Yesterday I was having an exchange with a friend about my
blog the day before. The one where I laid out all my vulnerabilities and fears.
The one where I needed and wanted to release my inhibitions that may be keeping
me back from being my authentic self. My friend sent me a message to say she was glad my blog yesterday sounded more positive.
And my response to her is that I am starting to feel my
mortality. The fact that I am not going to be here forever. And I am
questioning and examining whether I am doing what I was sent here to do.
Questioning whether I am doing enough. Being enough. Whether I am walking in
the right shoes.
And what has created this angst for me is the fact that I
will be fifty this year. A decade my mother never reached so maybe I am putting undue pressure on myself to do
more. To be more. To live the life my mother never did.
In addition, I am also reeling from the deaths of people who,
to me, had a vibrancy about them. Who seemed to be so positive. So grateful. So
full of promise. Yet they are dying. So it makes me worry that for them to die
so young, and I guess young is a relative term because teenagers think people my
age are ancient, there must be a reason. And I am questioning whether their
deaths are to remind me of my mortality. To remind me to live. To be. To
remind me I am a human being not God. So I am trying to learn from them. Hear
their message. And examine all aspects of who I am.
And in doing so I, have to go to the darkest and most hidden
places of myself. To understand what I don’t want as well as what I do. And
travelling to those places forces me to question, to search, to doubt. To fear.
My journey is also helping to me understand I am truly
moving into the golden age of my life. To the age where wisdom trumps folly.
Where the sage in me is meant to emerge more than the jester. Or so I believe. Hoping
I am not suppressing the me that it meant to emerge because I am trying too
hard to be something or someone I am not.
I may be going through a midlife crisis. I don’t know what a
midlife crisis feels like but all I know is I am examining my life and trying
to determine if this is the life I am meant to lead. I am questioning and meditating
and doing courses and talking to people and letting out my emotions because I don’t
want to bottle them up anymore. I don’t want to pretend anymore. I want to be
my authentic self and feel confident and secure in knowing I am who I am meant
to be.
There is nothing wrong with me for doing this and I hope I
am not making others feel afraid or think I am being negative because I am not.
And I don’t feel sorry for myself either so you don’t have to worry about that
part of me. No it’s the exact opposite actually, I feel like I am on the verge
of something. That something I don’t know what yet. But I feel this path I am
taking. The path of questioning, doubt and fear is actually helping me to grow.
It is frightening to expose my vulnerabilities and fears
because I know there are those who love to exploit them for their own gain but
there is nothing I can do to change that. Nothing at all. Except do what feels
right to me in the moment. And that’s what I am doing.
So don’t cry for me my friends. And don’t worry. I am on a
journey of love and light and sometimes that light creates doubt and confusion
in order to make way for the new. It’s just I am sharing my journey for others
in case they are on the same path. So they will know they are not alone and I
will know I am not alone. So we can help each other to grow. To flourish and to
embrace all that is us – darkness and light, ,
being and doing, questioning and answering, fear and love. to embrace the uncertainty because the only certainty in life is the uncertainty particularly when we are growing.
So instead of calling it a midlife crisis maybe I will reframe my experience to call it a midlife awakening. Feels better already. Namaste
So instead of calling it a midlife crisis maybe I will reframe my experience to call it a midlife awakening. Feels better already. Namaste
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