Sometimes we are so connected with people that when we see them again after a separation, time and distance melts away and it feels as if we were never separated before. That is exactly how I felt when I saw my son again yesterday after not seeing him for two weeks. And I have to admit it was a very strange feeling. The anticipation to see him again had been so high that my expectations about what we would do when we saw each other was like something out of a romantic movie. But in actuality when we saw each other, none of that occurred. It was like we had not been separated but had always been together. We fell right back into the way we always are. Mother and son, no expectations. No wild greetings. It was like we had been together all along.
Within minutes we were bickering about where we should go. My son giving me his sarcastic remarks and I can't believe you just said that looks when I was talking with his instructors. Me laughing on the inside as I could see him cringing with some of the "stupid" questions I was asking as he later told me when we walked down the street away from the ears of others. He would never call them stupid questions outright but he certainly asked me if I really didn't know what certain terms were or if I was just asking for the sake of asking. Me having to remind him there is no such thing as a stupid question. That programming language is foreign to me even though it is something he lives and breathes.
I thoroughly enjoyed hearing his stories about the people he met. The ones that impressed him and the ones that did not. The challenges he faced and got through and the ones he struggled with. And as we walked back from the hotel through the beautiful streets of Cambridge, I realized just how much my son is growing up. Just how independent he is becoming. Just how grateful I am to have a son like my son - even with all of his sarcasm, dry sense of humour and idiosyncrasies of an adolescent male, he is a very caring soul. Always trying to see the good side in everything even if he does not show it, just the way he speaks about his experiences I can hear and feel his underlying concerns coming through.
We walked for about twenty minutes together, losing our way on several occasions as we wound through the streets trying to find our way back to the centre of Harvard Square but it gave us lots of time to chat. To just be in each other's company and a lot of time for me to reflect on motherhood and the choices I have made with my children. And I couldn't help but think of how proud I am of my son. Of how he is growing into a good young man. And that I need not worry so much about him because he is making his own way - quietly but stoically. He is not one to fuss about anything. Does not like a lot of drama in his life and certainly does not need anyone to validate him. He is comfortable in each own skin.
I also realized with certainty that our children are who they are and there is no need to try to make them anything other than who they are if we want to keep them close to us. My son said he enjoyed this programming camp because he was with people who think like him. People he could relate to and he felt really comfortable learning about all the different types of programmes that were possible to create. He enjoyed stretching his mind with people that allowed him to stretch his mind.
I also learned that when I tried to send him in another direction, he honestly told me he did not want to go that way. So I am learning to back off and not force him to do what I want him to do instead letting him steer his own way and that way he can continue to be the outside of the box thinker he is rather than the inside of the box thinker I sometimes want him to be. Knowing he is much happier being who he came here to be and is.
As we walked and I looked at my son out of the corner of my eye, I could not help feeling a great love and respect for him. Filling me with so much love that he chose me to be his mother and I chose him to be my son. With each step we took back to the hotel, time and distance melted into the ether as we fell back into the rhythm of our relationship with love and gratitude - mother and son, son and mother.
Today we make our way back home - back to my husband and daughter, his father and sister - so we can become four again. Our family back together again and we are so looking forward to us being one - united again without distance. Father, Mother, Son and Daughter - our family back together in a few hours. So grateful for the unit I chose to call my family and the unit that chose me as mother and wife for we are all growing and loving every day we are together and apart. As we differ and agree. As we experience trials and tribulations.
Such a wonderful feeling to learn and accept the difference between guiding and dictating, holding on and letting go - lessons I would never have learned had I not become a mother and a wife. So wonderful to be falling back into step without effort with my son and soon with my husband and daughter. The familiarity, love and security of family is unparalleled and so worth the trials. So worth the pain sometimes because when we come out on the other side, there is nothing like the love we experience together. The history we share. The unit we are. So grateful for my husband, my son and my daughter. So grateful for us. Namaste.
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