Exhausting Being Everyone but Me

What are we looking for as individuals?

What is it that we really want out of life?

When do we know we have what we are meant to have?

At what point do we feel like we are living the lives we are meant to be living?

Do we ever reach that point or are we always striving for more?

What happens when the door opens but it does not feel like our door?

What happens when several doors open at the same time?

How do we know which door is meant for us and more importantly which door is not?

Is there really a right door and a wrong door or are they all right and wrong?

Could it be possible that every path we take, every choice we make, every decision is right and wrong for us at the same time?

Questions, questions, questions are filling my heart today

Crowding my mind today

Because I am searching, seeking, probing

As many of us do at the beginning of the year

At the beginning

Because we project so far ahead

Trying to direct our lives

As I am

Right now

Trying to see the destination

Before I even understand my journey

Rather than living it for what it is

Instead of what it isn't

Living each moment

Studying each moment

Being grateful in each moment

For each moment

Appreciating that it could be my last moment

I know how to root myself

But sometimes I don’t want to, can’t and have no desire to be rooted

In that moment

Sometimes I want to be over there more than I want to be here

Sometimes I do not want to be where I am

But if I stop and listen

Really listen to the sound of me

To the sound of my silence

To the sound of my voice

I will know that every path

Every step

Every decision

Every choice

I have made

Without blaming anyone else

Has brought me to this place of questions

To this place of seeking

To this place of probing

And if that is really the case

Then only I 

Can get myself out of this place

Of questioning

Of probing

Of seeking

But how 

I ask

But why

I probe

But when 

I demand

Only when I am ready 

Comes the answer

Only when I learn 

Comes the whisper

Then the wave

Only when the time feels truly right 

Booms loud and clear

And only I will know

Arives the conclusion

But I have to be courageous enough

Brave enough

Strong enough

To buck the tide

To not try to be so dreadfully normal

Which leads to boredom

To not desire to be so easily mainstream

Which leads to stagnation

To not fall into the trap of following the crowd

Because I so desperately want to be accepted by everyone else

Instead to recognise

Sometimes I have to walk alone

To understand who I am and what I want

And sometimes walking alone

With my head above the crowd can be terrifying

And that’s why it is so easy to fall into the status quo

To be like everyone else

To do what everyone else expects

But then when I do

That’s when I get the questions

Rather than the answers

I seek

A feeling of unrest

Rather than rest

A feeling of wanting to be over there

Rather than here

So it is on me 

To listen to me

To be me

To fully embody

Who I am

And what I asked to come here to be

As it is my short

Short

Short

Life

No one else’s

So it is time to let go

And let be

So I can finally be me

Terrifying

Exhilarating

But well worth it

I know

Because it’s exhausting

Being everyone but me