March - Roaring in like the lion and exiting as the lion

March is certainly going against the grain this year. Coming in like a lion and going out like a lion. But that’s not the way it's supposed to be according to folklore we protest. It is either meant to come in like a lion then go out like a lamb. Or come in like a lamb then go out like a lion. It is not meant to come in the same way it goes out. 

Yet this year it has decided to roar on its way in and roar on its way out. Upsetting us. Making us wonder what is going on. Making us wonder what Mother Nature is trying to tell us. What the Universe is trying to show us.

Is it trying to let us know that there are no real expectations? No real predetermined way of being unless we impose it upon ourselves. Unless we allow ourselves to be what others expect us to be rather than being who we are. That folklore is folklore based on tales of the past and hence is static whereas life is meant to be dynamic – no patterns, no expectations,  just as it is meant to be. Changing, adapting with the times.

That sometimes what we expect to happen won’t and was never meant to be. That what is happening right here, right now in this moment is what is meant to happen regardless of what was predicted or what we believed was meant to happen.

The day started out so beautifully yesterday. Perfect almost but as it progressed, I could feel the tension in the air. Like the calm was dueling with the storm. Like the air pressure could not figure out what it was meant to do. A heaviness gradually replaced the lightness of the air. I could taste the change coming and see it as well as the cloudless bright day gave way to a muggy cloudy late afternoon /evening.

By the time nightfall came, the winds had picked up considerably. And I initially thought but it can’t be because March had come in like a lion so it can’t possibly go out like a lion. But it did, is and is showing me that sometimes we are meant to be turned upside down, inside out to see that life can change in an instant. That we can change in an instant. That we have to be adaptable. Grateful for every change that comes our way. Every upset that comes our way because we are being moved to where we are meant to be. Ushered into ourselves and the more we resist, the more lost we become. The more we accept what is, the easier our path becomes.

We are being asked to accept the challenge of the unknown. Treasure the shift in the atmosphere. Because folklore is based on the past, meant to guide us but not to determine us. And so I look upon this odd set of weather patterns that are happening everywhere as an omen to be free to be who I am meant to be. To go with the flow. To remember what has happened in the past but not let it dictate what is coming for me. To not get bogged down by folklore. To be who I am meant to be. To be what feels comfortable for me. Regardless of what is projected for me. To reject what does not feel right and embrace what does.

Thank you March for blowing in with force. Roaring like the lion you are. For waking me up to accept that life will sometimes surprise us in the best of ways by the way you are taking us out of your month with your last roar and mighty blow. Roaring in like the lion and exiting like the lion because you can and did. Bellowing to us to go with the flow as you blow out all preconceived notions of what was to make way for what is. Namaste. 

Sometimes when I see a woman, a pregnant woman

Sometimes when I see a woman

A pregnant woman

Belly full of life

I am transported back to the time

When I was that woman

Pregnant woman

Belly full of life

I think of how I could not wait

To meet my children

The lives my husband and I were creating

The personalities we had selected

To come

To teach us

And us them

About life

About love

About forgiveness

About letting go

When the time is right

Sometimes when I see a woman

A pregnant woman

Belly full of life

I think about how quickly time goes by

Not when we are in the moment

The twilight moment

Of being new parents

To the now

When my children are growing up

One a teenager

And the other a tween

I think about how it is important

To cherish each moment

Each moment of our children’s live

And our lives

Because time marches on

Constantly 

Steadily

It waits for no one

Apologises to no one

Does not repeat for anyone

So it is important

That we give of each other

To ourselves

To our children

To the lives we want to lead

Sometimes when I see a woman

A pregnant woman

Belly full of life

I think of how I thought I was the only one

Who had become a mom

Who was trying to forge her way

Through understanding how to mother

How to be mothered

How to be a mother

Without suffocating myself

Or my children

About how to let them be

While at the same time

Being there for them

How to let them develop

Into their own people

Without putting too much of myself on them

How to let them fight their own battles

Without intervening

Even though sometimes

It is tempting to take over

But then I see another woman

A pregnant woman

Belly full of life

And I know she too

Will experience what I have experienced

She too will know love

Unlike any other love she has ever experienced

Because bearing children

Is the closet we come

To being a creator of life

And it is awesome

Awe inspiring

And frightening at the same time

Until we remember

We chose our children

And they us

To learn lessons

To teach lessons

To learn responsibility

To be responsible

So now when I see

A woman

A pregnant woman

Belly full of life

I rejoice in the sisterhood

That is us

Because it is beautiful experience

A growing up experience

If we want to mother our children

To go into the world

As givers rather than takers

To understand bearing children 

Is a delicate balancing act

Yin and Yang

A dance of give and take

A privilege bestowed upon us

To continue the circle of life

So when I see a woman

A pregnant woman

Belly full of life

I smile

I feel full inside

To know I chose the best role

I have ever been given

To be a mother

To mother

And to be mothered

And to love

In a way I never knew possible

As I watch my two

Becoming adults

Growing

Testing

Stretching

A warmness fills my belly

The belly that carried them

Belly full of life

Belly full of love

Belly full of hope

Belly full of faith

Belly full of Love and light

Until they were ready to emerge

Allowing me to see

Who I am really

Through their antics

Through their actions

Through their eyes

Motherhood

Love

Life

Everything
Belly full of life
What an honour

Namaste

There is a lot of negativity swirling around right now

There is a lot of negativity swirling around now. Dark yet subtle energy that is so persuasive that it is almost intoxicating because it comes in the guise of supporting us. Enticing us to its side because it makes us believe it is there to help us feel better about ourselves by engaging in negative chatter and destroying others. It snakes its way into our space when it sees and feels the slightest crack of vulnerability. Taking that as its invitation to find its way into our hearts. Encouraging us to fill ourselves with what we believe to be its acceptance. Allowing ourselves to become ensnared in its comforting embrace. Tempting us to spread its darkness, its tendrils into the hearts of others.

Pulling us down into its darkest depths. Shrouding us from seeing the light. From accepting we are the light. Blocking us from feeling the light in our souls because we begin to believe there are more negative people and events in this world than there are positive. Because we can't see that negativity only begates negativity - and if we are negative that's all we will attract. We falsely believe that being positive is a constant state and when we can’t hold on to it, we become frustrated. And take the path of least resistance - believing the only path is darkness.

In doing so, we go outside of ourselves for answers. Going where those dark tendrils want to lead us - seeking the praise of others, seeking to please others, seeking to be found.  Because that’s what darkness does. What negativity does. Alluring at first until all we can see is the dark. All we can feel is negativity. And then we can’t breathe. Can’t see. Can’t find our way out of the darkness because we feel so weighted down by the guilt, fear and the insecurity that come with hanging out in the dark. As they are the constant companions of darkness.

And the more we try to find our way out, the more negativity we attract until we realize the only way out is to accept we  have to be able to praise ourselves first, please ourselves first and to accept we are never lost. We are always found because we always know where we are even though we pretend that we don’t.

It is so much easier it seems to be negative because then people run to our sides. They whisper with us about the injustices of the world. They spit angry thoughts out so that we can join them. But what we don’t realize is when we are intent on keeping others down, the only people we truly keep down are ourselves.

And the only way we can find our way out of the darkness is to accept being in the light is a journey, a process not a destination. That the light is with us all the time but we have to be willing to step into it. To be it even when we are tempted by the dark side. Even when we fall to the dark side. Vulnerability comes to help us to be the light we are meant to be by exposing our flaws so we can grow not hide behind them by pulling everyone else down to the depths of darkness.

Accepting our vulnerabilities, our trials allow us to know and accept life can be hard sometimes. Sometimes it will knock us right down but we have to be careful that we do not allow ourselves to believe that life is hard, that the world is dark and against us because when we do, that becomes the world we live in. The world we inhabit. So it is totally us to us to be the light we want in our lives in order to attract more of it into our lives. 

Faith and listening to our hearts

Yesterday I had an interesting conversation about faith and listening to our heart with someone. Explaining to him that our heart is our gut and our gut always knows. I could see the conflicted look on the person’s face. Feel his confusion when I said, it is the heart that is always right not our heads.

I explained how our heads are filled with everyone else’s expectations of us, everyone’s opinions about how the world should be, how we should be;  but our hearts, our guts are truly and honestly us.  It is the feeling in the pit of our stomach that either makes us feel sick or well depending on the circumstances we are presented with. Because our heart  always let us know when we are in a situation that is best for us, when we are with people that are best for us. When it is time to remain and when it is time to go.

He  disagreed with me telling me the head is always more important than the heart and I asked him to think back to the times when his heart told him to do one thing and his head told him to do another. To think about the consequences that ensued when he allowed his head to override his heart, his gut because of outside influences rather than his own inner compass, his own inner guide. I asked him to think about how he feels when he is at his best and where that feeling emanates from. Instantly he understood and knew it was when he followed his heart, his gut. But outside influences had led him to believe his head is more important.

He then challenged me on faith. Telling me that sometimes his heart goes against his faith with the same look of conflict on his face. To which I responded there are different levels of faith and also different meanings of faith depending on where we derive our faith from. Faith based on religion is filled with other people’s definitions of where we need to be and what we need to believe in in life and it may not necessarily agree with surrendering to our hearts. Faith based on religion usually is indoctrination into the belief system of a group of people who originally came together based on a common belief system forming a sect of religion and principles and hence we have Jewish beliefs, Christian beliefs, Catholic beliefs, Muslim beliefs, etc. And usually those people believe their religion is the right way. The only way.

Whereas spiritual based faith is all encompassing – it surrenders to the all that is and is normally in harmony with our hearts, our guts because it judges no one. And does not feel righteous to anyone else accepting that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. Faith based spiritualism recognizes that each one of us comes here for a reason and each one of us is journeying every single day – changing and growing and cannot be confined to any dogma that does not keep up with the changing times. With the changing us.

Faith based spiritualism allows us to develop as we are meant to by surrendering to our inner compass, our hearts, our guts because that is what connects us to the beginning and end. To the One Source that is us all. Recognizing and accepting there is no separation between us because we are all one thereby allowing us to surrender to our own inner compasses. To listen to our hearts which may be looked upon as our gateway to the All.

I explained that at the end of the day faith is based on a belief system. A belief system that no matter what , we will be pulled through the darkness into the light and for some there is the need for religion to keep them grounded while for others it is spiritualism. And neither is wrong or right for as long as we have faith. As long as we follow our hearts without allowing our heads to take us down a path that our hearts were telling us not to go then we will know faith like we have never known it before. We will know ourselves like we have never known ourselves before. But we must listen to our hearts rather than our heads. Because our heart is our gut, our inner compass and it always knows… always knows.

Outlook is everything in life

Outlook is everything in life. It leaves us feeling joy or sadness. It fills us with possibility or leaves us feeling depleted. Outlook is that which determines whether we are full of hope or weighted down with despair.

Yesterday morning I was woken up at 3am which seems to be the bewitching hour in my home at the moment by my daughter’s talking Furby. As a word of advice, do not buy one of those things for your children because they are slightly demented and come on when least expected. But for some reason I was moved to believe it had woken me up for a reason so I got up to go to the bathroom trying to understand why I had been woken up at that hour.

I don’t like to turn the lights on in the bathroom when I wake up at that time because I like to remain in that special and peaceful place between sleep and awake so I can go back to sleep when I go back to bed. As I walked into the bathroom, I was surprised by the silence outside considering I had gone to bed with the wind rattling again, the rain pounding down and was fully expecting to hear much of the same. Instead I was greeted by the sound of silence and a beautiful and enticing light shining through my blinds. I opened the blinds to see where the light was coming from and was delighted by a sky full of twinkling stars and a crescent moon lying on its back illuminating the sky. Feeling me with such hope. Such delight. Such joy that I began to tingle from head to toe.

As I stood marveling at the sky, I realised I had turned the talking and demented Furby issue into a moment of reverence as I stood at the window absorbing the light of the moon and the stars. Feeling so blessed to have witnessed such a spectacular sky in the early morning hours of the beginning of a new day. Feeling so blessed to have taken the time to observe the awakening of a new day. Grateful for the light in the otherwise dark night.

And then I went back to bed falling into a deep sleep with a smile on my face. A smile filled with the light of the dark morning. Blessed by each star that had shone down on me. By the light of the moon. So grateful for witnessing nature at its very best. Shining bright like diamonds uncut and unchanged by man.

Reminding me that outlook is everything in life. It is what determines whether we will be filled with joy or left empty from sadness. It allows us to look at the Furby situation as a threat or as a gift – an opportunity to see the beautiful sky as I did when I was woken up. It fills us with possibility or leaves us feeling depleted because outlook determines who we are at any given moment.

And because I had that special moment yesterday morning, I took the blustery stormy weather last night and this morning in stride. Seeing just how quickly everything can change but as long as my outlook is good, I can go with the flow. Because outlook is everything in life.  Namaste.

A tribute to Elvis

A friend shared a story on Facebook about a young man called Elvis. And what caught my attention was the title, “This man gets $84,600 each morning and by the evening he is broke.” I had prejudged this young man thinking I was going to be reading about another young man wasting his life away on crack or heroin or some other drug. But for some reason I was drawn to his story and was I glad I followed my gut rather than listening to the negative stereotyping that was clouding my judgment.

I was pleasantly surprised to receive a wake up call from Elvis, Elvis whose mother died when he was 16. Elvis who was living on the poverty line because he had nowhere else to go and no one to turn to but himself. He was forced to accept his life was all about the way he chose to live out the 84,600 seconds he is given every morning when he wakes up. He learned to treat those seconds like precious dollars. Challenging himself to live out the seconds he wakes up with every single day as if he was a man who had options and because of his positive outlook, he opened himself up to receive the gifts, treasures  and abundance of the Universe. And in doing so, allowed himself to break free of the chains of his own mind which in turn opened him up to options beyond his dreams.

Teaching us that life truly gives us what we believe we are capable of achieving but most times we focus on what we don’t have rather than on what we do. Something as simple as being grateful for the 84,600 seconds we wake up with each day allows us to see the possibility in each day. Transforming our lives from mediocre to spectacular. From dreaming to doing. As Elvis manages to do every single day of his life and now he is living a  life of change and freedom because he knows no matter what life brings him on any given day in any given second, he will have another chance another opportunity to correct and be who he is meant to be.

What an inspiration – no longer will I think any second of the day is a chore because of this incredible young man. No I will tell myself I am so grateful for every second of every day because there are 84,600 of them in any given day – ample time for me to correct and change course. Ample time for me to see the glory in each second regardless of how weighted down I may seem because like Elvis my world was turned upside way before I understood what life was all about when my mother died when I was 13. But her death liberated me in some ways to know that every second of every single day counts because I learnt the hard way I never know when it will be my last. As did Elvis. Kindred spirits through time and space. Sharing a common story. From different backgrounds and different perspectives but connected nonetheless.

I used to live my life with abandon. Not worried about tomorrow. Just living for each second of each day until I grew mature and listened to naysayers reining me in. Corralling me because I allowed them to but now Elvis has come as my angel to remind me of how I never took any second of any day for granted. To remind me to think of the 84,600 seconds I am privileged to have for the days I am given them so I can be an inspiration to myself and to those who cross my path. To remember those seconds are worth more than money, more than gold, more than diamonds because as Elvis states, I can never get them back again. I can never gain interest on them. I can’t put them in the bank because at the end of every single day, they are gone. Never to be retrieved again.

So the question then becomes what am I going to do with those 84,600 seconds before they are gone forever? A game changer for me for sure… Namaste Elvis. Namaste to my friend for posting his story which I am sharing with you today and hopefully you will get a wake up call as I did from a young man who treats his 84,600 seconds as the gift they truly are….

Elvis' link is below for your enjoyment:

 http://www.mtlblog.com/2014/03/this-man-gets-84600-each-morning-then-goes-broke-at-night/

Security comes not from standing still

Last night I listened to a young lady called Tung Tung Chan on Tedx talk about the fact that we are all teachers. All students of life. A sentiment I agree with totally.

I have learnt over the years that the more I question, the more answers I get, the more questions I have because life is a process. A journey. So we are in perpetual motion. In order to keep up with our perpetual state of motion, we have to be willing to accept change and all that comes with it. In order to accept change, we have to be willing to accept that we are constant works in progress. That we are never stagnant unless we are dead. And because we are constantly changing, we must be willing to open ourselves to constant learning. To constantly be curious about new processes, new people, new situations. About life. Our journey. And not close ourselves off believing that when we do, no one will know we don’t know anything or understand the new place we find ourselves in.

For when we shut ourselves off and pretend we know it all, we shut ourselves off from growing more within ourselves. From becoming more than what we limit ourselves to being. By pretending we know it all, it becomes blatantly clear to everyone around us that we know nothing and we show signs of it to everyone including ourselves. Causing us to retreat. To hide. To be afraid that we will be found out without realizing we have already been found out because we have shown our ignorance to the world by hiding behind our arrogance. Our false sense of security. And when we do, we emit insecurity and we make mistake after mistake. Leaving us in a constant state of fear.

This young lady, Tung Tung Chan, I listened to last night is wise beyond her years because she gets that teaching and learning are personal. That everyone one of us is responsible for teaching and learning. For acquiring knowledge and sharing that knowledge. We cannot teach someone who has no desire to learn and we cannot teach if we have no desire to learn.  She gets that everyone has a part to play because teaching and learning are essential parts of life. That we are constantly teachers and students of life.

She ended her talk with the following quote, “The only man who is educated is the man who has learned how to learn, the man who has learned how to adapt and change, the man who has realized that no knowledge is secure, that only the process of seeking knowledge gives a basis of security.” Carl Roger 1969

This quote resonated so deeply with me because it reminded me that security comes not in believing we have arrived and know it all. Au contraire – security comes from constantly seeking and being willing to ask the questions. Being brave enough and smart enough to question and admit that we are constantly evolving, constantly changing and our sense of belonging comes from questioning, seeking, teaching and learning. Not from believing the knowledge we have to this point is secure because then we stagnant our growth. Hamper our journey and become mired in a destination that was not meant for us until death.

Instead we must accept in order for us to become educated we must learn how to learn, to adapt to change and embrace this process called life we are journeying in every single day of our lives. Secure in the fact that we are constant seekers of knowledge. Masters of our journey and never the destination. Namaste

Marveling at the Cloud show yesterday afternoon

Yesterday afternoon I left work early or should I say on time. Exhausted from having stayed up all the night before to watch Scandal twice and Jimmy Kimmel in between because my man tony Goldwyn was interviewed. Wired from an exciting Scandal so sleep eluded me until 2.30 am. So by 3.30 yesterday afternoon, my whole being was screaming it needed some rest. Some R&R time. So when 5 o’clock rolled around, I was out there without guilt or shame.

I loved being home at a reasonable time from work. When the day was still young and the night was a few hours way. The day felt much longer allowing me to be more present in it. Particularly because my daughter, husband and I sat out on our back porch. She in my husband’s arm’s because she was not feeling well. I unfortunately had passed the bug I had the week before first to my son and now to my daughter. I guess it is that time of the year when germs have the chance to spread and grow and pass on.

So the three of us sat chatting about nothing and everything. Very relaxed on a Friday afternoon. Listening to our red bird singing his song. Watching him fly from tree to tree. And then my husband looked up at the sky and said, Look, there is Mysty in the sky.”

My daughter and I looked up and were delighted to see our Mysty shaped by the clouds. Chills ran through me as I knew our girl had come back to let us know she is okay. We were all so excited to see her image shaped by the clouds. Her trademark long ears. Her eyes shaped and looking down on us. She stayed with us for a while as she did when she was alive then the clouds dissipated and  changed again. Our girl now gone but because she had come opened us up to play the cloud game for a while. Seeing what we could see in the clouds. Sharks. Crabs. Whimsical shapes. Just the tree of us watching the clouds and enjoying each other’s company.

Making me realize just how much we rush through life so much that sometimes we forget to stop. Forget to take time out to do nothing but look at the clouds or whatever takes our fancy. Because when we do, we are always given a gift. A treasure from the Universe as we were given yesterday when the clouds formed into the shape of our beautiful rabbit, Mysty-Blue. Blessing us yesterday with her presence to let us know though we may part physically we are connected spiritually and through our hearts forever.

Nature is a beautiful thing. A wonderful reminder of how sometimes we just need to stop. To be. To accept we are where we are meant to be. That life will change as will we but we all have a purpose and sometimes that purpose is just learning to be patient, to stop, to marvel at life. To take time out and to wonder in the Nature show that presents itself to us every single day. As I did yesterday and I am so grateful I did.

Feeling blessed this morning to be who I am where I am at this present moment. Namaste.

World Happiness Day and the Spring Equinox

Yesterday was World Happiness Day and it was one of those days that truly lifted my spirit particularly because I felt when I looked random people in the eye and smiled at them, a burst of light and energy went from me to them then boomeranged back to me. Filling my spirit with such joy and delight. I loved every minute of World Happiness Day because I let go of anything that was too heavy for me to bear and instead lived on the light side of my journey. And it was beautiful.

Happiness is infectious because it is so liberating. So freeing. So beautiful. It starts with a small tinge and spreads like wildfire through our beings. Igniting us. Making way for passion to spring forth. Allowing us to be creative because we are so alive to the present moment.  No longer thinking or fearing anything that happened seconds before or that could happen seconds later.

I loved how I felt yesterday because every time I smiled at someone, they smiled back. Every time I told someone it was World Happiness Day, some would take a while for what I said to register. Others questioned what it meant. And where it had come from. Who had declared that yesterday was World Happiness Day? But most were intrigued by its meaning. And lifted by the thought of what it meant even the most cynical.

I discovered that when I added the statement, “make someone smile today”, I would naturally smile while saying it causing whomever I said it to to respond by smiling back. Making my smile grow even more genuine and larger. And anyone within our close proximity would feel the happiness energy and they would smile too.

Teaching me that happiness is truly a state of mind. An ability to surrender to all that is, was and ever will be. Accepting that we are where we are meant to be. That everyone and everything that crosses our path does so for a reason. Because when we smile. When we declare ourselves to be happy, no matter what I going on around us, we feel joy, contentment and peace.

I loved that yesterday was declared World Happiness Day because it fell on the Equinox of Winter and Spring, and the day here in Bermuda could not have been any more beautiful. So all of my senses were awakened to what it means to be happy. To be joyful. To be a bringer and spreader of love and light without expectation. Without preparation. Without understanding. Just by being fully present in the moment. Taking my smile with me wherever I went.

So I have decided that from time to time I will declare days to be World Happiness Days of my random choosing particularly on those days when I don’t feel I have anything to be happy about because that is exactly when I need to make others smile because in making them smile, I smile, others smile, we all smile and discover just how fortunate we all are. Just how blessed we are in this journey called life because we understand happiness is not a state it is a process just as we are. A journey that is neither stagnant nor frozen.

I am so grateful to have experienced my first World Happiness Day and here’s to many more. Allowing good thoughts to radiate from me changing me to be beautiful inside and out and spreading to those who cross my path as well.  

See how long it takes for you to remain unhappy when you listen to the Happy Song by Pharrell Williams. Hum it and feel how easy it is to be happy. Love it. Thank you world Happiness Day for spreading the love by allowing us to tap into the bountiful reservoir of our inner and natural place of happiness particularly on the first day of Spring. Because I'm Happy...

Spring has Sprung, Happy Equinox

Yesterday as I was driving out of my yard, a bird flew right past my windshield and landed on a tree right next to me. Slowing me down enough to see blue out of the corner of my eye. So I stopped and looked to my left to see what bird had come to slow me down.  I was delighted to see it was a blue bird. Sitting proudly on the tree looking back at me. To say I was filled with joy is an understatement. I love blue birds. I think they are some of the most beautiful birds around. And when I saw him I was filled with a knowingness that Spring and lighter days are on their way.

Today is the first day of Spring, the equinox between winter and spring. The ushering in of lighter days. The ushering in of a change of season. I love this time of year when the winds start to die down or are not always as strong as the winds of winter. When the days start to get longer ushering in more light. I love the promise that hangs in the air at this time of the year.

Though we have not had a winter per se this year compared to the wrath of winter others have faced and I am so grateful for that, we still have had the long dark days and I am so ready for the light. For the light that comes from the dark.

This morning when I woke up I realized there was no sound. Only silence.  So silent compared to the nights gone by where the wind had been rattling and banging everything around. At first I could not understand what the sound was or should I say what the lack of sound was. Only after really listening I realised it was the sound of silence. The absence of sound that had captured my attention. Sitting up in bed, I knew and felt it was the sound of Spring coming in silently. Slipping in under the radar. Understated. But present.

And then I remembered my bluebird from the day before flying in front of me. Sitting in the tree next to me waiting for me to see him. To notice him. To feel the spring he was bringing with him. And I jumped out of bed, ready, ready for this new day, for this new Season, for the coming of the longer days of light full of energy and life.

May the sighting of the bluebird by me yesterday represent for me what it represents in spirituality where the bluebird is associated with contentedness and spiritual joy. Often predicting the occurrence of a happy condition or good tidings coming our way. Symbolic of transition or spiritual awakening. I am embracing the symbolism of that little blue bird who was brave enough to stop me in my tracks yesterday. Forcing me to see him, really see him as my omen that I am in transition, on the brink of spiritual awakening as are the seasons.

Spring has Sprung everyone. Happy Spring Equinox to one and all. May this Spring bring with it all the blessings and joy it represents. The light from the darkness. Namaste

Girlfriends, True girlfriends

Girlfriends

True girlfriends

Are the best

They come

To share

To help

To lift up

Girlfriends

True ones

Fill us with

Inspiration

Aspiration

And faith

They laugh with us

Deep guttural laughs

That make our whole beings shake

And vibrate

At the same frequency

The frequency of pure abandon

Enabling us to let go

Surrender

In the comfort of the grasp of our girlfriends

True girlfriends

Giving each other permission

To not worry about 

What we look like

Or what we say

Dropping the guards

We put up

Stripping off the armour

We put on

Because there is no need

To hide behind the shield

No need to be other than who we are

Springing forth conversations

Without judgement

Without fear

Deep and open conversations

Exposing our vulnerabilities

Revealing them

Peeling them back

Allowing us to nurture them

Rather than using our vulnerabilities as weapons

Against us

Girlfriends

True girlfriends

Stand by us through thick and thin

Never using any of our vices

As their victories

To tread on us

To make them feel more superior

Girlfriends 

True girlfriends

Honour our feelings

Help to balance us

As we do them

Girlfriends

True girlfriends

Understand 

There is a time and place

For everything and everyone

That sometimes we will be

On the same page

And other times we will not

That sometimes we will be

Physically present in each other’s lives

And other times we will not

Girlfriends

True girlfriends

Know when the time is right

There will be no distance between us

That the mental connection always remains

Such that when we are meant to be together

Time stands still

Reconnecting us

As if we had been together all along

Because we have

Being in the presence of girlfriends

True girlfriends

Is one of the most liberating

And awakening experiences

Because being in their presence

Opens our eyes to who we are

As it opens their eyes to who they are

Reflections of each other

Shadows of each other

Mirrors to each other

Girlfriends

True girlfriends

Are like the most precious jewels

Never to be taken for granted

Always to be treasured

Grateful for

And loved

Girlfriends

True girlfriends

What a breath of fresh air

Love my girlfriends

My true girlfriends

So grateful for having you in my life

This blog is dedicated to you

My girlfriends

True girlfriends

You know who you are

Scattered near and far

Physically

But always

Always

Present in my heart

With gratitude and love

Honour and respect

Namaste

Trusting our intuition

Trust your intuition

Your heart does not lie

Trust your intuition

Your heart does not lie

Trust your intuition

Your heart does not lie

You may ask why I have repeated this over and over again

You may ask whether I have lost my mind

You may ask what is she trying to say

I am trying to remind myself

Of the power of my inner voice

The power of my intuition

The power of my heart

The power of letting go

Of that which no longer resonates with me

The power of feeling the hairs stand up on my back

In the presence of those who need not remain

Or be invited into my life

I am reminding myself of the power I have

The power we all have

Over the darkness that comes into our lives

We always know the presence of the darkness

We always know the threat before it becomes a visible threat

We can feel it

Smell it

Sense it

Taste it

From a place deep deep within

That place that never leads us astray

That place that seeks to protect us

Shelter us from harm

But we over turn it

Over look it

Betray it

Push it aside

When we cast our eye too far

When all we see is the prize

The one that wants to lure us into its tangled web

To keep us in the dark

To keep us searching

To knock us off side

Keeping us from accepting

We are the masters of our Universe

Our own voice in the dark

But when we accept

We are the masters of our destinies

The queens of our throne

The kings of our kingdoms

We will never distrust again

The power of our intuition

The power of our hearts

Because they always know

Always warn us

Of the threat before it becomes a visible threat

We always know

Always know

When we are in the best place for us

With the best people for us

Doing what is best for us

All we need to get there

To ground ourselves

Is to accept and believe

To trust our intuition

Because

Our heart

Does not lie

Never lies

Just we do

And when we do

We end up

Lost

Stumbling in the dark

Rather than

Trusting our intuition

And accepting

Our heart does not lie

A weekend of regret leads to an awakening

I woke up this morning with lots of thoughts going through my mind. Regrets somewhat that I spent all day in bed Saturday with what I thought was a 24 hour flu bug that now seems like a day to hibernate and vegetate my thoughts. To really listen to them. To sleep. To dream. To not have the energy to do anything else but to rest.  To allow the cold that was in me to stream out as if it was streaming out thoughts and things that were not meant to be in me. The only bad feeling I have was that it was my son’s 15th birthday but he seemed okay with it. Okay that he was allowed to do whatever he wanted for his birthday.

So here it is Monday morning and I feel like lots of things I was meant to do were left undone because of my lost Saturday until I saw my first sign that I was put into a prone potion for a while to allow me space to be grateful for waking up this morning in better health both mentally and physically than I did on Friday and Saturday. That I gave myself permission to be and to get rid of the guilt that was threatening to take over.

To think about how yesterday morning I was still not feeling 100% but what I thought was vanity that got me out of bed thinking I really needed to have my hair but it was not I now realize.  But what I realise is it was not vanity that got me out of bed; it was something else willing me to get up. It started first with the call of my pied piper as I like to call him, my cardinal, my red bird, singing at the top of his lungs at about 5 am yesterday morning. His song arousing me out of bed. Putting a smile on my face. Allowing me to hear the sound of the waking morning. The song of promise. The song of more to come.

I got up and looked for him but did not see him. When I walked out of the hairdresser, the morning had truly broken, and the day was glorious. The air fresh. The skies clears. The storms and cold of the days before had given way to a perfect day. Almost like what had happened inside of me. The day and I were mirroring each other.

After eating breakfast with my family on our porch and they all had gone back inside, I sat and watched nature doing its thing all around me. Feeling so blessed to be a part of it all. Feeling so grateful to be contributing to it just by my presence. Hearing my red bird song again. Louder than anything else. Still hiding for me by sight but making his presence known by his song.  Realising looking for him as he sang allowed me to see blue birds flitting around my yard. In and out of the blue bird box filling me with joy that they have come back to us. Hope that spring has sprung. A white butterfly catching my eye. All in silence to the song of the red bird.

I watched the trees swaying in the gentle breeze. My body still chilled and not yet well. I got up and walked to the other side of the house. The east side of the house where the sun was at its peak and sat with my eyes closed facing it. Allowing the heat of the sun to radiate my being, to warm me. To take away the remnants of my ailments. And I knew it was working its magic because behind my eyelids the colour red spread. Exploding behind my lids like that of a nuclear explosion. An explosion of energy filling me up. I inhaled it deeply and exhaled slowly. Thanking the Universe for enrapturing me in its magic. Thanking myself for taking the time to be.

So this morning when I woke up and realized it was Monday and thought I had missed a weekend, I realized I had not. Because what I had done even more than hurrying about was take the time to reconnect with nature, to reconnect with me. To accept that life sometimes will take us places we did not dream but each one of those places is a stepping stone to help us to get back to us. Clear our thoughts of everyone else’s dreams and allow us space to hear, see and feel our dreams again. And that’s why sometimes we are forced to stop by illness because it is the only way we will listen. The only way we will realise we are fighting a battle that is not ours and our bodies break down to make us stop, to redirect us to get back on our own path, to our own dreams as happened to me over the weekend.

And that’s why today I will enjoy every minute of whatever I am doing accepting that somehow whatever I am doing I am meant to be doing because I am being led every step I take to where I am and where I am meant to be. Happy Monday every one. Blessed week to us all. Every step of the way.

Happy Birthday to two special people in my life

Difficult starting this morning because I am feeling so ill. No thoughts are coming to my head except to go back to bed. Everything on me feels run down. Congested. Sore. Achy. The typical cold symptoms and I feel bad for feeling ill on this special day - on the day my son came into our lives 15 years ago. The Ides of March.

So I think this blog will be short and sweet to commemorate my son and my mother-in-law as they share this special day together. But at the same time to honour me by allowing myself to go back to bed. And what is so good about this is that my son has reached the age where it doesn’t matter whether his parents plan a special celebration for him, he and his friends have plans to go out today and hang out anyway so he will be fine while I am in bed.

My young man who is broody, moody but has a heart of gold still. Still very sensitive to wanting everyone and everything around him to be okay but yet keeps himself slightly distant. Slightly aloof from the rest of us. But with his eye always on us. The yin and yang of boy on the cusp of manhood.

And it is also my mother in-law’s 88^th birthday today. So special that her only grandson and she share the same date. So special that two people that could

be so very different came into this world on the same date. She some73 years before our son.  He in Bermuda. She in England.  Both a connection obviously beyond our comprehension.

She at the ends of her days. He at the beginning. Showing the dichotomy of life. There are always beginnings and endings and journeys in between. Though he is at the beginning and she at the end. Both are still journeying. Both are still experiencing life just at different stages. He with his eyes still wide open. Mind still absorbing like a sponge. Still developing his thoughts. Still trying to find his way. Trying to understand his purpose and where he fits in in this world.

She, on the other hand, has come to terms with lots of things in her life. Has said goodbye to many and just lives out each day as she says grateful when her eyes open in the morning and she is still here. What a lovely thought that there is more gratitude simply from waking up in the morning. If only we can remember this each day when we awake. How much of a miracle it is when we awake each day that we do.

So with that I am accepting my illness, my soreness, my achiness with gratitude because I did wake up this morning grateful for my son, for my mother-in-law and for my family for all they bring into my life. And now I am giving myself permission to go back to bed so I can be here for more days to enjoy them even more when I am feeling 100%.

Happy birthday to my handsome and beautiful son, our dark star who chose us as his parents 15 years ago to help to guide him through his mortal journey. We love him to infinity and beyond. We love watching who he is becoming – both the challenging and the loving.

Happy birthday to my mother-in-law who brought her son into this world for me to love. Showing us both that age is but a number as she still is as feisty and as together she ever. We love her to infinity and beyond.

A special day shared by two special people in my life. Grateful beyond words for them both. With love, honour and respect Happy birthday to you both for including me in your lives. Namaste.

There is no Vermont @ScandalABC

Spoiler Alert – this blog is dedicated to my addiction Scandal so indulge me for a minute as Liv and Fitz like to say. Just one minute. So here we go…

OMG! OMG ! OMG!

To all the @Gladiators out there, we all know what that means. To the nonGladiators, you missed an awesome show last night. Shonda  Rhimes and her team of writers are the best writers on the planet in my opinion. There is nothing that can top ABC’s Scandal – not even close. I can say that because I am totally biased and I don’t really watch anything else on TV because it is this show that keeps me coming back every single week to get my Scandal Fix.

Just when my interest was starting to wane. Just when my faith in where the show was going was starting to slip away, last night I was transported to a whole new level on my favourite show ABC Scandal. I am literally obsessed with this show and last night there were so many OMG moments that I lost count. OMG! OMG!OMG! No one is safe on this show. Nothing is out of bounds. My heart is still racing. Palms are still sweating and it’s the next morning already. Totally awesome show.

As I  told one of my fellow Gladiators during the intense tweeting and Facebooking session last night, my little Samsung tablet could not keep up with the pace that the tweets and posts were streaming so it kept freezing. I swear there was steam coming out of its top as it froze several times. Frustrating me to no end particularly when I felt I had something so profound to say. But then again I was so transfixed by the show that I didn’t mind not posting because I didn’t want to miss a word. How many negative can you count in that sentence. Hopefully they cancel out to mean something positive but whatever - it is Scandal after all!

I am an #Olitz fan all the way but last night I was on the fence for the first time thinking that #Olake may not be such a bad option until Liv turned her back on Jake sending him off the edge. Giving him what little nudge he needed to assume his whole Command persona and go in my opinion “Postal”. The monologue he started and sorted ended with showing that he has some deeply disturbing issues going on in his background that can make him become as cold as ice and as calculating as a fox. Remember power corrupts. And Jake is about to become so corrupted with so many scores he wants and needs to settle that it is firghtening. Chilling thought really.

And then Liv turns back to Fitz and says to him, “Let’s just stop pretending. Let’s just be here.” At first I thought she needed to add, “Be here right now in this moment. With me. You and me together.” But I guess she didn’t need to because when she grabbed his face and took command of their situation for the first time, her actions spoke louder than any words ever could.  The pain in both their faces. The kiss nearly melted my heart. Liv just brought everything back to the present moment. Insulating them from the past and the future that may never be. The reality that is them rather than the fantasy that may never happen for them. “There is no Vermont.” I nearly cried. Sealing their moment with that hungry kiss made me weak. So once again I was strongly an #Olitz fan but with #Olake not too far in the background. Quiver. Quiver.

And then just when I thought I could not be stunned anymore or there could not possibly be anything else that could be done. Jake turns up looking as fine as ever in his black turtle neck and pea jacket, as we called them back in the day, and appeared to shoot people he should not be shooting.  I mean after all isn’t he Command and doesn’t he know that he has been elevated to have people that do that sort of stuff for him. Or was he just trying to show that he is not just a pretty face but a cold and calculating murderer too so he can recruit those who never knew they were capable of being recruited into the elusive B613 into his fold. And whomever he recruited knows not to mess with him.

I don’t know but all I can say is hats off to Shonda Rhimes, her writers and the Scandal team for hurling me back into my addictive state of not being able to wait until the next episode of Scandal. How much more time until next Thursday… 6 days, 137 hours, 8220 seconds – but hey whose counting…

Bring it on @KerryWashington, @TonyGoldwyn, @ScottKFoley, @ ShondaRhimes, @ScandalABC.  Can’t wait to see what happens next. Next Thursday can’t come fast enough…

Taking the time to unravel our minds

When we start thinking of regrets and regrets only, that’s all life becomes. When we are too hard on ourselves for decisions we did not make rather than focusing on the decisions we did make, we forget the magic that happens every day for us.

When we focus on what we didn't do rather than on what we have done and are doing, life becomes a chore.

When we think we are standing still rather than looking at the small steps we are taking, life becomes too overwhelming for us.

Sometimes we just have to accept we are where we are meant to be even if it is not where we thought we would be. As there are no mistakes therefore we ought not to feel regret.

However we are human and because we are human, we will from time to time find ourselves trapped in a funky place. A place where there are nothing but regrets. Clouding our judgment. Putting us in a place of fear. And when we are in this place of fear, we lash out at those around us. Needing to find someone or something to blame for the place we find ourselves in. Rather than accepting that we are responsible for the choices we have made, the decisions we have not made, the opportunities we have chosen not to pursue, the paths we chose not to go down.

We cannot blame someone else for taking what we felt was our place because we opened the door for them to do so. We cannot become angry that life seems to be working out for everyone else around us while our lives seem to be going nowhere. Everyone is where they are based on decisions they have made and decisions they have made not. Including us.

When we do find ourselves in this place, The Waiting Room as Dr. Seuss so aptly called it, as we will from time to time, it is up to us to really ask what it is that we want from life, for our lives, in our lives then when receive the answer, be willing to take the chance, to step out there to be exposed rather than hiding in the place of blame and shame and regret. Rather than remaining in the Waiting Room. Afraid of making a mistake rather than continuing to feel we are living a mistake. 

Regret is what keeps us from seeing there is no such thing as a mistake. There are no mistakes in our lives – none whatsoever and we have to remind ourselves of that when we see opportunities pass us by. We need to shift our thoughts to tell ourselves that those opportunities were not meant for us yet. Only when we are ready will the time be right. Only when we are strong enough and brave enough to own our behaviors, our choices, our decisions, will we be able to take responsibility for our actions. Only then will we be able to step into the shoes of abundance and light with no regrets, no blame and no shame. Because we have taken the time to unravel our minds. Giving us the space to be who we are meant to be. Without regret. wWthout shame. Without blame.

Every day we are given signs

Every day we are given signs about where we want to be with our lives. Every day we are answered as to what to do next and where to be next. Every day something happens to let us know who is with us and who is not. Yet we choose to ignore these signs when they aren’t what we think we want. When we are afraid of making tough decisions. When we are worried about what others may say or think. Ignoring the voice, the voice that comes from deep within.

We are given clues all the time about what we are really feeling. Truly feeling from deep, deep within. Clues that bubble to the surface, float in front of us and sometimes smack us right in the face because we refused to listen. Refused to take heed. Leaving us wandering in the wilderness. Fumbling in the dark. Looking over our shoulders waiting for the moment we are in to be snatched away from us because we know it is not us. Never ours for the taking.

Every day there is something that nudges us. Pushes us to the place we are meant to be. Whispers to us from deep within instructions about what to do next. But sometimes we think we aren’t ready or do not have the tools to proceed.  But if we were to look back over our lives whenever we have been brave enough, trusted enough, had faith enough, doors have opened that we didn’t know even existed. Opportunities came that we thought were for the lucky ones. Not for people like us.

Until we realize there is no such thing as luck. Life is all about the choices we make, the people we surround ourselves with, the settings we choose to live and work in. Life is a reflection of who we are and where we are in our growth process. It is not about what anyone else is doing or has. It is all about what feels good for us and what gets us up in the morning. The gratitude we feel. The love we feel. The joy we feel. Because all of these feelings come for us. Our inner most selves. Our reservoir.

When we are feeling lost and afraid, we are being asked by life to stop, to sit, to contemplate, to really listen to the voice within because it is asking us to surrender to it. Asking us to listen to it. Asking us to accept what it is telling us because it is our master compass. Our chief navigator. Our light in the dark.

Only then can we accept, every day we are given signs, clues, answers to the questions, to the life, to the way we seek. Every day but we have to be willing to listen, to take heed and to do what we are being instructed to do particularly when we are afraid. Particularly when nothing makes sense. Particularly when the road seems rocky and without end.

Our lives, wherever we find ourselves, are reflections of who we are and where we are at the present moment. We attract who we are and reject who we are not. Simple but difficult at the same time.  The best way to live the lives we want is to listen, really listen to the voice within and the only way we can do that is to give ourselves permission to be with ourselves, truly with ourselves. Because every day we are given signs about where we want to be with our lives. Every day we are answered about what to do next and where to be next. It's just up to us to listen, to surrender, to take heed. Because no one can give us the life we want except us. No one but us.

The wolf in sheep's clothing

When we think all is all about us

When we think everything everyone does is about us

When we become so obsessed with our own agendas

That only our agendas matter

When we are convinced the world must come to a standstill when we want it to

Regardless of what anyone else wants

When we think we can say whatever we want to people

Because we are the only ones entitled to an opinion

Eventually those who we want to listen to us

Listen no more

Eventually those who we want to be in our presence

No longer see the point of our presence

Because we have cried wolf so many times

That when the wolf appears at our door

No one believes us

No one comes

Because the wolf never existed

The wolf was our imagination

No one else could see it

But us

Because we created it

To hide from who we are

To not see what we need to see about us

About who we truly are

On the inside

To not see we are the wolf

The one we created all along

That’s why we have to be sure

About the decisions we make

The things we say

The bridges we break

The doors we shut in the faces of those who would have stood by us

Because eventually people move on

Eventually people see the agenda is all about us

Without any regard for them

Eventually they become tired of the drama

The poor me victim stage

That we create to make others believe we are the victims

The wolves in sheeps’ clothing

When the victim is really the bully

Because really that’s what bullying is

Bullying is trying to make people

Do what we want

When we want it

And when we are ready to stop the shenanigans

When we want to go back

Sometimes there is no going back

Because we have set a new reality

Created new boundaries

That do not lead to what we want

Because eventually people become exhausted

Tired

Bored

Indifferent

Not full of hate

But just plain indifferent

To our cries

To our pleas

To our manipulative ways

Because eventually those people we have cast aside

Become strong enough to realize

That sometimes it is better to just leave well enough alone

To walk away from the drama

To keep the door closed that was closed for us

With forgiveness and love

But sometimes there are some

Who try to come back when we stop running to them

They try to manipulate by turning the tables

On the ones they pushed away

Believing it was the ones who were pushed that are at fault

When in fact no one is at fault

There is no fault

There is no blame

There is no hate

It is just the time has come when what was

Is no more

And can never be again

Because when we truly believe all is done to us

Not for us

When we think everything happens to us

Not for us

Eventually everything does become about us

And us alone

Standing all alone

Wondering how to get to the other side

How the bridge broke

How we lost the key to the door

We want to reopen

Eventually we do walk this path 

Have to walk it alone

And could walk it alone for a long time

If we don’t reconcile with ourselves

That we are the wolf

The wolf in sheep’s clothing

Words matter - Giving our girls the space to be the women they are meant to be

Saturday, March 8 marked the celebration of International Women’s Day and I had the privilege of reading lots of interesting articles about changing how we label our girls from being called bossy to being revered for showing signs of having leadership skills. How we should not dampen down our girls’ ability to lead and how we should not try to make them feel bad for having natural leadership skills. To encourage them to be who they are even when there are some who feel threatened by their natural ability to lead.

And I thought about my life and how I came into leadership at a very young age. I thought my leadership skills came when my mother died when I was 13 but I realize the ability to lead was something that was innate in me because of the surroundings I came from. The upbringing I had. The people I saw on my television screen. All these events and people were shaping my future without me even realizing they were.

I owe a lot of my “je ne sais quoi” to the place I grew up in – Bermuda – where women were making headlines. And fortunately they were women who looked like me – a brown girl with an eagerness to lead and not really knowing I had that knowingness at the time. And to those women who did not turn their backs on me. Who saw something in me that I did not see but encouraged me to bring her to the forefront. Bring me to me.

I used to watch the news and saw this woman called Lois Browne- Evans become a lawyer and become the first leader of the Opposition Party – a woman in the 1970s at that level for me to see during my formative years made me believe there was nothing that could stop me from being the leader I wanted to be either. It did not seem impossible for me to reach that status and neither did it seem unusual to me. I just had in my mind that women like me could be anything we wanted to be if she was the leader of the Opposition party and a lawyer and she was black. Which was not a big deal either because I grew up in predominantly black Bermuda – where I was the majority rather than the minority.

Then my mother died when I was 13 and while all my friends were busy trying to decide what  they were going to do after school and on the weekends, I was busy trying to figure out how to manage a household, do my school work and take care of my family because I was suddenly the head of my family. The one who held everyone together. The only woman, but still a girl, left amongst 4 men. Becoming a multitasking leader from the demands of life. Thrust upon me without even knowing I could or had those skills. Teaching me I can do anything even when I think I can’t as long as I believe I can.

And though there were those who said I would be a failure, what they didn’t realize was that life was preparing me to lead. Preparing me to stand on my own in many uncomfortable circumstances. Preparing me for people who would stab me in the back while smiling in my face. Preparing me to walk many roads alone and know that if I kept walking no matter how dark it seemed or how lost I felt, as long as I kept going, I would be rewarded. So I kept going. Closing my ears to those who disparaged me. Shut my eyes to those who taunted me. Blocked out the words of those who wanted me to fail.

Quite strangely I realized the more these people talked about me and expected less from me, the more I did what I had to do because no eyes were on me to succeed so I learnt to be that silent warrior who did not yell and scream and shout but the one who saw avenues that no one else saw or were too afraid to take because they were out of the ordinary. I also had along the way some very influential teachers, friends, relatives who saw something in me that was worth grooming and stood by me.

Because what I learnt after my mother’s death was that tomorrow is not promised to anyone. That no one lasts forever not even me. That if I want something from life I have to go for it even when others tell me it is not possible. Sure as I have grown older, I have become more reserved in what I go for but what I want my daughter and my son to know is that this life is theirs and theirs alone and there will be people along the way who will try to label them, take from them and make them feel inferior but in no way can those people do that to them unless they allow them to regardless of who those people may be. These naysayers and dream stealers may come in the form of teachers, relatives and friends and they can come in the form of people they least expect to hurt them.

So what I am teaching both my daughter and son by example is no matter how someone wants to label them or take from them, they have the ability to be whomever they want as long as they believe. And for those who believe my daughter is bossy, please keep your opinions to yourself because she is in her formative years and is developing the skills she needs to be the best woman she can be. And for all women let’s refrain from labelling each other in ways that are meant to be disrespectful and full of innuendos because we are raising the next generation of women who will carry our words on to the next generation and the next.

To my sisters, it’s up to us to stop the negative chatter and allow our daughters to fully step into their innate abilities without feeling like they have to be anyone other than who they are to be accepted by the female club. In celebration of International Women’s Day – we are raising the next generation of women who will be mothers, sisters, daughters, friends and we want them to be as whole as they can be so they can raise generations that will respect, honour and raise each other up. At the end of the day, we all come from women and the more we uphold the sanctity of womanhood, the better our world will be.

As Condoleezza Rice said, “Words matter.” Here’s to inspiring change through a mindset and language change in the sisterhood of Womanhood… women, the vessels through which all humankind come. Girls will one day be the women of tomorrow.

The long way home is sometimes better than the easy way

The weather that was threatening to come never came until late in the night, early this morning. At first making me question why I had travelled halfway across the country with multiple delays to get back home when if I had stayed with my original travel plans, I would have gotten home without all the hassle I went through.

Questioned why my instincts did not tell me I should stay where I was rather than fleeing and getting myself so exhausted from delayed flights and missed sleep. Questioned why I did not hear from the Universe that changing my plans was not the right thing to do. Beating myself up for being so worried about getting home that I probably did not listen to my gut telling me everything was going to be okay. Berating myself for reacting too quickly to news of bad weather from others rather that trusting myself to do what I had to do.

But then in the middle of the night when the thunder crashed and the lightning flashed and the rain beat down on my window panes, I finally understood why I went through what I had gone through to get home. Like the fierce lightning flashes outside, a bolt of inspiration and understanding flashed through me.

I knew the reason why I took the route I had to get home was because I was feeling really guilty about missing my children doing their events. Missing my son getting ready for his expedition this weekend. Missing my family. Well when I got off the airplane fully expecting to take a taxi home, there waiting for me outside and the first face I was was my husband. Lifting my spirits in ways he could not imagine.

I had been so tired when I got off the flight that the last thing I wanted was to have to make small talk with a taxi driver. All I wanted was the comfort of my home and my husband delivered that by being there waiting for me. Gave me my first reason for abandoning the easy way home to take the more difficult road home.

And then as we drove home, we spotted our son in the midst of his friends, loaded down with his backpack taking a break on a hill. Allowing me to roll down the window and shout out, “Hello son,” Waves of relief flooding through me to see he was okay and had done what he needed to do without me. Seeing his face filled with confusion as to how his parents were able to drive by him. At first too perplexed and embarrassed by our drive by to comprehend how we had managed to do pass him before the relief I was back home hit him allowing him to snap out of his confusion in time to shout back at me, “How was your trip?” Always the considerate son he is deep down inside. The experience of seeing my son when I was not expecting to see him until this afternoon was reason enough for me to take the long road home rather the short one.

And then I got home with the house to myself as my husband went back to work allowing me the time and space without feeling guilty about spending time with anyone to fall into a deep, deep sleep. My whole being telling me I needed to rest. Giving myself the permission to rest without feeling guilty because there was no one at home that I needed to talk to just me and rest. I slept for hours recharging myself.

My husband going to pick up our daughter from school so I could rest some more. And then when she came home, she came into the bed with me, resting her head full of curls in the nape of my neck. Her warmth and love spreading through me. Her pleased face that I was home enough to make the long journey home worth all the effort I had gone through. Worth giving up the easy way home for the more difficult way.

And so in the middle of the thunderstorm, high winds and the pounding rain that did not come when I thought it would but came much later on, I realized though I could have taken the easy path home, the more direct route, had I done so I would have missed out on all the wonderful surprises and treats that were waiting for me back home.  Allowing me to understand my gut had been right all along to take the long route home so that I could receive the gifts I received yesterday that were waiting for me to make the decision I had.

Telling me that sometimes the long and most difficult path home is the best path to take because at the end of it we appreciate more and open ourselves to receive more than when we always take the easy and most expected path. So happy to be home. So happy to have chosen the long and arduous route home rather than the easy one. Because I realized more than anything, we are always where we are meant to be. Always. Namaste.

A roundabout journey home teaches me about life

What an epic journey I have been on to try to beat the weather coming to Bermuda. To try to get home so I can spend some of the weekend with my children and my husband.
I decided to change my flight to get home early only to have spent the majority of the day yesterday in airports and on cancelled flights one after the other. I left Houston, Texas at 1.55 pm only to arrive in NYC at 1 am in the morning. More than twelve hours of travel. With each flight being so turbulent that there was silence on each flight. People silently waiting for the flights to end.
Me praying that I could get a flight, any flight that would get me into NYC on time to get my early morning flight to get back to Bermuda. I really started to panic when we sat at the gate for nearly two hours because there were no working toilets, hearing from the stewardess that the FAA requires there to be working toilets before an airplane can depart. Listening to her telling other passengers that if the plane did not take off soon,  it would have to be cancelled because LaGuardia has curfews on when flights can land. Me praying that something would happen to let me get to NYC.
Then after two hours of sitting they told us we would have to change airplanes because they could not fix the toilets and they did not know when there would be a substitute plane. I panicked even more, texted home to let everyone know what was going on. Telling my husband to record Scandal for me because I was going to miss it. After all I had to make sure that I didn't miss out on my indulgence because of airplane incidents. Thank goodness for modern technology. Not daring to tell him that part of the reason why I had chosen the route I had was because it would get me to NYC in time to see my favourite show. Once I knew it was not going to happen, I had to let my angst go.
We got off the airplane as they were announcing that the gate for the flight to JFK was being changed to a new gate. JFK when I was flying to LaGuardia to fly out of JFK this morning. I felt like I had been spoken to by my angels. I went to the gate agent and in the sweetest and most charming way as possible asked her if I could change form the LaGuardia flight to the JFK flight. She looked at me and told me no at first but I kept talking to her, telling her I had flown all the way from Houston, had been switched from one airplane to the next to sit on the runway for two hours and all I wanted was to get home to my children. I didn't shout or blame, I just asked. She looked at me again and switched me without question, She even bumped me up to the Premier seats. I thanked her profusely. Something in my journey finally working out.
After another bumpy flight, with no service from the stewardess because of how turbulent it was, we finally landed in JFK at about 12.30 in the morning, a whole 4 hours later than I was meant to get there but I was so grateful that I made it to NYC that the time did not matter. And I was even able to accept I had missed Scandal - just wasn't meant to be and hopefully my husband remembered to DVR it for me.
I eventually fell asleep for 2 hours to jump up to get to the airport for my 7.30 departure. Leaving early to beat the crowds only to find myself in the long security Jet Blue lines for nearly 40 minutes, watching people panicking because they had not allowed enough time for the lines. Having been thought what I had, I decided to let the stress go and accept I was where I was meant to be. Closer to home than I was the day before.
An epic journey that took me on a roundabout route with many delays and bumps but eventually got me to where I needed to be. The angst I felt, the anger I felt, the panic I felt giving way to calm because I knew I was learning an invaluable lesson about life - sometimes we will be rerouted, bumped here and there, encounter turbulence but when we have faith and do not lose patience, life always takes us where we are meant to be. Though I was 4 hours late, I ended up landing at the airport I wanted to land in the first place.
Now here's to hoping life intends for me to get home early today so I can pick my daughter up from school. Praying and asking you to pray with me too.

I am the light of my soul

This morning I woke up full of dark thoughts and that scarcity mentality that was pulling me down into the abyss. Making me feel like life is pulling me down. I had no inspiration to write because I was feeling so false, so inadequate. I mediated but the music somehow did not transport me to that place of release I needed so I got grumpier. Wallowing in my place of pity.

And then I searched for one of my favourite songs, Ave Maria and found it on You! Tube but when I clicked to play the song, I instead clicked on the song, I am the light of my soul by mistake. And these words came to be, I am the light of my soul. I am beautiful. I am bountiful. I am bliss. I am. I am. I am. I am.

When I heard those beautiful and lilting words. Truly heard them and felt them, I knew I did not click on that song by mistake, I was led there by my angels, my guides to focus me, to help me, to guide me because my soul was immediately lifted as my whole being began to cry in relief. 

Relief to to know that though there are several obstacles and trials that have come before me, the words to this simple but beautiful song grounded me. Reminded me that I am all that I am because of what I tell myself.

Yes there are people that are challenging me right now. Challenging me to question whether I am where I am able to accept that I am the light of my soul. Forcing me to question whether I truly believe that I am bountiful. To question whether I am bliss. Whether I am deserving of my beauty and the beauty that surrounds me.

So when I listened to this song particularly because I was feeling like I am standing still while everyone else around me seems to be moving at top speed, I closed my eyes and let those words fill me up. Helping me to see I am all that I am because I am. Letting me know there is nothing outside me that can control me unless I give my power, my soul, my beauty, my bountifulness, and my bliss away to them.

There is no one else that can be the light of my soul except for me therefore it is up to me to accept that I am the light of my soul particularly on those days when everyone around me is trying to make me believe that I have no control over that light. Particularly when they are trying to steal the light that I carry naturally within. I inhaled deeply those words allowing them to travel through every cell of my body. Letting each word ignite the light that resides within me. Allowing me to exhale fully and appreciatively. Until the light of my soul felt fuelled and ready to grow some more.Accepting of the challenges as means for growth. My growth.

Next I allowed the words that I am beautiful to flow through me. To allow me to see the beauty that resides within me so that I can see and feel the beauty in all things. Recognising that when I do I am released from feeling like I am not good enough. Allowing me to know that beauty comes from within. To know it is true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder because only the beholder can see true beauty by embracing beauty from within.The most beautiful comes from a place deep within us because it is us.

Allowing me to accept that I am bountiful. That I create either my bountifulness or my scarcity by what I believe about myself. Because what I believe about myself is what I bring into the room with me wherever I go. Even on those days when it feels like everyone around me is hoarding for themselves. Taking from me to have more. But when I tell myself I am bountiful I know I am deserving of the bountifulness and then something shifts. I no longer feel that I need to hoard to have more. I realise I have enough to share and in doing so more comes to me. When we trick ourselves into believing we deserve more than someone else we always end up with less. But when we know that we are bountiful, regardless of what anyone else has, we attract more.

Taking me to that place of bliss that lets me know that I am bliss. Bliss because I am so full of life. So full of all that is full of light, beauty and love allowing my being to resonate at a vibration that allows bliss to flow into my soul, my heart, my being lifting me up even when all around me seems dull and dark. Bliss is having the ability to accept everything and everyone comes to us to help us to reach our state of bliss. Accepting that bliss may not be readily available when we search for it but when we are accepting of where we are, we allow space for bliss to come in because I realise I am, I am. I  am.

So today because I am being seriously tested right now to see what it is that I really want, my mantra is:

I am the light of my soul

I am beautiful

I am bountiful

I am bliss

I am

I am

I am

I am

And already I feel myself floating, drifting, and totally being present in this flow of life. In this dance called my life journey with all its ups and downs. Letting go of expectation when I can to allow for all that I am to come to the surface with acceptance, peace, and gratitude because I am. I am. I am. I am.

I am who I believe I am. I am what I believe I am worthy of. And when I shift from telling myself what I am not to what I am, I become what and who I am capable of becoming because I am the light of my soul. I am beautiful. I am bountiful. I am bliss. I am. I am. I am…