Friends

This morning I woke up with the strong desire to reach out to all those friends I have not been in contact with for quite some time. Friends that were there for me when I needed them the most. When I was going through tough times. Friends who were just friends and meant a lot to me at certain times of my life. Friends who disappeared out of my life once our time was done. But friends, nonetheless, who I feared could have been impacted by Sandy.

I even emailed a few of them to just let them know I am thinking of them and their families. Not knowing if they would ever receive my email but just sending it. Doing something felt better than doing nothing at all.

Within seconds two of the emails I sent to people who were very near and dear to me for quite some time during my University years bounced back telling me their addresses failed permanently. Sending a sense of foreboding through me. Making me question whether they were okay. Had they moved? Had their lives changed dramatically? Worrying about them. Hoping they are okay. Wishing I had stayed in contact more. Wishing I knew where they are.

Sitting back afterwards and questioning why it takes a tragedy or devastation to bring us all back together. To bring friends back into the forefront of our minds. Why don’t we take seriously the time we have with each other before something horrible happens? How and why do we lose contact with people we love, have loved or meant the world to us for a time? Why do people come and go in our lives just like the season but their memory always remains? Why does this happen?

I am thinking of all my friends today. Friends who have remained in my life. Friends that have come and gone. Friends that come and go. Friends that have become enemies for a time. But now understanding deep down they are still very much a part of my life because they came into it for a reason. For us to learn something from each other. To make us better people if we are able to forgive allowing us to grow from the experience.

To those friends I have lost contact with along the way, I treasure the time we had together and I am grateful our paths crossed when they did. To those friends that come and go, I honour you. To the friends that remain, I am truly grateful for your presence.

But more importantly my friends,  I know I am a reflection of you as are you of me. Mirrors of each other in this journey called life. Attracted to each other to help us grow  Sometimes easily and other times not. But for all of you, I am truly and utterly grateful.

The Morning After

This morning I got up thinking about all those devastating photos and images I saw last night on the television as a result of the destructive path of Sandy. I stood at the window looking out at the full moon shining brightly down lighting up the otherwise dark morning and felt gratitude spreading through me. I whispered a thank you to the Universe for sparing my Island home and my family and everyone I know in Bermuda from the wrath of Sandy. I walked into my office and looked out the window and saw a sky full of stars and listened to the silence of the morning. And whispered thank you again.

It’s amazing what a difference a day can make. The sound of the howling wind has now been replaced by the sound of silence. The dark and menacing sky has now been replaced by stars and a big bright full moon. The feeling of hopelessness now replaced by hope.

And then I sat and started to type on my own computer at my own desk for the first time in nearly two weeks and I felt a surge of power. A surge of faith. A surge of gratitude. A surge of peace spread through me as I inhaled and exhaled.

I started first by looking at all the photographs of the destruction that had been left in Sandy’s path. I could not believe some of the images. Could not believe that a city as mighty as I thought New York was could be facing such damage. I always thought of a large city as being indestructible. That I would be safer there than I am on my exposed Island in the middle of the North Atlantic. But what I realize is when Mother Nature comes calling, it doesn’t matter where you are, if she is somehow obstructed she will destroy. That no matter how strong we may build buildings they are nothing compared to her strength and wrath. I watched buildings collapsing, cars floating down flooded roads, subways, buildings flooding. Trees breaking. Explosions. Fires. Deserted streets.

And then I tore myself away from the images and said a silent prayer for all those who have been affected by the record breaking storm. For all those who lost their lives and their families left behind to grieve. For all those who may not be able to go back home for quite some time due to damage. For all those who will be without power and amenities they are so used to having. And then I sat.

I felt a strange sense of silence engulf me after my prayer. That same sense that comes after experiencing a hurricane here. That sense of awe at the power of all we cannot control. Of all that can come lashing down on us wreaking havoc and destruction then pass us by engulfing us in silence. Then  I said a silent thank you to the Divine and the Universe for all those who have been spared. For all those who have been given another day. For all of us who were able to watch the power of Nature and to remember just how fortunate we are to be here for another day.

Again I sat for a moment in silence. In reverence to all that is. All that was. And all that will ever be. Knowing there are far greater powers than I will ever understand or be able to control. Accepting our lives are connected by a life force unexplained.  Thinking about all the wonderful prayers that spread throughout social media sending positive energy to all those who were affected by the storm. Gratitude in knowing that despite all the damage, within the human consciousness remained our interconnected nature of wishing peace and harmony to those we don’t even know. That when the time is right we can be a peaceful and loving race.

To all the survivors of Sandy, my thoughts and prayers are with you as you recover from her wrath. May our faith be restored by the restorative nature of our Universe.  May we remember the peace and harmony that was spread during the dread. And may we appreciate the dawn of a new day and the sound of silence.

Remembering always there is the morning after for those of us who are meant to remain. Remembering to surrender to all that is, was and ever will be. In gratitude for the calm after the storm.

More questions than answers today

When will we ever learn that we cannot change anyone but ourselves? Why are we attracted to people that irritate us the most? Why do we become frustrated when we can't change the person who is trying to change us? What are relationships all about. How does the law of attraction really work?
I try to practise  positive affirmations every single day. Positive thoughts but still, as an infallible human being, I am drawn to the dark side over and over again with my thoughts. The minute I think I have made it to the mountaintop with my positive thoughts, a dark one comes and swipes me off the mountain. Forcing me to begin anew again. And again. The same demons confronting me over and over again.
How many times must I climb to the top of the mountain? At what point does the reward come? Or does it come but I just don't recognise it for what it is. Why are the people who are the closet to us our greatest challenges? At what point does the jockeying for balance stop and reach its equilibrium? Or is the equilibrium always challenged because we are always growing? Is there such a thing as equilibrium for human beings such as ourselves?
All kinds of questions this morning with no real solutions because I am being challenged by many aspects of my life right now. I am being asked to examine who I am and who I am not from a profound level. Challenges I can't escape or dismiss because they are there with me at every step of the way. And I am finding the more I ignore them, the larger they become. Almost as if I am feeding them. Fueling them.
I feel as if I am being asked to figure out what happens next with my life and who will be journeying with me in this next phase of my life. And I am afraid to make certain decisions because I am afraid I will hurt myself and people along the way. But at what point do we realise that sometimes we change so much that people who were important to us have become burdens rather than allies?
How do we know when our time is done with certain situations and people? How do we really know? Do we go to that place of silence and listen to our inner intentions and compasses to see where they direct us? What if we don't like the answer that comes back? What do we do then? Do we continue to fight with ourselves? What about the consequences of our actions? Who will ultimately be hurt at the end of the day? Our decisions have a ripple effect on our lives. Not just for ourselves but for those who are intimately involved with us as well.
Yesterday I watched the middle and end of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein and was confronted with the same issue that has been circling in my mind. An unlikely place to be given a message but one I received nonetheless. And the message was when we are so intent on creating an impossible dream, we create a nightmare instead. Sometimes when we continue on even when we have been forewarned, we destroy what brings us joy. Especially when we push aside those we love, we will discover that which we create will ultimately destroy all that we are and all that we love. So we have to be careful about what our intentions and dreams really are and listen to our inner voices and feelings because our instincts are always right.
It is a stormy Monday morning mirroring the dilemna going on inside me. It could be stormier as the East Cost of the US is now facing. It could be calmer as other parts of the world are experiencing but it is what is for me and I have to accept and be grateful for the small blessings today. My life could be stormier and I could be more lost but I recognise I am searching, seeking the answers to my life. Seeking the answers to allow me to feel more settled. To give me the strength to grasp on to the inner light that is always there shining for me whenever I am ready to grasp it. Recognising I am human, infallible, and imperfect. Prone and designed to make mistakes but hopefully learning the lessons I am meant to from them.
Knowing from a deeper level that as long as I accept I am who I am without question then even on the darkest day, the stormiest of weather I will always find my inner harbour of peace, love and light because I am all the questions and answers. Because I am all that I am.

Hope from a brewing storm

Woke up this morning. My daughter wrapped around me. My husband snoring. And just stayed in bed. Feeling empty. Restless. Worried. About what I didn't know  But there was this strange feeling of not knowing what to do. Too much to do. But not knowing where or how to start.
Surprised by the light of the morning. Fully expecting to see darkness and to hear rain. But there was that glimmer of hope in the light of the morning. That glimmer of possibility. But I did not get up. Instead I stayed there savouring the feeling of security and comfort I felt. But then my husband got up. Still frustrated with our Internet issues. I could feel his energy was still uptight. And instantly I took on his energy. My anxiety increasing.
Worrying because my daughter wants us to bake together for a Halloween party we are going to later today. Thinking my plans were super ambitious for what I had decided to make. Telling myself I need to just go with the flow and do what I could.
Checking the list in my head about the things I need to do today. My son's school trousers were not ready yesterday when I went to pick them up. Thinking about the shopkeeper telling me they had been so busy that they did not get to my son's trousers when they had assured me when I bought them they would have them ready for me by yesterday. Angry that I have to interrupt my baking day with my daughter to get my son's trousers. Thinking of how I will fit it all in.
Thinking the longer I stayed in bed, the less time I would have to accomplish all my tasks. So I threw back the covers and got out of bed. Walked into the bathroom and opened the blinds to look outside. And there before me was a stormy and blustery morning. Mirroring my feelings. And then I paused. Mesmerised by the trees swaying and bending in the breeze. Holding strong despite being buffeted around. Leaves swirling almost like they were doing a dance. Holding up despite the force of the wind. Moving with the wind. Curling and furling.Not resisting and I knew instantly I was being sent a message once again from the Divine.
I felt joy spreading through me as I realised I was witnessing something very profound. Even when we are facing the greatest trials and tribulations, just like those trees in the wind, it is up to us to stand tall but to bend and flex and go with the flow. When we try to resist. When we try to go against the flow. That's when we snap and break  That's when our leaves, our plans, our dreams break because we don't dance in the flow.
Tears forming in my eyes as I watched the dance of the trees in the wind. And then the rain came. Hard and fast. almost like it was washing away my resistance. Cleansing me of my fears and worries. Listening to the rain pelting against the windows and inhaled the message I received. Exhaling I pulled open all the blinds so I wouldn't forget the storm brewing outside assaulting the trees and leaves. So I won't forget those trees are still standing and the leaves are still dancing. Despite the wind and rain. They are still there. Still standing. Still bending. Going with the flow. As shall I.

Connected to the world again - hallelujah

This week has been an extremely challenging week because we had no access to the Internet. My husband finally got to the bottom of our problem yesterday after refusing to give up. And because of him, we are partially back up again using old fashioned remote dial in with a new cable provider of Internet service. I came home last night to new holes in the wall to allow the new cables into our home and a very satisfied husband. His computer up and running with the only access we have as a family to the Internet.
At first I was a little disappointed my computer was not connected because I so wanted to sit at my own desk, on my own computer, feeling the rhythm of my own keys as I type my blog but then I decided to just surrender to the moment. To allow my husband to savour his success. To feel proud of what he had managed to accomplish over nearly a week of trying to uncover the mystery of why we had been cut off from the Internet. To also give myself one more night of going to bed at a reasonable hour.
And when I did surrender I realised just how much I have to be grateful for. A husband who refused to take no for an answer from our previous Internet cabling company. Who is tenacious enough to keep going until he found a solution to our problem. Who is resourceful enough to have the tools to channel into the walls to allow the new cable through. And on top of that to be grateful we are once again connected to the outside world and it should not matter that we can't all access the Internet at the same time. Recognising we are moving in the right direction now and we are no longer stuck. Hallelujah.
Recognisng that sometimes we neglect to be grateful for all we have on a daily basis because we want so much more. Even if we have more than we thought we ever would. Just the morning before I was praying to get the Internet back. And last night we got it back. The Universe delivered on my prayer just not in the way I had expected. Proving to me that our prayers are always answered when they come from a place of certainty in our hearts but just not always the way we had envisioned.
So this morning I am sitting at my husband's desk typing my blog on a large screen. Not exactly as I had envisioned being back on my own computer. But acknowledging and accepting typing my blog this morning is a lot easier than it was for the past week.No more straining my eyes. No more damaging my nails on the tiny keyboard of my blackberry. No more getting frustrated when the touchscreen on my blackberry moves before I could finish a thought.
Gratitude flooding through me because of how easy it is to see the full screen of my thoughts and to have access to the Internet. Gratitude for being able to post more efficiently than I was able to without access to a large screen.
Shifting my mindset from scarcity to abundance and embracing the fact that I have so much to be grateful for from just the simple luxuries of having access to a full screen, a larger keyboard and Internet access again. Luxuries I had before but took for granted because they were a part of my everyday existence. But now recognizing just how important my every day luxuries are because without them I was lost. Knowing now to not take my everyday for granted. To appreciate every aspect of my everyday because each part of it is a luxury no matter how insignificant it may seem. And for these lessons and for having access to the Internet once again, I am truly grateful.

Finding our bliss

I was saving this blog until I got the Internet back. Saving it for the time when I am seated at my desk writing my blog from my writing zone but then I realised it could be ages before that time comes. And while the thought is still fresh in my head and because it won't leave me, I decided to convey the message that is coming from a deep place within me about a documentary my Spiritual Mother lent me to watch. The documentary is called Finding Joe.
It is based on the teachings and beliefs of a man called Joseph Campbell. The premise of the documentary and Campbell's philosophy is about finding our bliss.
And rather than interpreting his philosophy I have decided to use some of the quotes that most resonated with me and they are as follows:
"Your bliss is your ultimate journey -  the thing you can not do."

If you go into the forest and there is already a trail then you know it's not your path because someone else has already done it. Find your own trail, your own path.

Ask yourself, what am I here to do?

"Follow your bliss."

Listen to your heart and find your truth.

"When you follow your bliss the Universe will open doors where there were only walls."

Why do most people not follow their bliss? According to Campbell, it's because we are worried about what people think of us so his philosophy is, "What will they think of me must be put aside for my bliss."

There are two roads in life:
1. The red road - tougher, narrower
2. The black road - straight, wide, easy.
Whichever road we take is our choice.

The one thing that keeps people smaller is fear. We each have our own dragon to slay. To get around this we have to stop anticipating what we will find. Instead we just have to go for it.

Fear is an inherent part of the human cycle. Courage is dealing with our fears. Courage is the ability to get up when we have fallen.

When we stop fighting ourselves, we open ourselves to possibility.

All that matters is how big we showed up and how courageous we were.

And that was the end of the messages that resonated with me after watching Finding Joe. Strong messages I obviously needed to be reminded of leaving me to believe the documentary could have been titled Finding Cathy or Finding anyone because each of us is trying to find our own bliss. That which we have been sent here to do. And I am so grateful to have found mine with writing and spreading love and light, peace, harmony and compassion. A gift I must continue to harness because without Bliss what is there to this life?

Here's to Finding and Living our Bliss.

An unexpected gift in the face of adversity

This week has been an  odd one for me. One full of surprises and different paths. Starting out with no Internet and looking like a solution today will be a stretch as well.
People I have not seen nor heard from in a while have popped back into my life. Invitations coming from the strangest places and from unexpected people.
My writing choppy because I am writing on a blackberry therefore I can't see what I am writing and the feel is different on my fingers. Sending different vibrations through my body. Releasing endorphins dissimilar to the ones that normally set me on a writing journey where I have no control over where I will end up. The last few days my writing coming from a place of desperation to prove I can still do it because I feel like something or someone is conspiring against me by cutting of my Internet.
Some of my responses to people have not been the same. Not coming from a place of peace for me but rather a place of defensiveness. Not developed but reactionary. Forcing me to think about my week and why I am being set on a completely different path to the one I thought I would be on. Realising with certainty that I am experiencing a different level of growth. A different perspective on life so I can see things objectively and from a place I do not feel comfortable.
I realised this week I have been forced out of all that is familiar to me so that I can see the everyday opportunities that are right in front of my face every single day but because I have been on a familiar path I have overlooked them. Dismissed them even believing they are not important to my development. Not instrumental in getting me to where I would like to be. Believing they can't be because they are ordinary not extraordinary. Understanding it is the ordinary often that leads to the extraordinary. Recognising that all too often,  we are so focussed on the end result we overlook the ordinary treasures that can unlock so much of what we need in our lives.
And what I am learning is that I am indeed very resourceful. Very tenacious and not afraid to fall on my face every once in a while and therefore I have to open myself to paths that are unfamiliar. To not be afraid when that path leads me where I did not expect to go. To let go of expectation. And to just do it because I will never know unless I try. I will never discover what feels right for me if I am unwilling to try on something I had dismissed before giving it a chance.
I am also learning that sometimes it takes time to understand our new direction. That we falter when we become impatient and veer of the path just when the tangled woods begin to clear. Just when the end is coming into view because we get tired of fighting the tangles.
This whole Internet debacle has been sent to me for a reason and has lasted for nearly a week for a reason. And it is to let me know that just because I can't access my everyday routines doesn't mean I can't start new routines. That I can't find solutions and alternatives to the problems I am having. That all I need to do is ask for guidance then surrender so I can hear and feel what needs to come next. And this morning when I woke up with thousands of thoughts bombarding my mind. Fear threatening to overpower me. Ego nearly winning. I decided to just surrender. To look out the window at the dark morning sky.
And there before me was an ordinary gift to behold. The dark morning sky was filled with an abundance of stars twinkling. Magic in the ordinary producing an extraordinary feeling for me. Filling me to the brim with abundance, possibility and love. Knowing I am a part of a universe that provides such splendour even in our darkest hour. Breathing in the abundance and bliss ever present in my life. Allowing the gratitude to spread throughout my being and allowing it to flow back out into the Universe to allow another to feel its flow. Exhaling as a smile erupted from a place deep within me.
Knowing and accepting I am definitely experiencing a turning point in my life and it is up to me to decide which way I am going to go - the road less travelled or the one travelled too often. Whichever I choose, the choice is mine and mine alone. And for this lesson I am truly grateful. Amen.

Patience is truly a Virtue

My patience is really being tested this morning. I am now finding I am in some sort of cat and mouse game with the Internet. I am having to walk around the house to find pockets where I can get Internet access. My normal sanctuary for writing is off limits. No Internet access - not even on my blackberry.
For some reason we are being plunged into an information void. I feel like we are in a black hole with some sort of gravitational pull that is being thrust upon us for reasons I don't understand. We have had every techie reviewing our problem and everyone is stumped. Then to wake up this mornoing to find I am now getting spotty Internet service from my blackberry is really causing me to become paranoid.
What in the world is the Universe trying to tell me? I am standing in the dark in the corner of my Laundry room looking out at the dark morning sky trying to understand the lesson I am meant to get from this torture. Staring at Venus the lone light in the otherwise black sky and asking her for guidance. For the strength to not become too much of a cynic. To accept that sometimes I will not always understand where I'm going or why the truth is being hidden from me but as long as I have faith, patience and the ability to surrender the darkness will be replaced with the light.
And even if I have to keep moving around until I find a path that allows me access to the place I need, then at least I will know it is okay to move. To understand and accept it is okay to do what I need to get me closer to where I am meant to be because sometimes the answer is not black and white. Sometimes it's grey.
Just like I found a spot in my laundry that has given me a portal to the Internt, I am learning there is always a spot for us to find the portal to our innermost desires. And sometimes it's under the most trying circumstances because only then are we able to access waht we truly need because we are forced to think and operate outside of our comfort zones.
And for this trying lesson I am truly grateful. But I would still really like the Internet back now. Please.

Against all odds

A whole weekend without the Internet and the most bizarre thing is no one knows why we have been cut off. All the signals are there. By all accounts we  are signed on to the Internet but we just can't open any pages. it's like we can see the Internet and it can see us but we aren't speaking the same language so we can't communicate with each other. Very strange. So I have resorted to writing my blog on my blackberry because I need to write. to express my thoughts. to put them out there.
Writing is my bliss. My main portal to my soul. And this blog has become a vital part of me accessing that portal. Without it and my morning ritual I feel lost. So rather than feeling lost I have decided to use whatever means I can to tap into my innermost feelings. To fuel my desire to write.
And what is emerging for me is an invaluable lesson. Too often we find excuses for not achieving our dreams or goals. Too often we allo the obstacles in the way to deter us from accomplishing what we know we are capable of achieving. Too often we wait for the perfect time, the perfect conditions and the perfect place to do what we need to do. When what we ought to be doing is just doing it.
Just going for it. Forgetiing about the mistakes along he way which incidentally may be exactly what we need to find our true path. To see that it is okay to do what we have to do even when it is difficult to accomplish our dreams. When all seems impossible. Particularly when we are being challenged the most. It is those times that let us know we are nearing the Promised Land. It is those times that are seperated us from those that can and those that won't.
So here's to my first blog written from my blackberry. Mistakes and all but fulfillment of my desire to write. To express myself against all odds. Happy Monday everyone. Here's to the start of turning impossibility to Possibility with a capital P.

Taking time to heal

I am totally at a loss for words today. Apprehension. No morning therapy with my meditation via You Tube. I feel like I have been cut off from the world. No Internet access and no one can figure out why. Torture is what it feels like. Are we all that reliant on the Internet that when we can't get it we don't know what to do? Certainly seems that way to me. What was life like before the Internet? When we did not have instant access to everything? When life was much simpler? When we shut down because everything was shut down? But now that we are so used to having to information 24 hours a day have we become information junkies?
Couldn't write my blog until I got to a place where I could access Wi-Fi which happens to be at my hair salon. People all around. Busy atmosphere but finding my escape writing while under the hair dryer. Trying to figure out what the Universe is trying to tell me. Why I was not able to write, meditate and do my normal routines this morning.
Or was I supposed to stay in bed because I am not really feeling my best, Scratchy throat. Congested nose. Cold building in the back of my throat and my husband telling me my eyes don't look right today. Is that the message that I am supposed to get? To switch everything off and take some time to take care of me. To listen to my body telling me it's nearly running on E. To listen to my mind telling me to rest for a bit.
Is that why the Internet failed on me yesterday so I would go to bed early rather than worrying about what's happening outside my world. Telling me to focus on me. On my inner health and well being. To make sure I am giving myself some time to heal. To restore to my best.
I am really feeling sluggish today but feel like I have to post to at least feel like I have accomplished something today. But at the end of the day who will I be helping if I can't help myself. If I can't heal myself who will I be healing?
So I think I will finish getting my hair done then go back to bed. To rest my mind, body and soul. To listen to my inner spirit telling me I need some down time. To take heed of the downed Internet as a sign telling me it's time to shut everything off and give myself time to decompress. To do nothing.
So here's to my healing time. I am signing off for now and hopefully by Monday morning I will be back to myself.

In gratitude to an empty cart

Last evening I was leaving the office. Going down into the parking lot. Got off the elevator and stepped out to find an empty cart. A cart like a still life painting standing there on its own waiting for its story to be told. Its form to be illustrated. All sorts of emotions passed through me as I looked at that empty cart. The very cart I had seen full, just a few hours earlier, with the possessions, memories, collections of a woman who had been made redundant after having worked for 18 years at the same job. Remembering seeing the woman going back and forth packing up what was her life for 18 years. A life that was no longer hers and my heart broke.

I looked at that empty cart - a symbolic reminder of the fact that we come into this world with nothing and we leave the world the same way, with nothing.  No matter how much we accumulate. No matter how much time we have. We all begin and end the same way. Forcing me to question why we spend so much of our lives accumulating so much stuff only for it to be left behind when we go. When we move to the next dimension. When this life of accumulation means nothing.

I stood and thought about all the things the woman had been taking away from the life that was no longer hers and wondered what it felt like to be closing the door on 18 years of life and walking into the unknown. Looking at the empty cart and thinking about how her whole life has and will change. Wondering if she is fearful. Knowing she has to be fearful. Change always causes fear particularly when it comes when we are least expecting it to come.

Thinking of how that empty cart was the depiction of something that needed to be filled and would be filled once again with someone else’s treasures. Someone else’s new beginning in the same way it had been filled with the woman’s ending.  Like the revolving door. Endings and beginnings. Beginnings and Endings.

I inhaled and exhaled then finally found the will to walk away from the empty cart. Knowing I can’t change what has happened. That I have no control over anyone’s life. Knowing there is a period of grieving we all experience with change. Remembering there is a cycle to everything and that as long as we are present moment living, we will have the power and will to ride the cycles.

Thinking that empty cart was left there for a reason for me. To remind me that not so long ago I was in the same position as the woman. Reminding me that life can change in an instant but as long as I have faith, love, compassion, my own dreams and accept change as an opening for me to explore more about who I am and who I am not then I will be okay. As will she if she takes her time to understand why she is in the position she finds herself.

In gratitude to taking pause to understand the symbolic nature of that empty cart for me. For reminding me life is a revolving door. The empty cart will once again be filled in more ways than that woman thought possible.  I know because the same happened to me and will happen again in the future because life is a cycle of changes.

I am a child of the Divine

Soothing my soul. Curing my heart. Allowing my inner spirit space to expand. Awakening to the Divine. Closing out the darkness. Opening to the Light. Listening to soothing music. Craving the voice of angels. Indulging myself in quiet time. Getting up in the darkness to watch the morning stars. Looking out the window seeing them for the first time this morning since my return home on Monday. Feeling the joy and possibility from the Universe. Knowing I am a part of a part of a part of the whole. Knowing I am connected to everyone and everything. Knowing every action that I take or do not take has a ripple effect on the Universe. Seeing myself as a circle within a circle. Infinite.

Wondering why we have such dark thoughts or why we attract such dark energy when we are all a part of the whole. Is the darkness as much a part of us as the light? Are they one and the same? Why am I feeling so tested right now? Why am I being shown aspects of people I do not like?  Aspects that were hidden from me before are now becoming prominent features of people I thought were genuine. Of people I had ultimate trust only to now discover their ugliness. Am I being shown my own ugliness? Or am I being shown how not to be ugly? Am I being asked to explore who I really am?

So much deceit and betrayal. Uneasiness and apprehension. Intertwined with my desire to seek the more. To understand the whole. To journey to the places deep within my soul. To accept the music of my soul. To follow the voice within. To accept the prickles that stand on my neck when I am in the presence of something or someone not quite right as signs to beware. To tread cautiously at the moment so I am able to see all the signs that are being shown to me. To listen to my worries and apprehensions to understand and see the new path and direction that is being laid out for me.

To have grace, patience and love even in the face of adversity. To honour that I am in a new moon phase of my life just like that sliver of a moon that led me all the way home last night. That stayed with me for as long as it could in varying degrees struggling to remain even when clouds obscured it. Feeling her guidance and warmth.

Soothing my soul. Waking up this morning with gratitude. Changing my thoughts from dread to freedom. Looking out at the morning and seeing the sky full of stars. Full of love. Full of light even in the darkest night. Knowing there is hope as long as we have faith and believe. Accepting the sky full of stars this morning was my gift to see I must follow the path of my soul no matter what I do. With patience, gratitude, faith and love knowing I am a child of the Divine. Wherever I go there I am. Accepting there is no there when I get there as I am always here.

The challenge of present moment living

What happens when we try too hard? When we push too much? When we feel like time is running out? What happens when we lose patience? When we want everything now rather than waiting for it to materialize? When we do nothing to make it materialize because we are so afraid of failing?

How do we know when we are doing what we are meant to be doing? Or how do we do what we are meant to be doing when we have responsibilities that we can’t just walk away from? Or are we always doing what we are meant to be doing?

When are we ever satisfied? Lately I have been thinking about dreams and goals that I would like to achieve and what I realized is that I have been manifesting many dreams and aspirations in my life. Only to discover that once I achieve them or manifest them they don’t feel the way I thought they would. They don’t bring me the joy I thought they would. The feelings of euphoria don’t last in the way I thought they would. Why is that?

I am finding the journey is so much better than the destination. But yet in some of the cases I have been so busy trying to get to the destination that I have rushed through the journey or been impatient with the journey that when I reach the destination I am disappointed. Leaving me to ask, are we ever satisfied or are we always seeking more?

Questioning when is enough enough? Asking the Universe and the Divine to help me to be more settled. To be more present as lately I am finding my thoughts are all over the place. Not lingering on one thought for too long. But bombarded with all sorts of questions and feelings.  And then I feel overwhelmed so I don’t do anything which leaves me feeling disappointed. Leaving me feeling like I am standing on the opposite side of the street looking out over a beautiful green meadow and there on the other side is the Promised Land that I know is mine but for some reason I can’t get to it. Feeling like it is out of my reach because I am so busy trying to find every reason not to cross the meadow rather than just crossing it. One step at a time. Rather than just enjoying the beauty of the journey.

So this morning I decided to write about my frustrations, my concerns, my disappointments hoping that by doing so I can bring myself back to present moment living rather than worrying about time ahead of me that I have no control over. To remind myself my destination is reached simply by putting one foot in front of the other and going with the flow rather than running at full speed and not seeing the paths along the way that may take me to the Promised Land meant for me rather than the one I think is meant for me.

So today I will surrender and see where I end up rather than trying to end up before I even begin. Surrender to the present moment. Letting go of all expectation and worry and goals and dreams. Taking a page out of my children’ s book to enjoy every moment of my journey.  Present moment living is not as elusive as we believe. It is real. Present all the time. A gift of the Universe. And it is all that we have. And for this lesson I am truly grateful. Amen.

Home Sweet Home

Just think yesterday I was worrying about flying back. About making it back because of the Tropical Storm Rafael bearing down on my Island home. Worrying that we would be detoured. Making contingency plans with my angel friend to pick up my children just in case. Feeling better once that was done. Boarding the flight saying a silent prayer to allow us to get home safely.

A few bumps here and there but nothing to worry too much about. Flight pretty uneventful other than that. Grateful that it was not really bumpy. Spotting my home from afar as the water started to turn turquoise knowing I was closer. There’s only one place in the world with the richest turquoise hues as the ocean surrounding my home. Surprised by the calmness of the ocean. Delighted by the sunshine. Wheels touching down. Racing along the runway. Gratitude sinking in that we were on the ground and safe.

Going to pick our children up together. Our daughter delighted to see us. Hugging us. Making a fuss. Our son electing to take the bus home with his friends. Greeting  us with hugs when he got home out of the eyesight of his friends. Both saying they missed us. Our son telling us he worried about us getting home safely all day. Wondered if the flight would be too bumpy for us. Touching us both with his sentimentality. The pleasure of parenthood.

Home. Feet back on the ground. Reality hits. Back to being a parent. Working mom and wife. No more fancy restaurants. Treats and going out every day. Back to the grind. But realizing that it’s necessary to take minibreaks to understand and appreciate them. If we had them the whole time would we appreciate them? Do we ever fully appreciate what we have all the time? Is that why these feelings and breaks are fleeting so we can appreciate.

Home. Sweet home. With my family. What joy. Nothing like it is it? The simple pleasures in life are always amazing. Particularly when we focus on the now.  Here’s to another day of normal everyday life. May I tackle my duties with ease and not feel overwhelmed. May I be open to the possibilities that exist.  May I be grateful for each one.  May Tropical Storm Rafael be gentle with us and do what he is meant to do – clear the air and bring down the humidity. And for all that was, all that will be and all that is I am truly grateful. Amen

A weekend to remember with gratitude

Saturday in New York on a sunny day. Perfect temperatures. Wonderful breakfast at Sarabeth's in the Chelsea Market. A walk along the High Line Bridge. Gazing out over the city with my husband. An unexpected oasis in an unexpected location. Talking about thinking outside the box and transforming an old abandoned rail yard into a city garden. What an absolute treat. An illustration of how resilient nature can be.
 Later after walking all through the Chelsea area, we were starving and ended up in the Blue City Grill which was so outstanding. The lettuce wraps with lobster, crab, edamame and corn were to die for. The crab cakes better than any crab cake we had ever tasted.
And just when I thought the Universe had shined down on us enough, we boarded the train to the Barclay Center in Brooklyn to see a woman I have wanted to see in concert for as long as I can remember. Mrs. Barbra Streisand. I remember just a little over a year ago how upset I was when Oprah had Barbra on her show. The regret I felt I never had the opportunity to get on the show to be in the presence of two women I admire. I thought I had lost my opportunity to see her knowing how she does not like to perform live. But I was on my way to see her in person. A dream come true.
I was so anxious to get to the concert and did not want anything to go wrong so I was irritating my husband rushing ahead of him on the train. Leaving him behind in the line to get into the Barclay Center.  Nervous because I did not want to miss one second of the show. I was like a child in a candy store. So excited I couldn't contain myself.
Feeling so incredibly lucky to be granted a wish I had uttered to the Universe over a year ago. Grateful for the affirmation that when we are truly meant to have something, the Universe delivers it to us. Feeling goosebumps up and down my spine when Barbra walked on stage. Tears stinging my eyes. Happy I was fortunate enough to be living out a life long dream with my husband by my side. Feeling like we are on a wave of possibility together.
Sunday morning waking up with clouds and walking over to the Chelsea Market to have a wonderful brunch at The Green Table. My husband and I thoroughly enjoying our time together. Catching the ending of the Spanish parade that took over Fifth Avenue. Colourful costumes. Happy smiling faces. Uplifting music. All against a backdrop of clear blue skies. Clouds cleared. The  atmosphere festive. Everyone joyful.
Jumping in a cab to go to the Metropolitan Museum. Refusing to let the reckless cab ride railroad our spirits. Entering the Met with the intention of seeing the Andy Warhol exhibit but getting side tracked by 19th and 20th century European artists particularly Monet, Van Gogh, Picasso, Pissaro, to name a few. And being captivated by the detail of their work. Andy Warhol becoming secondary to them. Proving again that sometimes what we think we want is not exactly what we need and if we just go with the flow, we always end up where we need to be.
Capping the day off with walk through Central Park teeming with people taking advantage of the Spring like temperatures and sunshine. Feeling the love and in gratitude for our abundance.
Ending our weekend with dinner at Morimoto. Inhaling and exhaling.  A pure culinary delight. Food that excited our palette in every way. Knowledgeable and friendly staff. A wonderful and delightful end to a weekend of what began as a disappointment to one that ended with total awe and wonder. Full of love and abundance. An escape for my husband and me that went beyond our expectations and dreams. And for this wonderful weekend I am truly grateful.

A dream within The Dream

My husband and I are in New York to see the Barbra Streisand concert tonight. This is only the second time since we have been on a romantic getaway together since we had our children 13 years ago.  So we were both looking forward to having some adult time together. After all we are still celebrating our 20th anniversary year - a milestone.
We arrived at our hotel with stars in our eyes. Great expectations particularly after we got out of the car from the airport and were blown away by the lobby and the doorman. Everything looked so wonderful on the surface. After all our hotel is called The Dream and I had these expectations that we would feel like we were in a dream with our room.
We walked into our room and my dream turned into a nightmare. The room was not what we were expecting at all. It is so tiny that the two of us have to move out of each other's way to get around the room. 225 square feet of tiny living space. We immediately called downstairs to see if we could upgrade to a large room.  We wanted more space. A bigger closet at least because the one we have is only big enough for our two coats. Not space for our things. Where is the space we thought. Disappointment turning into a joke when we were told the hotel was fully booked.
When we accepted where we were, we were able to see the so much more that was right there in front of us.  Looking out of the large round window, almost like an enlarged porthole, there before us was a sight to behold. The Empire State building framed perfectly in our window. Cloud formations so beautiful against the backdrop of the Empire State Building. Jets flying by. Leaving long vapour trails. Hot air balloons  Helicopters. The sun setting casting red hues all around. And then as the sun set the Empire State building was illuminated at the top. Changing the scenery all together. A sea of lights in an otherwise dark night. Picturesque. Romantic. We felt like we were up in the sky with the skyscrapers. Dream like almost.
Allowing us the space to really embrace and accept where we were. Tiny room and all. The disappointment fading away as we were forced to be in each other's space. No place to escape each other but to be with each other. And we did and the atmosphere changed from one of disappointment to one of acceptance and love.
We then went to Buddakan for dinner which is right across the street from us. A treat in itself. And with no reservations to boot, we told them we would be willing to wait for a cancellation particularly since we were celebrating 20 years of marriage. They sat us at the bar where we shared cocktails after muscling our way through a sea of people. Letting go of all expectation. Just enjoying each other's company. And soon we were on a journey, oblivious to anyone else around us, as we began one of the most intimate evenings we have shared in a long time.
Within 15 minutes we were seated at a table. Sharing a wonderful meal together. Conversations taking us way back to the beginning of our marriage spanning over its duration. Honouring each other for the trials we have faced together and sometimes alone but having the stamina to pull through. Holding hands across the table. Truly listening to each other. Hearing each other. Acknowledging each other. Looking deep into each other's souls and feeling that love that comes from a place deep deep down. That place that knows love, like life, is not a fairytale. It is not smooth sailing all the time. That knows sometimes there will be forks in the road, just like our disappointing room, but when we make the best of where we find ourselves, when we learn from the pain we feel, we are rewarded with gifts and possibilities greater than we ever dreamed possible.
And then when we thought the evening could not get any better, the restaurant brought out a dessert with candles and written in chocolate was Happy Anniversary. The maitre'd whisking us off to the library treating us to a complimentary glass of champagne. My husband and I marvelling at our day had changed from one of expectation and disappointment to one of great surprise and love.  How the day we thought would start with stars in our eyes ended with more than just the stars. It ended full of love.
As we walked back into our room, framed in the large round window was the New York skyline full of lights. Full of possibilities  And we were full of love and stars. Our dream coming true in the the most unlikely room in The  Dream Hotel. Proving dreams do come true as long as we let go of expectation and go with the flow. And in our case with love.

Suspended in time

Last evening while flying back from London, the airplane went into one of those weird suspensions of time because we hit a small pocket of turbulence caused by cloud build up just as we were nearing Bermuda. And in that suspension of time, it felt like everything just stopped. People stopped talking. The airplane felt like it came to a standstill and everyone waited.  Seemingly not even breathing. Waited for it to resume its normal sound. Waited.

And then it was over. The moment passed. Time ticking on again. The airplane back to normal. Everyone exhaling. The baby crying in the background resumed. And everyone else went back to normal. And for some reason that suspension in time resonated with me more than ever. Like I was part of a surreal dream. Looking from above what was happening on the airplane. Feeling like I was outside looking in.

So I decided to remember that suspension of time- that moment in time- to remind myself how long a moment really and truly is. To remind myself that I don’t always have to wait until something goes horribly wrong to appreciate each moment that I have in my life.  Thinking about how long that moment felt when the whole rhythm of the airplane changed for me. Causing me to question whether anyone else felt it or if it was just me.

I wondered if I was being sent a direct message from the Divine. To recognize that I am given moments in time, suspended moments in time, all the time, to allow myself to breathe, to change course, to make decisions, to rejoice or simply to cherish being in the moment.

When we are living our normal everyday lives we sometimes forget about the moment because we take it for granted. But yesterday evening when we ended up in that time capsule I realized that life does not change quickly. It ticks on by. Moment by moment.  It’s just that we are too busy to notice each moment because we are so busy projecting into the future. Too busy thinking about everything rather than the moment we are in.

Coming out of those dark dark clouds yesterday evening after a smooth 6 hours of flying was a wake up call for me to appreciate every moment because life really does change with each moment according to the Divine Plan and our choices. And the moment we broke through the clouds it was clear flying until we touched down. Clear skies just above the airport allowing me a moment to get to my family without any rain.

Seeing my husband and daughter as I came out of customs. Faces smiling at me. Appreciating the moment. Getting into the car just as the dark and stormy clouds came over us and the heavens opened. Appreciating the moment of enjoying my family before the torrential rain could spoil our moment of being together again. Driving home through the rain storm to see my sister I have not seen in two years and my son. Happy to see me.  Happy to see each other.  Appreciating the moment.

A delightful surprise on the Eurostar

Travelled to and from Brussels back to London yesterday. I was exhausted after a long day. Getting up at 4 am to catch a 6.50 flight to Brussels then in meetings all day long. When we got to the train station I could not find my passport and panicked because I couldn't. Pulling everything out of my bags and when I stopped panicking there in plain sight was my passport. With trembling hands and gratitude I silently murmured thank you I would not be delayed in Brussels with no hope of getting to London let alone home soon. Thinking about how disappointed my family would be if I did not get home. Grateful I did not have to deliver that news.
Finally headed toward the Eurostar with much relief. A very civilised way to travel, I discovered. Plenty of leg room. A personal greeter for the cabins to let you know where your seats were and then surprise upon surprise a served meal complete with wine. The steward for our cabin was friendly, generous and seemed to thoroughly enjoy his job.
So to board the train with such service was an absolute delight. I decided to take a nap at first because I was starting to feel a bit run down. Shortly thereafter, I was woken up to ask if I wanted anything to eat. And the food was actually very tasty. An added bonus.
As I ate, I looked out the window at the scenery and was amazed by how beautiful it was particularly after coming out of Brussels and being surprised by how run down the city looked. A city full of construction projects that had been started but never finished. Roads blocked. Graffiti  Bad driving. Congestion. An atmosphere of incompletion.
But the scenery coming out of Brussels was the exact opposite.  Firstly the architecture was more modern than where we were in Brussels. Sleek even. Water features contrasting against the modern buildings. Glass. Old vs. new.
And then we were out into wide open space with expansive green flat fields. Windmills standing erect and powerful in the fields. Motionless because there was no wind but majestic nonetheless. Water interspersed throughout the fields giving the feel of land vs sea. The light just right. The clouds perfect. The sky clear.
And then I  watched the sun set. The light replaced with darkness. The clear blue sky twilight illuminated red along the horizon  The green scenery turning into silhouettes. Feeling the tension oozing out of my body knowing I am on my way home. The work done. A perfect way to end the work day between countries far from home.
Grateful for all of my experiences and people I meet along the way. Grateful for this journey called life. Grateful for appreciating it all. Tired but grateful nonetheless.

A painful lesson in forgiveness

Recently I received a huge blow from someone who had asked me to complete a project. A project I blindly took on thinking I was doing something for the general good. Only to realise  the reason I was asked to complete this project was for the sole purpose of promoting the person's ego. And when the person did not receive the accolades he thought he would, he lost interest totally in the project. Literally turned his back on me in the blink of an eye.
And I have to admit every time I think about the amount of work that went into the project for no real reward from the person, I get really angry. Hurt even. To know I was so naive to put myself out there. Only to have the person who asked to complete the project abandon me when it did not turn out the way he had anticipated. The whole experience has been a journey for me - a very humbling one to say the least.
What I am learning from this experience is to be careful with whom I entrust my time. To dig deep into people's motives so I can understand their expectations before agreeing to take on projects. To determine whether I am being asked to complete someone else's dream rather than my own. And if I am then the answer should be no because whenever we try to live out someone else's dream, it very rarely becomes our own. Often it becomes everyone's nightmare because dreams are meant to be dreamt and achieved only by the person who dreams it.
When I think about the time it took me to complete the project, I feel sick to my stomach about how I was treated. But then I tell myself there was a lot of blood, sweat and tears that went into the project. A lot of knowledge gained, I will never forget. Nor would I have accumulated had I not taken the project on.
So instead of feeling bad for what I accomplished without much support. Instead of feeling like I have been left hanging out to dry. I acknowledge the wealth of information and sense of accomplishment I managed to achieve. Allowing me to realise I must forgive the person for the way he handled me because as long as I hold onto the anger and resentment I will not be able to make space in my heart to forgive myself.  To recognise I can not control the way he treated me. Nor can I go back and change history. All I can do is detach myself from the outcome. Surrender myself to the pain I feel. Acknowledge it then let it go. Thanking the Universe for the opportunity to learn how not to treat people and how to treat myself at the same time.
And for this difficult lesson of forgiveness, detachment and surrender I am truly grateful.

In ode to Ina Drew

I recently read a story about a woman called Ina Drew. A woman I have never met before. A woman I have never seen or heard about before until I read The New York Times. I was drawn to the story because of its subtitle,  "How a $6 billion mistake took down the most powerful woman on Wall Street".
I have recently been intrigued by a myriad of stories about women and their ascension to the highest ranks in the Corporate world. Some falling. Or deciding it's not for them and resigning to take on more "meaningful" roles in life. Women who are questioning whether the sacrifices are worth the aggravation. Worth losing their families over.
Leaving me pondering why so many women are facing this struggle. Asking themselves when is enough enough. Trying to come to terms with what success really means. Trying to strike a balance between careers, families and quality of life.
When I read the story about Ina Drew, a woman who seemed to be balancing her family life with her corporate life. A woman who seemed to understand and accept her feminine side without trying to transform herself into a "man" - something she obviously realised she could never be. A woman who allowed her staff to balance their lives by leading by example and doing the same with hers. I felt great pride upon discovering there are actually some women who are not trying to be something they are not and can never be. But that elation turned to despair when I realised that not even this iconic woman could survive in the Corporate World.
I was most offended by the way the article ended with Ina Drew being depicted as a "weak" woman. Painting an image of a woman falling apart who could not handle pressure of being in the man's world - mascara running down her face, swatting off a sexual harassment issue, hands shaking, losing weight, crumbling under the pressure. Why was it necessary to try to destroy the image of a woman who had managed to make it into the C-Suite with her own smarts and had taken her former organisation to heights unimaginable during the heyday all while making sure she was at home with her family at meal times and empowering her work mates to have a balanced life style.
But as I reflected on her story, I realised she did the honourable thing by willingly stepping up to the plate allowing herself to become the sacrificial lamb for the rest of her staff. Leading by example right to the bitter end. Should that have been the twist on the story rather than writing about her perceived disintegration in the media?
Ina Drew signifies to me a woman who stepped into the lion's den and knew she had to pay the price for doing so when the stuff hit the fan. Not once has she come into the newspaper decrying her fellow coworkers. Nor has she make a public spectacle of herself. As a matter of fact the newspaper article painted her as a person who knew her limitations and did not want to be in the limelight and nor did he want to be the CEO of a company. She wanted to do what she knew best bearing in mind she was a mother first.
Why couldn't she be praised for what she had done to save the institution from being drawn into a battle and causing many innocent people to lose jobs. Many will argue that she put the institution in that position in the first place so why should she be lauded for trying to mitigate the job she started in the first place. But here's the thing, only when we stop putting enormous pressures on companies to grow, when we stop demanding the best of everything at prices far than they should be, when we stop demanding altogether, we will continue to see financial institutions on the brink of collapse because we are all enabling them with our demands.
I take my hat off to Ina Drew who did the best she could with the resources she had. Opening doors for many who would not otherwise have a chance. Bringing a feeling of teamwork to an organisation unlike before. And showing that women do not need to be ashamed of the fact that we are mothers first but still get the job done. It's just a shame that she was the only one who was brave to take the fall for doing what every one praised her for in the past and doing what everyone expected her to do - make brave decisions for her company's growth. Ironically, even in tendering her resignation she made the greatest and last brave decision for her organisation. She was strong enough to take responsibility for her actions no matter the consequences for herself.
Could this story have been written in a different way without trying to make it sound like a movie? Would I have reacted the same way if this was a story about a man? I can't answer these questions but I do know it hit at my core. As it is for many women around the world questioning what our roles are evolving into. Questioning who and what are we becoming.
Mrs. Ina Drew, I wish you the best. Now is the time to reinvent yourself into whatever you see fit. You've worked hard to be in the position you're in now. Don't let anyone take that away from you. I know I'll be on the lookout for you wherever you resurface. Stronger. Better. And stripes well earned. Remembering always as Barbra Streisand says, "There are no mistakes. Only lessons to be learned."

An unexpected lesson from travelling

Travelled from Bermuda to London over the weekend. Before I left my husband was surprised I was leaving Saturday night. For some reason he thought I was leaving on Sunday night. When I talked to my son about it, helooked at me with wistful eyes and  said, "That's because no one wants you to go."
My heart breaks every time I think about what he said and the expression on his face when he said it. Genuine concern and love coming from his whole being stretching into mine.  An incredible feeling of intimacy in that one statement. In that one moment.
Fuelled because my son's statement was an unfiltered sentiment from his heart. And for a thirteen year old going through adolescence who doesn't like to show much emotion at the moment except attitude, I was deeply touched. I looked at him and said, " I know I wish I didn't have to go either but it's where I am right now so I have to go." Riddled with guilt the whole time I spoke to him and afterwards. Wondering how I ended up in a position where I have to leave my children. So far away from that protective mother I was when they were first born when I would not even leave them. Thinking about how life changes so much when we aren't looking.
When I boarded the airplane I prayed that I get home safely to my children, my husband, my family. Prayed that I do not abandon them as my mother did me. Prayed that me leaving them forever was not their destiny as it was mine. Prayed that their destiny was to have me in their lives at least until they become responsible adults. And then I fell into a dreamless sleep. Waking up with a jolt one hour before the flight was to land.
Landing at Gatwick on a brisk Sunday morning. Temperature 3 degrees Celcius which is how much in Fahrenheit I don't even know. But it was chilly. Boarding the train to go to London Bridge watching the morning scenery flashing quickly by. A different scenery to my scenery in the mornings. A different feeling all together. Thinking the scenery like my life is flashing by quickly before my eyes.
Feeling immense gratitude to the Universe for liftng my spirits when I was greeted by a beautiful clear blue sky. Unlike the rainy drizzly conditions normal to London. I smiled thinking I brought the beautiful weather with me once again. Marvelling at the cloud formations different from my own.  Clouds more like tendrils than puffy pillows. Some infused with red as the sun was rising behind them. Others white streaks. Airplane vapour trails snaking across the otherwise clear sky. Mist like smoke rising up out of the lakes and ponds casting a mysteriousness to the air. Like the mystery I felt in my bones about why life takes us on different paths than the ones we had planned.
Thinking about why I am on my way to another work week in a different place. Far from my children and family. Far from my normal routines. Yet grateful that I made it this far. Grateful for the ability to see and experience so many different experiences. Accepting I am where I am meant to be even if it includes feeling guilty for not being there for my family. Understanding it is a feeling I am meant to feel and not be ashamed of feeling. Learning to accept my life is where it is because of choices I have made and choice I continue to make. And if I want to alter anything it is always up to me.
To my beautiful and challenging thirteen year old son thanks for giving me pause to think about where I am and why. For helping me to remember life does change when I'm not looking so it's up to me to really start seeing life and living it rather than letting it see me and live me.

Witnessing a simple act of love

The other night I fell in love all over again with my husband on a very deep level. I fell in love with my family again. On a very spiritual level. I fell in love again by realizing something so profound.

Love may always be there but it ebbs and flows. Sometimes not as deep as other times. Sometimes not as pronounced as other times. Sometimes deeper than we ever imagined possible.

Love comes in many different forms. Surprising us from where it may come. My renewed sense of love came from a very simple act by my husband with our daughter. I was in the shower when I heard a laughter that was so pure, so unadulterated, so blissful that it ran through my whole being. Awakening something deep within me. Curious to understand what was causing that beautiful and free laugher, I rushed to finish my shower and opened the bedroom door. And there before me was a sight to behold. A feeling to embrace.

Before my eyes was pure and nonjudgmental love. My husband and daughter lying on the bed together. She snuggled in my husband’s arms. He reading to her. The love that was shared between them filled the whole room infusing everything including me. Filling me with the joy and abandon they felt. Tears stinging my eyes. The laughter emanating from them was coming from a place deep within their beings. Of total understanding and embracing of heart love.

I looked at them both. Lingering on my husband and realized just how great of a man I chose to be my husband, partner, and father of my children. I realized with deep love and understanding that though we may not see eye to eye on many occasions, he is a man of great compassion, love and steadfastness. He is the foundation for my daughter’s understanding of what love is and feels like.

My heart filled with pure joy when I realized my daughter was being shown the power of pure love. Unconditional love that asks for nothing in return from her but to love and to be loved. My soul swelling knowing she is being given a solid foundation of what love is and should feel like without expectation. Praying that she will go out into the world not seeking love to make her whole but to know she is whole and she is love onto herself. That no one or nothing but her inner light and love can make her feel fulfilled.

Seeing she is getting that foundation of love from the love of her father and my husband filled me up with love. So I said a silent prayer of gratitude to the Universe and to myself for helping me to realize the power of love and the power of choice from the simple act of love between my husband and daughter reading together, sharing a moment together. Bringing forth the laughter from the soul filled with love. Without expectation.

What a sight to behold. Love is truly a wonderful and uplifting feeling especially when it comes from the heart. Without expectation.  And to love, my husband, my daughter, my family, and pure laughter I am truly grateful. 

Meditation- the beautiful art of surrender

Meditation comes in many forms. It comes from listening to the sound of the wind.  The sound of the rain. The sound of the ocean gently crashing against the sand. It comes from watching a butterfly fluttering by. A bird in flight. The silence of the moment.

It comes when we surrender. Listening to the sound of the Divine. However that may sound to each of us as individuals. It comes from listening to beautiful music. Lilting voices. Repetitive voices. Chanting voices. Whichever voices resonate with each of us.

It comes when our eyes are closed and we surrender to all that is within. When we listen to the sound of our essence selves. When we hear the nothingness that is everything within us. When we embrace the eternal soul. When we reach the place of the connectedness.

It comes when our eyes are wide open taking in all that is. All that was and all that will ever be. It comes when we allow ourselves to be grateful for all that is created including us. It comes when we recognize we are a part of the Divine so we are all the Divine because we all make up this Universe we live in. This Universe we share.

It comes when we allow ourselves to be still and listen. Truly listen to our inner compass and allow ourselves to surrender to it. To allow it to direct us where we are meant to be.

Meditation takes us to the place where all the joy, freedom, love, light and possibility reside. Takes us there to allow us to see who we really are. Gives us the wings to soar. Gives us the ability to see that possibility exists for us.

Meditation has no true form. No set technique. It is a pathway to the well of overflowing light. To that place when we are able to let go of what we are to become who we are. Meditation is our access to the infinite allowing us to understand and see we are the infinite.

Allow yourself to be still. To listen with open heart. To see with open heart. To experience the purity of who we are. To experience the wonder of our creation and our existence. And when you do as I have you will realize we are all one. We are all the same. We are of the Divine. Connected in more ways than we can ever know and understand.

Meditation is the beautiful art of surrender. Of finding bliss. Of being bliss. Namaste.

A kingdom of joy

There exists within us all a kingdom of joy. A well of possibility. A light of love. An endless truth seeker who knows all will be well.

There is a spirit within us all that guides us through the darkness even when we think there will never be light again. There is a consciousness within us all that brings us back to the overflowing fountain of love even when we are surrounded by bitterness and hate.

There is a place within us all where the God spirit dwells – harkening , beckoning us back home. To see the light. To embrace the light. To rejoice in the fact that we are the light.

There is a uniqueness about us all yet a connectedness about us all that brings us back to that place of surrender. To the time when we accepted the words and feelings of the Divine. When we understood and embraced who and what we are. When we knew why we came here. When we did not resist. When we just let it be.

There is a well within us all of goodness and light even when we are ridden with darkness and spite. There is always the duality of who we are because we are human. But when we remember to give ourselves time to go within, to touch that place where there is constant harmony. Where the flame of eternal love, light and being exists, we understand wherever we find ourselves is where the lesson or reward will teach us about who we are.

When I reach that place from time to time in my journey of life and love, the peace and surrender I feel from the warmth of its embrace reminds me I am all I am because of the duality of my existence. I embrace the knowing that I will face trial after trial until I am at one and at peace with my story. When I can embrace myself totally, wholly and without fear.

When I reach this place I know and understand the meaning of Nirvana and I am grateful for having the ability to know it exists. To allow myself a glimpse into all that is, was and will ever be. And then I exhale and keep moving storing its memory deep within that place that exists within us all. That place of all knowing. That place where all that is resides and breathes. That place of our essence selves.  That place of surrender, love, light and acceptance. Surrender. Amen.

Beauty is because beauty is

Beauty is that which sits on our shoulder asking us to see her. Beauty is that which taps us on our shoulder asking us to see him. Beauty is that which strokes our shoulder asking us to see it for what it is.

Beauty is that which we see when we take off the veils. When we surrender to the wonders of our creation. Beauty is creation. It is what it is in the eyes of the beholder. Some people see beauty in other people’s ugly. Some people see beauty in everything and everyone they encounter. Because they understand beauty is an inner thing- radiating from inside out.

Beauty is not skin deep. Beauty is beyond the skin. Beyond the concept of the physical. Beauty is all encompassing. It comes with its own song. Its own rhythm. Its own smell. Taste and feel. It comes when our hearts are open. When our minds are clean. When our spirits are allowed to soar.  Beauty comes because it is always there waiting for us to surrender to it. To acknowledge and embrace it.

Beauty is where we are in our lives.  How we view things. How we view ourselves. Beauty is to be enjoyed. Rejoiced. Embraced. It helps to lift our souls when we call its name. Beauty is freeing. Opening. Inviting.

Beauty is waking up in the morning with another breath of life.

Beauty is the monarch butterfly fluttering gently by.

Beauty is in the eye of the storm – swirling within the storm.

Beauty is the calm within the chaos.

Beauty is the beginning of the month with a large full moon. Lighting the way for us even in the darkest night.

Beauty is the tiny rose blossoming out of a stem full of thorns.

Beauty is the birth of a child. The perpetuation of life.

Beauty is love and love is beauty.

Beauty is eternal. Never fading. Never waning because it is much deeper than the eye can see.

What is beautiful to me may not be beautiful to anyone else but it is beautiful nonetheless because I believe so. Beauty reminds us to be beautiful through and through because it is nothing like the feeling of beauty to help us to soar. Beauty is much more than the physical. It is the essence of the spirit embraced and accepted.

Beauty is because beauty is. 

Because I love I am

I love when I stop searching and I just find. When I stop seeking and I am found. When I stop questioning and I am answered. When I forgive and I am forgiven.  When I exhale not realizing how long I had been holding my breath. I love when I just go and find I am exactly where I need to be.

I love when I love because then I am loved right back. I love when I believe because then others believe in me. I love when I am compassionate because then compassion comes back to me. I love when I stop waiting and hoping and just surrender and what I have been waiting and hoping for shows up in better ways than I ever imagined.

I love when I give without realizing I have and I am given right back. I love when I stop expecting only to be given gifts I never dreamed possible.

I love when I close my eyes and see more than I can when my eyes are wide open. I love when I stop talking and hear all that I am meant to hear. I love when I relinquish control only to find I always had it particularly when I don’t force it.

I love when I love and love grows beyond the realm of my knowing of love. When it surrounds me like a warm and snugly blanket. When it reveals all that there is, was and ever will be and I get it fully and totally. Without question. Without fear.

Because then I realize I am love. I am forgiveness. I am lost. I am found. I am peace. I am war. I am waiting and the waited. I am all the experiences I bring into my life and into the lives of those who invite me in. I am all of these things to understand who I am and who I am not. To understand I am he is she is it is all because I am.

Receiving a powerful blessing of all knowing

I realized I've been manifesting many things without realizing I have. A revelation that has shaken me up. Leaving me puzzled about why I am manifesting some things. But the one prize I have desired for quite some time has been eluding me. Toying with me. Taunting me.  Leaving me questioning why.  Is it because I truly do not believe I am worthy of the prize? Is it because I am in the midst of learning more, teaching more, seeking more in order to be in the frame of mind to allow me to accept that prize? Without question. Without guilt.

I have had a wonderful weekend of total surrender. A weekend where I allowed myself to just be. To stare at the moon as I did last night in gratitude and awe of its beauty. Watching clouds obscure it then pass on by. Watching its light flicker. Watching it shining majestically from its perch in the sky. Filled with wonder and love with this beautiful place we call our world, our universe.

I surrendered to being in the moment every single moment of the day. Spent the day on Saturday chatting with a friend of mine about the fears I am facing – about seeing my life flash before my eyes. Reaching an epiphany with her I had not fully recognized until I spoke the words to her.  Acknowledging to her and to myself that my life seemed to alter in a way  I still don’t understand when I watched my dad snake down the hill to the hospital to see my mother. Only for him to return to let us know she had gone forever from our lives. My life. Never to return.

Is that the point in my life when I began this process of self sabotage? Of believing  I was unworthy because if I was worthy enough, my mother would never have been taken from me. Of  believing if I was too successful , somehow I would have to pay for that success as I paid when my mother was snatched from me overnight? Is this why I keep dancing around my prize because I’m afraid of what can happen? Of what and whom I will invite in?

I looked at the beautiful full moon last night. Staring at it for a long time.  Declaring to the Universe I am ready now – ready to give and receive that which is rightfully mine. Ready to embrace the fact that I am the miracle I was sent here to be. That I am love and light, peace and forgiveness, worthy of all the gifts to be bestowed upon me. With gratitude and abandon. Without question. I am ready.

Watching the light of the moon getting brighter with each declaration. Less clouds covering its face. Allowing me to fully see its light. The universal and unforsaken light of all that is. Filling me with wonder and awe and possibility. Filling me with gratitude and love and light. Filling me with the life force I sometimes take for granted. Filling me up in ways I cannot even begin to describe. Letting me know it is time for me to embrace and acknowledge I am ready. And I am. Ready.

 And for receiving this powerful blessing of all knowing, I am truly and honestly grateful. Amen.