Following our hearts can be difficult

Following our hearts can be one of the most difficult things we can ever do particularly when we place expectations on our decisions.

Following our intuition is even harder when we do so with expectation.

Sometimes it’s easier to be on the bottom looking up then on the top looking down. At least that way you know who genuinely wants to be in your life for who you are rather than what you are and what you can give them.

Life has a strange way of knocking us down. Forcing us to look at who we truly are beneath the carefully constructed façade we show to the outside world. It has a way of making us confront the real self that lurks behind the mask because masks cannot be worn all the time.

When we least expect our decisions to be turned upside down by the people we least expect to turn them upside down we get a rude awakening about trust. However what we learn the most is the only person we can rely on is ourselves. No one can make our decisions. When we are knocked down enough or the path we thought we were going down turns out not to be the path we need, we are forced to examine why we made certain decisions and whether they came from a place of ego or love.

And when we step back from our disappointments and truly examine why they occurred, we often learn that the decisions we made from a place of ego often end in the ego being bruised beyond measure. Because we always get what we are serving up.

Reminding me that we have to make sure we are going about things with good intentions. Because whatever it is we are hiding will come to the surface and bite us – often publicly and shamefully.

Decisions made with good intentions but don’t turn out the way we thought they would are often as a result of us going down a path that is not right for us. And life is trying to redirect us or show us that the people we thought we could trust are not authentic. 

 Life always has a way of righting what is wrong. Of bringing to the forefront what is hidden and making us question who we are and what we want out of this life.

Letting go of expectation frees us to follow our heart and our intuition because it allows us to act from a place of good intention rather than ego. Hard lesson but freeing if we can learn to trust who we are and why we are here. 

Imagination unleashes knowledge

Imagination is more important than knowledge. Albert Einstein

I had to ponder this quote for a few days to understand what it meant.  Particularly since it came from a man that invented physics! Any man that can understand physics let alone invent it has to have a serious imagination. So clearly Einstein lived in his imagination to come up with the theory of relativity. But I believe his imagination ultimately led him to knowledge he would never have found.

Imagination is the engine behind who we are and what we are. It is the place in which our dreams reside unadulterated. Where they flourish and allow us to see the possibility in everything. Imagination is where our truth lies.

It is often defined as an escape from reality but in fact I believe it is an escape to reality. Our own reality if we set it free. Gave it wings to fly. And let it take us.

I remember searching for meaning about 15 years ago when I was flying around the world on business trips. Place to place. Hotel room to hotel room. Suitcases packed and unpacked. Missing out of the uniqueness of all the places I travelled to because I was there for business not for pleasure. So there was no time to explore. In and out before I could blink. Spending more time on airplanes than in the places. Leaving me wondering what my life was all about.

So on a long airplane journey back from someplace that may as well have been no place, between sleeping and awake, my mind in that magical REM place so thoughts were flowing freely, I suddenly awoke with a start. With a revelation that changed my life forever. And the revelation that opened my eyes to all I could be was these simple words: I am a Product of my Imagination.

I explored those words. I wrote about them. Starting writing earnestly for the first time and I have been writing ever since. Fifteen years later and I am still writing. Exploring my imagination. My knowledge. Getting better at it the more I do it. Releasing more of my imagination to myself and the world. And sometimes that imagination opens me to knowledge I would not otherwise have tapped into if I had not set my imagination free.

So I agree with Einstein imagination is more important than knowledge because without it there is no knowledge. I believe imagination unleashes knowledge.So here’s to the imagination and the accumulation of knowledge- unadulterated. Unfiltered. Fresh and free. Imagination is the key that opens the door to a whole new world of knowledge. Image the knowledge we could possess if we truly believed in our imagination. Imagine. 

The last day of school makes me reflect

Today is the last day of school for my children. A day that always fills me with nostalgia and relief. A day when I realise just how quickly time is speeding by. A day that makes me wonder where the school year has gone.

A day that makes me think about all those nights we worried about whether our children were applying themselves as much as they could. About whether we had instilled the right values in them so they would be able to apply themselves at school. About whether they were in the right schools. And then just like that the school year is over. Done. Summer has begun in full for them.

Then the worry of how we will occupy their long ten weeks of holiday so that they can have fun but not spend the whole vacation in front of a television or on their computers  begins. Wondering where they can best explore who they are and who they are becoming and how we can help them manifest it.

Thinking about the lack of freedom they have now compared to the days when the summer holidays meant long days of freedom for me when I was a child. When I left the house in the morning and sometimes didn’t return until night fall. And my parents had no idea where I was, who I was with or what I was doing. And they didn’t worry either. They just wanted me outside. Out of their hair. And so did I want to be out of theirs. Free to explore and be whomever I wanted to be. No restrictions. And I loved it. Craved it.

I remember lying in the grass and looking up at the passing clouds thinking about life. Contemplating my place in it. Sometimes bored beyond tears about the long dragging days. Other times happy that I could lie in the grass. With no one bothering me. Where I could look at the clouds and make up shapes in them. Where my brain wasn’t working overtime. Where I could get up late and not be rushed to get to any camps or summer activities. My summer activity was purely to be a child and have fun.

But when I think about my children’s lives and the expectations that are on them to be the best, I cringe. I think with sadness about how times have changed now. I think regretfully that there is no way my children can roam as freely. How now we have to know where they are, who they are with and  know what they are doing. How now we plot out their summers to put them in the right summer camps. Afraid that if we don’t they will fall behind their peers. Or get into trouble because they are bored. Or they will end up with Attention Deficit because they spend too much time in front of the TV or on their computers.

How did we let our society change so much from a time when summer holiday meant freedom, roaming, exploring on our own to being policed and restricted? In less than my lifetime. How did we let this happen?

So school ends today and summer camps begin next week. From one structured environment to another our children go. When do we allow them the time to just be? To figure out who they are and what they want to be. When do we let their minds roam so they can explore all they want to be without structure? When do we let them make their own decisions so they know how when they mature? When do we let them lie in the grass and contemplate their lives?

I worry sometimes about whether my children will be able to live their lives as adults making their own decisions  if I keep them so structured. So restricted. When will we learn to just let them go? Let them be so they can roam free?  And become responsible by falling sometimes. By making mistakes. By making their own decisions without us interfering. I hope my children get some time over their holidays to be free. I really do even if it’s for a short time. To lie in the grass and look at the clouds and not their watches. To make their own time and not someone else’s.

Remembering just like this school year flew by so are their days as children, tweens, teens , young adults  and soon they will be us and we will be gone. Hoping they learn to be adults along the way.

Here and Now

Sometimes I sit and wait. Wait and sit. Stare off into space. Let space stare at me. Look out the window. To see what I can see. To feel what I can feel. To allow emotions, feelings, thoughts run through me. To see what inspiration hits me. To see what thoughts form the most cohesive train.

And then I let go. And start to write. Until I can’t stop. Until there is nothing more to express. Until my thoughts are assembled into something I can decipher. Until they start to make music and resonate with my soul.

Some days it’s easier than others. Some days I’m trying too hard to write something profound. To make sense of the world. When there is no sense to be made. Trying too hard to answer all my questions. Not accepting sometimes there are  no answers. Just questions.  

Sometimes after I finish writing I can’t believe I was the author. Sometimes I feel like the words are coming from a place and space I can only peek into for short periods of time. A place full of love, answers , wisdom, fullness and richness of self. A place of abundance. An overflowing well of joy. And when I reach that place by surrendering completely, I feel a sense of euphoria and peace at the same time. But then when I try to examine that place and space too much – overanalyse what it means – it disappears quickly – closes up and leaves behind darkness. More questions than answers.

And then on those times when I am trying too hard I find I am exhausted, afraid. Nothing happens because I am too judgemental about my ability to write and why I write. I let ego take over. I question who I think I am and why I think I have anything to say that anyone would want to read when I am just a person – the same as everyone else. Insecurity clouds my space. And then I freeze. Fear paralysing my fingers. My thoughts. My inspiration and my creativity. And I berate myself until I just give up and get up and walk away from my computer. From the negativity that is channelling through my body causing me to feel inadequate.

I walk away from the madness. Change the scenery. Inhale and exhale. Look outside. Until I see it. Feel it. And it sees me and feels me. Bringing us together. And usually it’s something as simple as a rose bud starting to bloom. All delicate and beautiful ready to burst into life. Filling me with pure joy. And then I feel something start to stir within my soul again and my eyes open wide to all the beauty that surrounds me every second of every day.

The beauty replaces the ugly and allows me to see that beauty and ugly exist side by side depending on one’s perspective. Depending on how we view things. Beauty and ugly are always there. Always challenging us to determine how we view life. And then I feel my creativity start to flow. My inspiration surging back and I go back and I write until I can write no more.

And then I sit back and contemplate and realise that writing, just like life, requires me to come from a place of love. Always. A place of surrender in order to free myself to see the gifts and abundance there in front of my face every single day. To see the inspiration that comes from everyday life through nature’s rich and varied tapestry. To feel it deep within my soul. Breathe it in slowly and fully. Letting it spread like wildfire through my veins until I open to that place of magic that resides within us all. Surrendering to its goodness and richness. Embracing it like it is my long lost lover.

And then I see I am all I need here and now. Now and here all I need. I am.

When we are looking for something that much grander than where we are and what we are, here and now, we miss out on our authentic selves. We miss out on the opportunity to grow and love. We miss out on the opportunity to be. And that’s why I sit and wait. Wait and sit. Because sometimes doing that allows me to write from that place of total understanding. Enabling me to learn a great life lesson – sometimes I just have to surrender to the here and now without question so I can see I am all I need here and now. And so are you. And so are we all. Here and now. 

Actions speak louder than words

Yesterday my daughter and I went to the grocery store. A grocery store we don’t usually go to so it was full of new people and experiences.

When we got to the checkout counter and I was paying for my items, the person that was supposed to pack my groceries was an old lady so bent over from osteoporosis that she could not look up unless she stopped what she was doing and leaned against something. She is so crooked that it is difficult for her to even pack the groceries making me wonder why she is there in the first place. 

When my groceries were nearly rung through on the register, the lady still had not packed them in my bag. So I started to pack them because it would have taken her longer and we would have held up the line. And as many of us know people have very little patience now in the grocery store or for anything at the moment because we are always in a hurry. Always have to be someplace other than the place we are in.

Once the woman got herself adjusted and went to pack my groceries , she was surprised I was packing them. So she adjusted her body so she could look me in the face. Our eyes met and I felt the anxiety from her body flow into mine. I felt the plea that she was there because she needed to be not because she wanted to be emanate from her being. I addressed her and asked her how she was doing. Acknowledging her existence. She smiled and said she was doing just fine. Her voice brighter than I was expecting. Younger sounding than the way she looked. Indicating there was more to her spirit than the bent over lady her body presented. Taking me by surprise.

After I packed my groceries I reached into my bag, pulled out a tip and gave it to the lady. And thanked her for being there. The gratitude that spread across her face was priceless. Her smile genuine. Sincere. So much so I felt like a million dollars for making her feel worthy.

As we walked out of the store, my daughter asked me why I had tipped that woman even though I had packed my own groceries. So I told her it was because that woman needed that tip more than I did and sometimes when people come into our lives and we can feel their needs and can help, it’s up to us to do so. Not from a place of guilt but from a place of good.

I walked away from that lady feeling full of love and compassion knowing then that with my very action I had taught my daughter compassion not by lecturing but by doing and sometimes that’s what life is all about. Actions speak louder than words. Compassion is ever expanding. Life is all about sharing. And caring about our fellow mankind.

Angels are always there when we need them

The other day I was reading the blog by SARK and she talked about how if we ask for wonderful people to come into our lives, they do.

So on that day when I was carrying a lot of anger, I asked for someone wonderful to come into my life and then released the thought. I then decided to take my car in to have it cleaned. Why that day I was not sure considering it had not been cleaned for months. But something compelled me to take it in. I was almost at work but decided to turn around to go to the car cleaning place.

When I went back to pick up my car, one of the guys that had cleaned my car started talking to me about life. He told me that he doesn’t worry about anything anymore. How he has learnt that he can’t focus on the negative stuff because all it will do is make him sick. He said he has seen too many of his friends dropping off from heart attacks and he believes it was because they were carrying too much stuff.

I looked at this guy and realised he was the wonderful person I had asked for. Surprised by the guise he had come in. But full of the wisdom and inspiration I needed for that day. I agreed with him and then we got into a lively discussion about life.

He told me that whenever an angry thought pops into his head, he replaces it with a happy one. He asks himself would he still be angry in an hour about whatever it was that was making him angry and if the answer is no, he releases that angry thought and replaces it with something happy. And he said it feels amazing when he does that because what he realises is a lot of the stuff we get angry about is not worth holding onto. Not worth killing ourselves over because it is just a moment in time.

Once he realised what he was saying, he became embarrassed. Unsure about how I was taking his observations. So he said rather sheepishly that he hoped I didn’t think he was strange. I looked at that man and realised without question that he was my angel in disguise. Tattoos and all. Despite his gruff manner. Despite his shuffle and street manner. I looked into his shining eyes  and realised how much I could have lost had I judged him by his appearance. How unfortunate for me it would have been if I had not engaged with him because I would have missed out on learning my lesson for the day.  

I looked that man in the eyes. Opening his soul to mine. Embracing his light so we could feel the exchange of positive energy. I then thanked him from the bottom of my heart for being my angel for the day. To see the gratitude that washed over him was touching. The light that was shining in his eyes was beautiful. To feel the lightness of my being coming back in after our exchange was uplifting. I drove away from the car cleaning place feeling much better than the woman I had been when I walked in. Smiling. Happy. Grateful for the blessings and answers that come to me whenever I am open. Reminded that angels are always there for us when we call upon them. And sometimes from the least likely person of the day proving to me that angels come in all guises and we have to be open to them because they are always there. Always when we need them.

My son teaches me a lesson

Yesterday morning was one of those mornings where I felt like I had the world on my shoulders. I woke up in a bad mood. Thoughts bombarding every space in my brain. And I felt anxious for reasons unknown.

So when my children started bickering and would not stop, I snapped. And overreacted in such a way that the whole atmosphere in my house changed with everyone becoming angry with each other. And then I said some things that I am not proud of saying. And my whole body oozed with anger.

As I was driving my children to school I was still seething. The children were as silent as mice and the atmosphere was tense. Chilly to say the least. And then out of the blue my son said, “I’m sorry mommy for causing everyone to be angry.”

And then my heart felt like it was going to break. My whole body shook and I felt a well of emotions bubbling to the surface.  Tears stinging my eyes as I said, “Thank you. And I am sorry as well. I should not have said and done some of the things I did this morning either and I’m not proud of myself. But I want you to understand, though I am your mother, I am human and I am not perfect. So sometimes I make mistakes and this morning was one of those times. It’s no excuse for my actions but I am human. And I'm sorry for how I was."

“I understand," he said.

Then when he got out of the car, he took an extra moment to look me in the eyes and said, “I love you mommy.” Because he wanted me to know he had forgiven me and he wanted to see if I had forgiven him.

My heart almost stopped because my son doesn’t like to waste time getting out of the car in the mornings because he doesn’t want to look like a nerd in front of his friends  but yesterday morning he didn’t care what they thought, he just wanted to make sure we were okay. And I was truly touched by his gesture.

I looked him back in his eyes and said, “Thank you and I love you too.”

I drove away with a lump in my throat and a huge lesson learned. My son had shown me the power of forgiveness by his simple and honest gesture. He broke the ice and showed me just how powerful forgiveness is and how easily it shifts the anger, despair and frustration into feelings of love, wellness and gratitude.

And to my son, my teacher, I am truly grateful.

John Lennon Love is all we really need

There is a certain mystique about my beautiful Island home that is hard to describe. It is a place that people love to hate and hate to love. For reasons unknown. It gets in your blood. In your system. Then before you know it,  you are drawn in. And can’t let go.

In 1980, just before he died, John Lennon sailed with his young son, Sean, to Bermuda through tempestuous seas. Allegedly afraid he would not make it. His journey was so rough. But he fought his way through the rough ocean and landed in paradise. 

Legend has it John fell deeply in love with the mystique that is Bermuda. He had not written a song in five years. But what he did not realise was the tumultuous journey across the ocean was the beginning of his journey to tapping into his creative juices. Opening him up to see all that he had. And to be grateful for his abundance.The journey preparing him for the metamorphosis he was about to experience.

So much so that when he landed in Bermuda and saw colours unlike anywhere else in the world his whole being came alive again. Legend has it that he walked through our picturesque Botanical Gardens and came across a tiny freesia flower called Double Fantasy and fell in love. As he examined that flower, lyrics to songs came into his head for the first time in five years. So much so that he wrote some of his best solo songs while on the Island. Allowing him to compose an entire album before he died and he called that album Double Fantasy in honour of his time in Bermuda.

Last evening my family and I attended the dedication in the Botanical Gardens of a sculpture created by one of our finest artists, Graham Foster, to honour John Lennon. It was a hot and muggy evening, the first day of summer showing us just how unforgiving the summer heat in Bermuda can be. Despite the heat, people gathered from all walks of life to honour John Lennon.

As I looked around the audience, up at the clear blue sky, the sound of birds chirping, the smiles that spread on everyone’s faces when Graham’s amazing sculpture was unveiled, I was reminded as John Lennon probably was all those years before when he wandered around the very gardens we stood in last night, “All we need is love, love, love. Love is all we really need.”

John Lennon was tragically shot in front of his apartment building but the legacy he left behind will live on forever because he understood in his last days that love is all we really need. Allowing himself to open like the petals of the flower. Tapping into the succulence that lives within us all. Revealing the man he was always meant to be.  Writing without abandon.

As I walked through the gallery, reading song after song that John composed while in Bermuda, I could feel the love pouring out of his soul. The release and relief he felt knowing he was still capable of loving. I could feel his energy in the room. And I knew and understood his life may have been tragically cut down before we believed was his time but he had tapped into the magic of his soul and had lived his last days full of love of self and others. How many of us can say the same? Love is all we really need.

Celebrating the day when the sun stands still

Today is the summer solstice – June 21. The first official day of summer when we, in the Northern Hemisphere, get to experience the longest day of the year and the shortest night. The first official day of summer. Conjuring up fun childhood memories for me because the sun has officially crossed the line. And in the home of my youth that meant freedom. Swimming as long as I wanted to. School coming to an end. The ability to roam as I liked for as long as I liked as long as it was daylight. It marked the beginning of the essence of childhood to me. Family picnics and gatherings. People happy and smiling. And now here it is again today. Rolling around every single year.

The day when the sun stands still –deriving its meaning from Latin sol (sun) sistere ( to stand still) and we get to glory in its light.

In the Southern hemisphere it is their shortest day and longest night allowing us to see and understand,  to each action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  While we in the Northern atmosphere are enjoying the official start of summer, the people in the Southern atmosphere are hunkering down for the longest night. And the official start of their winter.

So what is the meaning of a solstice? I wanted to know so I looked on the Internet and found this meaning,

“A solstice is an astronomical event that happens twice each year as the Sun reaches its highest or lowest excursion relative to the celestial equator on the celestial sphere. As a result, on the solstice the Sun appears to have reached its highest or lowest annual altitude in the sky above the horizon at local solar noon. The word solstice is derived from the Latin sol (sun) and sistere (to stand still), because at the solstices, the Sun stands still in declination; that is, the seasonal movement of the Sun's path (as seen from Earth) comes to a stop before reversing direction. The solstices, together with the equinoxes, are connected with the seasons. In many cultures the solstices mark either the beginning or the midpoint of winter and summer.

The term solstice can also be used in a broader sense, as the date (day) when this occurs. The day of the solstice is either the longest day of the year (in summer) or the shortest day of the year (in winter) for any place on Earth outside of the tropics, because the length of time between sunrise and sunset on that day is the yearly maximum or minimum for that place.”

I chose this definition because I find it so romantic that the sun stands still holding on to its light knowing it must reverse direction and gradually let go of its light in order to make way for the darkness. Solidifying in my mind there is a season for everything. A reason for everything. A time for everything. Sometimes we are on top and sometimes not.

Reminding me to try to stand still and hold on to the power when it is mine to hold on to knowing it will slip away from me to make way for someone else to have their turn. Enjoy the moment for what it is. Grateful that I  got to experience it. 

So in honour of the longest day of the year, let’s enjoy the most daylight of any day in the year. Take time to experience the wonders of the outdoors and to appreciate it for what it is. It’s a day we have been building for all year long as we watched the days get progressively longer culminating on this day. So why not enjoy it. After all, as of tomorrow, the light gradually becomes less as the days slowly but surely get shorter. 

Making way for me

Sometimes what we want is not what we need. This thought keeps popping into my head. Like a broken record so I sat down to explore it. To write about it to see where it takes me.

Is my passion meant to be my vocation or is it meant to support my vocation? What am I meant to do with my life where I can be the most effective? Give the most service and be the most helpful to myself and others? How can I carve out enough time to be the best mother to my children? Guide them? Help them make decisions that are good for them? Without controlling their lives. Without taking away their ability to be independent and resourceful themselves?

How can I help them to become responsible individuals? Content with themselves. How can I teach them that failure is not when you try something and it doesn’t work but rather it is not trying at all. How can I be the best example of that myself? When sometimes I’m afraid to put myself out there because I am afraid that I will fail.

I am having great difficulty understanding what it is that I want out of this life. What I need out of this life? Am I meant to spend the rest of my days dreaming about financial freedom? Dreaming about my dream. Dreaming about being successful. All while standing on the sidelines watching others make their dreams come true.

Where is my focus at the moment? Is it on creating this image that everyone else wants me to create rather than on what feels good to my insides? What brings me the most joy? Lately I have been manifesting many things that are taking me on paths so far away from my dream that I am beginning to question what my role in life is supposed to be. Am I fooling myself about who I am or is it just that what I want is not what I need?

Did I make a pact with myself and some Divine Force many years ago that I can’t remember and is that why I am moving in a direction I never expected. Or am I being tested to see if what I want is what I really need? How do we know when we are on the right track? How do we know when we are being our authentic selves? At what point do we stop trying to live out the dreams of others and start living our own lives?

And then I heard a line on one of my new favourite TV series, Mad Men, “It’s about letting things go so you can get what you want.”

Reminding me to let things go in order to make room for what I want and need. Stop questioning all the time. Stop focusing outside of my realm of existence and just be in the moment so I can make room for the opportunities presenting themselves every single day. Stop resisting what is in order to be.

Learning to let go and let it be through my son

I look at my son and all of his adolescent sulkiness and I can’t believe that he has had me longer than I ever had my mother. I look at him and realise just how young and immature I was when I lost my mother. Yet I thought, as he does, that I knew it all. Had seen it all. And no one could tell me otherwise.

I now realise I had conjured my mother up in my head to be a hero because she died before I reached these brooding teenage years. Before she and I ever got to experience the days when I just wanted her to shut up. As I know my son does me now. We never got to experience me looking at her like she had two heads as my son does with me now. All I did, as a teenager, was fantasise that if my mother was here things would be so much better for me. Instead of me feeling so lost and out of place all the time. Feeling like the odd one out.

But now I realise a huge part of adolescence is feeling like the odd one out. Feeling like no one understand what you are going through and feeling alone. I look in my son’s eyes sometimes when we are butting heads and I see something that borders on disgust coming back at me. Then I get angrier and start shouting at him. Which only pushes him further away from me.

I realised last night after he went to bed that more than anything I am hard on my son right now because I am afraid. I am moving into uncharted territory. My son has had me longer as a mother than I ever had with my mother. I don’t know what I am supposed to be like now because I had no role model, no mother, in my life at this stage of his life that I can emulate.

So sometimes it’s hard for me to back off. To stop. Because I am trying to make sure my son becomes the best person he can be and knows he has people that care about him. I want him to experience as much as he can with me, my husband, his sister, and our family just in case something happens to one of us.

I realised last night I live in fear of my family dynamic changing because of how abruptly and without warning mine did all those years before. And I am doing the best I can to make sure everyone gets as much love and attention as I can possibly give in the event something happens to me or to one of us.

The other day my husband, son and I had a long discussion about parenting and rules and what I told my son was, “I have never been a parent before so all this is new to me. I am learning  how to approach parenthood in the same way that you are learning to be a son so we need to work together. Be honest with each other and let each other know when we are going too far so that we can adjust our behaviours to not hurt the other. I have no experience with being a parent so I need your help.”

I don’t know if he believes me but what I know for sure is I can’t be perfect and I can’t create the perfect world for my son. All I have to do is show him that he is loved and wish for the best. I have to remember to stay in the moment and not project into any time beyond it. To remember I am here and so is my whole family in that moment. To savour it. Relish it. And most of all to enjoy it for what it is and brings. Only then will I not panic.

 I have to stop thinking my son should be grateful that he still has a mother. Instead I have to do things that allow my son to be grateful that he has a mother.

Motherhood is the most levelling, humbling and trying experience because it truly is an example of what you give is what you get. And as a mother I am doing the best I can with the battle scars I carry. Remembering my son and I chose each other for a reason. So I just have to let go and let him be. Let it be. And maybe one day I will be my son's hero too because I gave him the wings to fly.

Moving beyond the dream killers

Don’t tell too many people your dreams. There are dream killers out there who want to kill your dreams. Keep your dreams to yourself so they can become your reality.

I heard this advice being given to a young man by his father and it sent chills down my spine. Chills because it resonated with me on such a deep level. We all have dreams and have had dreams. And if we really think about the dreams that have been spoiled, it’s because someone told us they were impossible and out of our reach. So we overanalysed them until we believed they were impossible. Until we believed we were not good enough. Until they no longer were dreams and seemed so far out of our reach.

And then worse, something inside of us died because that dream was so important to us. So much a part of our make up. And we didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know where to turn because suddenly all around us became dark. Unfamiliar. The light snuffed out. And we stop believing in dreams. Stop believing in ourselves. Just stopped.

We moved into automatic pilot. Doing what everyone expected us to do. Stayed within the confines of what was considered safe rather than reaching out again and finding that dream and resurrecting it. This time not telling anybody about it. This time just quietly doing what we have to do to manifest that dream.

Because we recognise without dreams, we are nothing. Dreams are portals to our soul. Glimpses into the who we are meant to be. Instruments for us to reach beyond the stars and moon. Opening us to the impossible. Tapping us into our imaginations.

Some of us allow our imaginations to carry us into that which everyone us tells us is impossible. And we achieve it. While others shut off their imaginations thinking they are foolish, impossible and fantasy. Causing them to stagnate. And that is why some of us make it and others don’t. Some of us believe there is no such thing as impossible. Because some of us believe and accept if we think it, we can be it.

One of the greatest dangers of our society is limiting ourselves to the beliefs of others. Of thinking and believing we are not good enough for our dreams. Telling too many people what our dreams are and allowing them to smash them. Dash them because they have been brainwashed to not believe.

So I agree with that father wholeheartedly. There are too many dream killers out there and the reason there are is because someone told them that dreams are impossible. And they believed and their souls were crushed. So they end up living a life of mediocrity and they want everyone else to join them. But we don’t have to. I don’t have to because my dreams are my dreams. No one else’s and it’s up to me to live the life of my dreams. Shutting out the naysayers. And opening my wings to allow my dreams to carry me to the heights I am meant to be.

Here's to moving beyond the dream killers and opening ourselves to all that we are meant to be because after all we are products of our imagination.

My daughter reminding me not to take the everyday for granted

This morning I hugged my nine year old daughter tight to me. Realising for the first time just how much she has grown. Taking notice of the fact that she is growing up so fast and right in front of my face. Because I see her every day, I take so much of her growth for granted.

But this morning was different. She was leaving to go on her Brownie Pack Holiday for 3 days on one of the Islands. So the hug was extra heartfelt and special. My awareness of her was heightened because I wanted to take her in – all of her. Knowing I wouldn’t be seeing her every day for the next 3 days. Knowing she is slowly but surely walking away from me to her own independent life.

And this time when I hugged her I realised I was not reaching down anymore to hug her. That I was standing almost erect hugging her. Her head slightly protruding above my underarm. I stood back and looked at her. Her legs have grown longer. Her body starting to mature and realised my baby is becoming a young lady right before my eyes. I have always thought of her as petite. Shorter than most everyone else in her class and for that reason I overlooked her growth. Thinking she is going to be small forever. Forgetting that though she may be small compared to others, she is growing in her own right. Realising it won’t be long before her bags are packed and she will be walking out of my home into her own.

When we got to the dock, she jumped out of the car. Resisting my attempts to help her with her bag (which was one of the largest ones there) because she said she had to get used to pulling it herself. Her Brownie leader had told them they have to be responsible for carrying their own bags. I watched her walking away from me before I even finished parking the car. Head high. Determined shoulders. Confidence in her stride and a tear came to my eye. Knowing she is going to be okay. Knowing she can hold her own.

As she and her friends boarded the boat, she called for us – her family – my husband, her brother and me- so that we could hug her before she boarded. Seeing my little baby in her face again. In her desire to be hugged. Feeling warm that she still wants to be hugged. As she boarded, she kept waving to us. Calling out to us. Tears in her eyes. Trying her best not to let them spill. Trying not to look like a dork to her friends. But calling out to us constantly so we could wave to her. Waving frantically as the boat pulled away from the dock along with my heart as I followed the boat until I could see it no more. Remembering and treasuring the look of innocence on my baby’s face. The image of her biting her bottom lip. Her beautiful face turned up to us like a pixie.

Whispering to the Universe, Be safe. Asking it to keep my baby girl safe as she went off on her 3 day camp. Not sure if I was shaking due to the  unusually cool weather for this time of the year  or the worry I felt letting my daughter go off on her adventure. Shaking it off, smiling, and blinking back the tears, I walked away from the dock with my remaining family wishing my daughter well. Willing her to be safe.

Reminding me not to take the everyday of my children, of my husband, of my life for granted because it is who we are and what we are. And our everyday is changing constantly. Subtly enough that we don't even notice. But changing it is.

Life really is like a game of cards

“Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.” Jawaharlal Nehru

I always thought free will was doing what we liked when we liked. I never thought of it as a means for changing the hand we have been dealt in life. I thought freewill came when we had everything we wanted. Could do anything we wanted. I thought freedom was a prize at the end. I never believed it was a journey the whole way through life. This quote made me realise otherwise. We are always free. Always in a position to change our direction. We are always free to choose the the hand we are dealt and the way we play our hand.

And now I realise choices are synonymous with freewill. In order to play this game called life in the way we want, we have to accept we have the freewill to do so. Though this sounds good on paper, I wasn’t sure about its meaning in practicality. I questioned that we may have free will but what about the responsibilities that come with the hand we have been dealt? What about people that rely on us? How do they factor into free will? And who determines the hand we get? Is it us or is it something larger than we are?

I had to contemplate these questions for quite some time. Mulling this way and that. Thinking about those times when I got the worst hand in cards. Thinking about the times when I threw my hand in because there was no way I could win. And remembering feeling a huge sense of defeat. Thinking about other times when knowing I could not win but I stayed in and played and got great satisfaction -  laughing at myself for not thinking differently. Or the times when I got the best hand and breezed through the game.

Life is like that, we are given exactly what we ask for. The hand we are dealt is as a result of the messages we send out to the Universe. It is the answer to our prayers.  So in answer to some of my questions, I realised quite simply that the responsibilities come from the way we played the game and what we asked for – we chose to become parents. Now we have to face the consequences of the responsibilities that come with it. We chose to get married. So we have to face the responsibility of being a couple. We chose the careers we are. So we either stick with them or change them.

Where we are today, at this very moment, is because of what we asked for and the way we played the game of life. No one else made us choose which way to play. Only we could do that. Yes, sometimes we believe the hand we have been given is stacked against it. But it hasn’t. It is exactly what we asked for. If we send mixed messages to the Universe, that’s what we get in return.

So really it is up to us to accept that determinism does not define the outcome. It helps to set us on course to become the best people we can be. But the journey, the way we play the games, the power of free will are all ours. We just have to be brave enough, strong enough, and innovative enough to play the game knowing at any time we can alter our course by learning the lessons we asked for in the first place. Knowing we must frame what we ask for because we will get it.

Knowing deep within that freewill is not the destination, not the outcome. Rather accepting that freewill is the journey of the hand of cards we asked for. Knowing life really is like a game of cards.

Only when we are ready to receive

Yesterday I was walking past one of the large windows at work when something compelled me to stop and look outside. So I did. And the beauty that greeted me was almost indescribable.

The humidity is unusually low for this time of the year. And when it is low all the colours look so crisp and vibrant. So the greens are much greener than usual. The blues more hypnotic. Outside of the window was like an oasis – what one would dream of if they were stuck in a desert. In front of me in a circular garden were several palm trees looking lush beyond the imagination. But they were real. They were in the middle of green grass that looked like it was painted. But it hadn’t. It was real.

Beyond that was the turquoise ocean gently flowing in the harbour. Boats, yachts bobbing up and down in an azure dream. Like a scene out of a romantic novel. Looking up at the perfect sky with a few clouds floating by, I was captivated. Thinking I walk past that window most every day and wondering why I had never stopped to look outside. Never even noticed the beauty that is there for me whenever I need it – of course it helps to see it on a perfect day such as yesterday.

And then I knew I was being sent a reminder from the Universe – a reminder to stop and look at what is right in front of my face- free and accessible to lift my spirits whenever I need a lift. A reminder to not always have my mind focused on what is so far beyond me that I forget to see what is right in front of me.

I stood at the window for a few minutes more. Not worrying about what others would think about me standing there -  taking it all in. Not rushing myself away. Enjoying the feeling that was taking over me. Feeling my breath slowing down. Feeling the tension oozing out of me. Feeling lighter and full of peace, love, light and abundance. Recognising even when we are locked away in office settings, the outside is always there when we are ready for its gifts and abundance. It’s just beyond the windows and doors – always ready to give. But only when we are ready to receive.

A Journey just begun

“Well friends ,this is probably the hardest thing that I have had to post. as is it here in my Hospital room waiting to go home. The doctor has told me that I probably have six months to live. While I hope I have more time you never know. Thank you for all of your continued support.”

This was a message I came home to from a woman I met by chance in May of 2010. She and I were two of the top ten fundraisers for the O Live your Best Life walk through New York. Earning us the right to walk side by side with Oprah on a very chilly Mother’s Day. Treated like VIPs for a short time in the morning until it was time to start the walk.

We stood on stage with Ms. Oprah – all of us giddy with excitement at the opportunity to share the stage with our role model. We left the stage behind Oprah as she started the walk. And then there was a stampede of people as we tried to assume our positions. Chaos ensued and Oprah, for her own safety, was whisked out of the walk to avoid being crushed by the overexcited walkers.

At first I walked alone. Wondering how I had come so close to my dream yet so far away from it. Feeling somewhat sorry for myself. Knowing my chances of being in the presence of Oprah had been dashed. I walked on thinking, grumbling until I encountered a woman that I recognised as one of my fellow top ten fundraisers. She looked like she needed company. So I slowed down to her pace. Chatting with her. Encouraging her. We stayed with each other getting to know each other. Arm in arm sometimes as she told me of her courageous journey to raise as much money as she could because she had been diagnosed with Ovarian cancer. She was in remission at the time. Saying it was her dream to walk with Oprah. My heart went out to her because here I was feeling sorry for myself when this woman had fought cancer and had made it her mission to come to walk with Oprah. Realizing my upset was nothing compared to hers. Feeling shame flowing through me as I looked at my new friend.

I knew instantly she had been sent to me as an angel to wake me up to all I had to be grateful for. I looked her deep in the eyes and saw a light deep within them. A sparkle. So I stayed with her. Walked with her. Talked about life with her. Giving up on being at the front of the crowd walking across the finish line. Accepting this woman’s side was where I was meant to be.

Taking in her spirit. Her determination. We forged a friendship despite the fact we were from different worlds. Two women thrust together in a shared dream of meeting Oprah. Our friendship, though distant, has remained through the power of Facebook. Me in Bermuda. She in Texas. Like two sisters encouraging each other through our trials. Sneaking into each other’s lives whenever necessary. Checking in with each other when the need is there.

And then I came home and saw this post from her and chills ran through me. Tears stinging my eyes as I thought about my sister.  Thinking wow, even with her end looming she is still reaching out. Still fighting. Still informing. Still being the beautiful and strong woman I met two years ago. Not by chance but by life’s synchronicity.

I felt sad because I wondered what she was thinking. How she was truly feeling. How she felt posting that she was facing the end of her human days and could be about to pass through the doors of eternity. A place we are all guaranteed to go. A place none of us will escape.

The difference being she now has somewhat of an end date – could be more or less. How does that make one feel? What are we meant to do knowing the end is near? Do we look back or forward or is it at that time that we realise and understand now is all we have and we truly accept its meaning for what it is.

I had to write this post to my dear friend because she is my inspiration and my reminder that we all have to live our best lives because it’s all we’ve got. And the irony is that’s how I met my friend. Two women who started a campaign as strangers in different parts of the world ending a walk as lifelong friends despite our differences and distance. True friendship remains even when there is nothing more to say. True friendship endures. Because there are no expectations.

To my beautiful friend in Texas may you live your best life ever from now on. I’ll be rooting for you. With love. With gratitude. With sadness and happiness. With faith. And without regret. It is what it is. Your journey has just begun.

The power of self

Yesterday I was interviewed by someone who is doing research for her PhD. She asked me what was my career path. To which I responded I have never set goals for myself. Instead I have always just lived day by day. Not projecting too far into the future. Not worrying about what had happened in my past.

I told her perhaps it’s because my mother died suddenly and so young that I realised at a young age that tomorrow is not promised to anyone. That the only moment we have is the moment we are living in. That often people focus too much on the destination that they forget to enjoy the journey along the way. They don’t see what’s right in front of their faces because they are looking for the ultimate prize – their goals. I have seen far too many people set the lives around timeframes. Goals. Destinations. And then when they reach those targeted dates and they have not achieved what they wanted to achieve, they become disenfranchised. Disappointed. So much so they convince themselves they are failures.

I have always tried to live my life by being the best I can be and as a result I have ended up in positions and places I never dreamed possible. Sometimes laughing at the woman I have become from that frightened girl who had no one.

And then last night I saw a quote that helped me to understand that as I near fifty, I need not panic or worry about how much time I have left. I need not worry that I should be planning for my future. I need not change the way I view life because, “The Warrior Spirit stands to gain far more than just realising his deepest goals, He knows power is hidden in personal growth.”

Since the day of my mother’s death, through my dark teenage years, through university and its trials, through career moves and to the present moment, I told the interviewer yesterday, I am constantly learning. Constantly seeing the lessons in every tumble I take. In every success I achieve. I am constantly reminded that I do not know it all. That I am human. Not a machine. Therefore I am flawed and have to acknowledge my flaws from time to time. Forgive myself for them and forgive others for expecting me to be perfect so I can learn lessons from those flaws and move on.

I understood last night that the Warrior Spirit is deep within me. Deep within us all.  Reminding me to not focus too much on the destination (goals) but instead free my mind to attain the power of self. Only then will I gain the wings to fly.

Nothing but love

Last evening I was feeling so full of love that everywhere I looked I saw and felt love. Until I almost sabotaged it.

My children had gone off for the afternoon leaving my husband and me alone to have some quality time together. Every couple with children needs some alone time together. Time to reconnect. Relax with each other. Plan. And just be in each other’s presence. Appreciating each other for what each brings to the marriage.

We sat out on our porch talking about life. About some of the challenges we are facing as a couple. As parents. Trying to navigate our way through the haze that sometimes confronts us. But it was without tension or upset this time because we both came into the discussion from a place of love. Neither one of us trying to prove anything to the other or ourselves. Just discussing and being.

Against the backdrop of trees bursting with summer. Cherry trees full of cherries – more cherries than I have seen since we moved into our house 6 years ago. In places I didn’t even know there were cherry trees. Greenery everywhere. Low humidity and a gentle breeze. Clear skies and quiet. Peace. The first day of June without any rain. Celebrating our union. Our togetherness.  Our love. Accepting it comes in waves. Sometimes good. Other times not. But love all the same if we ride the waves. On the crest of a good one yesterday.

Appreciating all the work my husband has done to bring our home to the standard it is today from where it was when we bought it. Appreciating taking the time to sit. Not feeling the need to run around. Putting aside some of our responsibilities so we could take the time to chat and look at each other, really look at each other,  without the interference of children and their demands or the outside world and its demands.

We sat drinking a glass of wine. Eating some nibbles. Basking in the sunshine. The comfort of our home. Just the two of us. And it was heaven sent from above.  Just what we needed on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

And then poof. In an instant I almost sabotaged our beautiful Sunday together when the children came home. The house became noisier. Lunch boxes had to be prepared for school. Gym bags packed. Preparations for the next day taking precedence over the moment my husband and I had shared. I felt the weight of my responsibility to my family start to creep back in. Pulling me into the darkness. As I began to project into tomorrow rather than remaining in the moment.

Anxiety came rushing in. Happy for the opening I gave it. Anger started to creep in. Quickly and delighting in its ability to replace my joy. Snapping out of it only when my son said, “Mommy why are you so mad at me?”

Realising I was not mad at him or my husband but I was mad because I had allowed myself to retreat to the dark side embracing all that is dark rather than appreciating all the love I had shared that day and the love that was surrounding me at that moment. I looked into my son’s eyes and my husband’s who stood waiting for my answer and I felt the weight of my sorrow seep out of me. Allowing the light and love back in. I inhaled it deeply letting go of tomorrow. Letting go of the fretting. Telling my son I was not angry with him. Telling him I love him. And feeling it.

I woke up this morning still feeling that love. Lying in bed reminiscing about yesterday. Whispering positive affirmations to myself as I got out of bed feeling like love. Like pink. Telling myself  I will try to carry that love with me as I leave my husband and my children to go to work. Feeling that love surrounding me taking me to a place of peace, serenity and contentment. Basking me in the colour pink enabling me to project love to whomever comes into my space. Treasuring the love I felt for my husband on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Feeling gratitude about the love of my family last night. Waking up with it this morning.

Remembering that love feeling when I feel the Monday morning blues try to creep in. Remembering there is nothing but love. So why not embrace it? Surrender to it. Love love.

Finding my joy

What brings me the most joy?

My Florida sisters had this question on their website a while back and it has been haunting me ever since. The question coming and going in my mind. Whirling. Twirling. Upside down. Inside out. But there nonetheless.

Forcing me to ask, if I had all the money in the world and could choose to do anything I wanted what would bring me the most joy.

Number one would be being at home with my family.

Knowing my children’s educational expenses were secure and they could have the choice of universities they wanted to attend

Knowing my husband was content with himself

Knowing I am content with myself

Knowing my family unit is content with each other

Writing from sun up to sun down and then some  more in between

Spreading my joy and abundance to those who least expect it but need it

Spreading my love and light to those who are facing their darkest hour

Letting them know that we all face our deepest darkest demons when we are in a process of immense growth. When we are being given the opportunity to really see the face in the mirror. When we have to define who we are and who we are not.

Being able to walk in nature whenever I want to without feeling confined to do what someone else wants me to do

Remembering joy comes from a place deep within us and can be sourced at all time. Remembering it is joy that attracts more joy into our lives. Living outside of joy is what repels our dreams from us because we are not allowing ourselves to be open

Feeling joy from deep within our souls allows us to open our hearts to the everyday abundance and joy in our lives.

So now I know that even if I don’t have to have all the money in the world to source my joy, it is up to me everyday to bring it to the forefront so that I can experience the joy that is ever present through the simple acts of breathing, of waking up, of confronting my darkest shadow self. Of growing more. Of learning more. Of exploring more.

Joy is in everything we do. It just depends on whether we look at the glass as half empty or half full.

Every experience whether good or bad is there to bring us joy because it is helping us to understand we can shift our consciousness every single time to either look at the experience as an opportunity or a trial. Whether we will paint ourselves as a victim or victor. Whether we can overcome or succumb. Whether we can embrace joy or reject it. If we choose the positive side of the experience we will feel joy like no other because of what we have overcome.

So what brings me joy? Joy itself and my ability to look at it and see it for what it is. All encompassing, inspiring and infinite.

May you find your joy today without searching but by just being.

Joy to the world today and to you and to me.

Hooked on Mad Men

Okay I have a real confession to make. I am totally and utterly hooked on The Mad Men  series. I don’t usually watch television because I  tell myself I am too busy to do something so trivial.

I was in a client meeting a couple of years ago and the client mentioned that she loved the Mad Men series. At the time I had never heard of it. But she is someone that I respect so the name of the show stayed hidden within my consciousness.

A year later I was in a video shop and I saw ads for Mad Men. Triggering my memory but I cast it aside. Then I went into another shop, Banana Republic, and they had the Mad Men Collection of clothing. Romantic, womanly type clothing. Fabulous accessories. Suits with a little faux fur around them. Dresses that looked so elegant and feminine at the same time. Classic styles with a twist. Exactly my style. I fell in love with the fashions.  Heightening the memory of my dinner with the client. And I knew something was willing me to get the boxed sets of the series. So I bought all four seasons. Not even worrying that I may not like any of it.

And then my job shut down and I went into a hiatus - trying to find me. Writing like crazy. Questioning like crazy. Searching everywhere. For nine months. And I forgot all about Mad Men.

I started working in the corporate world again in January of this year and bumped into the same client from a few years back at a conference in April. And just seeing her reawakened my consciousness to The Mad Men series. When I got home, the boxed sets kept calling my name. I resisted them for a short time more telling myself I was too busy to watch. Feeling guilty about wasting time watching TV instead of doing something more important like write.  

But the urge to watch it was too great so I gave in. And when I did, I was taken aback by the tone of the series. At first I thought it was sexist, racist and condensing. But something about Don Draper, Betty, Joan, Roger and Peggy kept me watching. I wanted and needed to see what their characters were all about. The glamour of these people was so alluring. Yet it was irritating at the same time. There was an air of mystery lingering under the surface that I could not quite get enough of so I had no choice but to keep watching. By the time I got to episode 3, I was hooked.

Each character on Mad Men is so complex. And that complexity can even be found in the background characters. Each intertwined in ways they don't even understand. With layers of stuff going on beneath the surface that it is fascinating to watch. They are depictions of the way people lived in the early 60s. The beginning of my era. Me being a child of the 60s. And in some ways they remind me of the same struggles we are facing today. Fighting the demons of self, where we fit into the grand scheme of things. Ego stroking. Love. Hate. The trials and tribulations of marriage. The challenges of children. And parenthood. The challenges of image. The challenges of a career. Of facing the person in the mirror and knowing who that person is. Of forgiveness. It has me hooked because I am ready for the messages that I am getting from it. Recognising now I had to wait until I ready to receive them.

Sometimes I see myself in Don Draper. Other times I see myself in Betty. Other times in Peggy. And Joan. Letting me know that we are constantly changing. Our roles constantly reversing. Reminding me to treat others as I want to be treated because one day I will be faced with that person’s challenges . To recognise that every person that comes into my life is there for a reason. Either to reflect who I am or who I do not want to be. 

There's a little something about me that I can see in each one of the characters and that's why I am rooting for them because all of us want to succeed and all of us has something that we are suppressing about who we really are and what we really want out of life. And that's why I am hooked.

Mad Men is well worth watching and I'm glad I followed my instincts and got the series.

Closing and Opening

I have a ritual. Every night I close the blinds in my house. On all 44 windows. I walk from one to the other shutting out the outside world. Honing in on the inside and intimate world of me and my family. Allowing myself to feel safe and cocooned from everything that is going on outside of me and my family. Outside of my home. Allowing me to focus on calming my thoughts. Reflecting on the day. The coziness of home. The comfort of home and family. Releasing any tensions without fear of reprehension.

Every morning when I wake up I open the blinds in my office. Slowly opening my mind to the outside. Readying myself  to see what the day brings. Readying myself to see the dawning of a new day. Readying myself to start inviting the outside back into my life. Readying myself to embrace all that is outside of me and my family. Readying myself to the light of a new day.

As the morning progresses and my family begins to wake, I walk around to the rest of the windows opening the blinds allowing the full outside in. Seeing the new day from different vantage points.

Every day I carry out this ritual. Feeling uncomfortable if I don’t do it. Feeling like something is missing if I don’t. I know I need to close out the outside at night both metaphorically and physically. The act of closing down the blinds in my house does that for me. It provides me with the physical act of saying good bye to the outside. Allowing me to go to a place deep within me to process what has happened during my day without any outside influences  - which is why I rarely talk on the telephone to anyone at night. And then when it is time for my family to separate. The children in bed. My husband doing his thing. I have the time to be alone. To contemplate. To write my grateful journal. To do what I need to wind the day down. To wind my mind down.

But then when I awake in the morning, the closed down house feels like I am hemmed in so I need to open the blinds. I need to let the light of the new day, even if it is grey, to come through my windows. Stream through my consciousness. Waking me up to going outside of me and my family again. I need to mentally prepare myself for going out there again. Out in the outside world. Opening the blinds provides me with the physical means of remembering I will be starting over again. A new day. But I have made peace with nature watching it change even before I step outside the door. Letting me know that change is good. Change is necessary. As long as we take the time to be with ourselves, nothing on the outside can affect us unless we allow it. Unless it is time for it to impact us.

Remembering that we have to open and close ourselves in order to know ourselves. In order to know who we are and what we are capable of. My ritual of closing and opening the blinds does that for me. Because it lets me know to every ending there is a beginning and to every beginning there is an ending. Opening and Closing. Closing and Opening. Embracing the process of change through my simple ritual of closing and opening my blinds every day.

Life lessons from a toilet

At work there is a particular toilet in the ladies room that does not flush on the first flush.  Or if you flush it too gingerly. It has to be flushed a certain way. If not whatever was left in there remains long after the culprit has gone.

Frequently, I walk into that stall because it is the first stall and find it has not been flushed properly. And it used to irritate the life out of me because I don’t like seeing anyone else’s business. Nor do I want to see anyone else’s business. But I like that first stall because it’s the first one I come to particularly on those days when I have waited too long and every step counts.

So I have been thinking a lot about that stall. Trying to figure out why it bothers me so much. And what it is trying to teach me.

And then I realised that bathroom stall was not meant to anger me but to remind me of several lesson as follows:

1.       Sometimes we have to look behind before we move ahead to make sure all the mess behind us has been cleaned up. Flushed away from our consciousness making room for us to move forward with a clean slate.

2.       Always check what we have done to make sure we leave a trail someone wants to follow not run away from.

3.       The closest stall is not always the best stall. We need to remember to give ourselves a little extra time to get to another stall in the event the first one is not clean. Don’t wait to the last minute to do what we have to do because then we have to make choices we often don’t want to make.

4.       Make sure whatever we leave is as clean as we would like it. As good as we found it - if not better. Be considerate.

5.        Be prepared to break routines when things are not as clean as we would like for them to be. Change tactics. Don’t get angry. Move to the next stall. The next thing. It’s all about choices.

6.       Just flush the toilet and move to the next one so no one else has to see what we saw. In other words sometimes cleaning up someone else’s mess is not as bad as we think particularly if it makes life easier for the next person. And for us.

7.       There is more than one stall in most bathrooms. It’s all about timing and choices. Just like life there is more than one direction to take, more than one choice to make. As long as we remain open to change.

Amazing life right?  Who would have thought I would have learnt something from a temperamental toilet in the first bathroom stall at work? Reminding me there are lessons in every experience of our lives. No matter how trivial and mundane they may appear on the surface. Because they are the ones that often torment us the most. They are there for a reason. Nonflushing toilets and all. To remind us to be considerate, patient, clean and mindful of from when we have come.

There's a place deep within us all

There’s a place deep inside of all of us that knows exactly what we want and need. A place where dreams are created. Where inspiration and aspiration thrive. Where fairies dance and leprechauns sing without being suppressed.

There’s a place deep within us all where imagination soars. Where ego does not exist. Where stories come from. Where freedom lives.

There’s a place within us all that understands and knows the mysteries of life. Where fantasy is reality . Where reality is fantasy. Where there is light inside of darkness.

There’s a place within us all called silence and reverence. Where we can access the Divine. Where we can see there is no beginning or end. Where we can love abundantly. Where we can sing like the best songstress in the world. Where we can dance like the best dancer in the world. Where we can be whatever we want to be. Fluid. Dynamic.

There’s a place deep within us all that says I am because I am. That allows the true essence of our being to roam freely. With no inhibitions. No fear. No restrictions.

There’s a place where when we close our eyes and ask the Divine to hear our prayers, our innermost desire, we can see clearly. That place is accessible to us at all times when we allow ourselves to stop and listen and be still. Very still. Without interference. Without judgement.

That place is there for us all when we truly want it. It’s a hard place to remain in because we see what we want and we fear it. We don’t believe in it. We don’t think we deserve it. We don’t want to believe we have the power to shift our lives because sometimes it’s easier to look for blame outside of ourselves. Easier to point our finger at our circumstances for explanations of why we are where we are. Rather than accepting we create the circumstances because of the choices we make.

Rather than stilling ourselves for as long as it takes us to access that place deep within us that knows who we are and why we are. Rather than accepting who we are and why we are. Rather than confronting who we are and why we are.

There’s a place deep within us all that knows exactly what we need and what we want. It’s a place that whispers to us when we are lost; “I am here with you always when you need me. When you are still and listen. I am because you are because we are because it is. I am he is she is it is all. I am you and you are me.”

Morning has broken

“Morning has broken. Like the first morning.  Blackbird has spoken. Like the first bird. Praise for the singing. Praise for the morning. Praise for them springing fresh from the world.”

Those were the words that came to mind this morning when I woke up. Feeling the innocence of my youth flowing through me. When I used to sing that song in assembly feeling like the world was my own. When I believed in my dreams. When I thought my possibilities were endless.

And then I opened the blinds to see a perfect day breaking. I woke this morning with the mindset of setting a good intention for the day, for the week. To start this week of with purpose and positivity. And when I opened the window I was greeted by nature at its best.

Different hues of orange and red as the clouds floated across the sky against the backdrop of the rising sun. A gentle breeze wafting through my slightly opened windows. A stillness that’s almost indescribable. Silhouettes of the trees and leaves against the dawn sky.

And I felt the force of life and abundance flow through me. Accepting there are some things we are not meant to understand. Accepting I am limited in my human beliefs. But surrounded by the infinite of the Universe I exist within.

Grateful that I am here living and breathing for another day. Grateful that I really do have all I need to be here.

Watching a little kiskadee sitting on the chair directly outside my window. Wondering what the tapping noise of my keyboard is. His head angling toward me with every tap. Listening to the sound of the rooster shouting his morning sound. Understanding there is so much in the world. So much to go around.

Feeling so confident and secure in where I am for the moment. Holding on to that feeling while it last. Not trying to superimpose anything on it.

Not panicking because I can’t get online. Just writing and hoping that when the time is right I will find a connection. Filling myself up with the possibilities that exist for me today. Praying that I will keep my eyes and ears and all of me open to every possibility that presents itself to me even when it may frighten me.

Feeling a tingling sensation going through my whole body because I have set my intention for the day. To be as open, as compassionate, as loving, as giving, and as forgiving as I possibly can in order to attract what is rightfully mine.

Here’s to another week. This time with gratitude. And as I type these last words, my Internet connection just came on. Proving to me that when we surrender and accept a solution is always found. And for this lesson I am truly grateful.

And then I listened to Cat Stevens singing Morning has Broken. Filling me with incredible joy. Try it. It will make your heart, mind, body and soul sing. Glory to this morning and this day. A new beginning.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oa-mWuBY-is.

Going back to the basics of life

It’s a beautiful Saturday morning. The sun is out in full blast. A gentle breeze is blowing. The sky has that Bermuda haze that lets you know it’s going to be a humid day.

I should be out doing what I have to do but I felt compelled to sit and write and explore the stuff that’s going on inside me. To understand the chatter that is relentless. Asking me to question what it is that I want out of life instead of wishing. Asking me to have the nerve to ask for what I want instead of wishing. Asking me to just go for it and let the chips fall where they may. Instead of wishing.

I woke up this morning with the sun streaming through my windows. Feeding me with light and hope. Letting me know that I am a part of all of this. So what am I? A contributor or taker.

Lately I have had the urge to do more. Be more. Be of service to our society. Instead of sitting on the sidelines and complain about everything and do nothing to change. Change comes from a place deep within all of us.

Perhaps I am thinking too large. Trying to be too grandiose in my way of thinking. Perhaps I just need to accept that I cannot go out into the world and change other people but I can change the way I view the world and my place in it. And then I will accept who I am and be who I am allowing those that desire to be instruments of change to come into my space. Feeding enlightened energy. Combining our energies and spreading it to others who come into our space.

So is this what the Universe is trying to tell me? That instead of looking for the next big thing, “I have to go back to the basics of life: forgiveness, courage, gratitude, love and human. I seek inner peace.” Thanks Louise Hay Quote of the Day for being my guide. For helping me to see by going back to the basics of life, I will I be of service that I want to be because I will be a part of the positive energy our society desires.

Yes I think it is and that is exactly what I want to do and will do. I will use the energy that poured into me this morning with the rising sun and use my intention of being a beacon of light today and see what the day brings. Not expecting. Not interfering. Just being a contributor. Not trying to take anything from anyone or anything. Just giving.

Happy Saturday everyone.

It's the first day of June

It’s the first day of June today. Another new month to explore. Another new beginning. Reminding me that there are new beginnings every time we wake up in the morning. Every time we turn the page on something in our lives.

Every time a new month comes along I am reminded of how quickly life is slipping by. How time is not waiting for me or for anyone else. It is ticking along because that’s what it does. Can you believe we are halfway through this year already? I can’t. I remember the beginning of the year coming around and I was thinking about what lay ahead for me. Instead of focusing on what was right in front of me.

And now here it is six months gone and I realise I still have so much living to do. So much possibility I have yet to explore because I think I have so much time to do it in. But time is reminding me I don’t if I don’t seize the moment. Be in the moment.

 I woke up to the sound of pouring rain for the first of June contrary to all the weather reports . Reminding me that we can not predict Mother Nature. She is as temperamental as it comes. Surprising us when we least expect.

I am looking out the window and it is grey, pouring with rain and not a glimmer of sunlight anywhere. The sound of the rain coming and going. Sometimes thunderous.  Other times delicate.  And whenever it stops I can hear the sound of nature coming alive. The tree frogs singing. The birds chirping back and forth. Their volume increases after each downpour. Relief mixed with joy is the sound.

Making me question whether their volume has increased or is it just that I can hear them again because there is a change in sound. Have they been singing all along but because they are constant background noise I don’t hear them unless there is a change?

Is this my lesson for today? That sometimes we have to remember and appreciate what’s there in the background every single day. Not take it for granted. Not dismiss its importance or presence. Are the things in the background of our lives there to provide a touchstone for us all? To remind us we need them in our lives every day to remain focused. Constantly there even when all else around us is changing.

It’s dark and rainy outside on this first day of June. The month when Spring gives way to Sumner. When Hurricane season officially starts. When heat unlike any other comes rolling in. When the longest daylight of the year occurs. And then it gradually gets shorter each day thereafter.

And today is not what I expected reminding me to expect the unexpected and just go with it. Feel it. Ride it. Live it and be grateful for every unexpected moment as well as expected ones. Here’s to a month of change – the only constant in our lives. And here’s to the pouring rain. Background characters, sounds and things that ground us. Keep us focused.

Here’s to the month of June. Whatever it may bring. Miracles. Surprises. Magic. Shifts. The Expected and Unexpected.  And the Unexplained.