The strangest thing happened to me last night. So
strange that I had to take some time to process what happened because of how
and where it happened. Particularly since it came from a source I least
expected but a lesson I was meant to receive and learn came through loud and
clear. A lesson that is forcing me to come out of the closet about one of my
guilty pleasures. Forcing me to come out of the closet about my fear of
publicly speaking about my writing.
I am so addicted to
ABC’s Scandal that I watch something about it every single day. So much so that
my children and husband now roll their eyes up in their heads when they walk
past my computer and see I am watching yet another thing about Scandal. Like a true addict, I am so embarrassed to be watching another interview with Kerry
Washington, Tony Goldwyn or Shonda Rhimes that when one of my family members
walk by, I quickly switch the screens so I don’t have to see the look of disgust
on their faces! Crazy that I came into this whole Scandal thing so late but now
I am so hooked I can’t seem to get enough of it. But I regress.
The strange thing happened to me was while watching an interview
with Tony Goldwyn on Spreecast from 2013 on YouTube ( an amazing invention by
the way - You Tube that is). Tony said something that struck a chord so deep within me that I felt like he had been delivered to me at the
moment for a reason. An angel least expected.
In response to a question posed by Tangela, who is probably
the greatest fan of Scandal, about making it without a name, Tony told her that
having talent is only a small percentage of making it, that 10% of success
comes from inspiration while 90% of it comes from perspiration. He described how watching an actor from Breaking Bad do his job with an intense passion proved
to him that anybody can make their dreams come true. But first we have to believe in our own dreams and work hard to make them happen. To not be afraid to tell people about them. To not be afraid to talk about them all the time. To not be afraid to speak into existence what we most desire and dream about. And then not be afraid to do the work to make our dreams happen.
A light bulb went off in my head when I heard his words. I
am very passionate about writing and have been since I can remember but I
allowed others to diminish my passion by accepting them telling me everyone
wants to be a writer and anyone can write. By believing them when they
questioned why I thought I was more special than anyone else who is aspiring to
be a writer. So for years, including now, I have hidden my writing. Kept it
almost as if it is a dirty little secret that only certain people are allowed
to know. Almost as if I am too ashamed to expose this writing thing that gets
me up in the morning. That sets the tone for the day.
I realized without a doubt that I have hidden that aspect of
myself because it does not fit the persona that I project every single day.
That controlled woman who goes out and gets things done because when I write I
have no control over what comes out of me. In order to write authentically, I
am forced to let go and let be. To allow the words to come from a place that I don’t
even know where the place is. Nor do I understand.
I also realized I don’t have personal photos attached to my
blog , instead I have an image of a spiritual woman because at least then I can
still hide behind her image rather than showing who I am for what I am. Hearing
Tony Goldwyn speak last night made me realize why I was led to interviews
because through him I was being led to a truth about myself. The truth is if writing is my dream, I have
to claim it for what it is, go with the flow and speak it to anyone who will
listen rather than being afraid of who will discover what I write and whether
my readers will like what I write.
Writing is a very personal thing because it comes from
places deep within. Places where there are no right or wrong. No rhyme or
reason. Only what is meant to be. And it is my passion. My gift. And I am
owning it. Claiming it for what it is and what it makes me.
So today world look out because I’m coming out. I want the world to know. Got to let it show. I am a writer and I am proud of it. Two guilty pleasures colliding to help me to understand I am my writing and my writing is me.
