Gray clouds on a cloudless day

A slightly better day today. Still seeing gray clouds even though the sky is blue.

I am in a serious contemplation mood. Contemplating everything. Questioning decisions I have made in my life. Trying to make sure that I have learned the lessons that I was meant to learn so that I don’t have to travel down those same roads again. Sometimes that’s easier said than done because at the end of the day with each move that I have made has led me to where I am today and who I am today.

So at the end of the day would I change anything in my life if I had the chance to do it all over again? That was the question that was lingering in my mind all morning. After going to my quiet place and still feeling melancholy, I just decided what the heck I’m going to stop feeling sorry for myself and just start doing even though all I want to do is lie down and go to sleep!

So I started typing this blog today not knowing what I was going to write about. Not feeling it but now I am coming alive again. With each word that forms I feel a power coming over me.  And as I typed the answer came to me about whether I would change anything in my life and I was amazed when I discovered the answer was resoundingly no.

The sudden death of my mother when I was thirteen allowed me to become self sufficient, independent and resilient. It allowed me to see that no matter how horrible and dark life can be there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Every experience that I have had in my life has been necessary for me to learn something more about me. Right now what I am being taught and it came to me as clear as day when I was having Reiki done yesterday - I must learn to be patient, to wait, to not force anything because my life is unfolding exactly how it is meant to unfold. I can’t let anyone bully me into making decisions that do not resonate with my soul. I must wait until I feel that feeling deep inside that we all get when we know the time is right, the situation is right, and the person is right. That feeling that says, Aah. And only then will I act. So for now I just need to enjoy every moment of freedom that I am experiencing rather than fretting about losing it and not getting all the things done that I want during this time. The only person that is stopping me from experiencing and growing at the moment is me. So I am going to try to get out of my own way to make way for whatever is being gifted to me.

So though I’m still seeing gray clouds on a cloudless day, I am meant to see them so I know that those gray clouds are in my eyes only but all around me the sky is blue letting me know that soon those gray clouds will pass and all will be blue.