An end of the year whinge attack

Okay I have a confession to make, I hate the way I look at the moment. I am about 15 to 20 pounds heavier than I should be but I can’t stop eating the chocolates that seem to be following me wherever I go. Calling my name. Taunting me.  Oh come on you can just have one more they seem to be saying to me.

I so desperately want to lose the weight particularly since 2013 is the beginning of my new decade – the big 50. I don’t want to go on any starvation diets that I won’t be able to maintain. I want to do something that changes my lifestyle allowing me to maintain the weight I lose.

I am not really a foodie type person. I eat fairly healthy except for every now and then I go on these binge eating periods where I want to eat potato chips and chocolate. Oh and I forgot French fries! My 3 vices. I am a pescatarian – meaning I only eat fish but no other meats and I love, love, love vegetables and fruit. But I am finding for the moment my body is craving junk and more junk.

I see a bag of potato chips and I’m off to the races. I glimpse a piece of chocolate and it’s in my mouth before I can even say chocolate. What is going on with me? Because they say you are what you eat so am I full of junk at the moment? Why am I craving junk when I feel like I am at one of the pivotal points of my life where I am getting all sorts of wonderful and divine messages from the Universe? Where when I ask a question I receive the answer that I need?

But why is this weight thing eluding me? What am I trying to hide from by allowing the excess weight to remain? Is it because as we age we are meant to give up on focusing so much on our physical being and instead make way for the youth to have center stage for their physical beauty while we step on stage front and center for our wisdom and internal beauty. Is it because the roles are meant to reverse? Is aging where we come to terms with who we are as a whole individual and the only way we can do that is to not see our physical beauty anymore.

I notice most women’s bodies start to change when we hit 40 – our waists become thicker. Our curves become less defined and then we punish ourselves by depriving ourselves of all the treats we like to eat until our brains take over and then we can’t stop the binge. Which is exactly where I am right now. I can’t stop the binge.

Okay I’m even getting sick of my whinging now so I’m sure you are. First of all I need to stop saying I can’t and if I really want to do something about my weight I have to make a choice about whether I am going to accept that as a mature woman I will not have the body I had when I was 20 unless I cut out everything I love to eat. That I need to stop looking at magazines and seeing all these beautiful 20 year old models and wonder why I don’t look like that anymore. Or I need to just stop eating all the things I love and be beautiful. The problem I have is how long will it last?

And then I have to get off my butt and start exercising again. Doing something that gets my metabolism going. Instead of sitting and wondering why my body is changing. It’s up to me to decide what I want to look like. And then do something about it if that is my soul’s desire.

And lastly I need to change my mindset. I have to stop calling myself fat and stop looking at myself and seeing fat. What I need to do is tell myself each and every day I am a beautiful, caring and grateful woman. That I love myself for who I am rather than hating myself for not being what I would like to be. Our minds are powerful tools that can shape us in any way we see fit. Pun intended there so it’s up to us to decide what and who we are and then we just have to be that person.

I also have to accept I am who I believe I am. I am what I eat, drink and feel.  And if I want to change any of me, it’s up to me.

But I wonder why I put so much pressure on myself to be this perfect identical being - wearing the same clothing, being the same size rather than accepting my individuality and beauty for what it is. Maybe one day I will and stop depriving myself of who I really am to make way for the real me to emerge. Exactly as I am meant to be. Exactly as I am.

So do I feel any better yet? Not sure but I do know that if I want to change anything it is totally up to me as I am a product of my imagination.