Happy Birthday Momma

It's October 28 - always a day of confusion and reflection for me because it's my mother's birthday. She would have been 79, still young in this day and age but an age she never saw or knew what it felt like. She has been dead for 35 years now - a lot of years and still the pain remains. The feelings of what could have been if she was here still niggle at me.
I am always confused on this day because I'm not even sure if her birthday even exists anymore considering she is dead and has been for a long time. What are you meant to celebrate when people die - their birthdates or their deathdates? Not sure but both of those dates stir emotions deep within me so I have to acknowledge them both in order to understand the emotion swirling within me.
I often wonder what her life was like when she was young. What her dreams and aspirations were? I often wonder whether she regretted having children, making the decisions she made. I often wonder what the point of her life was to be cut down so suddenly, so unexpectedly, without having the opportunity to right some of the wrongs I know she so desperately wanted to do.
I will never forget the haunted look she often had in her eyes just before she died. The desperation that oozed out of her in her last days. The fear that maybe she knew deep inside she was going. I hated her for the longest time for leaving us in her mess, for not being the person I thought she was capable of being, for giving up on us and life. I craved to be everything she was not. I was driven to be independent, financially secure, to remain single, and never to have children so I could always keep my options open - never to be tied to anyone or anything like she was.
But life softened me when I met my husband and then had a breast cancer scare, both making me realise there is more to life than just achieving goals for self. When I became a mother, I understood more about my mother and the choices she made. I understood that no matter how grown up we think we are, we always hold on to the child within us looking for acknowledgement and approval. I understood that as parents we do the best we can with the resources we have. I empathised with her so much more than I ever could when I stepped into her shoes.
I realised she was a broken woman whose mother had died when she was young as well and she did the best she could for us. Her options were limited by some of the choices she made but she instilled in me how important it is to be a woman of compassion and love before she left me. She set me on a path that has brought me to where I am today by giving me all she had at the time and for her I am truly grateful.
With much love admiration and appreciation, Happy Birthday momma, my hero. I miss you lots and wish we could have become women together but it was not meant to be so I am just appreciative of the time we did have together. Hopefully I am making you proud. I love you more than words can ever say as you are embedded deep within my heart and soul – never to let go even in death.