Yesterday I was told one of my close relatives had died.
Even though I knew he was troubled, I was still shocked by his death. Death has
a funny way of doing that. Shocking us. Even though we all know we are going to
die someday. Guaranteed. We are born to die. Yet it still shocks us.
Yesterday I could not get the memories of my cousin out of
my head. I kept thinking about our days of innocence. When we grew up together
on Cedar Hill with not a care in the world. When families were families. When
we all visited the homestead every single day and played together as brothers,
sisters, cousins, neighbours, friends. How one did nothing without the others.
We were a pack. A tribe. We had each other’s back.
I thought back to the days when we roamed the hills from
dawn to dusk. Our parents never worrying about where we were. Giving us the
freedom to explore. Knowing we were safe as a tribe. Taking comfort in the fact
that we had each other’s backs.
I thought about how we all had stars in our eyes. How the
world was ours to take on and none of us feared for or thought about the future. How we just lived in the moment. Playing Cowboys
and Indians. Football. Our homestead the gathering spot. Swimming off the
rocks. Picnics.
I thought about how our paths had started out the same but
somehow they had separated. Each of us taking the paths we were destined to
take. Pulling us far apart and onto our individual life paths. Our journeys
very different. Often never to cross again with the same intimacy. I thought about how I used to love my cousin
because he was so handsome. So suave. So sure of where he was going. How
envious I was of him that everyone wanted him and no one even noticed me. Awe
mixed with pride mixed with envy and love was how I felt about him. I just knew
he was destined for great things. How could he not? Everyone was under his spell.
But then something happened that I will never know nor
understand. Something no one else but he will truly know or understand that
took him down a path that he could not turn back from. A path that led him to a
great darkness that engulfed him. Pulled him in and he was never able to find
his way back.
I think now about when I saw him last. How I remember
thinking all the light had gone out of his eyes. About how I felt his soul
calling, crying for help. But his pride veiled it. Keeping him shrouded in the
darkness. I think about what more could I have done, he have done, we as a
family could have done to help him, bring him back from his place of darkness.
But I know it is too late for that now. That his destiny has played out in the
way it was meant to play out. That his time had come. And all I hope is that he
finally found the light he was looking for. That he understood the darkness
that took him from us long ago. That he made peace with himself and all that
was weighing him down.
And I will hold on to the memory of him when we roamed the
hills when we were young. When we believed in magic. When we had each other’s
back. When we were family. And he used to smile that mischievous smile and we
would melt. That’s how I will remember him forever.
Good bye my cousin for now. May your soul rest in peace. May
your memory remind me that life is all about the paths we take. The choices we
make. And more importantly it is knowing we are as great as we believe we are.
As full of possibility as we believe we are. Because life is very ,very short
in the grand scheme of things. And it is up to us to live it with intention and
intensity while we have it.
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