Letting go of what I think I ought to do

Checking myself this morning. I woke up to the sound of silence at first as it was still dark outside. But decided to take advantage of the fact that I have nowhere to be today and nothing to really do except what I choose. This year I am treating my life a little differently. I am treating myself to down time. I am not going to say I am busy all the time because it makes me feel like I am demand. No I am going to take advantage of the times when I can do nothing except what I want without feeling the need to rush around and exhaust myself. And so far I have done it and it feels so good.

Even when people ask me at work if I am really busy, I am not embarrassed to say this is not my busy time whereas before I would have felt like I was not good enough if I wasn’t busy all the time. What I am finding is because I am allowing myself to not get caught up in feeling like I have to work around the clock and be busy for the sake of being busy I am actually more productive, more creative, more responsive and I feel better about myself. There are too many of us that feel in order to be productive we have to be busy all the time. But what we don’t realize we are doing is burning ourselves out. Leaving us no space to regenerate. No space to relax.  No space to just be. No space to tap into the deeper recesses of our brains and souls to hear what we are meant to be doing.

So I lay in bed this morning watching the outside turn from darkness to light, feeling no pressure to jump up and do. Allowing myself the opportunity to listen to the day waking up, to hear the rumble of distant thunder. Pushing aside the waves of disappointment with myself for staying in bed for so long that were threatening to overtake my moment of peace because I usually like to meditate before the sun rises to allow my soul to touch the soul of the Divine. To allow my meditative state to connect with the All that is. Instead I just allowed myself to be.

 And then when I heard the rain, I was disappointed that it was raining yet again. Initially I allowed my thoughts to go down the dark road of how much more rain can we get. What is happening to our weather. Putting myself in a funk. But once I got up and meditated and opened the blinds. I realized it matters not what time I meditate or wake up, it just maters that I do what resonates with me.

Only then was I able to appreciate I have so much to be grateful for - beginning with the fact that I am here another day to breathe, to see the weather, to hear the rain, that my family is all well,  that we are all well. That there are some not waking up this morning at all and their family members are left to grieve.

As I changed my mindset from remorse to gratitude, the outside did not look as dark anymore. My writing became more fluid and I felt lighter myself. Teaching me that no matter where our minds start to go or take us, it is up to us to shift ourselves out of the funk. To remember all that is positive in our lives rather than dwelling on the things that are negative. Remembering all of us have so much to be grateful for when we think of the things we take for granted -  like our ability to breathe on our own and do for ourselves.

Here’s to another rainy day. Another day where I am allowing myself the gift of time. Of not rushing around. No deadlines to meet. No people to meet except for what I decide for me. A day that could be viewed as dark and grey or a day that can be viewed as full of light. I am choosing light particularly when nature is giving me hints about which one to choose because there outside my window is a kiskadee with his bright yellow belly sitting on a tree branch waiting for me to see him. Preening himself as if it is a bright and sunny day. Not bothered by the rain at all. Shaking the wet off when it becomes too much but satisfied with himself nonetheless. And so shall I. As can you.

Grateful for the rain for replenishing nature. Providing us with water to drink and keeping us sustained. And you know what, the rainy day does not feel so bad anymore. Instead it feels beautiful and necessary. As I calmly go through my day without rushing around to make myself feel important.  Doing as much as I am meant to do, not what I think I ought to do. Namaste.