Grateful for following my instincts yesterday

This morning I knew why I needed that time yesterday to recharge because my son is ill. Whenever he gets a cold it turns into asthma like symptoms. So he was coughing all through the night and at 5 am this morning he was coughing so hard I went to him. He was short of breath. His whole body was shaking and he was fire hot. I gave him his Ventolin and then he settled back down. I sat with him looking at my soon to be man sleeping peacefully while his body shook. I stroked his face. Ran my hands over his hair trying to comfort him. Soothe him. Let him know I was there if he needed me. He must have read my mind because he opened his eyes looked into mine and said, “Thank you.”

I nearly cried. Even in his time of trouble he still found the strength to say thank you. Not thinking about himself but about me. Wanting me to know he appreciates me. Wanting me to know he knows.  I sat with him for a little longer watching him sleep. Watching his body slowly start to relax. Stroking his face. Thinking about how quickly time has gone by from those days when I used to have rush him to the hospital at all hours in the morning to be nebulized. Grateful those days seemed to be at an end. Worried that they could begin again because we have been more relaxed with his diet considering he hasn’t has one of these attacks for such a long time.

Feeling guilty for lapsing as a mother because I did not want to be s strict with him considering I am working again and not here all the time to monitor them. Angry for feeling guilty. Mixed emotions running through me. Remembering my son looking into my eyes and saying thanks. Letting go of all negative feelings. Just watching him sleep. Knowing I am doing the best I can. Quietly getting up from his bed only for my son to stir and look up to say, “Love you mommy.”

Turning to look at my son, his eyes closed already, slowly going back to sleep and I say, “Love you too.” No answer. He’s already asleep.  I walk slowly out of his room. Closing the door behind me. Listening for a moment outside his door to make sure his breathing is okay. I go back to bed. I look at the clock and it’s 5.45.

I wonder if I should I stay in bed or just get up. I decide to just relax in bed. And before I know it, it’s 6.45 and my son is coughing again. He gets up and goes to the family room. Quietly trying not to wake anyone up. But a mother never sleeps when her children are not well so I am awake as soon as he is. I let him think he has not disturbed me up so he won’t feel guilty.

The sun was bright. The wind was strong. The day had begun and I am grateful for seeing another day and for my son making it through a rough night. He’s still coughing but brighter and so am I. And so is the day. Grateful for following my instincts yesterday and just being so I would have the energy this morning and today to help my son through his illness and not feel tired. Lesson well learnt for me – I will endeavour to trust my instincts more because they always know. They always know.