Making way for me

Sometimes what we want is not what we need. This thought keeps popping into my head. Like a broken record so I sat down to explore it. To write about it to see where it takes me.

Is my passion meant to be my vocation or is it meant to support my vocation? What am I meant to do with my life where I can be the most effective? Give the most service and be the most helpful to myself and others? How can I carve out enough time to be the best mother to my children? Guide them? Help them make decisions that are good for them? Without controlling their lives. Without taking away their ability to be independent and resourceful themselves?

How can I help them to become responsible individuals? Content with themselves. How can I teach them that failure is not when you try something and it doesn’t work but rather it is not trying at all. How can I be the best example of that myself? When sometimes I’m afraid to put myself out there because I am afraid that I will fail.

I am having great difficulty understanding what it is that I want out of this life. What I need out of this life? Am I meant to spend the rest of my days dreaming about financial freedom? Dreaming about my dream. Dreaming about being successful. All while standing on the sidelines watching others make their dreams come true.

Where is my focus at the moment? Is it on creating this image that everyone else wants me to create rather than on what feels good to my insides? What brings me the most joy? Lately I have been manifesting many things that are taking me on paths so far away from my dream that I am beginning to question what my role in life is supposed to be. Am I fooling myself about who I am or is it just that what I want is not what I need?

Did I make a pact with myself and some Divine Force many years ago that I can’t remember and is that why I am moving in a direction I never expected. Or am I being tested to see if what I want is what I really need? How do we know when we are on the right track? How do we know when we are being our authentic selves? At what point do we stop trying to live out the dreams of others and start living our own lives?

And then I heard a line on one of my new favourite TV series, Mad Men, “It’s about letting things go so you can get what you want.”

Reminding me to let things go in order to make room for what I want and need. Stop questioning all the time. Stop focusing outside of my realm of existence and just be in the moment so I can make room for the opportunities presenting themselves every single day. Stop resisting what is in order to be.