Okay I have a confession to make, I hate the way I look at
the moment. I am about 15 to 20 pounds heavier than I should be but I can’t stop
eating the chocolates that seem to be following me wherever I go. Calling my
name. Taunting me. Oh come on you can
just have one more they seem to be saying to me.
I so desperately want to lose the weight particularly since
2013 is the beginning of my new decade – the big 50. I don’t want to go on any
starvation diets that I won’t be able to maintain. I want to do something that
changes my lifestyle allowing me to maintain the weight I lose.
I am not really a foodie type person. I eat fairly healthy except
for every now and then I go on these binge eating periods where I want to eat
potato chips and chocolate. Oh and I forgot French fries! My 3 vices. I am a
pescatarian – meaning I only eat fish but no other meats and I love, love, love
vegetables and fruit. But I am finding for the moment my body is craving junk
and more junk.
I see a bag of potato chips and I’m off to the races. I
glimpse a piece of chocolate and it’s in my mouth before I can even say
chocolate. What is going on with me? Because they say you are what you eat so
am I full of junk at the moment? Why am I craving junk when I feel like I am at
one of the pivotal points of my life where I am getting all sorts of wonderful
and divine messages from the Universe? Where when I ask a question I receive
the answer that I need?
But why is this weight thing eluding me? What am I trying to
hide from by allowing the excess weight to remain? Is it because as we age we
are meant to give up on focusing so much on our physical being and instead make
way for the youth to have center stage for their physical beauty while we step
on stage front and center for our wisdom and internal beauty. Is it because the
roles are meant to reverse? Is aging where we come to terms with who we are as
a whole individual and the only way we can do that is to not see our physical
beauty anymore.
I notice most women’s bodies start to change when we hit 40 –
our waists become thicker. Our curves become less defined and then we punish
ourselves by depriving ourselves of all the treats we like to eat until our
brains take over and then we can’t stop the binge. Which is exactly where I am
right now. I can’t stop the binge.
Okay I’m even getting sick of my whinging now so I’m sure
you are. First of all I need to stop saying I can’t and if I really want to do something
about my weight I have to make a choice about whether I am going to accept that
as a mature woman I will not have the body I had when I was 20 unless I cut out
everything I love to eat. That I need to stop looking at magazines and seeing
all these beautiful 20 year old models and wonder why I don’t look like that
anymore. Or I need to just stop eating all the things I love and be beautiful.
The problem I have is how long will it last?
And then I have to get off my butt and start exercising
again. Doing something that gets my metabolism going. Instead of sitting and
wondering why my body is changing. It’s up to me to decide what I want to look
like. And then do something about it if that is my soul’s desire.
And lastly I need to change my mindset. I have to stop
calling myself fat and stop looking at myself and seeing fat. What I need to do
is tell myself each and every day I am a beautiful, caring and grateful woman.
That I love myself for who I am rather than hating myself for not being what I
would like to be. Our minds are powerful tools that can shape us in any way we
see fit. Pun intended there so it’s up to us to decide what and who we are and
then we just have to be that person.
I also have to accept I am who I believe I am. I am what I eat,
drink and feel. And if I want to change
any of me, it’s up to me.
But I wonder why I put so much pressure on myself to be this
perfect identical being - wearing the same clothing, being the same size rather
than accepting my individuality and beauty for what it is. Maybe one day I will
and stop depriving myself of who I really am to make way for the real me to
emerge. Exactly as I am meant to be. Exactly as I am.
So do I feel any better yet? Not sure but I do know that if
I want to change anything it is totally up to me as I am a product of my
imagination.
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