Touching story of a man who sees cancer as his gift

My husband told me a touching story the other night. The story about a man we know who looked death in the eye only to experience the greatest joy he has ever felt. The story of a man who told my husband that if he had to do it all again, he would not change a single thing. You see this man is fighting cancer – an aggressive cancer that came out of the blue. A cancer that nearly claimed him on several occasions. A cancer that has caused him so much pain. Yet he sees this cancer, his cancer as a gift, as something he would not change.

Through cancer this man has been able to see with clear eyes the suffering in the world. So much pain that he was not aware of before or had chosen to ignore. He has seen people with the fronts of their face completely ravaged by cancer but still these people encourage him on and tell him he is going to be okay. He has seen children, young children, as skeletal as he was during his worst who still find reason to play and have fun.

He has heard the anguish of a mother who wanted the doctors to know she could not die because she has children. Heard her anguished cries to save her from death. To give her more time. And then when she realized she was not alone in the room, walked to his curtains, opened them, stood and looked at him. Their eyes locking. Their souls connecting. Their stories told to each other without words ever being spoken. Their shared pain understood in that twenty second frame. An intimate moment, without uttering a word, connecting them on a level he has never connected with anyone in his life before. Letting him know there is more to communication than words. More to life than we can ever understand until we face our own mortality. Our own glimpse into death.

He told my husband about the day he asked to walk outside after undergoing intense chemo treatments. Robbing him of his vitality and strength. Refusing a taxi ride to the apartment he was to share with his wife for the weekend because he felt the urge to be outside. Felt the urge to feel and experience life. Not through a window. Not through an enclosure but through being in it. And when he got outside, he looked up and around and saw life through the eyes of a child experiencing it for the first time – the blue sky, the green grass, the abundance and vividness of colour from the flowers and he began to sob. Uncontrollably sob because what he was taking in was life at its very best in its simplest form. The beauty of nature. He was seeing and experiencing pure and unadulterated joy in a way he had never experienced it before.

He fell to the ground - his senses overwhelmed and titillated by the beauty he was experiencing through the eyes of a man who had been to hell and back again during his chemo treatments. Rendering him speechless because he was so full of joy. So full of life. So full of gratitude. His wife panicking thinking he was in pain. Not realizing what he was experiencing was an appreciation for the beauty that we walk past every single day. The beauty we take for granted. The beauty we do not see or appreciate because it is so every day. So passé.

My husband, without realizing it, was the man’s angel for the day. Allowing him to express all the joy and life he has experienced as a result of his pain. As a result of his cancer. As a result of his brush with death.  My husband said he knew the man needed him on a level he could not explain so he stood and let the man talk. Let the man cry. Let the man feel and express the romance of the life he was living as a result of his pain.

And when the man was done, my husband hugged him and told him he was honored to have had the opportunity to listen and to experience what the man had experienced. That he was honored to have shared such an intimate moment with the man. And then their time was done. Each walking away a different man. One whose burden was less heavy and the other whose step was much lighter.

Because what the man did not realize was that he was my husband’s angel as well. Reminding him about the joy of life from its simplicity. Nudging him to know how quickly life can change and how he too must appreciate living as much as he can.

Two men brought together, my husband and this man, to remind each other there is no greater joy than gratitude and living life as fully as they can. Tears of pain that lead to tears of joy. Joy and pain. Pain and joy – one in the same. Two men in a parking lot framed by life itself. In all its joy and pain. In all their joy and pain. Namaste.

Falling in love is a beautiful thing

Falling in love is a beautiful thing

A liberating thing

A pill called ecstasy

For free

It opens us

Wide

To the World

Here and Now

It makes us vulnerable

Fragile

Fresh

It allows us to explore

Deep

Deep

Down

It sends shivers up and down our spine

It allows us to breathe

Really breathe

And closes no doors

But leaves them all open

Beckoning us

To enter

Whichever one we choose

It is the sun rising in the morning

The burst of red

In a sun setting sky

It is the smell of a rose

The call of a dove

The waves crashing on the shore

It is the music of life

That which sustains us

And maintains us

Yet grows us

There is nothing like

Falling in love

With who we are and what we are

There is nothing like the rush

Of falling in love

And it can come every day

In every way

Unexpected of course

But liberating nonetheless

It is finding and exploring our passion

Letting it carry us

To the gates of love

Thrusting us through

So we explode

With joy

And abandon

Falling in love

There is nothing like it

It is the first kiss

The first caress

The look that carries us away

From this world to the next

Where magic

And fantasy coexist

With reality

It is the rollercoaster that takes us to the highest heights

Then drops us before we can let out a breath

Falling in love is magic

And I try to do it

Again and again

By engaging in my passion

Letting it carry me away

So I can create

And be me

Wonderful

Loving

Compassionate

Me

Falling in love

There is nothing like it

At all

In this entire world

The rush

The urgency

The feel

Love

Wonderful

Breathtaking

Love

I love falling in love

Because

Falling in love is a beautiful thing

A liberating thing

Love

There is a natural beauty to our world

There is a natural beauty to our world. A beauty that transcends everything and everyone. It is that which lies within. Deep within. Even things and people we believe are ugly are colored only by our perception because everything and everyone has a natural beauty that lies deep within.

When we close our eyes and listen, just listen to the sound of all that is, we can sense the beauty and the abundance that surrounds us all. That beauty that rescues us from the wrongs that we perceive. That beauty that permeates the thread that connects us all. Taking us back to where we belong. To the place we all came from. That place where we will all return.

There is a natural beauty that snakes throughout our land that is the undercurrent of who we are and what we came here to be. But most times we open our eyes too wide and seek out that which layers and obscures the beauty and abundance that is readily available to us. That is within our reach because it is our reach. But sometimes we get so caught up in seeing the unbalance, the ugly that we fail to see the beauty that is waiting just for us. Because it is us.

What I am learning is we create the beauty in our lives. We create the ugly in our lives by what we seek rather than what we need. What I am learning is there is a natural beauty in all things despite the scars, despite the disguise and the strife because we were all created in the image of love. All created from the process of love and what is more beautiful than love?

There is a natural beauty connecting us all to the beginning, to the infinite, to the place of all that is, was and ever will be and that beauty is called love. It is in the eyes of the beholder, in the flowers, the smell of a rose, the touch of a baby, eyes locking for reasons unknown, it is in the everyday of what we do when we let go and let be. That’s when we see there is a natural beauty to our world. Of our world. In our world. And it is called love. Namaste.

The peace that comes after every storm

Last evening a storm came through. Blowing everything around. Tossing large objects like they were feathers. Blowing out transformers. Shutting down power for some. Sparing others. Just seconds before the air was flat calm. And then out of nowhere came the storm.

I went to bed fully expecting the storm to go through the night. Fully expecting to hear the sound of the howling wind. The pouring rain. Instead there was silence. Peace. The storm finished. The calm remained. I got up in the middle of the night and looked out the window because there was so much light coming through my blinds and there in the west was the moon as bright as could be. No clouds to obscure it. No wind to take away its light.  And beside the moon there were stars. Bright shiny stars set in a clear night sky. Picture perfect. No sign of the storm that had come through before. Just a calm and peaceful night

I stood at the window marveling at nature. Marveling at change. Marveling at how nature shows us all the time that sometimes we may not know our way. Sometimes we will be blown off course. Sometimes things around us will blow up leaving us feeling spent and depleted but if we are patient and trusting everything settles down in its time. And even when we feel like we are constantly in a storm. Constantly fighting to find the calm. If we let go, we will learn storms come and go and they pass when they are meant to pass therefore there is nothing we can do except go with the flow. Trust and have faith.

Sometimes we need storms so we can appreciate the calm. Sometimes we need storms to remove the debris cluttering our lives. Ridding us of all that is no longer necessary. Sometimes we need storms to make us remember the only constant in life is change. And that life changes constantly as do we when we accept that storms are just as necessary as calm.

So instead of resisting change, we need to learn to embrace it. Accept what comes our way and make the best of every situation that comes to us. Breathing deeply and going with the flow of the storm so that we can enjoy the calm. The peace that comes after every storm.

Moving beyond a dream filled with fear

Last night I had one of those prophetic dreams. One of those dreams that stays with you and rattles you. Makes you rethink everything but for some reason I can’t remember the whole dream or the characters involved but what I do remember is the sign that appeared – the sign that is etched in  my memory and it was the sign on a pink background that had the word FEAR etched into it in white letters. There were accompanying words around it. Words to help me through my fear but for some reason those words remained in the dream and are somewhere in the recesses of my brain I’m sure but not anywhere where I can remember them. As a matter of fact. I can’t remember what the dream was trying to tell me but I know it was a sign. An answer to a prayer.

I woke up this morning paralyzed with fear. Afraid to move. Afraid to get out of the comfort of my bed. The security of my room. I wanted to stay in bed believing fear could not touch me there or stop me from doing what I need to do. Even though in my mind I knew it was fear that was keeping me in bed. Telling me to stay where I was. Fooling me into believing where I was was the best place for me because I know it and am comfortable with it.

Eventually I told myself to get out of bed, to try to understand what the dream was trying to tell me. So I reached for my phone. For some reason that was where I was being led. I checked one message on my phone and found this quote that a friend had posted on my Facebook page, “Love can be hard. Love requires you to be kind when you are angry, patient when you feel anxious, compassionate when you judge others, caring when you feel apathetic, trust when you've been wronged, let go when you want to hold on, know that the other person is you, take risks when you're scared, to always see the lesson and never look back once you've decided." (Jackson Kiddard )

Thank you Michelle St. Jane for being my angel today because it was your message that allowed me to get out of bed with vigor. Allowed me to throw back the comforters on my bed, casting aside the false comfort and security I was feeling. allowing me to understand it was that falsehood that was keeping me mired in fear. Opening me to accept in order to move beyond my fears, I have to live each moment and believe in me.

I walked into the bathroom feeling truly heard and with pep in my step. Knowing my guides were on my side helping me and leading me to answers propelling me to know I am good enough for whatever I choose to do. And in doing so I was rewarded even further with these two other words of inspirations waiting just for me,

“I am open to the guidance of synchronicity and do not let expectations hinder my path.”

“Cultivate the discipline to look on the bright side, and refrain from entertaining anxiety-producing scenarios (“There’s no way she’ll date me, I’m too short”) or their subsequent what-ifs (“What if they think my writing is cliché?” “What if the boss is secretly thinking of firing me?”). Because if you don’t think positively, the planets will cheerfully say, “Makes no difference to us,” and reinforce your concerns instead.”

And finally I saw this one that allowed me to breathe and to know no matter what I am okay and will be okay. Fear is just there to remind me to keep going, to keep pushing because when I am feeling it, I am being led to move beyond the falsehoods of comfort and security, “Take the initiative instead of waiting for the other guy to approach you. Your efforts will be justly (and properly) rewarded.”

So angels, guides, and the power of the Divine, I thank you for helping me to see the only one stopping me is me and my false sense of security. Thank you for sending me fear in my dreams that sent me on a quest to work my way through it and get out of bed to see and appreciate the glory in this beautiful moment and day. And to me it is up to me to be me and do what resonates with me. Namaste

Witnessing the dance of nature

Yesterday morning while I was outside I witnessed the dance of nature. The music of the trees as they rustled in the breeze. I stood and watched the leaves shaking in the wind. The green of their leaves so beautiful, so majestic, so rich. I listened to the sound of their collective voices rising with each gust of wind. I stood and watched and allowed the endless creation of nature to flow through me. Witnessing birth and death over and over again. Leaves falling. Leaves growing. Avocadoes dropping. Others coming out. Endless creation.  All under the sound of the sweeping leaves.

I looked up at the sky. At the clouds speeding by. Inhaling the smell of the morning. Inhaling the smell of the infinite because I realized I was witnessing life at its best. Life at it fullest. Life that knows there is no need to compete with anyone or anything because there is always enough. Always more for all of us. That there is no need to feel in order to gain, someone must lose. That in order to have, someone must have not.

I realized with certainty that life is always replenishing itself as it is us. That all we need do is believe, have faith and trust that we are enough. Always will be enough. And we will always have enough. Exactly what we need.

There is no need to worry, no need to fret, no need to gather and hoard, steal and lie because in doing so we are inviting in the feeling of scarcity. The feeling that we are not enough, there is not enough. And we become paranoid, scared that if we don’t sabotage and pull down others, we will not have enough.  That we will somehow lose.

So not true the cacophony of nature was telling me. Letting me see and hear. The more we give, the more we share, the more we exchange, the more we will gain. The more we will have. The more we become.

Yesterday morning I stood and watched the harmony of nature and knew in that instant that I am a part of its harmony. As I am of nature as nature is of me. Together we are collective and one. And there is no need to compete with anyone. All we need is to be the best we can be and share the best of who we are with those who cross our path. And when we do so without expectation, without desire, we fall in step with the harmony of life, the harmony of nature – ebbing and flowing, bending and flexing to the dance of life, the dance of nature.

Achieving balance in ways only nature can give us. Finding our equilibrium in ways only we can achieve when we understand we are enough – always enough particularly on those days when we believe we are not. Namaste

Life has a funny way of rooting us

Life has a funny way of bringing us

Back to the centre

The Universe has an interesting way 

Of answering us

Giving us 

What we ask for

The direction 

We need

The insight 

About life

Rooting us back

To the present moment

By sending us death

Reminding us that death is waiting for us

It is around the corner

And there is no escaping it

All of us were born to die

We each have a death sentence

And at some point 

Our maker will come

To take us back home

Yesterday I wrote about my vulnerabilities

Expressed them

Put them out there

Released them

Surrendered them

Did not dwell on them

Just let them go

Opening the door

For my truth to enter

Allowing room for it to come

And when it came

It came as two not one

Reminding me

Nudging me to know

I was being shown the way

Given the insight

To remember

My life is short

Very, very short

And that no moment 

Is promised 

To anyone

Death comes in many ways

The complete removal of our physical being

Or the removal of us from situations that no longer resonate with us

And I saw both those things happen yesterday

Both to people I know

One who was told he was no longer needed

That his time had come

And it was time to move on

A blast to his ego

A blow to his dream

But was it really

Or was it a wakeup call

To know that he did not heed the signs

So the signs stopped

Ending the road for him

To show him the new way

To help him to go where he is meant to go

Then later I discovered that a friend had died

Moved from this physical space

Back to the maker

Back to where he came from

Where we all come from

Young, gifted and still a long life ahead of him

Were the comments that came when his news broke

But who are we to say

Who are we to think

There is always tomorrow

When there is no tomorrow

It is only right here

Right now

This moment

And how we choose to live

In this moment

Is all that matters

I cried a tear last night

For the ones who have lost

And the ones who will lose

Including myself

Because death is calling

Rattling at my door

It is the only promise

We have

The only truth we know

But yet we all live

Like there is tomorrow

When tomorrow never comes

I hear you life

I am listening Universe

This is my life

And my life alone

This is my moment

And my moment alone

I have to live it

As truthfully

And fully as I can

Because there is no tomorrow

Tomorrow never comes