I have debated about whether to write this blog. Debated about whether I wanted to weigh in on the whole Rice domestic violence situation. Debated about whether I wanted to open that Pandora's Box again in my own life. But because I am meant to share my feelings based on a time in my life when I was involved in an abusive relationship, I had to pursue the first sentence that came to my head this morning. The first sentence I wrote to this blog. I tried shifting my mind elsewhere. Tried finding something else to write about but nothing else came so I am following my ritual and going where my mind wants me to go.
I have read with interest the comments that have come out about the whole Rice/ NFL situation despite trying not to. Despite trying to stay away but when the story is repeated over and over again and the photos keep catching my eye, I know their story is my story. The story I had the advantage of being able to work through in private rather than having to face the public scrutiny of the world. I am writing more so because I saw the fear in the eyes of Mrs. Rice and the fear in the eyes of her abuser, Mr. Rice - as they faced the world about a private and shameful part of their lives. A fear I knew all too well when I was involved in an abusive relationship. A fear that can be very dangerous if not dealt with in a compassionate manner.
The one thing I really worry about now that their dirty little secret has been aired for the whole world to see is what happens next? I worry about the daughter they have who may not understand it now but will when she is older. When she potentially will be bullied or will bully because people will probably tease her about her abusive father. About her fallen father. Her disgraced father all because everyone else condemned and judged a relationship that is really none of our business. None of anyone's business but the Rice couple themselves.
I am surprised by the venom coming from people. The judgement against him. The judgement against her. Having been in an abusive relationship myself, what I know for sure is there are two people who cause the abuse to happen and two people who allow it to continue to happen. And the two people are exclusively the people involved in the relationship. I also know the only way the abuse will stop is when the two people in the relationship want it to stop. No amount of outside intervention, pressure or judgement will stop the behaviour that is occurring in an abusive relationship. All that outside intervention will do is cause the abuse to continue and in some cases escalate because what people who have never been in an abusive relationship fail to know is that both people in the relationship are broken. Both are fragile. Both are insecure.
The abuser uses his power in ways that are not good. He or she wields such control and power over the abusee that the abusee begins to cower even more and comes to expect to be abused. And in a perverse way, the abusee does things unknowingly and unwittingly to provoke being abused because that is the only way she knows she is loved and needed. Domestic violence - abusive relationships develop between two very insecure people who are trying their hardest to be tough to the outside world. Trying to portray an image that is not them. Trying so hard to be what everyone else wants them to be that once they get behind closed doors, the pressure becomes too much for them to bear that they lash out at each other until the anger is so great that the only way they know how to diffuse it is to abuse. To control each other. Both feeling like they are the victims in the exchange.
The abuser feeling like he is not heard so he lashes out to gain his power back. The abusee feeling like she is not heard and keeps screaming or provoking until the abuser stops her from attacking by attacking. Both attacking each other in ways no one outside of an abusive relationship could ever understand.
The abusee after the incident carries the physical scars on her face and/or body, shame in his heart, despair in her soul for the broken life he leads. While the abuser carries the mental scars of what he or she has done. And the cycle repeats itself over and over again until one gets out. Until one realises there is more to life than being tormented. But even when the one gets out, unless she works on herself to discover what it is he is running from, she will seek out another abuser. Another controller and find himself right back in the same situation . Only this time with a different face.
So when I see the pain on the faces of the Rice couple, I know their journey is nowhere done. I know they are still fragile. And what makes it worse for their healing, their growth is that the whole world got to see them at their weakest point. I know some of you will argue that he is a monster and she a victim and that he deserves to lose his job. But having been in an abusive relationship, what I fear is what will happen to them both now? Two people who have been exposed to the world for their insecurities who have not been able to face them in private. Will they combust? Will they turn on each other even more? Could they be driven to a murder suicide situation?
I worry about the lack of compassion being shown to this couple - young couple - who suddenly find themselves thrust into the spotlight for a situation that was a private moment but because nothing is private anymore, all of us got to see. Believe me, I am not condoning what was done but I do believe all we saw was a small bit of what has been happening in their lives. I just hope they both get the help they need to grow, to understand why they were attracted to each other and stayed with each other knowing what they were capable of doing to each other.
I just hope these young people's lives have not been destroyed because we, as the public, were so hungry to judge them, to cast them out so much so that we became the abusers as well. Only getting satisfaction when the man who we call the abuser was fired from his job. Leaving him in a place where he may never be able to support his family again. Leaving him exposed to the whole world with a wife and a child. Escalating his insecurities even more. All I hope is they get the help they need.
Domestic violence is prevalent - more so than we will ever know- and the reason it is, is because two broken people are attracted to each other and the only way they know how to resolve their brokenness is to break each other physically and mentally. To bring each other down to the place they understand. And there is no amount of outside intervention that can help unless one or both people in the abusive relationship are ready to face their demons. I know because that was the only way I got out. The only way I was able to end the cycle was to work on me and to continue to work on me until I felt worthy enough to be in a relationship that I did not need to be abused in order to feel loved.
I just hope and pray the Rices are able to do the same. I am sharing my story and feelings about being involved in an abusive relationship because I hope in doing so, I can help someone involved in one in private to know she is not alone. That he is not a bad person; just a broken person who needs help. Because as this wonderful African proverb says, "When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you."
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