2011 New Beginnings

I woke up this morning realising this is the last day of 2011. Wow was my first thought. Where has the year gone? Then I lay silently and as still as I could; letting thoughts stream uninterrupted and unfiltered through my mind. I closed my eyes and let the feelings of those thoughts wash over my body. I opened my eyes and silently gave thanks for the wonders, the trials, and the tribulations of 2011.

The number 11 spiritually means new beginnings. And with every beginning there is an ending. 2011 was certainly a year of many endings and beginnings for me. I remember waking from a troubled sleep at The Fairmont Southampton Princess on New Year’s Day and feeling compelled to creep out of bed to go to the sliding glass doors.  I remember opening the doors inhaling the fresh air and looking out over the dark sky and ocean; allowing the darkness to seep into my being. I remember turning to look back into the room and watching my husband in one bed and my son and daughter in the other sleeping soundly. I remember feeling a sense of peace.

I remember then turning back to the outdoors and watching in awe as the brilliant red sun slowly rose over the horizon almost like it was being born from the ocean. The redness of the sun and the stillness of the ocean were mesmerising. I remember a feeling of change washing over me as a chill ran through me letting me know I was going to go through the majority of the year on my own having to face my own demons. I remember a voice saying to me that I would have to rely on me and no one else to get me through the year. I remember feeling very alone and somewhat afraid. I remember wanting to turn away from the feeling and at the same time wanting to stay with the feeling to truly experience it. I remember a silent tear trickling down my face as a sadness crept into my being but I did not understand why. I let the tear fall and let the weight of the message sink into my being.

 I remember the fear giving way to acceptance as the full sun looking like the red yolk of an egg rose majestically out of the ocean casting its red light across the flat sea shimmering, swirling without a cloud in the sky. I remember seeing the mirror image of the red sun on the ocean and being fascinated by the duality of the image.  I remember feeling like no matter what the year brought I would handle it.  

As I turned away from the outdoors, the brilliant red sun was quickly obscured by dark clouds. The light swallowed up by the dark as heavy clouds rolled in out of nowhere. I remember thinking how quickly everything changes. I remember shaking off the premonition I had experienced thinking I was being paranoid. Now when I look back at the beginning of 2011 I know I was being sent a message to take care of me first then everything around me would fall into place. And I realise now how important it is to listen to that voice inside because when we do it never leads us astray.

2011 began with a red sun rising over the horizon with me standing on my own. It is ending with me ready to embrace whatever change comes my way because I have survived and risen above much more than I ever dreamed would happen to me in one year – the loss of a job, the loss of myself for quite some time, the loss of income, the loss of friends, the loss of work colleagues, the loss of plans, the loss of so much more than I can ever articulate here. Yet I gained much more than I lost. I gained a new sense of self, a renewed sense of faith, hope and empathy, a deeper understanding of human nature, the power of forgiveness, a renewed desire to write, the gift of spending time with my family, and the gift of journeying back to me.

And what’s even more wonderful is I am still standing but now much wiser, much more grateful and much more resilient because I know I am that I am and I am exactly where I am meant to be.  And it is with gratitude, love and light that I bid 2011 adieu for it helped to shape me into who I am today.