When will we ever learn that we cannot change anyone but ourselves? Why are we attracted to people that irritate us the most? Why do we become frustrated when we can't change the person who is trying to change us? What are relationships all about. How does the law of attraction really work?
I try to practise positive affirmations every single day. Positive thoughts but still, as an infallible human being, I am drawn to the dark side over and over again with my thoughts. The minute I think I have made it to the mountaintop with my positive thoughts, a dark one comes and swipes me off the mountain. Forcing me to begin anew again. And again. The same demons confronting me over and over again.
How many times must I climb to the top of the mountain? At what point does the reward come? Or does it come but I just don't recognise it for what it is. Why are the people who are the closet to us our greatest challenges? At what point does the jockeying for balance stop and reach its equilibrium? Or is the equilibrium always challenged because we are always growing? Is there such a thing as equilibrium for human beings such as ourselves?
All kinds of questions this morning with no real solutions because I am being challenged by many aspects of my life right now. I am being asked to examine who I am and who I am not from a profound level. Challenges I can't escape or dismiss because they are there with me at every step of the way. And I am finding the more I ignore them, the larger they become. Almost as if I am feeding them. Fueling them.
I feel as if I am being asked to figure out what happens next with my life and who will be journeying with me in this next phase of my life. And I am afraid to make certain decisions because I am afraid I will hurt myself and people along the way. But at what point do we realise that sometimes we change so much that people who were important to us have become burdens rather than allies?
How do we know when our time is done with certain situations and people? How do we really know? Do we go to that place of silence and listen to our inner intentions and compasses to see where they direct us? What if we don't like the answer that comes back? What do we do then? Do we continue to fight with ourselves? What about the consequences of our actions? Who will ultimately be hurt at the end of the day? Our decisions have a ripple effect on our lives. Not just for ourselves but for those who are intimately involved with us as well.
Yesterday I watched the middle and end of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein and was confronted with the same issue that has been circling in my mind. An unlikely place to be given a message but one I received nonetheless. And the message was when we are so intent on creating an impossible dream, we create a nightmare instead. Sometimes when we continue on even when we have been forewarned, we destroy what brings us joy. Especially when we push aside those we love, we will discover that which we create will ultimately destroy all that we are and all that we love. So we have to be careful about what our intentions and dreams really are and listen to our inner voices and feelings because our instincts are always right.
It is a stormy Monday morning mirroring the dilemna going on inside me. It could be stormier as the East Cost of the US is now facing. It could be calmer as other parts of the world are experiencing but it is what is for me and I have to accept and be grateful for the small blessings today. My life could be stormier and I could be more lost but I recognise I am searching, seeking the answers to my life. Seeking the answers to allow me to feel more settled. To give me the strength to grasp on to the inner light that is always there shining for me whenever I am ready to grasp it. Recognising I am human, infallible, and imperfect. Prone and designed to make mistakes but hopefully learning the lessons I am meant to from them.
Knowing from a deeper level that as long as I accept I am who I am without question then even on the darkest day, the stormiest of weather I will always find my inner harbour of peace, love and light because I am all the questions and answers. Because I am all that I am.
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