Feeling blessed on this first day of August

Wow can you believe it is August 1 already. Another month greeting us. Eight months into the year. The year that seems like it just started yesterday and here we are 8 months into it. Just 4 more months left and this year will be giving way to another new year. Life seems to be flying by at lightning speed for me.

Not marching on but racing on. I am telling myself now to enjoy every single day. Every single minute. Every single second that I am breathing, living and experiencing. To appreciate all that happens to and for me. To just love life even when I am down in dark tube stations as I have been for this week. To appreciate I am fortunate enough to have these experiences.

To appreciate that I am blessed enough to step outside of my normal routines and assume a different one from time to time. To appreciate that I am living in a huge city for this week and I am with my family. Well at least two other members of my family.  While my son is still up at Oxford.

Each of us having our own experience. Each of us getting and gaining the lessons we are meant to at this stage in our lives. Me dealing with my fears and working through them. My husband getting time to spend on his own exploring and walking. My daughter pushing through her limits and establishing herself at her theatre school. Having to exert herself in order to gain the respect of the school and her new friends. Watching her blossom before our eyes.

Our son obviously enjoying himself because all we have heard from him are two Skype messages. One that said hi and the other telling us it’s okay in response to our message saying sorry we missed his message. Other than that nothing. So I am trying to be a positive mother by telling myself the reason we have not heard from him is because he is so busy enjoying himself he doesn’t have time to contact us. Even though I rush home and sit by Skype and Facebook waiting for him to contact us. Worrying about my first born. Trying hard to be grown up about his experience.

And then I woke up this morning realising it is August 1 and I felt so grateful for everything and everyone that has come and gone in my life and those that remain. So grateful for this experience I am having as a human being on this planet called Earth. Particularly when I look around and see no matter where I go, there is something to be discovered. Something beautiful to see. Experiences that enrich my life so that I can use them to enrich the lives of others just by my experience.

Feeling so blessed to be alive. To be who I am right here right now.. Ready to go out into the world as I am. In gratitude to the Universe and to life itself. Namaste.

Happy August 1 and to my fellow Bermudians, Happy Cup Match, Day 1. Enjoy.

Conquering my fear one step at a time

I am facing one of my greatest fears over and over again while here in London. Escalators. Those dreaded and deeply unnerving things that literally make my teeth chatter. Even writing about them makes my palms sweaty and my heart race.  But I am conquering my fear slowly but surely because the choice to avoid them has been taken out of my hands.

Having to take the tube into work every day requires me to have to use escalators to get to the underground. Not just small escalators but monster escalators. Ones that seem to snake endless down into the abyss. So upon approaching them, I have to give myself a pep talk. Encouraging myself to just take the first step and then keep moving. Or at least follow behind a mass of people and then step on en sync with them such that I can’t see what’s coming. Can’t see what’s ahead. Instead use them to shield me from the huge drop that comes once I am on the escalator.

To make matters worse there are signs that say journeyers must stay to the right on the escalators so those in a hurry can get past those who are in less of a hurry. If there are such persons. And of course because all of the distractions such as ads and the security of  a wall are on the left side I feel much safer boarding to the left. And once I am there I can’t move. My grip on the moving escalator side is so tight that it would probably take a crane to get me out of there. As to me to loosen that grip would mean potentially allowing myself to tumble face first to the bottom of the escalator. So moving to the right is too much to ask of me.

Rather than berating myself for not being able to move to the right, yesterday I gave myself credit for at least getting on the escalator. Even if I was on the wrong side particularly since people were really patient with me. No one yelled at me to move to the right. They just went round me unlike the day before when I was told I needed to move to the right by a lady who needed to get pass me.

I apologised to her and told her I had a huge phobia about escalators and her whole attitude changed and she became more understanding. Explaining I needed to stay to the right if I was not in a hurry. So now of course I feel guilty for slowing those up who need to get through. I have told myself that today is the day when I get on to the right. My heart is racing already. My mouth dry. Willing myself to just take the first step to the right and let fate handle the rest.

I am learning from going back to the Underground. To the place where I am learning to conquer one of my greatest fears. Escalators. Where I am learning that in order to conquer my fear I have to just do it. Just trust that I am where I am meant to be. Trust that whatever is meant to happen will happen and if I try to avoid the lesson I am meant to learn, it will only take me that much longer to learn it. And as a result it will keep showing up. Keep challenging me until I answer its call and just do it. Just face it and let it move through me such that I may look back and see it is behind me as I am hoping my fear of escalators will be no more after this week.

And even if the fear is still there, I am not allowing it to hamper me from moving on. Because in doing so, I am learning to let go and let be. Wish me luck on those monster escalators today.  

A breath of fresh air in the midst of stale air

I am currently in London working and I have to say being here makes me appreciate just how easy it is to live in Bermuda. We sometimes think the grass is greener on the other side. We sometimes fool ourselves into believing what’s over there is better than what we have.

What I am most appreciative of is how easy it is for me to get to and from work when I am back home in Bermuda. Even on those days when there is somewhat of a traffic jam. At least we have the opportunity to look of the window at the beautiful scenery we have all around us. The colours. The ocean. The trees. The birds. The sky. The clouds. All free for us to look at when we are sat in traffic. Available to us on most days of the year. Absolutely free of charge,

Being here in London having to take the subway in to work is so much pressure because thousands of people are trying to get to and from work at the same time. So people end up being squashed together like sardines in a can. Like objects rather than human beings. Everyone rushing trying to get to their destinations that they have no concept of the journey because it is so dark, dank, smelly, impersonal and crowded. No space to breathe in fresh air. No way to look out the window and see the beauty and abundance of nature.

It is an underground existence. One where the light of day does not become known until the destination is reached. Until people have squeezed themselves past everyone else who is intent on getting to their destination that they don’t even see the people coming and going as people. They see them as objects instead. Things in the way of their destination. Not humans but obstructions. So they push and get aggressive with each other because they have one objective in mind and that is to get out of the subway system as fast as they can.

Standing in the dark underground last evening when I was coming on with people crowded all around me, I thought about how fortunate I am to live in a beautiful place where I have a very short and above ground commute to and from work. Where I have the privilege of popping into my children’s school whenever I can without disrupting my day too much. Where I can breathe in nature even on those days when I am frustrated that traffic is backed up. Compared to here, our traffic jams are a walk in the park.

Thinking about how much I missed the colours of my home while staring at the greyness of the walls. Inhaling the smell of the underground. Staying out of the way of those who were trying to get out into the light. And as I was contemplating my home, I could feel somewhere staring at me and I turned and there beside me was a fellow Bermudian standing next to me. Our eyes met and we knew each other instantly. He had been a summer student in our deli we owned many years before. And there he was standing beside me as a man working in London. Grown up and sophisticated. A home grown Bermudian like a needle in a haystack delivered just for me. Just for us. Giving us each a touchstone of home.

The Universe delivering him to me to remind me we are never alone. Never. There is always someone with us. With the same thinking and wavelength as us and when we put our thoughts out there into the Universe without demand or expectation, we are always answered. Always delivered. As I was last evening with the friendly face of a young Bermudian male in the midst of the hundreds of people packed like sardines into the subway station.

A breath of fresh air in the midst of stale air delivered just for me. Just for him. Just for us. Gratitude for the place I call home, Bermuda. Namaste.

A New Perspective for our son and us

Yesterday was a wonderful nostalgic day for my family. We dropped our son off at Oxford University for a two week summer course with children from 99 countries around the world. A bittersweet moment for us all. Us watching him walking away from us. Him walking away from us without turning to wave goodbye.

This will be the longest time we will be separated from each other. The longest having been one week so far. It was really strange checking him into St. Peter’s College. Almost as if he was attending University already. I felt like he was slipping through my hands. Walking away from me and onto his own life.

When we got up to his dorm room, we discovered he was given a single room with a wonderful view over the Oxford  Castle and mound.  We started to unpack his clothes but he told us he wanted to do it himself. Of course I kept unpacking his things because I needed to keep myself busy just so I didn’t think too much about leaving him there on his own at 14.

After unpacking we went on a tour of the campus which is very compact. Easy to get around and safe. Security checks the students in and out. And the students are only allowed limited time to explore the city on their own. The comforting factor being St. Peter’s is in the middle of the city of Oxford so it is easy access for our son to get to without getting lost.

The programme has wonderful excursions planned for them as well. Our son was relieved to know it was not just all studying. That there was some time for fun. Lots of wonderful activities planned for them as well so they can get to know each other. So I felt a little better once I discovered how structured and organised the programme is.

Our son is the first and only so far from Bermuda so we think that’s why he was given special treatment like a room with a view and all on his own. He would have preferred a roommate but at least he gets to do whatever he needs to do.

Once we got him all sorted, we took a walk through the city as a family just so he could feel comfortable with his surroundings but more importantly for me to feel comfortable with where he will be. A mother never really loses grip with her children as I felt today. Grateful we had chosen Oxford as his first experience away from home because it is a beautiful, historic and friendly city.

Then it was time to go back for the Induction Ceremony where we met the director of the Oxford Royale Academy Summer Programme and got to see the other 119 students involved in the New Perspectives Session our son will be involved with. It was amazing to look around the room and see students from Japan, Africa, Germany, USA, India, China, France, Spain and many other countries too numerous to name.

We were then kicked out at 6 pm and told to leave our children so they could learn what was expected of them and they could learn which houses they had been put in. Then they were to go to dinner with their fellow housemates so they could get to know each other as housemates. After dinner have all the students involved in ice breaker activities. Forcing them to talk to each other and break down barriers for them.

I wanted my son to hug me tight before we left as I saw another boy from Japan do with his mother but my son is slightly different from him I know. He hugged me as much as he could and wanted and then I let him go. Not turning to watch him walk away but letting him go. My daughter waved and waved at her big brother. Telling me he never turned to wave goodbye that he just kept going. Her eyes tearing up as did mine but I did not want anyone to see me with the tears so I blinked them away. Knowing the reason he did not turn was because he could not turn. He needed to keep walking away so he could do so with as much strength and willpower as he could. My brave son.

And then we left. Walked through the large doors of the entrance and out onto the street. Ending the chapter our son was to begin on his own.  With heavy heart but with great pride as well. Knowing we will see him in two weeks time, a changed young man from the one we left. Hopefully full of stories and and an experience he will never forget..

An airplane journey taking me back in time

Last night we flew overnight to London and we were across the aisle from a couple who had a baby that was not well. The baby would cry then throw up and once she was done throwing up she would look as bright as a button with a big grin on her little face. Her parents on the other hand were horrified and looked around to see if anyone was looking at them. I smiled at them to let them know I had no problem with the little girl throwing up having been there before with my children.

I thought back to the flight when I was four months pregnant with our daughter when we flying back to Bermuda in the worst turbulence I have ever experienced. Thinking of how our son threw up everywhere each time the airplane dropped. The throw up bag proving not to be enough. How with each drop in the airplane he seem to projectile vomit. The smell awful. His clothes ruined as were mine. And I did not have a change of clothes for him. I remember the feelings of frustration and embarrassment I felt. The panic rushing through me. The desire for that flight to end as quickly as possible.

So I could relate totally to the husband and wife panicking about their daughters’ welfare and at the same time feeling angst about everyone else around them.

Then behind us was another little girl who started screaming as we were approaching the landing because her ears were hurting her. Bringing back memories of when our son used to experience the same pain and discomfort. And how I was like the mother behind panicking about whether I was upsetting anyone. Trying my best to shush our son so he would stop crying.

We asked our son if he remembered the pain he used to experience and if he still had the pain. He said he remembers it and sometimes his ears still hurt but now he can stop the pain before it gets bad. And then our daughter looked at me. Her eyes wide. Telling me her ears were hurting. As if she was experiencing sympathetic pain with the little ones.  She unlike the others was old enough to understand and find a remedy for her pain.

As I looked at the two new mothers struggling with their children, I thought about how quickly time has gone by. How my children are so self sufficient now and how they are capable of explaining their pain. And in most instances they can take care of themselves.

I thought about those mother panicking and wanted to tell them the time their children were babies will become such a blur and them crying in public will be forgotten about so quickly that they should not worry about upsetting anyone else. But I didn’t. Instead I smiled a compassionate smile at them so they could know I was okay with their children crying and throwing up. After all I had been in their shoes in what seems like just yesterday.

And then the flight was over and both the little girls and my big girl were fine. Pain gone. Discomfort gone and we all got off the flight and went our separate ways but not without the memory of last night playing on my mind. Reminding me how quickly life is flying by. Too quickly to sweat the small stuff. Too quickly to waste time worrying about what others may say or do.

Looking at my 14 year old and 10 year old strutting through the airport with their own luggage. Reminding me how precious our children are and how limited our time is with them for those infant years before they become independent as are mine today.                      

The joy of gadgets

Gadgets. So many new gadgets out now that it is hard to keep up. I just purchased myself the Samsung tablet because I am trying to minimise the weight of stuff I have to carry when travelling. Also I want to be portable and to be able to write from anywhere at any time. Particularly now that I have Mysty in my life I seem to be spending more time outside enjoying nature and her. And sometimes I feel inspired to write just being in her presence and in the presence of all that is and ever will be, in the arms of nature. Reminding me that we are only a part of a much larger whole.

The problem I am finding with gadgets is I need to have the mind of a teenager or at least one that has grown up with gadgets attached to their hip. The mind of those who are not intimidated with pressing buttons on these gadgets and seeing where they take me. Not being afraid to experiment as these gadgets require us to be. Not being nervous about thinking outside the box as these new gadgets demand.

So I am grateful that I have two young people in my home who think nothing of technology. Who are not intimidated by the rapid advances technology is making. And actually they embrace it. Excited by how quickly technology is evolving so they can get to the next phase of what they are looking for that much quicker. I envy their lack of fear when it comes to technology.

And I am learning to be like them. To not be afraid that if I touch something that my system will come crashing down. To not fear the gadgets because they are new. To be grateful that technology has leaped ahead so much that I am not trying to program my system to do the simplest tasks as I had to do in the 80s with FORTRAN and Cobol.

So I am learning to step back from my fears and just apply common sense as my children do and think logically about how these gadgets work. And if logic doesn’t help me, challenge myself to think outside the box so I don’t hear my children laughing at me because I am not tech savvy. And in doing so I am learning that life is changing around me constantly and if I want to keep up with it and keep moving on, I have to allow myself outside of my comfort zone from time to time. Allow myself to taste the fear of the unknown but still keep ploughing through. And if I do, just like I am learning to master this new gadget, I too will learn the lessons I was sent here to learn.

And for my children helping to navigate me through the tech world of darkness and allowing me to embrace the new, I am truly grateful. And I actually like this new gadget too. 

Veered paths are what we need

Sometimes when we are heading down a path we so believe is right for us and the Universe veers us off on another path or shuts the door in our faces, I am learning to be grateful that it did. Even if we don’t understand the why at the time. Eventually the truth will be revealed. Eventually we will find out why life led us someplace else even if it is not where we thought we would be. Want to be.

When the Universe slams doors in our face it’s because we are not listening so we have to have the doors slammed in our faces in order to understand that doorway was never meant for us.

A while back I was feeling a bit rejected by life. A bit rejected by what I thought I was meant to be doing. Feeling like everyone else was getting a better break than I was. Watched people get things I thought I was deserving off and now I am seeing these people crumbing all round me because they pushed through doors they were never supposed to push through. They didn’t heed the warning signs and instead barreled through until they got what they wanted. Got what they thought they deserved at the expense of others including themselves.

I am learning that whenever I get the feeling that something is not right. Whenever my sixth sense kicks in. My intuition prickles my spine that I need to listen. Take heed. Be prepared to adjust my path until those feelings of foreboding go away. I am learning not to second guess when the Universe is prodding me to go another way. To listen. To stop. To adjust. So that I don’t end up with a lesson so harsh and abrupt I feel like I am crumbling.

And what I am learning most of all is that my life is mine and I alone have to live it. Veered paths and all. With gratitude for this truly humbling lesson that life always takes us where we are meant to learn the lessons we were sent here to learn. Always. And what I know for sure is it is up to us to determine how harsh that lesson will be by the paths we take.

I have learned not to compare myself with anyone else. As I know no one lives a perfect life and no one has an easier road than others unless we are fighting against the path we asked to come here to explore.  Giving me the strength to accept those veered paths and to have the patience to see why I am where I am because eventually the truth is always revealed. And the fog gives way to the light. Namaste

A Blue Screen Yields an Unexpected Lesson

This morning I was in the middle of a beautiful meditation. One of those meditations that takes you to a place full of love and light and surrender. To the place where you feel like you are a part of everything and are in the flow with everything. I was feeling really good. Grateful and appreciative. Just about to get really smug with myself when my computer starting to make a strange noise. The music I was meditating with starting to stick. And then it just shut off. Abruptly. Just like that.

I felt deprived. Angry. Disappointed. And wondered why in the world that happened just when I was getting in the flow. Just when I was surrendering. Just when I could feel my body relaxing and my mind getting in sync with my relaxed body. My nerves instantly were jarred as I was yanked out of my serene state back to the real world. What was the Universe trying to tell me? Why was I suddenly on edge when I had been on the edge of total and utter surrender?

And when I looked outside I saw the morning had changed from a cloudless morning to a cloudy morning. The light was murky. Not clean as it was looking like it would be when I went into my meditation. The wind was picking up. The whole atmosphere outside had changed from the one I woke up to before my meditation.

And it was the clues from nature that taught me the lesson I was meant to learn. We cannot rely on outside sources to bring us to a state of surrender. We cannot rely on other things to help us to go to that place of inner peace. Because just like my computer had a blue screen and died in the middle of my state of utopia, that’s what life does to us sometimes.

Just like the weather outside had changed and gone all hazy and breezy from the promising beautiful still morning, that’s what life does to us sometimes. In order to keep up with change and to be accepting of it, we must be able to go to that place of peace, love and light within us on our own accord because sometimes we may find ourselves in situations and places we never expected. And in order to know peace, we have to be peace. In order to know love, we have to be love. In order to surrender, we have to free our minds to know and accept that life will sometimes take us where we did not think we would ever go.

And when we have the patience and go with the flow we will find we are exactly where we need to be not where we thought we should be. As I found this morning, once I let go of the disappointment I felt with my blue screen, my computer restarted and I got the lesson I was meant to get. And then just like that the rain started to pour down outside. Giving my grass the much needed water it needed to continue to grow and thrive. The tree frogs began to sing at the top of their lungs. The outside looking dewy and glittery from the raindrops. Changing the morning from one of heaviness to one of freshness and abundance.

Teaching me that it is in the unexpected that we learn the most about who we are and what we can tolerate. And when we learn to surrender and go with the flow, we will be showered with the abundance of the Universe. And for my unexpected lesson and the rain, I am truly grateful.

Lured by the magic of the full moon

Did anyone see that moon last night? Its light so bright it felt like the sun. Casting its beams through my windows. Making the night seem like the day.

I am always restless on a full moon. Always between sleep and awake. In that place of in between. Lured by the magic of the moon. And for some reason this year, the moon has been more present in my life. I seem more drawn to it than ever. Its effect on me that much more alluring and endearing. For reasons I do not understand.

But the moon this year seems much more powerful to me than ever before. I notice it more. Feel it more. Am mesmerized by it more. To me there are so many more light nights than there are dark nights. So many more nights when the moon is present than it is hidden. Does any one else feel this way about the moon this year?

Last night I got up because I could not go through the night without looking directly at the moon. Almost as if it was beckoning me to see it. To look at it. To take it in. So I gave in at 3.24. I got up and walked to my bathroom and lifted the shade and there before me. Right above me was the brightest full moon I have ever seen. It was so bright I almost felt blinded by its light. Felt completely enraptured by its presence. Surprised by its immediacy. Embraced by its light.

I almost felt like the moon could fall out of the sky and roll along the grass. It was so perfectly round. Almost like the belly of a pregnant woman. A golden ball of fire. I wanted to reach out and touch it. Hug it. But instead I dropped the shade and inhaled deeply. Taking in the light of the moon and all of its promise. All of its presence. All of its magic. Feeling like I had experienced something supernatural. Something special. An exchange meant just for me.

I walked back to my bed with the light of the moon shining through my shaded windows. Lighting my path so I could see my way back to bed.  Almost as if it was letting me know, telling me, no amount of shade could obscure its light. Nothing was going to separate its light from me.

And then I fell asleep with the light of the moon filling me with hope, peace, prayer and abundance. Reverence and awe of all that is, was and ever be. Feeling grateful for the experience of the big, brilliant full moon. Grateful for following the call of the magic of the moon. Namaste.

A Pure Moment

Yesterday morning I stood at my kitchen window looking over my garden. Watching bluebirds as blue as could be flying across the yard. Singing to each other. Their music sweet to my ears. Watching catbirds hopping around the yard as silent as can be but as elegant and as graceful as a cat. Watching a proud red bird perched atop a tall tree chirping as loud as he could. Looking g as majestic as a king. I stood and watched and listened. Not moving. Just taking in nature. Just breathing in life. Just being.

Looking at the expanse of freshly cut green grass. The trees and the flowers looking as perfect as can be. As perfect as nature can be. As they should. Everything in place. Blooming side by side. Birds chattering and I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Gratitude for the blessings that have come into my life. Gratitude for all that I am and am becoming. Gratitude for standing in my kitchen without feeling the need to be anywhere else but where I was.

I wanted to embrace the world as I felt everything is as it should be. Everything is unfolding as we have asked for it to unfold. That everything and everyone has a place in our society whether we like what they are doing or not. Each one of us is here to teach each other something. Sometimes to hurt us and other times to grow us.  Some to remain and some to go. But each of us has a purpose on this earth.

I stood at the window allowing the feelings of gratitude and of peace flow through me. Allowing that moment of being connected to the One Source. Of understanding the flow of the Universe. Of connecting with the flow of the Universe and knew without a doubt that I was being sent a direct message from the Universe. Blessing me for stopping. For seeing. For hearing. For feeling all that is here all the time. All that goes on without us noticing. Without us hearing. Without us seeing. Without us feeling.

And as I understood, a blue bird as perfect a colour blue as only an artist’s eye can capture landed on the jacaranda tree and sat. The two of us connecting without words but knowing we are of the One Source. Knowing we share this place together. Knowing we are truly blessed. And then he flew away and our moment was done. My moment was done.  Not without me inhaling that pure feeling of understanding. That pure feeling of love. Of bliss. Of absolute gratitude. And for that moment I am truly grateful.

When people judge us

 “If some one isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should leave their lives, but none about his or her own.” Paul Coelho,  The Alchemist.

I love this quote because it reminds me when people judge us, they are really judging themselves. No one can know us in the way we know ourselves. So for some else to say who we are or who we are not is based on their viewpoint of themselves.

When people try to blame other people for things that happen in their lives, they are deflecting the attention away from the real reason they made the decision in the first place. No one can make us do anything except ourselves. No one can stop us from doing anything except ourselves. Sure people can put obstacles in the way of us achieving what we want but ultimately the decision is ours to not do what we want to do. It is never anyone else’s fault but our own.

We are all capable people who can when we are strong enough change direction in our lives, blossom and succeed but sometimes we want to become victims because we falsely believe it will protect us from being truly revealed. Protect us from “failing”. Protect us from being judged. We falsely believe when we become victims everyone will feel sorry for us and lower their expectations of us. And in some cases people will but the ones that do are the ones who want us to remain as victims so we can stay in our place and not challenge them.

And for those who like to play the victim, what they find is their lives never progress to the extent they thought their lives would. They remain on the sidelines jeering at those who make it to the centre stage. Then they try to pull down the ones who are brave enough to put themselves on the centre stage by becoming the passive aggressor. The ones who try to make the person who is succeeding believe they held the victim down.

They start to judge more than anything to justify their stagnant position. And when that happens what we have to do is move away from those who judge with love and surround ourselves with those who are truly rooting for us. Those who are truly in our lives because they believe in us not because they want to be in our space because we have made it to the centre stage.

Judging others is us revealing our innermost scars. Our judgments have no bearing on the lives of others except creating bad karma for ourselves. When people judge us, they are really judging themselves and likewise is true of us, when we judge others, we are judging ourselves. Revealing our deepest insecurities to the world.

So next time we judge someone, think about who are we really judging? And why?  The answers may help us to learn more about who we are and why we are….Only then will be able to free ourselves from the trap of not living our lives authentically because we will accept full responsibility for who we are and why we are.  Without judgment or blame. We are the creators and destroyers of our dreams. No one else.

Learning to love ourselves is the greatest love of all

When we learn to take responsibility for our own lives rather than blaming everyone else for where we are, only then will life open up for us. Only then will people remain in our lives because then we won’t be such a burden to them. Instead we will be able to help each other to grow and to learn. But when we are constantly blaming others for decisions we have made, we never learn the lessons we came here to learn and we find we are constantly facing the same challenges over and over again.

Learning about who we are on an intimate basis can sometimes be very difficult because it means having to deal with childhood issues we did not even know were there. And if we become parents we transfer those unresolved issues onto our children. Not intentionally but sometimes we do so to validate where we are in our lives. Causing our children to take on scars that are not their own.

Minding our own business rather than minding the business of others is very hard to do as well because when we mind our own business we have to be able to look the image in the eye that is staring back at us in the mirror and truly accept her for who she is. Who he is. Who we are. Some people can’t do that. Instead what they see looking back at them fills them with such pain that they go out and cause pain to others in order to justify their own pain.

In doing so they attract more pain into their lives because they do not know how to love and accept themselves. What I have learned over the years is in order for me to receive love, I have to be love. Embrace love. And be willing to walk away from those who do not know love. When I say this I am not talking about external love, I am talking about deep down internal love. Love of self first.

Taking responsibility for our own lives. Minding our own business. Learning about who we intimately are. Being able to face ourselves, our inner most selves in the mirror. These traits only come when we truly and honestly love ourselves for who we are. When we face our internal demons. When we accept ourselves only then can we truly accept others for who they are without trying to make them change to what and who we want them to be. Only then can we decide who should remain in our hearts but not in our lives. Or who needs to remain both in our hearts and in our lives.

Our lives are the way they are. Our loves are who they are. Our circle is who it is because of who we are ultimately and the energy we project. We get what we give out. And if we want more positive in our lives, we must learn to love ourselves first. And once we do, life will open for us in ways we only imagined. Learning to love ourselves is the greatest love of all because it is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves and to the world. It allows us to stop blaming while opening us u[p to take responsibility fo who we are, the decisions we make and who remains in our lives.  Namaste.

Trayvon Martin could be my son

Trayvon Martin could be my son.

I have resisted writing about his story because it has been beaten to death. No pun intended. Everyone has an angle on how he died or why he died. Everyone believes they know what happened but the only two people who will ever know what truly happened on that rainy night are Trayvon and George Zimmerman. George Zimmerman lived to tell the story. His story. Unfortunately Trayvon did not.

Every time I think of the confrontation that happened I get sick to my stomach. Trayvon Martin could be my son. I think of my son walking through a strange neighbourhood drinking an Arizona Ice Tea with a bag of skittles. Minding his own business and trying to get home. I think of how scared he would have been to have someone following him. Someone trailing him particularly when he was not of that neighbourhood and did not know the people there.

I think of the mind of a teenager and what could be going through his mind at the time. Fight or flee. Stand my ground or get out of dodge. I think of Trayvon Martin and all I can think about is the fact that he could be my son. I feel the pain of his mother and his father. The pain of the pain of losing a child in a senseless way. The only people knowing the truth of what happened that night - Trayvon and George.  One dead and one alive. Two strangers destined to share a fate only the Universe understands.

I think about how scared my son would be if someone drew a gun on him. I question if he saw the gun would he fight for his life or would accept fate for what it is? I wonder if Trayvon died trying to live? I wonder why his story has made national and international headlines when people are killed each and every day. Why is Trayvon so special that he has created such sensation in his death?

And then I saw a clip by Pastor TD Jakes that explained a why that made sense to me. According to TD Jakes, sometimes the Creator chooses people to become a catalyst for change. He said every so often God uses someone else’s pain to galvanise us to help to recognize what matters and what is important.

In other words, sometimes a person ‘s death becomes synonymous of the society we live in and he becomes the martyr for the rest of us to understand just how precious life is. Just how much we are all the same. How we all hurt the same. Feel pain the same. How senseless it is that we judge each other by our outward appearances when we are all the same inside.

Making me think of when Trayvon fell to the ground his red blood spilled out of him as did the red blood coming out of the back of George Zimmerman’s head. There was no difference between the blood spilled by Trayvon and the blood spilled by George Zimmerman. Blood is blood whether it comes from a black man, white woman, Asian child or Native American.

Yet one was killed because he looked different from the people that lived in the neighbourhood and some believe one was freed because he looked like the people that lived in the neighbourhood. When will we learn that we are all the same and it matters not what we look like, how well educated we are, where we live, or  how wealthy we are. Those things matter not because they are only temporary as are our physical forms.

Trayvon may have been tried by the human judicial system flawed by our human imperfections, prejudiceness and fear. But he will forevermore go down in history as the young man who got people thinking about how we view others. Got people thinking about whether gun laws need to be changed. Got people thinking about the way the judicial system works or does not work. He has been given wings to be greater than George Zimmerman who will go through the rest of his life carrying the burden of what really happened that night.

Trayvon was chosen to be the light in the darkness for the rest of us. To help us to see just how one action can lead to an irreversible outcome  when we fail to take the time to understand where we are and what we are. Trayvon is the hero in his story. The story he did not get to tell us physically but the story he chose to come here for us to finish in his honour. To stop judging and blaming and to start accepting and loving.

RIP Trayvon Martin. You have earned your wings. You could be my son. And I will honour you for what you left behind for all of us. The legacy of a young man struck down in his prime because of fear. Reminding me always in the absence of fear there is only love… Namaste.

People are just people

People are just people.

The other night I had the privilege of being at a dinner table with people from diverse backgrounds. From different parts of the world brought together to help to understand human kind and what makes us tick. How we can right some of the wrongs in our society not from a top down, superior perspective but from a place of understanding and peace.

The dinner was very conciliatory. Each one of us polite but at the same time trying to break through the veneers we sometimes put up to protect ourselves from people knowing our real story. From people seeing the real us. One thing that has always been true about me is what you see is what you get.

I am the same person I was when I was a young girl to the person I am today and because I am that way I attract people into my life who tell me their real stories. The stories usually hidden from everyone else. The stories many want to forget but need to talk about because they are carrying the burden of their real selves with them.  The reason they feel safe with me is because  I tell my story over and over again because I realise in doing so it opens me to other people’s stories.

Opens me to be able to hear their stories and to understand though our backgrounds may differ, our stories carry a common theme.  A common thread. That our experiences are not unique. They are often quite common. They just happen to different people in different parts of the world at different times in their lives. And we survive, thrive or stagnate based on how we react to our experiences.

I know each person comes into our lives to help us to remember the whys and what fors of our stories. To help us to understand more about who we are and who we are not. Because what we discover when we tell our story and listen to the stories of others is people are just people no matter where they come from. No matter how wealthy they are. No matter how influential they are. At the end of the day, we are all born of a mother and father. We all learned to walk and talk. We all learned to go to the bathroom in a civilised manner. We are all growing and exploring and becoming closer to who we asked to be when we came here.

 I listened the other night to stories about people who have been in far off places and despite their varied and privileged experiences in life, beneath it all, they are just like me. As I am just like them. Spiritual beings having a human experience. Sharing the same desires and feelings to be acknowledged, validated and loved. To matter.

Because at the end of the day, as one of my fellow dinner companions and I discussed, people are just people and it doesn't matter where we come from or what we do. We are all people experiencing this journey called life. We come here the same way through being birthed into this world taking our first breath of life when we are awakened by our new human form. And we all go out – though the circumstances may differ as to the how, the result is always the same - taking our last breath of life before we go back to our spiritual form.

Spiritual beings having a human experience. Human beings having a spiritual experience. People just being people. Telling our stories. Opening ourselves to other peoples’ stories. Enabling me to see we are more interconnected and  interrelated than we think.Because we are as we are.

Loving myself at 50

I am facing a period of immense growth and shedding in my life. A period where I am grateful to have reached 50 years old and realizing with great clarity that I do not need to carry excess baggage with me that no longer serves me. Life is really short.

When I look at myself in the mirror I still see the young girl who wanted to be accepted and validated and cried out to be all things to all people. But what I am also seeing is the mature woman who has been round the block a few times. Who has seen people come and go. Who has made decisions and mistakes along the way that have led me to where I am today.

And what I also know is that no matter how much people try to bully me into being someone who I am not. People who think they can guilt me into being someone they want, those days are done. I am who I am. I am not asking anyone to remain in my life. I am not trying to be anything to anyone except who I am.

For those of us who have crossed the 50 mark, what we realize is that life is quickly ticking along for us and what we need and want in our lives are people and events that add to our experience rather than take from it. What we also know is we are who we are and at 50 we are not changing for anyone. We become more cemented in who we are. And we do not have the desire to acquiesce to everyone else’s demands.

Life truly does begin at 50. It has launched me into embracing my authentic self more than ever before and it is because I know I was sent here to be me.  To teach and learn. To take responsibility for me. For all the decisions I make. The mistakes I make because at this age what I am learning is each mistake is actually the Universe nudging me to move in another direction and the only way it could show me was for me to tumble. So I accept mistakes now as game changers. As nudges from the Universe to alter my path. To be authentically me.

I am loving every minute of being 50 because I am finally brave enough to be who I am. And as my quote of the day reminds me, “Loving myself gives me the extra energy to work through any problem more quickly. My life is a labour of love.” And I am so glad that 50 has given me the confidence to be who I am even more than I ever could be in the past.

Taking time out for love

Lately my husband and I have been moving in different directions. Me trying to do all that I need do as a wife, mother and working woman. He trying to do all he needs to do as a husband, father and working man. A new dynamic for our family since we had children some 14 years ago. At least one of us was at home with our children up until recently. And now we are both out of the house working. Juggling schedules. Trying to keep up with our demanding schedules while trying to keep our family unit together.

And sometimes that can be difficult. Challenging to adjust to a new normal. To our children needing us in different ways to the way they did when they were younger. To us trying to carve out time for each other and I have to admit I was feeling a bit unloved and unappreciated as we have been moving so far apart from each other. And I was starting to grumble under my breath about it rather than expressing the way I was feeling. And I did not want to start a fight about it by accusing my husband of not being in my space in the way I wanted him to be. Needed him to be. So I meditated it on and let the Universe answer me and guide me on how to bring us back on the same page.

So after coming out of my meditation, my husband walked by me. And this time instead of watching him walk by me and feeling rejected by his lack of attention, I asked him to hug me.  And he did. My heart swelling with love so I told him how much I missed his hugs. How much I missed us being in  the same space. Us being in love with each other rather than just loving each other. And he hugged me that much tighter. Pulling me closer to him. Closing the physical as well as mental gap that had been growing between us. Breaking down the invisible barrier that had been growing between us. I could feel his love oozing back into me as my love oozed back into him.

And then the Universe opened us to each other that much more by allowing us to spend a magical evening and night together on our porch. Just the two of us. Our children off at the neighbours’ house swimming in the pool while we sat under the star filled sky as sheet lightening or as my mother used to call them, heart flashes lit up the night sky. The quarter moon sitting perfectly in the sky. Leonard Cohen growling in the background. Followed by Barbara Streisand. Then Michael Jackson. David Bowie. Lightning Hopkins. Cecilia. And ending with us dancing to Beyonce singing 1+1. Bringing us that much closer.

Holding each other. Teaching me that sometimes we just need to remember to appreciate each other as husband and wife. Boyfriend and girlfriend. As lovers, friends , spouses. Remember not to take each other for granted. Tell each other how much we care, love and miss each other just so we can bring back the romance that slips so easily away.

Twenty three years later my husband and I still can find our way back to each other when we remember to take the time to be in each other’s space. To meet halfway. Remembering when we can why we came together in the first place. Remembering  sometimes we are up and sometimes we are down but when we remember to be with each other. Truly with each other, there is nothing greater than the love of the familiar. The seasoned love that asks for nothing in return but to be loved.

A perfect weekend together with my husband with love under the star filled sky with a perfect crescent moon shining down on us. Beyonce reminding us , we ain't got nothing but love...

A lesson about freedom from our pet rabbit Mysty

We have this beautiful little rabbit called Mysty. My daughter chose her name because she is grey and the day we brought her home was a grey and misty day. At first she was going to be called Smokey but my daughter didn't feel the name suited her so she sat with her on the porch and watched her play until she heard her name and felt it come through and the name that resonated with her the most was Mysty.

When we adopted Mysty from the SPCA we did not know much about her and neither did they except for the fact that she was house born because of how tame she is. And never having had a rabbit before we did not know what to expect. She was tiny with the biggest ears we have ever seen. Mysty came home with us on May 27 and we thought she was going to be a dwarf rabbit. Boy were we wrong. Here it is less than two months later and Mysty has doubled in size and she is a voracious eater. She still loves to be petted and cuddled despite how large she is.

When we got her, we initially had her in a lovely hutch on our porch but if anyone has ever had a rabbit they will know rabbits are messy creatures. They poop every second and their urine is very strong. So we decided to convert the playhouse my husband had built for our daughter when she was five to Mysty’s house because our daughter no longer plays in the playhouse. We also decided to move here there because we felt she was getting too big to be confined to her hutch.

Now the hutch resides in the playhouse wither her so she could have a touchstone for when she first came to us. Her house is spacious enough that she can hop around and she has a ramp so she can hop on top of her hitch and look out the window at the world outside.

We thought that would be enough for her. But I made the mistake of letting her hop on the grass under my supervision and ever since then she has wanted to hop freely and hence her desire to escape from my arms whenever she can. Having me, my daughter, my neighbours and my husband chasing after her to get her back to her house.

And each time she escapes and tastes freedom, the more she wants to do it. And each time she does, I feel a pang in my heart because I know deep down inside all Mysty wants is to be free. To roam. To forage. To be a true rabbit as is coded in her DNA. Not a house pet who is confined to a house – even is if it is large enough for her to hop as freely as she wants.

And what I realize is that when rabbits taste freedom, when humans taste freedom, when anything tastes freedom and can see what is there on the outside once it has been set free, it is very difficult to corral us again. Very difficult to contain us again. Very difficult to ask us to go back to the way things were because it is never possible. We can never go back in life to the way things were particularly after we have seen what is available to us in the big wide world. Particularly when we know what used to be was confining to us rather than allowing us to be who and what we are meant to be.

Mysty has tasted freedom and on occasion escapes because she want to see the big wide world that is out there. The call of nature in which her ancestors roamed free. She has taught me that when we are shown how much more life has to offer, when we are shown the true nature of people, when we are given the gift of wings from a relationship in whatever form, it is for us to decide whether we can live with the past or whether we have grown too much to be confined and constrained by the desires of others.

When we stop being busy

How did life becomes so busy that we don’t have time to sit and look at the trees

How did life become so overwhelming that we don’t have time to stop and listen to the sound of nature

How did life become so busy that we don’t have time to listen to our inner most selves

Why are we allowing ourselves to become so busy that we are too busy being busy that we miss out on life’s little surprises and treasures that present themselves every single day

Why do we feel guilty being idle?

When it is the idle mind that allows creativity and detours to manifest

When it is the idle mind that allows us to rest and rejuvenate

Not the busy mind that tricks us into believing that we have to be busy in order to impress

Why do we spend so much of our time trying to impress others when the only person we need to impress is ourselves?

And by being so busy trying to be everything to everyone else we end up being nothing to ourselves

We have to learn to stop

To be idle without guilt

To allow ourselves to decompress

To reassess where we are in our lives

And ask ourselves the questions

What would we be doing if we had the chance?

What would make our hearts rejoice and our souls sing the most?

What would we be doing if we were truly free to be the person that so desperately wants to emerge from behind the façade?

Is that why we keep ourselves so busy

So that we won’t have time to listen to our inner most selves

So we won’t have time to come face to face with our essence selves

With whom we really are on the inside?

Being busy may shut out the noise of our essence selves for a time

But there will come a time when that decision is taken away from us

When if we don’t stop and listen

If we don’t take heed

Our inner most desires being cut off will manifest in ways not pleasant

Because our bodies will begin to take on the feelings of unrest of our minds and spirits

Forcing us to stop by making us ill

Sick, full of disease physically and sometimes mentally too

That is why it is so important for us to be idle sometimes

To just be

To stop

Without guilt

Without excuses

Without explanation

So we can listen to our inner most selves

Allowing us to manifest our deepest desires

And follow our own yellow brick roads home

Because we always have the answer to who we are

And what we are

When we stop and listen

When we stop being busy for the sake of being busy

Facing my fear of the dentist

Yesterday I faced one of my greatest fears and got through it better than I thought I would. I had a filling done by the dentist. I have always hated the dentist because of a horrible experience I had  as a young girl going to the clinic and having my mouth totally brutalized by the dentists of days gone by.

However I am now at a new dentist with very modern offices, equipment and ultra friendly staff. Hip staff as my children like to think. So I decided now is the time to start getting my teeth corrected. All day yesterday I was worried about getting fillings done but decided if I could birth a child and get through that pain, I could get through anything. Everything else pales in comparison was my mantra.

Despite this positive thinking, by the time I sat in the dentist chair, I had worked myself up into such a frenzy, my whole body was damp from sweat. Not from perspiration as we women like to say but cold, hard  sweat from fear. I instructed the dentist to spare me the details of what they were going to do to me. I really did not need to know. I told him I was just going to close my eyes and they could tell me when it was all done. And that’s what I did. I closed my eyes. With the perk of having a vibrating chair I allowed myself to totally surrender to the moment.

Willing myself to go to a place deep within where I felt safe and where nothing that was happening to me could hurt me. And soon I was there. Off in that place. Listening to the drilling noises, feeling the tugging and yanking. As if they were happening to another person. Not me. My spiritual body leaving my physical body allowing me to completely detach from what my physical body was experiencing.

And during this process what I realised is that we are very resilient beings. Very powerful beings when we want to be as we are capable of detaching ourselves from any situation when we are ready. We are capable of shifting into meditative states allowing our minds to rise above any situation when we totally surrender. When we allow our inner being to take over. Mind over matter is a very powerful thing.

And when we do what we learn, as I did yesterday, is the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. When we allow ourselves to surrender to whatever situation we find ourselves in, facing it and moving beyond it, we will find we have come out on the other side with nothing so bad we were incapable of handling.

Allowing me to fully accept and get the wonderful quote written by Frank Herbert in one of my favourite books, Dune, "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
--- Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

And for my experience of facing my fear and moving beyond it at the dentist yesterday, I am truly grateful.

Writing my way to myself

Some mornings when I wake up, I have so many thoughts rushing through my head that I don’t know where to start. So many obligations that I feel overwhelmed. So many people wanting something from me or wanting to be in my space that I don’t know where to turn.

Some mornings, as in this morning,  I feel like I am being pulled in so many different directions that I feel the need to just stop. To stand still. To breathe. To not think. To just be. So this morning I took my time. Forgetting about the deadlines. The demands. The requests. And sat at my computer and let the words from inside come outside so I could understand what I am meant to be dong. So I could allow the Infinite Source inside me come to the forefront and direct me.

Just let the words flow I was told. Just let it go I heard. Just do it I could feel. Don’t worry too much about what comes next. Just do what feels right to you. Don’t worry if you can’t meet every obligation. Every deadline. The ones you do met are the ones meant for you and the ones you don’t are not meant for you at this time.

Take your time and do the best you can with what you have. Life is very short. Particularly in the human form. So try to take some time to enjoy the simplicities of life. The things that happen every day and go unnoticed. The sun rising in the morning. The bluebird singing its song because it has a beautiful song. Darkness turning to light.

Don’t worry about people who will try to make you feel bad or try to take your light away from you. They are really hurting themselves and need to hurt others because they think it will make them more superior. When superiority really does not exist for any long period. Because each person has her day in the sun. Each one gets to experience being the superior and the inferior until they realize life is really a balance. An equalizer. One day one is on top. The next on the bottom. Yin and Yang. Up and Down.

Remember always that you can’t be everything to everyone. You have to be everything to yourself before you can be anything to anyone else. Remember it is your life to live and you have to live it from your gut. From your base instincts. Only then will you feel content in who you are. To say no when you need to. Yes when it feels right not because you feel obligated to do so.  Allowing you to live an authentic life. Not a contrived one.

And then I exhaled after letting the words of my inside come to the outside because I knew I was being sent a message. The message to live my life for me so I can be the best person I am meant to be.  Authentically me. Contributing to my family and community in the best way I can. The most effective way I can.

I let the words sink in. Sitting in silence for quite some time. Just observing.  Until I felt the tension oozing out of me. The confusion easing away. The feeling of being overwhelmed replaced with the feeling of it is what it is and I can only do as much as I am meant to.

And then I looked up and out and saw the morning light had come through replacing the dawn light. Everything was clearly visible. No longer obscured by the dark anymore. Showing me that when I am ready the light is always there to guide me. Always ready to help me to live as authentic a life as I am meant to.

And then I was led to my inspiration of the day which stated, "The very act of writing releases unbalanced energies and lets them flow out of our bodies, where they blossom into fireflies as they hit the atmosphere." A tingling sensation flowing through my whole being with the knowledge the Universe was answering me by letting me see this passage. Letting me know I got it and I am blessed to use writing as an outlet. As a means to finding my balance and giving myself wings. because I am able to write my way to my self. And for this gift and this message I am truly grateful. Namaste.

There comes a time

There comes a time in all of our lives when we are given the choice to either step out of life’s mediocrity or to become mired in it.

There comes a time when we have to take a stand rather than be stood upon. No matter how many people try to persecute us and nail us to the cross so that everyone can throw mud at us. The consequences of standing outside of the fray are much greater than when we join it.

There comes a time in our lives when we are asked to help to move our community forward. To give back some of what we have gained. To make a way for the next generation to have what we had.

And of course it is in our best interest to do so and we should not be ashamed to say it is. To admit it is. For when we act from a place of integrity and good faith.  When our deeds go to serve the wider interest of all in our community, our intent will always be pure and that’s when the darkness comes to try to silence us. To keep us from bringing the change in energy necessary to heal.

But those of us who are light seekers recognize we cannot always sit back and let the world pass us by. While complaining that things have to get better. Because they won’t unless we have the nerve to stand up to those who have ulterior motives. To those who do not want the world to be balanced because in doing so they lose their power.

There is an uprising going on in the world. In our world. Globally. Where people who had nothing are clamoring at the door of those who have always had and hid it from them. They are hungry. Hungry for the truth. And they are no longer satisfied to be held in the dark.

They now have the power to research whatever they want. To find what they need. Through the power of the internet. The internet has become the great equalizer. Allowing those even in the farthest corners of the world to be connected with those who can give them the answers. With those who will spread the truth as well as falsities. With those who are on a mission to equalize as much as they can. As well as with those who want to keep the truth hidden.To keep the world in chaos.

So it is up to the light seekers to be stronger than the darkness. To be in the forefront now more than ever to ensure the dark does not control the uprising and it goes in way that is irreparable.

I am one of those people who is seeking the greater truth. The greater answers. The answers that will allow the world to grow into a better and more balanced way for myself and more importantly for my children and for their generation.

Why should they have less than what I had because there were those who walked before me and are walking beside me that want to keep it all for themselves. Who do not want to share for the greater good.

So I am not complaining anymore. I am doing something about it. I am stepping out of life’s mediocrity. No longer sitting on the sidelines and complaining. But taking action and helping to right the wrong as much as I humanly can with the support of those who are seeking a more balanced way of living. A more sustainable way of living.

Because there comes a time in all of our lives when we have to stand up rather than being stood upon.  When we have to rise above the darkness and shine our light as brightly as we can. Now is the time.

Our children are who they are

Last night while we were having a family dinner out, my daughter asked my husband and I if we try to live our lives through them?

“You mean do we live vicariously through you?” my husband asked.

“What does that mean?” she responded.

“Living our lives through you as you asked,” he answered.

“Yes,” she said.

And after we chatted about life and how fortunate they are to have parents that allow them to explore who they are without the influence of outside people telling us who they should be. Or drawing ideas about what our children should be based on another child’s life; I started really thinking about how important it is for us as parents to allow our children to live their lives. To make mistakes. To go down paths that may not be the paths we would have chosen for them. But paths they feel they need to explore.

As parents we have to be careful about taking over our children’s lives. Taking their identities from them and trying to make them into our own. We have to be careful to let our children be who they are meant to be. Want to be.  Destined to be. Because though they come through us. They are not us. We are the vessels through which they come to this planet. But from the moment they are born, they begin their walk independently from us. And we cannot and should not try to hamper them from becoming who they are. Because they already are.

I can see the importance of allowing my children to develop as individuals just by looking at them and listening to them. I have two very different children. Polar opposites actually. One that loves the limelight. The other who prefers to be behind the scenes. One who is totally creative, outgoing and artsy. Another who is reserved, scientifically minded and very logical. But yet they both came through me. Genes from my husband and me.  Yet they are so different from each other. Demonstrating just how much of an individual each one of us is including my children so why would I want to make them the same? Why would I want them to go down the same path when I see they are very different?

I look at my children and though sometimes I would like for them to take slightly different paths from the ones they seem to be going down, I know I am there only to guide them. Not coerce them. I am there to be an active participant in their lives. To hear their concerns. To help them to reach their own conclusions but I am not there to direct them. Sometimes finding the balance is so hard because we all want our children to have better experiences than we had.

We want them to be the best they can be. But what we have to remember is being the best they can be is not always what we consider to be the best.  To bear in mind that no matter what we do or what plans we have for them, they will always be who they are. And if we ride them too much to be something they are not, they will either crack, rebel or never speak to us again.

That’s why it is so important to spend time with our children. To get to know them and understand them as much as we can. And in doing so, we can be their best advocates for the lives they are meant to lead not the lives we want them to lead. And remembering always our children cannot be something they are not. They cannot be as creative as their friend. As athletic as their friend. As intelligent as their friend. As funny as their friend. The life and soul of the party as their friend. They can only be who they are.

And when we remember our children are who they are and allow them to be who they are, that’s when we give them the wings to fly as high and as far as they are meant to. Because then we understand our children are here to teach us, just as we are them, each one of us has an individual path here in this life and sometimes those paths intersect. And when they intersect as parent and child, that intersection is key to the growth of all of us.

Sometimes in life we are called

Sometimes in life we are called to do something great. Something more than we anticipated even though deep down inside we know we have been preparing for it for a long time. Nudges here and there putting us on the track we are meant to be on. Doors open we least expect. Allowing us to enter into the realm of our true potential.

At first it seems murky, grey and confusing. And often at this stage we are nervous. Questioning whether we can fulfill the tasks we have been called to do. And sometimes we talk ourselves out of what we are meant to do. So we stop and run away. But when we are called, the call returns. Until we answer the call.

The right people turn up in the right places. People we always wanted to work with. Be in the company of suddenly appear on our doorsteps without even being consciously called by us. Forcing us to realize with each intention we send out into the Universe, the stage is being set. The performers are being drawn to us to help us to build and act out on the stage we are meant to act out on.

And then when all the cast is assembled, it is up to us to keep going despite the naysayers. Despite the people who do their best to threaten our best intentions. Because what we have to learn is when we are closest to the prize, the sabotagers appear. Full of dark and menacing energy. Destroyers of the game assemble to keep us down in the trenches. Second guessing ourselves. Rendering us afraid to stick our necks out above the rest. Trying to keep us complacent. Hiding where we think it's safe.

They want us to be in the middle of the chaos. To remain mediocre and not buck the system because they know if we do, their true intent will be revealed. To hoard for themselves . To keep others down. In their place. Not up where there is room to breathe. Where the sun never sets. Where there is enough for everyone to go around. No, they want us to remain in the chaos where there is deprivation, fear and lack. Because if we stay in there, we will never see life is leading each one of us to do what we came here to do. Depriving ourselves of ever knowing our strength.

So when we are called,  it means being brave enough to step up, and out of the box into the wide open space where there is no box to keep us contained. Where there are no limitations to who we are and what we are because in this space we accept we are a part of a much greater plan. A plan of unity, peace and love. A plan of abundance, faith, hope and belief. A plan where we accept we are all in this together. United we stand. Divided we fall.

And when we are being led to a greater calling, it is the Universe’s way of showing gratitude to us. Therefore we must answer that call in order to spread the divine rights of abundance, choice and faith. Because there are some of us who are being called right now by a force greater than us but is within us all to bring us back together as one.

Are you ready? I know I am ready to enter the realm of my true potential despite the naysayers, despite the scaremongering and role playing. There is nothing more powerful than authenticity, love and light. Nothing more empowering than sharing what we have with those who have not. Answering the call of the Divine Universe with gratitude, hope, love, light and the best intentions. With honour and grace. Namaste

A rare and serious disorder called PMA

Keith, the taxi driver and owner of the taxi company, really made my day yesterday morning when he drove me and my colleague to the airport.

He is a Scotsman with a wicked sense of humor. Dry, deadpan face but with a twinkle in his eye that lets you know he is not as hard as his exterior projects. He told us he suffers from a disorder called PMA.

“What is PMA?” we both asked.

“Positive Mental Attitude,” he said just as dead pan as he could. My colleague and I collapsing in laughter.

“Seriously ,” Keith said. “There aren’t very many people with this disorder. Most people walk around with the attitude the glass is half empty.  No matter how bright it may be, they just can’t see it. But on the other hand, I always feel positive about everything. A rare disorder I am proud to have.”

My colleague and I were laughing so hard we could hardly breathe. But despite his sarcasm his statement is so true. Leading us into a satirical yet philosophical conversation about the way people view life.

He told us about clients that get into his taxi sometimes insisting they sit in the front seat right next to him and no matter how hard he tries, he can’t engage them in conversation. They look straight ahead as if he is not even there. They are as hard as stones. Expressionless. Making his job that much more difficult. And the journey seem much longer than it really is.

My colleague told a story about how he permanently has a smile on his face and some people like it while others think something is wrong with him. He walks around with a smile and as most of us know smiles are infectious because deep down inside we all want a laugh. We all want something to take us out of those times when life seems too difficult or too mundane for words. When someone smiles, we instantly feel better. Warming our hearts.  But there are some who interpret a smile as an attack on their right to be miserable.

Which led Keith to say that his face is deceiving. He is always happy but somehow that feeling of happiness does not reach his face. His face is just one of those serious faces but on the inside he is always happy. Cracking us up again.

The ride to the airport flew by in what felt like seconds when in fact it took just a little over an hour. Proving to me that when we view life from its humourous side, when we stop taking ourselves too seriously, and when we allow ourselves to laugh out loud, we really can see the bright side of things. We really can enjoy life because we begin to see the humour in everything. That life really does have a bright and cheerful side when we let it in.

So if you are ever flying to Gatwick and need a taxi, I would highly recommend calling Keith at Airport Taxi Service +441784461444. He runs the taxi company and is one of the most intelligent and funny people I have ever met. And even better, he suffers from a rare and serious disorder called PMA. Guaranteed to make you laugh out loud. 

Stepping out of the victim-perpetrator dualism mentality

Last night a colleague and I went to dinner as we were the last two left from our meetings and we ended up having a philosophical conversation about life and circumstances.
After our dinner and while I was contemplating life and our conversation, something he said to me came back to me loud and clear. And what he said was he never looks at himself as a victim regardless of what has happened to him, happens to him or will happen to him. He looks at everything with a sense of happiness. He does not allow his circumstances to dictate who he is regardless of how hopeless his situation may seem. He remains as positive as he can that things will work out as they are meant to and as such they often do.
He also said he is very grateful for where he is in life considering from whence he has come. His life circumstances as a child not being as picture perfect as depicted in fairy tales. But he coped and learned never to think of himself as a victim. A philosophy I share totally.
And though I admired him for saying this, I did not fully comprehend why we had had dinner together until much later last night. When I was alone in my room upset about the way certain things in my life are unfolding.  And asking for guidance as to how to deal with these situatons that keep resurfacing. And it was during my period of contemplation that I received my answer.
What came to me was no matter how people treat us. No matter what we have been through. We have been given these circumstances to allow us to grow into better people. We have been given these circumstances because we asked for them. Came here to learn them and every so often when we lose our way, an angel appears in the least expected way to remind us of why we are here and what we are here to do.
Last night my angel came in the unexpected form of my colleague. Reminding me regardless of what circumstances I find myself in, it is up to me to choose how to feel. How to respond. To decide what makes me happy. And more importantly to accept I cannot change the way another person feels or thinks. All I can do is change the way I respond to them. And only in this way can I take myself out of being the victim, looking for someone to blame for the choices I have made, putting me in the situations I find most uncomfortable.
And when I do my whole outlook changes, the sadness lifts and the victim mentality shifts away. Allowing me to regain the power I need to remember I am the creator of my life, the circumstances I find myself in.  To know there is no use in blaming others for how I feel because it is not them that make me feel this way. It is me taking on their energy and trying to shift it to suit me. In doing so I become a victim of their circumstances rather than the creator of my own story.
And for my dinner with my colleague preparing me to change my way of thinking from victim to creator of my story, I am truly grateful. Reminding me always, our past is a part of who we are but it does not have to define us or limit our potential. At some point in our lives, we have been the victim as we have been the perpetrator and the reason this happens is to allow us to see both sides of the equation. To learn compassion. To learn to redefine the lines of our lives so that we can limit the amount of times we fall into the victim-perpetrator dualism, to borrow this phrase I love coined by Louise Hay.  Ultimately paving the way for us to stop the cycle of seeing ourselves as victims and thus taking on the form of the aggressor/perpetrator because at some point in our lives we felt we were victims.
But when we continuously paint ourselves as victims by believing we are not worthy of the abundance freely available to us, we will find we fall into the victim-perpetrator dualism more than we need to be. Because we falsely believe we have to get back at those who wronged us by becoming the perpetrators so we lash out at those who chose not to allow circumstances to define them. Instead of learning from them. Instead of seeing these people look at circumstances as opportunities for growth so they embrace them. We fail to see that regardless of the outcome, our role is not to become the victim or the perpetrator.
At some point in our lives we have to stop victimising others because we were victims once in our lives as Edward W. Said once said. There has to be a limit so let's just get on with living from a place of gratitude, faith and hope. Life is full of joy, abundance, love and light when we choose to see it from the viewpoint of the glass is full of all we want and need. Not empty from us being so blinded by lack, we miss seeing all the glass has on offer just for us.
So what will it be victim or creator? Lack or abundance? It's up to us to choose. Life is all about the choices we make. The roles we assume. The lessons we learn. It is all about how we choose to redefine the lines of our lives. Not the lines of the lives of others. And for this lesson I am truly grateful. Namaste.

The importance of sleep

My  body clock is all mixed up. My whole being is exhausted. Tiredness is something that can really mess with the mind, body and spirit. Sending us into panic mood. And sometimes to a place where we  cannot concentrate nor can we exist properly. And I also discovered yesterday that tiredness makes us want to eat all the time because our bodies desperately need calories to keep us going.
Sleep is very important for us and it is something we take for granted. When we don't sleep enough, our whole outlook changes. Whereas we may normally be calm when we don't sleep enough we tend to become short fused. Reacting to everything after the fact rather than being able to anticipate what is coming. And acting accordingly.
When we give ourselves time to sleep our whole being appreciates it because sleep allows our mind, body and spirit the time to recuperate. Time to go to that place of the in between where dreams, memories and thoughts are able to meet. When we allow ourselves to drift into the world where all of the answers to who, why and what we are all about exists.
Therefore it is very important for us to connect to that place because if we don't we start to lose touch with who we are and why we are causing us to become defensiveness, restless and reactive. Sleep allows us to reconnect with our essence selves and the all knowing. Which in turn fuels our self confidence allowing us to project the best aspects of ourselves rather than our deprived selves.
This morning I woke up in a tizzy because I overslept. Instead of getting up at 6 I woke up at 7.30! And instantly I started to panic because I had not given myself the time to have quiet time before having to rush off to meetings. But my mind, body and spirit was truly appreciative of the rest. And I decided I would not rush around. I would just allow myself to wake up naturally. To write what came to me. To let the morning flow and to accept I am where I am meant to be and this time is the time I was supposed to come out of my inner world. My world of in between.
To accept the gift the Universe gave me of the extra hour and a half of sleep because obviously I needed it. And when I did, a calmness came over me.  And I was able to accept my mind, body and spirit needed the rest particularly since I had not fallen asleep the night before until 1.45 in the morning. I had gone beyond tired into that place where my body was shaking, my mind was racing and my spirit was at wits end with me.
But I resisted my body telling me I needed to rest and instead answered emails from back home for work until my body could not take it any more. But my essence self trumped me this morning because it forced me into a deep sleep not allowing me to wake up until 7.30 this morning.
So despite my initial panic when I woke up, I am truly grateful for the rest I got. I could probably sleep for a few more hours if I allowed myself to but I know I can't because I have to go to the next set of meetings but at least today I can go with a clearer mind than I did yesterday.Because I was able to go to the place where my mind, body and spirit got to replenish themselves because they were allowed to drift in that place of the in between. The place where all the why, what and how comes reside.
And beauty of fuelling my body with rest, hopefully I won't eat as much as I did yesterday. And the sugar won't call my name as much because I rested. One can only hope.
Sleep is so very important for us because if we give ourselves time to refuel, eventually it will be done for us and not at the time when it is appropriate either. And for my lesson on the importance of sleep and rest, I am truly grateful.

Time is a funny thing

Time is a funny thing. It marches on at its own pace. Its own beat. It speeds up for no one. Slows down for no one. It just is what it is. Time ticking on. Effortlessly.

Yet when we wait for it or on it, it seems to take forever. The seconds feeling like hours. Minutes like days. Hours like years. Forcing us to become frustrated. Irritated. Impatient. Trying to adjust that which we cannot. Because time just is. Not meant to be hurried nor slowed. Just ticking on at its own pace. It is what it is.

Last night I flew from Bermuda to London and managed to sleep for a good 4 hours or so and then I was awake. Restless.Waiting for time. Drifting in and out of sleep. Checking my watch each time I woke up to see how much time had passed. Frustrated when only 5 minutes had gone by when I felt like it had been hours. Until I accepted time was not going to be hurried by me. So I decided not to keep watching the time but to just accept being on an airplane is beyond my control as to how time goes by.

And what was even stranger was when I lifted up the window shade to look outside there was this star that seemed to follow us. Making it appear as if we were stationary rather than moving. The scenery not changing outside. So it seemed. Making time feel even more so like it was standing still. Making me feel like my journey across the Atlantic was taking longer than normal.

In exasperation, I decided to give in to time. To not try to control it but to use it. So I got up and got down my lap top to write about time and how it is skewed by our perception of it. How when we let life happen, time operates in its own time. When we let go and go with the flow, time is as it should be. Neither rushed nor slowed. Its pace just what we need to get through. It just is.

But when we try to adjust time, rush it or slow it down, it always does the opposite. Letting us know it is something we cannot control. That all we can control is our expectations and perceptions of it.

Just like I know the airplane was moving through the sky but because of the star that seemed to follow us, my mind believed we were not moving and that time was standing still. When in fact we were moving and so was time. And even we choose not to keep pace, time will continue to move on. So I decided to use my time wisely. To write. To go with it and before I knew it,time sped up.

Allowing me to accept time is a funny thing. Not something we can control. Not something we can place expectations on. It just is and the more we learn to use it wisely without trying to force it, the better our use of it will be. Time is always on our side when we accept it is what it is. Time. Definitely marches to its own beat. With or without us.

And it doesn't stop until we stop but then it is just for us because it still continues for those who remain. Time makes its own time in its own way every single second of every single day.

A true neighbourhood formed after the fire

After unexpected and shocking events, there is usually something good that happens as did for us this weekend. Last week, we were battling a fire that threatened to consume our home. Last week our neighbour was raising the alarm to get the firemen to save out home.

Last week we barely knew our neighbours. As we were so busy hustling and bustling to go about our daily lives, we had not found the time to reach out to each other. The fire has changed that. Two of our male neighbours were on the scene of the fire shortly after my husband arrived home. One called by his wife who had raised the alarm. The other by them.

Later that evening they both came by our home to check on us to make sure everything was okay. To ask if we needed anything. One neighbour concerned that we may not have a place to stay because the smoke and fire had been so bad when they had been at our home in the morning.  Offering help if we needed it. All of us agreeing we needed to have each other’s contact details so we could get in touch without difficulty should be there another emergency. Strangers no more. Connected by a fire.

And then Saturday evening we were invited to our neighbour’s house, the one who raised the alarm, for drinks. We sat out on their porch with the other male neighbor who had come to check on us and his wife. The six of us drinking wine and chatting like we were long lost friends. Brought together by an event that could have changed all our lives. Fire.

As we sat and talked, our female neighbour telling us how the flames were so high she thought the whole neighbourhood was going to go up in flames. How she was panicking about getting the animals out, I realised we had all been brought together in this neighbourhood for a reason. The reason is to once again establish ourselves as a neighbourhood where the children can roam from house to house. Where all of us know someone has our back.

As I looked from face to face of our new neighbours while our children ran in and out, I felt like I had taken a step back in time to a place when neighbourhoods were neighbourhoods. When everyone knew what was going on. When there was no problem asking neighbours for help. And I knew why our female neighbour was the one who spotted the fire. It was because she was the one who was capable of connecting us all to each other. She was the one who was could bring us all together. And she did.

As I sat in the rocking chair of our neighbour’s home, the barriers coming down between us as we talked, I knew that fire was sent not to destroy but to connect. To open us up to become the neighbourhood we were meant to become. Our little cul de sac of four homes now truly a cul de sac of neighbours.  Not strangers anymore.  A place where we know regardless of what happens we will be there for each other.

 And for the coming of the fire to burn down the walls of isolation of our neighbourhood and replace them with open space for us to become connected neighbours I am truly grateful.