Sometimes fear creeps up on me

Sometimes fear creeps up on me when I least expect.it. Snaking its way into my psyche. Taking over my thoughts. Forcing me to run to the shadows and hide from the world because I don’t want the world to see my fear. Don’t want the world to know my fear. Don’t want the world to know I am human.

Sometimes fear comes out of nowhere and takes over my thoughts. Clouding them with nonsensical what if scenarios. Forcing me to retreat into a world full of darkness and hate. Standing still mired in what ifs rather than trying and seeing what happens. Rather than going for it and falling if I am meant to or soaring if I am meant to. Standing still playing out the scenarios rather than doing and trusting.

Sometimes fear comes out of the darkness and removes me for the light. Trapping me in a world where I can’t see anything because I am too afraid to open my eyes. Too afraid to come out of the darkness because the darkness is more comfortable. As it validates my thoughts. Keeps me mired down in a place where there are nothing but excuses for my standing still. And I feel good because my thoughts are confirmed by the feelings I have until I realise I am standing still and the world is moving around me and I become more afraid. Covering myself in the cloak of darkness. Not breathing. Not daring. Just hiding.

Sometimes fear comes in and clouds my judgment. Making me paranoid about everything and everyone. Making me question everyone’s motives including my own. Making me fear everything that comes my way thinking they come to destroy me. To expose me.

Sometimes fear comes in and takes over my whole being. Shaking me. Cajoling me. Heckling me. Making me afraid to do anything. Afraid to move. Afraid to speak.

And as I grow older, I realize that when I allow fear to consume me it is because I am not letting go. I am not trusting. I am putting all kinds of inhibitions in my way because fear is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be a liberating force when we recognize fear for what it is.

It is my vulnerable self asking me to look at people and situations from all angles. To see people in different lights. To see myself in a different light. To accept that it is not safe to hide from  fear because fear will find me wherever I may be. Wherever I am because fear is me as I am fear.

Fear may be the great mind killer but it is at the same time the great mind opener because it asks us to see the good and bad in everything. Fear is present with us all the time because it is the front runner of change. The nudge that asks us to move away from what is comfortable and is keeping us stuck and entrenched in the known. Fear is willing us to come out of the darkness into the light.

So when I am going through my periods of fear, I am learning to stop. To ask myself what is it that I am so afraid of. What is it that is keeping me in the dark? What is it that I do not want to know or want to see?

And then I go deep within to access my inner most feelings. Closing my eyes to allow the bile to rise in my chest. And then allowing it to go back down. Allowing the whole feeling of fear to take over my body and see where it settles. And then I say a silent prayer to the All asking for guidance. Asking my angels for the strength to surrender and let go.

And once I know fear is not anything to fear but rather a gift to help free me from me, I embrace fear for what it is and allow myself to confront it and move through it. Thanking it for giving me the chance to come face to face with my vulnerabilities and trepidations. Allowing me to know I am human and from time to time I will be afraid and there is nothing wrong with being afraid as long as I don’t allow myself to remain afraid of fear itself.

Fear is the greatest liberator once we learn to use it for what it is. For it is fear that challenges us to be more than the status quo. To be who we asked to come here to be. So when fear creeps up on me, it is asking me to move along. To move out of the shadows and into the light because as Franklin Roosevelt so eloquently stated, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself".