moving on ready to face whatever came my way. And what a difference that release made.

Doors opened I thought were closed. Opportunities resurfaced I thought were buried. Appointments I could not get became available. No matter where I went whether in busy Hamilton or wherever else, a parking space was waiting for me in exactly the place I needed to be. Gifts I was looking for which were supposedly sold out, I found in places I never thought possible. People who were unfriendly at first became friendly when I smiled at them. Strangers offered me assistance without me having to ask.

With every one of these blessings, I whispered my gratitude to the universe recognising each one for the gift it was. One right after the other. Confirming to me that life can be really ugly sometimes but as long as we face it for what it is, learn from it and keep persevering even when everything around us is conspiring against us, in time we will all have a day like I had today. A day when the Universe shines down on us letting us know all is well.

Today is Christmas Eve, the last day to get all the things I need to get done before the holiday sets in and I am going to go about this day with the same gratitude I felt yesterday. I will do my utmost to bring joy into the lives of others who may feel there is nothing to be joyful about. Reminding them even on the darkest days there is always something that will bring joy to our hearts. Even if it’s as simple as looking someone in the eye and acknowledging them so they can know we have really seen them, validating them, making them feel worthy.

Yesterday was truly a magical day. It really made my heart sing and I will try to share that magic with others because we never know what someone is going through and how we can lift their spirits by being angels for the day.

I probably will not write my blog on Christmas Day so I am wishing you all a very Merry Christmas.  May the spirit of Christmas be with you over the holiday season.  May Christmas day be magical and full of joy for you and yours.  Happy Holidays. Peace , Love and Light.

A good cry is healing

I had a good cry today. A cry for what was. A cry for what I thought was going to be. And then I stopped because I realised I was not in the present moment. I was punishing myself for decisions I had made and I was punishing myself for what had not even happened. I realised I needed to focus on the only moment where I could change anything and that is in the present moment.

Sometimes it is good to grieve. Sometimes it’s good to feel your sadness just as long as you remember at all times we have the power to shift the mood we are in. We have the power to be whomever we want to be. People will come into our lives to make us think otherwise but that’s because those people do not believe they have the power to change their own lives so they do what’s easiest – try to control and change the lives of others. And for a time they feel good that they have exerted their power of others but soon enough they realise they still carry the same pain they had before they hurt someone else. They feel it even worse.

Before we go out trying to change the world and anyone we come into contact with, what we have to do first is accept who we are for what we are, warts, mistakes, problems and all.

Crying is healing. It is a way for the soul to express its sorrow for the pain we are in. It is a release to ourselves but we cannot hold onto it once it’s released because then we wallow in what we cannot change. The release of tears is a way of forgiving ourselves for where we are.  It is not a judgement but an act of love from deep within – a gift for us to move on cleansed of the pain.

Instead of wishing, just do

I wish I could bare my soul to the world to receive support and love. I wish I could be brutally honest about what I desire so my desires could be achieved. I wish the world was nonjudgmental and not out to trample on anyone it perceives has a weakness.

I wish I had a crystal ball so that I can be in control of my life at all times. I wish. I wish .I wish.

Instead of wishing all the time, I know that I am capable of all these things but it is ego that is holding me back. Forcing me into predefined roles about who I am and what I should be. There’s a word - should. Should is a judgemental word – did you realise that. It is a word that has conditions attached to it because it is scolding us for what we did not do or don’t want to do. Listen to the connotations of the word the next time you use it and you will see it for what it is.

Instead of wishing for my life to change, to be what I want it to be. I have to do. Wishing is easy. Doing is hard. Because when we do we step out into the world, we expose ourselves to judgement both from ourselves and others. It’s almost as if we are standing naked in front of lots of people not knowing whether our nakedness is acceptable or not. When what we need to be asking is whether it is really who we are and what we want to do.

Self judgement is the ego asking us who do we think we are. Self judgement is what keeps us in the wishing stage. Doing is what takes us out and allows us to be whatever we want but we have to be strong enough for the attacks, the gossip, the snickering because our world does not really like success because it makes whomever is not successful feel like a failure.

Stepping out of life’s mediocrity and standing firm on the World Stage as who you are takes a lot of courage and strength because you become the constant target for those who can’t and won’t. But remember if you are there you have achieved what 90% of the rest of the world wants.  Don’t ever forget it. The only thing that separates those who are successful from those who are not is doing rather than wishing. Nothing more. Nothing less.

It doesn't have to be forever

It doesn’t have to be forever.

Once I was really stuck in a situation I did not know how to get out of so much so that I was growing more and more depressed until one of my friends said to me, “You know Cath, your choice doesn’t have to be forever. You don’t have to stay if you’re unhappy.”

I remember a light bulb going off in my head because I didn’t think I had a choice. I thought because we had made a decision to uproot our family and move to another country there was no way that I could say I wanted to move back home.

I worried about what people would say because we were only gone for eight months. I worried about shattering my husband’s dreams. I thought about how I really felt and I knew no matter how hard I tried my heart was not in that location so it could never be my home because I truly believe home is where the heart is and my heart was definitely not there.

I remember hanging up the telephone after our conversation. I remember  looking at myself in the mirror for a long time trying to really find me in the sad face that was looking back at me. At first I couldn’t see until I replayed my friend’s advice over and over again in my mind and it was then that I knew I had to go. I had to accept that I was not a failure for our new adventure and home feeling wrong to me. I realised I would be a failure if I failed to do what my heart was telling me to do.

Failure does not come from doing. Failure comes from not starting at all. Failure is when we do not listen to our voice of reason coming from deep within.  As a matter of fact there is no such thing as failure – it’s just a matter of changing course. Making a decision.

I decided that day I was going to admit our move was not for me and I needed to change direction – to go back home, to go backwards in order to go forward and that’s what I did. I am finding myself in a similar situation where I may have to go backwards to go forward and again I was consumed by what people would say.  Until I realised that it’s my life and not theirs. The only person I have to answer to is myself.

And the one thing I know for sure is as my friend told me, it doesn’t have to be forever and I now know it won’t be because not even we last forever.

My beautiful rose bush

Slow down and smell the roses

I am on a real nature kick at the moment because it never fails to amaze me. Spending time in nature when the world seems to be working against us can be so inspiring because of its resilience and beauty.

I was walking up the steps to my front door yesterday in the blustery cold weather when the rose bush my family gave to me for Mother’s Day caught my eye. If you haven’t guessed by now, roses are in the group of my favourite flowers.

The rose bush was full of yellow tiny delicate roses. All around my yard was wreckage from the wind. Branches were  down. Leaves were strewn all over the grass. My yard looked like it had been through a tornado. Yet I stepped onto my porch and there in front of me was this beautiful rose bush totally undaunted by the assault that was going on all around it.

The roses were dainty, perfect, feminine and just full of life and they looked like sunshine. I stopped and took a photograph. Turning the bush around trying to get the perfect angle and that’s when I saw there were buds ready to burst into life.

Immediately I felt happy and elated because it was so rewarding to see even in the midst of all the chaos around, this special rose bush given to me on Mother’s Day by my family was trying to show me that there is sunshine all the time. We just have to slow down sometimes to appreciate it. We just have to be open to see it because there is joy everywhere even on those days when it does not feel like it.

Slow down sometimes and look around at nature particularly when you are having a bad day and see how quickly your mood changes because nature has a way of reflecting back to us what we are feeling or what we need.

Thank you beautiful yellow roses for making my day and helping to lighten my load.

Be careful what you wish for

My blog yesterday was about me not wanting the sunlight that was shining through the window when I woke up. It was about me wishing for the darkness to match the melancholy mood I was in. Well no sooner had I posted my blog and my spirit had lifted, the weather changed for the worse. It became everything I had wished for when I first woke up but not what I wanted for the day once my mood had brightened.

The sun was quickly obscured by dark heavy menacing clouds, the wind started to howl. All semblance of light was sucked out by the clouds and the day turned cold, dark, windy, rainy and miserable. I wondered what the Universe was trying to tell me then. It dawned on me that it was trying to demonstrate several things to me:

First and foremost be careful what you wish for because you will get it, not necessarily when you want it but you will

Secondly, whatever energy it is you are putting out into the universe you will get like energy back

Third, by the evening that wind was so strong and still that little pink rose was holding on to its petals, its dignity and its beauty putting its best face forward in extreme conditions reminding me that even when the conditions suddenly switch in a direction we didn’t see coming, if we remember who we are and stand firm to who we are, we can weather any storm.

Fourth, the air grew cold and chilly and all I wanted to do was to go into my home and be with my family safe and warm from the stormy weather outside reminding me that I have so much to be grateful for even when everything seems chaotic. A roof over my head. Food to eat. A family that loves me. And shelter from any storm.

And last but not least, even when conditions change, when people come and go, we are always who we are deep down inside and it is up to us to bring the best part of who we are forward no matter the circumstances.

The wind is still howling this morning. My little pink rose has lost a few petals but it is still standing strong letting me know that life may strip us sometimes but if we have a strong foundation we will not only survive but flourish if we are open minded. Between the gales and rain, the sun keeps peeping through showing me there is hope even when it is cold and dark outside.

We can not be rigid

This morning I could not motivate myself to get out of bed. Every part of my body was just too tired to move. Too worn to face another day.  I watched the night turn into day as the darkness gave way to sunlight streaming through my windows. And usually I like to watch the darkness turn into light to remind myself that regardless of whatever I am feeling the darkness always gives way to the light.  This morning I didn’t want this reminder. I wanted darkness. I needed the darkness not the light. So I was even angry with the sun this morning.

And what made matters worse was that I was expecting today to be gloomy and dark. I was actually hoping it would be to match the melancholy I was feeling. But the day and the Universe had something different planned for me.  Together they conspired to make me see the light today. They wanted me to push away my sadness. They wanted me to understand that I have to accept the unexpected and not to project my feelings of what should have been into life. What the day and the universe were trying to tell me is that all I have is the present moment and I need to live in it and appreciate it.

After lying in bed trying to shut out the light that was stubbornly getting brighter and brighter,  my back started to hurt because my body is not used to being in bed for so long so I got up. I walked into the bathroom and pulled up the blinds and there in front of me was a lone pink rose, swaying and bending in the breeze. The rose was so sunny, so bright, so happy, so full of life that immediately my mood lifted. I felt a tingle go through my body. I felt a lightness in my spirit. I felt possibility pour back into my soul.

I walked outside and took a picture of my angel, the rose, and with each photo I took, I saw just how beautiful this lone little pink rose was and I realised once again the universe was sending me a message. It is really windy outside and though my rose is fragile and dainty, it is strong enough to bend and flex in the wind, holding itself up no matter what. Facing the wind and still holding on to what it is. And that’s when I knew the Universe was trying to tell me even in our most fragile states, we have what it takes to stand tall and strong against any adversary that comes our way as long as we remember we can’t be rigid. We have to bend and flex just like my rose is doing today while holding on to who we are.

So now I am ready to face this day. Without expectation. Without worrying about tomorrow. Without question. And it’s all thanks to my little pink rose and the Universe reminding me about who I am and what I am capable of no matter what adversary stands in my way. 

Birth is violent

"Birth is violent, whether it be the birth of a child or the birth of an idea. Beginning stages are rough. The most giant tree begins as a tiny green sprout, but that sprout pushes dirt out of its way as it forces itself up through the earth to the sunlight.” Iyanla Vanzant

I was reading through all of my Oprah posts and found this timely quote. There is nothing more traumatic and dramatic than giving birth to a child. Every woman that has ever experienced it will know the pain, the planning, the unknown, the fear of becoming a mother. Childbirth is one of the most divine experiences anyone can ever have but it is also one of the most frightening and painful experiences anyone can ever have.

Bonding with this unseen being that is growing inside of us, relying on us for everything, opening our hearts to a love unknown to any of us before. Going through that nine month incubation period, seeing our bodies change, watching our bellies and whatever else grow making room for this new life that we are bringing into the world.

Working with our obstetricians to develop our birthing plan to make sure everything is just so and in the end having to alter that plan because our baby has decided he or she wants to come into this world according to his or her own plan and not according to our own. Learning to remain open to the unexpected and going with the flow. Remembering the words of my obstetrician with my first born when he said, “Even with the best laid plans, be prepared for the unexpected. You people that come in here with these natural childbirth plans, all you need to remember is to be open to whatever it is you need to do to bring a healthy baby into this world because at the end of the day that’s what we are all striving for.”

Remembering those words when my son decided to come fifteen days early then changed his mind once I was fully dilated and went back up into the safety of my womb. Seeing the lights come on and being rushed to have an emergency C-section.  Feeling like such a failure as a woman for not being able to bring my child into the world the way every child was meant to be brought into the world. Forgetting how he came into the world now that he is a growing young man on his way to manhood. My son not knowing nor remembering that I could not deliver him the way my plan dictated.

Just like with childbirth or any birth, the process is violent, unexpected and painful but at the end the reward we get is more than anything we could have ever imagined. A reminder to us that change is a rebirth and comes with pain, regret and trepidation but once it’s done, our minds seal those feelings off opening us to the gift of what we have endured and onto another phase of our lives totally unexpected from anything we could have ever imagined.

Birth is violent, whether it be the birth of a child or the birth of an idea. Let’s remember this when we are experiencing change.

We are where we are meant to be

Sometimes in life you end up in places you never thought you would be in or having to make choices you never thought you would have to make but ultimately you end up exactly where you need to be.
Life takes us on a wild ride sometimes, leaving us kicking and screaming and shaking our heads about the direction we end up going in. But as long as we hang on and keep the end in view, which was actually my old high school's motto, Respice Finem, the destination is always the same.
I read a card that resonated so much with me, particularly this line, "Walk your path one step at a time with courage, faith and determination. Keep your head up and cast your dreams to the stars. Soon your steps will become firm and your footing will be solid again."
It's difficult when you're in the thick of obstacles to see the light sometimes but it is always there as long as you have faith, determination and courage and always, always keep the end in view. Life is about obstacles and finding our way through them.
Life has a way of putting us in situations that challenge us beyond belief but once we get through them we are on a path that we never dreamed possible. Every step we take is a step in the right direction even if it feels like it is a step in the wrong direction. Because what we have to remember is there is no right or wrong in life. Just lessons.
This is my mantra for the day and hopefully just like I had angels come into my life today to help me to explore more about me, so will you. All you have to do is ask and it shall be given if it is meant for you. And be prepared for what you asked for not to come in exactly the way you had planned but eventually you will get what is needed in your life if you have patience, perseverance and faith.

Unconditional love

What happens when the energy is constantly being sucked out of us? What happens when life keeps giving us lemons and we make the best lemonade we can but no one wants it or likes it? What happens when we have to dig so deep inside to find a glimmer of ourselves to make sure we still exist? What happens then? Where do we turn? Who do we have to rely on?
The answer to all these questions is sometimes in life we are all going to feel like we are at wits end. That life is testing us too much and we can't give anymore. That's when we all have to go to our place of silence and contemplate. That place of silence can be in the form of doing something we truly love so we can release some endorphins into our blood stream to give ourselves hope or sit in silence, meditate or do whatever brings some peace so we can think.
As I said yesterday our lives are a direct result of the choices we make. The paths we take are as a result of the choices we make. There is no problem in changing direction from time to time. Moving to another path. Making another choice. Life is all about the choices we make and sometimes we have to remind ourselves that we can change our lives whenever we want to but it takes a lot of nerve to do it. To face people that are close to us who want us to go in one direction but our heart is telling us to go in another direction. To be strong enough to recognise that every decision we make will have an effect on our energy and that energy will ultimately impact everyone we come into contact with. To be responsible for all decisions and outcomes and not place blame on anyone outside of ourselves for where we end up.
Fear is at the base of all our rough patches in our lives whenever we move toward the light and love and that love must be unconditional. Unconditional love is very hard for us as human beings to attain and once we attain it, even more difficult to sustain because it means that we must love someone or something no matter what. It means we cannot judge the persons based on anything they may say or do. It means we will always be there no matter what happens.
If we could love unconditionally all the time, life would be so much easier but we all come into this life with issues/ lessons we must deal with and learn. And as result we are all coming from a place of pain which is in essence fear. And wherever and whenever there is fear, the love that comes is conditional. It has terms attached to it. Demands that are often the projections of our own fear. And we often confuse our projections as being the fault of someone else.
Do you remember how it feels when you first fall in love? How suddenly the world opens up more to you? How people are more attracted to you? Goals you have been trying to attain suddenly materialise. Everything looks and feels wonderful and you feel like you can accomplish anything you want. The reason why this happens is because when we first fall in love we open our hearts and when we open our hearts, we open our minds to hope and endless possibility. We become like the Queen Bee because everyone can smell the honey we are giving off and they all want some. So they help us in any way they can. They are not repelled by us.
Imagine if we could live our lives in this state of unconditional love all the time regardless of what tests are placed in our way. Imagine if we could love everyone and everything unconditionally how much more opportunity would come our way. Imagine. Imagine if we could put ego and fear to one side all the time. Imagine.
What we all have to come to terms with as well is that there is a blessing in everything that comes our way because circumstances whether good or bad allow us to learn more about ourselves every single time if have an open heart and mind coming from a place of unconditional love.

Outside looking in

How do we become defined in life? At what point do the limitations creep into our psyche forcing us to believe that we are only meant to attain so much and no more?
How do we become who we are? Where does our belief system come from? Why are some people more successful than others and it doesn’t matter the background? Why do some people handle crises better than others? Who are we really?
This morning I woke up feeling like I am having an out of body experience. Outside myself looking at my physical and internal being with this stream of questions coming back at me. Forcing me to really look at myself and try to answer some of these questions.
I got a stream of answers with the focus being that I need to accept that what is is and karma is not a result of our actions but a result of our reactions to whatever happens to us. Another answer I keep getting is there are no definitions of who we are, no rights or wrongs, no mistakes, no limitations. Our lives are defined by the choices we make, the belief systems we cultivate, and the ability to live in the present moment and not project into a time that we have no control over.
We have total control over our own lives and no one person is better or luckier than we are, they just have the nerve to keep trying, keep slugging it out until they get what they ultimately want. The concept of success is also a shallow term because it is not all that it seems. A person can be materially successful but spiritually/ mentally poor and the reverse is also true. We are all guilty of judging people based on their physical and outward appearances without even taking into consideration their internal and spiritual wellbeing.
We also get caught up in the roles people play in life ie whether they are CEOs of companies, professional sports people, bestselling authors, etc but these are just roles they play within the confines of the structures they exist in. Once these people step out of these roles into their everyday way of being, that is when the real person emerges and this is the person we should be seeing not the role they have assumed.
There are many different layers to people, to life and to our spiritual wellbeing and that is something we all have to remember. We cannot worry about what other people have in comparison to us. We cannot worry about what someone else has to say about us. We cannot worry about circumstances beyond our control. We cannot diminish any pain we are feeling. We have to feel it for what it is and listen to what it is telling us.
At the end of the day we have to accept we are all individuals here on this earth to coexist as a human family, moving side by side, and we have to take care of our individual needs in order to grow and become contributors to our human family. Every one of us has a story to tell, different roles that we fulfil but at the end of the day we are all looking for love, validation and respect regardless of our backgrounds.

When the unexpected happens, go with it

Things happen in life that are totally unexpected. They knock the wind out of our sails for a period of time until we realise our happiness is not determined by anyone on the outside. Our happiness comes from a place deep within us. It is totally derived and maintained by us. No one can make us happy and they certainly can’t take our happiness away from us unless we allow them.
Life throws us challenges us from time to time. To allow us to dig deep into our souls and hearts to determine what it is we truly want and desire. To make us redefine the lines of the box to suit ourselves. To force us to go deep within. To reflect on our authentic selves. To pull out all the stops to enable us to become whole.
Sometimes the decisions we make or thought we were going to make are not the ones that will lead us to where we need to go. And when we discover this is the case, it does not make sense asking what if, should have, and could have because the past is done. We made that decision based on where we were at that time and the resources we had available to us. As time moves on we discover that the decision we made was a temporary one to help us to understand more about where it is we truly want to go.
When we reach the point where we need to make major decisions about where to go next, what to do next, it’s then that we need to call on our inner power. It takes a lot of courage to change direction, to take the first step particularly when we are afraid we will fail. Or people will talk about us. Or even be disappointed with some of our decisions. It is these times that force us to be brave enough to accept the only lives we have control over are our own. We can only please ourselves. No one else. If we do things to please others than eventually it will show because we won’t be able to maintain the façade.
No one wants to end up looking at the end of their lives regretting living someone else’s life rather than their own. Not pursuing their own happiness because they were too busy trying to make everyone else happy. No one does so why wait until it’s too late when we have the ability and power to change direction every single second, every single minute, every single hour of every single day.
Because as Oprah says, “What I know for sure is this: You are built not to shrink down to less, but to blossom into more. To be more splendid. To be more extraordinary. To use every moment to fill yourself up.”

Traffic jams

Today when I was driving back home I got stuck in a traffic jam. The traffic was moving but at a snail’s pace. As I got nearer to the problem, I realised the jam was being caused by a lone car. As I got closer to the lone car I realised it was Johnny Barnes that was causing the traffic jam.
Johnny Barnes is our local happy man. He stands at the round about every morning waving to everyone telling them he loves them. He is 80 plus – not sure exactly how old he is but he is an institution here in Bermuda.
People either hate him or love him. I was one of those who was irritated by him because I always thought he was such a distraction when I am trying to manoeuvre in the traffic. Just the sight of him used to irritate me. Then a few weeks ago I saw him outside of his perch and he was a completely different man. He was very frail, not sure on his feet, nowhere near as confident and jolly as he appears when he is on his perch. I felt completely different about him after that.
Instead of being irritated by him, I now have great compassion for him because what I realised is that without his perch, Johnny Barnes is an old man without a mission. Without a purpose. I realised he is out there day after day, rain, blow or shine because he needs to feel the energy of all of us passing him to help to fuel. He needs to send out his positive energy to us so that he can get it back in return. I felt bad for judging him in the way I had once I realised he needs us much more than we do him. And I now make a point of waving to him in the morning. And because I do, I see how wonderful it is for him when his eyes meet mine or anyone else’s that is driving by because it is a spiritual connection, a heartfelt connection even if it is for a split second. His motivation for being out there comes purely from a place of love and you can feel it when your eyes connect with his.
And this morning while I was hurrying trying to get back home because I was out much longer than I had anticipated, I was stopped almost to a crawl because Johnny Barnes had stepped off his perch and was slowly making his way home. Instead of being irritated, I felt grateful to him again. Seeing him still independent, driving his own car, in no hurry to get home just as long as he got there, oblivious to the breakneck speed everyone around him was trying to travel , I inhaled deeply. I realised he was giving me a chance to breathe. A chance to watch him slowly making his way allowing all the tension to melt out of me as a feeling of gratitude replaced it instead.
I then remembered one of my quotes of the day which said, “Traffic jams give me time to do more affirmations, so I bless them rather than curse them.” And that’s what Johnny Barnes did for me today. He slowed me down to make me realise just how fortunate I really am even when all around me feels dark. Thank You Johnny Barnes. Thank you.

Seeing life from a different vantage point

Last night we attended a Boat Parade party at one of our friend's houses. Though it was spectacular looking out over the Harbour at all the boats that were festively decorated for the Christmas season, I couldn't help but feel nostalgic.
I turned to my husband and said, “Wow, it really looks different from here."
Never turning to look at me, he said, "That's because the way you look at the world has changed."
I didn't answer him. I didn't know how to respond to his comment because it hit me in the gut. I looked out at the boats, across the Harbour to try to find my old office which was on the opposite side to where we were. I turned to look at the people at the party. I looked up at the sky, at the stars and reflected on my husband’s comment.
I didn’t' find an answer until this morning when I woke up to find an email from one of my former work colleagues and it was then that I realised why this statement was bothering me. It had nothing to do with my husband. It had all to do with me.
Last year and the year before that my former company hosted a family night for the Boat Parade where we invited all of our brokers and their families to join our families to eat, receive gifts from Santa, watch the boat parade and mingle. Our balcony overlooked the center of the Harbour so it was a premier location to view the boat parade and it was always a success. Brokers and their families looked forward to this event.
But this year, my division was gone, disbanded. Everyone had gone their separate ways. I couldn’t even see the old building where our event was held when I tried to find it across the Harbour. And I was standing higher up, on a completely different side of the Harbour, at a completely different viewpoint from where I had stood last year and the year before.
What I realised this morning was rather than feeling sad and out of place about how differently I felt last night, I rejoiced in the gift that the Universe gave me last night. And the gift was that life really is the same, the same events occur but sometimes we are at a different vantage point in order to see that though circumstances may change for us, life still moves on and it is up to us to appreciate what was but move on to what is so that we can still enjoy the beauty of where we are today.
I wrote to my former colleague and said to her, " I went to the a Boat Parade Party last night and looked across the water at our old building and thought about how quickly life can change and how different it is one year later. Take nothing for granted. Be thankful for the blessings we have. And live life fully."
A note to us all, no matter the circumstances we may find ourselves in, all we are being given is an opportunity to view life from a different perspective. Nothing more. Nothing less. And once we see this, life takes us in the direction we are meant to be in. For this lesson, I am truly grateful.

Accepting we cannot be all things to all people

Sometimes in life you have to accept that you can’t be all things to all people. That all you can be is yourself. And if that’s not good enough then you have to be willing to say so.
It’s very tough accepting our limitations particularly when we are so used to being everything to realise that in the grand scheme of things we are pretty insignificant to the vastness and complexity of the world we live in. People grow and change according to their outlooks on life. Some people move in other directions to the ones that are the closet to them and that can be very challenging to deal with.
There are many people, couples, families that are dealing with the economic downturn and some are stronger than others. Some can try to maintain a positive outlook while others panic about what should have been or what should be rather than accepting there are some things that are just out of their control.
Sometimes we can be projecting our best intentions to everyone and trying to bring love and light into their hearts only to realise that their hearts and minds are closed because they can’t see the positive in anything. That is when it becomes challenging because it forces the ego of all parties to surface and wave the red flag in front of everyone’s faces. All that happens after that is a battle ensues, a silent war, with no one winning at all.
Negative energy is so easy to take on but very difficult to get rid of because it is driven by the ego and the ego is very convincing of its worth. The reason why it is so convincing is because it allows us to release anger, resentment and all the negative feelings that have been brewing inside us. And for a brief minute we feel some relief. But quickly that relief turns into regret because it is difficult to go back and rewrite what has happened. To take back what has been said. Times like these teach us the importance of living in the present moment – accepting we cannot change the past because it is done, accepting we cannot worry about the future because it is not here yet. All we can do is be present and live our present moment as fully as we can. Difficult but necessary.
As I was writing this, one of my positive thought quotes popped up and it said,
“May you find serenity and tranquility in a world
You may not always understand.
May the pain you have known and conflict you have experienced
Give you the strength to walk through life
Facing each new situation with courage and optimism.
Always know that there are those whose love and understanding
Will always be there, even when you feel most alone.”
Amen.

The glory in a beautiful sunny day

Yesterday in my Yoga class, the instructor told us that we should put our faces and hands in the sun for at least 20 minutes a day three times a week. When we do so it increases our Vitamin D levels. Vitamin D is important because it helps the body absorb calcium. Calcium and phosphate are two minerals that are essential for normal bone formation. The body makes vitamin D when the skin is directly exposed to the sun. That is why it is often called the "sunshine" vitamin.
Even more interesting is the fact that when I went into Yoga in the morning it was a dark and gloomy day. By the time I came out the sun was shining and there were only wispy white clouds in the sky. The humidity was low making everything look crisp and vivid. There is nothing more beautiful than the colours in Bermuda on a day when the humidity is low.
Based on this wonderful day I decided to take my Yoga teacher’s advice and enjoy the benefits of the sun. So I placed one of my outdoor chairs directly in the line of the sun and there I sat for quite a while absorbing the sun reading my book. I cast aside all feelings of guilt for taking this time to be on my own doing nothing. I just sat and read and thought. And more than feeling the Vitamin D stores growing in my body, I felt a sense of peace rush through me. I closed my eyes and let the colours of the rainbow flash behind my closed lids filling my body with warmth, love and hope.
I realised that not only is the sun necessary for calcium replenishment because very few foods naturally contain vitamin D, I now know it is good for the replenishment of our body, mind and souls. And once again this morning, the sun is shining down on Bermuda so I again stood outside in the direct sunlight and gave thanks for its presence and radiant light. Perhaps you should try it too today to see how quickly your outlook changes. There’s nothing better than the glory in a beautiful and sunny day.

The gift of writing

Yesterday my husband told me that my writing is really starting to flow nicely and instead of taking his statement as a compliment, I immediately became defensive and said, " So what are you saying, my writing wasn't flowing before?"
He looked at me and said, "Typical woman, can't ever take a compliment for what it is. Just accept the compliment and stop being so defensive."
I really felt bad afterwards for taking his moment away from him. What I should have said was thank you and taken his statement as a huge endorsement of my writing. Instead I said, "It's because I do it all the time now."
I thought more about his statement and realised that my defensiveness stems from my childhood where criticisms were more the norm than compliments. So it is very difficult for me to accept when someone compliments me. I am working on trying to change this mode of thinking because what I realise now more than ever is when someone compliments, it makes them feel good just as much as it does the person they are complimenting because compliments come from a place of love.
I also thought about my writing after my husband's statement and realised as with everything in life the more we do something, practice , embrace it, the better we become. That's why professionals have training sessions and practices because they recognise that if they do something all the time the brain focuses on it allowing them to develop skills they would not if they didn't practice. With this sabbatical I have taken from my working life, I have written every single day so writing is now second nature to me. Sometimes I don't even know what I am going to write when I sit down at my computer. Sometimes I look out of the window in my office for ages letting my thoughts run through until something sticks and then I start to write.
This morning I was sitting in the City Hall parking lot waiting for my Yoga Class and watching everyone rushing to work writing my blog and thinking about how fortunate I am to be in this position where I can hone my craft and work at it every single day without the stress of work. I know that this period of my life will come to an end soon but what I now know for sure is that I will continue to write because it is in my blood. It is my passion. I will continue to write because it helps me to exercise my demons. Think deeply about what is going on inside me. Writing allows me to tap into my authentic self over and over again because if forces me to listen to what is going on in my head and allows my thoughts to flow freely without judgement, without fear and without alteration.
Writing is one of the most liberating tools I have found for freeing my mind, for dealing with my inner child issues, for becoming a stronger woman, mother and wife because it allows me to get to know me on a much deeper spiritual level and for tapping into this gift of writing I am truly grateful.
I am also grateful for my job shutting down because it reminded me of what it is that I really need to do in order to lessen the chance of me losing sight of who I truly am again. I now understand why my writing is flowing more because it is coming from my authentic self. So thank you husband for helping me to see that my writing is flowing because what I realise is it's not my writing that is flowing, it is actually me that it flowing.

Patience is a virtue to behold

Patience is one of the best virtues we can ever learn. It is also one of the most difficult and challenging virtues to maintain. But when we do understand and accept the significance of having patience, we tap into the abundance of this vast and giving universe.
It is only through having patience that we take the time to reflect on what decisions will suit us most. With patience we learn how important it is to wait for opportunities that are best for our growth.
In a world where everything is instant, it is very difficult to be patient because we have grown used to instant gratification. But what I am finding more and more is that instant gratification is often quickly replaced by regret particularly when we have been rushed into making decisions based on fear. Fear is a derivative of ego which is laced with insecurity, the need to please and vulnerability.
If we stepped out of fear based thinking which is very difficult to do because we are living in a fear based culture, we would find patience is the key to our success. Because patience allows us the time to develop the understanding that once we show gratitude for all that we have rather than focusing on all that we do not have, abundance flows freely to us.
Patience provides a window to our souls because it allows us to clearly see we are the creators of our destinies because we learn through being still that whatever thoughts we project to the universe are the very things we attract into our lives. Having patience allows us to see this because it gives us the time to step back and assess everything that has happened to us allowing patterns to emerge for us to contemplate and change.
Patience also reduces the panic energy that repels people from us because no one wants to be in the presence of anyone who is in a constant state of panic. Negative energy such as panic based on fear is contagious quickly spreading to others forcing them to make decision hastily out of desperation. Desperation is the antithesis of patience because it is a by product of fear. Whereas patience is a by product of oneness and faith.
Having patience allows us to accept we are where we are meant to be and when the time is right we will move out of the place of contemplation and end up again exactly where we are meant to be. So why not be patient to hear and feel our inner compass pointing us home letting us know that “success is not to be pursued, it is to be attracted by the person you become.”Jim Rohn.

Seeing flashes of time through my children

Wow, what a morning! It was my daughter’s Christmas play this morning and she had one of the starring roles. My husband and I were more nervous than she was - worrying if she would forget her lines. But she was a superstar.
From the moment she walked into the assembly hall I could see she had full control over her character. Her stage presence was magical. She was dainty, well spoken and very clear. As I watched my daughter I saw visions of her as a grown woman – confident, independent and self assured and I was both excited and nostalgic at the same time. I saw her growing up in front of me on that stage and I had a huge lump in my throat.
I looked across at my son who is becoming a young man as well, a shadow forming above his top lip soon to be replaced by a moustache watching his sister with pride and I could see it won’t be long before he becomes a young man.
I looked at my husband then and felt a strong sense of love and endurance. I marvelled at what my family has had to endure and how much we have managed to accomplish and I am so grateful for that feeling of family togetherness. I am so grateful that we have chosen to raise our children in the manner we have. I am grateful that we try as much as we can to be there for our children because looking at them this morning I realised they are going to be okay because they know they are loved.
I know in the blink of an eye my son and daughter will be walking away from my husband and I as adults full of stories about our family life, some good, some bad – but at the base of it all – love. I realised that all children really want and need is to feel loved, heard and cherished.

Lady Gaga Queen of Reinvention

Lady Gaga – now I finally understand what the hype about this woman is all about. Not only is she a PR machine, she is the Queen of Reinvention. I became a member of Twitter once I started writing my blog on the advice of my brother and I am so pleased I did. Twitter has opened me up to people, places and events I never would have known about or even been vaguely interested in. But through these clever little tweets of information my curiosity has led me to discover more about things I would not have been open to otherwise.
One person who tweets relentlessly when she wants to get the word out is Lady Gaga and the tweets are not self indulgent as so many are. They are just matter of fact about whatever she is trying to promote and she does it over and over again. Her tweets stick in your mind without realising it then when there is a promotion about whatever it is she is tweeting about, you can’t help but look to see what it is as I did last night for her “Marry the Night” video.
I got the surprise of my life when I listened to her words. I had totally underestimated and prejudged this woman in the wrong way. I thought she was crazy but now I have the greatest respect for her because she has learned how to harness the power of the social media. She has managed to reinvent herself to a greater star than she ever would have been if she had stayed on the path she was on before being dropped by her record label Def Jam in 2006.
Listening to the words of her song and watching the video it appears that she was so devastated when she was dropped by the label that she contemplated suicide but then decided she was much more than that. She decided she was going to make it and be a star because she had nothing left to lose. From that moment, she decided to “marry the night” which to me means she was going to embrace the darkness she was facing rather than fighting it, resisting it. She accepted that she needed to see what the darkness was trying to tell her about herself. And once she did she knew she could not “give up on her life”. Instead she became the “Warrior Queen” lacing up her boots, not crying anymore and accepting that though it may have looked like she had lost everything, she still had her secret weapon - “her bedazzler” enabling her to do what any girl would and “did it all over again”. Reinventing herself as a fictional character who lives on the fringe of reality but mostly in fantasy.
She took the patches of her past, combined them in a fashion that suited her growth and moved on bigger, better, stronger, more assured, knowing what direction she wanted to go in and took control of her own destiny. Marrying the night allowed her to reach deep down inside to become the star she always was – with the battle scars to prove it.
Lady Gaga is now up there on my list of people who understand that darkness will always seep into our lives but only when we embrace it and “marry “ it do we come out on the other side as the stars we were always meant to be. Who would have thought but I am now a fan of this phenomenon. She went from devastation to having 5 million hits in one day for “Marry the Night” video and has 45 million Facebook fans. Like the Phoenix, she rose from the ashes and proving to herself and the world that doing it all over again is always better than giving up.

Skateboard Sunday

Today is Skate board Sunday in Bermuda where one of the shop owners, Darren Booth, who owns The Booth, a trendy shop that sells skateboards, paraphernalia that goes along with it and clothing gets permission from the Corporation of Hamilton to turn one of the Front Street parking lots into a Skateboard, BMX, and Longboard park. My son is an avid longboarder but finds it difficult to find places where he can freely longboard so he looks forward to this event.
This week he has told a lot of his friends so the telephone is ringing off the hook from parents who want to know what this skateboard Sunday is all about. All the boys are buzzing because there really isn’t much organised stuff for them to do particularly when they are twelve and are so conscious about what’s cool and what’s not. And there are very few safe places that they can longboard or skateboard without people complaining.
So this event is exciting to him because he can longboard to his heart’s content without worrying about cars or traffic or pedestrians getting in his way or anyone complaining that he is a danger. It’s great for us as parents because our boys can be outside with other boys and some girls getting fresh air doing something physical and fun. Any parent of an adolescent I’m sure can totally relate to how good it feels to find something for our children to do where it is not competitive or too structured because our children will go and participate without feeling awkward.
To watch their faces as they participate, to hear the joy in their voices, to see them let loose is music to any parent’s heart. So off we go. Enjoy your Sunday and I’m sure mine will be adventurous with all these boys, my husband and my daughter and her cousin and the other parents I will meet up with today as our boys fly through the parking lots without abandon.

Decluttering our lives

Sometimes it’s great to have a good clean out. To get rid of all the junk we have collected over the years. The junk that once meant something to us but no longer does. It’s amazing how freeing it is to purge. It’s also rewarding to find things you have been searching for but could not find and discover that they mean just as much to you now as they did before.
My daughter and I are going through her room today decluttering it because she is a hoarder. We have filled two trash bags already of stuff that she has outgrown or no longer even remembers why she has it. I had to take a break because the room is so turned upside down now that it has become intimidating almost to the point where I wondered why we started this process in the first place. So I decided to walk away and do what I like to do, write – to escape for a moment from the chaos we have created. To come to terms with how I am feeling. To free my mind. And to give my daughter some space so she can decide what’s important to her and what’s not without my interference.
I can hear her in her room going through her stuff. I can see her setting up her horses to make them look like they are in their stable. Redesigning her Barbie house with some of the designs she has picked up from watching her favourite show Design Star. Watching her determination to get to the end of her clean up without being bothered by the piles all around her because she is focused on one task at a time without looking around her to become overwhelmed by the mess we have created. She is even singing as she works. Children are so amazing. Their outlook is so fresh and free even in the midst of chaos.
As I am typing I am getting a clear Aha message and it is that sometimes we have to overlook the piles all around us and focus on one thing at a time because that’s the only way we can declutter our lives. Not becoming overwhelmed by every obstacle that blocks our path but instead focusing on what makes us happy tackling that first enabling us to build our confidence to go to the next task and the next until before we know it we are done – decluttered, focused, and ready to begin anew.
Okay so now that I am feeling inspired again back I go to help my daughter finish her room, one pile at a time until there are no more. And who knows before long I could be singing along with her.

Sometimes the best laid plans can cause us distress

Sometimes the best laid plans do not work out the way we want them to and this morning was one of those times for me.
I had all intentions of coming home after dropping my children off to school to do Zumba class then write my blog. While I was in the grocery store getting the morning newspaper, my cell phone rang and it was the school. My daughter had forgotten to bring her red jeans in for the dress rehearsal for her Christmas concert. I was in Hamilton and anyone who knows what the morning traffic is like in Bermuda will understand the panic I felt at that moment, particularly when she told me the dress rehearsal was at 9am! I looked at my watch and it was already 8.15.
Gone was any sense of serenity I felt that morning and instead panic seeped through my being. For a moment I froze on the spot thinking about all the plans I would have to alter as a result of this hiccup. Then I snapped out of it realising the more time I delayed thinking about what I had to do rather than doing it would lessen my chances of getting to the school by 9.
I quickly went to the register paid for the newspaper and ran to the car. I started to car only to look down at the gas gauge to see that it was on Empty. I contemplated just risking it to see if I could get home and back without stopping for gas then thought otherwise so I had to make a stop at the gas station. All the while my feelings of peace were slowly but surely evaporating being replaced by hot flashes and seeing my daughter’s sad face because she would not have her full costume.
I managed to get home, stuff a few walnuts in my mouth to stave off the hunger pains and deliver the jeans to my daughter by 8.55 – how’s that for a supermom! I felt good about accomplishing what seemed like the impossible forty minutes before but then when I got home I realised I didn’t have enough time to do my Zumba class because I have other commitments that I have to do today. My mind raced about what to do. I opened the family room door to let the beauty of the day stream in – the day that I had not had time to see this morning because I was too busy trying to get my daughter what she needed.
I stood outside the door and inhaled the crispness of the air and looked at the green leaves and decided though I could not do Zumba, I had to be grateful for the fact that I was able to deliver my daughter’s costume to her rather than concentrating on what I could not do. It was then that I realised though I could not do my Zumba class, I could get on my elliptical for half hour and let my mind calm down while I exercised my body. So I did and I felt so much better afterwards.
It made me realise that even though we may think we are going to do one thing, sometimes it isn’t meant to be at that time but there is always room to alter our plans and just go with the flow. Focusing on what we can accomplish, releasing the tension and upset and doing the next best thing are sometimes better than feeling sorry for not doing what we wanted to do in the first place. And when we do we will find that we do gain satisfaction just in a different way.
Hanging on to the best laid plans when they can’t work, won’t work for us causes many of us more pain than just accepting we can’t do it all, be it all but we can be flexible.

If I could change the world

If I could change the world and the way those around me think is something that has been spinning around in my head lately. It's like a broken record. I honestly used to believe I could change people and the world until I realised it was really arrogant of me to think that way. The only person I can change is myself. I can't change the way people think or what they do unless they want to change themselves.
What I have learnt over the years and am constantly being reminded of is that all I can do is change the way I react to people when they are not in the same space as I am. Sometimes it can be trying and tiring because I feel it is only with good intentions that I project positive energy and thoughts to those around me to only have it rebuffed in my face. It is at these times that I lose control of my energy and retaliate in ways that I know are not right. Because then I end up fighting so hard to make that person or people see my point of view that I end up in a battle with them instead of accepting the space they are in and honouring the fact that they are in that space.
And I realise that when I do this it is actually my ego stepping in because if I am honest about what I am doing, I am putting myself on a pedestal and looking down on that person because I want that person to see the world from my perspective when in fact that person has the right to see the world in whatever way he or she sees fit. If a person wants to be stressed, angry and disappointed with life, that person has every right to be that way. Just because I disagree with that perspective doesn't make my outlook valid. In some ways it can be demeaning to the person because I have rejected their feelings and thoughts all together. I have not allowed them to experience the lesson they are meant to learn by making them feel even worse about how they feel.
Living a nonjudgmental and nondefensive life is very challenging because all around us there are judgmental people and there are people that come into our lives to want us to have to defend ourselves against their actions. Living a life of love and light is challenging as well because it is not all the time that we want to send love and light to people sometimes we just want to scream at them and make them wake up to their own potential. What I realise now is behaving like this stems again from ego. Ego always wants us to be "right", "the most enlightened", "the best", "the purest", and the list goes on. When in fact what we should be striving for is balance because in life there is really no right and wrong, it is all perspective and what one person has to learn over another.
I know as I move to a more enlightened phase of my life I am constantly being challenged to rise above the pestilence and negativity present in my everyday life but what I must not do is judge or try to change any person other than myself. If I am successful at changing my energy then perhaps those around me will feel it and want to change themselves as well but it won't be through force or coercion. It will only come from pure love and light. Without expectation. Without ego. Without judgment. Changing the world comes from one individual at a time changing his or her outlook. One lesson at a time. One day at a time.

Sometimes we have to know when to give up

Sometimes giving up isn’t a form of weakness; it’s realizing you deserve so much more, it’s a form of strength.” The Boxx1
This is one of the most profound statements I have read in a long time. It is up there with the quote by Steve Jobs when he said, “It’s not what we do in life, it’s what we don’t do.”
Sometimes in life you have to know when to walk away, know when to run in a lot of cases in order to preserve your dignity and your honour. Sometimes when you are down and out the greatest challenges come to test you to see what you are made of and what you will and will not take. It is these challenges that help to define who we really are and sets us on the path for the next stage of our lives. These challenges also help us to close the door on whatever it is we definitely do not want in our lives and sometimes this stage can be tough because it’s tough to walk away without exactly knowing what’s next. However it is this trying stage that allows us to free space for our greater opportunity to present itself.
Sometimes people mistake stillness, inaction and walking away as signs of desperation or weakness because we live in a world where everything is immediate and people tend to react before they even know what they really want. The wise people are the ones who take the time to reassess where they are in their lives and what brought them to that stage before they do anything. They are aware of the noise made by others but they do not allow this noise to interfere with their desire to learn the lesson they are meant to learn. They care about what people have to say about them but they do not let their comments drag them down. They understand that they have to retreat, to give up, to just let the chatter around them die down so they can listen to their own inner compasses and be guided by them to where they need to go next.
After the period of giving up passes and the lesson is learned, it is only then that these people resurface much stronger, refreshed, free of old baggage, with a clearer picture of where they need to be because they know they are worthy and are able to accept that they are deserving of the greater gift that is coming their way.

Learning to move beyond ego

Last night I watched some of the excerpts from Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday on the Internet and I was blown away as usual by the people she gets to interview. Oprah has access to the best therapists and spiritual teachers in the world and listening to their words of wisdom always allows me to awaken to the wider meaning of life.
Last night’s treat for me was listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer talking about the concept of Ego. He observed that ego is an acronym for Edge God Out. He says that ego is nothing more than a collection of ideas we have as follows:
“I am what I have
I am what I do
I am what other people think about me
I am separate from everybody
I am separate from what’s missing in my life.”
Listening to him talk I realised more than ever that ego is actually what limits us from being what we are truly meant to be because it forces us to be fearful, critical, and judgemental about everything we do. Ego is what ring fences us in because it forces us to try to define everything we do as well as places expectations on whatever we do rather than accepting that every decision we make is a stepping stone to becoming whole. We may sometimes take longer to reach our destinations based on the decisions we make but at the end of the day if we go without judgement or expectations we will learn invaluable lessons along the way.
Look at the way Wayne Dyer defines ego and reflect on what each statement says about us as individuals. Each statement no matter how you read it or interpret it places limitations on our life experiences because it forces us to look outside of ourselves for validation when the greatest and strongest validation we could ever receive comes from within us. When we look to others or things as measures of our success, we are rejecting our full potential to be more because should we lose these people or things, how then will we define ourselves? Who are we without these external validators?
The question we all need to ask ourselves is does our core personality change as a result of the loss of material possessions or status? I know my core does not change. It’s only my ego that does. I am always the same fundamentally no matter what and I will try my best from now on not to let ego prevent me from reaching my full potential because I am that I am and no one but me can change who I am unless I allow them.

Each day is a blessing

When I was very young, I used to love to get up really early so that I could spend some time alone with my mother who was an early riser – just her and I. There were six of us vying for her attention plus our dog. So the earlier I got up the more time I had with her.
As I got older I wanted to sleep the day away because it seemed like the days stretched for too long, particularly after my mother died. I could not handle the idle hours that stretched ahead of me so I would not get out of bed before noon because then at least a large part of the day was gone. When I was in my twenties and feeling totally insecure about everything in my life, on weekends I would stay in bed with the blinds closed for the whole day because then I didn’t have to face anyone or anything. I lost myself in movies that I rented to escape the reality of my nonlife.
After having children my sleeping habits changed dramatically because I stopped sleeping. I have two children who never slept through the night – my son woke every four hours until he was two years old then he slept through the night lulling me into a false belief that if I had another child he or she would sleep through the night. My daughter came along four years later and woke up every two hours until she was two as well, got a bit better but now even at eight years old she comes into our bed at about two in the morning pressing her body against mine or my husband’s to go back to sleep. Now I understand why I slept all those years before to prepare my body for nonsleep.
Now in my late forties, I love to wake up with the sun rising, just before the sun rise is even better. I love to look at the promise of a new day to see how the day will turn out, to watch the clouds to see whether they are angry or kind, to see the dawn burst into daylight, to see the silhouettes of the trees bending in the breeze, to listen to the stillness of the day before everything bursts into action.
I love waking early because now I want the days to stretch, to feel endless because time seems to be speeding up with each year that I get older. I now understand why the elderly tend to get up at three in the morning because they are so pleased to have another day on this earth and they want to stretch out their last days as much as they can. I can totally relate to how they feel now because time is not waiting for me or anyone else. It is marching on and I just want to make sure I enjoy every second, every minute, every hour of each day because seeing another day is truly a blessing.

Mud pie delights

Yesterday afternoon after my daughter and her cousin had finished their ballet recital rehearsal, we came back to the house and because they had been inside the dark hall, they jumped out of the car and ran with abandonment through the yard, arms flailing, shouting for joy, as they inhaled the beautiful fresh air. They headed for the rope swing that my husband had made. The sound of their laughter was infectious and filled the air with such merriment and youth.
I stood at the kitchen window watching them and thinking about how easy it was to be their age. How delightful it was to just run outside and play. I was thrilled they were outside enjoying the air. I watched them chatting like two little ladies and saw flashes of what they will be like when they get older.
I called them in for a snack then my husband came home so we made him a gourmet salad with the girls’ advice about how it should be presented. Then the light bulb went off for them about what to do next.
They disappeared into the yard chatting about their next plan. They then wondered into the house to get water containers but didn’t say why. Then they came in with culinary masterpieces they had created from mud, flowers, leaves, twigs and whatever else they could find in the yard. By that time my cousin and her friend had arrived so we oohed and aahed over the “food” they had prepared.
They presented their creations as appetizers, main courses and desserts. Their presentation was amazing. We all laughed and said, “When we were their age, we didn’t even know what an appetizer was and neither did we know anything about presentation. When we made food out of mud it looked like food out of mud. It didn’t have the gourmet look nor did it have such terms as seaweed salad, clams, or mocha, to name a few.”
I said, “It’s because we had never been to a restaurant when we were their age so we would not have known what an appetizer was nor did we have the diversity of people that we have now living in Bermuda so we would never have heard of seaweed salad!”
It made me reflect on how much more our children have been exposed to than we ever were but at the end of the day they still want to play in the mud, they still want to create and they still want to be acknowledged for what they do. It was truly a wonderful late afternoon treat to see my daughter and her cousin sitting at her little outdoor table creating food masterpieces from nature, getting their hands dirty and just being little girls using their imagination rather than sitting inside having their imaginations suppressed by the television or computer.

Idyllic rural setting in the midst of chaos

This morning I am sitting outside of my daughter's horseriding lesson. The sun is streaming into the car after a downpour. The birds are chirping in the trees and I am looking at the most beautiful lilac bush blowing in the wind. My daughter horse rides in one of the few remaining untouched rural settings in Bermuda where there are trees that you can't see through and very little traffic. It is an oasis onto itself, tucked off the main road and a place that takes me back to my childhood days when I used to run free through the hills without worrying about tomorrow or the day before, without worrying about my safety, simply without worrying at all.
I am listening to the sound of the wind in the trees rustling the leaves almost as if they are sighing and singing at the same time and I am feeling much calmer by the minute having rushed out of the house to get my daughgter to an early riding lesson because she has rehearsals today for her upcoming ballet recital.
I even got up early to fit everything in, check my son to make sure he has started his homework because he has a busy weekend, tennis, guitar, playdate, today tomorrow Boy's Brigade parade and guitar performance. My mind was racing this morning when I woke up about all the things my family has to do this weekend and wondering how we will fit it all in so that everyone gets a little bit of quality time in.
Even driving here I felt the pressure of the weekend coming down on me, my daughter has her first starring role in her Christmas play at school and her costume needs to be in by Monday but it doesn't look like we will have it on time to take in the morning so that means I may have to reschedule my whole day on Monday to work around getting this costume to school in time for her dress rehearsal then her ballet recital starts on Thursday through to Saturday.
My son has lots of exams next week because the term is winding down and I panic about whether I will be able to give him enough time splitting my time between both their schedules.
But sitting here watching the trees bending, my daughter riding her horse under her instructor's direction, hearing nothing by the sound of nature, an odd cow mooing, I am reminded of the old Bermuda days when everyone was free and easy and we did not have so much going on with our lives. All we had was nature and our imaginations to keep us occupied. Sitting here surrounded by nature, I am reminded that the solace I seek is all around me, I just need to step back sometimes and accept I can't do it all but I will do the best I can.
So I don't feel guilty sitting and looking at this rural setting taking me back to a different place and time when my life was not so complicated because it is allowing me to understand that life doesn't have to be about being busy and run off our feet all the time, sometimes it can just be taking a moment to appreciate all that we have right in front of us for free without racing past it and not even seeing it.
My mind has already started to slow down, the steam is seeping out of my head and I am feeling so much better about everything I have ahead of me because now I know without a doubt everything will happen in its own time. And all I have to do is breathe and take quiet moments to centre myself and it will all work out.