The least obvious person is our greatest teacher

Last night I went to bed frustrated because I did not get anything accomplished I had planned to. My internet was down. My computer was going crazy. Zeros appearing across the screen. My whole dashboard reconfigured in a way that I did not know how to get into anything. I felt like I had lost my best friend when I could not get into my computer. The place where I write. The space where I can confront my innermost desires and fears was taken away from me. And I didn't know what to do. How to feel.
I was snappy. Irritated. No patience. Shouting at my children, my husband because I could not get to my computer. Then I wondered why it had happened. Was it because I needed to shut down. Take a break from my alter ego and just be for a bit. I tried to think like that but woke up this morning still feeling antsy. Worrying about how I was going to write my blog and post it particularly since I am flying today.
Then the outfit I thought I was going to wear did not look as good as I thought. I have put on some pounds so the clothes I used to look cute in don't look the same right now so I became frustrated with myself and the Universe again. Instead of telling myself to stop stuffing my face with carbohydrates that didn't appeal to me in the past.
So my husband and I ended up leaving the house a little later than I would have liked so I was again nervous about being late. Again taking myself out of the moment and projecting into the unknown. As we stepped out of the front door, the morning sound of a bird chirping so sweetly lifted my mood. I followed his sound and found him sitting at the top of our Poinciana tree. A little chick of the village bird, tiny as could be, but with the sound of much larger presence. Listening to him, seeing him against the backdrop of night turning into morning lifted my spirits.
I looked up at the clouds and the sky was picture perfect, wispy orangy clouds against the grey blue sky transforming from its night dress to morning light and felt again a sense of peace. As we drove to the airport, the roads were quiet, the air was still, mist was still clinging to the plants and objects not ready to let go, the light was growing and I felt like I was being given this opportunity to understand if I stay in the moment and enjoy it for what it is, I won't panic about what I can't control. I will just surrender to whatever is unfolding at the moment. So I did surrender and just sat back against the seat of our new car. Feeling like eveything was unfolding as it should.
Until I got to the airport and checked in, late because no internet the night before to do so and found that the only seats left were middle seats. My serenity gave way to disappointment. But then I decided to try to change my situation so I walked up to the counter with the biggest smile and the sweetest talk to see if I could sweet talk the agent into changing my seat. Not a chance. He couldn't change my seat because the flight was oversold. But I got him to smile.Then  I moved on.
As I rounded the corner for US customs I was confronted by a long line. School is out for Easter break so every family is taking advantage of the time to travel. Again my anxiety increased because I was hoping to write my blog while waiting. No chance of that with the line stretching almost back to the check in counter.
Then when I boarded the flight I ended up sitting next to a grown man playing shooting games in his IPhone with no ear plugs. the sound was irritating beyond belief and he was oblivious to anyone around him because he was so focused on his game. I looked at hin out of the corner of my eye with steam coming out of my head but when I saw his face I let go off my anger, that man was so content in his fantasy world that he was focused on the moment. Not worrying about what was going to happen next, who was going to be sitting next to him or whether the flight was going to leave on time, he was focused on playing his game.
And then I understood why he came into my life. To show me that if I too focus on the moment, my whole outlook will change and once  I got it, my outkook changed. My anger with him subsided. My body relaxed. I took a nap and when we levelled out, I opened my lap top and wrote this blog. Feeling like I have accomplished so much despite everything starting out in a chaotic way.
And the reason why it did was because I did as Ekhart Tolle says, "Accept - then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it...This will miraculously transform your whole life."

We are the path we are searching for

“You cannot tread the path before you become the path.” Zen saying

Why did this quote keep coming back to me last night? Why could I not get it out of my head?

I thought about this quote for quite some time before going to bed then woke up this morning with it on my mind.

You cannot tread the path before you become the path yourself.

When I first read it, it sent shivers down my spine but I did not know why. I lingered on it for a while then went past it but it was still reverberating through my mind. Just as it slipped out of my consciousness, it appeared again in something else I was reading. Causing me to contemplate the meaning of the quote for some time again. Trying to understand what the Universe was trying to tell me.

And then I knew and understood something I had heard over and over again when I was a child, I am the truth and the Light. This quote just like the saying is reminding us that we are the way. We are the path. We are the journey.

It makes no sense looking for the way. Searching for the path because it will never appear until we see that we are the way, the path, the truth and the light in the first place. We are the only ones who can chart our course because it is within us. Of us. By us. For us.

Everything that has happened to me this week has reminded me that whatever I open my mind to is what I create. Particularly in the latter part of the week when I decided I was going to accept that I am abundant and prosperous and when I did, so many opportunities I thought were gone and did not even know existed came into my life. The gentleman night before last who paid for my dinner was the icing on the cake to let me clearly see that I cannot tread the path before I become the path.

And the Universe wanted me to be reminded last night to not forget that the path I want my life to take is within me to create. Reminding me I have to decide who and what I am. Reminding me to become the path I desire and then tread it with confidence, dignity, love, light, peace and gratitude. No searching. No scheming. Just being, So I can tread the path I have become.

A random act of kindness opens my heart

Last night a friend and I went to dinner. We were having lively discussions when I noticed a man acting very strangely.

He kept pointing at me. I thought I was being paranoid but there was something about him that drew him to me. And me to him.  I thought he was drunk. I thought he was being a public nuisance. He seemed to be harassing one of the waitresses so I thought. Then the manager stepped in and I thought it was to put the man in his place. I just knew the man was up to no good. Then he walked out of the restaurant with a glass in hand. No one stopped him. No one seemed to be bothered by him.

The man never made contact with anyone in the restaurant except the employees. As my friend and I were about to order teas, the waitress told us our meal had been paid for expect if we were to order desserts and coffee. My friend and I looked at each other incredulously.

“Who paid for our meal?” We both asked simultaneously.

Inside I knew it was the man that had been acting strangely but I needed the waitress to confirm it. She said it was a man who comes into the restaurant and from time to time pays for people’s dinners without them knowing it. She said he had paid for everyone in her station which included 4 tables – 2 tables of 2, 1 table of 3 and another table of 8. So in total that gentleman paid for 15 people to eat last night. Without wanting anything in return. Not even a thank you.

None of us could believe it. None of us knew what to say. All of us were grateful for the altruistic and random act of kindness from a man who did not seek accolades, thanks or recognition. He paid for our meals for reasons we will never know but he most definitely did not do it to be recognised or thanked.

This is a man who will always attract abundance in his life because he is so generous with his abundance. Whoever that gentleman is I am sending him a thank you from the bottom of my heart. His random act of kindness reminded me just how good it can feel to be on the other side of someone’s generosity. True generosity with no strings attached. Nothing owed.

He also reminded me that we should never judge someone by the way they are acting because we don’t know them enough to judge. I had written this man of as a public nuisance and he turned out to be an angel in disguise. Reminding me that you never know who your next angel could be so treat everyone with respect and kindness.

My heart was opened last night. My soul rejoiced. My whole being pleased to know that chivalry is not dead and neither is kindness. There is hope for our world when we have people who still act from the abundance of their hearts with no expectations.  And that is a good feeling. 

I give myself permission to be abundant and prosperous

All my life I have been looking for me. Waiting for me to emerge. Trying to get the innermost desires of my soul to the surface and then I realised I was there all the time. Waiting for me to see me, appreciate me. Embrace me.

There is no right time or wrong time for us to see who we are. We always are. There is no waiting for our essence self to emerge. It is always there. Waiting patiently for us to see it. To embrace it. To love it.

There is no wrong or right in life. It just is.

If we could live our lives knowing that things can be acquired but abundance must be tuned into, we will live a life of more because we would understand there is abundance in us all the time. In everything we so, do, see,  hear and sense. Abundance is ever present in our lives, in ourselves because it is us.

No longer will I say what if, when, how. I just have to accept, dare and be because it is all there for me just as it is for you.

No longer will I look upon the one who has what I have always desired with envy because I am limiting my possibility of being by wasting my time envying rather than doing.

I have to accept and remember that we are all equal, with the same bodily functions, human limitations, and more importantly human possibility. It’s just some of us tap into the abundance and possibility wells more willingly mastering the fear that comes along with it, harnessing it, turning it into the willpower to achieve. To be content. To explore.

There is no use complaining about where I am in life because I have chosen to be in this place. It is up to me to be where I want to be. And no one else can take that away from me or give it to me unless I allow them because “circumstance does not make a man (woman) it reveals him (her)”.

Here’s to riding that rainbow and reaching beyond the stars because I know I am capable, abundant, prosperous and wise. Today and everyday hereafter I give myself permission to be abundant and prosperous.  And so can you. 

Changing my story

The Oprah Life Class is back and I’m so excited. Last night I watched the live taping of the Iyanla Vanzant class about dealing with pain and I got goose bumps several times . The Aha moments were abundant for me. Opening me up to a whole new reality.

Iyanla asked what is the story we are sticking to instead of honouring what we are feeling and moving beyond it. A particular questions she asked was, "How do we reveal the inadequacy for that lie that it is?"

To reveal the lie, she said we need to remind ourselves that we are not inadequate. It’s just a thought we have. If any thought we have brings us pain or upset, all we have to do is change the thought.

We are masters of our thoughts and as a consequence we are masters of our lives. We control every thought. Every emotion. Every response we have every single second, minute, hour of every single  day. If there is something that we don’t like, all we have to do is change the way we perceive it. If the thought causes us stress or pain, all we have to do is find a different thought. Powerful concept when we think about it. So simple.  So why is it that we can’t get ourselves unstuck sometimes?

The reason is we have been telling ourselves the same story about ourselves over and over again. So much so that we don’t even know what our true feelings, strengths, aspirations and dreams are. We have told ourselves we are not worthy of all that we desire because we are so concerned about being perceived as selfish, arrogant, all consuming. But as Iyanla said last night, there is nothing wrong with being self full. For taking care of ourselves first for replacing our stories with what we really want.

Instead of saying I lost my mother many years ago and I still feel the pain, I now embrace that reality of having had a beautiful loving mother who helped me to become the woman I am today and she is still helping me every day. I feel her presence in my mind, body and soul. I feel her love ever present in my heart, opening it up to receive the love I am worthy of receiving. Helping me to spread that unconditional love to all that I encounter who are open to receive it.

Instead of worrying about whether I am doing the right thing by writing, I am embracing the gift that I have to write. To convey the stirrings of my soul to myself and to those who choose to follow my blog because I am worthy.

In essence I am worthy of all the gifts and treasures that are bestowed upon me because I am more than adequate as I am a child of the Divine, a presence much greater than mine but intertwined with me. As are you. As are we all. Worthy. Gifted. Talented.

We are distracted from our greatness because our greatness is what scares us. Right where you are...God is.” Iyanla Vanzant. 

Who would you be without that story? Who would I be without that story? Who would we be without that story?

Releasing the attachment to writing

I have placed attachment to my writing. Expectation. A desire to be discovered.  To be accepted. To be applauded. And because I have I am finding it more and more difficult to make it flow. I’m now worried about whether I am writing for myself or for the satisfaction of those who are reading my blog.

I worry when no one likes what I have written. I feel rejected. Defected. Dejected. Like a failure. Worried I have not hit on what everyone else wants to read about.

I’ve had to give myself several pep talks of late. Questioning why I am writing. Is it to please others or to please myself? Impress others or express myself?

These are difficult questions to answer because I know through the grape vine that more people than I know I are reading my blog. Living vicariously through me. And sometimes I feel incredibly vulnerable because I know they are. Vulnerable because they are reading my thoughts yet I don’t really know who they are.

Sometimes I look into the eyes of those I encounter when they make a statement that lets me know they are reading my blog. But they don’t admit it so I don’t push. I worry because writing this blog is a personal journey for me.  And because it is, it exposes the vulnerable self that lives deep within me.  Exposes me to the outside world. And though writing is my passion, it sometimes feels too burdensome when I wonder why I am writing. And who I am writing for.

Them I question my motives. Why should writing be a chore when it is about my innermost desires, fears, joy, accomplishments, disappointments and mostly it is a channel for the stream of thoughts that are constantly running through my mind? Writing allows me to harness them. Examine them. Put meaning to them. Grow from them.

Just writing this blog today has helped me to answer questions that have been plaguing me for the last couple of weeks.  I cannot worry about who is and who is not reading my blog. I cannot be driven by whether my blog is liked or not. I have to be driven by my desire to write. Act on it and just write. Release the attachments, Expectations I may have of people commenting on my blog.

And write because it is what I want to do. Crave to do. Release any attachments or expectation so I cannot be under pressure to write something profound. Because at the end of the day each one of us has a different definition of what profound is. It is defined by our reality and not the reality of anyone else’s.

So I will continue to write even if no one comments on my writing because at the end of the day I am writing because I am a writer. And sometimes writing means being strong enough to write what is the truth of my soul without expectation, attachment or fear. And to do so with passion and in isolation of the expectation of accolades. Only then will my writing continue to resonate with my soul because I will continue to be true to who I am. And my writing will reflect it. 

So today I release any attachments, expectations, or pressure from my writing. And from this day forward I will just write because I am a writer.

Surrendering to the unexpected

Yesterday morning I woke up to a morning more beautiful than I was expecting. The weather forecast was totally wrong.

There was no sign of the gale force winds and the unsettled weather that had been predicted. Instead I stood at my bedroom door looking out as the night turned into day. Watching the Norfolk Pine tree standing tall in the morning. Its silhouette heightened by the dusk.

Searching for any signs of bad weather, I could see nothing but calm. I felt a sense of peace that was shrouded with anticipation for the weather that I still thought would come. I dressed casually in a track suit to ready myself in case the weather changed. Still not believing what I saw right in front of my face. Clear skies, gentle breeze and calmness. I still expected the weather to change. It never did.

As a matter of fact as the day progressed it only got better instead of worse. The sun came out in full blast. Smiles came back onto the faces of those who had readied themselves for the weather change. Relief came back into our eyes. I dropped my son off for a fun filled birthday celebration for one of his friends. Watching the excitement on their faces because the weather had cooperated with them to long board and swim and hang out.

Took my daughter to her cousin’s house to hang out with her. So they could swim, watch movies and do girl things. My husband and I having an unexpected afternoon and evening all to ourselves. No demands from children. Everyone off doing things fun for themselves. My husband saying wow, I feel like we are adults again. The two of us having quality time together. Thinking about how quickly our children are growing up and becoming more and more independent. Happy to be off doing their own thing. Remembering that my husband and I have to make sure we take time to be with each other so that when the day comes when we are empty nesters, we still have a connection outside of our children.

Getting dressed later to go out to dinner with friends. And we were so relaxed because we didn’t have to rush back for a baby sitter. So we sat and chatted with our friends for hours. Debating about everything that etiquette says should not be topics of dinner conversations - religion, politics, race, and world affairs to name a few. The atmosphere was rife with tension, disagreement, camaraderie and very spirited. All against the backdrop of eating good food. Drinking great wine. Relaxed. No hurrying.

Yesterday was a day of unexpected treasures and gifts from the Universe for my family. Allowing us to bask in all that we have to be grateful for from the unexpected beautiful weather, to unexpected time alone for my husband and I, to unexpected sleepovers for both my children. Reminding me times like these are gifts. And we just have to learn to surrender to that which is unexpected because we never know where or when they will come from again. In gratitude for a day of surrender and abandon. For being in the moment. For treasuring what we have.

A life lesson from writing

Sometimes I think so hard about what I should write about rather than writing about what comes to my head. Sometimes I start out with one thought only for it to develop into something completely different from where I thought I was going.

And then I realise more than anything that writing correlates life. Sometimes the best laid plans turn out to be the worst thing we could have ever done. Sometimes planning too much, thinking too much, blocks us from seeing what is right in front of us. From experiencing the joy in the moment because we are so focused on achieving that we don’t even see the beauty ever present in our lives.

I have never been a planner. Never set goals or objectives for myself because all my life I have ended up in positions better than I ever envisioned for myself. No one expected anything from me when I was young. No one had plans for me. So I never knew I was supposed to plan anything or project where I wanted to be.

The only thing I ever thought I wanted to be was the first woman Premier of Bermuda because I grew up in the era when Dame Lois Browne Evans dominated the television screen and newspapers as this very powerful woman. And I remember people saying she could the first woman Premier. I didn’t even know what it meant then. But it sounded really important. And I remember thinking there was no way she was going to be the first woman Premier because I was going to be.

Fast forward some 30 something years later and I did not become the first woman Premier. Have never entered politics and don’t really have any plans to in the future. So what I know is no matter how we plan we have to leave ourselves open to walk a different path from the one we thought we should be going down. Be willing to change direction and adjust to our changing personalities, feelings and desires.

I think it is better to accept that sometimes when we don’t get what we want it is often the best thing that could have happened to us. Sometimes not getting what we want allows us to learn a lot more about who we are and what we want. And don’t want.

So here I go writing about nothing as if I am the Seinfeld of the writing world. Writing about nothing in particular but touching a chord in my soul. Because sometimes out of nothing, everything happens because we are more open to information when we are least expecting it.

Just like I have just completed this blog, not knowing where I was going or what I was going to write about but just letting my thoughts flow until they came together to form this blog. A reminder that sometimes we just have to get started. Without a plan. Without any direction. Just faith. And then  we will discover we end up exactly where we are meant to be.

Doubt helps us to gain wisdom

“Without realising it those who find themselves in doubt are making progress on the path of wisdom.” The Golden Mirror

I have been having a lot of doubts lately about where I am in my life and what path I am meant to take. Wondering if I am on the path I am meant to be on. Looking at ones that meander by me tempting me to go down. Temptations all around. But then I look at my children. My family. And I think I am doing the best I can. My life. My dreams have to come second to theirs because I had my time to do what I wanted before they arrived and this is the path I chose. To become a mother, To nourish. To care. To look out for.

But still there is something deep inside me that is creating doubt about some of the choices I have made and choices I have yet to make. Doubt creeping in about whether I am taking the easy route out. Whether I am using my children, my family as an excuse to stay where I am.

And then I came across this quote yesterday and it said without realising it those who find themselves in doubt are making progress on the path of wisdom.  Reading this quote felt like a light bulb went off in my head, jogging my memory, making me remember that doubt is that which causes us to explore. To delve deeper. To not accept things at face value. To try to find the deeper meaning of the circumstances and situations we find ourselves in. Doubt causes us to question. To search. To seek.

Without doubt our lives would be stagnant. We would be incapable of growing more because doubt is the itchy feeling we get when we know there is more and we are capable of more. There are lots of people exploring this same feeling. I have spoken to many who are feeling like there is something more. They are experiencing the same doubts that I am. And it’s because, unlike the generations before us, we are not content to be content. We want more. We crave more. And it is doubt that is driving us.

But the drive is not a negative thing if we are striving to find meaning in our lives. Seeking the bigger picture. Our place in this journey called life.

What I and all of us have to remember is doubt is healthy even when irritating because it is awakening us to our soul’s desires.  Remembering always, “without realising it those who find themselves in doubt are making progress on the path of wisdom.”

The lesson in the beauty of a palm tree

There is nothing more beautiful than standing back and watching a tree.  Particularly a coconut or spindly palm tree bending and flexing in the breeze. Watching the leaves dancing in the wind. Shaking it off and welcoming it back again.

The long spindly trunks deceiving us with their helpless looks. Only to see them buffeting the wind. Standing firm and strong against it.

Palm trees are some of the most beautiful yet resilient trees in the world. Whenever I look at one I feel a sense of peace come over me because they always conjure up thoughts of being in utopia. Paradise - a place of escape. And yet they can withstand the harshest of storms. The strongest of tsunamis.

This photograph I took reminds me of how fortunate I am to live in a place full of palm trees, blue skies and puffy white clouds. A place where we get more sun than rain. A place where the colours of the rainbow can be seen in most every place we turn. A place surrounded by turquoise seas.

This is my reminder today to breathe. To inhale. To appreciate. To go with the flow. To be in the flow. To look at this picture and imagine myself in those trees. A part of those trees. Listening to the stories they could tell of all they have seen, endured and heard. Of all that has come and gone. But still they stand. Growing toward the sun for nourishment.  

Let’s all use this photo today when we feel we can endure no more. When we feel we are being stretched beyond what we thought we were capable of being stretched to. Look at this picture and see how small we really are in this thing called life. How things that were here before us will be here after us. Forcing us to question whether whatever is causing us aggravation at the moment worth it?

I should think not because in the grand scheme of things life is too short to worry about things we cannot change when we should be glorying in the beauty of the trees.

Sometimes the darkness helps us to see the light

Lately my energy levels have been off. Like I don’t know where to put myself. Or what I am feeling. I believe it still has something to do with the fact that I am having difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. It’s so dark with this time change that all I want to do is stay in bed.

The darkness feels oppressive. Heavy. Making me feel vulnerable and somewhat nervous about what lies ahead. I know I write about staying in the moment. Not projecting. But the reason why I write these things is because I am trying to remind myself. To pull myself back to present moment living.

I read something very interesting the other day. There is no such thing as the present because it is gone before we can speak it. Instead of me feeling better I felt overwhelmed. If there is no such thing as the present moment then how am I supposed to live it? Frustrating is this journey called life.

This morning was particularly hard for me to get up despite being wide awake at 5 am listening to the rooster making as much noise as his lungs would allow. I just could not motivate myself to get out of bed. I watched the minutes ticking by on the clock. The redness of the digits slipping by. But still I could not make myself get out of bed.

Then when I did, all the routines I normally do were turned upside down. My morning meditation DVD jammed and shut my computer down. Knocking me off even more. It was right at the part where I start to feel peace and then my computer made a funny noise and the screen went black and shut down. Further jarring my nerves.

There is so much change going on around me at the moment. So much outside of my control that I feel like I am a ship without a sail. Floating aimlessly. Trying to find my way. I decided to put my feelings down today. To put them out there so the universe can hear my inner turmoil and conflict. And I’m glad I did because already I can feel some pressure releasing. Some of the fear seeping out of me.

My typing is slowing down as I can feel something positive starting to flow through me. Something telling me to hang in there. Not to worry that soon this darkness will give way to the light. That soon I will understand all the change that is happening around me and to me. That I cannot control everything because that’s not what life is all about. That change is the only constant in life. And I can do nothing to stop it. All I can change is the way I react to it.

I just wish these dark mornings will hurry up and end. And here’s the certainty, they will. I just have to be patient with them and with my life.

Amazingly after I write this down, I heard this song by Snatam Kaur, “I am the light, light, light  of my soul. I am beautiful. I am bountiful. I am bliss. I am. I am.”  Letting me know that once we ask for help from the Universe, truly ask,  it sends us what we need. Reminding me only I am the light of my soul.

Where there is a will, there is a way

Have you ever seen a tree root miraculously find its way down a bank or even a rock face? Sending out seekers to find the earth. A place for it to root so it can nourish itself and grow. Despite the obstacles. Despite what looks like the impossible. A sure death because it has been choked of life. But it doesn’t give up. It perseveres until it finds the ground and roots itself. Sending signals to the rest of the roots on how to splinter off and find the ground too. And it does.  And they do. And before you know it, you have a  majestic strong tree growing out of an impossible place. Over a bank. Over a rock face. Refusing to give up. Redefining its reality. Defying death. Rebuilding itself. Adapting to its environment. Rooting, Earthing, Growing. Mighty and strong. Defying the odds.

I saw this very thing the other day on my family walk and marvelled at the site before my eyes. Captivated by this tree for turning the impossible into the possible. Redefining its existence such that it not only survived but thrived. Stronger than before because it had changed its way of being. Covering the rock face in its strong and lengthy roots. Coming over the face of the rock by at least 10 feet. Rooting itself into the sand below.

I stood and looked at this tree for the longest time. My husband and I wondering how it could be. Trying to find the right angle to capture this wonder of nature. But there was no angle that did this tree any justice. But I took the picture anyway. To remind myself that if this tree could adapt itself to the harsh and hostile environment it originally found itself in but did not give up, so could I. So could we.  Seeing how it had redefined itself so that it could thrive. Reminding me there is nothing that can hurt me unless I allow it to. Nothing that can stop me unless I allow it. Nothing that is impossible unless I believe it to be.

Just like this tree adapted and did not die so can I. So can you. So can we all. As long as we have the willpower and foresight to find a place to root we will always flourish. This tree, the epitome of adapt or die, provided me with an invaluable lesson I won’t forget. Where there is a will, there is a way.

The joy of old fashioned family time

    

Yesterday we went out as a family and walked along the old railroad trail starting from Somerset Bridge and ended up at Sound View Road in Somerset. The children rode their bikes while we strolled. Stopping along the way to take in the beauty of the Island Bermuda, we call home.

The air was perfect. The ocean crystal clear and still. Allowing us to see right to the bottom. The flowers beautiful. Lizards crawling on flowers. Nature at its best. My children laughing and racing each other. My husband and I holding hands. Pure joy running through us all. Encountering other people enjoying the tranquillity of the day as well. Each person exhibiting the same joy as we were experiencing. Out in the fresh air. Away from computers, televisions. Cell phone packed away. Just walking, riding bicycles, running. Taking in the scenery.

Our children engaging us about topics they may not have otherwise done so if they didn’t feel so free. Watching them exploring the rocks  after we walked down a set of stairs that looked like they would take us right down into the sea. Hearing the excitement in my children voices as they climbed over the rocks. Taking me back to the days when they were a lot younger and exploring was all they wanted to do. Looking out over the ocean and feeling like that little girl again who often looked out over the ocean wondering what people on the other side were doing. Knowing now because of how interconnected we are all from all parts of the world because of social media that some were enduring hardships while others were enjoying the day as we were.

Our walk ending with pure joy. Stopping to see my dad. Seeing the life come back into his eyes when he came outside, sat in the sun and watched his grandchildren riding round his yard on their bikes. My younger brother coming home and sitting with us. Calling my older brother in Tennessee to wish him a happy birthday. Watching my dad’s pride spread across his face as he chatted with my brother from Tennessee. Extended family time together. Not planned. Just happened.

Taking the children to the ice cream parlour on our way home. A good old fashioned treat that never goes out of style. Ending the day with my son saying to me as I was saying good night to him. “Thank you mommy for organising today. It was fun with us all being together. I love you.”

Bending down and kissing my son good night. My heart swelling with pride, love and joy knowing it really is the simple things our children want in life. Love. Security. Family time and good old fashioned quality time. It’s times like those I will always treasure.  Simple unexpected moments.

I thanked my son. Telling him thank you for thanking me and for enjoying our day. Telling him I loved him too.  Inhaling his freshly washed hair. Grateful that I have a teenager who still wants to be with his family. Enjoying the time while he does. Going to bed last night with a full heart. And grateful spirit.

Spring has definitely sprung

Sunday. My favourite day. And it is one of those days heaven sent from above. Perfect temperature. Low humidity. Crisp air. Vivid colours. Flowers vibrant. Trees standing tall and erect. Leaves fluttering in the gentle breeze. Birds chirping. Even that wretched rooster that has been cock a doodling all night long and still is, can’t spoil the ambiance and tranquillity of today.

These days are sent to us to remind us of how truly blessed we are. To remind us to inhale the beauty that surrounds us every day for free. To remind us that after every storm there is peace and beauty.

I love days like this because I forget about all the troubles I may be experiencing. I escape into the magic of the day. Surround myself with all that is beautiful. Sit in the sun and inhale and exhale. Wrap myself in positive thoughts and feel the lightness that is always accessible deep down in my soul. I feel so light and not only believe but know that there is magic all around me at all times.

Short and sweet today because I am going to enjoy this day to the max with my family. Reminding them as well as myself that no matter how bad we think it is, days like these will always come around. Rewarding us for the trials we experience. Blessing us with the power of the universe from its softer feminine side. Reminding us of all we have at all times but we just don’t see it. Until days like today.

May you enjoy this day as well. Full of peace, love and happiness. I woke up this morning feeling rejuvenated, happy, and at peace even before I saw the beauty of the day. Once I saw the beauty of today, I was reminded  I am a part of the Universe, interconnected in ways I don’t even understand. Because before my body and mind knew what the day looked like, my soul already knew. So I am going to show my gratitude today by being out this glorious day with my family. All worries and fears cast aside. Surrendering to the love in the air.
And I wish the same for you too. As my daughter said this morning, “Mommy, Spring has definitely sprung.”
Amen and there is magic in the air...

Life has a practice of living you, if you don't live it

“Life has a practice of living you, if you don't live it.” Larkin

After reading this quote a few days ago, I bumped into someone at work that same morning who said life was beating her down. I recited this quote to her realising it was resonating more with me than I imagined.

It was like she was my angel that day to mirror what I was feeling inside. To show me exactly how I was feeling and thinking way deep down in my soul. I gave her my usual pep talk about how we have to live life to the fullest because we only have one shot at this thing called life.  This time my words were awakening something in me. They were touching something deep within my core. Leaving me questioning what I was feeling.

I thought about what I had said to her all day long. Feeling like I was the one who needed to take life by the horns and ride it like a bull but somehow didn't know how. Feeling conflicted about whether I should be going with the flow or resisting it. Wondering what this going with the flow thing really means. Questioning whether it was just an excuse to do nothing.

I went home that night and looked for the quote but could not find it. Then several things happened to me after that making me realise how true this quote really is. Every single thing I wanted to happen after I saw that quote happened.

I asked the Universe to help us to sell our car then released it. No thoughts. No worrying. It sold the next day. I asked the teachers to excuse us from the Teacher conference because it was my son's birthday and they all did. Then this morning I woke up thinking about a problem I am experiencing about leadership and direction when I found a quote that basically said if leadership is not right then change it.

Once I found that quote and released all the doubts I have been experiencing about certain aspects of my life, this morning I opened Twitter and there for me to experience again was the quote by Larkin that said, "Life has a practice of living you, if you don't live it."

And I understood what it was trying to say to me from the morning I read it. It came back to me once I saw that life is all about putting our best foot forward, projecting our true desires to the Universe, releasing them to the Universe, having faith that the Universe will deliver our true needs and going forth and living each day of our lives with abundance, love, light and peace. Only when we can truly trust in the Universe do we begin to live our lives without life living us.

As if to affirm I am on the right path, the very woman, the angel that set me on this journey in the first place walked in front of my path this morning. I have never seen her outside of work before. Yet she was sent to me again today as my angel and she doesn't even know how much of an impact she has had on my life. Proving the Universe always provides us with what we are truly seeking if we open ourselves to its message. And we are not conflicted with what we truly want.

Here's to staying in the flow once we know and understand what our flow really is and going forth with this journey and gift called life. Living it and not it living us.

A day full of love

Yesterday was a day for of love. A day of celebration for my son turning 13. A day when my family’s hearts were open to the Universe allowing unobstructed love to guide us through the day.

It began with me getting up extra early to prepare my son the chocolate chip pancakes and vegetarian sausages he wanted for breakfast. Only to have my eight year old daughter up with me so excited about her brother’s 13^th birthday as if it were her own. Excited about the card she had made for her brother with love. The banner she had made. She couldn’t wait for his day to begin.

Our household waking up wishing our boy man a happy birthday. Watching as he read his cards and opened his gifts. Having a family hug. The birthday wishes from friends and family near and far. Leaving home with our hearts full of joy. Driving into to school and work and hearing the Captain from Mix 106 making a fuss over my son while reading out our birthday request for him. Listening to his favourite song, Paradise by Coldplay played on the radio just for him. Looking back in the mirror to see him swelling with pride. Feeling special exactly what we wanted for him as he starts his teenage years. Warming my heart watching him feeling loved and special.

Ending with a family dinner where I read my son the blog I had written in his honour. Seeing his chest  swell some more. Him thanking me for making his day special. Portofino Restaurant making a fuss over him singing him happy birthday and bringing over a complementary dessert. Ending my son’s 13^th birthday on a high.

As he went to sleep last night, he gave me an extra hug. Thanked me for helping him to have a really great day. Those are the moments I want to hold onto forever. Cherish. Not let go. I know my son is making his journey away from me every single day now. His teenage years reminding me of how much closer he is to leaving than staying.

Thirteen the age my life changed forever when my mother died only one month after my thirteenth birthday. Leaving me alone. Afraid. Feeling guilty. A girl woman. With no hope or dreams. I didn’t want that feeling for my son. It was important for me to make his day special because I want him to remember his thirteenth birthday as a birthday of love so no matter what happens now he will know he is loved. He is special. And hope and pray he does not experience the devastating tragedy I did when I was his age. But if he does he will know in his heart the depth of my love for him. And the depth of the love of his dad and sister. That he is special.

Yesterday was a day full of love, family and togetherness. The perfect way for my son to enter his imperfect teenage years full of love, wonder and peace. And knowing he is special.

In gratitude to my son straddling boyhood and manhood

March 15 1999. Thirteen years ago my life changed forever. For the better I must add. My beautiful son came into my life. Fifteen days early. Then decided to turn back around. So I had to have an emergency C-section to get him to come out into the world. I came out of my daze once I heard him cry. They brought him up to me so I could see his face. We looked at each other. His eyes wide open.  Violet eyes. Intense. Looking right at me and through me.  And then they took him. I collapsed back into my state of Neverland. My husband bonding with him first while I recovered.

Some hours later, I pulled out the medicines that were making me drowsy. Demanding to have my baby with me. I could hear his lonely cries. I could feel his cries. They told me I should rest. I told them I wanted my son. They brought him to me. Once again our eyes locked. He settled into my arms. Then all the bravado I had for wanting my son vanished as I looked down at his head full of dark swirls of hair and the enormity of becoming a mother hit me. I was terrified. I realised all at once that I had no idea what being a mother meant.

I thought about the dream my husband had had about our son before we knew we were having a son. An old soul he said when he woke up. A dark star that has been waiting a long time to come back. I felt his dream when I looked into the violet eyes of my son. I knew he was an old soul. I was afraid I would not know what to do with him. He seemed wizened beyond his age from the moment he came out.

Fast forward thirteen years through six months of a baby projectile vomiting forcing me to make the decision to be at home with my son. Not going back to work. Knowing I had to raise him in his formative years. Prepare him for his future and throwing up was his way of letting me know he needed me. Allowing me to take several years to reacquaint myself with me while blossoming into a nurturing mother. Replacing the fear with love and abundance and nature.

Through three broken arms. A broken finger. Allergies. And allergy related asthma. Through magic camps. Archery. Swimming. Boy’s Brigade. Rock Climbing. Fencing. Tennis. Little League baseball. Animation. Computer crazy sometimes. Hurt feelings. Rejection. Acceptance. Through those discerning looks. Through good grades and sometimes, but not often, bad grades in school. I look at my son and I am proud. Proud of my son straddling boyhood and manhood now as he enters his teen years. Proud of who he is – compassionate, loving, caring, empathetic, kind, challenging, giving, annoying, forgiving. Proud of who he is becoming. Because he is everything I imagined he would be and more.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful son, on the inside and outside. May your teenage years bring you the joy you deserve. May you be strong enough to withstand the temptations that will try to pull you into the darkness and keep you there. May you always know there is not only light at the end of the tunnel, the light is always there if you believe and seek. May you know you are loved because you are love. May you continue to grow and experience and not be afraid to fall because falling helps you to see you have the strength and endurance to start all over again. Stronger. Better. Empathetic. Compassionate.

To my son. My teacher. My student. My first born. May you always know and find love, light, peace and your way, whichever way suits you. As you came into the world on your own terms – ready early to come then changed your mind. Coming on the Ides of March as Caesar came into the world, remember you are meant to be special. Born on the same day as your paternal grandmother giving her a gift always on her birthday. Know you are a gift to yourself, to your family,  and to the world.

Happy thirteenth birthday son. With love, gratitude and joy. Your mother now and forevermore.

Paranoia interrupts my sleep

Last night I decided to go to bed early because I wanted to try to make up for the hour I have lost. My body is exhausted and I felt like I needed some catch up rest time. So by 10.30 I was fast asleep only to be woken at 3am by my motion light going off (as it sometimes does when the wind hits it). But because of my intruder last week, I was suspicious. So I got out of bed. Looked out the window. Saw nothing. Walked to the other side of the house to see if those motion lights were on. And they weren’t to my relief. I went back to bed.

But with every little sound I heard, my eyes flew open. This went on for quite some time with me thinking there was someone trying to get in again. At one point I thought I heard a thud on the ground, my whole body tensed. Hot flashes rushed through me. Then I thought I saw a light flashing on like someone had a flashlight. I almost stopped breathing then. Worrying if someone was in the house they would get to my son first. Grateful that my daughter was right beside me. Wondering what I should do. Wake up my husband or just wait. I waited.

Realising I was being a little paranoid; I said a silent prayer asking for protection from intruders for me, my family and my home. I could feel the paranoia seeping out of my body after I repeated the prayer. I felt my body relax. My mind stopped racing and the hot flashes ceased. I looked at the clock and it was 4.33. I was angry then because it was almost time for me to wake up and I had just wasted the last hour and a half working myself up into a frenzy over nothing.

I closed my eyes finally and went to sleep. Overslept. Got up at 5.55 feeling groggier than before. Knowing I have to release my fears about my intruder. I cannot give him power over me. I must surrender to the background paranoia I am feeling. The vulnerability that is attacking me and change my mindset because if I don’t I will attract him back into my life.

That’s why I chose to write about my experience last night, to bring it to the forefront so I can acknowledge how I am feeling and release it to the Universe so I can go back to being able to sleep again. Interestingly my quote for today is “I am always safe no matter which “doorway” I pass through.” This will be my mantra to remind me I am safe as long as I believe I am and so is my family as long as I believe they are. 

Beauty just is

Take a look at the wild Bougainvillea bush I photographed this weekend while my daughter was horse riding. I couldn't help but feel giddy from the sheer natural beauty of the bush pulling me in asking me to photograph it. Reminding me its beauty is not created, but there for all to enjoy and take in.

After taking this photograph, I read this quote, "Beauty is not caused. It just is." Emily Dickinson

This statement is simple yet beautiful. Profound yet true. Not fancy but enough. Sometimes it’s in the simplicity that complexity is best understood.

 How often do we try to define beauty only to find it is not enough? This quote reminded me that beauty is not of us, it is us. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and is often a reflection of what we are feeling inside. Look at the dew on this rose waking up in the morning. Pure and free. Beauty undefined yet there. It just is.

 I walked amongst the freesias in my garden and inhaled their scent feeling like a little girl again. Like I could spread my wings and fly. Expecting little flower fairies to fly up out of the freesias. I'm sharing them with you today hopefully you will feel their magic just by seeing them. 

Drink in these beautiful photos and think of the natural beauty that surrounds us every single day. Inhale deeply and you will feel the beauty deep within you naturally bubble to the surface. Causing your whole body to tingle and feel alive. Changing your attitude from dark to light. Inviting in positive energy. Opening you to possibility.

Sometimes there is no need to explain. No need to understand. No need to question. Particularly when we take the time to appreciate the flowers that show us beauty every day reminding us that beauty is not caused it just is.

Have a magical and fragrant day as you remember to look at the faces of the flowers you normally would have taken for granted and feel their energy transform yours. Namaste

What a difference a year can make

One year ago yesterday was when I was told my job would be shutting down. Not in a year’s time. Not in a month’s time. But in two weeks.

I remember feeling like the sound had been cut off around me. I remember feeling like the wind had been knocked out of my sails. I remember thinking about all the people that had joined the organisation in part because of me. I remember feeling incredibly sad and afraid. I remember hanging up the telephone from my boss after being told I was not to tell anyone what he had just told me because no one was supposed to know, looking up at the ceiling and finding it hard to breathe.

I picked up my bags flung my office door open. Shouting good night and have a great weekend to everyone then turning to walk out. I could see the look of shock on the face of my Assistant because I was leaving before 5. I could not look her in the eye when she asked if everything was okay. I just needed to get out of there so I could breathe.

I remember driving home in a daze. No words could express the pain and humiliation I felt as I drove. The drive feeling like it took an eternity. I remember driving shakily into my drive. My husband standing outside. I remember collapsing into his arms as the tears streamed down my face. My body shaking. The whole world around me seeming dull, grey, cruel. Like the colours had been snuffed out. Like the air had become oppressive.

Telling him between sobs what I had just been told. Letting the pain flow out of me into him. Seeing the mask come over his eyes. Knowing this was the easy part. Knowing that on the Monday 16 people would be told their lives were about to change through no fault of their own except  the choice they had made to work for the company.

I remember pulling myself together. Fear replaced with anger. Waves of guilt. Waves of fear. Waves of anger. Waves of disbelief. Going into auto pilot trying to find a solution a way out of the mess. But I couldn’t I was too fragile.

That was a year ago yesterday and though I thought my world was shattered. My dreams destroyed. My pride wounded. I am still standing. Stronger than before. Open to the Universe now. Grateful for the experience I had with the people I did because I learnt so much about life from them and the experience of being publicly humiliated and rejected. And the simple truth that I know as Whitney said but I embrace, “I wasn’t built to break.”

Daylight saving a thing of the past?

Our lives are constantly in a state of hurrying along as it is. Instant messaging. BB messaging. Facebook. Twitter. Information overload. We need time to sleep. To rejuvenate. Lighten our load. But yet we still have daylight savings where we lose an hour in the day in the spring and gain an hour in the day in the fall.

Losing that hour has become harder and harder for me to accept as I age. I need all the time I can get in a day without losing any second or minute for that matter - let alone an hour! At least that’s what I tell myself. Excuses are sometimes easier than accepting the reality of my human imperfections.

I think we should leave well enough alone. Let time do what it is meant to do, not adjust it for some antiquated system that no longer serves a purpose in our daily lives. Except upset our balance. Make us groggy. Tired. Grumpy. We are already a sleep deprived people. Trying to do as much and sometimes more than we are capable of doing. Because we have placed ourselves on these unnecessary treadmills. Trying to respond immediately. Trying to be everything to all people. Trying to be superhuman. Pushing. Driving. Exhausted. Frustrated. No quality. Just quantity.

So this morning I stayed in bed for that extra hour giving myself permission to sleep in to enjoy my family with me. The comfort and safety of my home before having to face the rush of the new day with one less hour!  Even thinking about it makes me tired but there is nothing I can do about it, it’s there. For reasons I don’t understand. Times have changed. People have changed. Losing an hour can be disruptive rather than beneficial to this modern generation who operates at full speed without taking a break.

But this hour change thing is part of a bigger dynamic than me. Than us. And it is outside my control so I have to let it go and go with the flow.  Even if my flow has one less hour. What I have to tell myself today as Eckhart Tolle says, "Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be.” So I guess I never had the extra hour to lose anyway. It is just an illusion. An excuse to justify my inadequacies or should I say human fallacies. Adjusting my mindset is all I can do and go with the flow because it never stops and never loses time.

Are you an observer or Visionary?

This beautiful and profound quote resonated so deeply with me. It reminded me why it is necessary for us to accept we can always find someone or something to support the way we feel. It is just up to us to decide how we want to feel and what we want to project. The quote is:

 “Those who are mostly observers thrive in good times but suffer in bad times because what they are observing is already vibrating, and as they observe it they include it in their vibrational countenance; and as they include it, the Universe accepts that as their point of attraction – and gives them more of the essence of it. So, for an observer, the better it gets, the better it gets; or the worse it gets, the worse it gets. However, one who is a visionary thrives in all times.” Esther and Jerry Hicks

This quote is reminding us that life is as good as we make it. We attract what we project.

And then I read a blog from Positively Positive that asked a very simple question and I linked it back to my thoughts about changing our perspectives. The question was, “What can I do differently to make this better?” Ask yourself this question the next time you are feeling overwhelmed and instantly you will feel hope, positive even because when you do, you realise it is up to you alone to shift your way of thinking.

Life is exactly what we make it based on the choices we make, based on what we project, based on what we truly believe about ourselves and our capabilities. Once we accept we are the masters of our universe we understand we are pretty powerful beings because only we can shift our consciousness and in doing so we can start shifting the way our world. And we can do so by deciding whether we are observers or visionaries.

Our lives are shaped by how we answer the question, “What can I do differently to make this better?” Am I an observer? Or am I a Visionary?

In gratitude for this new day

Thanks everyone for your support yesterday with regard to my intruder. It was a terrifying experience but also a sign of the times we are in. There are many people that are doing without. The economy is at an all time low and many people are at their all time lows. And unfortunately when that happens they feel they have nothing to lose so they do things that they would not normally do. They take from others because they feel they have been taken from.

Some people resort to desperate measures to get what they need. Some people are taking advantage of this downward spiral and are jumping on the bandwagon of thievery and intimidation even when they don’t need to. They are trying to find power and the only way they know how is to try to take the power away from others. Rather than recognising power comes from within and it is always at their disposal.

In hindsight my reaction yesterday to my intruder was not the best reaction. It is always easy to go  back after the fact and reprimand ourselves for the actions we have taken. To judge. Rather than embracing the feelings I experienced and learning from them for the next time. At the time I was angry that this intruder had violated my family’s space and I wanted him to know it. What ended up happening was that I did not frighten him, I ended up frightening my daughter who is now looking over her shoulder for everything. We have spoken to her to reassure her we actually are very lucky that none of us was hurt and our house was not invaded. And we are hugging her that much more.

My husband and I are more diligent about checking the house before we go to bed to try to secure us as much as we can from any intruders. But the lesson we have taken away from this is no matter how bad the situation you find yourself in may seem, there is always something to be grateful for. Our gratitude yesterday came from knowing we were safe. From knowing we are still living a fairly good lifestyle and we can still provide for our family without having to resort to desperate measures at the expense of others.

It’s a new day today. A beautiful new day. And for this I am truly grateful.

An intruder rattles my morning

This morning I decided to sleep in. I decided to forego my normal wake up time of 5.15 to just lie in bed. I couldn’t understand why. I wanted to get up but my body refused to budge.

And then at 5.45 am I understood why. I heard footsteps down the side of my house. Walk past my bedroom. Slowly without hurry and not in the least bit worried. I sat up looked to my side to see if my husband had woken up early and was walking around the house as he likes to do.  But he was sound asleep. Strange I thought.  I thought maybe I was dreaming. But the footsteps continued so I got out of bed. As I was walking to the window the motion lights came on so I hurried to the the window. Feeling  the adrenalin kick in. Heart racing. Terrified. Hoping I was dreaming. Wishing I was.

And then I saw him. Tall. Back to me. Maroon and black jacket. Instincts took over. I wanted him to stop. To know I had seen him. That he had not escaped. I banged on the window trying to get him to turn just before he disappeared behind my hibiscus hedge. Obviously a professional, he didn’t turn. He never even flinched. I woke my husband and daughter up because I banged so hard on the window. Scaring them not the one I had intended. The intruder who just walked away.

And then a car slowly drove out. An SUV. I thought it was my neighbour possibly woken by the same intruder. My husband called them to tell them what had happened but woke up the husband. 45 minutes later the wife drove back in and said her son had seen someone as well when they were leaving. But she didn’t think anything of it. The coincidences strange. Paths intersecting at the same time without realising why.

We called the police then but they said it was too late. There was nothing they could do. Strange feeling to know there was someone so close to my family. To my home. I feel like my privacy and space has been violated. But grateful at the same time that we are all safe and well.

My quote today interestingly enough says, “In this moment, all is well and I am safe.” And that’s what I have to believe now. Not hold on to the fear I felt. Not stop living because of an intruder but be mindful of my surroundings to make sure I continue to be safe. And not think about the what ifs because nothing happened. A wake up call is all I have to chalk this experience up as being.

Now I need to get on with my normal routines again. Putting this intruder out of my thoughts and moving on. Accepting that was the past and “in this moment all is well and I am safe.” 

We are the story

There is a story in everything we do. Everyday life. Every day experience.  Our lives are all stories. Our recollection of what we have seen, done, heard. Every person and everything we encounter is a character in our stories. Everything we see sets the scene for our story.

Through writing I have become so much more aware of who I am, of how each encounter I experience brings me closer to my Godself and that’s why I no longer take anyone or anything for granted because I realise each is as equally important as the other. Each is there to inspire me whether in a good or bad way because inspiration just like life is not always fun and fluffy and the way we thought it was going to be. But what we realise when it passes is that we tapped into something much more than we ever thought possible.

Our stories are unfolding every single day. Each experience depending not only on the choices we make but the ones we don’t as well. For some reason the phrase, choose wisely, has been circulating over and over in my brain. Making me question what it means and what choices I’m supposed to be making as well as those choices I’m not.

I know it all boils down to how I want my story to unfold. How the storyteller inside of me is trying to point a portrait of what I want to say, portray, the legacy I want to leave behind.  

We are all storytellers in our own right because each of us is living out our story every single day. Take nothing or no one for granted because they are characters helping us to craft our story along the way. Building who we are. Adding flavour to our lives. Weaving the story of who we are. Why we are. Because we are the story.

Ode to my dad on his 84th birthday

Yesterday was my dad’s (pops as I call him) 84^th birthday. Wow, 84 years on this earth. What does it feel like to be 84?

I sat down to write something about my dad but found it difficult to write how I feel about him. He is a man who taught himself how to read, had to leave school when he was 13 because he had to help his family of numerous siblings and mother to survive.

He taught himself how to be a business man. Never really working for anyone else but himself for the majority of his life. Grew up in a household that did not show much love because that was the era they were in and as such has not known how to show love to us as his children. Not in the traditional sense anyway but in the only way he knew how by providing for us. Bought a home when it was unheard of for a man of his background to have a home. Rented it out for years so that when we moved in he could manage the payments. Did the best he could with the limited resources he had.

Left as a widow at 48 with 4 young children to take care of. Shut himself off from the world for a while when he had one disappointment after the other after my mother’s death.

Do I love my dad? Yes I do. A love that has matured over the years. One that started out as not knowing really who he was because he was the provider not the nurturer before my mother’s death. Then he became the man I had to make sure I had dinner on the table for when he got home from work. An awkward stage of my life where I defied him as much as I could trying to get some feedback from him. Realising now he may have wanted to but didn’t know how to communicate with me. The only girl in a houseful of males. His only daughter. Thinking back he was probably terrified of me. Of what I could become without a mother. Terrified of my siblings as well. Of what they could become without a mother. Terrified of what his life had become. A man without a wife and 4 children.

Watching him age and slowly take on much regret about the decisions he has made in his life. Wishing he could forgive himself for the choices he made. Wishing he could accept we forgive him for the choices he made in his life. Wishing I could get into his head a bit more to understand him. Accepting that’s just the way he is and there is nothing I can do but be there for him every time he calls. Every time he needs me. Because above all I know as a parent and as an aging person that we do the best we can with the resources we have. Some better than others but at our core we are who we are and no one can change that.

So  as a belated gift to my pops for his birthday I want him to know publicly I do love him and I do appreciate all that he has done to provide for me and my siblings because he has and continues to do the best he can. 

Finding my joy even when I thought I had none

Late yesterday afternoon I dragged myself out of bed trying to rejuvenate myself and shake this cold. I showered for a long time. As hot as I could take it. Trying to steam out my sinuses.  As I stepped out of the lovely hot shower there sitting on top of my children’s trampoline was a beautiful blue bird. His back was to me but to see him gave me such inspiration and hope I immediately started to smile.

I was so relieved to see that bluebird. I stood watching him for the longest time. Watching his feathers fluttering in the wind but he was unfazed by it at all. His brilliant blue a contrast against the silver trampoline poles. His posture indicating strength, pride, endurance.

Bluebirds have been scarce of late in our yard because feral chickens have taken over our yard. We were worried we had lost our bluebirds forever because my son’s Boy’s Brigade instructor told him where there are feral chickens there are no bluebirds – the two don’t mix.

I felt as if that bluebird had perched itself outside of my bathroom window just to give me strength. I felt so inspired I got dressed and sat out on my porch to feel the sun on my face hoping my energy would be restored. I looked around at the natural beauty that surrounds me every day. Changing slightly according to the season and day.  I inhaled deeply.

I looked at the freesias covering the ground underneath my now bare Poinciana tree. The expanse of green grass. A starling that has made his nest inside a hole in the Poinciana tree flying in and out.  Feeling the wind blowing through the porch. I looked around my porch at the Buddha adding serenity to the setting. My Indonesian face mask taken down because of the high winds lying on the table. The beautiful perfect roses my family gave to me for Valentine’s Day blooming majestically, holding their own despite the wind.

Still feeling lousy I expressed my gratitude to the Universe for slowing me down, giving me the opportunity to rest, to sit, to take in all that I have right in front of me. Reminding me of all that I have and then I exhaled. Still feeling bad physically but enriched spiritually  for the reminders I had that no matter how bad we may feel there is always a part of us that can feel joy. Reminding me nothing or no one can bring us joy because we are joy.

Thank you my bluebird for helping me to tap into my joy even when I thought I had none.

Surrendering to my weakened immune system

I’m feeling a bit rough today. Head is heavy. Throat is sore and overall I am feeling very groggy. No energy. Eyes heavy. And my whole body is telling me to rest. To get my energy back. To clear this cold that threatening to consume me.

I have been fighting it off and on for the last few weeks . My daughter brought it home from school. Passed it to my son then to my husband. I thought I was clear of it but it looks like it is finally getting to me. For those of you out there with children you know what I am talking about when I say school is the breeding ground for disease. Nasty horrible bugs incubate there waiting to take on their next prey.

 I have been going nonstop for quite some time now. Living off about 5 hours of sleep a night particularly during the work week. Running my system down. Weakening my immune system. Now it is all catching up with me.

I can barely hold my head up but I came to my desk to look out the window. To see my happy Buddha. To take in the sunshine flowing thorough my windows. To write. Hoping somehow these things would magically clear my head. They have a little because I am a writing junky but not enough for me to say I feel fantastic.

So everyone I am going to listen to my body today and I am going to rest it. Build myself back up so I can face whatever comes my way next week. But for now I am going to surrender to the moment of this illness that is invading my body.

Back to bed I go. Listening to my body. Following my instincts. Remaining in the moment. Something I hope you will do today too. We only have the moment we are in, nothing more, nothing less. Listen to your inner compass. The cues it sends and follow them. Trust me you’ll feel a whole lot better when you do.

Happy Sunday and I’ll be open to receiving all the positive energy you can send me to get through this bug. Off to bed I go.

Thunderstorm necessary force of nature and us

Yesterday morning, I was just about to get out of bed to do my normal routines including writing my blog when lightning flashed fiercely through my window and thunder rattled my home. As many of you know, I am terrified of thunderstorms. Instantly I broke out in a sweat, pulled the covers over my head. Despite it being hot, sticky and humid. And lay shaking in my bed.

Flinching with every flash of lightning. Wincing with every crack of thunder. The storm got progressively worse rather than better. I moved over to hug my husband. Needing his reassurance because  I was so terrified.

As fear threatened to consume me, I  questioned why I had such fear when I have been writing about how interconnected everyone and everything is. How we are all one.  Including being a part of nature. A calmness ran through me as a I realised the thunderstorm was just as important and beautiful and necessary as a bright sunny day. Nature has a way of correcting the atmosphere when it becomes too heavy. And it is through the release of thunderstorms that it is able to bring back the balance necessary to bring back calmness.

My whole body relaxed and I watched the flashes darting through my window. I listened to the rolling thunder. I released the fear of what could be. Let go of the worry that my home could be hit. Said a silent prayer to the Universe to protect me, my family and my home from the dangers of the storm. Then surrendered to the moment. To accepting that what was meant to be would be.  To knowing that the thunderstorm was out of my control and there was nothing I could do to change what it was because it was being sent by a force much greater than me.

My daughter than woke up terrified by the storm and I was able to comfort her having surrendered to it. My husband, daughter and I lay in bed talking about what thunderstorms really are. My daughter having just learnt about them in school telling us, “Lightning is a big electric spark that causes the air to heat up and expand which causes the air to pop and that is what causes thunder.”

A peace came over the three of us as we accepted that what we were experiencing was nature correcting itself. Getting rid of its problems so that once again there would be peace. Soon the storm passed. Later than I had hoped. Throwing my routines off. With me having to chose which ones I had to give up in order to make up for lost time. But grateful the storm had given me the opportunity to bond with my husband and daughter without rushing out of bed. Forcing me to change my routine a bit. Getting the most important morning chores done and out of the way before I settled down to write my blog.

Proud that I was able to conquer my fear of thunderstorms. Pleased I was able to get all that I needed to get done and still get out of the house on time. Happy to see just how adaptable I really am. All because of the force of nature. Our every present teacher reminding me about the natural order of things. Reminding me that every once in a while we will experience storms both physically and mentally to teach us how to find our natural balance – to find what centres us and brings us peace. And for the thunderstorm yesterday morning I am truly grateful.

Winning means seeing the big picture

“However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.” Winston Churchill

Sometimes we are so hell bent on proving our strategy. Solidifying our position. And when we do, we don’t even see we are destroying all that we have worked for as a result. The motto of my alma mater, The Berkeley Institute, “Respice Finem, Keep the End in View” reminds me all the time to first understand what it is I am trying to achieve before implementing any plans to achieve it.  Enabling me to change and adapt whenever I need to - always keeping my eye on the intended result.  Seeing the big picture.

Strategies are merely guidelines setting the foundation for us to achieve what we want. If we remember it is ultimately the results we want. Not the strategy. Therefore strategy is dynamic not static. Flexible not rigid. Such that when we aren’t seeing the results we want, we need to accept our strategy is flawed. Have the nerve to admit it is flawed. Change it before we find ourselves in a worse position than we were before.

As Kahlil Gibran once said, “Be willing to find a truth rather than saying I have found the truth.”  And not only say it, believe it. Adopt it. Be it. We do not know the answers to it all. We are imperfect beings so we must adapt. Be willing to listen. Be willing to change direction. Be willing to compromise. No man is an island. We do not operate in isolation. Our whole Universe is interconnected. Therefore what one does have a ripple effect on us all.

Sometimes it’s better to get our point across without necessarily having to prove we are right. Sometimes winning means being willing to walk away, acquiesce,  be empathetic. Not aggressive and in your face. Always winning means treating others the way we want to be treated. 

And only then will we be able to understand and follow Churchill’s advice, “However beautiful the strategy, we (sic) should occasionally look at the results.”

The delicate balance of our existance

We got an extra day yesterday. And what a glorious day it was. Sun shining bright. No breeze. Low humidity. Perfect.

So what did you do with your extra day? I decided to take a long walk out in the sunshine through the stunning Par La Ville Park. An oasis in the middle of all the hustle and bustle in Hamilton. Because the day was so beautiful, the park was alive with people.  Happy faces. Laughter. Joy filled the air.

In tribute of this glorious day I decided to do some research to find out what this extra day is all about and why we have it. Does it have any significance of us and our daily lives?

Well it turns out the Leap Year is not as straight forward as it seems.

I discovered it takes almost 365 1/4 days (365.242199 days to be exact) for the earth to complete a full rotation around the sun. But our calendar only has 365 days.

If we didn't add a leap year day every four years, we would lose six hours from our calendar every year—that would mean we'd lose 24 days over the course of 100 years.

What’s even more intriguing is there is one exception to the leap year rule involving century years, like the year 1900. Since the year is slightly less than 365.25 days long, adding an extra day every 4 years results in about 3 extra days being added over a period of 400 years. For this reason, only 1 out of every 4 century years is considered as a leap year. Century years are only considered as leap years if they are evenly divisible by 400. Therefore, 1700, 1800, 1900 were not leap years, and 2100 will not be a leap year. But 1600 and 2000 were leap years, because those year numbers are evenly divisible by 400.

Julius Caesar started the Leap Year because he wanted his festival days to fall on certain days so he added days to different months to achieve the result he needed.

It was in 1582 that the Georgian calendar was introduced when they realised they couldn’t just add days because by doing so eventually it threw the whole calendar year off. Upsetting the balance of human existence.

All this to say something we think is as trivial as adding another day to the calendar every four years is so much more complex. The extra day is actually defined by the mystery of the Universe relating to our sun. The force that is integral to our existence. Reminding me just how interconnected everything and everyone is in this Universe. Upsetting one thing can upset the balance. Upsetting our entire means of existence.

The sun was so perfect yesterday. Once every four years if it is divisible by 400 we get this glorious extra day. One more day to find our authentic selves. Another day to discover who we are. 

Thanks Feb 29 for putting pep in my step and allowing me to come alive by forcing me to break away from my usual work routine and get out to feel the sun on my face warming my soul, forcing my creative juices to rise to the surface. Unblocking the roadblocks in my mind and allowing me to see clearly. To think. To explore.  And express to gratitude for the powers of the Universe for helping me to see there is nothing trivial about the delicate balance of our existence.