Surrendering to the rose pink of the evening and morning

Last evening I sat at my desk at home staring out the window. Watching the sky change from blue to grey to hints of red as the sun began to fade for the day. Making way for the darkness to take over from the light. The natural progression of time.

I watched the stillness of the air. Trying to still my racing brain. Trying not to think about anything but just focusing on the puffy red clouds floating past. Trying to release one thought that was bombarding my mind at a time as each puffy cloud floated by.

Thinking of the Yoga class I had done at lunchtime and the Yoga teacher telling us to just surrender to the poses we were in. Remembering how good it felt to release the tensions I felt when I surrendered into the poses. Remembering the feeling of heat rushing through me when I did. Releasing out into the air. Thinking all I have to do is surrender to this moment. And just sit and watch the stillness and settling of the evening.

As nature was making way for the night to come in. Letting its natural order unfold.  No fuss. Not trying to deny it. Just letting it gently roll in as it was meant to do.

And then I thought why is it that nature lets the natural order of things happen on its own. It does not try to superimpose anything that is not meant to be there. So why do we? Nature doesn’t panic because there is a drought or there is too much rain or it is too cold or it is too hot. It just adjusts itself according to the situation it finds itself in and goes with the flow. It surrenders to its circumstances no matter how threatening those circumstances may be. Because it knows this too shall pass.

So why can’t we? Why do we make life so complicated and difficult? Layering challenge after challenge on top of each other. Trying so hard to make ourselves appear to be busy, stressed and overwhelmed as if they are badges of our worth.

When in fact what would serve us better would be to embrace each moment in our lives. Slowing down sometimes to stare out the window and watch the wonders of nature unfold. Watch the day turn into night. Listen to the birds doing their evening call. Listen to our children playing. Accept that it is okay sometimes to just surrender and be still.

And then we will see and understand that it is in the moment of our surrender that we understand we are a part of something so magical. So wonderful. So abundant. And we will inhale and exhale with gratitude as our bodies, minds and souls remember we are all here for a reason. We are all necessary. And if we stopped searching all the time for the next best thing and instead focused on the beauty and magic that unfold before us each and every day we would know to be patient and accepting because our lives, just like nature, are unfolding as they are meant to.

This morning I am staring out the window at the breaking dawn. The sky reminding me so much of the twilight sky the evening before that I feel as if I am in the same moment as I was last evening. But I know it’s different because it’s another day and time. Reminding me that even when we feel we have not progressed because everything feels and looks the same, nothing is ever the same because we change every second, every minute, every hour of every single day. And just like nature and time we just have to roll with it. Surrender to it. Enjoy our stillness whenever we can. Give ourselves time to breathe and appreciate so we can see there is enough in this world for each one of us to be all we can be.

Why birthdays are special to me

Yesterday someone told my daughter for religious reasons she does not celebrate birthdays and she does not see any point in celebrating them because all we’re doing is getting older.

To say I was horrified that someone could try to steal the magic and innocence from my child on her birthday is an understatement. Particularly since my daughter was so excited about turning 9. And so excited to be considered special. It didn’t seem to bother her on the surface but I knew it had had a profound effect on her because she repeated the comments to me.

I did not want to seem like I was being judgemental of the person to my daughter because the person that said it, did not say it with malice. She said it because that’s what she believes and she has every right to believe what she wants. And I also did not want to steal any more thunder from my daughter’s special day.

So I thought about how to talk to her about the comments very carefully. I took a deep breath then went deep within. Allowing that place of quiet to help me to find peace with the person’s comments. Sifting  through the messages that were flowing through my wind. Trying to find an answer that would not appear to be judgemental of the person but at the same time still made my daughter feel special.

Then the answer came as clear as day to me. I told my daughter with conviction, love and truth, “The reason why we celebrate birthdays is because we are celebrating getting older. Celebrating being given the gift of time. Celebrating waking up to another day on this Earth. Of being given the opportunity to be more. Do more. Give more. Love more. And to be grateful for all the abundance we have in our lives.”

I told her aging is not something to fear because it is something we all do. Something that we cannot defy except when we die. And even then we are not defying the process of aging; we are merely succumbing to the next stage of our development and growth.

My daughter didn’t answer me but I could tell from her expression that she got what I said. That she appreciated what I said. And you know what I learnt something to in the process because I realised it’s aging that reminds me of how wise I am becoming with each birthday that comes and goes. My birthday allows me to reflect on from whence I have come to where I am on my date of birth. It is a day of remembrance that I came here from an act of love and I am here for a reason. 

May we continue to see and celebrate many more birthdays if that is our so desire.

The gift of possibility, motherhood and womanhood all wrapped in one

Today is the day my beautiful daughter arrived in my life nine years ago. Eight days early. Eyes wide open. Shooting across the table. Making her entrance into the world. Crawling up my belly feeding right away. Determined. Knowing exactly what she wanted and did it. Showing me her personality right away. And true to form that’s exactly what she is like to this day.

Nine years ago, my daughter taught me an invaluable lesson. She taught me through the way she came into this world that anything is possible.

My son had to be born via C-Section because he started to come fifteen days early then changed his mind and decided to go back so they had to perform an emergency C-Section to deliver him. Devastating me. But at the same time I was happy to have a healthy child. 

Four years later, my daughter decided to come eight days early but then wasn’t sure either. I was forty years old. My water had broken but not in the same gushing way that it had done with my son. I was on my way to playground duty at my son’s school when I felt a trickle so we dropped our son off to school then went to the hospital not sure if I was having our baby or not.

My water had broken we discovered but I had no labour pains. No labour at all. So I had to walk around the hospital all day waiting for something to happen. Nothing happened. My doctor decided that after 12 hours they didn’t want the baby to stay inside me for any longer with my water haven broken. So she gave me the choice of having another C-section, which was highly recommended by everyone because of my age and the fact I had had a C-Section with my son, or I could be induced to try to have the baby naturally.

The nurses explained the potential complications that could result if I was induced after having a C-section. Particularly with a woman my age. My husband didn’t want me to have any complications so he was trying to convince me to have the C-section. But I was determined to have my daughter naturally. I knew I was never going to have another baby and I wanted to experience what it was like to have a baby in the way we are meant to have them.

So despite protests by everyone, I decided I wanted to be induced. I put myself into a meditative state. Asked the Universe for the strength to bring my daughter. Called upon the power of all the women who had laboured and birthed before me to help me deliver a healthy baby. Asked the spirit of my mother to help me to bring my daughter into this world. Talked to my unborn daughter asking her to come to me naturally.

At 9pm on Wednesday night I walked into my birthing room, complete with a photo of my mother as my focal point. Soft music playing in the background. Candles flickering in the background and my husband by my side. My son safely at home with a good friend of ours. And closed my eyes and waited. The nurses gave me a minor dose of pitocin to induce my labour. One hour went by and nothing happened.

Ten o’clock they came back and tried to once again convince me to have a C-Section. They were worried about what could happen to me if they increased the dosage. My husband was worried. But I was determined to try so I said no I wanted the increased dosage of pitocin. So they upped it and then within an hour  a pain so intense hit me that I instantly and instinctually grasped my husband around his neck and squatted. After the pain subsided I swayed my hips from side to side. I had read that by doing that my daughter would stay in the correct  position to be birthed. And each time thereafter when the pain came I squatted. Within an hour and a half I was fully dilated and ready to push her out.

Forty five minutes later after being told to sit by my obstetrician, at 12.45 am on the Thursday, my daughter made her grand entrance into the world by shooting across the table. Letting out a mighty cry. Looking around the room. Taking everyone and everything in. The relief and pride that filled my body, mind and soul is like nothing I can ever explain. But even as I am typing I can still feel the sensation of that accomplishment flowing through me. I felt like an Amazon woman. Like there was nothing I could not accomplish in this world. Like I had been given the greatest gift as a woman. To be able to bring my daughter into this world in the way my body, the body of every woman, is designed to do was a huge triumph for me.

I yelled, “I did it!” And tears flowed down my face from sheer joy. They placed her on my stomach and she pushed her way up my belly attaching herself to my breast and started to feed. A miracle in itself. I was euphoric and so was my husband.

My daughter’s entrance  into this world reminded me of what I am capable of when I set my mind to it. When I follow my intuition. When I do what feels right for me not what everyone else wants me to do. And to her I am truly grateful.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful girl who came into this world eyes wide open, ready to take it on, giving me the best gift any woman can ask for. The gift of  possibility, motherhood and womanhood all wrapped in one.

The greatest lessons often come from our emotional outbursts

Monday morning Blues. When the weight of the world seems to rest on my shoulders. When the power woman starts to emerge suffocating the creative one. When my brain goes into overdrive projecting into moments that have not even happened yet. Taking my breath away. Making me worry.

I woke up this morning feeling the heat. Not a physical heat but a mental heat. Worried about what the day will bring. Worried about what tomorrow will bring. Worried about what the week will bring. Worried about my future.

Worried about wasting time and not doing what I am meant to be doing. Hearing the alarm clock go off even though I was awake way before it went off. Waiting for it to go off then when it did turning it off and still not getting out of bed. Still not ready to face the day because of the heat that was coursing through my body.

Staring at the minutes ticking by. Trying to steal as many moments as I could in bed where it is safe. Where I don't have to make any decisions. Where no one is watching me with disapproval or expectation.

Allowing my eyes to close again and before I know it fifteen minutes had slipped by. Jumping up startled when I see how quickly time has passed me by. Worried that I wasted precious time to do what I love to do most write and explore my feelings. Harnessing them to see where I am.

Remembering the exchange I had with my son last night about his fears of failing. About him not wanting to try because he was afraid that if he did he would fail. Telling him emphatically that the greatest failure in life is when he doesn’t do at all. My whole body shaking in anger as I told him, rather judgementally as I reflect back, that failure does not come from trying and not succeeding.  It comes from not trying at all.

Realising that the reason I reacted so explosively to him was because he was mirroring what was going on inside me. He was my teacher rather than me being his. Knowing I must apologise to him today to tell him that he taught me and reminded me that I am a product of my failures and my successes. For reminding me I would never know who I am or what I am capable of if I did not try.

Lying in bed. Grouchy about Monday morning. Not attempting. Hiding on the sidelines. None of these choices are good ones for me or for my son or for anyone if we are ever to find what it is we need in life. Mediocrity does not allow us to blossom. It just creates frustration. Jealousy and stagnation. Because we never know our powers until we try. Until we fail. And try again. Until we find the path that feels right for us.

So here’s to Monday morning blues pushed aside and me out of bed looking out the window at the possibility that exists out there and in my mind when I try not when I let life slip me by.

There is good and evil in us all

There is good and evil in all of us. Depending on where we are in life. Where we are in our growth. What lessons we are meant to learn. How strong our ego is versus our inner compass.
Last night my daughter and I went to see the Broadway show, Wicked. And I was pleasantly surprised by the message I took away from it. I was fully expecting it to be trite and in some places it was. But what came across clear as day to me was the dichotomy of human nature.
Wicked is a fictional story about how Alphaba, the "evil witch" became known as the "Wicked Witch" and how Glinda, the "good witch" became known as the  "Good Witch". And essentially the story is about how perception, prejudiceness, beliefs and lack of exposure and education can colour our view of people, places and things without us fully understanding why. Wicked is a parody about life. About our insecurities. About ego.
Alpahaba was conceived in an affair between the Governor's wife and a young man who went on to become the Wizard of Oz. So she carried genes from the human world and the magic world. Hence she came out green - different from anyone else. And she had these special powers that she did not understand nor could she contain because they only manifested when she was provoked or made angry. Because she was green and because her powers manifested when she was angry she thought she was evil and so did her parents.  And so did everyone she met. She was never loved by her father and was blamed for all the evil that fell upon her family.
And then  there was Glinda, the perfect blond, with the perfect upbringing. The one who got everything she wanted because of the way she looked and her status in life. She was manipulative and cunning but because of how the world views people that look like her and come from the "right background" as she did, she was able to make people believe she was good even when she was looking them in the face while simultaneously stabbing them in the back.
Alphaba and Glinda were thrust upon each other in school and were forced to become roommates by the Headmistress, who was manipulating everyone to sanitize the world in the way she thought fit.
It was only after being forced together that they realised they were good and evil at the same time. All Alphaba wanted was to be loved and accepted. Instead of being thought of as a freak. Glinda wanted and expected to be a star because that's what life had made her believe.
The headmistress saw the powers in Alphaba and immediately took her before The Wizard of Oz who had no powers at all. But needed someone to carry out his and the headmistress's plans to sanitize the world. And they saw it in Alphaba. But Alphaba having being ostracised for the majority of her life wanted no parts in helping to do the same to others who were like her. She wanted the world to have people and animals from all different walks of life. She wanted the different and unusual to remain and to be accepted. She wanted to be thought of as good. Not evil. But what they expected of her was to be evil so she ran away.
It was only then that the headmistress devised a plan to have the world believe that Alphaba was evil and spread the word throughout the land. Before long, everyone feared Alphaba. Her name became  synonomous with everything that was evil. Easily done because of the way she looked. Forcing Alphaba into hiding.
Glinda emerged as the star she always wanted to be. The Good Witch. The Beautiful Witch pitted against her only true friend. Eventually Glinda betrayed Alphaba by telling the Headmistress how she could capture Alphaba when she discovered the man she loved, loved  Alphaba instead.
Glinda was reeling from having something go against her wishes. She was not used to that feeling. And what she discovered was that she was a sore loser and did not like being second best. Despite loving Alphaba she loved herself more and betrayed her best friend. Handing her over to the people. Who threw cold water on her and she evaporated never to be seen again.
Wicked is all about how the ego can shroud our vision. How it can easily obscure the good in all of us and push to the forefront the evil that lurks deep within us all. Ego is what makes us want to be number one at the expense of everything and everyone and leaves us feeling empty inside.
It is also the story of how easily we can be manipulated by heresay rather than trusting our own inner voices. It is about judgement and condemnation prior to even knowing the truth. It is a wonderful story for us all to remember that every single one of us has a story to be told. A life that is the result of our upbringing, surroundings, looks, and belief systems. A life where we want to be accepted, acknowledged and loved and we all have to be careful about judging before we know someone else's true story.
Wicked was a reminder to me that the green eyed monster of the ego is always lurking beneath the surface waiting to be manipulated by the puppet master who needs it the most. Remembering there is good and evil in each one of us. And in order to be balanced we must learn compassion, understanding and patience. Because the tables are always turned so we can feel the same pain we are inflicting on others. And vice versa.

Walking in the rain with the one I love

Yesterday was Bermuda day. The day my little Island comes together to celebrate what it means to be in Bermuda. When the Island comes together to watch the half marathon which attracts people from all walks of life, races, nationalities, cultures and ages. And this year was a huge success with over 800 people taking part. There are fitted dinghy races and the Bermuda Day Parade – when Front Street is closed down to traffic and floats, dancers and others take to the streets to celebrate. A day when there is something for everyone.

I woke up yesterday morning with the intention of going with my family to watch the runners. None of my family was interested in going. So I decided to use going to the race as my exercise for the day. I walked down to Crow Lane. Standing with friends  I had not seen for a while. Surrounded by a multitude of people that matched the runners – people of different ages, races, nationalities, and cultures. All gathered in the spirit of cheering on the runners. Starting the day off with joy.

I soaked in the positive energy that everyone was exuding. Looking at the faces of everyone and seeing the pure joy, happiness and anticipation on their faces. Feeling that everyone had let go of all their trails, tribulations, worries, fears and apprehensions to be in the moment. To lend support to those who had chosen to run. Feeling the energy of the crowd transferring from one person to the other building on the joy. Knowing that we are all capable of experiencing joy in our lives when we shift our energy. When we focus on the good rather than the bad. When we support rather than take away.

After watching the runners come through, I started my walk back home. Full of love and joy. As I walked I felt little sprinkles tickling my body. I watched as the day became darker by the minute as black and heavy rain clouds took over the sky. As I walked further away from the crowd, the heavens opened and the rain came down in buckets. Pelting me furiously. Relentlessly.

Within seconds I was soaked to the skin. There was nothing I could do to change the situation. Nowhere to hide from the rain. So I decided to just go with it. And then the worry I had initially about getting wet, about ruining my hair, about being splashed vanished and was replaced with a euphoria that I can’t explain.

I started singing, “Walking in the rain with the one I love. Feels so fine.” I listened to the pounding rain all around me. The splashing of vehicles as they went by.  The sound of my voice singing. And then I stopped thinking why in the world am I singing about walking in the rain with the one I love when I am on my own. But the song kept coming back to me. Haunting me. Filling me with pure joy.

And then as the rain came down even harder. As my vision became obscured. As cars drove by and splashed me from head to toe, suddenly I knew and understood why. I was in fact walking in the rain with the one I love. I was walking with myself. My whole self. Taking in the rain. Feeling it filling my soul. The tanks of all those Bermudians who had prayed for rain. Filling my heart.

And then the rain and I became one as I expressed my gratitude to it for reminding me that even on the darkest and dreariest days, there is always sunshine. There is always joy. There is always someone to love. Because I am love. And I am always where I am meant to be.

When I walked up the stairs to my house, my front door opened. And there standing waiting for me was my family. My children and husband  looking at me with both concern and amusement. My husband handing me a towel. All of us laughing at the state I was in.

I stepped out of my wet clothes. Out of the wet outside. Bringing with me the joy and love I had experienced in the rain to my family as I wrapped myself in the towel. Closing the door to the outside and the rain.  But bringing the lesson with me to my family. Feeling totally and wholly loved and satisfied. Full of joy. 

What a wonderful Bermuda day.

Replacing why me with yes me

Remembering to give thanks for answers to prayers. For answers to directions. For answers to questions to the Universe. Remembering to take the time to reflect. To be still. To empty my mind of asking.

Sometimes I spend my days asking, seeking, testing, pleading. Questioning why me? Questioning why life seems so easy for others but an uphill battle for me.

Last night I sat on the edge of my bed and reflected about my life. About the prayers I have whispered to the Universe. About the questions I have asked over and over again. About where I am heading in my life. About why I am not getting the answers that I need. About why I feel like my path is being obscured from me. I questioned why truth was being hidden from me?

I closed my eyes and let my mind wander. Without trying to direct it. Without trying to interfere with the path it wanted to take. Without question. And I realised I have been blessed with so many gifts and treasures from the Universe already. I held my head low and felt shame run through me. Shame because I have been so focused on what I want that I have forgotten what I already have and what I have already been given.

I thought about situations I believed I was not strong enough to handle. And how well I had handled them. About people that have come into my life to challenge me. Irritate me . And how well I had handled them. Of how with each challenge I learned a little more about myself and others. And then I realised that instead of uttering why me, I will start saying yes me. I will deal with the challenges head on in the best way I know how. Because only then will I see the blessings, gifts and treasures in everything and everyone that comes before me.

And I felt the shame be replaced with a full heart. A grateful heart. A loving heart. And I felt an intense gratitude for my life.  For every encounter.  Every person. Because they are the answers I am seeking. The response to my pleadings.  They are my truth.

So I have decided that instead of praying and pleading for answers, I will try instead to say thank you over and over again. To give myself some time to see the daily gifts and treasures that are bestowed upon me by the Universe.  To shift my energy so that I can feel the true essence of the spirit flow through me.

Because as Louie Hay says, “Life is really very simple. What I give out, I get back. What I believe becomes true for me.”
And for learning to embrace the power of gratitude, the power of intention, the power of  introspection, and the power of reflection I am truly grateful.

Even the most beautiful rose has thorns

May 23, 1976, I am standing at the patio screen door. Looking out at my brothers and my uncle playing cards. Laughing. Joking around. Wondering how they can even play cards. How they can even laugh when we will be going to bury my mother. Our mother, His sister. Very shortly.

I look down at the dress I am wearing. The black dress that makes me look so grown up. The black dress that under different circumstances I would have been proud to be wearing. The black dress that is very similar to my beautiful sister’s dress. And I feel guilty for feeling like I look good.

How am I supposed to feel when very shortly we will be putting my mother in the ground. Throwing soil over her then sealing her body in cement. Never to be seen again. I am standing at the door looking at them. Trying to see them. Trying to understand why. Trying to take it all in.

And then I see hidden behind their laughter and playing cards is fear. They are trying to distract themselves. To take their mind off what we are about to do. I feel better somehow but worried too. If adults can’t fix everything, who can?

What are we meant to do when the lights of our dreams are turned out? What happens when the path we thought we were on is suddenly covered in thorns? Threatening to rip us apart with every step we take. What happens when we feel guilty about every breath we take wishing we could breathe no more? What happens when we question who we are and why we are here? What happens then?

That was 36 years ago and that memory is imprinted on my mind. May 23, 2012, what I realise is that it is not a bad memory but a memory that lets me remember that no matter how bad I think it is. No matter how confusing I think it is. No matter how dark the day may seem. And how afraid I am. The path is always there. Always waiting for me. Willing me to move. Challenging me to dig deep and to keep stepping forward. To keep walking into the unknown. To not stop because even in the darkest hour we are being a gift. And it is up to all of us to continue and to remember, even the most beautiful rose has thorns.

Transcending the ego

I left my house yesterday morning flush with confidence and purpose. Ready to take on the world and everything that came my way because I had spent a glorious weekend indulging me. Listening to my inner voice. Doing nothing when I felt like doing nothing. Completely stepping out of the box and accepting that sometimes it’s okay to be rather than doing.

I felt after reading Deepak Chopra’s words in the O magazine that I had conquered my ego issues and was able to deal with anger, feelings of displacement, jealousy , etc,. Wrong. As my Spiritual Mother always says be careful what you ask for. Or be careful what you project to the Universe

Every test that could come my way yesterday came my way. To see if I could contain my anger. To see if I could detach myself from my ego. And it was really difficult to do so at first. It was really hard not to jump into the fray. To show my claws. To be as aggressive as those who were aggressive with me. But I did it and I have to admit it felt really strange. I felt like I was having an out of body experience with each test. I felt like I was physically detaching from the confrontations I found myself in and was looking at myself and the others engaged in battle from a place outside of myself. Their voices were muted. Their expressions animated. Even tormented.

During each encounter I felt like I was being cowardly because I did not jump in to defend myself. I felt like I was letting people walk all over me. Because I did not combine my energy with theirs. But then once each confrontation passed, I felt good about not getting angry. Not adding fuel to the fire.  And then I realised I was being tested. And once I did, my awareness grew and each confrontation thereafter became easier to let go.

What I realised was once I recognised I was being tested, I dropped the need to be feel superior. To exert my influence. I recognised it was better if I did not try to extinguish my ego but to transcend it instead. And what I realised most is with each ego derived response to the tests, I was tested again and again. Because the Universe is constantly sending us what we need to become the best we can be. The most compassionate we can be. Here’s to another day. May I continue to transcend my ego. May I continue to recognise that I cannot take myself too seriously because once I do, tests arrive to show me I am just as vulnerable as the next person.

In the place of uncertainty therein lies creativity and purpose

Yesterday morning instead of jumping out of bed, I closed my eyes for a minute and just let the silence come back in. And I listened to it. Heard it. Allowing me to realise that if I was going to get out of bed and enjoy the day with my family I had to stay in the moment. I had to not think of anything beyond the moment of time I was in. And as long as I did, I would see that everything is as it is meant to be. I am where I am meant to be. I can’t go back and change what happened the moment before and I can’t move ahead and change what is to happen in the future.

I got out of bed and read a quote from Deepak Chopra in the O magazine, “...if you get the idea that this is the moment you have- the only moment you have – then you live in the present and you move with the flow because this is the point, right now. ...I embrace the wisdom of uncertainty, because if everything is certain, where is the creativity?”

And then I breathed because I remembered from deep within my core. This is the only moment I have. I got on with my day enjoying every moment of it for what it brought me. Walking along the beach with my family. Looking out at the horizon feeling the possibility that exists even in the midst of haze. Listening to the sound of the ocean. Watching my children jumping off the rocks. Walking side by side with my man. Inhaling the fresh air. Savouring the moment. Not thinking about the second before. The minute before. The hour before. The day before. Not trying to capture the second to come. The minute to come. The hour to come. Or tomorrow.

Knowing that the moment I was in was all I had. Feeling gratitude flowing through me. Releasing the tension. Releasing the frustration. Releasing the desire to correct what I cannot. Enjoying the feel of my energy shifting. Embracing the feelings of  possibility, love, life and purpose.  

Coming back from our walk. Feeling flushed with purpose. To just be in the moment. Baking cookies with my daughter. Cooking my family a meal. Ending our family day with the four of us tightly packed in our queen size bed watching the movie,  Hugo. Receiving even more unexpected gifts from the Universe from the movie.

 Hearing the little boy Hugo say, Machinery has no extra parts. Each part is necessary for it to work. Telling his friend he knew he was not an extra part and he knew she was not an extra part so he knew he had to be here for something as he knew she was. Allowing me to remember I am here for a purpose too. I am not a spare part but a vital part. Remembering we each add a part to the machinery we call life and we are all here for a purpose.

That’s how we ended our family day together, the four of us lying on our bed watching Hugo understand that without purpose we are broken. Reminding me it is up to me to find and live my purpose even on those days when I wake up in a haze. Because it is those days that allow me to seek my truth. To be my truth and to understand that I am the truth because I am all that I am.

And that rather than resisting uncertainty, I shall embrace its wisdom because only then will my creativity flow allowing me to capture and live my life’s purpose.

The Power of a Woman Circle

Last night I had a wonderful unplanned night. Everything I had planned cancelled at the last minute. Leaving me the time to go to a friend’s house, between dropping off and picking up children, to hang out with a group of women. 12 of us. Diversified in our own right. From Bermuda. Ireland. Canada. England. Switzerland. America. All together sharing a common bond of womanhood. Sisterhood.

Exchanging stories ranging from books, to breasts, to love, to desires. To tattoos. To men. To menopause. That’s the beauty of a woman circle. Nothing is off limits. Nothing is out of bounds. We share when the energy is right. We affirm each other. Let each other know we are okay. We are not alone.

Drinking wine. Eating food. No one outdoing the other. Each woman bringing her own story. Sharing as much of herself as she could and wanted to.

Laughing. Talking. No boundaries. No borders. Different cultures. All of us in our late forties and up. Reminiscing about life. No one judging. Some of us strangers at first. But by the end we were hugging each other like we were long lost friends.

The differences between us blurring with the commonality of womanhood. Humankind. Of the fact that no matter where we come from we are all the same at the core. With the common quest for a sense of belonging. Of understanding.  Of love.

A wonderful end to what began as a sad day. I felt my mother watching over me. Through the eyes of every woman that was there. Surrounding me. Embracing me with that womanly love. That love that can be so strong. Full of compassion when we allow it to flow naturally.

Then towards the end, a teenage daughter of one of the women came out to join in our circle of women. Snapping photos of us randomly. Capturing the spirit of the moment. The essence of the woman spirit. I looked across at the young lady hoping she will do as we women were doing, continue the circle of women. Passing the energy around. Giving each other something special, filling each other’s well.

And then the night was over for me as I had to rush off to pick up my son. Filled to the brim with the love, compassion and sharing of 12 women who had sat around in a circle passing the talking stick from one to the other. Giving each other the strength and confidence to be.

To my friend who organised it and brought us together. Women from all walks of life Women from different cultures. Women from different beliefs. Reminding us we are all the same no matter where we come from. Thank you.

An Indescribable Pain gives me wings

May 18, 1976, I am standing on the hill hanging out with my friends. I see my da’s car snaking slowly down the hill. A chill runs through me. No matter how hard I try I can’t pull my eyes away from the car. My friends are shouting and playing around behind me. Having a good time. I feel like they are in a different dimension to me. Though I can hear them, I feel like they are far away. Muted sounds. Something deep within my core is chilled. It is only when the car moves out of my sight that I snap out of the trance. I shake my body. Hug myself. Letting the coldness seep out. I turn and go running back to my friends. Shaking the feelings of dread. Pushing them to the back of my mind.

A few hours later just before dusk, my brother comes looking for me. I know instantly when I see his face that something is wrong. Once again that feeling creeps back in.

“You need to come home,” he says.

“No, I’m having fun,” I answer.

“You need to come home now,” he says again, not smiling. Demanding.

I don’t want to go. I want to stay where I am. It feels safer here. But I go. He walks in front of me. Not speaking. Not looking at me. He disappears in the house before me. Leaves the door ajar behind him. I hear voices. Strange voices. My heart races. I walk through the kitchen door slowly. I feel like I am going to suffocate. The air is so thick. There are people here. People that aren’t usually here. And then I hear my sister say to someone on the phone, “She’s gone.”

I look at her. I look round the kitchen. And I know because I can’t breathe. I know because deep in my core something has broken. Died. I know and I scream, “Who’s gone? Who’s gone?” Over and over again. Like a broken record. Trying to drown out the news.

They stare at me. They don’t know what to say. A tear rolls down my sister’s face. I start to shake. I can’t breathe. I look from face to face. Then my little brother runs into the room. His little face broken. “Mama’s dead!” he cries. “Mama’s dead.” Like a broken record. Like a startled child.

And then I hear a piercing scream. And then I feel my body retch. And then I feel arms around me. Guiding me. Trying to protect me. And then I realise the scream is mine. The pain is mine. And I can’t stop it. They can’t stop it. No one can.

My worst nightmare has come true. My best friend. The love of my life. My mama is gone. Dead. Just like that. No goodbye. Nothing. Just disappeared. Gone. I feel like I have broken into a trillion, bazillion tiny little fragile pieces and I scream some more.

May 18, 2012 and I still feel the pain I felt when I heard the news. When my life changed unexpectedly. Instantly. And without warning. Some 36years later I still feel like that 13 year old girl when I first wake up. It happens every May 18. Some years worse than others. Some years better than others. But now I understand that pain. I know that pain has given me the wings to be who I am. That pain allowed me to grow in ways I would never have dreamed possible before. That pain taught me forgiveness, compassion, empathy and love. And that pain comes every year to remind me.

May 18 is always a sad day for me but also a day for me to recollect from whence I have come. To be grateful for the time I had with my mother. To be grateful for all her life and death has taught me. And continues to teach me.

May 18 a day of reverence for me. Rest in peace mama. I will always love you. And thank you for teaching me “I wasn’t built to break."

Writing from a place of Honesty and Authenticity

The blog I wrote yesterday about being in the mud evoked strong emotions from people who read it. The feedback I got from it was amazing. Simply because I was speaking my truth.

One of my friends told me she admires my honesty, authenticity, and my willingness to share.  She said some people will never be able to be as self-reflective and aware as I am. Making me realise this is why I write.

I then decided to watch the BET awards last night. I wasn’t sure why but I felt compelled to watch it even though I had DVRed it ages ago. But last night I wanted to see Dr. Maya Angelou being awarded for her contribution to Literacy. And once again I knew I was being delivered a message from the Universe when Dr. Angelou said in her Thank You speech, “I write the Human Truth.... I come as 1 but I stand as 10,000. ...What you learn, teach. What you get, give.”

Tears rolled down my face. Chills ran up and down my spine. As I understood why I write. I understood why I am here and why each and every day I feel compelled to give through my writing and it is because I have been given this gift of writing to share. To write my human truth as Dr. Angelou does. To share my life experiences and lessons honestly, openly and authentically in the best way I know how. By writing. To help myself to grow and in the process to help those who follow me to grow as well. By writing from a place of compassion, empathy and understanding. From a place of honesty and authenticity. From a place of truth and seeking.

To know that though each of us may come as one, each of us stands together with shared experiences reaching back through the human experience. Passed down from generation to generation. Evoking feelings, memories and hope within us that we forget we have. Instilling the desire within us to live authentic lives because we have the blood, sweat and tears of those who have gone before us, who paved the way for us, to be where we are today as a part of our DNA.

We are not alone. We are never alone. Because each and every one of us has the spirit of the human consciousness as our guide if we are willing to listen to it, honour it, and be grateful for it.

Many question why I write and if I am afraid of what people will say. And sometimes I do question why I write. Sometimes I do question what people will say. But now I remember why I write, through one of the greatest connectors of our time, Dr. Maya Angelou. I write because I write my Human Truth. The Human Truth.
Thank you Dr. Angelou for knowing why the Caged Bird sings and giving writers like me the confidence to write and grow. 

Pick your friends wisely

I was reading my Florida sister’s blog, @The Daily Own, called 12 Lesson Everyone Should Know. And it was this lesson that resonated with me, "If you get in the mud with the pigs, the mud is bound to come off on you.  So pick your friends wisely."

A light bulb went off in my head about why I was feeling so dirty yesterday. It forced me to reflect on an experience I had when I sat in judgement about someone else. Said horrible things about the person because they have said horrible things about me. And it did not feel right deep down in my soul when I said the things I said or afterward either.

My philosophy in life is two wrongs don’t make a right. And just because someone says something hurtful about me does not give me the right to try to hurt them back. Because if I do, I am jumping in the mud and getting covered in it.

I do not like being dirty. And I most definitely do not like being in the mud with pigs. And now I know, yesterday I allowed my ego to take over. Used my ego to make myself feel strong. To feel like I had risen above the attacks of others. But in fact all I did was end up waist deep in the mud. Feeling guilty. Reckless and ashamed that I had.

So reading my sisters’ blog helped me tor remember that I need to be careful about allowing my ego to get in the way of the light, love and peace I want in my life. Because the only way I am going to attract them and keep them in my life is to give them. We always get what we give. It’s the laws of the Universe.

So today I am planning to shower for that little while longer. Washing that mud off my body. Out of my soul and spirit. Cleansing my mind of the guilt and shame for reducing myself to that level. Forgiving myself for doing what I did. Forgiving the person for the unkind words they have been uttering about me. Surrendering to the lesson that I was meant to learn from getting in the mud. And going back out into the world as the beacon of light, love and peace that I am.

And for my sisters in Florida @The Daily Own for reminding me about how much I dislike being in the mud, I am truly grateful.

The Daily Own

Doing small things with great love

This weekend a friend and I were sending each other emails talking about where we are in life, where we thought we would be in life and where we would like to be in life. We met some thirteen years ago when we were at pivotal and transitional periods of our lives. When we became new mothers. When we changed our lives to become full time mothers. To understand what our new  roles meant. To conquer motherhood as we had done in our pervious lives as corporate women.

We used to walk and talk for hours, pushing our boys, trying to right the Universe. Trying to understand where we were in our lives and what motherhood meant to us. We spent lots of time together talking philosophically about everything. She from England. She from a creative career. Me from Bermuda. Me from an analytical career. Two different women from two different cultures, backgrounds but brought together for a common cause to provide companionship to each other during a period of significant growth. To help each other. To direct each other. To contradict each other. To pick each other up.

She was in my life for three solid years. Then she left. Went back home. And though we stay in touch, it changes according to where we are in our lives. According to whether there is a need for us to be in each other’s live consistently or not. Lately we have been more in each other’s lives because we are on the cusp of something again. Something we can’t figure out. So once again we are fully immersed in each other – some ten years later. Living vicariously through each other. Challenging each other to be the best woman, mother, wife, friend, sister that we can. Sending each other long emails about life, people, opportunity, marriage, motherhood, psychology, spirituality. She in England. Me in Bermuda. Two different women from two different cultures brought together again to help each other grow.

On Mother’s Day we connected in a major way. Both of us confessing some pretty raw emotions to the other. Separated by distance. Brought together by technology. Hearts open. Souls bare. Because when we have true friendship we can ride the distance. We can ride the times when we are not in each other’s lives. We can ride the challenges we face.

For my birthday she sent me a book called Radical Acceptance, Embracing Your Life With The Heart Of  A Buddha by Tara Brach PH.D. I have to admit when I got the book, its title intimidated me. Scared me even. I love the concept of Buddha but to actually receive a book about it, I was afraid that if I read it and did not find the answers I needed I would be disappointed. So I put it to one side. On my night stand near me but I did not touch it.

But for some reason after our exchange over the weekend I knew she had sent it to me for a reason. I knew she was back in my life for a reason. So last night I opened the book to a random page after asking the Universe a question.

And this is how the Universe answered me through the book, “The bodhisattva’s aspiration, “May my life be of benefit to all beings” is a powerful tool for remembering our belonging and widening the circles of our compassions. In resolving to help all suffering beings, the bodhisattva is not assuming a grandiose role or holding to some unreachable ideal. If we see ourselves as small and separate individuals trying to take on the world as our responsibility, we set ourselves up for delusion and failure. Rather, our aspiration to be of benefit arises from the radical realization that we all belong to the web of life, and that everything that happens within it affects everything else. Every thought we have, every action we take has an impact for good or for ill. An aboriginal woman from Australia speaks from this sense of relatedness in a powerful way: If you have come to help me, then you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your destiny is bound up with mine, then let us work together.”

“When we feel togetherness, there are countless ways to express our care.  ...While it is easy to get caught up in believing we should be doing something more or different, what really matters is that we care. As Mother Teresa teaches “We can do no great things – only small things with great love.”

And then I knew. And then I understood. The Universe is providing for me in every way. It is giving me direction and answers every single day. Just not in the way I imagined the answers would come but they are there. And I am important. I am here for a reason. I am playing a pivotal role in my life and the lives of others every single day just by caring. Just by being all that I am. And I cannot force anything. Cannot change fate. But I can be grateful, thankful for all that I have and I will continue to live out my life as a caring being. Doing small things with great love. And I am. And I shall.

This blog is dedicated to my dear sister friend from England who helped me to shift my consciousness. To retell my story. From a physical distance but in a spiritual closeness. Thank you sister friend. Thank you.

Appreciating Motherhood and Womanhood

Yesterday was one of those magical days. Where when I woke up I could feel the magic in the air. I could smell it and I felt like I could touch it.

I woke up with a wonderful feeling of positive energy and purpose knowing it was Mother’s Day. My family was all excited about Mother’s Day and they did their best to make the day as restful and peaceful as they could for me. My husband and children presented me with lovely flowers and cards and let me have the day to myself.

In the morning and early afternoon, I sat out in the sun reading a magazine, doing a crossword puzzle, basking in the beautiful day. Feeling the heat of the sun penetrating my body making every cell in my body feel alive again.

I looked up at the clouds sweeping by in the sky. Some looking like angels.  I inhaled and exhaled. And I gave a silent thank you to the Universe for the abundance I have in my life. For giving me the gift of Motherhood. The gift of learning so much more about myself through the eyes of a mother. Facing the challenges of raising children knowing I don’t have all the answers. Praying that I get it right so I can send my children out into the world as givers rather than as takers. As caring people who have compassion and empathy for their fellow mankind.

Then later that afternoon, I got dressed to go with the women in my family to Tom Moore’s Tavern for lunch. To freely celebrate Motherhood and Womanhood. Recognising that they are one in the same for the majority of us. When we were seated, I looked around the table at the other eight women. Stole glimpses in their eyes. Wondering what stories they were carrying with them. Wondering if motherhood sometimes scared them as much as it does me from time to time. Wondering if they worried about whether they would be around to see their children’s lives unfold. As I do every day considering my mother suddenly died when I was so young. And so was she.

I could see none of that worry in their faces because everyone was relaxed because it was Mother’s Day. The conversations were shifting from one topic to the other. As each woman was trying to have her story be heard in the limited amount of time we had. It was lovely to see the different generations of women – mothers and daughters – sharing the same space. Mothers who had birthed their daughters interacting with those daughters who had birthed themselves.

We talked like there was no separation in generations because once we become mothers a new understanding of motherhood and womanhood develops. Those of us who may have judged our mothers understand that motherhood is not something anyone can teach us. It is learned. Every single second, minute, hour of every single day. We understand there is nothing that can prepare us for motherhood except the experience of it itself.

Each one of us approaches motherhood with the tools we have learned through our life experiences and hence it is constantly evolving as are we. I loved yesterday because none of us stood in judgement of the other. We just were. Appreciating each other for who we are.

I looked around the table and thought of the matron that is left of my mother’s family. Sitting to my left. My mother’s only sister and only surviving member of my mother’s immediate family. Sometimes I feel twinges of jealousy toward her because she knew my mother for much longer than I did. But it also pulls me closer to her because I know when I need it she can speak my mother’s name with love and understanding.

Looking at her lined face now. Feeling a sadness wash over me knowing my mother’s face never had the time to develop the lines of time because she was only 44 when she died.  Looking at my aunt and thinking of all she has seen. Thinking of all she has learned. Turning to my right to look at my oldest sister who stepped in for a few years after my mother died to guide me, help me. The one who I used to think knew it all. The one who I often fought with because she was not my mother and I wished she would stop trying. Appreciating her for what she gave me.

I look around the table again with different eyes then. Appreciating the fact the my sister, just like my Aunt, and my cousins, the other women seated at the table, the other women seated at the other tables in the restaurant  are just like me. We are all doing the best we can with the resources we have. Mothering as only we know how. 

There truly is a lot of beauty in this world

There is truly a lot of beauty in this world. Take a look at a rose.

A lot of peace and peaceful people. Look at the face of the Dalai Lama, Oprah, Mother Theresa. Ghandi, Martin Luther King. Look into their eyes.

A lot of love and like minded people. Look at the face of a baby. The clarity of his eyes.

A lot of compassion and compassionate people. Look into the eyes of an elderly person.

A lot of extraordinary ordinary things. A lot of ordinary extraordinary things. Take a look at the clouds in a blue sky. The leaves rustling in the breeze. A butterfly fluttering by.

There is a symphony of sounds around us naturally every day if we stop to listen. Listen to the sound of the pouring rain. Listen to the sound of the wind. Listen to the sound of birds chirping.  Listen to the sound of silence. Listen.

Sometimes we are too blind to see and hear the wonders that unfold every single day. Sometimes it is obscured from our vision. Blocked out from our hearing. Because our focus is on the negative. On what’s wrong rather than on what’s right.  Attracting more of what we believe into our lives rather than what we want and need.

By writing this blog I have discovered so many beautiful and wonderful people searching for the light. Searching for peace. Searching for love, understanding and joy. Trying to live their lives as light beings the majority of the time. I have connected with people whose hearts, bodies, minds and souls are in alignment with the natural order of the Universe  allowing them to radiate love. Inspiring people. I have met people who don’t take nature for granted. Who don’t take people for granted or themselves for that matter. And as a consequence a light shines out from them into my heart allowing me to send that light back out into the hearts of others. If they are open to receive it.

I was looking at my friend’s Facebook page and came across two wonderful Facebook pages called Rumi quotes and Kahlil Gibran. The photos and graphics used on these pages are just as beautiful and just as illuminating as the words used from these famous prophets and gurus. Inspirational words that resonated through my whole being.

I used to be one who was totally against all of the social networking sites because of the damage they can cause. But now that I am writing my blog (which has allowed me to open my mind to many people, places and things I would not have otherwise), I totally understand the benefits of social media if it is used in a positive manner.

Social media is far reaching. And it is Universal. It allows us to hear from friends far and near. To connect with people we may not otherwise connect with. It is a powerful tool to spread messages of love, light and peace around the world. Instantaneously.  

I am happy to be a part of social networking. It allows me and other like minded people to spread messages of hope. Of peace. Of love and light to all those likeminded people who are open to receive it.

There truly is a lot of love and light and compassion and peace in this world. We just have to be in the frame of mind to connect with it. All we need to do is move in circles of likeminded people. Of compassionate and loving people and soon our world will be expanded to become a part of that energy. And we will embrace that energy. Allowing us to become better people.

Remembering always there is a lot of beauty in this world. A lot of love. A lot of peace. A lot of joy. A lot of light. Enough for us all to share in. To connect with because we are all one. Each connected from a tiny atom that joined to form the reality we live in. And share.

May you share in the natural beauty, love, light, peace, and joy in your world today. As I intend to.

Atmospheric energy changes enabling me to see the golden opportunities ever present

It's Friday morning. Hallelujah! The morning of end of the work week.  A week that has seemed to go by as slowly as the pouring of molasses.

I woke up this morning to the sound of pouring rain outside. A welcome sound because my little Island has been facing a drought so we very much need the rain. I stayed in bed for a bit listening to the rain. Trying to match the relief I felt from its sound to the relief I felt in my bones about the end of this work week.

Thoughts of this trying week raced through my mind. I questioned what the week meant and why I was all over the place. Thoughts scattered. Highly sensitive. On edge. Tired one minute then feeling on top of the world the next. Driven one minute then not the next. Knowing what I want then not the next.

I have been talking to a lot of people and it seems a lot of them are feeling the same. Most everyone I’ve spoken to is feeling a bit lost. But not enough to be able to put their finger on why. A sentiment I understand totally.

So I went in search of something that would explain the why. Once I read there is a lot of activity happening in our universe I instantly understood the why. The sun is emitting solar flares. We just experienced the largest and closet full moon for the year. Our atmosphere is going crazy. All this shifting atmospheric energy is wreaking havoc on our energy causing us to experience lots of mixed emotions. Making us feel out of sorts. Out of place. Unable to face the most mundane task that we have to do. Instead we are seeking the more that’s out there.

Worrying about the future. Fretting about the past. Rather than accepting all we have is this moment. That the past is gone. Done. History. And there is nothing we can do to change it. That the future is beyond our grip always. And if we focus on the past and future, we will lose sight of where we are. Causing us to lose out on opportunities that are presenting themselves to us every single day.

And then I sat down to write my blog and was halfway through when Microsoft Word froze on me. Stopped working while I was in the middle of my thought process. And I had not saved my document. Gone just like that. I got up from my computer and looked outside to make sure a solar flare had not hit the outside! Stealing my thoughts.

Seeing nothing but wet trees swaying in the breeze and hearing the sound of birds chirping, I knew all was well. So I sat back down and patiently went about trying to recover my documents. And finally I got them back but not the story I had compiled but the original document I had been working on.

Exasperated I then took a deep breath and did nothing for a few moments. Then I just started writing again to see where I would end up. Not fretting about what I had lost. Just concentrating on writing what I was meant to write. During the time I was waiting for my thoughts to settle I read the Louise Hay flip calendar and it said, “Golden opportunities are everywhere. I take advantage of all of them today.”

It was then that I realised I was being given a golden opportunity to start all over again. To just write. To just let the emotional rollercoaster sink through my being. To just let the joy of the rain permeate my soul. To just let go and enjoy the moment for what it is because then I would see the opportunities that are ever present even when I think I am lost.

This week has been a week fraught with distraction, exasperation and frustration but it has also been a week of realignment, a chance for my emotions to play out, a chance to go through a shift just like the Universe is experiencing at the moment. Understanding that the only constant is change. And if I embrace that message then I will see the opportunities in everything.

Also understanding that we are all interconnected by one energy that streams throughout our Universe. Every action creates a wave for an equal and opposite reaction.  Here’s to the golden opportunities waiting for us all to tap into.

Why are we attracted to the negative?

I have been grappling with a way to tackle how we are more prone to accept and expect negativity than we are positivity. Why are our brains wired to connect to negative comments, people and places and events rather than the positive ones?

Is it because in our heart of hearts we don’t believe we deserve happiness or the best? Is it because we are wired to believe that the glass truly is half empty than it is half full.

Why is it that most of us take glee in gossiping about others?  Finding fault with others? Is it because then it deflects the attention away from our own shortcomings?

I have been trying to understand why sometimes I can fall prey to the one negative comment that has been said about me rather than the multitude of positive comments that have been made. I have spent the last couple of weeks trying to write and rewrite this blog but each time it came across as painting myself as a victim which I don’t like to do. In my whole life regardless of what has happened to me I have never looked at myself as a victim. I have always known that things happen for a reason and that in the end I will discover an invaluable lesson from whatever experience I have been through.

But yet I still get hurt when someone says something about me that is contrary to the way I am or want to be. Why is that? Is it because there is a shadow self within me that takes those comments on. That feels like the negative comment is valid because there is a part of me that really is that way? Is that the case for us all?

Is there some kind of warped balance thing that we are always trying to attain? That on the flip side of good there is evil. On the flip side of happiness there is sadness. On the flip side of abundance there is scarcity. Are we always striving to be somewhere in the middle because deep down inside we feel too much of a good thing is a bad thing?

I have been researching why our brains work the way they do but found no concrete answer. However I now strongly feel the reason I am susceptible to these feelings is because I am human. We are human. We are always looking for and seeking approval even when we say we aren’t. Even the most successful and confident people are looking for validation because we are all vulnerable. Vulnerability allows doubts to creep in. Opens the door for that shadow self to waltz on through. Vulnerability is the reason why we are attracted to the negative because we all know that there by the grace of God go I.  We all know that life can change in an instant and we could be wallowing in the pain of our counterparts.

But what we also need to do is live in the moment. Accept the good for what it is. Don’t live too much in the dark holding on to negativity because we will never see the good in anything. And there is just as much good in life as there is bad. Our roles in life are constantly changing according to where we are. Sometimes we will be on top. Sometimes not. Sometimes in the light. Sometimes not. Sometimes in favour. Other times not.

The reason why we are constantly shown the reverse is to teach us compassion. And that’s why we are attracted to the negative because opposites attract. But it is up to us to find the balance.  And to remember always as a Zen proverb says, “The reverse side also has a reverse side.”           

Learning to "Flip that Switch"

Last night I watched one of my favourite shows, The Big C, and it was hilarious and moving at the same time.

In the show, Paul was recruited as a motivational speaker to talk about his near death experience. When he was first called up on the stage he was very nervous and rambled on a bit before he found his groove allowing him to tell a moving story. He unexpectedly had the audience eating out of the palm of his hand. When he finished they applauded him and you could see the pride and surprise written all over Paul’s face.

As a result of his performance, he was asked back by the woman to open for her next show. Once that happened Paul believed he had to be something other than what he was. He thought he had to recreate his story. Make it bigger. So he worked with an assistant to develop a new image for himself.

He walked on stage and bombed because he was trying too hard to be a performer rather than being himself. He delivered a speech rather than telling his story. The audience was clearly bored with him because he came across as plastic. Not someone they could relate to. He used lots of jargon and jingles but none of it was him. Then the Universe interceded and caused him to have the beginnings of a heart attack on stage. So his assistant rushed onto the stage and jolted his heart causing Paul to collapse on stage.

The lights were dimmed and there was panic in the air until Paul said everything is all right. The light were turned back on. And Paul was different. Not cocky. Not confident. But more reflective. More authentic because after a scare like that something happens to our psyche. It goes into survival mode. All pretence goes. All of the superficial goes. Instead we become more thoughtful. More aware of the gift we call life. And how quickly everything can change.

This time when Paul spoke, he was more humble and he spoke from his heart. Bringing the audience into his inner circle. Talking authentically rather than artificially. And he basically told people that no matter what happens to them. No matter how horrible everything may seem. No matter how dark the days may be, it is up to them, to all of us, to just “Flip that Switch”.

And what he meant by that was each one of us has the ability to change our outlook on life. Each one of us carries the magic inside of us that can change the reality we are facing because we hold the key to shifting our consciousness. “Flip that switch” has stayed in my mind and I intend to use his words whenever I am feeling any negativity coming on. I also was reminded by Paul that whenever we are not our authentic selves no one wants to be in our space. When we are authentically who we are meant to be, people are attracted to us.

It is time for all of us to embrace the real us. And the good thing is we don’t have to wait until we are faced with a life and death situation before we embrace who we are. We have the ability everyday to  listen to what the real us wants and needs. And once we do, we can go out into the world as light and loving beings. Enabling us to deflect negative energy away from us because we will move beyond the ego and embrace love.

So everyone it is up to us to be authentic in order to be able to “flip that switch” to start living the life we are meant to live. I don’t know about you but today I intend to “Flip that Switch” as much as I can. 

Remembering that lessons come from the least expected places sometimes but when we are open to receiving them the Universe delivers all the time. Who would have thought a TV show would remind me that it is up to me to be who I am meant to be, get what I am meant to get simply by allowing myself to "Flip that Switch".

Stepping outside the box midday Monday afternoon

Yesterday morning was one of those mornings when I threw back the curtains with excitement only to find nothing but grey greeting me for the day. A grey and windy Monday morning. No sun. No clear blue skies. Just dull grey light. Heavy clouds. Threatening to rain. Nothing worse than starting the week of to a grey day. I wanted to pull those curtains back and go back to bed. Instead I focused myself. Put myself in the mind set for work and got on with it.

Took my children to school. Listening to them chattering in the back seat. Listening to them discussing their day. Feeling sad when I had to drop them off as each one of us went our own separate way to lead a separate path.

I questioned what kind of day I was going to have. I wondered of all days why did Monday, the first day of the work week, have to be so grey? By the time lunchtime rolled around the grey skies had been replaced with blue, perfect blue, still windy but perfect blue skies and puffy white clouds. I decided to break my routine – to do something different.

I got in my car drove home for lunch – all of 7 minutes from my office to my door-  changed out of my work clothes into my walking clothes and went for a walk. Setting out in the middle of the day like a woman without a care in the world. Pure nirvana. I felt like a naughty school girl skipping school. It was exhilarating. Invigorating.

I walked slowly at first trying to get my bearings. Trying to comprehend what I was doing. Breaking my corporate woman image up and going out as a woman without an agenda. I felt so free to be doing something I wouldn’t normally do. As I walked down the street I inhaled the fresh air, and my pace hastened as the fresh air filled my lungs. Making me want to run down the street with my arms out stretched.

I walked for half an hour just enough to free my mind from the prison it had entered into earlier. As I walked back to my house something told me to look up. So I did. And I saw the leaves of the trees swaying in the breeze. All different colours and shades from red to green to bronze to fuschia. I slowed down a bit to listen to the sound of the wind. A beautiful haunting sound that went through my being. I thought of when I was first pregnant some 14 years ago and how I used to walk first thing in the morning and I used to talk to my unborn son telling him to listen to the sound of the wind. Of how I couldn’t wait to meet him. Of how quickly time has sped by since he entered my life.

I saw birds flitting from tree to tree. Landing. Chirping at each other. I saw the sky beyond the trees. Silhouettes of the leaves against the sun and clouds.  I saw peace, love and possibility. I saw freedom and felt it too. I inhaled deeply. I exhaled long and hard.

 I gave a silent thanks to the Universe for all the abundance and beauty that surrounds me every day. For taking the time to come out and enjoy it. Appreciate it. Be in it. I gave a silent thanks to the Universe for following my instincts to break the mould. To step outside the box and do something I would not normally do. And in doing so I had shifted my energy.  Allowing me to go back to the office ready to tackle whomever or whatever came my way from a fresh point of view.

I gave thanks to the Universe for helping me to remember that sometimes we have to step outside the box to understand there really is no box except for the one we create ourselves. For reminding me that time is precious and it is up to us to make the most of it. For exhaling. For remembering. For rejuvenating. And for that midday interlude I am truly grateful.

That full moon turned me upside down and right side up again

This weekend was a roller coaster ride of emotions for me.
Friday was one of those beautiful days where everything fell into place. When I felt like the Divine was working with me or should I say I was working with the Divine. Staying in the moment the whole time. Enjoying volunteering in the community. Working alongside new people. Giving back. Being outside all day. Not confined to an office. Having breathing space.

Hearing from friends near and far opening up to me about their life experiences. My expression of gratitude giving them the strength to speak from their hearts about their lives.  Their challenges. Their quest to find meaning. All on the day of the largest moon of the year.

But then I was tested yesterday. The day started out with my household on edge because my son had failed to do his homework. Sunday is supposed to be our family day where there is no technology and we are meant to be together. It turned into a day instead of bickering, anger, disappointment and tension.

It was only at the end of the day that I realised I was being tested. That I had to be the one to end the tension. To simmer the feelings of unrest. To bring us all back together because each one of us was wounded from the fight for control that had ensued. Each of us was smarting from the desire to be validated and respected. To be heard. So as my daughter went to bed last night, I gave her an extra hug. As my son went to bed last night, he apologised for causing the day to go off kilter and I forgave him. And he forgave me. We hugged each other that much longer. I apologised to my husband for saying some things to him I didn’t need to say.

And I knew I had the capacity in my heart and psyche to do so because I knew deep down I was being tested about how deep my well for gratitude really is. I also understood that it was a part of the beautiful full moon that was so close to us that was stirring up lots of emotions for us all. Bringing us face to face with our shadow selves. Forcing us to experience angst, inner turmoil and question where we are going with our lives. But to see the gift in the moon to see how its beauty had entranced me at first to taking me to the depths of despair all in one weekend was exhausting, exhilarating and exciting at the same time.

For the light of the moon and the shadow of the moon mirroring me I am truly grateful. Filling me with hope and promise. Letting me know I am part of a much larger Universe. Of an infinite Universe with no beginning and no end. And I cannot try to comprehend it all but rather live it for what it is.

Remembering standing down at the bottom of the moon as my son said it looked like a perfect marble but it’s millions of times larger, I felt a connection to the vastness of the Universe that exists all around me. Feeling chills knowing it was here before me and will be here after me as well. Humbling me to accept I am a part of it and not separate from it.

Letting me know if I work on myself and improve myself and go out into the world as a giving and compassionate being I will help people along the way to find their light as well. To know I am not here to solve life’s great mysteries for everyone as I am a part of that mystery myself. But to know I am here to learn as much as I can. Teach as much as I can. Accept as much as I can. Express gratitude as much as I can. Love as much as I can. Forgive as much as I can. And to live my life as best I can. My life.  Not anyone’s life. Not even my children’s. To know I am sometimes the teacher and sometimes the student. To know I am love, pure love.

To know we are all one. Interconnected in more ways than we can imagine. By expressing gratitude I was able to feel the gratitude of many near and far who needed an outlet for some of what they are experiencing. And for this experience of bringing light to those who may doubt they have it, a place for them to hear their voice again, I am truly grateful and inspired.  Because it was their light that helped me to find my own again after a very challenging end to my weekend. And for this lesson I am truly grateful.

What lens are you seeing life through?

Last night I tried to capture the moon. So close I could see its crevices. So close it looked like a perfect marble. Tried to freeze its beauty into my little phone lens to cherish it. Remember it. But it was not going to let me. I took several pictures. Holding its image in my head trying to replicate what I saw in my head through my little lens but I could not. Instead what I got were images of what my lens could take.

And then I realised I was being taught a lesson. Life represents what we are capable of holding on to. Capable of seeing. Capable of handling. It is the image of what we reflect and project. Therefore it is not the same for any one of us because we are coming at it from very different perspectives. None of us is in a position to judge the actions of others because we have no idea how weak or strong their lens is. We have no idea whether they have the ability to focus their lens. To enhance the images or not. We have no idea whether they are seeing life through a lens that can’t focus thereby causing them to see only blurred images.

I snapped picture after picture of the moon but the one image that captivated me the most was the image of the light from the moon that seemed to change every time I examined it. If I was religious I would say it represented Jesus on the cross. If I was spiritual I would say it is the image of the light inside of us all. If I was a scientist I would say it is the light being reflected back from the flash on my camera. But if I embody all the interpretations of the image I caught, I will understand it is all of these things because the image is merely reflection of the perception of whomever is interpreting it.

Proving to me that I am a product of my imagination and so are you. Limited or expanded by the lens that I have about whatever I am experiencing. And the irony of it all is that the image I thought I was trying to capture turned out not to be the image I was meant to capture. After taking pictures of the moon, I was drawn to my laughing Buddha sitting laughing at me in the vast moon. I took his picture and his image was as clear and as beautiful as the day letting me know that sometimes the image we are trying to capture is not the one we need.

Life is a series of stories, pictures, images, memories, projections, reflections. It is meant to be lived. Experienced. Ridden. Explored. Shared. Having the ability to alter our direction, perception, projection based upon the lens we are seeing through.

There is always something to be grateful for

A friend recently told me someone she knew said she had nothing to be grateful for. Chills ran down my spine as she said that. The thought of someone believing she had nothing to be grateful compelled me to want to write about the importance of gratitude. The simplicity of gratitude and the abundance of gratitude.

As Iyanla said gratitude is a state of being. It is a part of our genetic makeup . Who we are. Gratitude is what allows us to open our heart to possibility because it allows us to see the abundance that is ever-present in our lives.

Even on our darkest days there is always something to be grateful for. Practising the art of gratitude has allowed me to make it through many a dark day, moment or period. Because gratitude allows me to understand that even the worst moment, the most humiliating moment was there to teach me how not to be. How to treat others in a way that I want to be treated. To learn compassion, forgiveness and faith.

I have experienced several life changing moments I thought were the worst things that could have ever happened  to me. But now that I have moved beyond their pain and suffering I recognise they were some of the greatest gifts I have ever received.

My mother’s sudden death when I was thirteen allowed me to become independent, resourceful, resilient and to know that no matter how bad I think it is there is always someone who is experiencing something worse than I am. And to know the pain goes away and that life continues and it’s okay to live. To be happy.

My son coming 15 days early then deciding to turn around forcing me to have a C-Section shattered me at first. Making me feel less than adequate as a woman because I could not even deliver my firstborn naturally.  The experience taught me to keep an open mind. It’s not what we expect. It’s accepting where we are.

My job shutting down two years ago sending me packing out on the streets publicly was one of the most humbling experiences I have been through. Humiliation. Anger. Hurt were my initial feelings. Because I practise expressing gratitude everyday, I was able to move beyond those feelings to feelings of gratitude because my job shutting down gave me space to breathe. Take a step away from the rat race and rediscover my passion for writing again.

Believe me you don’t need trauma in your life to experience gratitude. To be grateful. To feel gratitude but it often takes a trauma to bring us to our knees to open our mind, body and soul to know there is so much more out there. It was my breast cancer scare some 15 years ago that forced me to stay home to recuperate and while recuperating I watched an Oprah show that changed my life forever. She challenged everyone to start a grateful journal. And my scare made me realise just how much I had to be grateful for so I started that journal. And I have been journaling every single night since.

Every night before I go to sleep, I settle myself down then express gratitude for the events of the day. And I know for sure that when I express gratitude I feel my heart open, my spirits soar and I appreciate so much more about being a part of this journey called life. Joy. Abandonment.

Because I know when I appreciate abundance flows my way. Simply closing my eyes and saying thank you for my breath, my children, my husband, our family, our home, doing the best I can every single days allows more to come my way. And for the blessings of gratitude I am truly grateful.

I have learned to never take anything for granted. To never live a life without gratitude. Without gratitude, we can never experience the richness and fullness of life. And neither will can we learn compassion and forgiveness. Peace and Love. Possibility. Contentment. That life will challenge us but it is up to us to meet the challenge and move beyond it.

A life lived with gratitude is a life well worth living and it is one of the greatest gift we can ever give to ourselves. And for gratitude I am truly grateful. Amen

Miraculously transforming our lives is easier than we think

"Accept—then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it...This will miraculously transform your whole life."
—  Eckhart Tolle

I read this a few days ago and it resonated with me but I did not know why so I stored it away until the time was right to explore it. And it seems this morning is the time.

I am finding myself in situations I did not expect myself to be. My life seems to be speeding by in a blur. Some of my decisions seem to be taking me in directions I did not expect. Some of the people that are entering my life are people I least expected would. Some of the people that are exiting my life are people I least expected would. Sometimes I feel like I am going round and round in circles. Trying to find the way out. Only to find there is no way out.

This week has been a week of trials with people, places and things. I have been left scratching my head about some of the reactions I have had from people making me question myself. I have been amazed by some of the conversations I have been having with people. And then I found this quote by Eckhart Tolle and I knew instantly that I was being sent a message. It just took me a few days to process what the message was and is.

This morning I got it. Felt it. Understood it. I was being told to just accept- then act.

To know that whatever the present moment contains, if I accept it as something I have chosen, I will see the lesson in it. And if I do, I will work for it. Through it. With it. Embrace it. See the benefit of it because I will believe no matter how uncomfortable the present moment is, it is of my choosing. And if I resist it, it will grow until I can’t see beyond it. Hence the feeling of going round in circles. Seeing no end.

Refusing to accept our present moment forces that moment to seem like it is never ending. Owning the present moment and working work with it allows the lesson we are meant to learn happen a lot faster. Allowing the discomfort caused by expectation, ego to dissipate. And go away. Leaving room for the inner self to expand.

I am being told that once I embrace the moment even if it is not what I am expecting, only then will it pass. I will try this as much as possible particularly in those situations where I feel the most uncomfortable because only then will I receive one of the greatest gifts of the Universe – the gift of greater understanding and compassion.

Every moment, every second, every person, every situation, every discomfort has come into our lives because we have chosen it. Embracing it. Seeing through it. Facing it. Is the only way we can reclaim our lives as our own. Making way for us to miraculously transform our lives into the lives we are meant to live.

Thank  you Eckhart Tolle for reminding me just how easy life can be if we accept we are where we are meant to be. Warts and all.

The Power of the Emotional Flood

Saving the best for last. In yesterday’s blog I didn’t write anything about Tony Robbins from the Oprah Life Class Finale because he ended the night so powerfully, I had to give myself space to breathe. To let his words resonate with me. Through me. To fully appreciate what he did for me. What he freed from deep down in my soul.

Tony took us through a process called, The Emotional Flood. I have to admit I was sceptical at first. He started us out with exercises to move our bodies to shift our energy into the space where we could truly listen to and feel the messages from deep within our beings.

My husband was looking over the top of his computer at me as if I was crazy. I smiled at him. Oblivious to his comments as I had my earphones in. Shutting out any distractions, I plugged into the Tony spell. Allowing me to free my spirit to connect with the Universe.

Then Tony told us to close our eyes and place our hands over our hearts. Lilting music came on. Sending tingles down my spine and throughout my body. He told us to feel our heart. Breathe deep into our hearts. To feel the power of our hearts. To feel grateful for our hearts. And I did. I felt a deep connection to my heart. A deep connection to my inner world and space. A deep connection to possibility. I was hooked from there.

He told us to step into a moment in our lives that we have deep feelings of gratitude for. I saw me marrying my husband, becoming a mother and feeling love spread throughout my mind, body and soul. A warmth flowing through me. Chills.

He told us to breathe it into our hearts and feel the moment. See, feel. Be there with it. He told us to reach out and bring in another memory on top of what was already in our hearts. A grief spread through my body like wildfire. Wrenching my souls as I stood as that 13 year old girl again devastated by the loss of my mother. As if it was happening at the moment. Tears rolled down my face. I took deep breaths to stifle the sobs that were threatening to escape.  My body shook. Emotions raw. Intense. But liberating. Cleansing.

He told us to go to a third moment. A coincidence. I thought of my husband again and the Florida sisters I met in the line for the Oprah Life class in NY. My Spiritual Mother. My mentor.

He asked us to take our hands off our hearts. To take a survey of our lives and choose moments we are grateful for rapidly. Moments we are proud of – becoming a mother. Making it through the death of my mother. Love. Writing. Opening. Expanding to the Universe. My heart swelling. Getting larger.

Of a sensual, sexual moment, I thought of my husband giving me a massage. Of him trying to be my Christian Grey ( a cross between the reformed one and the fifty shades one).  A delicious smile came onto my face.

Tony then asked us to think of a moment that made us laugh out loud – my daughter telling us a joke with a dead pan face. I almost laughed out loud thinking of it again.

Special moment with family or friends – my family bike riding together, exploring together. Feeling love pouring in.My heart expanding more.

To bring in a moment of pure excitement – when I got the news I was going to the Oprah Life Class in NY. My son making the honour roll.

He asked us to envision what we wanted in the future.  I saw my gift as clear as day but I will hold onto that treasure until I am ready to reveal it, not wanting to place expectations on myself or to hear the expectations of others. I have surrendered that vision to the Universe. Let it go so that it can come when the time is right.

I felt emotional, spent, shaken, but alive and full of gratitude and possibility after that Emotional Flood.  Knowing deep down inside we always know. We are always aware.  

And then Ms. Oprah let TD Jakes take the floor ending the night by telling us “When we are appreciative we put ourselves in appreciative situations. Focus on the assets rather than the liabilities. Whatever we feed will grow.”

And Ms. Oprah herself ended her Life Class with, “Accept with an open heart whatever is going on in your life.”

And I do. And I will. And I am.