Don't swim against the tide

Yesterday morning I sat in front of Hamilton Harbour. The water was very dark with white caps and lots of chop. It mirrored my mood when I first got there, choppy, dark because I am feeling so overwhelmed with everything. Trying to do too much, fit in too much. Be too much. Complete too much because I am about to embark on another Chapter in my life and time feels like it is running out for me to do all the times I was meant to do with this current phase in my life.

As a result of the stress I have put on myself because I can't tell anyone no. Because I am feeling vulnerable. Because my head is spinning, I shouted at my children on the way to school. I had no patience with them because I have no patience with myself right now. I dropped them off and as I was driving away all I wanted to do was to turn the car round and go back to hug them one more time to tell them I was sorry but I couldn't. And I knew they would be embarrassed beyond words if their mother turned up saying she wanted to hug them so I kept driving with heavy heart.

I sat in the parking lot in front of the harbour watching the waves and the white caps. Watching the ferries come and go. Watching the bird opportunistically diving in and out of the water trying to catch an unsuspecting fish. As I watched the harbour and the waves I felt the tension start to seep out of my body. It was so serene and soothing to just take a moment to catch my breath. To watch the sun shine for a minute then be obscured by the clouds. The sense of peace that washed over me was just what I needed. I inhaled and exhaled several times taking in the beauty of the place I live in. Expressing the gratitude I felt at that moment for having the wisdom to know I needed to just stop for a moment. To reflect.

And once my mind became silent and the chatter ceased and my heart rate slowed down, I realised why water has been more prominent in my life this week. The ocean which surrounds me every day but I sometimes don’t even see it, is trying to tell me to swim with the tide. Don't try to swim against it. Just go with the flow and when the tide subsides I will be able to swim wherever it is I need to go without effort. It was saying to me with its own movements, just stay in the flow and everything will be okay.

And for this lesson I am truly grateful.