When I dare

How is it that when I was a young girl
I used to look across the ocean
And know the world out there
The world I had not seen
Was mine
How did I beleive
I could be anything I wanted to be
When did it happen
How did it happen
That time and people jaded me
Did it begin when death crept in
Banged down my door
And gripped me in its hands
Taking my breath away
Stealing my dreams
When it took the woman
The woman that made me believe
That had me see
That I could be anything
Anything I wanted to be
Not by her intentional exmaple
But by her tortured example
I saw her not do
Not change
Not grow
I saw the fear that often clouded her eyes
That kept her imprisoned where she was
Because she thought there was no other way
Believed there was no other way
She gave me the drive
The drive to be much more than she was
Because she loved me
Loved me unconditionally
And let me be who I was
But then when she left
When death claimed her
Before I was ready
Something died inside of me
And the ocean became too vast
Too scary
Because there was no one cheering me on
No one in my corner anymore
Telling me I coud be whomenever I wanted to be
The world grew much larger
The trials much greater
The dreams no longer pleasurable
The road more beaten up
Until the day I realised
She was not gone
She is still here with me
She is the ocean
She is the beaten up road
She is the path
She is me as I am her
And then the distance and ferocity of the ocean
Paled into insignificance
And I realised I am still the girl
The girl that stood at the shore of the ocean
And looked across it vast expanse
At its seemingly endless horizon
And knew there was a world
A world out there
A world I had never seen
A world waiting for me
To cross that ocean
And be who I was sent here to be
I have crossed that ocean many times now
And seen the world I had never seen
And now know
I am just like the people
I see and have never seen
Because we are all one
Spun from the same cloth
And the ones who make it in life
Are the ones who cross the ocean
The ocean that frightens them
To experience the world on the other side
Letting them know
Letting us know
There is nothing to fear
Nothing at all
Except fear itself
Because we are all capable
All capable
Of crossing the ocean
When we drop the barriers
The barriers we place on ourselves
When we allow ourselves to embrace
To embrace the child
Who remains inside
The child who dreamed and still dreams
That he is capable of being
Whomever she wants to be
Because there is nothing stopping us
From reuniting with the child
The child that believes in miracle
Because he knows without question
That she is the miracle
How wonderful and liberating is it
To know
The only ocean that seperates us
One from the other
Is the ocean we allow to keep us
From what is rightfully ours
Now I understand why I am an Island Girl
Why I grew up on an Island
An Island all on its own
In the middle of the North Atlantic
That's why I was given
A mother who died
Who slipped away into the ocean
Into the beaten up road
Into the path
To allow me to know
To get to the other side
Of pain
Of the ocean
I have to work and not just dream
I have to do and not just hope
In order to meet the world
The world waiting on the other side
The people wating on the other side
The life waiting on the other side
For me to cross over
To be all I am
Who I always have been
And always will be
To know
There is no amount of pain
No amount of disappointment
That can keep me from being who I am
Unless I allow them to stop me
Imprison me
Unless I forget
Inspite of it all
I have crossed the ocean
Many times before
And will many times more
Because there is nothing that seperates us
From our dreams
Except us
Us alone
Because I am still that little girl
Standing at the edge of the ocean
This time knowing
What I have to do
To get to the other side
Is to embrace confidence
And work through fear
And believe
Just believe
I can
When I dare

Learning to confront the duality that resides within us all

Sometimes we are put in positions that we least expect when we least expect them. And when we are, it is up to us to show up as our authentic selves even when those around us are trying to provoke or invoke the dark side that we all carry.
Sometimes we are placed in positions where we have to confront the dark, the duality that resides within us all. Not to be incited to hate. But to be sympathetic and compassionate as well as accept the situation for what it is. To know that we can't always hide from what we don't like. To know that what we don't like is actually asking us to dig deep within ourselves to find why we don't like it. To find why it creates an emotional response to it, honour that response and then let it go.
Sometimes we are placed in positions we thought we had overcome. Only to find the situation will not leave us. It keeps coming back over and over again. To try us. To test us. And in some cases, to jeer us it seems. And when we find ourselves in these situations, it is usually because we are lending too much energy to the situation. Giving too much of ourselves to something that does not deserve the energy it takes.
As time goes on and we mature through forgiveness, we realise those situations thrive on drama rather than on love. So it is up to us to meet those situations with love and compassion and acceptance. To know and see the duality that exists within us all. Such that when we find ourselves in these situations, we must approach them from a place of love and compassion. A place that does not allow us to take on the drama of the aggressor, the attacker or the one who wants to win. Because we recognise in every situation each one of us loses a little something in order to gain. And as such there really are no outright winners or losers in anything particularly if we are trying to grow ourselves and become more compassionate and accepting people.
Sometimes when we are confronted by that which we dread, I believe it is the Universe telling us unless we let it go, unless we accept the situation for what it is, we will continue to attract it into our lives. Into our minds. Into our heads. Whereas if we are truly ready to let the situation go, surrender it back to where it came from and accept that some situations are not meant to be understood totally but are sent to help us to learn more about what we can and cannot tolerate, even when there is pain, we will find healing. And we will remain our authentic selves even when others are trying to bring us down. Even when they are fighting with us because we realise it is not us they are fighting. They are fighting themselves.
What I am learning is until each one of us is in touch with our true selves, we can never know peace contentment or joy. There will always be situations that test us and try to bring out our dark sides but when we are true to who we are, those situations will not hurt us. They most definitely will test us to see where we are in our journey. But if we show up as we truly are, as our authentic selves, we will see the trying situations as the lessons they really are and grow from them. Rather than shrink from them. Or worse, becoming them.
What I am also learning is at the end of the day love conquers all. In order to be able to give love, we have to start with loving ourselves. And the only way that can happen is for us to be authentically who we are and live from that place even when situations show up to taunt us. Only then are we opening ourselves to learn to confront the duality that resides within us all from a place of love, compassion and understanding.

Don't wait until you feel confident

I came across this fabulous quote from #Working Women and it said, "Don't wait until you feel confident enough before you act or you might wait forever. Confidence is the gift you receive after you have done the scary thing."
Boy do I wish someone would have told me this a long time ago. Maybe then I would not have missed out on some of the opportunities that have come and gone. Opportunities I watched slip through my fingers because I was too afraid I would fail. Too afraid I was not ready. Ashamed that I lacked the confidence to be who I was. To challenge myself to be more.
Had someone explained to me the only way I can grow myself is to just do it regardless of the outcome then maybe my life would have been a little more colorful than it is right now. But I sure am glad to have found this quote because it is challenging me to challenge myself.
The challenge to do what frightens me so that I can gain confidence and not wait for confidence to come while everyone else around me is moving on. Sometimes we are fed the line that only with experience can we get ahead. But I now know this is far from the truth. If we stand still where we have mastered whatever it is we are doing,  we can never gain experience and therefore never gain the confidence to be more. to experience more because the only way we can achieve either is to keep going. To keep colouring outside the lines. To move beyond the confinement of our minds. to move beyond our comfort zones even in the face of adversity.
Keep going even on those days when it feels like nothing is going our way and we are so afraid that we want to hide. Those are the days when we are being asked to go. To move forward. To not wait to feel confident enough because we are never confident enough until we try. Until we take the first step.
And now that I am a mother, I try to encourage my children to go for it by offering them the opportunity to try whatever it is they are interested in to see if they are capable of receiving the gift of confidence when they have been scared but kept going. When they walk into new situations where they know no one, where they have never been before and end up paving their own way without anyone holding their hand. Without anyone telling them what to do and how to do it. That way they are prepared for life's mishaps and missteps. That way they will know there is a big wide world out there and the only way they will know they can is if they try.
I think back to the day I met a man, a crotchety old man who I interviewed with while I worked for a man who did not believe in promoting women and this old man told me that one day I could be running the operation if I came to work for his company. My answer at that time because I had been beaten down so much was I did not have the experience. To which he responded, "Young lady, no one is experienced until they have done the job. Don't ever tell anyone you lack experience because no one is experienced really." This wonderful quote from Working Women could not have come at a better time because it is a reminder to me to not let the naysayers get in my head. To not let them make me believe that I am not good enough. Because I now understand that being good enough equates to confidence in self to do what scares me.
Here's to doing what scares me in order to receive the gift of confidence. After all I have watched my son and daughter this summer push themselves in new places with new people and come out the other side full of confidence and triumph. A lesson I gave to them and they gave back to me. What could be more wonderful than that. Giving and receiving at the same time. Parent and child at the same time. Each of us growing the other when we realise confidence only comes from trying and learning. Not from waiting. Not from standing still and hoping. It comes from doing that which scares us.

It was three years ago that I gave birth to my voice

Today is a very special day for me. A day of pride and grace. A day of gratitude and love.  For it is on this day 3 years ago that I began writing this blog. My blog journalling my journey of love and light through this rich tapestry in the name of my life. It is this blog that gets me up in the morning now. That sets my tone for the day. My intention for the day.
When I first began writing my blog, I was terrified to associate myself with it because I was so worried about what people would think about what I write. So afraid to merge my personal life with my business life. So afraid to allow the writer woman within me and the business woman on the outside of me to be revealed as one in the same because I believed the two should remain separate in order for my writing to be authentic. Only to realise as I have grown with my blog, without bringing all of me in to my writing and being afraid to see where it goes, my writing can not be authentic.
So as time has gone by, I have slowly but surely grown more confident in my writing. More confident in what I have to say. More confident in using my life experiences as muses for my writing and in doing so I have grown. My writing has grown. And I am learning with each blog that I write that in order for my writing to flow I have to let go. I have to write what comes to me from that well of abundance that gives me the voice that I need when I sit down to write.
That by allowing my voice to flow unfiltered, I write something that is so beautiful and so natural that I surprise myself when I step away from it and reread it later. I am sometimes surprised that the words came from me. But the more I write, the more I realise, it is not just me writing, it is all of us writing. Because I am writing from that Universal place that we all share. That divine place we all come from. Each one of us has a story to tell. A life to live. A journey we are embarking on. And when we are truthful, honest, nonjudgmental and vulnerable, we realise that each of us is more similar than we are different at our core. Our choices and the way we choose to leave may be very different but at the core we all want the same thing, to  love and to be loved.
With each blog I write I realise more and more that life becomes much richer when I share my divine blessings. Because when I share them in the words of Oprah and Deepak Chopra, I open myself to Grace. And by opening myself to Grace, I allow a new reality to enter my very being. Because it is grace that allows me to rise even through my darkest days. It is Grace that holds my hand and my heart and allows the words to flow from that place of vulnerability and love deep deep down in my soul.
As I look outside on this special day for me, this day of celebration for me, the sun is bursting through in the East for the first time this week. Lighting up the morning with its radiant yellow light as if it is affirming my special day. Affirming me. Filling me with light and love because I have known and know Grace. Because I have allowed Grace to fill me so much that I want to share it with anyone who wishes to journey with me and grow with me each day as I write.
I can't believe three years have gone by since I sat down to write this blog. This blog that allowed me to tap into my Grace because it emerged during a time when I felt I had no voice. When I had been cast out into the world quite unexpectedly by a job that no longer wanted me. And it was sitting and writing this blog that allowed me to find my voice. To honour my vulnerability and not see it as an adversary but rather to see it as a necessary companion to allow me to see the good in all things and people. To celebrate the blessings that I have in my life even when I feel I don't. I am learning that blessings are always there. Always waiting for me when I recognise every breath I take comes from a state of Grace.
I am grateful to everyone who follows my blog, has followed my blog and will follow it to come because you have helped and continue to help to grow me as well. The comments that you make lift me sometimes more than you will ever know. And even when there are no comments, I know you are there with me in silence. Thank you everyone for journeying with me as I navigate through the light and dark, the good and the bad, the happy and the sad times because you are helping me as much as I am helping me and you "to learn from yesterday, live for today and to hope for tomorrow" as so wisely said by Albert Einstein.
Happy 3rd anniversary to my baby, my blog. No longer hiding behind an image, I now have a face to it - my face as I have embodied my whole being to write as authentically as I can. It was three years ago that I gave birth to my voice and I have watched it grow with amazement and abundance. And what I know for sure is there is no limit to where it can go unless I limit it myself.
Here's to wherever my blog is leading me with gratitude and grace, love and light....Namaste.

It's none of my business what you think of me

As many of those who are close to me and even those not so close to me know by now, I am a huge fan of Kerry Washington so I watch everything about her. And last night I watched her interview at the #BlogHer '14 convention and realized even more just how phenomenal this woman is. Not because she is perfect but because she is so authentic and so true to who she is that she radiates truth and light. Some of what she said in this interview - the link below so you can watch this amazing woman - caused me to write this ode.

"It's none of my business what you think of me"
No truer words could be spoken from the mouth of Kerry Washington.
What follows is in my words inspired by the wisdom of Kerry Washington

It's none of my business
What you think of me
I am here to be
Who I came here to be
Not who you want me to be
When you cast stones at me
You are casting stones at yourself
Not at me
Your comments used to stick
Your barbs used to get under my skin
But now I know if you're throwing stones at me
It's because you wish you were me
I don't need you to confirm or affirm my work
To affirm or confirm me
That confirmation
That affirmation
Can only come from me
Deep deep down within me
Only from me
When I am unashamed to acknowledge
I am Woman
With a capital W
A Phenomenal woman
In the words spoken by the late great Dr. Maya Angelou
I am a woman who has been through so much
Endured so so much
And still I have come out
With my back erect
My spine strong
My head high
My posture tall
My spirit unbroken
Many a dark day has come my way
And sometimes I have felt and will feel lost
But what I know for sure
As a woman over 50 is
I have no one to prove anything to
Nothing to do to prove who I am
No one can make me feel whole
Except me
And only me
When you shun me
Or try to belittle me
Or talk about me behind my back
I know more than ever
It is because you love something about me
That makes you hate yourself
Not me
Your hate has nothing to do with me
Your rejection has nothing to do with me
But everything to do with yourself
Neither of us is perfect
If we were
We would not be here
We would be in the holy land
The sacred land
Where only perfection  resides
Thank you Kerry Washington for all you do
For showing me
By being you
That we are all complicated
As women
As people for that matter
None of us has the right to judge or condemn another
Because each one of us has done something
Or will do something
That we are not proud of
We are all doing the best we can
From our own level of awareness
Just because your awareness level may be different from mine
And mine from yours
When we remember it is our differences
That make us unique
Shapes who we are
Then we all understand
What you say about me
Has nothing to do with me
It is a reflection of who you are
And what you stand for
Because as I said before
And I will say again
It's none of my business
What you think of me
I am here to be the woman
I asked to come here to be
Not who you want me to be
Never who you want me to be
Because
I am uniquely me
As you are uniquely you
Namaste

Link to the Interview with Kerry Washington:

http://youtu.be/Kvo1pkGtP9k

Rainy Monday morning

Rainy Monday morning
Wet outside
Grey outside
Tears of the Earth wetting us
Giving us the water we need
To sustain us
Nourish us
Letting me know it is time
Time to go back to reality
Vacation over
Fantasy world done
Reality back for me now
Thrusting me back out there
Out there in the work world
Away from the cocoon of my family
Away from the protection
The love
The joy
Back to the grind
The hustle and bustle
On this rainy Monday morning
Reflecting my tears
To leave behind my family
To go back out there
To the day today
Should I be sad
Of course I am
What human isn't
What mother isn't
What father isn't
What child isn't
Sad to leave behind - family
To go out there
Back out there
After being together
Intimately together
As a cocoon
To face the hustle and bustle
The people who sometimes love us
And other times hate us
To be pitted against each other sometimes
To climb the corporate ladder
To be the best we can
When we feel the worse we ever have
On those occasions we fight
We scratch
We climb
Sometimes leaving ourselves behind
Rainy Monday morning
Grey Monday morning
Wet Monday morning
What a morning to have to leave
My family behind
What a morning for us
To all go our separate ways
Son doing one thing
Daughter another
Husband already out the door
Our separation already started
For us to fulfill the roles we chose
To make our family what it is
To allow us to do the things we do
To give ourselves to the world
The world out there
And to each other more importunately
The world inside here
Grateful though sad
For the roles we have chosen
That sometimes take us far apart
For us to be reunited
Rainy Monday morning
First day back at work
After ten whole blissful days together
Together with my family
Just us
In our cocoon
Our cocoon of love
A memory that will sustains me
Hold me over
Until our reunion
This rainy Monday morning
Wet Monday morning
Grey Monday morning
Reminding me of the sadness I carry
Of our blissful time done
But at the same time
Letting me know that
Grey is necessary
Just like the sun
Because without the grey and the rain
We would not appreciate the sun
We would not drink
We would not eat
We would not be able to sustain ourselves
The rainy grey days
Wet the ground
Then move along
Making way for
For the sun to shine
For life to carry on
Some days will be grey and wet
Others sunny and dry
Each day necessary
Each day made for us
Grateful to know
For every ending
There is a beginning
For every beginning
There is an ending
Rainy wet Monday morning
Ushering me back outside
In its greyness
To start a new work week
Grateful that I have what I have
Right here right now
Grateful for my time with my family
For the memories I shall forevermore cherish
And keep in the recesses of my brain
Treasures to sustain me
On this grey misty Monday morning
Here I come grey misty rainy Monday morning
Here I come
With a twinge of sadness of the ending
And gratitude for the new beginning coming
Rainy wet misty Monday morning
Here I come
Namaste

The gift of youth

Yesterday we spent the day in Burlington, Vt. The big city compared to where we had been. A gentle introduction back to the hustle and bustle of life. I love the feel of Burlington. It is essentially a university town with The University of vermont being its major focus. Its major energy source. The pulse of the city.
And because it is a university town, it has a feeling of youth and expectation. A feeling of hope and prosperity about it because so many of the faces you see are those who are striving to make something of themselves. Living with hope and belief in tomorrow. Believing they will and can change the world. Idealists unjaded and unfazed by the cynicism that often comes with age.
So as a result I felt filled with hope. Yet at the same time, filled with nostalgia about the youth I have left behind. The youth that still lingers within me. In that space that never ages. The space that appreciates that within us all resides the child we were born to be. The child that keeps the laughter and joy in our lives.
As I watched the students returning to University dragging their large bags behind them, I thought back to my university days and got such a shock to realise that was me more than thirty years ago. How could that be I thought? Not thirty years. More than thirty years ago. Thirty years ago I had already graduated from University. Flooring me at first and making me feel very old.
How could so many years have gone by without me realising it?  Forcing me to think about whether I have become the person I dreamed I would be when I entered the gates of my University. Had I fulfilled the dreams of the young lady I was when I started university with stars in my eyes and sometimes dreams of grandeur of what my future would bring? Am I the woman I believed I would be? And you know what I am more than I thought I would be as I never really thought I would finish University. I never really thought about what tomorrow would bring as each day I wondered if I would have the finances to get through school. If I would be able to return.
But now as I look back as a woman in her fifties, a mother of two beautiful children, a wife of a man I never dreamed would be in my life, a business woman and a writer, in some ways I wish I would have listened to my heart more. Listened to that little voice inside me that told me to go that way instead of this way. But what I realise is all those detours and turns, all those mishaps and "mistakes" were and are actually helping me to live the rich tapestry that is life. Helping me to learn more lessons than I imagined would come my way when I was the young woman trying to find her way.
As I sat with my family in my favourite restaurant in Burlington, "Stone Soup", eating farm fresh, live foods and listening to the hopes and dreams of the young people sitting next to us, I realised something so profound. We are always young when we remain young at heart. When we do not lose hope. When we believe in ourselves and understand it is never too late to change the direction of our lives. When we don't take ourselves too seriously and can laugh at ourselves, we tap into the eternal fountain of youth. For it is this fountain that keeps us going. That sustains us. Fulfills us.
And the youth I am talking about is not the physical youth that so many people try to maintain with face lifts, botox and whatever else they try to do to keep their physical bodies young. No, it is the spiritual and soulful youth that comes from deep down inside that keeps us feeling purposeful and fulfilled. It is the light that gives us life - the promise of all that is, was and ever will be - the promise of us. No amount of physical enhancement can fuel us if we don't tap into the youth, the child that always remains with us. The child that still dreams. The child that still believes. The child that laughs at her mistakes. At his falls. At herself, himself.
I am grateful for seeing myself again through the eyes of the expectant and young people making their way back to university life yesterday in the vibrant town of Burlington, Vt against the picturesque backdrop of Lake Champlain on one side and the mountains on the other. With the hanging baskets full of colourful flowers. With the perfectly manicured lawns. All framing the beauty that is the youth that never leaves.
So grateful for being reminded that youth is not fleeting. Time goes by quickly - yes it does. Particularly when I am reminded of time as I looked at my 15 year old son who will soon be a university student; but youth always remains. When I remember as long as I love, live and laugh, I will always be young at heart. Always know tomorrow is promised to no one so it is up to me to live the life I want regardless of what others may think or believe.
Here's to eternal youth - the youth that allows me to take chances, to stumble and fall and still get back up again, dust myself off and start all over again. And each time I do with the wisdom of age because time has taught me that each chance is a lesson whether the chance works the way I thought it would or not. What a gift is the gift of youth, the youth that is freely available to us all because it resides within us always. Waiting for us to be willing to be vulnerable and tap into its eternal well.
With gratitude to the gift of youth - the gift that keeps on giving when we stop searching for life and just start living life.... Namaste

Feeling nostalgic this morning

It is our last morning on the mountains at Smugglers' Notch. Our last morning for me to look out of our enclosed patio and appreciate the mountains, the trees, the tranquility, the peace, the cloud formations from this vantage point. And I am filled with both sadness and joy. Sadness because it is the last time for a while I will enjoy this view. Joy because I have had the opportunity to have this time in the mountains. Showing me the dichotomy of life. Even in joy, there is sadness. Even in sadness,  there is joy. And where we dwell is up to us. Sadness or joy. Joy or sadness.
Teaching me also just like the heavy clouds that are blowing across the mountains on one side giving the illusion that the trees under them are black and ominous, while; on the other side, the clouds are slightly higher allowing some light on that side showing the trees for what they are green and beautiful, life is exactly the same. Depending on our vantage point, we will see life according to where we are. Imagine if when we arrived here for the first time, the heavy clouds and dark trees were all we saw, I would never know the height of the mountains. I would probably believe Smugglers' Notch is a cold, dark and windy place. I would not know the true beauty and majesty of this place because I had only seen it from its dark side.
But this morning on our day of parting, nature is choosing to show me side by side, its beauty and beast at the same time. Its light and dark. To teach me in every instance there are two sides to every situation. Two sides to everything. Nothing is wrong or right. No one is wrong or right. Everything is as it is meant to be and is viewed according to our vantage point in life. According to where we are in life. According to where we are standing.
This morning even the wind is letting me know of its presence. Howling at me to show me it exists. All week long it has been silent but when I think back, it has been building gradually. The trees are bending and flexing as the wind batters them. Rustling their leaves giving off that haunting yet lilting sound only the wind can make. Changing the whole scenery from the scene we had seen over the past few days. Ushering in the fall. Letting us know summer is coming to an end soon. Showing us what is to come.
I look out the window at the heavy clouds obscuring part of the mountain, at the trees bending in the breeze and I feel both an ending and a beginning welling in me as my vacation is coming to an end and my day to day life is coming back to me. And I savour this moment. This moment of silence.This moment of endings and beginnings meeting in the middle and I am so grateful. Grateful for sitting here and appreciating all the lessons nature has to bring. All the lessons life has to bring when we are still enough and grateful.
I am filled with gratitude for my family spending these past few days together. Really together. Hearing each other without intrusions from the outside world. Exploring together. Being together. Remembering my husband telling us as we sat at dinner last night laughing and talking how much he really loves his family. Even at this moment, still feeling the sincerity of his words permeate my body and the body of my children. Bonding us all together in ways indescribable.
And though this day is grey and full of heavy clouds and wind, it is a day still full of possibility and love. Full of abundance. It is a day that lets me know we don't have to wait for the perfect moment to do anything because every moment is perfect for us. Every moment is waiting for us to appreciate its gift of time. Its gift of breath. Its gift of life.
This morning is our last morning in the mountains of Smugglers' Notch before we make our way back to the hustle and bustle of real life and I am filled with both sadness and joy. Sadness that our time is coming to an end and joy for having experienced this time. Telling me this is joy in every situation as there is sadness - the duality of life. The duality of our existence. Life is all about how we view it and how much we love, give and share. It is about beginnings and endings. Endings and beginnings. But always it is about gratitude. Gratitude for every person, place,situation and thing that comes and goes in our lives because each one of them,whether good or bad, is making us the person we are today.
With gratitude and grace for appreciating this wonderful and relaxing time in Vermont. And though it may be physically coming to an end, it will always remain in my heart and soul with love. Namaste.

We are never lost

On those days when we are lost or feeling lost and do not know our way, if we let go and trust, we always end up where we are meant to be. Because what I am learning is we are always where we are meant to be. Always. Even when we end up on paths we did not intend. Encounter roadblocks that we did not anticipate or find that we have been detoured another way. As long as we are moving with good intention, we will find our way. And if we are totally lost and turned upside down, then it is the Universe telling us we need to ask for help. And that help will guide us home.
These thought were illustrated for me yesterday when my family drove through Smugglers' Notch, beautiful, enchanting and picturesque Smugglers' Notch to get to Stowe. The Notch is only open during non-snow seasons because it is quite a steep and windy short cut through the mountains to Stowe. Large boulders jut out into the road so cars have to drive slowly and cautiously so that we don't meet another car head on. The road is also narrow so it would be virtually impossible to get through without a major accident when there is ice which is why the Notch is closed during the winter months.
It is one of our must routes to take when we come to Smugglers because I always feel like I am being pulled into an Enchanted land when we drive through it. It is, in my opinion, one of the most spectacular places on Earth. I always feel as if I am being transported to a different place and time when we drive through the Notch. I always look out for the fairies, leprechauns and other enchanted people and have not given up hope that they do exist. Even though I have not seen them yet, I do feel the presence of magic in that sacred space.
After spending a lovely afternoon in the idyllic village of Stowe, we drove back to the Notch to make our way back to our home away from home. My husband thought he had seen a sign that said the Notch was closed due to a stuck truck. But none of us saw it so we kept driving. Looking for other signs. To find none so we thought he was wrong. But he was not because when we got to the base of the Notch, a large truck and barriers were blocking the way. Cars were making U-turns. The Notch had, in fact, been closed because of a stuck truck.
Leaving us stranded at the base and at first we panicked because we did not know the way to get back to Smugglers' without going through the Notch. My husband got out of the car and asked one of the men standing on the side for directions. The man gave us some rather complicated directions and told us it would take us about half hour to get back to Smuggs. We thanked him and he hopped in his truck and drove away. We made the necessary U-turn and headed back to Stowe. Headed backwards in order to go forward.
Kicking ourselves for not following my husband's warning. My husband kicking himself for not trusting his instincts. Now we understood why the traffic had been so heavy coming into Stowe because that was the only way to get to Smuggs. After sitting in the line of traffic, we made the right turn onto Rte 108 thinking we were well on our way. Only to drive for what seemed like miles. I remembered the man saying we needed to head to Waterbury. And for some reason I remembered that was where the Ben & Jerry's Ice cream factory is - the original place where they were formed. But still it felt like we had been driving for too long. The only saving grace was that it was a beautiful route with rolling hills, open spaces and lots of interesting shops and homes. Topography to die for on either side of us and ahead of us.
After driving for about 25 minute we finally passed the Ben & Jerry's factory. We pulled into the gas station immediately following it to ask for directions. I had wanted to stop at Ben & Jerry's but my husband was adamant we needed to go to the gas station. As he rolled down the window to ask a man who was getting gas for directions, the man started to smile like he was familiar to us.
As my husband was about to ask directions, the man said, "Yeah I know, I was the guy who gave you the directions in the first place."
To which we all laughed. What were the chances that we would meet the same man who told us where to go at a random gas stations some 30 miles later? Out of all the people why had we met him again?
"I am heading toward Cambridge so you can just follow me. Once you get to Cambridge you will be able to find your way from there," he volunteered.
Instantly we were struck by the synchronicity of the moment, the kindness of the man and the fact that we were in the right place at the right time after bad timing that took us to the Notch. I knew why we drove all the way to the base of the Notch only to have to backtrack because we were meant to meet this man. This man who was going to lead us home. As we followed the man along the highway and through the meandering roads to Cambridge, we were grateful we had encountered him because we realized, it would have taken us a much longer time to find our way back. Without him, we would have stopped and started over and over again because the half hour drive he told us it would take, ended up taking over an hour. The one exit on the highway he told us we would need to take was the longest stretch between exits we had seen.
When we reached Cambridge and the man indicated he had to stop, we knew exactly where we were and were eternally grateful to the man for being so kind, for leading us where we needed to go. After our adventure yesterday what I realized was even when we are lost, even when we think we have lost our way, there is always a way home when we have faith and trust. When we are willing to admit we are lost and ask for help. When we are kind, kindness comes back to us in turn.
And most of all there are no coincidences in life. That man came to us for a reason and returned to us because our paths were meant to cross and recross in order for us to find our way home. As we discussed our plight last night, I said to my husband getting lost made me think we should have had GPS installed in the car. My husband had refused to have it installed when we rented the car because he said we know this area of Vermont so well but yesterday when we were lost I wished we had it. To which my husband responded, "If we would have had GPS, we would never have had the adventure we did. We would never have met the kind local gentleman as we would have relied on technology to get us where we needed to be, not human interaction."
And you know what he is correct. Though we did not have physical GPS, we had instinctual and spiritual GPS illustrated by our encounter with the kind man. Demonstrating to me that life is full of synchronistic events such that when we remain open and willing to ask for help, we are always led to where we need to be because we are always where we are meant to be. Further letting me know, we should never overrule the institutional and spiritual GPS that is always with us. Always guiding us and will never lead us astray.
There are no random acts. Every act is intentional and meant to be. Just as there are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. And for the kind man who led us to where we needed to be, I am truly grateful. Making us fall in love even more with this beautiful and natural place called Vermont. Even though I still have not found any Olitz jam! Nor the house Fitz built for Olivia! Vermont is still an enchanting and magical place that has restored my faith in our natural GPS. We are never lost. There is always a way. Namaste.

Basking in the natural flow and harmony of life

So far this has proven to be a blissful vacation for me and my family. We have allowed ourselves to slow right down to the point of doing nothing. Of only doing what feels right to us. Not forcing ourselves to run out and do anything if we feel like we want to do nothing.
We are surrounded by beautiful nature. Mountains full of green trees right outside of our door. All we need to do is sit and look out and allow the richness of life to fill us. To feel the abundance of life seep through us without having to rush about to feel like we have purpose.
What this vacation is showing me is sometimes it is okay to allow life to come to us rather than chasing it down. Rather than feeling inadequate if we make no decisions because as I read yesterday indecision is a decision as well. Every action we take has purpose. Even inaction we take is still action because by doing nothing we are still doing something.
Nothing we do is life is without consequence. Double negative I know but it is with purpose because double negative makes a positive and that is what this vacation is telling me. By allowing my mind, body and soul to rest, I am allowing all of me to listen to the sounds of the world I sometimes block out when I am going at full speed. When I am running here and there, helter, skelter trying to show I have purpose. Trying to find my purpose.
Purpose is inherent in us. Innate to us because each one of us came here with purpose. With intention to be who we are, where we are. And what I am discovering this week is that purpose does not come from chasing anything. Purpose comes from standing still, sitting still, being still and allowing life to come to us. Allowing the answers to bubble to the surface. Giving all of us the space and time to catch up with us.
Allowing the intent of who we are to be heard. Often when we are running around trying to be important, we lose our importance because we lose focus. We lose touch with our innermost selves and we begin to live the life that everyone else expects of us rather than the life we want for ourselves. Rather than taking the time to listen to nature. Rather than taking the time to observe the leaves blowing in the breeze. To see the morning light rising over the mountain sending beams of life dazzling through the air and into our soul. To feel the air on our skin. To commune totally with the natural side of life that exists along side, beside us.Filling us with purpose.
Yesterday we went out for a late breakfast, lunch as we did the day before. No rushing. No hurrying. All of us feeling fairly lethargic. No one really wanting to do anything but be. So we decided to come back to our condo and just veg. As we were walking back in,  we met the maintenance man and said hello to him. When we did, his whole face lit up. It was then that I saw the fire in his eyes and the peace in his soul radiating out of him. He said with pure joy and feeling, "Beautiful day today isn't it?"
We all agreed and he continued as he looked wistfully around, "I have lived here all my life and I never get used to the beauty of this place. I never tire of its  beauty. I look around me sometimes and can't believe what I see."
As he spoke these words, I looked up and around and took in the freshness of the air, the lushness of the vegetation, the sun high up in the sky, the clouds with different formations than the ones I am used to in Bermuda, the odd call of a bird - different to the sounds of the birds of Bermuda and I inhaled deeply. Inhaled the promise of all that is, was and is to come and felt so a part of life. So a part of nature that I knew just being is enough. Just honouring the spirit that is us all is enough. Gratitude gets us much more than hustle and bustle as I allowed the magic of the moment to seep through me.
We came downstairs and sat out on the grass in our deck chairs and looked out over the mountains and just became one with nature. One with the Universe allowing our minds, bodies and spirits to decompress and to recharge. As we did, a little visitor came out from under our porch and sat and stared at us. Obviously feeling non-threatened by us, a little ground hog with a face like our Mysty. My husband and son named Gordon. My daughter and I named Polly. All five of us content to be in each other's space enjoying the bountifulness of nature. Allowing the simplicity of life to fill us up with gratitude and grace.
Accepting that sometimes it is better to just do nothing and allow life to come to us rather than chasing it and missing all that it has to offer. And that's what vacations can do for us when we allow ourselves to just be. As we are this week surrounded by the natural beauty that asks nothing from us in return. Basking in the natural flow and harmony of life with gratitude. It doesn't get any better than this.

Namaste.

It is the simple things in life that bring us the most joy

Yesterday was one of those joyful days that stripped away all lines between parenthood and children. When there was no divide between who was the parent and who was the child.
As the mist lifted off the mountains, the rain stopped, and the light of the sun glistened on the green trees on the mountains, so did the divide between my husband and I, as the parents, and our children. We became peers, equals in joy.
Our day began without plan. Without expectation. Without hurry. We just went with the flow from the moment we woke up. From the moment we joined as a family unit yesterday morning. By not putting pressure on each other to do anything or to be anywhere we ended up opening ourselves to the abundance of the Universe and revelling in its flow. Allowing it to take us wherever we were meant to go; not where we ought to go. And as a result we ended up everywhere that brought us pure joy.
We left our condo with the mist rising slowly over the mountains with hints of light threatening to take over from the grey. As we walked out, our daughter who is the queen of selfies took  our first family selfie together. Bringing our truly out of the dark ages and into the light.
Capturing in that moment in that one photo the joy we felt for being reunited. For being together again as a family in an environment where there are no expectations. No deadlines. No homework. No one asking anything of us except for us. The selfie reflecting the pure and unbounded joy.
From there we went back to our local, "The Mix" for a late breakfast, early lunch and just hung out there talking about life. Sparring with each other about just about everything. Each showing the different personalities and interests we have but at the same time a love that binds us in ways that is indescribable. My husband squeezing my hand as we both felt the love that we share as a family without having to say a word.
We then went on a walk through the bike trail. Stopping under a newly constructed bridge to throw pebbles in the water to see who could throw the farthest, who could make their pebble skip the most. My son trying to teach me how to throw a pebble properly. Our laughter filling the otherwise silence of nature.
Once we finished our walk we came back to have a mother son against father daughter ping pong match so we thought. One match that turned into about ten because mother son kept beating father daughter. The atmosphere fun. The lines blurring between parent and child as we became just people playing ping pong. Messing with each other, supporting each other and just being together.
And then it was time to go to dinner. During which my son and I got into a huge debate about technology and its effect on young people. Its effect on him. Both of us getting angry with the other because neither of us felt the other was listening. My husband and daughter quiet as the tension between my son and I escalated. Ego getting in the middle of our discussion as we started to really argue.
Me surprised by him not backing down. Him disappointed with the approach I was taking. My daughter's face changing to hurt by the minute until I asked her what was wrong. She telling me I was not being fair to her brother and explaining why. Me feeling like the daughter and her like my mother. How did the roles reverse I thought and how could this eleven year old be putting me in my place -  not disrespectfully but matter of factly. I could not argue with her because she was right. I was wrong. As sometimes I am because I am human and learning each day too. She taking the steam out of the argument and bringing me back to a place of reason.
The argument ending with my husband telling our daughter he loved her for standing up for her brother. Me feeling guilty. Hugging my son as we walked out of the restaurant and he hugging me back as I explained to him all I want is the best for him and his sister. Both of us telling each other we loved each other. Disagreement done.
We ended the night with a game of Scrabble. A wonderful test of our grasp of the English language. A fun night that ended with our son barely edging out his father, the self proclaimed Scrabble King, to win much to his chagrin. A night full of laughter that ended much later than we dreamed.
A day and night well worth the quality time we spent as a family away from technology. Away from the every day. Just being together and going with the flow. Seeing different aspects of each other we do not see with the hustle and bustle of every day life.
My husband commenting as we were all going to bed about how proud he is of our children. Proud of how they are growing up. Yet how sad he is because he knows that with each day they are growing away from us. Reminding me to just enjoy the time we have together. Not worry about what is coming tomorrow or the next day. To just be as we were yesterday. No distractions. Just us.
As the mist rose up the mountains, as the rain stopped so did the blurred lines between my husband and I as parents and our children as we become one. A group of four people coexisting in a space together created from a place of love and pure joy. What a wonderful place to be. What a wonderful group of four we are. How blessed am I. How blessed are we.
It is the simple things in life that brings us the most joy. It is the simple things in life that bring us the most joy. It truly is.

Grateful my family is back together again

Last night I could not sleep. I was so excited that my family is back again. Wired from the adrenaline of travel. From the excitement of all that we have experienced thus far as a family but at the same time feeling a twinge of sadness about the swiftness of time.  It seems the summer is slipping by so quickly with everyone here and there. Doing our own individual things to help with our individual growth. But now we are together having some quality time as a family. Back at our home away from home in Smuggler's Notch, Vermont. A place we have not been for a few years but a place we feel like we have always been when we return.
We drove from the Catskills through the mountains and highways. Away from my daughter's dream come true camp to JFK to take our flight to Burlington, Vermont. Early in the morning when there were very few people on the road allowing us to relax on our journey back. Giving us a much different experience from the journey we had on the way there. And somehow with our family balanced again with the male and female energy, our journey felt that much more tolerable and enjoyable.
The torrential rain that had been predicted for our drive did not hit us, thankfully, until we were nearly at the airport allowing us to enjoy the scenery for most of the drive and allowing the drive to fly by. When we landed in Vermont much to our surprise the rain that had been predicted there had stopped and we were greeted by the green lushness that is indicative of Vermont. Our state home welcoming us back home in her full glory. Trees and grass so green it felt magical. There is nothing more magical than nature at its best.
When we arrived at our timeshare everyone felt at peace. Like we are home. We sat on our enclosed porch looking out over the mountain range chatting and laughing about the experiences we had shared individually. Bringing each other up to date about our individual lives. And despite the chilly but clear weather outside, we were warm on the inside. Warmed by our family love. and our togetherness.
Later on, our son and daughter happy to be reunited, so off they went together to play table tennis while I got our home set up. Seeing the two of them back together again even though they bickered off and on filled me with so much joy.
While everyone else was fast asleep,  I was restless thinking about I don't know what. All I know is that I could not wait to see the rising sun over the mountains in the morning so I watched the clock as every hour rolled by. Until I could take it no more and got up early on our first real morning of our family vacation. Only to find the mountains totally hidden by the clouds, mist and rain. I was disappointed at first until I decided there was no need to be disappointed. No need to feel sad. No need to allow expectations to cloud just how blessed I really am.
My family is complete. Everyone is together in a relaxed and unrushed way. We are staying in a beautiful place and we have no plans to do anything except to be together. So perhaps that is what the Universe is reminding me of this morning as I look out over the grey mist shrouding the mountains and the trees. Nature is giving me the gift of silence, of nothingness to allow me to see even on those days when it is cold, rainy and grey, there is always sunshine. The sunshine that dwells in our inner most selves. The sunshine that let us be grateful for where we are as we are always. No matter what the physical feels like or looks like.
With gratitude for the silence of this Monday morning with my family complete and my soul feeling complete and joyful that I woke up this morning to see and experience all the wonders that await me. Happy Monday everyone from cold, rainy and misty Vermont. No complaints from me. Namaste

Hope lights the path

Finally I got to see my daughter yesterday after nearly three weeks and it was one of those moments that will remain with me for quite some time. It was a feeling I was not able to understand until this morning when I did a beautiful meditation with Deepak and Oprah. A liberating meditation all about hope.
Allowing me to understand it was hope that I see reflected in the eyes of children. Children not jaded by a past because they don't wallow in yesterday. They live fully in the present when they are allowed to. They also believe that everything is possible. The future is theirs for the making and taking until adults take that future hope from them by telling them what they can't do. By jading them with our lack of hope.
If we allowed our children to develop in the way they are meant to develop without poisoning their minds by placing limitations on what they naturally believe they are capable of achieving, how much more wonderful could their lives and our lives be?
When we influence our children to be what they are not, we take the hope away from them and instead fill them with an unnatural anxiety. A feeling of not belonging. A feeling where there is no hope for tomorrow because their present state is so not them.
Yesterday seeing all of those girls with stars in their eyes because they were in a place that nurtured their dreams and their hopes sent shivers down my spine. Seeing my daughter who seemed to have grown over the three weeks physically, mentally and spiritually standing tall and seemingly floating through the grounds of the camp with friends from everywhere shouting out her name, I knew I was witnessing hope at its best. Seeing my child blossom with such like minded and hopeful people around her, I felt even more blessed this morning when I was able to understand the feeling I felt when I saw them with the message of the meditation this morning. So inspiring. So winglike. So hopeful is hope.
The meditation opened with Oprah telling me, "Just like we look for love and desire peace. We all hope for the best. Your essential self emanates hope. Routed in the all powerful certainty of Source."
She quoted Elie Wiesel, "Just as a man cannot live without dreams. He cannot live without hope. If dreams reflect the past, Hope summons the future. Access that certainty and hope and the happiness that flows to you will be more powerful than you can imagine. It is a force that grounds us and lifts us up at the same time." It was that force of hope I saw and felt at the camp yesterday and it was infectious because I too felt hopeful and joyful just by being in the presence of hope.
Deepak Chopra took over from Oprah telling me, "Happy people are optimistic and hopeful. Hope is a positive force in their lives which is different from feeling anxious and hoping everything will turn out right. When your sense of hope flows from the Source, you know new possibilities will emerge and good outcomes are in sight." I know this to be true because I see it and feel it in children who have been allowed to be who they want to be. I see it and feel it in myself when I allow hope for the future rather than fear of the past to guide me. When I trust that inner voice that never leads me astray. When I don't allow ego to overshadow my inner compass.
Hope opens the path. It isn't passive- just waiting and praying things will change. When we are connected to our true self, we sense what we need to do next to improve any situation. It is that clarity that comes through the darkness, through the noise. It is the light that goes off in the dark and it is called hope. What a wonderful feeling when we get it, feel it. I saw it yesterday very clearly in the eyes of my daughter and her friends. And when I saw it, I felt it as it brought tears to my eyes. A feeling I did not quite understand until I did my powerful meditation this morning with Deepak and Oprah. Feeling hope.
Allowing me to tap into the advice they gave, "The more I nurture hope, the more optimistic I feel, And the more hopeful I am, the more I move naturally to take the opportunities that come my way. Different from feeling trapped and feeling there is no way out.
As Deepak says, "Hope is like a thread leading out of the maze. It doesn't get us out, but it is our connection to freedom. If we follow the thread we can make our way out and feel the joy of liberation. Be open to becoming more hopeful and letting hope be our guide. Having this intention is powerful and allows us to be hopeful. Hope prevents us from being influenced by negative thoughts that automatically come to mind for many people."
Hope is our path to freedom because hope is freedom. It is the belief that all things are possible through our intentions. It is the knowledge that only we can light our path by being hopeful. For when we keep makiing connections with our true self, we are also connecting to the source of hope. A source that replenishes itself over and over again because it is fuelled from the endless possibility available from the One Source.
Hope that beautiful light that shines through the eyes of undoctrinated children and is possible for us too when we connect back to our true selves. Hope is the light that lights my path. The lights your path. That lights our path. When you lose hope and want to restore it look for a child with the light in her eyes and immediately you will feel it again as I did yesterday with the eyes of my daughter and her new found friends. Hope is the light of my path. Hope is the path to freedom because it is freedom. Namaste

Frustration often leads to great satisfaction

Yesterday was one of those classic travelling days when everything that could delay us, did. Testing us to see how much we could take before we turned on each other. My husband and I bickering at every turn. Our son trying to be the diplomat to keep us on track. Now when I look back on our journey, I wish we had recorded it so we could watch it and have a good laugh at ourselves for sweating the small stuff rather than appreciating the good that was happening for us.
We began our vacation waiting for what seemed like an eternity for our rental car at the soul less Hertz office because I had requested GPS much to my husband's chagrin. Causing his blood pressure and the tension between us to rise because he wanted to set out on our drive and me requesting the stupid GPS was causing the delay. But because I knew we were going into the country and did not want us to get lost, I felt having the GPS was more important than the delays. As one can well imagine, my husband and I were spatting over every little thing because we were frustrated with each other and having to wait so long for a rental car in a place that was not the best to be waiting in.
When we finally got on the road, we ran into traffic jam after traffic jam. Steam, I swear, was coming out of my husband's ears. What was supposed to be a two hour drive turned into over a three hour drive. We crept along with the only saving grace being listening to the provocative humour of Howard Stern on the radio. My husband questioning whether it was appropriate for our 15 year old son to be listening. Our son asking us to turn up the radio so he could hear. All of us laughing and somehow trying to forget the delays and hiccups we were experiencing.
And  then one of those magical moments that usually only happen in the movies happened to us. As we were creeping along, locals were trying to get out of the traffic jams and over to the side roads so they were cutting across lanes to get to the far side. When we stopped to let a black SUV cross over the lanes in front of us,something about the way the man waved at us seemed familair to me. So when he crossed, I looked at his license plate to see much to my surprise that it read, CBERMUDA! What a pleasant surprise. Out of all the millions of people in NY, how likely was it that we would cross paths with a car with a Bermuda license plate. Bringing a smile to our faces. The man had waved only in the way a Bermudian would wave. And I had trusted my gut to want to know why he seemed so familiar.
I swear he was our lucky charm for the day because afer our encounter with him, the bottleneck of traffic finally broke. Allowing us to cross over the George Washington Bridge with relative ease, feeling like we were on top of the world. Looking down over the water.  Moving us away from the congestion and the lines of buildings and homes to big open space. With wide open lanes and space to breathe. And then the lanes became smaller lanes lined with big old trees. Completely changing the landscape from one of overload and frustration to one of space and relaxation. Finally we could relax to the drive we were taking showing us how quickly life can change when we are patient enough and keep going even when it seems that everything is conspiring against us.
Allowing me to see first hand that often we give up just before we are about to hit the jackpot because we get tired of all the distractions, the noise and the stops and starts. But when we persevere and have faith, what we gain is so much more than giving up. Coming out of the hustle and bustle of the city and entering the peace and serenity of nature in upstate New York illustrated that fact for me loud and clear as I looked around at the mountain in front of us, the beautiful old trees that could tell us many stories and the wide open space. Allowing me to be truly grateful for every hiccup and frustration we had experienced along the way because each one of them had been necessary for me to appreciate the beauty that was before my eyes.
Beauty I may have taken for granted had we not experienced what we had to get to where we were. On vacation with my family almost ready to see our daughter after nearly three weeks. What could be better than that! What a great lesson to learn, frustration often leads to great satisfaction. And as always the journey is much more rewarding than the destination when we take the time to appreciate we are always where we are meant to be, delays, mishaps and all. So true. So true.

We are love

What must it be like to go through life

Without knowing love

True love

The love that comes from deep within

The love that never fades

The love that asks for nothing in return

Because it is

The love that is us

What must it be like to never know

The true meaning of love

The meaning that resides within us

The meaning that asks for nothing in return

Except for us to be us

To love us

To not question that we are loved

Because we know the meaning of love

The true meaning of love

The love that is us

What must it be like to never see the love

The love that is within us

The love that questions not

The love that seeks not

The love that just is

The love that is us

What must it be like to never feel the love

The true love that resides within

The love that always remains

Even when everything else fades

The love that wraps its arms around us

And protects us

And keeps us from harm

The love that is us

What must it be like to never know love

True love

Eternal love

Ethereal love

Spiritual love

Love that reflects back to us

And refracts back to us

Every single day

In every single way

In every single thing we do

When we surrender our hearts

And souls

Bodies and minds

Back to the place

The place where only love resides

Always resides

Deep within

The amber that is always present

Always lit

Even on our darkest days

Our darkest nights

When all we need do

Is to ask for nothing

Seek nothing

But just to believe

That we are always loved

Always loved

Forever loved

Allowing us to know

That no matter what

No matter how

No matter where

Love is always with us

Because love is us

And we are love

What must it be like to go through life

Without knowing love

True love

The love that is us

When we are love

And love is us

Nothing matters unless we have spiritual peace

Yesterday some friends and I were discussing the untimely and tragic death of one of the funniest men that lived, Robin Williams. We discussed how no matter how much wealth we accumulate, how much fame we may gain, unless and until we are peace with who we are and why we are here, none of those things matter. None of the trappings of the physical world can ever bring us peace as can coming face to face with who we are, what we are and why we are here.

We then discussed how most of us are striving. Here trying to find our way. Trying to accumulate. Trying to do better than where we are. I was thinking about that more and I consider us to be the average people. We are the ones who have enough to sustain us but are still trying to find that little more. Allowing us to wake up with purpose every day even though we may not think we do. We do because we are striving to make our lives better than what they already are. Therefore providing us with a reason to have to get out of bed every single day. We have to go to work. We have to show up. We have hope that one day our lives will become easier.

But what happens when we attain what we have been striving for? What happens when our dream does become a reality? What happens then? What purpose do we have then? And I believe that is why we are seeing so many famous people, so many stars committing suicide because they are chasing the high they felt when they attained the success. That moment when their dreams became their reality. When they believed they had reached the mountaintop and they felt invincible. Until they woke up the next day, and still found they were the same person who went to bed the day before their dreams became reality.

I remember one actor saying becoming famous is like being in prison. A great analogy because I believe our minds become the prison when we reach the pinnacle we had envisioned for ourselves. And the reason our minds do is because then when we wake up in the morning, we are not waking up to do our everyday. We have achieved the everyday prize. So instead we are waking up to ourselves each and every day and each and every day we are forced to confront who we are and why we are. We no longer have anyone else to blame for who we are.  All obstacles have been removed. In some ways we have become the destination. The end game. We have everything and there is nothing stopping us from finding happiness because we have it all so we thought. But yet we still are not content.

Ironically I was watching Netflix Original series called Orange is the New Black, when the main character, Piper, told a young person who thought she was tough, thought she was invincible, that coming to prison strips people of all their bravado. It forces them to have to come face to face with who they are. It brings to the surface all the fears they have tried to suppress about themselves because prison forces them to have to deal with who they are in order to survive the confinement. Very much like what the famous actor was saying about fame.

Leading me to the conclusion that having everything is the equivalent of having nothing. Both become prisons until we find spiritual peace. The peace within. The peace that can’t be taken away by anyone except ourselves.  Spiritual peace comes from being at peace with who we are. It comes when the soul is at peace. It comes when the heart is at peace. It does not come from wealth. It does not come from success. It comes from being able to look in the mirror and feeling at peace with who we are and where we are and why we came here.

Lately there have been several deaths of some very high profile and “successful” people and I believe it is with intention. The intention of waking us up to the fact that life is much more than striving. Much more than chasing and obtaining dreams. Much more than becoming successful in the material sense. Life is about mastering spiritual peace. About finding contentment with who we are. Accepting that life is a journey not a destination. That even when our dreams do come true, unless we are at peace, our dream will become a nightmare for us.

And when we do find spiritual peace, it is up to us to use our spiritual peace to bring peace to those around us. Because as William Shakespeare said, “A light heart lives long.” I believe this to be true because when our hearts and souls are light, we are at peace. We become the love and light we asked to come here to be. We embody the spirit that is us.

To Robin Williams, Philip Seymor Hoffman, and all those who could not find peace with themselves, thank you for being the angels that you are because I believe you came here to show us the truth and light. To show us that material possessions matter not if we do not find peace. If we do not accept we are peace. To show us that life is not a destination, it is a journey. That when we reach the mountaintop, all we have done is surpassed one level but there will be many more to come.

May you now rest in peace. For your example I am truly grateful. For I am learning nothing matters until we have found spiritual peace. The peace within.

Replacing emptiness with joy and surrender

Feeling empty at the moment

Like something is missing

It is missing

Such a weird feeling

To be childless

So strange to have no children around

A glimpse of what is to come

When my children go on to adulthood

And leave my husband and me behind

Much sooner than I ever thought I would know this feeling

Never dreaming they would be ready to go so soon

Leaving my heart feeling empty

Restless

My hands idle

As I wait for them to contact

As I hope they are well

As I wish them well

As I send them love and light

As I wonder if they are making good decisions

As I hope they understand and remember

Every decision they make

Has a knock on effect

That one thing leads to another

That to make it

They have to be strong

Yet gracious

Considerate

Yet self-determined

That they are making a mark in the world

Every time they turn

That what they give out

They will receive in return

As a mother, I pray for them

From a well deep within

A well that never runs dry

A well that is pure and unconditional love

A well of total openness and vulnerability

A well that overflows

Because it is the well of my essence self

That is forevermore attached to my children

No matter where they are

No matter where they may go

We are always attached

Always one

Because we were one once

My heart is empty

My soul is bereft

Until I breathe

And go deep

To tap into that place

That place of connection

That place that allows me to let go

To surrender to the moment

The moment that is now

That says a mother’s love never dies

It only grows and expands with her children

A mother’s love is the purest love

When she loves herself first

And shows her children how to love

Just by being love

Without judgment

Without shame

I am missing my children this morning

The house feels empty

I look in their rooms

Expecting to see them

Expecting to hear them

Expecting to hug them

And tell them I love them

And hear them tell me they love me in return

But they are not there

Their rooms are empty

The house is quiet

Their presence missed

Physically

But felt spiritually

From that connection

That special connection that comes

When I close my eyes

And feel them with me

When I connect with them on a much deeper level

And then I remember

I only have them for a short time

So I cannot crowd them

Cannot suppress them

Cannot hold them back from who they are

And what they are here to do

So I let go

Let go of the emptiness

And allow it to become joy

Joy that they are confident enough

And sure enough

To go

Knowing there is always a place

A place for them to return

And that place goes beyond the physical

It is ethereal, spiritual and ever present

It is the place of pure and unconditional love

To my son who will be back later today

To my daughter who we will see soon

Know that you are loved

I hope you remember

No matter where you are

No matter what you become

You are loved

You are loved

You are loved

Missing you both terribly

But loving that you are growing

And expanding your horizons

Beyond the confines of our home

Remembering always

You are loved

The magic is always there

Last night I stood at the window looking out at the super moon. Its perfect roundness like the pregnant belly of a woman about to give birth. Its radiant light seeping into my soul. Filling me with abundance, joy and the belief that all is possible when I believe it is. When I surrender all to the All. When I accept every step I take, every decision I make, every choice I make, is leading me to the place I am meant to be. The place I am right now. The place I always am.

Last night I followed the moon from window to window seeking to be embraced by its magic, its love, Its light. Looking for the shooting stars that were meant to be. Wishing and hoping they would appear just for me against the backdrop of the super moon. My heart sinking each time I moved to another location and there were no shooting stars to be seen. Not one for my eyes to see. Not one for my heart to feel. There was no magic. Disappointed there was none for me.

But then I realized as I got up several times during the night hoping it would be my turn to see the magic of the shooting stars whizzing across the sky that they were there. Just not meant for me. That sometimes we have to just believe in magic without seeing it happen directly before our eyes. That sometimes the magic is happening but for others who need it more than we do but it is happening nonetheless.

That sometimes we just have to believe in what we can’t see. Even when what we are looking for, seeking does not become visible for us. And just because it is not visible for us does not mean it is not happening somewhere, someplace else for someone more needy than we are. And when it does, it does not mean we are less worthy. No it means we are already full and it is time to fill someone else.

Last night I lay in bed watching the dance of the moon through the shadows of my blinds. Hoping to see the miracle. The miracle of the shooting stars against the backdrop of the super moon. Disappointed when they did not come. Thinking of how when I was a young girl, I used to see shooting star after shooting star until I took them for granted. Until I expected they would always appear when I called upon them. But now that I am a woman they do not appear near as much. Is it because I gave up on the magic? Is it because I expect it too much? Is it because I stopped being and started seeking instead of just being where I am meant to be? As I did was when I was a child. When I made no demands on the Universe. I just did and allowed what was meant to be, to be.

Last night I stood at the windows. Moving from one window to the next seeking the magic instead of just allowing the magic to be. The magic that is all the time when I accept it is always there and it does not need to prove it exists just for me when in fact it exists for us all. Realizing this morning the magic was in the moon. The super moon that kept coming from behind the clouds. That kept coming through the clouds shining its light to remind me that the light is always there even when we think it is not. Even when I think it is not. The magic is always there even when I think it is not.

Sometimes love sneaks in

Sometimes love sneaks in and fills me up such that all I see and feel is love. Like last night when my husband of 22 years and I went out on a date night. It all began with yesterday morning when I was meditating and I had this overwhelming sense of love flood through me during my meditation. Like my soul had connected with another on a different dimension full of love. All I could see behind my closed eyes was the colour pink bursting and swirling like a screen of magic.

And when I came out of my meditation, I saw that my husband had left a note in the middle of my desk that said “Love you. Bye XXX”. When I called him, he told me, he had stood by me for a bit trying to decide what to do because he knew I was deep in my meditation. Because he had to leave,  he decided to leave me a note so when I came out of my meditation, I would not wonder where he was. Explainging the feeling of love I had felt during my meditation. A feeling that had filled me for the day. Filled me with such a feeling of pure and unconditional love.

Our son had gone to his friend’s house for a sleep over and our daughter is still away at her camp so we decided to take advantage of this free time to have a date. We got dressed and went out hand in hand to the new Indian Fusion restaurant, Ruby Murrys, in the Chancery Lane and had the best time. The food, ambiance and people that had chosen to come to the restaurant at the same time as we had made for a beautiful, romantic and fun evening. 

We laughed and talked like the couple who had met some 24 years before. Reminiscing about the path life had taken us on and will continue to take us on. Talking about how proud we are of our children’s relationship with each other. Talked about the things that concern us about them. Talked about the love we still share after all these years together and still more to come.

It was one of those pure moments that sneak up when we least expect. My husband telling me that after all these years, he is so pleased he married me. So pleased he followed his instincts from our first date when he knew I was the woman for him even though I would not allow him to kiss me. The first date where he introduced me to the philosophical side of life when he drew on a napkin that the journey is far more important than the destination. Words I never forgot. Words that when I am lost in the down of our relationship I cling to to keep me whole.

Last night was one of those magical moments in our marriage. One of those moments that I will always go back to when we face the dark side of marriage as we have done many times before and will most certainly face as we move forward in our relationships. What I have learned over the many trials and tribulations of our marriage is that love is much more than the physical. It is something that comes from a place deep down inside which comes forth such that the physical fades into nonimportance. Surpassed by the soulful and deep love that comes from our most childlike and innocent as well as vulnerable center that controls all in our lives. Such that when we tap into this place, this vulnerable place, and are willing to go with it, the love that comes is a love that is indestructible even in the face of darkness because it is a mature love. An accepting love. A sustaining love. A love that grows as we grow as individuals. A love that allows for individuality even when it scare us. Shakes us to the core.

To my husband who could not be any more opposite than me in more ways than one, but at the core we are the same, thank you for still loving me after all these years together. For still finding me attractive. For weathering so many storms with me and still making me laugh. For being a great father, partner and jack of all trades, and the greatest love of my life, thank you.

For a great date night and love, I am truly grateful. Looking forward to many more. With love and appreciation…

On those days when we don't know

On those days when we don’t know

Where to begin

Where to turn

Where to start

Who to start with

What to do

What to start with

When to start

When to stop

When to go

When we are stuck

Spinning round and round

That’s when we are being asked to trust

Have faith

Believe

We are where we are meant to be

Even in the stuck state we are in

Perhaps we are being held

There where we are

To stop us from moving into something

Not meant for us

Perhaps we are being held for our greater good

And the greater good of those with us

To keep us there

To force us to ask

Who am I

What do I want

Am I jumping because I am afraid to stay still

Am I afraid of the voice that is telling me

Talking me through

This place of darkness

This place where I feel I can’t breathe

This place that feels like it is sucking me in

The question then becomes

Why do we feel so stuck

Why do we feel like we can’t breathe

Why does it feel like every step I take

Or don’t take

Takes me backwards

Drags me

Further into the darkness

Further away from the light

Sucking me back

Pulling me down

Dragging me down

And down

Forcing me to question who am I

What do I want

Everyone else is moving

Everyone but me

Why me

I question over and over again

Help me to find what it is

I asked to come here for

Help me to see the light

In this cold dark place

Help me to understand the people

I am stuck with

The people that don’t seem to want to move either

Help me to understand

Why we are all pulling each other down

Instead of helping each other up

What is this place

This place of waiting

This place of standing still

This place where there is no movement

Where the air is still and stale

Taking my breath away

My will away

Question after question

Comes into my head

Filling me with gloom

A dank and dark gloom

That snuffs out the light

Until I really stop trying

Until I let go

Giving me space to go to the window

The window where I see the moon

Pushing through the dark clouds

On an otherwise dark night

With each gust of wind

A dark cloud is moved from the moon

Allowing its light to shine through

The light that is always there

But obscured sometimes by dark clouds

Allowing me to see

And understand the allegory

Right before my eyes

Allowing me to go to the place of no noise

To go to the place of silence

The place of my inner voice

The place where the Divine resides

And I listen

Really listen

To the voice

That tells me

I am being held in this dark place

Because I refuse to hear

Refuse to let go

Refuse to want to surrender

To the all knowing

That is holding me here

To save me from a fate that is not mine

To build me for the fate that is mine

To allow me to know

There is no right or wrong

Black or white

Everything resides somewhere in between

And sometimes I will be left in the wilderness

In the darkness

In the waiting place

So I can grow

Into the person I asked to come here to be

Because there is always light

Even on our darkest days

Sometimes it is just obscured by our vision

Our own darkened vision

By the dark clouds that come

To help us to remember

That even the darkness is temporary

The light is always there

Always waiting for us

To remember our power

Our power within

That guides us and sometimes

Hold us

Until we are strong enough

To stand in our own light

To be our own light

Because even on those days 

When we don't know

We think we don't know

We convince ourselves we don't know

We always know

Always know