I realized I've been manifesting many things without
realizing I have. A revelation that has shaken me up. Leaving me puzzled about
why I am manifesting some things. But the one prize I have desired for quite
some time has been eluding me. Toying with me. Taunting me. Leaving me questioning why. Is it because I truly do not believe I am worthy
of the prize? Is it because I am in the midst of learning more, teaching more,
seeking more in order to be in the frame of mind to allow me to accept that
prize? Without question. Without guilt.
I have had a wonderful weekend of total surrender. A weekend
where I allowed myself to just be. To stare at the moon as I did last night in gratitude
and awe of its beauty. Watching clouds obscure it then pass on by. Watching its
light flicker. Watching it shining majestically from its perch in the sky.
Filled with wonder and love with this beautiful place we call our world, our
universe.
I surrendered to being in the moment every single moment of
the day. Spent the day on Saturday chatting with a friend of mine about the
fears I am facing – about seeing my life flash before my eyes. Reaching an epiphany
with her I had not fully recognized until I spoke the words to her. Acknowledging to her and to myself that my life
seemed to alter in a way I still don’t understand
when I watched my dad snake down the hill to the hospital to see my mother.
Only for him to return to let us know she had gone forever from our lives. My
life. Never to return.
Is that the point in my life when I began this process of self
sabotage? Of believing I was unworthy
because if I was worthy enough, my mother would never have been taken from me. Of
believing if I was too successful , somehow
I would have to pay for that success as I paid when my mother was snatched from
me overnight? Is this why I keep dancing around my prize because I’m afraid of
what can happen? Of what and whom I will invite in?
I looked at the beautiful full moon last night. Staring at
it for a long time. Declaring to the
Universe I am ready now – ready to give and receive that which is rightfully
mine. Ready to embrace the fact that I am the miracle I was sent here to be.
That I am love and light, peace and forgiveness, worthy of all the gifts to be bestowed
upon me. With gratitude and abandon. Without question. I am ready.
Watching the light of the moon getting brighter with each
declaration. Less clouds covering its face. Allowing me to fully see its light.
The universal and unforsaken light of all that is. Filling me with wonder and
awe and possibility. Filling me with gratitude and love and light. Filling me
with the life force I sometimes take for granted. Filling me up in ways I
cannot even begin to describe. Letting me know it is time for me to embrace and
acknowledge I am ready. And I am. Ready.
And for receiving this
powerful blessing of all knowing, I am truly and honestly grateful. Amen.
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