My mother-in-law teaching me to live with gratitude

Last Sunday we spent the day with my husband’s family. His mother. His older brother and his wife. A lovely lunch in Newcastle and then back to his mother’s house to meet his Aunt and have tea, coffee, desserts and more family time.

It truly was strange to be in the house without my husband’s dad who died in January of this year. Particularly since this was our first trip back since he died. The house feels different. More feminine. More my husband’s mother than it ever was. She seems to have come into her own. Telling us this is the first time in her life she has ever lived on her own. She went straight from her mother’s house to a house shared with her husband who remained her husband for 60 years.Until his death in January. And today, August 16 would have been their 60th wedding anniversary together. Cheers Austin.

She is now 86 years old and is loving her new found independence and wings. She loves waking up when she wants. Going to bed when she wants. Cooking whatever she wants and doing whatever she wants without having to worry about anyone else. She tells us this with a twinkle in her eye. Yet hanging on the wall is the calendar we sent her for 2013 ironically with January showing photos of the door where my husband first lived after he was born. A photo of him, his mother and his father standing in front of the door. A photo of just my husband’s parents and then a photo of all of us standing in front of the door. Ironical because my father-in-law died in January.

We took that photo while visiting England last year when my husband insisted we go to where his life began. He wanted to photograph his parents there rather prophetically I now know. I looked at the spot where my husband’s father always sat and could almost hear his voice. Feel his presence there with us. And as I was thinking this, I looked up and spotted a mirror my mother-in-law has in her beautiful garden and swore I saw the back of my father-in-law’s head in the mirror.

And then when I tried to focus, the image had vanished but not without me feeling his presence and knowing he was glad we had all come back. I then came back into the room fully present with everyone there. Looking from face to face at my husband’s family. At my mother-in-law holding court, the pride on her face with having her two sons at home with her. Her sister. Her grandchildren and felt first-hand how quickly life can change. How quickly we change. How easy it is for us to get too busy to give ourselves the time to do what we want when we want.

And I understood totally what my mother-in-law  is feeling. For much of her life, she has taken care of everyone else that she never had time for herself and now she is finally enjoying being herself at 86 years old. To me her whole persona feels younger, freer, less tense. Letting me know that we really need to allow ourselves to be who we are before it is too late. Before we can’t and before we regret not doing so.

Seeing my mother-in-law looking so free helped me to see just how much more alive we are when we are who we are and do what we are meant to do. Even though she still holds on to the memory of her husband by having his photo on her wall, she has surrendered that part of herself back to where it belongs. Let it go.

She feels good in knowing she did everything she could to make him comfortable in his last days. Stayed by his side until he took his last breath. Then asked the nurse to close his eyes and when they asked her if there was anything else she wanted them to do, she told them no. Grateful she had seen her husband through to his physical end. Grateful he did not suffer. Giving her the strength and dignity to walk out of the hospital a changed woman. A widow who had never known a life of her own. Allowing her to now fully embrace the women she has become. A woman determined to live out her last days as she wants - a life of her own.

I love to see that she is allowing herself to fully live as she wants for the time she has left here on earth. Without guilt, regret or fear. Just with gratitude for each day she opens her eyes and is still able to care for herself and herself alone. I looked at her with such admiration for she is a hero in her own right. Brave and determined to live out the rest of her days as she sees fit. And she deserves every bit of her new found freedom. Every single bit of it.  And for this lesson about living with gratitude from my mother-in-law I am truly grateful.