The Butler a movie well worth seeing

I went to see the movie, The Butler, with my sister and niece as it was my niece’s last night here in Bermuda before she heads back home to Delaware and boy am I glad I did. Wow. I am almost speechless after seeing that movie. I didn’t expect to be so moved by it. So affected by it. To see just how far we all have come as a civilization over the span of the movie is staggering.

The movie began with a black family picking cotton on a plantation and ended with a black family going into the White House as the first family of the United States. A black slave to a black president in a little over a hundred years is meteoric.  And we as a human race should be proud of all those who risked their lives out in the open, those who did what they had to do silently in the background, and those who died in their push to bring segregation to an end.

There are many who have walked before us who have paved the way for each of us to be in the position that we are in today. Some more passively than others but sometimes that passiveness is as strong if not stronger than the aggressor. But each having their place in our history – in the way we are today. In the way we treat each other today.

What I gleaned from this movie is how each one of us has the capability to change the perspective of others not by our words but by our actions. How we can put a human face to an otherwise nameless and faceless situation. How those who look down on the black men and women who have endured much to pave the way for others. How some of the pioneering blacks had to wear two faces as depicted in the movie such that others may have a seat at the table.

To have a son understand his father and a father understand his son. With both seeking forgiveness from the other due to ignorance on behalf of each other. How both understood at the end that they were both doing the best they could based on the experiences they had ever had.

I am still in awe of where we have come from as a human race. Even though I know we still have a long way to go to break down stereotypes that are still prevalent today but I walked out of that movie feeling great hope for our human race because we are resilient creatures. Here to learn lessons from each other. To teach each other about each other so we can break down the ignorance of each other.

I highly recommend the movie, The Butler, to anyone who wants to see what forgiveness, tolerance and acceptance can do for us as human beings. Showing how true Dr. Kind’s quote, Darkness can not drive out darkness; only light can do that”, truly is. The only way we can take darkness out of our world is to shine our light as brightly as we can and to be the change we want to see. 

Happy Anniversary to my blog!

My blog turned two years old two days ago and I was so busy commemorating Dr. Martin Luther King’s 50^th anniversary for his “I have a Dream” speech that I overlooked my own dream come true. My own baby. Forgot to even think of what August 28 means to me.

I am so chuffed that my blog began on the same day albeit some 48 years later that Dr. King delivered his speech about dreams. Chuffed because his speech was given in the same year I was born then for us to share the same date for beginning our dreams in spite of the time span makes me feel really good about what I am doing.

I started this blog because I wanted a place to write that would encourage me with my everyday trials as well as have the ability to share those trials and lessons with others to allow myself and anyone who chooses to read my blog to know we are all the same. We sometimes feel really good about where we are going in life and other times we don’t. Sometimes we feel confident about our abilities and other times we don’t. Sometimes we feel like we can climb any mountain. Other times just the thought of another mountain makes us want to give up.

When I started my blog, I was so nervous that I would be putting myself out there to be attacked. Criticised. And people would question who I think I am writing a blog. Question what was so important about what I have to say. I used to sit and wait for comments. Sit and wait for people to like what I said. Sit and wait for feedback. And at first I used to get upset when no one liked what I said. When I got no feedback because then I thought I was failing everyone else.

But what I had to tell myself over time, my blog is for my growth and if it helps anyone else along the way it is a bonus but not a necessity. Writing this blog every except Sunday is like writing in my gratitude journal every single night, both help me to grow more as an individual. As a woman. Writing my blog is more out in the open while writing my grateful journal is more private but both allow me to accept so much more about myself. Allow me to accept so much more about other people. Allow me to know when I have to let go and when I have to fight hard to hold on.

So here I am two years later and I am still writing my blog and I feel really proud that I am. It has become a daily part of my existence. My life experience has become richer because I am constantly aware of the stories of my life. I am constantly intrigued by something. Storing it in the deep recesses of my brain to write about when the time is right.

Sometimes writing my blog is tough going because I am hesitant about what I want to share. Hesitant because I know there are some who read my blog to see what is going on in my life – not necessarily with the best intentions but rather to keep tabs on me. But what I have decided is I have to just let go. Let my writing flow without thinking about what anyone else has to say as this blog is my journey of love and light. Not of malice and darkness. It is one that I hope touches as many people as it does me.

Two years of writing this blog. Wow. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that I began this journey. Other days it feels like I have been writing it all my life. It has taught me discipline and endurance as well as having thick skin. To my loyal and open followers I thank you for encouraging me every day with your comments whether constant or occasionally. I feel your presence and your encouragement every time I sit down to write and for you, I am truly grateful.

Signing off today proud of my ability to write this blog every day except Sunday for the last two years and still going. For how long I don’t know but for now I am pleased as to where I am with my journey of love and light blog. Amazing grace. How sweet is that? 

Living our dreams

Yesterday, August 28, 2013 marked the 50^th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King’s historical, “I have a dream” speech. Fifty years have gone by. Fifty years ago I was 4months old when this speech was being delivered by a man who left his mark in our hearts, his speech on the tip of our tongues, his voice ringing in our ears. Even in his death, we still hear him. See him. Feel him. Those of us who have invited him into our hearts and spirits. Letting us know even in death, our names can be spoken, our image can be carried on when we leave an indelible mark on this world.

Though Dr. King may not have known it on the surface, he seemed to know from a deeper level he only had a short amount of time to leave his mark. To leave behind his message for the rest of us to finish the work he started. To bridge the gap between those who are ignorant and those who are tolerant. Between what is right and what is wrong. Allowing all of us regardless of where we come from to accept and understand when we peel back our skin, we are all the same. We are all of the same Source. And therefore we have nothing to fear of each other unless we fear ourselves.

Hearing his rich voice full of passion, full of promise, full of truth caused me to pause yesterday. To think about what having a dream is all about. To reflect on what dreams really mean. And this is what came to me,

“My dream is my dream. Your dream is your dream.

Because I have a dream does not mean you cannot have one as well

Dreams allow us glimpses into the portal from whence we came

Asking us to go back to why we came in the first place

Reminding us to live out our promise

Our truths”

I hear my children talking about their dreams. Talking about what they want to be. How they want to get there and I try my best to help them, guide them but not direct them because they are just starting to understand the importance of acting on their dreams. If I’m constantly telling them their dreams are not good enough or not what I expected of them, they will never know who they are or whether their dreams are truly meant for them. It is not up to me to shatter their dreams. It is up to me to help them to turn their dreams into reality whether they are contrary to what my dream of them is. Their dreams are their own as are mine.

When we become parents we understand, through the eyes of our children, just how important it is to dream and to have dreams. To allow them to flourish and grow into reality because dreams are what take us to the next step of our lives. It is up to us as parents to encourage our children to live out their dreams rather than forcing them to live within their dreams never fully reaching their potential. Allowing them to explore their dreams gives them wings. Give them independence. Confidence and a sense of self.

Thank you Dr. King for reminding me the importance of living our dreams and not just dreaming them. For the important role you played in helping me to understand life is very short so if we have dreams we need to act on them. Make our dreams our reality not just our fantasy. And when we do, so shall our children. So shall we all.

When jealousy rears its ugly head

Jealousy is one of the worst traits we carry as human beings because it limits our scope. Limits us. Cuts us off from love because it forces us to hate. To resent. To find fault rather than joy.

When jealousy rears its ugly head, we must examine what it is about ourselves that makes us feel so inadequate that we would do anything to diminish another’s accomplishments and achievements to make us believe we are more superior. But what we don’t realise is when we do whatever we can to make ourselves feel more superior, the only person we are diminishing is ourselves.

Jealousy does not improve our circumstances and neither does it do anything to shift our karma or outcome. It does not reshape where we are. As a matter of fact, it keeps us glued to exactly where we are because we are so consumed with it that we cannot see the opportunities and gifts we have all the time. Instead we become focussed on bringing down the other person that we end up bringing down ourselves. We end up on a mission of what st going on outside of us rather than focusing on what is happening inside of us.

Jealousy is an ego driven emotion that wants all the limelight to be on us rather than shared. Jealousy stops us from seeing and understanding that sometimes we will be up and sometimes we will be down. Sometimes we will lead and sometimes we will be led. Sometimes we will win and sometimes we will lose. Sometimes it is our turn to be on centre stage and other times it is the turn of others.

And when we accept we are always being tested by the Universe to see what it is we truly want out of life, we will learn that jealousy has no place in our lives. That it is there only to keep us away from our own strengths by keeping us bogged down by our own weakness. And not the weakness of others.

When we become mired in jealousy nothing about us feels good causing us to project dark energy. Repelling people from us rather than attracting them to us. When jealousy is directed against us and people do and say things to try to diminish us what we must tell ourselves is that is their lesson to learn, their karma to inherit and their trial to endure. It has nothing to do with us at all. Just with them.

As long we are living our lives with integrity, truth and from a place of genuine love and light, no amount of falseness, jealousy or mal intent can ever touch us or hurt us. When we are living our lives as authentically as we can, “sticks and stones may break our bones but names will never hurt us”. Unless we invite them in. Allow them in.

So whenever we feel that ego driven emotion of jealousy rearing its head, we are being asked to examine the image we see in the mirror to determine what it is about ourselves we need to learn, to tackle, to surmount. It is never about the other person. It is always about us. Our feelings of lack and inadequacy. And once we learn this, we will see and understand there is enough abundance in this world, enough love and light in our universe, that there is no need for any of us to try to hog the spotlight, to try to diminish the light of others in order to illuminate our own.

What we learn most of all is when we try to diminish the light of another, we are diminishing our own light because we are all of the same light – the One Source. So rather than try to diminish, we need to help to illuminate such that collectively we can all shine as brightly as we are meant to. If only we would remember this when jealousy rears its ugly head because if we did our lives would be that much easier. That much brighter. Full of love and light. Imagine just how liberating that would be. Namaste

We humans are strange creatures

The weather has been very bizarre for Bermuda. It is August and it is supposed to be sunny and hot. But the months and seasons seem to be confused. It feels more like April or May and Spring rather than August and summer. We have had so much rain it is unbelievable. My grass is almost up to my knees because of the abundance of rain.

The days are already growing shorter. The light giving way to the darkness earlier and earlier each night. And resisting waking up til later each morning. Feeling more and more like Autumn is taking over and summer is almost gone.

Where has the summer gone? Where has time gone? Where is the summer sun? Scorching us letting us know it is at its end? That’s what we come to expect in August. The desire to say be gone heat. We’re ready for you coolness. But for some reason it is not there for us this year. We get pockets of it where the heat is so intense we wish it would rain. And then when it rains we wish for the sun.

We humans are strange creatures always lamenting about what we don’t have. Wishing for what’s not there rather than appreciating what is there. Taking me to a conversation I had last night with my daughter and niece about hair. About how we are never appreciative of the hair we have. My daughter wishing she could have an afro. Her hair, too curly too mixed to ever for an afro. Me telling her if I had hair like hers I would never complain. My niece telling me I would complain because we always want what we can’t have.

So true. So true. We focus so much on the faults sometimes that we don’t see the abundance and beauty we have right in front of us. That we are always given what we need rather than what we want. Always given what we can truly handle not what we think we can. Always given what we honestly and truly ask for deep down in our souls.

I am looking out the window at the red sky. At the red puffy clouds as the morning light is slowly but surely taking over from the dark night. And I know for a fact based on those clouds that we will have some more rain, possibly some more thunder and more unseasonal weather than seasonal. But now I will adjust my thinking to be grateful rather than resentful for whatever weather we may get because it means I am here to see it. Living and breathing. Experiencing yet another moment of life. Ready for another day.

And if nothing else, that is more than enough to be grateful for. Waking up and seeing this dawning of a new day even if I wish I could change my hair as does my daughter as do most of us, at least we have hair. Think of all those who do not for various reasons.

To be grateful for every single thing in our lives allows us to open to the more, to the abundance that is freely available for us. So despite the strange August weather, my hair not cooperating, and all the other things I could complain about, I am grateful to be here and that is worth more than any of my small laments. My small complaints. Life truly is wonderful and abundant. Namaste.

Choice taken away from me

Running here and there. Searching here and there. Too much to do. So little time. Deadlines loom.  Tired. Restless. Exhausted. Until my body collapses under my own rushing. Collapses from going too much. Doing too much. Trying to be all things to all people except myself. Until my body gives out. Tired of crying out for rest. It takes it itself. Forcing me to stop. Forcing me to rest. As it did yesterday.

I woke up yesterday morning congested, fatigued and dizzy. All I wanted to do was go back to bed and sleep. To close my eyes and remain behind my closed lids in the world of in-between. In the world where imaginations are free to roam. Where thought is free to be what it wants to be.

My body had been warning me since Friday that it was not well. That it needed time to repair itself. But I was just too busy to listen to it so I kept ignoring it. Pushing the warnings to the background. Saturday the warnings became more urgent. My head was heavy. Throat sore. Eyes swollen. Muscles ached but I still did not listen. I had too much to do. Ailments could not stop me. I forged on.

Until Sunday when my body gave out. My cells had worked too hard to keep me going. My limbs too weak to lift up. My soul saying enough. Go to bed. Stay in bed. So I acquiesced. I had no choice. Nothing was right. Nothing felt right. Except rest. So I slept and slept.

And then I got a surprise on top of my cold and flulike symptoms, my menopause that I thought I had completed, paused as well. Giving me back my chance of becoming a mother again. A phase of my life I thought had ended. So there I was in bed with cramps and pain too. Wondering what in the world was going on with me. Was I regressing instead of progressing was that what the Universe was trying to tell me. That I needed to be more present rather than everywhere but where I was meant to be.

I lay in bed all day yesterday. Letting go of the desire to be doing instead just being. Sleeping and listening to my body, mind and spirit. Watching For Coloured Girls only. A movie I always wanted to see. Seeing that when we make choices that aren’t good for us. When we know they are not good for us, they eventually come back to haunt us. Frighten us. Take away things we always wanted. Take away the very things that mean the most to us. So we need to be careful about the choices we continue to make because they may lead us down a path we never intended to take.

As I learnt yesterday when my body took control off my mind and collapsed under the fatigue of me trying to be everything to everyone else but to myself. Allowing me the opportunity to watch a movie. Something I have not done for a long time. Without guilt to feeling I needed to be anywhere else but where I was.

Okay inner voice I'm listening

My computer has been giving up on me for a few weeks now. Shutting down unexpectedly. Or not shutting down at all. But I have been refusing to take heed of the sign. Refusing to let it go because it is sop much a part of me. That every day I sit down to do something on it. Thinking it will hold out for a while more. Not backing things up on it. Not sending things to the cloud. But thinking it will not fail me. Overriding my instincts saying to use my tablet and admit that my desktop is on its last leg.

But this morning, it taught me just how silly I have been. I had just completed my meditation with Deepak and Oprah on Miraculous Union  and was starting to write my blog. A blog that felt really good. A blog based on what I got out of the meditation. And as I was in the flow of it, I looked up and there were only 4 complete words on the screen and part of the fifth. I had been writing for about 5 minutes only to find my thoughts had not made it to the screen.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to smash my computer. I was so upset. And when I calmed down I realised it was not my computer’s fault for the mess I was in. It was my own fault for not listening to my inner voice. For not listening to my computer telling me it was at the end of the line. That technology does not last for more than three years anymore before it starts to fall apart. That we are living in a disposable time where nothing is meant to last. And I had to get used to it or I too would become a dinosaur – extinct.

And what I also realised is the blog I was writing was not meant for today either. That I was being led to self-reflect. To know that I need to listen to my inner voice more. To go where I am being led by it rather than pushing ahead and doing what I know does not feel good to me. Because when I sat down at my computer this morning, every cell in my body was telling me to not use my desktop but to use my tablet instead. I failed to listen and now I am suffering the consequences.

My frozen desktop is my lesson for today. To listen and take heed of my inner voice. It will never lead me astray. My ego on the other hand as well as my desire to control what is beyond my capabilities will all the time. So begrudgingly I know I have to start letting go of my desktop. To find a way to move everything I have on it to the cloud so I can still access it on another device and call it a day. Hopefully I have not waited too long. Hopefully I will still be able to salvage what I have.

I also have to be grateful for the fact that there is a cloud and there is a possibility I will be able to restore my writings on my new tablet. Keep your fingers crossed I am able.

And for my lesson on listening to my inner voice and for having a backup device to continue to write, I am truly grateful. Okay inner voice I am listening, ok. 

Antoinette Tuff, the power of surrender

Every once in a while I come across a story that touches my heart. A story that makes me feel great to be alive. To know there are people in this world who were sent here to help others by helping themselves.  Yesterday I came across the story of Antoinette Tuff and knew she was an angel both to herself, to the young man who wanted to kill, the children and others she saved at the elementary school in Atlanta.

Antoinette Tuff saved the lives of several people including many children when she listened to a young man in trouble. Talked to him like he was a human being. Made him feel like he mattered such that he put down his gun and surrendered. Surrendered himself to the police.

Her story is an amazing story. A story of courage, compassion, forgiveness and love. A story of surrendering all to the Divine in the face of her life being on the line. She did not show her panic or her fear. Instead she showed compassion.  She looked into that young man’s soul and saw her own pain reflected back through his eyes and because she did, she was able to relate to him. She was able to understand why that young man had been sent to her with a loaded gun. Why she had been sent to sit in that chair she did not normally sit in.

She understood in that instant if she was to save her life, the lives of the innocent children and faculty of the school as well the other lives that would be lost including the young man’s, she had to remain calm and speak to the young man. She sensed she could not add to his angst. From a place deep within, she knew she and this stranger were sent to help save each other. Him so he would not take innocent lives then take his own. Her to see that she had come a long way. She understood first hand, there is only 6 degrees of separation between us all. There by the grace of God go I was probably her thought as she looked at that broken young man.

She told him he was not alone by opening up about her own hardships. About her own pain. About her own experiences.  That she too had suffered and continues to suffer as is he suffering but she is working on turning her life around. She did not in any way try to diminish the young man. Nor admonish him for his actions. She consoled him.

Made him see her as a human being with feelings and responsibilities not just a nameless face. Made him feel loved such that he could feel like a human being and not just a nameless face. She saved that young man’s family from being devastated by the news that their son was a murderer. All because he felt like he did not matter. That he had nothing to live for and the only way he could see a way out was to kill himself but not before taking innocent children along with him.

She saw that young man was hurting and wanted to be remembered for something. Wanted to be heard so she listened and then she talked. Talked him out of shooting and into surrendering. Assuring him that everything was going to be okay. Assuring herself that everything was going to be okay. And then she let go. Surrendered it all to the divine.

Antoinette Tuff is an unsung hero. A woman who saw a broken young man and helped him to find the light again. Helped him to see that he mattered and as such all the other people around him mattered too. I wanted to share her story today to remind us that everything that happens in our lives is leading us to the place we are right now. All the hardship Antoinette Tuff suffered, all the tragedy and despair, rejection and fear led her to the encounter with that young man so she could help him to see he was not alone in his struggles. That he mattered. All her pain came to a head when the two strangers met by Divine Intervention in that elementary school in Atlanta to forevermore change their lives. To let them both know they are not alone in their struggles and when they keep the faith and surrender all that is beyond their control, life will reward them. And recognize them for their contributions. A powerful lesson for us all.

To Ms. Antoinette Tuff for her courage, compassion and love, I am truly grateful. Her story can be found on the following link: 

 http://www.policymic.com/articles/60379/antoinette-tuff-meet-the-woman-who-prevented-a-mass-school-shooting-yesterday

The art of communication

I have to recommend the Deepak  Chopra, Oprah 21 day meditation challenge to everyone because it always delivers to me an answer I am seeking in ways I could not understand until listening to them. Until hearing the words of wisdom they impart. And the mediation I listened to today was all about “Miraculous Communication”. Something I have been grappling with for quite some time.

I have been wondering why  people feel they are speaking their truths but when some do, it feels like the truth and comes from a place of love whereas with others it feels like an attack and comes from a place of ego. How can one person be speaking their truth and it resonates whereas with some when they feel they are speaking their truth, it feels like it is mired in hate and contempt. And as such it is repelling rather than compelling. And this morning I got the answer that helped me to understand there is a vast difference between speaking timeless truth and personal human truth.

Ms. Oprah opened the mediation with a quote from Virginia Wolfe that says, “If you do not tell the truth about yourself, you can not tell it about other people.”  Powerful statement. She went on to say there lots of things that can block us from telling our truth – insecurity, fear of being judged, feeling unworthy, etc. When we consciously create a communication that is safe, our very presence becomes loved filled and life supporting. She stated that if everything we say and do shows the world who we are, then let it be our truth - authentic truth and Divine.

In other words what she is saying is let it be our essence self. Not our ego self. Our true self. Not our human self filled with human limitations of ego and fear. Let it be our spiritual self that understands we are all interconnected and all come from the One Source.

And then Deepak  Chopra discussed the expression center, the fifth chakra, also called the throat chakra. Saying it is the first chakra in the body to focus on the spiritual plane and it is the bridge between the lower and upper chakras.  The throat chakra enhances our ability to speak our mind.  When we speak from our true self, our words are positive. Our words inspire and lift everyone in our world. As we communicate authentically, our relationships grow. Our connections with each other and the world deepen. An underactive throat charka wants us to hold back in fear of being judged or misrepresented causing us to keep our desires and needs to ourselves. An overactive throat chakra results in speaking more than listening. Both coming from insecurity stemming from ego based desires.

A balanced chakra acts an independent filter for communication. Once the energy is flowing, we know we will speak truthfully.  People with open centers of communication, speak the truth, as their words emanate from love and express that love from the very core of who we are. Allowing us to speak a timeless truth and not personal human truth.

So when we think we are speaking our truths, we need to ask if we are speaking from an authentic place or if we are speaking from a bruised and human place. Is it our intention to hurt or to heal? To blame or to accept where we are and work on ourselves first before blaming others? To find fault or a solution? To place our pain on someone else so we falsely believe we don’t have to carry it anymore?

I know for a fact that when I speak my truth, my authentic truth, it flows without me having to think. It feels beautiful, liberating, and free. And now I know it flows because it emanates from a place of integrity and love. And when I speak from this place, I find no matter who tries to attack that truth can not hurt me because I know I spoken from a place of love. But when I speak from a place driven by ego, feelings of insecurity and fear overpower the feeling of authenticity. Making me believe we always know when our throat chakra is balanced and when it is not. Only then can I truly say, “I fearlessly speak my truth with love.” And then let the outcome go. Letting those go who attack while making way for those who attract.

When we speak authentically, our relationships grow because we grow. Speaking authentically comes from a balanced throat chakra that allows us to speak from a place of love.  Not from a place of fear. It comes from timeless truth not personal human truth.  Namaste.

Love is the most powerful force in the Universe

According to Deepak Chopra, love is the most powerful healing force in the Universe. I believe the reason love is is because when we love we see the beauty in everything and everyone. When we love, we see the abundance that is freely available to us all around. When we love, we do not harbour any of the negativity that keeps us in the dark. When we love, we see light everywhere even in our darkest hour. When we love, we are creative, free to express because we are accessing the infinite possibility that exists for us all as if it was for us and us alone.

When we love, we share with no expectations. When we love, we feel so powerful because we know we are connected to everything and everyone and we are of the One Source.

When we do not love, we are consumed by fear and when we are consumed by fear, we see the negative in everything. We blame everyone and everything for the position we find ourselves in rather than going deep within and seeing what it is about ourselves that is causing us to feel the way we do or lose out on opportunities. And what we find when we go deep is we are so consumed with shifting the blame to others that we focus on them rather than on focusing on ourselves. And if we spent as much time examining our own shortcomings or our own lives as we do blaming others, we would see the opportunities that present themselves to us each and every day.

What we will also discover is those that push our buttons, those that cause us angst and upset are the best teachers we could ever ask for because they are reflecting to us something about ourselves we do not like but cannot see. Until we learn to examine ourselves and love ourselves we will never know the depth and power of love because it emanates and radiates from within not without.

Meditation is a powerful means of accessing that inner light, that motherlode of love that allows us to see and feel the beauty, abundance and infinite possibility that exists for us all. It opens us to experience our lives fully, not by suppressing our feelings but truly experiencing them, feeling them and going deep within to determine the lesson we are meant to learn. And when we get the lesson, we find that if we surrender those troubling feelings to the eternal and one Source, we open ourselves to love and to be loved. Without expectation or blame. Because we understand and accept we are love and that is all. Love - a powerful force only to be broken by our own fear.

A lesson from a lost and returned iPod nano

Yesterday was one of those days when I felt perfectly aligned with spirit. When I felt like whatever I did, was right. Whoever crossed my path was meant to cross my path. The lessons I was meant to learn I did without questions. Yesterday was one of those days when I understood and accepted and fully got that the Divine spirit is within me, within all of us because we are the Divine.

It started with the radiant light of the morning waking up. Shimmering off the windows of my home, Dazzling. Almost like the outside was on fire and the fire was trying to reach my heart. My soul. My spirit. Move beyond my physical self to my essence self. The light was so bright that I at first thought there was a fire outside. Only to look outside to see it was the sun making its presence known as it rose in the East and cast its light throughout my yard. Filling me with rays of light. Rays of love. Rays of gratitude and understanding. I  inhaled that light and felt blessed to wake up and witness its dawning.

I left my home feeling infused with energy. Feeling like there was nothing beyond my capabilities. Feeling truly blessed. Such that later on in the afternoon when I received a phone call from my daughter’s camp that she had lost her iPod nano, I did not panic. Did not get upset. Did not feel angry with her that she had lost it. I accepted it for what it was. I surrendered the fact to the Universe. Feeling if it was meant to be lost, it would be lost. If it was meant to be found, it would be found.

I could hear my daughter sobbing in the background because her music is on the iPod nano for her dance routine she is practicing for a show she is going to be in. I could feel her pain through the phone. I told the counselor to tell her it was all right. We would find a solution. I then asked them to tell me all the places they had been. I also called my nieces because they had taken her to her camp that morning and asked them where they had gone. They told me they had stopped in a bathroom before dropping my daughter off. Instantly I knew she had left her iPod nano in the bathroom.

When I went to pick her up, she immediately burst into tears when she saw me. Apologising over and over again for losing her iPod nano. Telling me she could not practise her routine because she had lost her music. Her little face was broken. Her shoulders were sagging. I hugged her and told her it was all right. We would either find it or replace it.

I asked her if she remembered going to the bathroom in the morning and if she remembered leaving her iPod nano there. Her whole face brightened and she said, “Yes I did mommy. I left it on the toilet roll holder.”

I told her that there was a possibility that it was gone because that had been 9.30 in the morning when it was now 4.30 in the afternoon. She begged me to go and check to see if it was still there. My niece asking me to check there as well. Despite my skepticism about looking, once I dropped my daughter off at here next class, I went to the Washington Mall to see if her iPod nano was still in the bathroom. It was not. I popped into the shop of one of my friends and told her the story about my daughter losing her nano. She called the people that run the mall and asked them if anyone had turned in an iPod nano.

Much to my surprise and joy, someone had in fact turned in my daughter’s nano. But if I am honest, deep in my heart I knew it would be found because of how I had started the day. Because I had expressed gratitude for being here. For the beauty of the day. The world reflected back to me what I was projecting and that is why my daughter’s nano was returned.

We attract that which we project and yesterday was a perfect example of that for me. I had my faith restored in humanity and in myself yesterday when my daughter’s nano was returned. To see the joy and relief on her face was equally priceless when she found out she had not lost her nano. As was her faith restored as well. We were both shown the gifts of abundance so freely available in the Universe when our hearts and souls are open and when we have faith, love and light.

To the good Samaritan who returned my daughter’s iPod nano, I am truly grateful. You may be nameless but our souls connected because they were meant to. Thank you for teaching me first hand that life gives us exactly what we need all the time and gives us back exactly what we give out. Here’s to another day of gratitude, love and light. Namaste.

Seeing through the eyes of the soul

Yesterday I drove my children and their cousins to Dockyard so they could go out on a boat with their other cousins and what a treat it was for me on the drive back to see just how beautiful my Island home really is. After I dropped them off, the scenery I had not seen when I was driving with them in the car. Distracted by their talk, our talk. But with them gone all I had were my thoughts and the scenery in front of me. All round me. And I was taken aback by it. By the natural and astounding beauty of the place I  call home.

I could not help but take notice of the colour of the ocean. The varying shades of blue and in some cases indigo and turquoise. The contrasting colours of the coral beneath the ocean shocking the blue with reds and oranges. The stillness of the ocean helping to still my thoughts. As if it was willing me, asking me to surrender to its calmness so I could surrender to my thoughts.

I felt a sense of peace wash over me as I fell in love with my Island all over again. Fell in love with its feminine and natural beauty. The cloud formations catching my eyes next. Wispy tendril like clouds. Not moving too much because the wind was not very strong. Seeing them contrasted against the azure sky. With the occasion bird flying by.

The roads were quiet because it was a Sunday morning so I slowed down and took my time. Not worrying about holding up traffic. Not worrying about anything really. Just driving and talking my time. Allowing myself the pleasure of surrender.  Took my time drinking in the wonders of my island helping me to see through the eyes of my soul as Deepak said in his meditation.

Helping me to see that everything and everyone is interconnected. That there is an invisible thread that binds us all as we all emanate from the One Source. The infinite of which we are all born. Helping me to understand the soul is infinite because of from whence it has come.

I felt such peace and love yesterday that there was very little that could upset me. That could cause me to want to break with the feeling of peace and connection. Such that later on in the evening when several situations flared up that would have caused me to react in a negative way. all I could do was surrender them back to the place from whence they came and do the best I could with what I had because I recognized that everything and everyone has their place in our lives. And all we can do is decide whether we will invite them in or leave them at the door.

Give them options. More importantly give ourselves options and then let go. Surrendering to the fact that beauty and peace lies in seeing through the eyes of my soul. And because I allowed myself to do so yesterday by taking in the beauty of my Island and allowing it to permeate my being, I was at peace with the flow of life. Recognizing I cannot change the way others think but I can change the way I react to them.

In gratitude for the lesson of the soul through its eyes and the wonders of nature. And in gratitude for the beautiful place I call home.

Present moment living

This morning the alarm went off at 6 am. I had been trying to decide if I was going to get up or if I was going to stay in bed having been wake since 5 am. Telling myself it was the weekend so I could treat myself  to staying in bed a little longer. To not rush about but my mind was wandering from one thought to the next. My head full of stuff. Stuff that I have to do. Stuff I have not done. Stuff. So I decided to get up.

I am finding it difficult to get up because it is so dark in the mornings here compared to the light that was flooding through my windows every morning at 5.45 in England so it feels like winter to my mind’s eye rather than the remnants of summer.  Tossing and turning I decided to get up and boy was I glad I did.

I love witnessing the dawning of a new day and this morning was a true gift from the Universe. The sky was clear.  There were beautiful stars in the sky twinkling like little diamonds. The night lights of the darkness I call the stars. There was a lone cloud suspended in the twilight sky, I stood at the window and looked out at the sky and asked the Universe to guide me.  To help me to get rid of the mumble and jumble in my mind. And I inhaled deeply then closed my eyes.

The Universe presenting itself to me in its finest hour. Showing me the silhouettes of everything. The energy behind us all. The essence of our existence. Shining bright against the dark morning. The dark giving way to the light and I immediately felt better. Blessed. Fortunate. Grateful for experiencing the stillness of the day. The dawning of the new day. The opportunity to start anew. To not worry about the things I had no control over but to focus on present moment living.

Which took me to something I read about Oprah just yesterday when someone asked her about her life and she stated she does not worry about yesterday nor tomorrow, nor anything beyond where she is at the present moment because she tries to live in the moment. And that’s when I knew the Universe had answered my prayer. Had listened to me and had guided me to that place in my brain where I had stored that gem from Oprah. To know that if I live in this moment, not the moment behind me or beyond me, all will be well. And only then will I be able to rid myself of the mumble jumble threatening to pull me into a quagmire I cannot escape.

When I opened my eye, the dark sky had given way to the light. The night lights of the dark sky had given way to the sun rising in the East. The cloud that had lain silhouetted in the dark sky now red from the rising sun. The leaves gently waving in the breeze. Allowing me to inhale the freshness of this new day. Exhaling the thoughts of old as the song, Morning has broken, filled my head and my being. Pure joy and surrender.

Happy Saturday everyone. I am going to try to continue to present moment living enjoying all the changes each moment presents such that my hearts can be filled with gratitude and wonder. Like that of a child. Already I feel carefree and blessed. Namaste.

My mother-in-law teaching me to live with gratitude

Last Sunday we spent the day with my husband’s family. His mother. His older brother and his wife. A lovely lunch in Newcastle and then back to his mother’s house to meet his Aunt and have tea, coffee, desserts and more family time.

It truly was strange to be in the house without my husband’s dad who died in January of this year. Particularly since this was our first trip back since he died. The house feels different. More feminine. More my husband’s mother than it ever was. She seems to have come into her own. Telling us this is the first time in her life she has ever lived on her own. She went straight from her mother’s house to a house shared with her husband who remained her husband for 60 years.Until his death in January. And today, August 16 would have been their 60th wedding anniversary together. Cheers Austin.

She is now 86 years old and is loving her new found independence and wings. She loves waking up when she wants. Going to bed when she wants. Cooking whatever she wants and doing whatever she wants without having to worry about anyone else. She tells us this with a twinkle in her eye. Yet hanging on the wall is the calendar we sent her for 2013 ironically with January showing photos of the door where my husband first lived after he was born. A photo of him, his mother and his father standing in front of the door. A photo of just my husband’s parents and then a photo of all of us standing in front of the door. Ironical because my father-in-law died in January.

We took that photo while visiting England last year when my husband insisted we go to where his life began. He wanted to photograph his parents there rather prophetically I now know. I looked at the spot where my husband’s father always sat and could almost hear his voice. Feel his presence there with us. And as I was thinking this, I looked up and spotted a mirror my mother-in-law has in her beautiful garden and swore I saw the back of my father-in-law’s head in the mirror.

And then when I tried to focus, the image had vanished but not without me feeling his presence and knowing he was glad we had all come back. I then came back into the room fully present with everyone there. Looking from face to face at my husband’s family. At my mother-in-law holding court, the pride on her face with having her two sons at home with her. Her sister. Her grandchildren and felt first-hand how quickly life can change. How quickly we change. How easy it is for us to get too busy to give ourselves the time to do what we want when we want.

And I understood totally what my mother-in-law  is feeling. For much of her life, she has taken care of everyone else that she never had time for herself and now she is finally enjoying being herself at 86 years old. To me her whole persona feels younger, freer, less tense. Letting me know that we really need to allow ourselves to be who we are before it is too late. Before we can’t and before we regret not doing so.

Seeing my mother-in-law looking so free helped me to see just how much more alive we are when we are who we are and do what we are meant to do. Even though she still holds on to the memory of her husband by having his photo on her wall, she has surrendered that part of herself back to where it belongs. Let it go.

She feels good in knowing she did everything she could to make him comfortable in his last days. Stayed by his side until he took his last breath. Then asked the nurse to close his eyes and when they asked her if there was anything else she wanted them to do, she told them no. Grateful she had seen her husband through to his physical end. Grateful he did not suffer. Giving her the strength and dignity to walk out of the hospital a changed woman. A widow who had never known a life of her own. Allowing her to now fully embrace the women she has become. A woman determined to live out her last days as she wants - a life of her own.

I love to see that she is allowing herself to fully live as she wants for the time she has left here on earth. Without guilt, regret or fear. Just with gratitude for each day she opens her eyes and is still able to care for herself and herself alone. I looked at her with such admiration for she is a hero in her own right. Brave and determined to live out the rest of her days as she sees fit. And she deserves every bit of her new found freedom. Every single bit of it.  And for this lesson about living with gratitude from my mother-in-law I am truly grateful.

I lost my blog this morning in order to find my way again

The strangest thing happened to me this morning, I wrote a blog and really felt it resonated with me. Yet when I putting the finishing touches on my masterpiece, I lost the whole document. Don’t know how I managed to do that yet. And it did not auto save. I went back and searched and searched for my beautiful blog to no avail. It was just not there. Gone. Disappeared into the ether.  Leaving me astonished, shaken up, taken aback by the fact that I had lost my blog. Disappointed because I felt like it emanated from my inner core. My essence self. So how could it have disappeared?

I am a firm believer that we are always where we are meant to be. Always experiencing what we are meant to be experiencing even in our darkest moments. Particularly when we are in our darkest moments because it is then that the Universe is asking us to go really deep. To really stop and listen to what our inner cores is telling us. To push aside the ego as best we can so we can go deep within to listen to what our inner core is asking us to do. Not what our ego self wants us to do.

And as I was contemplating this I accepted the blog I had written though it was heartfelt, today was not the day to put it out it out there. The time was not right for it to be revealed yet and more importantly it was taken from me so I could see that it was not really meant for me to share at this present time.  And though I still felt a semblance of disappointment that my blog was gone, I know that what I am writing now is the lesson I am meant to be learning right now.

And the lesson that came through for me is when the time is right, all will fall into place as it is meant to do. Not when I demand it to nor when I try to direct it to but only when it is meant to as happened to me this morning. When I am being led down a path that does not feel right, I have to listen to my inner voice telling me it’s not right because if I don’t I will end up in the wilderness wondering how I got there. As was shown to me when my blog vanished into the ether and I was left in the dark wondering what I was meant to write about and what I was meant to do.

So I stopped and listened even more and what I heard was if I am honest with myself I know that the blog I had written left me feeling very angry and resentful about a situation and I was trying to cleverly send a message that was not meant to be sent.

And what I realize more than anything was I am the one who received the greatest lesson today and that lesson is when our intentions are not pure, we will never receive the outcome we are seeking because as Rumi says, “what you are seeking is seeking you.” In other words, whatever intentions I put out there will come to get me.  Forcing me to accept I attract that which I am. Ironically the centering thought for the Oprah, Deepak meditation I listened to just before I wrote my blog.

The Universe was forcing me to see whatever circumstances I find myself in, I created that situation by inviting it into my life by an action I took, a statement I made, the energy I projected. And the only way I can stop attracting it or feeling like I am beating my head up against the wall is to change the energy I project. Only then will I be able to attract that which I really want into my life.

And for losing my blog this morning allowing me to learn to follow the path I know intuitively I am meant to follow rather than what where my head is telling me to go, I am truly grateful.  Blessed to be able to write Take 2 of my blog and really feel it. Learning first hand, the law of attraction is alive and well. I lost my blog in order to find my way again. Namaste.

Home Sweet Home

Home Sweet home. There is nothing like home. Yet we don’t realize it until we are away from it and then return.

We have been away from home for nearly three weeks and when we returned last night my whole being felt settled. Like it was centred again. Focused again.

The journey home was long and at times felt impossible but the Universe was on our side helping us to wait through the 4 hour delay in our flight departure then making the journey back as smooth as it could possibly be. Our children keeping themselves entertained while we waited and waited in the Gatwick lounge watching our departure time get pushed back further and further. With despair. Knowing there was nothing we could do but wait.

Each of us hoping and wishing that we would make it out of the airport that day and safely reach home. Though we each enjoyed our time away and each of us got something a little more out of our lives than before we left, each of us was craving our own routines. Our own lives. Our own familiarity. And to finally get it at about 11.30 last night was pure and unbounded joy.

When the flight landed and we got all of our bags, there was a taxi large enough to take all of our bags waiting just for us. As we drove along the Causeway, I exhaled deeply when I saw the quarter moon sitting in the otherwise dark sky almost as if I could touch it. Feeling like it was welcoming me, us back home. The sound of the tree frogs like a raucous welcoming band loud above everything else. A sound normally in the background suddenly in the forefront because we had not heard the sound for nearly three weeks. The feeling of the humidity moisturizing my skin. My hair immediately going limp as my daughter’s and son’s curled up. Feeling the familiar of home that I take for granted when I am here every single day filled me with such gratitude and wonder. Such awe at how life unfolds every single day with little to do with me. With us.

When we arrived at our house, our home, the heaviness of the bags suddenly seemed lighter as we pulled them one last time up the stairs and into our home, the smell of Bermuda letting us know we were back. Looking up at the sky and seeing the constellation of stars I am used to seeing at night making me feel grounded and safe and happy to be back home. Whispering thank you to the Universe for allowing us to safely return.

Leaving me to believe and think as Dorothy did when she clicked her heels, “There’s no place like home. No place like home.” And hearing the old clique, “Home is where the heart is.” And for now this is where my heart lies. Right here. Right now. With gratitude for the wonderful journey my family took to England. Gratitude for our growth and togetherness. Our bickering and spats. Our similarities and differences. And now for our home together. The place we have built together. Body. Mind and Spirit. For better or for worse. Home.

Magnificent bridges

Bridges are in my opinion one of the best inventions of mankind. They allow us to get to places much quicker than if they were not there. They allow us access to places we would never be able to get to if they were not there. Bridges span places connecting that which would not otherwise be connected and that’s why I love them. They invoke in me feelings of spanning space and time. Of how we are connected more than we realise. That bridges are just the physical manifestation of the spiritual connection we have all the time spiritually.

We spent our last night up north in the Hilton Gateshead and what an absolute treat it was for us. We had a priceless view of the bridges that span from the Gateshead side to the Newcastle side. Bridging the gap between the two cities in the Northeast and these bridges are magnificent. From the modern Millennium or Winking Eye Bridge to the High Level Bridge built in 1849. These bridges show the meteorite leap in technology and ability of mankind just in their design. But they also show though the design has changed from clunky to sleek their function is still the same. To connect places that would not otherwise be connected.

We sat and watched the day turn to night. The bridges from their daytime simplicity to their night time glory adorned with lights. We watched and I snapped pictures trying to capture the magic of the bridges and though I attach the photos for all to see, I was able to capture the true essence and wonder of these bridge spanning the River Tyne connecting Gateshead with Newcastle. Silhouetted against the cloudy sky. Reflecting against the murky river Tyne.

Watching the trains crossing in the background. Buses

and cars racing over the numerous bridges. People walking. Taking for granted the modern miracle they cross every single day. Not even thinking about what went into the bridges that allow them to get to destinations with ease they would not have been able to do so before.

Thinking as the Millennium Bridge changed colours of how much I love bridges both metaphorically and physically because I know without them there would be so much more that would be considered foreign than what truly is. Bridges allow us to get to places, meet people and experience different cultures we would not have if they did not exist. And that’s why I love them. Love the way they look and what they represent. For they are always bridging the gap between what is known and what is not until they all become so familiar we forget the bridge that brought us together.

Which brings me to my thought of the day which states, “Every bridge I cross brings me closer to a higher level of fulfilment.” And to my daughter’s now favourite expression taught to her by one of her school teachers when something is not what it is expected, “Build a bridge and get over it.” Looking at those magnificent bridges reminded me of all the trials I have endured. All the bridges I have had to cross to get to the other side and once I have I have felt much better about the place I am in and that’s why I believe bridges are some of the most magnificent inventions of mankind because they physically represent what we endure to get to where we are and who we are meant to be. 

Back together again

We are back together. The four of us after having been separated for two weeks. And it feels really good to all be back in the same place. Bickering. Arguing. Disagreeing but at the same time loving each other and grateful we are back together.

My husband and daughter went to pick our son up from his programme on Saturday morning while I got everything ready for us to check out of the townhouse we had rented. Readying us to go on the next leg of our journey to see the matriarch of my husband’s family. Readying for the last leg of our journey.

And before I knew it they were back. My son seeming taller than just the night before when we left him. Excitement shining from his eyes. Producing his report card and graduation certificate showing that he had graduated from a tough course at Oxford University. Wiser than when he left us. Telling us how much he realises he needs to buckle down and study more because he has seen just how clever the other children are from different parts of the world.

Telling us about how he has made friends with people from all over the world. His contact list now including people from Russia, India, Romania, China, America, Africa, Japan, Pakistan, Germany, to name a few. How he met one guy from Africa who was originally from Hong Kong who speaks 7 different languages. With his English being just as good as any English speaking person. Telling us he really needs to pay attention in his language classes because he realises what an advantage it is to speak more than one language.

Our son back with us grown from his experience. Debating now as to whether he wants to go to Boarding School. Something before he never wanted and neither did we but now he has tasted freedom. Tasted being on his own and realised it is not as bad as he thought. His sister protesting saying he can’t leave for boarding school. He has to stay with her. The two of them cuddling and staying very close to each other for the whole weekend. Arguing as usual but grateful nonetheless for being back together.

Sometimes seeing the baby in them both as they clung to each other. Sharing a very special brother sister bond that my husband and I love to see. Though they argue and fuss, they always have each other’s backs. My son telling his sister his deepest secrets. She him. The love and trust between them so special and we are so proud they share this bond.

The four of us back together. Different and changed but back together nonetheless. Taking our last leg of our journey together on the train up to Newcastle, England. Looking at my family and feeling so grateful for us. For our love. For our togetherness. For our differences and similarities. The dynamics that keep us together even on those times when each of us wants to go in a different direction. But what we know deep down inside, we will always be together because of the intimacy we share.  So grateful for my family and our love. 

A proud moment for us

Yesterday we attended the “Graduation Ceremony” for our son from his two week Oxford Royale summer programme at St. Peter’s College, Oxford University. It was a moment of reflection and pride for us all.

The programme director opened the ceremony by asking how many of the children knew at least two people at the beginning of the two week session. A couple of people raised their hands. Then he asked how many of the students knew at least two people at the end of the programme. Every student raised their hand. Some with tears in their eyes as they looked at their new friends. People they would not have met had they not had the opportunity to take part in the programme. I got a lump in my throat when my son raised his hand and he and some of his friends looked at each other. thinking about the paths intersecting for a short while then running parallel again as the students were preparing to go back to their every day existence.

Then the programme director asked the students by a show of hands how many were aged 13. A few raised their hands. Aged 14. My son’s age and there were several who raised their hands.  Aged 15. A few more raised theirs. It looked like the 14 and 15 years olds were evenly split. Then the director congratulated them on their bravery and fortune to have been away from home in a foreign country for two weeks. Advising them about the wonderful experience they had been afforded and the experience they took up and mastered. My heart swelling with pride as I realised just how much my son will have grown since we dropped him off two weeks ago. Curious to see if he ever washed his clothes! But knowing he had changed and would be forevermore changed from this experience. He has tasted independence and lived on his own without us for two weeks. What would he be like when we pick him up tomorrow. What will the four of us be like when we pick him up tomorrow I wondered.

Then the director asked a very enlightening question. He asked how many students spoke more than one language. More than 50% of the students raised their hands. A staggering statistic! Showing me just how global our world really is and just how many people are at least bilingual. Giving them an advantage over several of us because these people can communicate with a group of people I could not.

Then the director asked how many students did not speak English as a first language. About 50% of the students raised their hands. Another profound lesson. We think we have life hard with English being spoken so much more in the Western world while there were more than 50% of the students who had come to a foreign land and a foreign language between the ages of 13 and 15 and were able to complete a two week programme in English. That fact goes beyond bravery. It is remarkable what our children are capable of achieving. Amazing the experiences they have available to them with the power of the Internet and our world becoming more and more of a global village.

I felt privileged to be able to afford my son the opportunity to be in class with students from places like Russia, India, Pakistan, China, France, Africa and others. Students he has forged a lasting relationship with. Students whose paths could very well cross again in this increasingly connected world. Proud that he made it through the programme and enjoyed every minute of it.

The ceremony was poignant and sentimental because it reminded me of how interconnected we all are regardless of where we come from. And I am so grateful we were able to give our son this opportunity to see what the big wide world is like out there. We left the graduation with our son rushing off to spend the last night with his new friends. They were off to dinner at the Randolph Hotel and a huge Venetian theme party to celebrate the end of the programme and the beginning of the rest of their lives.

My husband, daughter and I walked away feeling so proud (how many times have I used this expression now), smiling at how much our son and brother had changed from the two weeks when we left him. Grateful for having witnessed such an enlightening and life changing experience for him and for us. Showing him and us just how much of a global village we truly live in. That no matter where we live or what we look like, ultimately we are all the same deep down inside. What an experience. 

A fantastical day in Oxford

Yesterday was one of those picture perfect family days when everything fell into place without plan. Without expectation. Because we allowed ourselves to go with the flow. We allowed ourselves to surrender to the moment we were in and followed where that moment took us.

We are on holiday in Oxford England. And though it is really strange that it is just the three of us, my husband, daughter and me, we have learnt to adjust as our son enjoys his last week in his summer programme.

Deciding what to do with a ten year old girl to keep her entertained can be taxing sometimes because our interests can vary so yesterday rather than trying to decide, we just did. The weather has been glorious for us here almost as if England is trying to entice us. Trying to let us see all of her beauty and glory under the guise of perfect weather.  England is a beautiful place. It just has lousy weather but this week we have had very little rain and the temperature has been lovely. Not too cold and not too hot.

We have been doing a lot of walking. Discovering the canal right behind our accommodations and walking along it seeing all of the barges and very happy and relaxed people taking us back to last year when we were on the Sancerre on the River Thames. My husband longing to be back on the water. So much so that we even investigated whether we could rent a barge for the day but discovered much to our chagrin that we could not. Too much prep work said the barge owner for just a one day rental.

So yesterday we just wandered and ended up in the Botanical Gardens which turned into a magical experience. We saw the black pine tree that Tolkien loved to sit under and legend has it that it was this tree that inspired him to write Lord of the Rings. I stood in front of that tree and felt its powerful energy flow through me. Tingles running up and down my spine. Asking Tolkien and those who came before him through the spirit of the tree to give me the courage to write what I am meant to write. To put my writing out there even if it “fails”. To accept that sometimes what is defined as failure is actually victory because the failure come in the not doing rather than in trying and not succeeding. To allow me the strength to accept the judgement of those who will read my work and not like it. To accept I will not please everyone at all times. And as I was allowing my thoughts to flow into the tree, I could feel tears stinging the corners of my eyes because I knew I was surrendering all to the ancestors who had gone before by invoking the spirit and creative side of Tolkien through the vast and steadfast roots of the magnificent black pine.

Walking through the Gardens we were blessed with sunshine, large bumble bees, views to die for,

strawberries that tasted like candy, and an array of colours of flowers that looked like something out of a fantasy novel. I felt such inspiration and joy in that garden that whatever troubles I may have felt evaporated in that instant because I knew in the grand scheme of things they were insignificant compared to what life does every single day to survive. Compared to the joys and wonders that are free in life.

Walking through the medicinal section of the Gardens and seeing the natural remedies for everything. The plants used for treatment of malaria, for the treatment of cancer, for the treatment of irritated bowels and understanding that nature takes care of it all when we allow it to. When we surrender to the natural way of living rather than forcing what is not meant to be. The cure is often right there in front of us if we were to just stop and smell the roses. To stop and listen to our inner core. To hear what we are meant to hear.

And then after we finished in the magical garden, we walked across the street to the dock and rented a punt and we punted down the Cherwell River. Like a family out of the romantic era. My husband standing at the stern guiding us with his stick. My daughter at the bow with her paddle feeding the ducks as we punted down the river. Taking in the picturesque scenery as we silently moved down the river. Families picnicking on the riverbanks. Couples holding hands and walking the path. Children squealing and chasing each other. Trees rustling in the breeze. Me lying in the middle of the punt like a queen taking in all of the scenery on either side of us. Feeling do blessed. So free. So indulgent. So grateful.

And then we finished our day last night with a wonderful family dinner. Chatting about the day. Just being in each other’s company at our local restaurant, The Rickety Press. Going to bed last night feeling so grateful for all the blessings in my life. For all that I am and my family. For a wonderful day in the out of doors reminding me about the pleasures and treasures of existing and being. For going with the flow and surrendering to the winds of fate. Allowing them to take us where we were meant to be with gratitude and faith. And for the splendours of yesterday I am truly grateful. 

Thoughts and feelings

Thoughts and feelings are very powerful things. They can take the colour out of a beautiful day. The wind out of our sails. The power out of our belief in self.

They can shift us from feeling on top of the world to being at the bottom looking up at everything and everyone as if they are too heavy to shift. Too much for us to bear.

Thoughts and feelings control the outer version of who we are as we duel with the inner version of who we truly are. They distort our essence self particularly when they are fuelled by the ego. Which is ultimately fuelled by our fears.

Thoughts and feelings dictate our outlook because they become the energy we project. The energy we reflect. Refract. Repel. According to where our thoughts and feelings are at the time.

But when we want the colour back in the day. The sun to shine through again and the wind to lift our sails, it is up to us to shift our thoughts and feelings even when we feel we can’t. Particularly when we feel we can’t because we are being asked by the Universe to learn a lesson. Open to a lesson. Open to compassion. To shift our thoughts and feeling so the world will not be so monochromatic but the bright and vivid one that it truly is.

What we need to accept is that life sometimes will take the wind out of our sails, take the colour out of our world, the power out of self but in doing so it is giving us the opportunity to find them all again. To see them all again. This time from a different perspective and vantage point. This time from a place of understanding, respect and love.

And when we do take heed of the lessons and the blessing that we are not perfect, that our lives will not always be perfect, that our love will not always be perfect then we will not be so hard on ourselves when we react in ways we should not. Then we will not berate ourselves when things don’t go as planned.

Then we will just shift our thoughts and feelings to allow the colour back in our lives, the joy back in our heart, gratitude back into our psyche and when we let go of our ego and invite in love and understanding, our whole outlook shifts. Our whole being opens up. The bars come down. And we invite in love and possibility. Colour and life.

Thoughts and feelings are very powerful things because they help us to see the world from either a monochromatic perspective or from a vivid and bright colours perspective. Full of magic and awe. Full of love. Instead of dread and drudgery. Instead of hate and war.

I like the colours in the world, the sunshine on my face, hope and faith above all us so as much as I am humanly capable I love to look at the world through rose coloured glasses. This way there is little time for me to shut out the possibility and abundance that is there, right here, in this moment for me. No matter how dim it may seem. No matter how grim.  There is always colour and beauty in our world whenever we choose to see it. Namaste.

God only gives us what we can bear Shakira Hunt

I had already written my blog for today when I came across a heartfelt plea from my great niece Shakira Hunt asking for support in her uphill battle to complete University. And after I read it with heavy heart I thought I had to write something just for her. And in doing so realised I was not just writing for her but for all of us that face our darkest days. For all of us who struggle from time to time and see no point in continuing.

Because what I realise as I age and as I look back over the times when I wanted to give up and sometimes did. When I saw no point in continuing and sometimes did. Every single one of those times that I let go of my dream, a short while later someone else did what I let go off. And then I would be frustrated, angry and feel like the world was against me by giving someone else my dream. But you know what the world did nothing. It was I who surrendered my dream to someone else.

No one else can take our dream away from us. Nothing else can take our dreams away from us. The only one who can ever take our dream from us is us. We are the only ones to blame for getting within reach of the finish line but giving up blaming everyone and everything else for our shortcomings. No one or nothing else has the power over us until we surrender our power to them.

Hard as it may seem and as cruel as it may seem, everything that happens in our lives happens for us not to us. I remember a time when I was about my great niece’s age many years ago, I felt like my burden was too heavy to bear. Everything I touched seemed to turn sour. Everywhere I turned doors were slamming in my face. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cease to exist. Thinking at least then life would not matter because mine would be over.

And during that time I called upon one of my favourite teachers. Crying.  And bearing my soul to her. A woman I had not spoken to in years but a woman who was in my life at around the time I lost my mother and I remembered how much better she made me feel. How much she validated me during my time of trial so I called out to her and she answered without question, without judgement and she told me, “God only gives us what we can bear.”

“How much more can I bear?” I answered.

“Only you and God know that. And when your trials are done, you will look back on this period and see why you had to experience what you did.”

At the time I was not satisfied with her explanation. But as I age and as I face trial upon trial and doors that slam in my face. As I watch dreams slip out of my hands into the hands of others, I realise that if I want to live my life, I truly have to live it even in those days when there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. I know everything that is happening in my life is what I have invited into it and if I don’t like it or want it, it is up to me to change my reaction to it by either accepting it for what it is and working through it or walking away and letting it go.

So to my beautiful great niece who is feeling like her burdens are too heavy to carry, what you have to decide is whether the burdens you are carrying are truly yours and if they are then you need to go for it no matter what. And if they are everyone else’s burdens then you need to surrender them back to them so you can carry your own.

Life always give us what we need. Not what we want. Good luck with your trials and your burdens. Remember if it is your dream and your dream alone, don’t let it slip through your hands into the hands of someone else. Namaste my beautiful and strong niece, you are nearing the finish line and I’ll be there along with all those who are supporting you waiting for you to cross the line with pride and joy.

Accepting I am a miracle

Lovely way to start the day again with Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey in a new 21 day Meditation Challenge. I love these challenges because they challenge me to  access something about myself I have suppressed unconsciously and allows it to flow back into my conscious.

What I rediscovered when I repeated the message of the day is Today I am open to the presence of miracles because I realised with great certainty that I am a miracle. A living and breathing miracle. Namaste Chopra and Oprah for helping me to see and realise I don't have to wait to be a miracle because I already am a miracle.

I was sent here as a miracle to help to see and hear the miracles that occur every single day of my normal life such as waking up in the morning. The fact that I breathe. Walk. Talk. Can lift things. Can remember things. The fact that I exist is a miracle as is the case with you. With us. With all of us.

Each one of us is a living and breathing miracle. And once we accept we are miracles we will discover the miracles that take place every single day in our lives. Birthing. Creation. Trees that grow. Flowers that bloom. The sun rising and setting. Rainbows after the rain. The rain. The Atmosphere. Earth.  Cars that drive. Bird that fly. Airplanes that fly through the sky. Ships that float on the ocean.

Electricity created by us to power our world. Taps that bring us water. Food that grows as sustenance for our survival. Each a miracle of its own accord. When we see the simplicity of miracles we learn that life is full of miracles because we are miracles and because we are miracles we create even more miracles.

If we spent half as much time accepting the simple daily miracles that occur as we do trying to find the next greatest miracle, we would open ourselves to so much more possibility because we would know that the greatest and most profound miracles are the simplest and most mundane acts that occur every single day.

And for the first meditation mantra of “Om” and the first thought of the 21 day meditation challenge reminding me that “today I am open to the presence of miracles”, I am truly grateful. What a blessing it is to know I am open to miracles when I accept I am a miracle. A living and breathing miracle. How powerful is that. How empowering is that thought. Knowing nothing is outside of my reach as long as I know and accept I already am a miracle. As are you. As are we. As are us all. Namaste.

Watching our children blossom before our eyes

This weekend my husband and I have watched both of our children blossoming before our eyes. Both of them experiencing a totally different city, culture and space to our own and loving every minute of it. Our daughter saying how much she loves London and now Oxford. The excitement. The people.

She told us she loved taking the tube. The more the better. According to my husband our daughter got very disappointed when they had to stay on one train the whole way of their journey. She loved hopping on and off the tube. Being amongst all the people. Going places and the escalators didn’t phase her in the least. As a matter of fact she wanted to be the first one on the escalators every time.

And then our London portion of our trip culminated in our daughter preforming in a Mama Mia production put on by her one week summer camp at the Sylvia Young Theatre School. To say my husband and I were surprised by the quality of the production is an understatement. Particularly since the camp was only for one week. The children from all parts of the world were en sync and seemed to thoroughly enjoy themselves.

We watched in awe as our daughter came into her own on the stage. Not in the least bit nervous to be amongst children she was a bit shy of just five days before. We saw our little girl who came home the first night disappointed that she did not get that many lines and was anxious to leave the camp grow into a young lady who decided to show the camp director what she had and the other children to have her role grow into several lines throughout the whole play. And by the end of the week had girls running up to hug her and tell her good bye. Girls exchanging contact details so they could keep in touch with each other. Strangers no more but kindred spirits who helped each other to put on a fantastic production.

We were so proud of our daughter for turning a bad situation into what then worked to her advantage. For seeing first hand that the only person that was holding her back was herself. For stepping into her own shoes and becoming what she thought she was capable of becoming in that week. Taking on the challenge of establishing herself in a land and amongst people foreign to herself and going for it while loving every aspect of it. We were and still are proud of her.

Then we got on the train to come to Oxford later that afternoon to see our wayward son. Yesterday we went to see him in his dorm room and were stunned to see how much he has grown in the week since we had last seen him. Now he is almost looking his father in the eyes. His voice deeper than when we last spoke with him. An independence coming from him since he had been left by us to experience dorm life. A maturity radiating from his inner core that was not there before.

Me wanting to stay in his room for as long as we could but sensing he wanted us to leave so he could get on with what he had intended to do that afternoon. Feeling him slipping away slowly but surely now that he has tasted freedom and knows he can get by on his own. Walking away from him slowly shutting the door but not before asking him if he needed his mommy for anything more.

His eyes meeting mine with a glimmer of amusement but not wanting to hurt my feelings saying, “I’m okay. Love you. Bye.” Closing the door and leaving him to get on with the remaining week of his programme.

Leading me to think how much joy our children get out of experiencing. Without our influence. Them being allowed to develop their own tastes. Their own thoughts and belief. Their own selves. Imagine if because I was so afraid of escalators I had not allowed my daughter to ride an escalator. I would have cheated her out of the experience of riding the tube and she would never have known just how much she loves being on the tube. And escalators for that matter.

And then knowing I had to close the door and let my son continue to grow even though all I wanted to do was stay and do his laundry and clean his room and make sure his homework was done. But he didn’t want me to do any of those things. He wanted to do things in his own fashion. So I had to let go. To let him go. So he can learn and grow of his own accord. Not of mine.

Helping me to accept we need to change our scenery from time to time to broaden our own horizons. To allow ourselves to get out of our comfort zones and challenge ourselves so we can see what it is we want out of life and what we don’t. What we are capable of handling and what we aren’t. And that also means we have to allow our children to do the same.

But above all else we have to be authentic to who we are and what we like because in doing so we allow our children to develop into their authentic selves by seeing we are doing the same. And the more we expose them the better of they will be. As shall we. Grateful for experiencing and letting go. Grateful for being a mother and a wife and a woman who is always learning and experiencing, Namaste.