She gets like that sometimes after eating too much dairy but this time I was wondering if it is the reality of her being away from us that has caused this illness to come on so out of the blue. I mean she is only 11 so it must be just as frightening for her to be away from us as it is for me thinking about her being gone for that long.
All night long I kept waking up to hold her close so she knows she is loved. So she could feel my love pouring into her little body. Hoping that it poured into her soul and stays there for the entire 3 weeks she will be gone.
As I type I look over at her little sleeping self beside me. Content and in her dream world and I send her love and light. Hoping she knows even though we may be apart physically for 3 weeks, we are never apart mentally. Never apart spiritually.
Sure I went through the same separation anxiety with my son but this feels a little more cutting because she is only 11 whereas the first time he left us for an extended period, he was 14 and we stayed in the same country with him. I will be leaving the US tomorrow to go back home. Leaving my little girl here in the hands of those I really do not know but have to trust they know what they are doing.
So it is a bittersweet moment for me this morning as I try to be brave for my girl so she can bravely go on in pursuit of her dream. So she can courageously do what she has to do to see if musical theatre is really for her.
It really is tough being a parent when we have to let go when all we really want to do is to hold on. When we are filled with worry and apprehension about whether we have made the right decisions about where our children will go and what they will do. When we want to protect them from the cruelties of the world but know we can't. Life grows them through the good and bad just as it does us.
It is truly a life lesson when we learn that the path is already laid before us depending on what decision we choose to make. Which road we decide to take. And it begins on the day we decide we want to become parents, to the day we conceive, through to the day our children are born and continues through our lives. Lives connected in such a way that there is never a seperation even when there physically is.
And to make matters worse I am not able to connect to the Internet. Not able to carry out my daily routine of finding beautiful music to meditate with to center myself. To hear the noises going on inside. Making me that much more paranoid and worried. But realizing life is helping me to understand even when we go off into the unknown if we keep putting one foot in front of the other with faith, love and light, we will always end up where we are meant to be because we always are.
My daughter has just turned and moaned wrapping her arm across my body - my little heat seeker, still fast asleep. Making my heart melt that much more. She seems so young, so little as I look at her sleeping face.
How will I make it for 3 weeks without her? I do not know but I am praying I have made the decision that will be best for us both. And then just as I finished typing she moved away as if answering me that she will be okay. Her elbow still touching mine but her body no longer wrapped around me as if to let me know no matter where we go, we will always be connected.
So with a lump in my throat I accept we are where we are meant to be - my beautiful daughter and me. Allowing her to pursue her dream without me there is really hard but what needs to be I tell myself holding back the tears.
Thinking of some 41 years ago when I was 10 and went off to Boston for 6 weeks away from my family. The first time I had ever been away from my mother for that long as well as the first time I had ever been on an airplane and though sometimes it was hard, I made it through and in the end did not want to leave. I'm hoping my daughter has the same experience and more. Particularly since hers is in pursuit of her dream.
Bittersweet moment for me as I am both excited and nervous for my girl. My baby girl growing up so fast.
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