Life is but a moment

Life is but a moment. A message I received from Tyler Perry this morning. And though I know it was not a personal message, it felt that way to me because his message was meant for me to hear. Short and sweet and drew me in because like him, I am a motherless child. And his message was speaking about the short life his mother lived more in image than in words. But it resonated with me.

Then I opened another message from Brave Girls Club and it said, You have a message. You have a mission. You have a purpose one that is unique to you – one that no one else can live out but you - don’t forget to share it. And what I heard and read was don’t forget to live it. Shaking me out of the pits of darkness.

I needed these messages this morning so I know my angels and guides heard my plea for help. My cry for balance. My desire to release the pent up emotions welling up inside me that were threatening to pull me under. Keep me in that place of darkness that serves no one but darkness itself.

Last night I went to bed harboring resentment. Resentment for the way certain things in my life are unfolding. Resentment because I feel like I am losing my purpose. Losing my voice and giving so much of myself away so that everyone else can find their way. So that everyone else can be happy. So that everyone can be at peace with their demons. And sometimes I feel like I am being taken advantage of. Sometimes I feel no matter how much I give, it is never enough or when I feel like my time for giving is up, someone or something else creeps in demanding more from me. And because I am a giving person, I sometimes give until I feel depleted. At least this was the story I was telling myself over and over again. Taking me down into a pit of feeling sorry for myself. Feeling like I am drowning while everyone else is swimming, winning and achieving their dreams while my dream seems to be floating off in the distance.

I woke up this morning still filled with resentment. Until I read those posts, those posts that were delivered just for me to see. Tyler Perry reminding me that life is but a moment. A blink in the grand scheme of things. Over before we know it. Before we think it has begun because we are too busy living other people’s lives that we forget to live our own. So busy being what other people want us to be that we forget who we are. So busy giving to others that we forget to give to ourselves.

And then Brave Girls Club reminded me that I have a message. I have a mission. I have a purpose unique to me on this Earth while I am alive in this physical form. Reminding me I asked to come here to do something and until I am brave enough to use my voice, to stand up for who I am, to not give until I am depleted, then I will carry resentment with me always. And it will grow and spread like a cancer until it ravages me and leaves me believing I am a victim rather than the victor I am capable of being.

Because life is but a moment and it is up to me to capture that moment so I can be my message, live out my mission and own my purpose. No one else can do that for me or take it away from me unless I give them permission. Unless I invite them in. Unless I give all of me away before giving to myself. So I am surrendering resentment back to where it belongs and breathing in possibility and faith and hope.  Opening myself up to the All that is waiting just for me.  In gratitude to my angels coming in the guise of Tyler Perry and Brave Girls Club this morning for helping me to rescue myself from drowning in a self-imposed pool of shallow water.

Touching story of a man who sees cancer as his gift

My husband told me a touching story the other night. The story about a man we know who looked death in the eye only to experience the greatest joy he has ever felt. The story of a man who told my husband that if he had to do it all again, he would not change a single thing. You see this man is fighting cancer – an aggressive cancer that came out of the blue. A cancer that nearly claimed him on several occasions. A cancer that has caused him so much pain. Yet he sees this cancer, his cancer as a gift, as something he would not change.

Through cancer this man has been able to see with clear eyes the suffering in the world. So much pain that he was not aware of before or had chosen to ignore. He has seen people with the fronts of their face completely ravaged by cancer but still these people encourage him on and tell him he is going to be okay. He has seen children, young children, as skeletal as he was during his worst who still find reason to play and have fun.

He has heard the anguish of a mother who wanted the doctors to know she could not die because she has children. Heard her anguished cries to save her from death. To give her more time. And then when she realized she was not alone in the room, walked to his curtains, opened them, stood and looked at him. Their eyes locking. Their souls connecting. Their stories told to each other without words ever being spoken. Their shared pain understood in that twenty second frame. An intimate moment, without uttering a word, connecting them on a level he has never connected with anyone in his life before. Letting him know there is more to communication than words. More to life than we can ever understand until we face our own mortality. Our own glimpse into death.

He told my husband about the day he asked to walk outside after undergoing intense chemo treatments. Robbing him of his vitality and strength. Refusing a taxi ride to the apartment he was to share with his wife for the weekend because he felt the urge to be outside. Felt the urge to feel and experience life. Not through a window. Not through an enclosure but through being in it. And when he got outside, he looked up and around and saw life through the eyes of a child experiencing it for the first time – the blue sky, the green grass, the abundance and vividness of colour from the flowers and he began to sob. Uncontrollably sob because what he was taking in was life at its very best in its simplest form. The beauty of nature. He was seeing and experiencing pure and unadulterated joy in a way he had never experienced it before.

He fell to the ground - his senses overwhelmed and titillated by the beauty he was experiencing through the eyes of a man who had been to hell and back again during his chemo treatments. Rendering him speechless because he was so full of joy. So full of life. So full of gratitude. His wife panicking thinking he was in pain. Not realizing what he was experiencing was an appreciation for the beauty that we walk past every single day. The beauty we take for granted. The beauty we do not see or appreciate because it is so every day. So passé.

My husband, without realizing it, was the man’s angel for the day. Allowing him to express all the joy and life he has experienced as a result of his pain. As a result of his cancer. As a result of his brush with death.  My husband said he knew the man needed him on a level he could not explain so he stood and let the man talk. Let the man cry. Let the man feel and express the romance of the life he was living as a result of his pain.

And when the man was done, my husband hugged him and told him he was honored to have had the opportunity to listen and to experience what the man had experienced. That he was honored to have shared such an intimate moment with the man. And then their time was done. Each walking away a different man. One whose burden was less heavy and the other whose step was much lighter.

Because what the man did not realize was that he was my husband’s angel as well. Reminding him about the joy of life from its simplicity. Nudging him to know how quickly life can change and how he too must appreciate living as much as he can.

Two men brought together, my husband and this man, to remind each other there is no greater joy than gratitude and living life as fully as they can. Tears of pain that lead to tears of joy. Joy and pain. Pain and joy – one in the same. Two men in a parking lot framed by life itself. In all its joy and pain. In all their joy and pain. Namaste.

Life has a funny way of rooting us

Life has a funny way of bringing us

Back to the centre

The Universe has an interesting way 

Of answering us

Giving us 

What we ask for

The direction 

We need

The insight 

About life

Rooting us back

To the present moment

By sending us death

Reminding us that death is waiting for us

It is around the corner

And there is no escaping it

All of us were born to die

We each have a death sentence

And at some point 

Our maker will come

To take us back home

Yesterday I wrote about my vulnerabilities

Expressed them

Put them out there

Released them

Surrendered them

Did not dwell on them

Just let them go

Opening the door

For my truth to enter

Allowing room for it to come

And when it came

It came as two not one

Reminding me

Nudging me to know

I was being shown the way

Given the insight

To remember

My life is short

Very, very short

And that no moment 

Is promised 

To anyone

Death comes in many ways

The complete removal of our physical being

Or the removal of us from situations that no longer resonate with us

And I saw both those things happen yesterday

Both to people I know

One who was told he was no longer needed

That his time had come

And it was time to move on

A blast to his ego

A blow to his dream

But was it really

Or was it a wakeup call

To know that he did not heed the signs

So the signs stopped

Ending the road for him

To show him the new way

To help him to go where he is meant to go

Then later I discovered that a friend had died

Moved from this physical space

Back to the maker

Back to where he came from

Where we all come from

Young, gifted and still a long life ahead of him

Were the comments that came when his news broke

But who are we to say

Who are we to think

There is always tomorrow

When there is no tomorrow

It is only right here

Right now

This moment

And how we choose to live

In this moment

Is all that matters

I cried a tear last night

For the ones who have lost

And the ones who will lose

Including myself

Because death is calling

Rattling at my door

It is the only promise

We have

The only truth we know

But yet we all live

Like there is tomorrow

When tomorrow never comes

I hear you life

I am listening Universe

This is my life

And my life alone

This is my moment

And my moment alone

I have to live it

As truthfully

And fully as I can

Because there is no tomorrow

Tomorrow never comes