Sometimes I don't know where to begin

Sometimes I don’t know where to begin

What to say

How to start

Sometimes I feel like I have been wandering

Wandering in the dark

So much

Too much

I can’t find the light

Can’t see the light

Can’t feel it either

Sometimes I am so grateful

For everything that happens to me

That I can’t remember

What has happened to me

Or where I am meant to be

Sometimes I wish I could snap my fingers

And live the life I want

But then what is the life I want

Knowing

I some days want to be this

While others days I want to be that

When do we ever reach the point

Where we are totally satisfied

On a consistent basis

With who we are

Or do we ever reach that stage

Are we meant to constantly question

What it is

That makes us tick

Or do we really like the pursuit

Are more tantalized by it

Than the actual capture

Than actually receiving the prize

What is the prize anyway

Why am I here

When I want to be over there

Why am I doing this

Rather than that

Why I question from time to time

And as I am getting older

I am becoming less patient some days

And more patient others

I can feel the clock ticking

I can hear the clock ticking

I can see the clock ticking

Time is running out

I tell myself

Time is running out

Time tells me

My heart starts to race

My thoughts start to jumble

My anxiety barometer goes through the roof

Stop

Stop I want to tell the clock

Wait for me

Clock

Can’t you hear me

I need more time

More time

To make the right decisions

More time to make sure

I am doing

What I am meant to be doing

Can you hear me clock

Can you hear me Father Time

Because it is a strange feeling

This feeling of limbo

Where I seem to stagnate

Rather than grow

Where I seem to be standing still

While everyone else is moving around me

While the clock keeps ticking

And time keeps moving on

Without me

It seems

How is this true

Who am I

I question more and more

And what is it that I really want to do

Why am I blinded from my truth

Why do I not know my truth

Is it because I am afraid of my truth

Or is this my truth

Weird mood I am in today

Weird so I decided to explore it

Let it come through these words

Let my fingers move over the keyboard

Without filtering

Without thinking too much

Just letting the words flow through my fingertips

Let the flow go

And see where it takes me

And I find myself questioning

Questioning more than answering

Find myself in a state of

I don’t know

Where I am

What I am

Who I am

As the clock ticks

And time moves on

Is it because I am growing

Constantly changing

Sometimes in a major way

Other times in a minuscule way

Or is it because 

I feel like time is not on my side

That I am not on my side

Feel like I am looking from side to side

Ahead and backwards

But not getting the answers that I seek

Until I realize I am not getting the answers

Because I don’t know what the questions are

Don’t understand much right now

So I am just going with the flow

As my writing is showing me this morning

To trust and to let go

To stop thinking so hard

To stop trying too hard

To just stop trying to direct

To stop trying to beat the clock

To stop worrying about time

And instead accept

The clock keeps ticking

Time keeps moving on

As do I

To continue to be grateful

To continue to believe

I live in an abundant world

To continue to have faith

I am alive

Breathing

Breathing

Breathe

To let go and to remember

Some days I will be on point

And others I will not

To accept all of me

All aspects of me

And that time is time

The clock is the clock

Ticking

Ticking

Tick

Tock