I am facing one of my greatest fears over and over again while
here in London. Escalators. Those dreaded and deeply unnerving things that literally
make my teeth chatter. Even writing about them makes my palms sweaty and my
heart race. But I am conquering my fear
slowly but surely because the choice to avoid them has been taken out of my
hands.
Having to take the tube into work every day requires me to
have to use escalators to get to the underground. Not just small escalators but
monster escalators. Ones that seem to snake endless down into the abyss. So upon
approaching them, I have to give myself a pep talk. Encouraging myself to just
take the first step and then keep moving. Or at least follow behind a mass of
people and then step on en sync with them such that I can’t see what’s coming.
Can’t see what’s ahead. Instead use them to shield me from the huge drop that
comes once I am on the escalator.
To make matters worse there are signs that say journeyers
must stay to the right on the escalators so those in a hurry can get past those
who are in less of a hurry. If there are such persons. And of course because
all of the distractions such as ads and the security of a wall are on the left side I feel much safer
boarding to the left. And once I am there I can’t move. My grip on the moving
escalator side is so tight that it would probably take a crane to get me out of
there. As to me to loosen that grip would mean potentially allowing myself to
tumble face first to the bottom of the escalator. So moving to the right is too
much to ask of me.
Rather than berating myself for not being able to move to
the right, yesterday I gave myself credit for at least getting on the
escalator. Even if I was on the wrong side particularly since people were
really patient with me. No one yelled at me to move to the right. They just
went round me unlike the day before when I was told I needed to move to the
right by a lady who needed to get pass me.
I apologised to her and told her I had a huge phobia about
escalators and her whole attitude changed and she became more understanding. Explaining
I needed to stay to the right if I was not in a hurry. So now of course I feel guilty
for slowing those up who need to get through. I have told myself that today is
the day when I get on to the right. My heart is racing already. My mouth dry.
Willing myself to just take the first step to the right and let fate handle the
rest.
I am learning from going back to the Underground. To the
place where I am learning to conquer one of my greatest fears. Escalators.
Where I am learning that in order to conquer my fear I have to just do it. Just
trust that I am where I am meant to be. Trust that whatever is meant to happen
will happen and if I try to avoid the lesson I am meant to learn, it will only
take me that much longer to learn it. And as a result it will keep showing up.
Keep challenging me until I answer its call and just do it. Just face it and
let it move through me such that I may look back and see it is behind me as I
am hoping my fear of escalators will be no more after this week.
And even if the fear is still there, I am not allowing it to
hamper me from moving on. Because in doing so, I am learning to let go and let
be. Wish me luck on those monster escalators today.
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