Thursday, 12 June 2014

When I am succeeding at one thing, I am failing at another

I know I wrote about Shonda Rhimes’ commencement speech yesterday but there were so many parts of it that have stayed with me, I had to write about just one more nugget she spoke left me with. One more nugget that is so refreshing for women and mothers like me who are juggling so many balls. Women and mothers like me who feel like we are betraying our family because we are trying to do what we have to do as career women. Trying to be everywhere at once. All things to all people. Trying to be balanced and failing at it most times. To hear Shonda say, there is no such thing as complete success was one of the most honest statements I have heard a woman utter in a long time.
To hear her admit that when she is succeeding at one thing, she is failing at something else was exposing her vulnerability in such a compassionate way. It was so interesting to know that with all the resources she has at her disposal, not even she can magic herself to be in all places at all times. That she too has missed out on her children’s events because she had to do something for work. Be somewhere for work. Just like me. Just like so many of us.
These past few years my life has taken me down a path I did not expect and as a result I have found myself in places that took me away from my children’s events and I have been riddled with guilt and will always carry that guilt with me. But one thing I realized from hearing Shonda’s speech is that it is so true when we are succeeding at one thing, we are doing so at the expense of something else.
This year I was in Houston successfully moderating a panel. But at the same time I was missing my daughter’s school sports. Missed seeing her running her heart out collecting her ribbons. As a matter of fact for the past two years I have missed her sports because I have been travelling for work.
The guilt of a working mother, of a mother, of a woman is something that we have to come to terms with. Something that is just going to be a part of our lives because we have to accept we are human. Accept that we are only one person and therefore we cannot be everywhere at once and neither can we be all things to all people. And the guilt that we carry can be lessened when we accept we are constantly making choices about where we are going to be and what we are going to do. And with each choice we make, someone is going to win and someone is going to lose. It is my hope that in making that choice, it is because it is helping us to be where we need to be. To accomplish what we need to accomplish in order for us to be the woman we asked to come here to be. The person we asked to come here to be.
There is no such thing as the perfectly balanced woman who has it all because no matter how successful we become, we are always doing so at the expense of something or someone else. And the reason this is true is because we are human, imperfect human beings – one dimensional creatures who cannot morph into anything or anyone else. We are just who we are where we are because of choices we make every single day.
Thank you Shonda Rhimes again for letting me know that you are human just like me. Prone to guilt. Prone to succeed and fail at the same time. That no matter who we are or where we are, we cannot be everything to everyone and neither can we be everywhere at once. That at all times, we are doing the best we can with the resources we have. Thank you for showing that we are all human no matter where we come from or what we have. We face the same dilemmas. The same guilt. The same consequences as a result of choices we make every single day of our lives. Particularly when when we are doers not dreamers.
But hopefully with the choices we are making, we are laying the foundation for our children to be as true to themselves as they can be. Showing them by example to get out there and be all they can be. Understanding that life gives us exactly what we put into it.  And no matter what, it is so true,  when we are succeeding at one thing, we are failing at another – the yin and yang of life….

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