A lesson from my niece about life

My niece recently sent me a note about something wonderful that has happened in her life. A breakthrough that she did not see coming even though she asked for it through prayer. And it reminded me that life gives us when we are true to ourselves. When we trust in the Universe. When we have faith to do what we are meant to do and then let go. Not letting any obstacle. Not letting any person. Not letting any fear get in our way. Because we know that we are nearing the Promised Land. And we know the only thing that stops us from entering the Promised Land is to feel unworthy. To feel like we don’t belong. To feel that only certain people can enter the Promised Land.

Forgetting that we all come from the Promised Land.  So why can’t we go back? We are cast out into the wilderness for reasons we asked to come here to be. We are cast out of the Promised Land so that we can find our way back and when we do all sorts of opportunities, doors, and paths we forget were available to us come to us. Become available to us because they were always there. 

And when we get those glimpses into possibility somehow we shut our ears to the naysayers. We close our eyes to those who will sell their souls to the devil so they can achieve their own personal success at the expense of others. We know that what goes around comes around and we remember to do what is best for us that will ultimately be best for all mankind. For everyone in our space and for those who may not be in our space but will benefit from who and what we become.

My niece did not realize at the time that by sending me her note of achievement. Her note of affirmation that she was on the right track, actually helped to restore my confidence in Spirit. Helped to ground me to the fact that life is all about what we believe about ourselves. When we allow in the snake charmers. When we doubt our abilities because we are surrounded by people who doubt theirs, we learn we are attracting these people into our lives because we have lost our way. Have forgotten the gifts that we inherently carry. The love that we have in our heart. The connection to the spirit that allows our hearts and souls to open again to follow our inner star. To know we are the shining example of love and light.

But when we remember, when we express gratitude, when we reconnect, we become one with the synchronistic path in life where one door leads to another to another until there are no more doors. Until there are no more barriers. Until we are embraced by the love and light of the Universal Force. Giving us the confidence to accept the tools that were available to us the whole time. Allowing us to tap into the Universal Force that unites, builds and lifts up.

Allowing us to become the ones, as my niece recently discovered, who do not just stand and observe the glass trying to decide if it is half empty or half full, we take the glass and drink what has been provided expressing gratitude for the abundance in our lives. And when we do, people see it and feel it and things start to happen that we always dreamed possible but were too afraid to admit let alone accept. Allowing us to glory in the Divine Spirit that has been with us all the time because we understand it is us. Because we understand the Promised Land is not over there but here right here in our hearts when we believe, when we have faith, when we let go and let be.

Thank you to my niece, my angel, for showing me the way again.

We are responsible for the lives we want to lead

What happens when the light starts to go out in our world, when we start to feel like we no longer belong where we are? What happens when we start to feel like we are ought to somewhere else but don’t know where that somewhere else is and can’t seem to find the way to somewhere else. Wherever that somewhere else may be. Taking us away from where we are right now.

What happens when we feel like we are drowning in a place where there is nowhere to drown? What happens when our thoughts become so muddled that we can’t find any thoughts at all?

What happens when we feel like no one is on our side. That the more we give, the more people want. The less they are satisfied. The more we try yet the more we are rebuffed.  The further away we seem to become from where we thought we would be.

What happens when we start to question everything and accept nothing? What happens then? How do we find the light again? The excitement? How do we stop ourselves from beating our heads up against the wall? And more importantly why do we keep doing the same things over and over again? Like finding the same wall to beat our heads on rather than dealing with what we need to deal with.

So many thoughts rushing through my brain. So many things I do not understand. So many people I do not understand why they are in my space. Thinking so much that I cleared my mind by letting go and meditating, asking for strength and guidance. Allowing myself the chance to hear. To really listen to the answers from deep within – from that well of all knowingness that we all carry and I knew without a doubt that when we have more questions than answers, more fears than truth, more unknowns than knowns, we are being asked to stop, to contemplate, to go to that place of silence. And really listen. Take ourselves away from the distractions that sometimes we put in front of us. The obstacles we create in our minds and do as my friend Shari posted yesterday, find a beautiful place in nature, like Par La Ville Park, and walk through it. Observing the presence of renewal. Listening to life happening all around us. Opening our eyes again to all that matters while letting go of all that does not.

When we are feeling like we are alone and there is no more to give, then perhaps life is telling us there is no more give and it is time to stop worrying about what we want in return. Time to cast aside expectations and just be who we are and what we are regardless of how others may treat us in return. Perhaps what life is telling us is that we need to appreciate who we are and what we have been given. By doing so, we can appreciate others for who they are whether they appeal to us or not because they are not us.

Perhaps life is telling us to stop looking for the things that are not going right in our lives and to instead focus on the things that are. To give thanks and praise for them because regardless of what does not feel right, there is always something in our lives that does. We always have beauty in our lives. Always have abundance in our lives. Always have joy in our lives but for some reason we do not feel worthy of the beauty, of the joy and of the abundance.  Or we feel that these moments are fleeting and so we are constantly waiting for them to turn on us rather than enjoying their company. Never being present in the moment. Thereby missing the joy, the love, the peace, the abundance in our lives.

Remembering always we are whatever we bring into the room. We create the calm as much as we create the chaos by the energy we project.  And it is often in that twilight zone of not knowing that change is on its way and we are being tested to see what we really want. The confusion, the doubt, the fear are sent to ask us which way we want to go and until we decide we will remain in that twilight zone shuffling backward and forward between the light and the dark. Until we accept true success comes from feeling worthy enough to move toward the light letting go of the dark. By remembering and accepting that we are responsible for the lives we want to lead. The choices we make. The energy we bring into the room.

Lesson from less than perfect conditions

I am without the Internet this morning and went to bed last night without it as well. Thinking it was the Universe's way of getting me away from my Scandal and Olitz obsession, I accepted my fate, shut down my computer and went to bed. Albeit I tossed and turned because my addiction had not been satisfied. Still, I closed my eyes and dreamed it was Thursday night and I was watching the return of my addiction Scandal allowing myself to fall into a deep sleep, dreaming of Olitz being reunited.
Waking up this morning anxious to turn on my computer  to see whatever other teases the Scandal cast and crew are throwing out there only to find my Internet is still down.  My anxiety barometer went through the roof instantly as I start to experience true withdrawal symptoms. Shaky hands. Beads of sweat on my brow. Panicking about how I will possibly satisfy my need to see something about Scandal first and then about how I will write and post my blog. Oh and meditate to quell my racing and stressed mind.
And then like Eureka hits me reminding me I have these horrible small devices where typing is a nightmare and the screen is too small for us over 50 crowd but they at least provide me with a way to feed my addiction. I meditate first to calm myself to allow me the patience to type on this screen keyboard that drives me crazy at the best of times then I watch 1 Olitz YouTube before I begin this arduous task of typing on this little screen wishing I was born onto this era like my children do I would have had no problem using this method. Shrugging my shoulders and accepting my fate. Resigning myself to writing my blog in less than perfect conditions all while realizing the lesson I am being taught, particularly because my typing is not keeping up with my thoughts.
When we really want something there is nothing that can stop us from getting it except for us. Also if we always wait for the perfect conditions, we may lose out on the opportunity for us to experience the lesson we are being asked to learn.
So this morning I got to do all the things I wanted to do not necessarily in the way I wanted to do them but I did and you know what I feel rather pleased with myself that I did. Less than perfect but missions accomplished nonetheless.
Providing me with the ever so true saying, "where there is the will, there is the way". Namaste

The very things that frighten us

The very things that frighten us

Are the very things we need to do

To push ourselves

To extend ourselves

To feel more alive

The things we are most comfortable with

Are the very things that keep us stagnant

Rooted to where we are

Keep us imprisoned

Make us yearn for more

The very things that unnerve us

Are sent to help us

To reach more

To think more

To broaden our horizons

But yet we run from them

Afraid that we will show

What we don’t know

Rather than accepting we don’t know

And embrace the new knowledge

The ability to open our brains

The ability to grow

The very things we ask for

We are given the opportunities

To explore

In ways we had not thought of before

But sometimes they unnerve us

Frighten us

Back to the status quo

Because we are so worried that

We do not know

Cannot know

Will not be able to understand what to do next

But it is the very thing that we need to reach for

To challenge ourselves

To move forward

Comfort often means we are not growing

That we are satisfied with dissatisfaction

When we feel the adrenaline rushing

The sweat beading on our brow

We are pushing ourselves

To open up

To explore

To see what is beyond our self-imposed horizon

Realising

There is also another horizon

Beyond the one we place in front of ourselves

Because the horizon does not signal the end

It is the end for one

But the beginning for another

When we are asked to spread our wings

It is because we asked to spread our wings

So it is up to us to go to the edge

To jump

To trust

Because we asked for wings

We will fly

As long as we have faith

And hope

And trust

That there is a smooth landing for us

When we move beyond our comfort zones

And stretch ourselves to grow

To embrace

To admit we don’t know

But are willing to get to know

What is next

Change always brings with it

Fear of the unknown

Change always brings with it

Newness

Freshness

Fear

The smell of victory as well as defeat

It just depends on how badly we

Want to accept change 

For what it frees us from

Because the very things that frighten us

Liberate us at the same time

Because the very things that unnerve us

Are our greatest teachers

The things that give us wings

Mr. Kingpin, our resident toad

There is this frog. Toad, I should say as we have little tree frogs in Bermuda but large and I used to believe gross toads. Warts and all.  Large and ugly to me who sings his head off every time there is rainfall. He hops across our garden from a place yet unseen and plops himself into our empty pool. Claiming it as his home at our expense because he does not pay a bit of rent. Has never even bothered to ask permission. But he has claimed our empty pool as his home whenever there is rain. How he gets in and out we will never know. But he does and savours every drop of rain. The heavier the rainfall, the better. While the rest of us are inside hiding from the rain, he comes out of hiding and makes his presence known croaking at the top of his lungs.

His song is not very pretty to me. Croaky. But consistent. Repetitive and I guess rhythmic to him and to his court of ladies. He is Mr. Kingpin in my mind because with his croaky song and his unattractive huge body his song attracts lots of females sometimes two and three at a time. They don’t seem to be jealous of each other and they seem to wait their turn until they can enter the kingdom of Mr. Kingpin. In his palace at the bottom of our empty pool.

When we first heard his song, we could not figure out what it was. Could not understand what the horrible yet rhythmic sound was until we spotted Mr. Kingpin holding court proudly in the bottom of our empty pool. Now with the bottom filled with murky water from the rain – much to Mr. Kingpin’s delight. Even if it is to our chagrin.

So every time it rains we listen out for Mr. Kingpin. We listen out for his unattractive song to us but attractive to his followers, admirers, mothers of his future spawn. And this morning when I woke trying to think of what I would write about, trying to come to terms with the huge downpours we had last night and the thunderstorms, Mr. Kingpin was the first music that I heard. His song louder and louder after every downpour. His voice more commanding and rhythmic.

Making me realize that everything and everyone has a purpose in life whether we want them near or not. Whether we accept their presence or not. The huge downpours may dampen our spirits and send us rushing inside, while toads like Mr. Kingpin welcome it because it allows him a place to court his suitors. Gives him a place to sire the next generation of toads. Wets his body so that he can be handsome and attractive to the females.

No matter how gross Mr. Kingpin wallowing at the bottom of my pool may seem to me, I realise it is to remind me there is a time and place for everything. Sometimes that place may not be ours and we have to be willing to make space for those whose time it is and be accepting of that time. Mr. Kingpin is now silenced perhaps he is mating as I type but I am grateful for his presence because knowing he is in my yard I am confident there will never be a centipede.

I used to be terrified of toads until I met a centipede and once I learnt that toads eat them, I welcome the sight and sound of my ugly majestic toad, Mr. Kingpin, who holds court in the murky water left behind in my empty pool whenever there is a downpour of rain. Mr. Kingpin, our resident toad, now a blessing rather than an intruder - the lover that he is. 

2.22.92, 22.2.92 real love story

2.22.92

22 years ago my husband and I were married today

22 years ago we walked into our marriage with eyes wide open

Both of us travelled down that road before

Shocked that we were choosing that road again

Questioning whether we could make it work

Haven seen it not work before

Jaded somewhat by love when it fades

Not realizing that true love though it may fade

Never leaves of its own accord

But understands that sometimes there will be ups

And sometimes down

Recognises that life is complicated

Messy

Neither black nor white

That when two people love each other from their core

There is nothing that can tear them apart

Unless they are ready to be torn apart

22 years later

Paths taken totally unforeseen

From childless reckless days

When lying in bed meant being with each other

Totally

Without interruption

Without sharing

Taking for granted those moments of total and utter selfish love

Until we were frightened by a cancer scare

And faced our mortality head on

Changing our course

Moving us down another road

Leading us to question who would speak our names when we were called home

Who would know us on an intimate level outside of us

Shifting us from just two to three

15 years ago when we become parents of one

Taking us on an even wilder ride

Down the twilight corridors of parenthood

Hovering in the shadows

The two of us

Suddenly three

With a son we knew nothing about

With a lifestyle turned upside down and inside out

Me abandoning my career

To take on motherhood full time

My husband left scratching his head

His wife no longer just his but a mother as well

Changed from the driven business woman

To the protective mother

Abandoning her suits

To wearing mother’s boots

Rolling up her sleeves

And changing beyond recognition

Their love changing in a direction that seemed like it would veer off course

Until a new rhythm came in

When twilight gave way to daylight

When the light came back in some 2 years later

And they could resume the love they thought they had lost

When two became three

And then the son spoke

To the mother alone

At 16 months telling her his sister was waiting to come

Waiting on a big wide airplane

Dressed in a red dress

Speaking her name as clearly as if he had heard it before

And then the two that become three became four

When 10 years ago their little girl came to join them

Balancing their family evenly

The male and the female energy en sync

Life moved along

Until it stopped

Filled with betrayal

Upheaval and regret

A partnership fell apart

A wounding entered so deep

That left them questioning what was next

They moved their family

Across the ocean to another continent

Trying to mend the broken pieces in a different land

Different language

All alone

As a family

The two that became three and then four

The energy was not right in their new place

Sending the mother into a tail spin

Because she knew the fate she was trying to escape

Had come to claim her thousands of miles away

The corporate world was calling her back

Bringing her back from across the ocean

Because the lesson she needed to learn was not yet taught

They returned to the place they left

The husband full of anger and regret

The son relieved but not wanting to hurt anyone hid his relief

The daughter not worrying because she was happy to be back where she was understood

Their lives taking on a different dynamic

The storm between them not quite done

But deep inside

Throughout the darkness

The flame of love had not gone out

Close to it

But not quite gone

Because at the core

They were still the couple that joined

Many years before

2.22.92

Different but the same

She says 2.22.92

He says 22.2.92

But it all still means the same

Something they have come to know

Over the 22 years

Understanding though they may have different styles

They are still a perfect pair

As perfect as a pair as they can be

22 years later still in love

A much deeper love

That has weathered many storms

And will weather many more

2.22.92 from her eyes

22.2.92 from his

Now they know

They both mean the same thing

Two that became three then four

A family of love

Growing love

Maturing love

Experienced love

Love joined for better or for worse

To my love

My husband

My man

Happy Anniversary

My everlasting twin flame

2.22.92

22.2.92

22 years ago today

We accept it all means the same

Love

My Island welcoming me home at her best

Yesterday could not have been a better day to land in Bermuda. Could not have been a better day to return home. After travelling through dark airports, brown scenery, landing in Bermuda to clear skies, low humidity, and the flat calm turquoise ocean, I could not believe just how blessed and fortunate I am, we are, to live in such a  beautiful place. How fortunate I am to come to such beauty without having to go on a vacation but simply because I am coming home. Wow.

As we drove down the Causeway, windows wide open, fresh air billowing in, my hair whipping around my face, I swear I could hear the voice of angels singing in the background because I truly felt like I was experiencing what utopia must feel like. Snapping out of my state of bliss when the taxi driver asked me if I wanted him to put the windows up after he looked in the mirror and saw my hair being whipped,  I told him absolutely not. I was enjoying the fresh air. The ability to have the windows wide open on a February afternoon felt like nirvana at its best to me.

I felt so free, so happy to have my hair whipping in the breeze. Inhaling the fresh Bermudan air as if it was my first time. Inhaling all the beauty surrounding me. So grateful to be home. So full of life. I took advantage of the opportunity to fill my lungs and my soul with the bountifulness of my Island home.

Thinking to myself how we often take for granted what is right in front of us every single day. Wondering had I been here for the start of this beautiful weather would I have been as appreciative of it as I was when I got off that airplane? Trying to hold onto the feeling I had as I sat back in the seat looking at my beautiful Island as if it was the first time I had ever seen it.

Once I had my visual fill, I closed my eyes and listened. Just listened. To the sound of the tires rolling along the asphalt. And once I got through the ordinary sounds of where I was, to the silence of life passing me by.  Wondering where the birds were as I did not hear them. Opening my eyes as we reached the corner of the old Castle Harbour dormitories and that’s when I heard the first bird – a kiskadee followed by  sparrows. Feeling grateful for their song. I was so full of gratitude that I felt like I was Mary Poppins from the Sound of Music running through the hills,  singing the hills are alive with the Sound of Bermuda. So full of bliss.

Taking in to the colours of the flowers, the green of the tees, the lushness because of the abundance of rain we have had, the light just right and thought regardless of what is happening in our lives, if we could just stop and look with appreciation at the natural beauty that surrounds us every single day we are here in Bermuda, particularly on a day like yesterday, we would have very little complain about. Very little to be upset about. Thinking we should be doing our best to preserve what our Island has to offer rather than doing our best to destroy it. We should be working together to promote our Island rather than trying to find ways to abuse it.

Then later that evening as my daughter and I were driving back home along Harbour Road, the setting sun was casting its red hues throughout the sky, shading clouds with bursts of red, the harbour flat calm opaque almost like glass, I could not help but be even more grateful for where I live. The place I call home.  Joy. Pure joy to be back home. Grateful for feeling like my Island was showing me her best so I could be my best. Namaste.

There comes a time in all our lives

There comes a time in all our lives when we must leave the child behind

And become the adult we were sent here to be

Leave her in a safe place

Where he can still ground us to the lessons we have learned

The bridges we have crossed

The trials we have faced

But there comes a time in all our lives when we must become the adult we are meant to be

Never forgetting the child that remains within us all

Never leaving her alone

Never shutting him out

But knowing the days of childhood are done

Grown and moulded

Into the woman

The man

We are meant to be

Putting aside all the antics

We used as a child to get our way

Instead shaping them into tools

Tools to help us move on

To teach

To learn

To share

To pave the way for others to begin

There comes a time in all our lives when we must become the adult

No longer needing to embarrass

To insult

To betray

In order to stand heads and shoulders above the rest

Thinking we are showing we are adults

When instead we are allowing the petulant child that still remains within us all

To rear its head and consume us as adults

Showing the broken

The scarred

The one who will not grow up

There comes a time when we must reconcile with the child within

The one waiting for us to quell his fears

Listen to her asking for help

And help her

Assist him

To become the adults we were sent here to be

No tirades

No snatching

No grabbing the light

At the expense of others

Those were things we did when we were children

When we did not know maturity

When we did not know there is enough for all of us

When we were learning how to become an adult

Some of us remain tethered to the child

The broken one that remains inside

Rather than releasing him

Giving her wings to fly

By accepting all that has happened to us

Happened to make us the man

The woman we are today

There is no sense in blaming anyone else

For the cards we have been dealt

For the hand we have been given

Because each one of us asked for it

Before we came

We chose our parents

We chose us

We chose the circumstances we found ourselves in

Growing us from child to adult

There is a time when we must surrender the child

The child that remains within us all

Back to her place

His place

With gratitude and grace

Thanking him

Praising her

For the journey she has taken

The path he navigated

To get us to this place

This place

Where we forgive

We understand

We move on

Embracing

Hugging

Thanking

And biding Adieu

The child that got us to this place

This place where we let go of the childish tantrums

And look the woman

The man

Who looks back at us in the mirror

And claim him, her for who we are

With dignity and grace

Love and faith

Because there comes a time in all of our lives

When we must become the adult

We asked to come here to be.

Lesson from a turbulent plane ride

Shaking

Pitching

Twisting

Up and Down

Bouncing

No control

Palms Sweating

Prayers being said

Over and over again

As the airplane pitches from side to side

Ears clogged

Feet sweaty

Trying to remain brave

When fear is gripping

Holding me in its hand

Because I am in a situation I can’t control

Turbulence like you won’t believe

Pushing us around

Letting us know though we cannot see

There are forces

Invisible forces

That are greater than us

Larger than us

More powerful than us

Respecting their might

Honouring their ability

I ask them to deliver me

Safely to where I am meant to be

If it is meant to be

Then safely back home

I close my eyes and pray

Asking my Sprit Guides and Angels

To help me

To rescue me

And then I surrender

Stop pleading

Stop resisting

What is meant to be

Relaxing in to the rhythm of the turbulence

Into the shifting of the airplane

Accepting I am where I am meant to be

So there is no sense in resisting

No sense in trying to stop what is happening

Or worrying

Because everything is unfolding as planned

And once I let go

The twisting

Pitching

And up and down movements of the airplane

No longer frighten me

As I become one with them

As they become one with me

Teaching a lesson again about life

There are invisible forces

Greater than me

Greater than us

Alongside all the time

Helping us

Directing us

Guiding us

To be in the place we are

To accept the fate we asked for

Delivering us

All the things we asked for

And it makes no sense resisting

No sense fighting

Gathering up the nerve

I looked out the window

And saw clear blue skies

No clouds

No evidence of what was causing us so much movement

No signs of the mysterious resistance we were encountering

And understood at once that those forces are invisible to us

But very present

Always present

Because there are just some things we are not meant to see

But know they exist

And are there to help us

As long as we are willing to surrender

To let go

To have faith

That our prayers

Our wishes

Our desires

Are always answered

When we know what we want

And receive it 

With gratitude and grace

Today I honour a woman I never knew I would or could

Today there is a family on the other side of the world – a father and a daughter and a son – a husband, a sister and a brother - who woke up remembering the day their lives changed one year before – February 18, 2013. The day their wife and mother was taken from them. The day she succumbed to cancer after a brave eight year battle. She fought long and hard keeping herself strong for as long as she could to allow her children to be prepared for when she was gone. The day they became a wifeless husband and motherless children. The day they said goodbye to the love of their lives.

She was a woman I never met but got to know from a distance. A woman who loved my husband as his first wife. A woman who because of how our paths initially crossed could not become my friend nor I hers.

But for some reason in her death she reached out to me to ask my permission to allow her to have closure with my husband who was her husband first. For some reason through a synchronicity of events she reached out to me in time for the closure to come on the first anniversary of her passing from this world to the next – today, February 18, 2014.

And I think she chose me because she knew I was the stronger one. Because she knew I was the one who would understand more about how death affects children and grieving spouses. She knew I would have the empathy to allow my husband to grieve her death. To make contact with those who were left behind after her death. To honour her in the way she deserved to be honoured because he was not able to do so while she was still alive.

I think about her and talked about her to my Spirit Mother only days before discovering she had gone from this world to the next. Telling my spirit Mother I thought now would have been a good time for this woman and I to meet to talk, to apologize to each other for what had transpired between us some 24 years before. And I believe she heard me and came to me to show me she forgives me by sending the news of her death to me first through someone else. She came to me to let me know all was well between us and the only thing left undone before her work in the physical form was done was the closure needed between her and my husband, her husband first. And I became her vehicle to do that just. Allowing her in to my home and into my husband's heart for the last time through my heart.

I pray for her children – a daughter who was the same age as I was when I lost my mother and a son, the same age as my younger brother when we lost our mother. A daughter who is about the age of my son now and a son who is about the age of my daughter. My heart aches for them. For the memories that will never come for them in the future with their mother. But I hope they will learn as I did many years later that the love of a mother never leaves. It always remains deep, deep in our hearts. That though they do not see their mother in a physical way, they will always feel her with them in a spiritual way.

That when the world feels like it is against them, she will send them a shiver down their backs with a faint breeze. She will ask them to remember her every time they see a yellow daffodil. Every time her son sledges she will ask him to think of the times she sledged with him.

So today, February 18, 2014, I honour a woman I did not get to know in the physical form but a woman who chose me to help her to mend the broken pieces that could not have otherwise been mended if I had not become woman enough to forgive and to let go. To understand that in time all heals. To allow her and my husband, her husband first, the dignity to say goodbye. To bring closure to a time that is no more.

May she rest in peace knowing she was loved and her name will always be spoken from a place of love because there is nothing like a mother’s love.  Nothing like lasting and honest love. Sleep in peace now Frances Clare Drewery, your work here is done. With honour and respect. Namaste

Letting go of those who do not deserve a place in my life

Yesterday some news came to me from a source I least expected. News that there are people out there trying their best to disparage the name of my family. The names of my children. By gossiping and trying to belittle us. Trying their best to hide their intentions behind the cloak and dagger of victimhood.

Trying to conceal that it is them. Not us that need to find what their inner demons are. Because they don’t have the wisdom to know by doing what they are doing is showing it is them not us that need to go deep within to find what they lack.

Yesterday I got wind of some horrible things that are being said about me and my family from a source I least expected. And at first I was gutted. Could not understand why people who did not want to be in the presence of my family cannot handle the fact that we have given them what they asked for.  Moved out of their presence with gratitude and grace.

Accepting that sometimes we have to walk away rather than remain. That sometimes it is not worth the hassle to remain in a place where goodness does not reside nor does it belong. So we left without malice and certainly without regret.

But these people won’t let go. Can’t let go because they specialize in tormenting. In gossiping. In bringing others down regardless of age, sex, belief or religion. Because then they don’t have to take care of themselves. They don’t have to deal with what they need to deal with. They don’t have to take care of their own homes because they are so busy trying to destroy the homes of others.

Yesterday I heard some news that almost made me become like those that destroy. Almost made me want to get in the mud. Roll up my sleeves and become like those who specialize in spreading dark and malicious energy.

But I came home and spoke to my husband about what I had heard. Talked to him about the hurt I felt. About the pain I experienced because no matter how strong I am, no matter how much I strive to be in the light, I am human. And I am a mother and a wife who will try to protect my family from harm. From dark forces who are intent on trying to destroy what they cannot have because they do not understand that in order to have what they want, they must become what they want. Not what they do not want.

They must find love and light rather than wallowing in the shadows of life. Rather than trying to destroy, they must learn to create, to share, to delight in themselves so they can delight in others. They must learn there is enough abundance in this world that they don’t have to take from others.  In order to receive, they must learn that life gives back exactly what we put out.

Until they learn these fundamentals about life, they will never find satisfaction, love or trust. All they will find is darkness and lack. Hatred and regret.

Yesterday I got wind of horrible news that is being spread about my family. And at first I wanted to destroy. Give back to those people what they are doling out. But then I realized there is no need to respond. No need to jump in the mud. No need to become the darkness. Because it is not what I want in my life.

So this morning when I woke, I decided to write. To set the pain I felt down on paper in order to release it. Surrender it back to the place from which it came. Closing my heart to those who do not deserve a place in it. Releasing them. Surrendering them back to the place they came without malice or the need for retribution.

Instead I surrender them back to where they came with forgiveness, peace, love and light because they obviously need it more than they even know. Wishing them the best in their lives. Recognising their lives have nothing to do with my family’s nor mine unless I allow them in.

Particularly when I read this morning meditation, “In this age of degeneration, when one meets all sorts of problems and adverse circumstances the practice of generating positive thoughts is very effective. If someone lacks this practice, even though that person might be a very serious meditator, he or she will meet with many hardships and hurdles.”

Once I read this message, I knew I was being answered by angels, by the Divine telling me to let go and to forgive by not inviting trouble back into my life. And so I listened and am listening by resisting the temptation to become like those dark forces who are intent on destroying human good. Instead I am turning to the light. Looking up rather than down because after all I will never find rainbows if I am looking down. And what a horrible fate that would be.

Indulging myself in rest

This morning I indulged myself by staying in bed even though I have so many things to do today. Some many places I have to be. But I could not resist the warmth of my bed particularly since I was not flushed with hot flashes. Heavenly. I felt so comfortable that I just snuggled in.

I woke at my usual time then felt so good to know that I did not have to be anywhere until hours later so I took comfort in knowing I could just roll over and go back to sleep. And I did. For what I thought was for a few minutes.

But then I woke to the sun streaming through my windows. Birds chirping and the sounds of the day fully awake. The day had broken and started and had left me behind. Left me in that place of in between yesterday and today.  I looked at the clock and was surprised to see I had slept for another three hours. Obviously my whole being needed it so I gave myself permission to stay in bed for a few minutes more. Enjoying the fact that it was Saturday morning and I still had a few hours before I had to get a move on it.

And before I knew it one and a half hours had gone by because I had drifted into another deep sleep. I jumped up feeling totally guilty for not getting up and doing some of the things I said I was going to do like go for a walk and inhale the morning air. Like meditate and clear my rambling thoughts. Like cook breakfast for my family so no one was rushing around trying to make sure they are in the places they were meant to be.

I rushed into the shower berating myself for taking my time. For not doing what I was meant to do. Until the water started to run over me. Washing away the worry and the angst that was taking over my being. Each drop of water reminding me that sometimes we just have to indulge ourselves and listen to what our mind, bodies and souls are telling us they need. To accept that sometimes that means to just rest and do nothing. To sleep and allow our whole beings to recharge. To not worry about the things we thought we were supposed to do. Instead to just accept we are exactly where we are meant to be. Doing exactly what we are meant to be doing.

And after I showered and dressed and sat down to write this blog, I realized even more  that this morning  my meditation, my walk and cooking breakfast were all in my mind’s dream world where I escaped for a little while from the demands of my every day existence and instead remained in that place of surrender. That place where there are no worries, no regrets, no clocks. Just plain surrender and now I feel good. Rested and ready to go.

Accepting that sometimes we just have to let go and be where we are really meant to be not where we thought we should be. And just as I finished typing this piece, my Cardinal started singing good morning to me. Chirping above all the other birds so I could hear him letting me know all is well. All is good.

Happy Saturday everyone. 

For the longest time love evaded me

For the longest time

Love evaded me

Hid from me

Ran from me

Until I realized

It was not love

It was me

Love is always with us

Because it is us

We don’t have to chase it

Pursue it

Become something else

Or someone else

In order to find it

Have it

Revel in it

Because I am discovering

It is with us all the time

Because it is us

Waiting for us

To open our hearts

Be vulnerable

Flexible

And free

Nonjudgmental

Unafraid

To let the love

That is our light

Shine from deep within

True love sometimes gets confused with fantasy love

The romantic and highly sensual

Attraction love that we feel

When we first meet someone

Who moves us

The spark that is the signal

That we are meant to be

But that spark is just an aphrodisiac

Like the first high

Of a drug

Meant to enrapture us

Entangle us

So we can release

Who we truly are

And once we do with love

The highly magnetic feeling

Fades

And becomes more everyday

Because there is no need

To magnify us anymore

Because we know and trust

Love

But some of us

Spend the rest of our lives

In search of that first love high

Going from relationship to relationship

Expecting to feel that inexplicable hormonal

Animal exchange

The heat that comes when love is new

When love is calling our name

When it is giving us the surge

To open to the one who will remain

But what I am learning is that

Love grows

And changes

And matures 

Just like us

Becoming comfortable

Nonjudgmental

And freeing

Allowing us to be who we were sent here to be

Allowing us to show who we truly are

To the ones who love us back

Without judgment

And have our backs

At all times

Love is deeply satisfying

When we realize

We don’t have to seek love

We don’t have to chase love

We don’t have to become

Anyone else but who we are

To receive the love

And be the love

Meant for us

Because true love is always there

And available for us

When we know

We are love

And love is us

We understand

We are made from love

And love is made from us

We know love is the light

That comes from deep within

And when all else fades

Love remains

Grounding us

Focusing us

And providing us

With the light we need

To make it through our darkest days

For the longest time

I searched for love

Chased after love

Thought I was incapable of love

Until love came and remained

Encouraging me to grow

Encouraging me to show

My vulnerable

And courageous self

Who is made of love

Allowing me to give love

Embrace love

And to be love

So now I love

My love

On a different level

Than I knew was ever possible

Because I know without a doubt

That I am love

And love is me

Happy Valentine’s Day to all who know

That love remains when all else fades

It is the sun rising in the morning

The rain falling

The dew in the morning light

The thunder and the lighting

The bird singing

The butterfly fluttering by

The rose opening its petals

The cry of a baby

The moonlight on a dark night

Laughter

Tears

Hugs

It is creation

Beginnings and Endings

Love is ever present

Because Love is who we are

And what we are

Love never fades

Because love is

The beginning and Ending

For the longest time

Love evaded me

Hid from me

Ran from me

Until I realized

It was not love

It was me

Love is always with us

Because it is us

Namaste

Life is but a moment

Life is but a moment. A message I received from Tyler Perry this morning. And though I know it was not a personal message, it felt that way to me because his message was meant for me to hear. Short and sweet and drew me in because like him, I am a motherless child. And his message was speaking about the short life his mother lived more in image than in words. But it resonated with me.

Then I opened another message from Brave Girls Club and it said, You have a message. You have a mission. You have a purpose one that is unique to you – one that no one else can live out but you - don’t forget to share it. And what I heard and read was don’t forget to live it. Shaking me out of the pits of darkness.

I needed these messages this morning so I know my angels and guides heard my plea for help. My cry for balance. My desire to release the pent up emotions welling up inside me that were threatening to pull me under. Keep me in that place of darkness that serves no one but darkness itself.

Last night I went to bed harboring resentment. Resentment for the way certain things in my life are unfolding. Resentment because I feel like I am losing my purpose. Losing my voice and giving so much of myself away so that everyone else can find their way. So that everyone else can be happy. So that everyone can be at peace with their demons. And sometimes I feel like I am being taken advantage of. Sometimes I feel no matter how much I give, it is never enough or when I feel like my time for giving is up, someone or something else creeps in demanding more from me. And because I am a giving person, I sometimes give until I feel depleted. At least this was the story I was telling myself over and over again. Taking me down into a pit of feeling sorry for myself. Feeling like I am drowning while everyone else is swimming, winning and achieving their dreams while my dream seems to be floating off in the distance.

I woke up this morning still filled with resentment. Until I read those posts, those posts that were delivered just for me to see. Tyler Perry reminding me that life is but a moment. A blink in the grand scheme of things. Over before we know it. Before we think it has begun because we are too busy living other people’s lives that we forget to live our own. So busy being what other people want us to be that we forget who we are. So busy giving to others that we forget to give to ourselves.

And then Brave Girls Club reminded me that I have a message. I have a mission. I have a purpose unique to me on this Earth while I am alive in this physical form. Reminding me I asked to come here to do something and until I am brave enough to use my voice, to stand up for who I am, to not give until I am depleted, then I will carry resentment with me always. And it will grow and spread like a cancer until it ravages me and leaves me believing I am a victim rather than the victor I am capable of being.

Because life is but a moment and it is up to me to capture that moment so I can be my message, live out my mission and own my purpose. No one else can do that for me or take it away from me unless I give them permission. Unless I invite them in. Unless I give all of me away before giving to myself. So I am surrendering resentment back to where it belongs and breathing in possibility and faith and hope.  Opening myself up to the All that is waiting just for me.  In gratitude to my angels coming in the guise of Tyler Perry and Brave Girls Club this morning for helping me to rescue myself from drowning in a self-imposed pool of shallow water.

When I don't know where to begin

There are times when I just don’t know 

Where to begin

Where to belong

Where to fit in

There are times when all I can do is

Sit in silence and wait

Wait for the inspiration 

To come

To guide me

Ground me

There are times when the uncertainty is greater than the certainty

When life seems to take turn after turn

When roads meet then diverge

And take me back to where I began

There are times when I look at myself in the mirror

And do not recognize who see

Wonder who she is and

What I am meant to be

There are times when the thought of doing another day in the same way

Is a huge chore

When life challenges me to stop

Just stop

And listen

Forcing me to

Stop worrying

Stop fretting

Telling me to just begin

Take the first step

Write the first line

Without expectation

Fear

Or trepidation

Asking me to

Just let it flow

Get in the flow

With gratitude

With abundance

Without worry

And then life starts to flow

Allowing the image in the mirror to  become recognizable

The steps to become lighter

And I surrender

Surrender it all

To the voice within

And do as my intuition

And inner voice

Guide me to do

And that’s when I understand

The uncertainty

The trepidation

The fear

The worry

Were all there to stop me

To point me

In the direction I am meant to go

To lead me to where I am meant to be

Away from where I was not meant to be

To ask me to remember

That beyond anything else

Gratitude and love

Are the most important drivers in our lives

They help to open us to the more that exists for us all

They help us to know no matter what

THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR

Always someone to love

Beginning with ourselves

With where we are

With what we have

As soon as we understand and accept that

Each step becomes easier

Each task lighter

Each line easier to write

Because our direction comes

From that place deep within

Where we know who we are

And what we are capable of

So on those days when there is more uncertainty than there is certainty

I am learning to be grateful

Because they are leading me to my place of love

My place of truth

My place where I l know

I am as I am where I am

And that is the only truth

Namaste

The morning night skies have been beautiful of late

The night morning skies of late have been beyond beautiful.

Beyond anything that can be described fully

Black, dark skies, like there is nothing beyond

Yet leaving me feeling there is everything beyond

Closing me to feel like we are enclosed in the nothingness

Then opening me again to feel like there is no enclosure because of the presence of the all

Infinite, glorious, huge, wow

Twinkling stars, abundant and bright 

A lone bright star large like an orb of light all on its own 

Sitting in the southwest corner of the dark sky

Holding court all on its own

Owning the sky full of stars

All radiating and casting their light in an otherwise black night.

In awe of the light these stars that look tiny to us from a distance 

But are huge in their own right shine down on us

And lighten up the blackest darkest night

Helping us to navigate through the darkness

Bringing us much needed light

Not a cloud in the sky to obscure the beauty and radiance of the stars

Illuminating that dark liquid ink black night

Showing us the magnificence of creation

Allowing me to see

There is something magical about a black sky filled with stars

Something that allows me to believe there is something much greater than me

Than us in the beyond

There is something much more than we could ever understand or fully comprehend

Something that allows light even in the darkest night

Something that adds to the mystery that is us

That is the all

Yet there is something sinister about a dark night with stars twinkling down on us as well

Almost as if the whole sky and stars could come crashing down on us

Destroy us in a flash

Great balls of fire

But that to me is the dichotomy of life

Sometimes depending on our vantage point

We can the beauty in all things 

Like the stars twinkling on a cloudless still night

Or we can see the darkness and little balls of fire in the sky 

And believe they can destroy without a thought

Nature has a funny way of showing the divide that exists within us all

A funny way of reminding us that at all times 

We have so much to draw upon 

Particularly when we think we are fumbling in the darkness

Reminding us through its presence and change

All we need to do is remember there is always a beginning 

And an ending 

With a journey in between

Sometimes that journey will be so dark that we feel we will never find the light

Then other times there will be so much light that we are never lost

And then sometimes we are stuck in the in between

In between the darkness and the light

In between the beginning and the end

And the journey feels endless

And just when we are about to give up

To lose hope

To question our faith

A dark sky filled with light opens for us

No clouds

No questions

Just clarity of the immenseness of the Universe we reside in

That is within us all

That is us all

Illustrating for us the possibility that exists for us all

Is within us all

Is us all

Allowing us to remember

There is a beginning and an ending

And a journey in between

How that journey begins and ends

Depends on how we view the dark sky filled with radiant light

The morning, night skies have been beautiful of late

Filled with promise

Possibility

And faith

Infinite wisdom on our doorsteps

Waiting for us to discover

To accept

The immenseness of our power

On a beautiful dark morning  night

Struggling as a parent in this technological age

There is such a delicate balance between directing and guiding. Such a delicate balance between restraining and parenting. Such a delicate balance between anger and respect.

Parenting teaches us all these things. The art of holding on while letting go. The art of parenting while shedding.

And sometimes that balance gets thrown off when we try too hard to make our children into something they are not. When we try too hard to make them do the things we want them to do rather than the things they want to do. When we want them be like we were when we were children forgetting that times has moved on and the things that brought us joy no longer resonate with them. We are living in an age of technology where everything in the world and Universe, that we know if, is at their fingertips. At our fingertips.

At the click of a mouse they open the world and the Universe to themselves. They can discover and see so much more than we ever could before the invention of computers. And though we know it is changing the way they interact with each other and with us, there does not seem to be much we can do about it as this is the way life is going. We can fight. Try to resist it and shake our heads in angst but all we are doing is creating a gulf. A wedge between us and our children.

We can scream and shout and wish they would go outside more. Explore nature more but they are growing up in a time when technology is king. They are the bridges between the old and new and while we are clinging to the old, they are reaching out to grasp on to the wave that is before them before it crests and they are left drowning in a time that is no more.

Sometimes I step back and listen to myself shouting at my son telling him to get off his computer, telling him there is more to life than being on the computer, that he needs to go outside, to exercise, to see life beyond the confines of his room. But then I realize he is playing a game with his friends who have scattered around the world in different boarding schools – Australia, England, Scotland, the US and they are talking like they are next door. Like it matters not that there is distance between them.  Like it matters not that their experiences are very different daily. But what this computer thing is doing is keeping them in touch. Something we could never have done years before. So even though their lives may be changing and going in different directions, technology is actually keeping them in touch. Allowing them to remain in each other’s lives. Actually keeping a bond that may have been lost otherwise.

So what are we meant to do as parents? Are we meant to keep taking the light out of the eyes of our teenagers because we want them to be as we were when they are straddling a time we cannot and will not understand. When everything they want to discover and know about is at their fingertips. When they use their computers like it is an appendage. When I see little babies barely able to walk walking around with an IPad looking at movies or “educational games” on there, navigating between screens as if they were born to do that, I question whether we are capable of stopping this movement. Or is it here to stay and we just have to learn to live with it?

As parents I am realizing we have to let go and let our children find their way through this technological age so that they don’t become dinosaurs in an age we did not grow up in but are aging in. I am so torn about this age of technology and policing it for my children that I am putting my thoughts out there to see what comes back.  I’m open to suggestions because I don’t want to lose my bond with my children – so please feel free to share them with me because I’m struggling as a parent with this technological age. Look forward to some feedback. Any feedback....

This morning I got the call

This morning I got the call
The call I had been waiting for
Since my Mysty went from this world to the next
Since my husband was thrown into turmoil and despair
When he got news that shook his core
And because he is part of my core
I was shaken as well
So I was waiting
Waiting for life to send me the call
The call that would wake me from my slumber
Wake me from the darkness that was threatening to pull me in
Shroud me
Disguise me
Bury me
And it came this morning
As I was between sleep and awake
Between yesterday's thoughts and experiences to this new day
It came in the call of the cardinal
The red bird's song
Summoning me
Pulling me
Willing me 
To get out of bed
While the day was still young
While the possibility still remained
To allow me to cast aside my fear of walking in nature again
Regardless of what my body looks like
Regardless of my preconceived notions of how I am meant to look right now
To embrace the fact that I woke up this morning
And heard the call 

The song of the redbird
So I got up 
Looked at my face in the mirror
The face of a woman nearly 51
The face of a woman 

Who has endured so much
Weathered so much
Survived so much
Conquered so much
And told her
Told me
To shake of the insecurity
The excuses and get out there
And embrace the life that wants to embrace me
So I put on my walking clothes 

And went back to the mirror 

And saw
The face of a renewed woman 

Who was ready to go
To walk
To hear 
To see 
The sound of the cardinal
The song of the red bird
Singing just for me
As I walked outside
There he was
Majestic
Red
Strong
Proud
Singing his song
Facing me
High up on his perch
The highest point in my yard
The oldest point in my yard 
Right above where my Mysty lies
Where we put her one week to this day

Was the cardinal
On the top of the old dead cedar tree
Singing his song
Wiling me
Coaxing me
Letting me know all is well
As I walked he followed me and found me again
On the wire singing
Willing me 

Coaxing me

To keep putting one step in front of the other
And then he was gone

As I got to the beach
Where the ocean's song took over
Waves crashing and retreating 
On the pink sandy shore
Filling me with joy
As I walked 
I looked out over the horizon
The endless horizon
And breathed in the air
The breath of life
The joy of living
The smell of living
Tears welling in my eyes

As I felt blessed

Grateful

To live in such a beautiful place

Where the ocean is blue

The sand pink

The weather perfect

On this February Saturday morn

The sky clear

Except for a few puffy clouds

People walking

Running

Dogs without their leash

Tears stinging my eyes

As I thought about 

Those suffering with cold weather

Winter storms

Ocean lashing their shores

As our ocean gently rippled

Reflecting the sun

Tears stinging my eyes

As I realized 

Sometimes it takes death
Or news of death
To make us appreciate life
To appreciate each breath we take
To see the beauty all around us
To know we are part of it all

So I sat down on the steps

High above the ocean

And let life fill me

With gratitude and love

Allowing them to flow through me

Until I was full

Then as I made my trek back home

There on a tree

Another dead cedar tree

In the midst of the old railway trail

Appeared my cardinal

Singing just for me

I heard it again

And followed it

The call I was waiting for
The call of the cardinal
The bringer of news from the other world
The coaxer
The spirit bringer
Wiling me
Coaxing me
With his lilting song
The song of the everlasting spirit
That embraces us all
Namaste