Embracing my ego

I am really starting to panic that time is running out for me. That I am not doing what I am meant to be doing. That life is passing me by and I am standing on the sidelines watching it speed by. Wondering why I am not in its flow. Wondering why I am wondering instead of doing.

I am nearing the end of my life rather than the beginning. I probably have less years left in my life than I have lived and still I feel like that little girl deep down inside. That little girl who has stars in her eyes and believes that life is full of magic. Expecting the magic to come along and change things and shape her into her dream. But the adult in me tells me not to expect magic to do anything. The only person that can do anything is me. There are no fairies. No leprechauns. No genies that will come along and change my life.

I know these things but yet I have no idea what to do next. Am I meant to continue with the status quo? Am I meant to start doing things differently? I wish I knew what I chose to come here to do. I wish I knew so I could get out of my own way. Do the things I chose to do. And be satisfied with my lot.

Learn to be present and enjoy my life rather than projecting into what isn't  Learn to stop feeling like my life is passing me by and step into the flow of it because I have the ability to do that. Lately I am not sleeping. I am awake every two hours with thoughts buzzing through my head. Thoughts about why there are so many people I know who are dying suddenly or at a relatively young age. Afraid that it could be me. Afraid that I will end my days disappointed about my life. Afraid of being afraid.

Asking myself if I were to die tomorrow would I be proud of my life? Would I feel like I had contributed to society and to my family and to myself? Would I honestly be able to say this is the life I had envisioned I would be living?

When I ask myself these things I realize I have never envisioned my life. I have usually just gone with the flow. That whenever I try to direct my life too much. Put too much emphasis on one aspect of my life with all my will that’s when it does not work out. So is that the sort of life I am meant to be living? A life where I stop thinking too hard about what I don’t have and focus on all that I do have. Show gratitude for each breath that I take. Rather than focusing on what I didn't do.

Stop panicking about not living and just live. Stop dreaming about what I want and just do. The frightening part is the do. How do I do the do? Am I having a midlife crisis? Am I allowing ego to control me? Am I holding on too much to what I own, what I claim? Rather than focusing on the silence.

And then this morning I was led to a Deepak Chopra mediation led by Davidji where he helped me to connect with my consciousness. Allowing me to embrace being present. Totally. To listen to my mind. My silence. The silence. Filling with gratitude. Allowing me to tap into my ego, the choices I make. To own my ego. To focus on what I own.

Some schools say kill the ego but he says embrace it. The more I understand what I own, what I claim then I will make better choices because I will understand the why. The dichotomy I have faced is trying to get rid of my ego but ego is what is me. What drives me. Crazy but true so today I will celebrate my ego. Make friends with it to understand why I do the things I do. And see where I am led.