People always remember how you made them feel

“People may not remember what you did or said but they will always remember how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou

Lately I have encountered people from all walks of life, all backgrounds, intellectual capabilities and beliefs. I am finding it amazing to watch how people interact with each other. Some people want to have the one up over others. Dominate. Over power. Impress. People tend to want to prove they are smarter than others rather than accepting that at some point each one of us will be at a loss compared to others around us because that’s just the way life is. It is give and take. Yin and Yang.

The wise words of Maya Angelou  reminded me that often we focus on trying to impress rather than embrace each other. Have aggression rather than empathy. What I know for sure is I always get a good feeling for a person that makes me feel comfortable, heard, and wanted. It doesn’t matter how clever the person is or what the person does. We all tend to open up more when we feel like we are being listened to, cared for, and respected. Some people believe they will be remembered for what they did or what they said. And in some cases they will but only if they are able to touch a place in the hearts of others.

There are many people running around thinking they are experts, champions in this game called life because they believe they possess the intellectual capability and power to win people over. Intellect only opens doors when it opens and warms hearts.

Have you ever wondered why a woman like Oprah Winfrey, a man like Ghandi, a woman like Mother Theresa or a man like Nelson Mandela could become household names when they do not fit the bill of what the world perceives to be perfection? The reason why these people have been able to do so is because they make and made people feel good. Gave them hope. Faith. Love. Direction and Trust.

So the next time you are trying your hardest to win someone over try doing it by first feeling good about yourself so you can radiate that light onto that person who in turn will remember how good you made them feel.

As one of my favourite poets of all times, Maya Angelou, says, “People may not remember what you did or said but they will always remember how you made them feel.”

Think about the people that have made a difference in your life. Think about why they have made such a difference. Think about it and what you will realise is it is not because they said or did anything earth shattering. Rather it is because of the way they made you feel. Validated. Important. Loved. Heard.

Remember real power comes not from what you say or do but rather from how you make others feel.

Energy flows where attention goes

“Energy flows where attention goes.”

I read this quote last night twice and when I came back to it the third time I realised I was meant to explore it by writing about it. I also realised just how true this statement is because the mere thought of this quote drew my attention to it and my energy as well.

We are what we think is also another phrase that comes to mind further validating this quote. Wherever we put our attention that’s where we will be. That’s what our thought process will be. That’s what we will be.

Lately I have been a bit down about my weight, fixating on how tight my clothes feel. My middle age figure taking over my girl figure seemingly overnight. I am constantly calling myself fat and feeling fat so much so I am beginning to think and feel like an overweight person. I am reaching for food I never would have eaten before – chocolate, instantly makes my face break out, breads, pizza, fried foods, all things that will make me bigger rather than smaller.

This quote has made me realise I will continue to gain weight if I am fixated on thinking of myself as an overweight person rather than thinking of myself as thin. The only way I will adjust my eating patterns and eat the way I used to eat so my clothes feel comfortable on me once again is to change my mindset.

We are what we eat. We are what we think. Energy flows where attention goes. All this to say if we adjust our mindset we can become whatever it is we want to become. Focusing on what we want rather than on what we don’t want will lead us to where we feel the most content. The most joy. The most peace.

Energy flows where attention goes – my mantra for today so I won’t reach for that 3 o’clock sugar boost or second guess myself when I know I am doing the right thing despite what someone else says. It’s worth a try anyway.

A weekend to remember

I have to say I spent the last day and a half with my husband at Tucker’s Point celebrating our 20^th wedding anniversary together in absolute bliss. Just the two of us like the couple that met and fell in love some 22 years ago. It was divine, heaven sent. And absolutely and totally what the doctor ordered.

I did not write my blog yesterday because I decided to spend the time with my husband. No computers. No television. No blackberries. Just the two of us. It was blissful. Though I have to admit I was writing the whole time in my mind. Looking at the scenery, the people, the special moments my husband and I shared. Each thought, sight, sound forming a sentence in my head. A story. A tribute. But I had to let the thoughts pass because I did not want to interrupt our time.

The time away was a surprise for my husband and it turned out better than I ever expected. We arrived at the beautiful Tucker’s Pont at 2.20 in the afternoon on Saturday. We were greeted by the doorman with a warm and friendly welcome. My husband went to park the car which gave me the opportunity to finalise all the surprises I had in store for him. The welcome by the reception desk was unbelievable.

I was told Alex, the lady I had made all the plans with, had upgraded us to a suite for our 20^th anniversary. Lovely. Then Mr. Paul Telford came out to tell how the evening was going to work out. I felt so special knowing everyone at the hotel was as excited as I was about our anniversary celebration.

We then went to our suite which was stunning and tastefully done – almost like something out of Martha’s Vineyard. High ceilings. Old world decor. Cosy yet roomy. Oozing just that bit of romance so desired at a time like that. Then to add to the ambiance, our suite overlooked Castle Harbour and was in the lee of the wind. We stood on the balcony looking out at the blue ocean, feeling like we had totally escaped from the everyday and had stepped into an oasis of love. The colours of the Bermuda ocean are like no other blue anywhere else in the world. We breathed in the beautiful scenery. Hugging each other. Grateful for each other and the abundance in our lives.

Next on the agenda was a couple massage in the amazing spa. The spa is nestled in its own wing in the hotel with a pool and garden area to die for.  We were met by our masseuses and spent the next 80 minutes being pampered and relaxed. After our massages, we sat out in the lounge chairs surrounding a long rectangular fountain pool flowing ever so gently. Listening to the soothing sounds of running water. Restful. Sublime. We sat under the most feminine pink umbrellas. So wistful and oh so romantic. Just the two of us again. No one else around. The sun was starting to fade a bit but was trying its best to give us its last burst of warmth as we lay enjoying every minute of the serenity we were surrounded by. Inhaling. Exhaling. Clutching each other’s hand. No words spoken. No words needing to be spoken. The atmosphere and love between us was more than any words that could be spoken at that moment.

We then went back to our room. Slowly this time. No rush. Allowing us to notice how elegant the hallway to our room was. Almost floor to ceiling windows along the left side of the hallway allowing the light to stream in, giving the feeling of endless space. The high ceilings. The wide hall giving an even more open and airy feeling. We stopped half way down the hall and took in the view from the double doors strategically placed so one could admire the infinity pool appearing not to end, flowing into the trees below then seemingly opening to Harrington Sound just beyond. Giving the feel of water, meeting woods, meeting the Sound. Beautiful. Pleasing to the eye. We hugged again.

Then we walked back to our room to find a note from Mr. Telford congratulating us on our 20^th anniversary with chocolate covered strawberries and a bottle of champagne chilled on ice. Aah we both exhaled. Popping open the bottle of champagne feeding each other strawberries as we sat on our balcony again taking in the breathtaking scenery many would die to experience. Gratitude. Love, Peace. Abundance. All in one.

We enjoyed our room for the next few hours. Just the two of us. Finding each other again, Exploring, Talking. Loving. Joy. Then it was time to dress for dinner. I had chosen a special cobalt blue dress, the very colour I had worn some 22 years before on our first date. To remind my husband of from whence we had come. The journey he had spoken about on our first date being more important than the destination. The path less travelled being the most fulfilling.

My husband looking handsome in his tux. Both of us giddy from excitement of love - in anticipation of what lay ahead. We walked to the Library where more champagne awaited us. We sat next to the fireplace when our waiter came in and lit it for us further adding to the romance of the moment. We held hands. Looking into each other eyes. Each other’s souls. Feeling the love between us. My husband blown away because I had chosen to wear the cobalt blue dress. Telling me how beautiful I looked. How I was still the beautiful woman he had first met all those years ago.

Then it was time for dinner. The next surprise for my husband. Our dinner was not going to be in the impersonal restaurant but rather set up and served in our suite. My husband even more appreciative of the fact that I had dressed up just for him. Not to impress anyone else but for his eyes only.

To say the dinner was one of the most intimate experiences of our marriage is an understatement. From the food choices I had made to the wine, to dinner being served in our room. Everything was perfect. I had researched the wines to make sure I had the best choice for my wine connoisseur husband. And it turned out I did not disappoint. He loved it. Smooth he said about the wine.

We finished dinner and sat on our couch in each other’s arm talking about our journey. Loving each other. Being totally with each other. No one else.

Then yesterday morning we woke up to sunshine streaming through our windows. We took our time getting out of bed. Relaxed. No stress. Ordered room service.  Had our breakfast out on our balcony overlooking the Harbour. Clear blue skies. Wispy white clouds. Gentle breeze. Love in the air. Love all around.

We ended our stay rather reluctantly by walking through the picturesque grounds. Admiring the colour burst of flowers surrounding the crochet lawn, the winding paths taking us to the infinity pool we had admired from afar. The wonderful sun on our backs. Walking back through the arches to see the ocean on the other side. Holding hands like the young and carefree people we were when we had first met. With stars in our eyes, Hope in our step. Love flowing through us. Renewed. Rejuvenated. Ready to step out of our oasis back to reality with the memories of the time we had spent totally immersed in each other. Together. With no intrusions. No distractions. Just us loving each other once again.

Tucker’s Point is definitely a place that will forever hold special memories for us from the treatment we were given, the level of service and the total feeling of escape –a reward for all the darkness we have endured as we basked in the light for our 20th. Ready now to endure what’s to come. Remembering always love conquers all. And the journey is far more important than the destination. The road less travelled is the most fulfilling as long as we remember love.

Changing our attitude changes who we are

Yesterday was a very strange day for my daughter and me. It started out with lots of drama because she did not want to do cross country and her school had planned for all the Upper Primaries to take part in an Inter-House cross country competition.

She had made up her mind that she hated cross country and didn’t see why she had to do it so she spent the morning crying and pouting and generally being miserable about the whole thing. She couldn’t understand why some people didn’t have to do it but she did. She didn’t want my husband and me to come and watch because she wanted to keep feeling sorry for herself and she didn’t think she would do well.

Then yesterday afternoon, I left work a little early because she had signed herself up to do an audition for the Bermuda Youth’s Got Talent show. She had signed up to do a dance with her cousin who decided this week that she did not want to do the show because she does not like being on stage. My daughter was very disappointed at first but then decided she still wanted to do the audition so she redid her dance for herself. She practised over the three days with such determination that she made me proud.

So when my husband dropped her off to me to go to the audition, I was wondering how she would be after having been “forced” to do the cross country. Well it turns out she came fifth overall in the cross country in a field of about 40 girls! So she actually did incredibly well. When I asked her how she did it, she said, “I  think I do much better when I have an audience because then I get nervous and I get an extra push to do better and that’s what happened for the race. I don’t usually do well in gym when I do cross country but I do better when it’s a competition.”

She was feeling pretty proud of herself. Then when we got her dressed for the audition and she looked like the Princess she was portraying in her dance, once again I saw a transformation in her. She looked so determined and so ready to do her thing on her own. We talked as we walked in for the audition and she said she really loves being on stage. But when they asked if she was ready, she nervously said no and grabbed my hand. Her whole face looking terrified. Then I told her to remember what she had said about being on stage. The light came back into her face as she repeated, “I do like being on stage mommy.”  And with that her confidence came back.

As she walked to the stage, she grabbed my hand and asked me to come with her to the stage but not to stand where she could see me. I stood to the side so I could not see her but I watched the audience to gauge their reaction as my little eight year old danced by herself on the big stage to a dance she had choreographed all on her own and practised for only three days. I saw them enjoying her dance. My heart was racing. My palms were sweaty because I was nervous and proud at the same time.

When she finished everyone clapped. She ran off the stage and she grabbed my hand. Once again my fragile little girl. I could feel her whole body shaking and her little palms just as sweaty as mine. To say I had gone from a parent who was angry with my little girl in the morning to one in the afternoon whose heart was bursting with pride at her bravery and determination to do what she wanted to do regardless of whether anyone else did is an understatement.

Even if she does not get into the final cut for the show, I will always remember how she transformed herself from that broken little girl in the morning to the determined and regal girl in the afternoon simply because she believed in herself and adjusted her attitude accordingly. A lesson I will take out of her book and apply to my own.

The true self does not die

When I was young I thought people over forty were ancient. I thought their lives were over. Now I am nearly fifty and I hear young people uttering the same words I did when I was their age. I see them looking at me with the same look I did when I saw older people. Some with awe. Others with respect. Others trying to figure out whether they should call me ma'am.

I once asked my mother-in-law, who is now eighty five, if she felt different because she was aging. I asked if her thoughts had changed. I asked if she thought of herself as an old woman or if she still thought of herself as a young girl?

She thought about it for a while. Quiet. Reflective. I worried I had offended her.  Then she said very slowly that although she had physically changed, she felt she was pretty much the same person on the inside she has always been. She laughed then and said she only realises she is old when she can’t do all the things she used to because of her physical limitations. But her mind is the same as it has always been.

I have been thinking about aging and death for a while. Particularly now that I am approaching my half century on this earth. And with the sudden deaths of so many high profile people as well as people I went to school with. Then last night I came across a quote that resonated with me on a very deep and personal level.

Marianne Williamson said, “The true self does not age, nor does it die. The body is simply a suit of clothes we wear, it ages but we do not, and it dies but we do not.”

After reading this quote so many thoughts became crystal clear to me. Aging is a natural process that none of us can stop except when we die, which is also a natural process that we cannot defy. Aging and death are the natural orders of life. Our physical beings are merely reflections of the sort of lives we are living on this physical plane called Earth

I thought about my mother-in-law’s words of wisdom and here I am some twenty years later, twenty years older, yet my essence self is still the same. I am still the girl who was born 48 years ago. With the same nature, purpose and presence of mind. My experiences have grown and shaped me but at the core I am still the same person I was born to be. My body has changed somewhat over the years. My face has matured. But inside I am exactly the same as I was when I was born. When I was ten. When I was twenty. When I was thirty. When I was forty. And still I am as I was as I am as I will be.

So why do we spend so much time trying to cheat our age? Hide from the physical limitations of our bodies when all they represent are the clothes our souls wear. Aging and death are natural parts of our journeys. And rather than fighting them, we ought to embrace them, love them, go with them because they are who we were. Who we are. And who we will be. Infinite. Perpetual beings.

Celebrating 20 years of marriage

Yesterday was my 20th wedding anniversary! I know. I can’t believe it either. Where has the time gone since the day my husband and I walked down the aisle with starry eyes, plans for our future? Envisioning a life much different to the one we are living.

We married thinking we would have no children. Be free to do as we pleased. Live fairly self indulgent lives. Not answering to anyone but ourselves. But life has taken us on a different path by allowing us to become parents.

As we look back over our history – a rich and varied history that has taken us to places we thought we would never go both physically and mentally. Causing us to explore who we are. Forcing us to confront our Inner Child issues. Sometimes pretty ugly and daunting. Other times beautiful causing us to fly high as individuals and as a couple. Loving each other as if there was no tomorrow.

When we gave each other our cards we wrote just about the same thing to each other. We are proud of what we have built together. Kept going together. Even during those times when we felt like we could endure no more. When the light never seemed to shine. We kept going. Kept believing. Seeing what we have. Looking at our children. Understanding the looks we exchange without having to say a word. Always knowing without the other we could not be where we are today.

We went out to a family dinner – the four of us celebrating the life we have built as a couple first and now as a family. Each one of us brining something slightly different to the family dynamic. The pride in our faces as we sat at the dinner table enjoying our family and our history. Sharing an intimacy that no one outside of our family unit could ever understand or be a part of because it is something we have built together.

Looking at my husband, I felt a deep and strong love knowing he is the man that I walked down the aisle with 20 years before. Now he is the father of our children. The man who can fix anything. Do anything. One who I can rely on. Never worried that he will do anything to hurt me or our family. Knowing he is a man of his word. Not perfect. But neither am I. Understanding we are as perfect as imperfect human beings can be. Loving each other. Hating each other. Angry with each other. Tolerating each other. Sometimes happy. Other times not.  But deep down inside feeling this love that binds us. Keeps us together.

Feelings changing day by day but at the core of it all, a love that has matured beyond just the physical to a love that is enduring, trusting, destined, and strong. Continuing our lives. Building those of our children. Surrounded by the spirit of love.

Ending the evening together with our daughter saying, Smooch. Both our children standing expectantly. Waiting for us, their parents, to smooch. The light that came into their eyes when we did was the best anniversary present anyone could ask for. Priceless. Precious. Then we all did a family hug. My husband and I with our son nearly as tall as we are now and our daughter squashed in the middle – exactly where she loves to be. Telling each other we love each other.

Now that’s what 20 years is supposed to feel like – love renewed and felt between us as a couple and as a family. May the next 20 be as loving and rewarding.

We are always changing

Home. There’s nothing like coming home to the happy faces of my family. Relief. Love and the comfort of my own bed.

Last night I flew back home and my trip back was a completely different experience from the trip out. The flight was smooth. Effortless. And without one bump. Looking out at the dark sky at first it seemed as if there was nothing there but us because of the flashing lights on the airplane’s wings. But as my eyes became more adjusted to the flashing lights and the dark sky, I saw that we were flying in a sky full of bright stars. Twinkling. Golden lights.

The more I looked at the stars the more mesmerised I became. It felt like we were not moving because the scenery did not appear to change. The stars seemed to be the same ones the whole way back. Nothing seemed to change. It felt strange - like we were suspended in time. Yet we were moving and moving quick quickly through the sky.

It was then that I realised the lesson of my flight. Sometimes everything around us can appear as if it is stagnant, not moving. Like we are standing in one spot. Frustration mounts. We wonder why our lives are as they are. We want something to change. Something. Anything to happen instead of feeling as if life is passing us by while we are transfixed to the spot.

What my flight taught me is that life is constantly changing. Our lives included. Sometimes we may seem to be in the same spot because our scenery is not changing, But what we need to know is that we are always changing, responding to the Universe around us every single day. The scenery may appear to be the same but if we looked closely we would see that we are moving. We are growing. But sometimes the change is not dramatic or earth shattering. But if we believe we are where we are meant to be soon we will discover that our every day routines and experiences have been shaping us to be exactly where we need to be.

Then my flight landed. It felt like I had been on it for five minutes instead of two hours. And despite the scenery not appearing to change, I had travelled several hundred miles to get home to the smiling faces of my family. And this is what life does for us all, if we don’t resist we will always end up where we are meant to be. Go with the flow. There is always a reward. Always something to be grateful for.  Mine last night was arriving safely back home to my family. Sleeping in my own bed. Feeling the love of my family. Going to sleep relieved that life brought me back home safely. Gratitude.

Where there is a will, there is a way

You know the expression, “where there is a will there is a way”. That was my experience this morning when I tried to write my blog. I dropped my personal laptop and now it has a cracked screen so I can’t see the top of the screen. My other laptop would not allow me to get online. I felt like my lifeline had been cut off. My writing means everything to me and I could not write. I tried everything to move the crack because it is right at the top of the screen so it obscures the instructions for most of the sites and programmes I use. I was panic stricken. Frozen.

What was I going to do? How was I going to write my thoughts down? More importantly I questioned what my cracked screen was trying to tell me. What was the fact that I could not get on the Internet trying to tell me? Was I not supposed to write while travelling? Was my writing over?

All sorts of self doubt and fear clouded my brain. I had left my grateful journal home. And now my screen was cracked. I thought for a moment about how I would still be able to connect with my inner self.

Despite not having my journal to write in, I closed my eyes and gave thanks anyway for arriving safely at my destination. My second flight smooth compared to the first. And the gratitude spread through me. I relaxed and decided to accept my cracked screen for what it was.

After opening my eyes, I realised the hotel has a Clubroom so guests can uses computers and the Internet. And that the saying when one door closes another opens is really true. No my personal laptop is not working and I could not access the Internet from my room but those were only obstacles for me to create a solution. And I did. I got dressed and rushed downstairs to write.

So here I am writing again. Wishing I had put my personal laptop in its proper place in my laptop bag so that when my bag fell over it was protected. But I hadn’t so there was nothing I could do to change that situation. I can’t go back and repack it. It’s broken and I have to get it fix. However what I did do to find a solution to my conundrum was to change the way I was reacting to my broken laptop and lack of Internet access. And now I am happily writing feeling my mind, body and soul opening back up again. Relief. Joy.

Because I know I have been given another opportunity to learn this life lesson, instead of focusing on what we can’t do all the time, we need to focus on what we can do. Open our eyes and see that what we can do is right there in front of us. It’s just whether we are willing to shift our way of thinking in order to find the solution we are looking for. My crackled laptop and lack of Internet access taught me that. "Where there is a will, there is a way." And for this lesson I am truly grateful.

Travel can be eye opening

Travel can be an eye opening experience especially when you go through turbulence while flying as I did yesterday. I was really tired because I got up very early yesterday morning to do all the things I had put off on Saturday to spend the day with Whitney. So as soon as I got on the flight I fell asleep. Only to be woken up by the airplane rocking and rolling. My heart in my throat. Racing. Worrying. I really don’t like flying without my family because I feel guilty for leaving them and worry I may not get back to see them. So when that flight starting bucking I started praying. Asking the Universe to get me where I needed to be. To do what I had to do then get me back home to my family.

After saying my prayer I opened my eyes and looked out the window and was so surprised to see the clear blue skies above us. The big white puffy clouds beneath us. But yet we were being rocked all over the place. The airplane was squeaking. Moving up and down. I was confused. There was nothing outside that looked violent. Nothing looked capable of creating such turbulence. My mind was saying but there has to be something so I looked harder. Still nothing. Then I realized that just like life, there are invisible forces we have no control over that can change the dynamics of situations we find ourselves. Sometimes we can’t see them. But we can feel them. Sometimes we don’t understand them but they are there.

Though the outside looked beautiful and serene. The clouds like pillows that I could sleep on. Like they would be so soft and protective. The sky the colour blue that is so beautiful it’s difficult to explain. But their beauty was deceiving because there were forces between them that were causing the air to be turbulent. And then I saw them, the tendrils, almost invisible at first, stretching across the sky. Moving in and out. Snaking. Appearing and disappearing. Tiny tendrils of clouds moving over and around the airplane and every time they did, the airplane rocked. 

At that point, I had my second epiphany and it was that sometimes it’s the small things in life that can be the most significant, have the most impact. We don’t have to look for the dramatic things to make a difference in our loves. Sometimes it’s the small steps. Just like those little tendrils of clouds seemed so insignificant I didn’t even see them at first because I was looking for the storm clouds, the dramatic. When all the while, it was those little clouds that were rocking us about.

We need not be disappointed with the small steps we take in life. Because it could be those steps that lead to the change we have always been looking for. If little wispy clouds can rock a plane full of people, small steps can have significant impact on our lives as well.

There are lessons all around us. In every step we take. Every breath we take. Everything we see. Everything we hear. Everyone and everything that comes into our lives come for a reason. We just have to be open to receive the lesson.

What’s even more satisfying is once I accepted the turbulence for what it was, just like that it disappeared. Gone. And then a peace came over me as I thanked the Universe for the lesson it gave me once again. For my turbulent journey yesterday I am totally grateful.

In gratitude to Whitney again

I spent the afternoon with Whitney Houston yesterday. Watching her family, friends, and colleagues sharing stories about her. Personalizing her. Painting a picture of the human being Whitney. Not the superstar. Not the woman who had fallen from grace in the eyes of many.

What yesterday confirmed for me was that Whitney was a human being just like the rest of us. Full of insecurities. Self doubt. Fear. Despite the heights she had risen to – she never saw it . Never believed it. She never became super human as we all wanted her to. As she herself probably wanted to be.

She was a woman. A mother. A daughter. A sister. A niece. A friend. A mentor. Most of all, she was a human being. I am so glad I spent the afternoon with her because she taught me through her spirit that it is not what you do in life. Rather it is how you do you. She reminded me that it doesn't matter the trials we have been through. At the end of the day we are remembered for how we were as a person. How we treated others.

She reminded me that life is not about the destination. It is about the choices we make. The paths we take. The joy we bring to our hearts. And to the hearts of others.

Yesterday was a day of surrender for me. A day when all I had to do was cast aside so I could spend the afternoon with Whitney celebrating her life. Giving thanks for all the hope and joy she put into my heart when we were both twenty two years old and she broke out with, the Greatest Love of All. Setting me on a path to learning to love myself as the greatest love of all. Enabling me to go out into the world as love.

Sometimes we wonder why life takes us on paths we never thought we would ever go on. Down roads that terrify us. Brings us face to face with the bogey man we thought only existed in our worst nightmares. Brings us to our knees. Begging for direction. Help.

Sometimes we wonder why people who seem to have it all don't realize they do and make choices that take them far far away from the light only to cut them down when they start making their way back to the light as in the case of Whitney. Watching her life celebration yesterday, I understood the why  without a doubt. It is so they can become our light - our way out of the darkness. To light the path ahead for us. To help us understand that even when we have it all if we don't learn to love the man or woman in the mirror, we will never be free. We will never know the greatest love of all. The love of self.

To Whitney, we made it through the mid eighties and nineties together. Now you’ve moved on to a different place, dimension and time but your spirit will linger forever in my heart.

Whenever I hear your songs, your voice, I will remember the gift you left behind for me and for those who choose to believe, the gift of learning to love ourselves.

RIP Whitney. Your work here is done. It's now up to the rest of us to continue to be love, give love and receive love. So that when our time is done, everyone will speak love of us as well. And we don't have to be Superstars to be so and do so.

I was reduced to tears at the end of her life celebration. Just listening to her voice as clear as that of an angel singing,

“If I should stay, 
I would only be in your way. 
So I'll go, but I know 
I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way. 

And I will always love you. 
I will always love you. 
You, my darling you. Hmm. 

Bittersweet memories 
that is all I'm taking with me. 
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry. 
We both know I'm not what you, you need. 

And I will always love you. 
I will always love you. 

I hope life treats you kind 
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of. 
And I wish to you, joy and happiness. 
But above all this, I wish you love. 

And I will always love you. 
I will always love you. 
I will always love you. 
I will always love you. 
I will always love you. 
I, I will always love you. 

You, darling, I love you. 
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you.”

Thank you Whitney for showing us the light through your darkness...RIP. 

Saturday morning reminding me of staying in the moment

Today is one of those beautiful days where I started the morning off by just lying in bed with my daughter cuddled up in my arms. Feeling her little heart beating against mine. Her warm body snuggled into mine. My husband snoring beside me. The light streaming through the windows. The birds chirping outside. And despite all the things I have to do today, I lay there and inhaled all that I have to be grateful for. I looked at the clock and started to panic. But the closeness of my family was too wonderful and comforting for me to want to move. To break the magic of that moment.

I looked at the clock and another half hour had gone by. My mind still racing but my heart telling  me to stay. Savour the moment. Be in the moment. Because tomorrow I will be flying out again for work. Leaving my family again. So I wanted to savour the time I have with them. Enjoy the minutes of pushing the stress and worries to the back of my mind. Letting it all go. Surrendering.

Then they both awoke at the same time. My daughter talking as soon as she opened her eyes. Excited about the birthday party and sleepover she was going to later in the day. My guilt of leaving them eased a bit as I realised she was content enough to go to her friend’s house and not worry about me leaving again.

I will miss her little Brownie Parade tomorrow as I will be flying. Of course I feel guilty about that. But I did go to her little dance show on Friday afternoon. Sometimes we won’t be there for them all the time but most of the time I am there for them. I remind myself of that when everyone starts moving around the house. Each one of us doing what we have to do.

My son tells me he wishes I wouldn’t leave them so much. Guilt comes back again. I swallow it. And tell him this is where my life is taking me at the moment and that I am always with them even if not physically. Love covers all distances, time and space. Close his eyes and he will feel my love always.

As I am typing I am looking at the sun moving in and out of the clouds. Light coming in and out. Wild chickens running through the yard . Trees blowing in the breeze. Reminding me that nothing lasts forever. Except love. This trip will come and go and I will be home before I know it. My family back together. Settling back into our routines. Forgetting about my trip. And moving on to the next thing.

I am grateful for taking this moment to remind myself of savouring the moment. Being in the moment. And letting all else go.

We are all learning

Last night my son made me so mad that I walked out of his room and slammed the door. I was angry more because he rejected me and my ideas. Angry and afraid because I feel he is starting to don his wings in preparation for his transition from childhood to adulthood. Embarrassed because he was the adult at that moment and I was the child. Ashamed because I had hurt him probably more than he had hurt me.

I walked into the kitchen with all these thoughts racing through my mind. Then I remembered a passage I had read the other day when I went to Yoga. I went to my bag to find it and read it out loud over and over again until I calmed down,

 “We are all learning. Do not deny anyone because they are on a different path. We are all learning, If someone asks, simply share what you know. If that person wants to do the same thing, fine, if not, fine too. With such an attitude you will learn to love everyone, respect everyone, and there will be harmony in your life.”

The anger, embarrassment, and shame crept out of my being and I walked back into my son’s room only to find him crying because I had hurt him. He apologised to me despite me acting like the child. I apologised to him telling him that though I am his mother I am still human and have feelings too. That I can be hurt too. I told him every word I speak to him is to try to guide him through life not to hamper his growth. I told him it’s probably difficult for him to grasp at this stage but one day when he becomes a parent he will understand that all parents are doing the best they can. We hugged each other tight and told each other we love each other.

Once I apologised to him, I received a gift from the Universe when I came across a YouTube video of a singer called Aloeblacc shared by Deepak Chopra. He was singing a song called, “Mama Hold my hand”. It was one of the most touching and beautiful songs I have ever heard recorded. More so because it was a message sent to me from the Universe to help me to understand that my children want me to hold their hand in the beginning because they don’t know how to cross the road by themselves. Towards the adolescence stage, exactly where my son is now, they will not want to hold my hand because they think they can cross the street by themselves. And I have to let them so they can stumble and fall on their own. To allow them to come back to me and ask for me to hold their hand again as they learn to cross the road of responsibility – careers, marriage, parenthood. And I will willing hold their hand so that when it comes time for me to need them to hold my hand because I am no longer strong enough to cross the street on my own, they will willingly come and take my hand and walk me across the street.

Life is a full circle process where we are all learning. Guiding, Helping. Teaching, Loving and Accepting. Roles reversing all the time, so we can teach and be taught. And sometimes we have to accept our children are just as much our teachers as we are theirs. Fulfilling all roles in this circle of life.  Accepting we are all learning. Always.

The gift of the outdoors

Yesterday was one of those days that was sent by the Universe for us all to enjoy. Pristine, crisp air. No humidity. Fluffy white clouds. Perfect sunshine. It was one of those days that reminded me just how much we have to be grateful for.

I decided to walk to my doctor’s appointment yesterday because of the beauty of the day. As I walked I marvelled at being outside again. Since starting work I have not been outside much during the work week. I forgot how fresh the air can feel on my face. I forgot how wonderful it feels to inhale deeply. I forgot how nourishing the sun can feel on my skin. I felt so much more alert after experiencing the outdoors. I have decided that each day I am going to make myself go outside even if it’s for a few minutes just to get that fresh air into my lungs rejuvenating my mind, body and soul.

I drive in to work in the mornings and park under the building. Take the elevator up to my office. Once I am inside I have no idea what the day is like outside because I have no windows. And because of the convenience of underground parking, I was driving everywhere I needed to go. But after experiencing the great outdoors yesterday I realise I have been cheating myself of fresh air and a free chance to rejuvenate.

I am so grateful for recognising the need to be outdoors particularly on a day when it is the epitome of perfection.  I know I can’t waste those days inside ever again. I have to get out and smell the air, inhale it, appreciate it. I have to walk in the sunshine relishing in the fact that every cell in my body feels pure joy for being outside. I know it is essential to nourish my mind, body and soul.

Looking around at the outdoors made me realise every single day there is something to be grateful for even if it’s as simple as the beauty of the sky. The trees. The sound of birds chirping. Waking up in the morning. Get outside and feel the life come back into your soul. Increasing your serotonin levels naturally without the chocolate!

Try it. You might like it too.

The Power of the Universe is always with us

Last night I drove home feeling exhausted and drained. Why? I don’t know but the air seemed heavy for some strange reason. It didn’t feel the same as the morning when I left for work surrounded by a ball of love.

For some reason the day did not feel like Valentine’s Day. It felt like something else. Something I couldn’t put my finger on.

While I was driving I was trying to understand my thoughts. Process them. Listen to them. To see what they were trying to tell me. Nothing. Then I crested the top of Rural Hill and looked out over the horizon and felt an immense sense of peace.  There in front of me was the most complex set of clouds. Heavy, dark resting on top of a clear red sky with hints of blue. The sight was breathtaking. Everything round me seemed to standstill. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. Like everything else was moving but I was in a different place and time from everything else.

For a split second I felt I had connected fully with the Universe as a silence enveloped my brain. All the chatter had stopped and I felt like I was suspended in time. My whole body shivered. And I let out a deep sigh. The tension melted and I let the serenity of that moment linger within me for as long as I could.

Before I knew it, the moment was gone and I was moving down the hill. The horizon obscured by the buildings, trees, and the hill. But the memory lingered in my mind of the beauty I had seen and felt. Truly felt.  And then I knew what my thoughts were trying to tell me.

I need to take the time when I am overwhelmed to look at what is right in front of me. And once I do, I will feel the support of the universe. Encouraging me. Helping me. Directing me. Always. Without question. Whenever I need it. If I am open to it. The answers are all there. If I just take the time to listen. To surrender.

The Universe will not always answer me directly. Not aloud but with the display of its immense power and beauty in a sunset, a tree, a flower, a gesture.  And for that blessing and message  I am truly grateful.

Valentine's Day a day to remind us of what true love is

Valentine’s Day today. A day of love. A day when most everyone is in a good mood because love is in the air. Everyone has an excuse to smile at each other. Flowers are delivered. Balloons arrive. Chocolate abounds.

There is a certain expectancy in the air as well as people expect to get flowers, or chocolates. Some are disappointed when they don’t. Others wish they had someone to share their love with.

The light tends to overrule the darkness on this day because the air is full of love and light. If only we could capture the sentiment expressed today.  Bottle it. Then give a little out every day so people would not forget how good love feels.

Valentine’s Day was created as a day to remember love. To give love. To express love. To be love. Over the years it has been transformed into a commercial money making day for florists, card and chocolate manufacturers, and jewellers causing many to forget what the day is supposed to be about.

It is not meant to be a day of material giving. It is supposed to be a day of pure and unconditional love instead where we smile at everyone we meet. Give off feelings of love and contentment. Spread positive energy . Without expectation. Without wanting anything in return. Just giving love. Lifting our mind, body and souls.

Valentine’s Day is meant to remind us of how much we are creatures of love. Creatures who want to be loved and give love.

More importantly, in order to give love we must feel love for ourselves first. No amount of flowers, jewellery, cards or chocolate can fill us up if we don’t know love ourselves. Before walking out of the door this morning, look in the mirror and say, “I love you” to your image in the mirror. Stand and look at your reflection for a while savouring the warmth that spreads through your body as a result. Watch the smile form on your face. Then say it one more time, “I love you”.  Your whole being will feel pure joy, bliss and love like no other. Think of Whitney singing, “The greatest love of all is happening to me. Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all...”

Now you are ready to spread love today because you know and feel that you are love and only love. That's true love. May your hearts and souls be filled with love, peace and joy. Today and every day.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Success is not a pinnacle, it is a journey

Does anyone know what the true meaning of success is? Why is it that so many people, who to the outside world, had reached their pinnacles, like Michael Jackson, Any Winehouse, and now Whitney Houston, could not control the demons inside them.

To us on the outside looking in, they had it all. The success. The fame. The glory. But what did it all mean? Why are they all dying trying to hold onto a world that only existed in their imaginations – a place they feel safe when under the influence of drugs.

Has success been taken to a whole new level now? Are we expecting too much from people? Wanting to be inside their heads all the time. Rooting for them when they are doing well. Turning our backs on them when they fall. Has life become like a spectator sport where we are living vicariously through the lives of others?  Through the lives of superstars. Expecting them to be more than they are capable of being. Expecting them to be on form at all times. Angry when they aren’t. Knowing full well that we aren’t on form all the time.

Some of us even seem to relish in the fall of these stars because somehow it makes our lives seem that much better knowing they had it all but couldn’t handle it. Many of us say what a waste. If I had their talent I would be unstoppable. Would we? Could we?

Do we think because these people are superstars that somehow they do not have the same limitations as we do. Forgetting they are imperfect human beings just as we are.  Do they come to believe they are infallible too because we hold them to a completely different standard? Do they buy into the hype and start taking drugs because it numbs the reality of their human limitations? And allows them to fly. Makes them feel inhuman and invincible as we think they are.

How do we define success? When I heard about Whitney the first thought that ran through my mind was boy am I glad I’m not famous because for now being famous seems to equate to a drug overdose, demons constantly chasing you and a fear of confronting self because self is not authentic. Is it better to be ordinary people who can blend into the crowd when need be with no pressure from anyone but ourselves? Rather than millions of people from around the world watching, judging our every move. Critiquing our every action. Commenting on how bad we look. Knocking us down even further when we are down rather than building us up.

The pressure must be immense. People who step into this never ending limelight have to be strong. Have to know who they are. Their true authentic selves. Without question or doubt. So that when the naysayers come and the bogey man is rapping at the door they can stand tall and erect and not falter.

In some ways they have to possess the powers of a superhuman to withstand the intense scrutiny if they want to make it in this world. And most of all they cannot take themselves too seriously because at the end of the day, they are human just like we are.

I think too many people get caught up in believing success is a destination rather than understanding it is a journey that moves and changes with us. The pinnacle is never reached because there is no pinnacle, just meandering paths that continue us on our journey. We need to stop looking at success as something we have achieved.  Instead, we need to enjoy it for what it is. Diving into its flow. Without question. Without suspicion. Just floating, floating on....

Goodbye Whitney I will always love you

Whitney Houston. What more can I say. Another one of my wonderful memories of youth gone. To say I am devastated is an understatement.

I found out last night while I was at a black tie event celebrating and raising funds for the Arts, just as the dancers were about to come on stage. Someone turned to me and said, I just heard Whitney Houston died.

My heart nearly stopped. All I could think about was the possibility that had lain before her. The talent she had. Her daughter who had instantly become a motherless daughter just like me.  I thought about all the events and special occasions her daughter would never be able to share with her mother. I shivered. Sounds seemed muted.

As the dancers glided across the stage, I half watched them thinking about Whitney and the irony of me sitting watching performing arts knowing a light had gone out in that world. The Voice was no more. I hoped she wasn’t alone. I hoped she wasn’t sad. I could see Whitney’s face as clear as day in front of me. I could hear her singing. I didn’t know what to do.

It felt odd to be sitting watching a dance while her family grieved the loss of their daughter, mother, niece, cousin and friend. I thought she was trying to find her way out of the darkness. I thought about when I first fell in love with her singing.  “The greatest Love of all”. That song became my mantra when I was experiencing a dark period in my life in 1985. We were the same age. I admired her.

I would stand in the mirror and sing, “Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all”...  believing  if I did I would be okay. I thought I could be like the power I heard in her voice as she sang. I thought she sang it so powerfully because she believed in the words. “The greatest love of all is easy to achieve”. Now I believe  she probably sang that song with such strength because she so desperately wanted to believe them. To feel them.

Looking at Whitney in the early days when she burst onto the scene she appeared to be such a Diva surrounded by strong women – her mother, her Godmother Aretha Franklin, and her iconic Aunt Dionne Warwick. Maybe she felt she wasn’t good enough. Couldn’t fill their shoes. Even though to the outside world she more than filled them.

Perhaps celebritydom pushed her over the edge. Perhaps she didn’t want to portrayed as the squeaky clean image that everyone held her to in the beginning and that’s why she chose ”bad boy” Bobby Brown. Soon after that the Whitney who had become iconic in so many of our minds became almost a joke. I know I felt betrayed at first about who she had become. Until I realised you don’t become, you always are.

She spiralled out of control and all of us wrote her off. Disappointed with her. Judging her. Watching her descend more and more into the darkness. Divorce Bobby. Making a comeback. Her interview on Oprah gave me hope she was on her way back to the Light.

Her song,  “ I wasn’t built to Break” became my mantra last year when I found myself jobless overnight and I  was searching  for who I was and who I am. Like her I felt I could make it through anything because trials may come but if I believed, anything was possible. I really thought she was feeling the same way. But she obviously couldn’t stop herself from being drawn to the dark side. Being drawn to escapism rather than reality.

I am extremely sad to know that Whitney, a woman my age. A woman I entered womanhood with who had the voice of an angel never learned to love herself. Never learned to forgive herself. Never accepted that she wasn’t built to break . Told Diane Sawyer, “The biggest devil is me. I’m either my best friend or my worst enemy.” Her worst enemy overpowered her best friend and she succumbed. Died. In a hotel room. On the day of one of her opportunities to show the world and more importantly herself the power she still had.

Or was her exit her last Swansong knowing she was going to be on the tips of everyone’s tongues because she had made her last appearance the night before shakily singing, “Yes Jesus loves me...” Always looking to the outside for love rather than within.

Whitney, I will always love you. You were a beautiful and talented woman who burst onto the scene when many of us your age were looking for hope. And you gave it to me and to us but not to yourself. I’m just sad you never embraced the hope and love you always had.

Rest in Peace Whitney. The curtains have come down. The rocky road is done. Judgement is over and now you have the wings to soar. Your voice will always be with us. I will always love you....

Forgiveness teaches us compassion

Forgiveness is probably on of the most liberating feelings except for some of us it is so hard to do. I believe forgiveness is one act we all can easily understand but tend to overlook or suppress. The reason why I believe this is because at  some point in all of our lives, we have done something we are not proud of and wish we could take back. At some point in all our lives, we have reacted in a way we are embarrassed about when we step back from the situation. Ashamed when we realise we have done something that hurt someone else through words or actions. Afraid of the consequences of what we have done.

Yet when someone does something to us we can’t find the space in our hearts to forgive. I know when I am angry with someone or disappointed with someone, my energy levels feel really low when I see that person. Or I get a surge of heat rush through my body. Or sometimes my heart races or I can’t breathe.

But when I take my time to think about the circumstances that caused the friction , I realise that it was not worth the amount of energy I am wasting trying to remain in an unforgiving state. So now what I find myself doing is sending myself love and light and also sending it to the other person or people. And immediately my mood lifts because my energy shifts from dark to light. A smile creeps on my face. And my whole soul feels joy.

And what I realise more than anything is that it is not natural for us to be in a state of conflict or vengeance or nonforgiveness. I know because of the way our body responds when we are in this state. Our natural state of being is love, peace and light. Forgiveness teaches us compassion and we learn compassion because we have all done something in our lives we are not proud of. And when we embrace this realisation, we can always find space in our hearts to forgive. Sometimes it may take a while but if we shift our brains into realising we are naturally compassionate beings, we will feel a lightness in our spirits.

So here’s to forgiveness today, cast aside ego and replace it with love and see just how much better you feel afterwards. As the Dalai Lama says, “Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.”

Moneyball - a surprising life lesson

I watched the movie Moneyball mostly because I am a Brad Pitt fan and because I was curious about the hype. I had resisted watching the movie because I thought it was about baseball and analytics - two things I have to admit don’t appeal to me so it was not at the top of my list.

Moneyball turned out to be a great reminder about life’s lessons. Contrary to popular belief Moneyball is not about baseball and more importantly it is not about analytics. It is a story about life. It is a story about faith. About cooperation. About leadership. Confidence building. Instinct. But most of all it is a story about learning from past mistakes, rebuilding and sharing the knowledge. Falling flat on our face and rising again – sometimes much later than we ever thought we would.

A term now imprinted on my brain was when Billy Beane, the manager of the Oakland A’s, said, “Adapt or Die”. This line I'm sure was meant to be dramatic in the movie but it is the classic way in which we as human beings survive or for that matter any species thrives - we have to adapt to our changing environment or we will die.

Billy Beane recognised that he was in a no win situation. All his best players were picked off by some of the wealthier top teams. He felt the only way he was going to be in the same position he was before was to go after similar players and pay the high costs he needed to get them.  However his management team decided he had to operate within the confines of the budget he had so there was no way he was going to be able to replace his lost players with players of their kind.

While on his quest to find a solution, with doors slamming in his face before he could complete a sentence, Beane came across a young graduate from Stanford University who had never worked before in his life. Yet he observed seasoned coaches turning to him when he was trying to pick up players. He wanted to know why. He approached the graduate to find out what he knew. The graduate showed him how he statistically traced players to show their worth. And how some of the passed over players were undervalued compared to the high flying players.

Beane was scouted out of high school because he appeared to be the complete package. He was drafted in the first round and paid a huge salary only to buckle under pressure and fall on his face. He walked away from baseball and became a scout himself. Until he landed the manager position at the Oakland A’s.

From his own failure, Beane knew a player had to believe he was successful in order to be successful. He recognised that being a player was either in someone or not.

Combining his experience with the proven track record of the analytics, he took baby steps to rebuild his team. He fired his top scout because the top scout did not believe in him anymore. He knew he had to trust his instincts. Beane recognised that he needed a team of players to cooperate with each other. He fired those who were not team players because he could not afford to have any negative energy pulling the team down or anyone distracting the team from keeping their eye on the prize. He also recognised he needed a player to take the mentoring role to help pull the young team together. Knowing that the person he chose had to be someone who had a vested interest in winning.

Once he put his proper strategy in place, the team started winning and the naysayers stopped talking. The excitement grew but Billy knew that it didn't matter how many games he won, if he didn't get to the playoffs the public would turn their backs on him because they were convinced it was Analytics that was driving the game and not baseball. And Billy did lose the last game and all the naysayers came back again saying baseball is not won by statistics it is won by good players and strategy.

Billy fell into somewhat of a slump after that because he did not see that sometimes we hit home runs and don't even realise we have because the prize at the end is not the one we were expecting. Winning sometimes doesn't mean collecting the big prize at the end. Sometimes it means effecting change. Bringing out the best in ourselves which in turn brings out the best in others.

Sometimes winning means just enjoying the show. Going with the flow. Doing what feels right for us because "it's always a lot to be something we are not."

Though Billy may not have won the championship as he so wanted what he did win was more important - faith in himself again and his value restored. He effected change by doing what he believed in.  And always that is more important.

Instead of thinking who we are, let's just be

Why do we do the things we do? What gets us out of bed every day? What motivates us to get dressed and walk out the door every single day?

Why is it that some people are very organised while others are not? Why are we here?

I am full of questions today. So full of wanting to understand the why? But what I realise is there is no simple answer to any of these questions because we are all different. All here for many different reasons. Consequently we all have different motivations for why we do what we do.

Each one of us is driven by our heart’s desires even if we don’t quite know what that means. We are constantly striving to be where we are meant to be. Never satisfied that we are already there. Never really embracing the moment even though we tell ourselves we are present moment dwellers. Yet our minds are constantly flicking forward trying to glimpse what is yet to come. Or flashing back trying to rewrite what was.

Always at the centre of our drive is our quest for success. We are always trying to do more because we think in the end we will become more successful. And the irony of success is that it comes in many different guises so much so that we don’t even see it when it is right in front of our faces. Or if we attain the success we dreamt about or beyond what we dreamt about, we find it is still not enough and we raise the bar once again – looking for more.

Why is that? Have you ever wondered why? It seems a lot of us are facing the sobering reality that we cannot be successful at everything we do. In order to be successful in one area, by default, we are neglecting something along the way.

So I’m starting to believe that success cannot be measured by what we have achieved from a material perspective, status or what we do. Success can only be measured by how well we feel we are living our own lives, our own dreams, our way and our way only. Success comes from accepting who we are, where we are, and being grateful for every bit of our journey -  good and bad, darkness and light. Because every experience forms a part of who we are – shaping us.

So let’s all hold this quote near to our hearts, “The only obstacles to realising the truth of who you are is thinking who you are.” In other words, instead of thinking, let’s just be.

Why I like early mornings

I love writing my blog first thing in the morning particularly when it is a work day because it helps to set my intention for the day. It sets me on a path of where I can best be for the day.

It’s quiet. The house is still. Everyone is fast asleep. And not even the day has woken yet. It’s dark outside and I always feel so snug and warm and somewhat like a little girl again – stealing time on my own. Where the only worries I have in the moment are my own. The only pressures I have are my own.

The lights are low, subdued even. Giving me the time and space to reflect on what it is that is swirling through my head. It’s amazing how when I get up in the morning there is a moment when I have absolute clarity about what I want to do with my life. A moment when I am truly in the moment because my brain has not had the opportunity to start filtering and altering my thoughts. A moment when I know I am my authentic self.

Soon that moment gives way to a bombardment of thoughts and it is those thoughts that I try to harness and write about. I treasure my quiet time in the morning, when I sit and contemplate which of those thoughts is going to form the basis of my blog. Then magically my fingers start moving across the keyboard as letters pour out of my fingers, forming words, joining together to form my innermost thoughts – surprising even me in the end when I read what I have written.

I always feel elated once I have finished writing and sometimes find it hard to move away from my keyboard, my alter ego. Because I feel as if I am stepping away from what brings me alive in the mornings. Some days I have to tear myself away kicking and screaming because I have hit my stride. Other days I can’t wait to get away from it because it is taking so much out of me. And what I find on those days is I am writing to please rather than writing what wants to be written.

I realise my writing is like living. Some days we are going to be on point with clarity and vision. Other days we are going to be bogged down thinking too much about the how rather than the doing.

Wow, so philosophical and that’s why I like early mornings because I feel like I can fly...like I can do anything I want. Like I am in control. And then I exhale because I realise I am in control.

The paradox of our existence

After writing my blog yesterday about the wisdom we can draw from nature, I watched a very interesting Tedx last night. It was a talk by Alain de Botton who stated that we are the first to be living in a world where we worship nothing but ourselves. He contends this is the reason why we are drawn to nature because we need to feel contact with something nonhuman.

We are the first as a whole who do not believe in worshipping anything outside ourselves. We are told we have the ability to change our lives that God is within. Many of us believe this but at the same time find the concept very difficult to hold onto particularly in times of darkness. I was fascinated by this statement because I often find myself being drawn to nature when I feel I have lost direction. When I question who I am and what I am doing.

I seek solace in the freedom of nature because it exists without anyone taking care of it. It flourishes without being pampered by anyone. It rebuilds after being destroyed by catastrophes, sometimes taking longer than others and sometimes in different ways than it was before. But it always comes back. And I feel such comfort in knowing there is something like nature that coexists with me in a world filled with tragedy, envy and destruction.

In a world where we are told everything is possible. Yet we are struggling to find the possibility that is supposed to be there for us but isn’t.  Alain stated there are more suicides than ever before because people take what happens to them personally.  We live in an age where it is easier to make a good living but harder to feel contentment and joy. And the reason is he says is because we are surrounded by snobs. People who are constantly assessing what we do and where we fit into the socioeconomic picture and whether we are worthy enough of their attention based on what we do.

He says that people falsely believe that people acquire material goods because they are greedy. When in fact people acquire material goods because they want rewards for what they do. They go out and buy designer items with the labels on them because they want to be rewarded for the effort they feel they have put into attaining their success. Which then leads to the envy monster. According to Alain the dominant emotion in our society is envy which ironically is driven by our desire to be equal. We can’t understand why one person has more than we have when we are all supposed to be able to achieve.

We are facing a paradox at the moment – questioning our existence and why we do what we do because we place far too much emphasis on not being ridiculed or judged by others. Rather than just living our lives the way we want to live.

We can't worry about what others may say or do

I have consciously decided that I am going to take my time, remain below the radar and not antagonise anything because there is so much chaos around me as it is. I am trying really hard to radiate the abundance, love and light I feel inside out to those who want to receive it. I am trying to not get involved in the mudslinging, name calling, and malicious gossip that have become the norm in our society. Where people feel the only way they can look good is to tear someone else down rather than sharing and building each other up. Trying to stay out of the negative energy that is being spread and be true to who I am. Not judging. Not accusing. Just being.

So why is it that people do things to test you even when you are trying to stay out of the fracas? Why? I wondered to myself. While contemplating these questions, I decided to sit outside in the sun. Facing it. Eyes closed. Breathing. Trying to understand the why. And something magical occurred.

I could see vividly the colour red even though my eyes were closed. And then I could feel the colour red flowing all through me. A power manifested in my being and I went deeper within. The red gave way to white and a calmness ran through me. Then the white gave way to a gold yellow colour and a feeling of reassurance ran through me. A warmth flowed through my being as I opened my eyes to the light. Amazed to see the colours were more subdued than they were before I closed my eyes but yet  so much more crisp, vivid.

I sat in silence inhaling the air. Savouring the moment. Just letting thoughts run through my mind as the sound of the wind whistled past my ears. And just like that, the answer came to me about the why. And it was and will continue to be, it is not for us to worry about other people because that is their story not ours. As long as we continue to operate from a place of abundance, love and light, their words can never hurt us. So we need not waste any energy on worrying about the why because it is their journey not ours.

I looked around at nature, at its cooperative way of being where each thing is reliant on the other to thrive and I thought how much better our world could be if we only took a look at our surroundings and acted accordingly – together not against each other.  Recognising we are all one, a part of the human family. If we hurt one, we hurt all. If we help one, we help all.

Grateful for following my instincts yesterday

This morning I knew why I needed that time yesterday to recharge because my son is ill. Whenever he gets a cold it turns into asthma like symptoms. So he was coughing all through the night and at 5 am this morning he was coughing so hard I went to him. He was short of breath. His whole body was shaking and he was fire hot. I gave him his Ventolin and then he settled back down. I sat with him looking at my soon to be man sleeping peacefully while his body shook. I stroked his face. Ran my hands over his hair trying to comfort him. Soothe him. Let him know I was there if he needed me. He must have read my mind because he opened his eyes looked into mine and said, “Thank you.”

I nearly cried. Even in his time of trouble he still found the strength to say thank you. Not thinking about himself but about me. Wanting me to know he appreciates me. Wanting me to know he knows.  I sat with him for a little longer watching him sleep. Watching his body slowly start to relax. Stroking his face. Thinking about how quickly time has gone by from those days when I used to have rush him to the hospital at all hours in the morning to be nebulized. Grateful those days seemed to be at an end. Worried that they could begin again because we have been more relaxed with his diet considering he hasn’t has one of these attacks for such a long time.

Feeling guilty for lapsing as a mother because I did not want to be s strict with him considering I am working again and not here all the time to monitor them. Angry for feeling guilty. Mixed emotions running through me. Remembering my son looking into my eyes and saying thanks. Letting go of all negative feelings. Just watching him sleep. Knowing I am doing the best I can. Quietly getting up from his bed only for my son to stir and look up to say, “Love you mommy.”

Turning to look at my son, his eyes closed already, slowly going back to sleep and I say, “Love you too.” No answer. He’s already asleep.  I walk slowly out of his room. Closing the door behind me. Listening for a moment outside his door to make sure his breathing is okay. I go back to bed. I look at the clock and it’s 5.45.

I wonder if I should I stay in bed or just get up. I decide to just relax in bed. And before I know it, it’s 6.45 and my son is coughing again. He gets up and goes to the family room. Quietly trying not to wake anyone up. But a mother never sleeps when her children are not well so I am awake as soon as he is. I let him think he has not disturbed me up so he won’t feel guilty.

The sun was bright. The wind was strong. The day had begun and I am grateful for seeing another day and for my son making it through a rough night. He’s still coughing but brighter and so am I. And so is the day. Grateful for following my instincts yesterday and just being so I would have the energy this morning and today to help my son through his illness and not feel tired. Lesson well learnt for me – I will endeavour to trust my instincts more because they always know. They always know.

Surrendering to me

I woke up this morning with thousands of thoughts about what I have to do bombarding my mind. So much so I froze. My head was hurting. My breath was coming in rasps. I felt like I was suffocating. I tried hard to go back to sleep. To treat myself to just being in bed. Trying to shut off the bombardment but my eyes would not close and my mind would not stop. So I got up.

I went into the bathroom, looking for inspiration - something to calm me down. Something to ground me. Nothing. I took a deep breath trying to be as quiet as a mouse so as not to wake my sleeping family. I focused on what I can do and what I am good at rather than what I can’t and what I’m not.

And then an answer I was seeking on a problem at work came to me as crystal clear as if it had been in me all the time. And then I knew it was inside me all the time. It was a huge victory for me because it removed a massive stumbling block that had been forming in my head – causing me to hide in the darkness believing I couldn’t when all the while I could but was projecting outside rather than focusing inside.

I then walked in the laundry room with full intentions of packing all the laundry away feeling like I had my second wind to do all that I needed to do. Walking back through the office with laundry basket in hand, I stopped. Put the basket down by my computer and starting searching for whatever it was that was drawing me. Following my instincts. Listening to it. Not worrying about the laundry.

I found it in the form of meditative music. I put my earphones on and indulged myself. Feeling not guilty. Not rushed. Casting aside the feelings of wanting or needing to feel busy in order to feel like I am worthy. Realising that sometimes the need to feel guilty is an excuse not to face whatever it is that is churning inside. Listening. Breathing. Realising. Feeling a joy so deep rise up within me that tears came to my eyes. Breathing gratitude for giving myself the gift of relaxation and writing.

Ready now to tackle my day regardless of what comes my way. Understanding and accepting, “Who looks outside dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.”Carl Jung

No matter what I have love

It's amazing how our perspective changes in a matter of minutes, days.

When I landed in London on Monday morning, I landed in the dark. It was foggy. Dreary. Overcast. Shadows coming off the trees. A darkness. Filling me with dread. Apprehension. Worry. As I went in to the unknown of meeting my colleagues,  the weather and surroundings matched my mood.

But on my way back home, London bid me goodbye with bright sunny blue skies. Not a cloud in the sky. It was a beautiful and uplifting day. My taxi driver and I had a great chat about life. When I got to the train station, the people were smiling and chatty. People I encountered on the Gatwick Express were more open and friendlier. As I sat on the train watching the scenery fly by, I was enthralled by the beauty of the English countryside.

Gone was the greyness. The dreariness. Replaced with the vivid green of the grass against the clear blue sky. Everything and everyone seemed to be more alive. Horses in the fields. People walking dogs. Or should I say dogs running through the expansive countryside. Excitement ran through me as I caught a glimpse of a fox stealing across the field. Sly. Sleek. Yet beautiful.

I inhaled and exhaled feeling gratitude flowing through me for seeing the dark and the light. For seeing that we create the environments we find ourselves in. For understanding the fog was with me upon my arrival because I was in a fog - nervous about what lay ahead of me. Questioning who I needed to be rather than focusing on who I am.

I got there and met my colleagues and stayed true to who I am. Learning, Listening. Being. Challenging. And I accepted them for who they are recognising in order for us to be a team we have to be able to be open with each other, understand each other, trust each other. We established a great start. Relief.

I left London with a ray of hope. Knowing I have a long and steep road ahead of me but feeling more comfortable with where I am right now. Accepting. Looking out the train window seeing the sun, the blue skies reminding me of home - calling me home.

I flew home with clear blue skies the whole way. A smooth plane ride. Excited to be coming home. There is nothing like seeing my little Island home coming into view from the distance as the blueness of the water changes. Ready to see my family. Wheels touched down. I expressed my gratitude to the Universe for arriving home safely.

And then the best gift was waiting for me when I walked through the customs doors. There waiting for me with eyes wide and absolute glee were my children and my husband. Welcoming me back from my first business trip.

I remember what this is all about. Experiences to help us grow. Experiences to pass on. Love and Acceptance. My heart swelled with pride as I embraced my family and we walked out of the airport on to the next part of this journey. Knowing no matter what I have love.

I know for sure I do not know it all

There is one thing I know for sure about life and it is that I do not know it all. I also know that I am not the only person in the world who does not know it all. I know these things because I am human and as such am imperfect and can not and will not know it all.
As a result of this epiphany I have learnt it is okay to ask for help. To admit when I don't know something. Raise my hand and ask rather than wasting time pretending I do. Chasing my tail and never really admitting when I am going wrong.
There are so many people who are so afraid to admit when they don't know something because they are afraid people will think less of them. Look down on them. Judge them. My answer to that is - let them. The wise person knows being clever is having the ability to ask the question than not. The compassionate person knows not to judge but to lift up.
Sharing information, knowledge with others is one of our greatest gifts we could ever give to each other. Yet some of us hold our cards close to our chest. Afraid to share because we think we will put ourselves at an unfair disadvantage by giving away our knowledge. When in fact the exact opposite is true.
 When we share, we open our hearts. When we open our hearts, we open our souls.  When we open our souls, we spread love. When we spread love, we spread peace. And when we spread peace, we grow as a people because we move up in the world. Making room for the next person behind us. And so on.
So instead of remaining in the dark, pretending we can see the light when we can't, let's move out of the dark by admitting we don't know it all. And admit we need a little help sometimes. Remembering. There is always something new to learn when we are willing to admit it. Admitting. Asking. Sharing. Equals Growth.
May we all learn to be wise, compassionate and giving. Lifting each other up out of the darkness. Giving each other light. By sharing.