Surrendering to me

I woke up this morning with thousands of thoughts about what I have to do bombarding my mind. So much so I froze. My head was hurting. My breath was coming in rasps. I felt like I was suffocating. I tried hard to go back to sleep. To treat myself to just being in bed. Trying to shut off the bombardment but my eyes would not close and my mind would not stop. So I got up.

I went into the bathroom, looking for inspiration - something to calm me down. Something to ground me. Nothing. I took a deep breath trying to be as quiet as a mouse so as not to wake my sleeping family. I focused on what I can do and what I am good at rather than what I can’t and what I’m not.

And then an answer I was seeking on a problem at work came to me as crystal clear as if it had been in me all the time. And then I knew it was inside me all the time. It was a huge victory for me because it removed a massive stumbling block that had been forming in my head – causing me to hide in the darkness believing I couldn’t when all the while I could but was projecting outside rather than focusing inside.

I then walked in the laundry room with full intentions of packing all the laundry away feeling like I had my second wind to do all that I needed to do. Walking back through the office with laundry basket in hand, I stopped. Put the basket down by my computer and starting searching for whatever it was that was drawing me. Following my instincts. Listening to it. Not worrying about the laundry.

I found it in the form of meditative music. I put my earphones on and indulged myself. Feeling not guilty. Not rushed. Casting aside the feelings of wanting or needing to feel busy in order to feel like I am worthy. Realising that sometimes the need to feel guilty is an excuse not to face whatever it is that is churning inside. Listening. Breathing. Realising. Feeling a joy so deep rise up within me that tears came to my eyes. Breathing gratitude for giving myself the gift of relaxation and writing.

Ready now to tackle my day regardless of what comes my way. Understanding and accepting, “Who looks outside dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.”Carl Jung