An invaluable lesson from Tony Goldwyn

The strangest thing happened to me last night. So strange that I had to take some time to process what happened because of how and where it happened. Particularly since it came from a source I least expected but a lesson I was meant to receive and learn came through loud and clear. A lesson that is forcing me to come out of the closet about one of my guilty pleasures. Forcing me to come out of the closet about my fear of publicly speaking about my writing.

I am so addicted to ABC’s Scandal that I watch something about it every single day. So much so that my children and husband now roll their eyes up in their heads when they walk past my computer and see I am watching yet another thing about Scandal. Like a true addict,  I am so embarrassed to be watching another interview with Kerry Washington, Tony Goldwyn or Shonda Rhimes that when one of my family members walk by, I quickly switch the screens so I don’t have to see the look of disgust on their faces! Crazy that I came into this whole Scandal thing so late but now I am so hooked I can’t seem to get enough of it. But I regress.

The strange thing happened to me was while watching an interview with Tony Goldwyn on Spreecast from 2013 on YouTube ( an amazing invention by the way - You Tube that is). Tony said something that struck a chord so deep within me that I felt like he had been delivered to me at the moment for a reason. An angel least expected.

In response to a question posed by Tangela, who is probably the greatest fan of Scandal, about making it without a name, Tony told her that having talent is only a small percentage of making it, that 10% of success comes from inspiration while 90% of it comes from perspiration. He described how watching an actor from Breaking Bad do his job with an intense passion proved to him that anybody can make their dreams come true.  But first we have to believe in our own dreams and work hard to make them happen. To not be afraid to tell people about them. To not be afraid to talk about them all the time. To not be afraid to speak into existence what we most desire and dream about. And then not be afraid to do the work to make our dreams happen.

A light bulb went off in my head when I heard his words. I am very passionate about writing and have been since I can remember but I allowed others to diminish my passion by accepting them telling me everyone wants to be a writer and anyone can write. By believing them when they questioned why I thought I was more special than anyone else who is aspiring to be a writer. So for years, including now, I have hidden my writing. Kept it almost as if it is a dirty little secret that only certain people are allowed to know. Almost as if I am too ashamed to expose this writing thing that gets me up in the morning. That sets the tone for the day.

I realized without a doubt that I have hidden that aspect of myself because it does not fit the persona that I project every single day. That controlled woman who goes out and gets things done because when I write I have no control over what comes out of me. In order to write authentically, I am forced to let go and let be. To allow the words to come from a place that I don’t even know where the place is. Nor do I understand.

I also realized I don’t have personal photos attached to my blog , instead I have an image of a spiritual woman because at least then I can still hide behind her image rather than showing who I am for what I am. Hearing Tony Goldwyn speak last night made me realize why I was led to interviews because through him I was being led to a truth about myself.  The truth is if writing is my dream, I have to claim it for what it is, go with the flow and speak it to anyone who will listen rather than being afraid of who will discover what I write and whether my readers will like what I write.

Writing is a very personal thing because it comes from places deep within. Places where there are no right or wrong. No rhyme or reason. Only what is meant to be. And it is my passion. My gift. And I am owning it. Claiming it for what it is and what it makes me.

So today world look out because I’m coming out. I want the world to know. Got to let it show. I am a writer and I am proud of it. Two guilty pleasures colliding to help me to understand I am my writing and my writing is me.

Moving beyond a dream filled with fear

Last night I had one of those prophetic dreams. One of those dreams that stays with you and rattles you. Makes you rethink everything but for some reason I can’t remember the whole dream or the characters involved but what I do remember is the sign that appeared – the sign that is etched in  my memory and it was the sign on a pink background that had the word FEAR etched into it in white letters. There were accompanying words around it. Words to help me through my fear but for some reason those words remained in the dream and are somewhere in the recesses of my brain I’m sure but not anywhere where I can remember them. As a matter of fact. I can’t remember what the dream was trying to tell me but I know it was a sign. An answer to a prayer.

I woke up this morning paralyzed with fear. Afraid to move. Afraid to get out of the comfort of my bed. The security of my room. I wanted to stay in bed believing fear could not touch me there or stop me from doing what I need to do. Even though in my mind I knew it was fear that was keeping me in bed. Telling me to stay where I was. Fooling me into believing where I was was the best place for me because I know it and am comfortable with it.

Eventually I told myself to get out of bed, to try to understand what the dream was trying to tell me. So I reached for my phone. For some reason that was where I was being led. I checked one message on my phone and found this quote that a friend had posted on my Facebook page, “Love can be hard. Love requires you to be kind when you are angry, patient when you feel anxious, compassionate when you judge others, caring when you feel apathetic, trust when you've been wronged, let go when you want to hold on, know that the other person is you, take risks when you're scared, to always see the lesson and never look back once you've decided." (Jackson Kiddard )

Thank you Michelle St. Jane for being my angel today because it was your message that allowed me to get out of bed with vigor. Allowed me to throw back the comforters on my bed, casting aside the false comfort and security I was feeling. allowing me to understand it was that falsehood that was keeping me mired in fear. Opening me to accept in order to move beyond my fears, I have to live each moment and believe in me.

I walked into the bathroom feeling truly heard and with pep in my step. Knowing my guides were on my side helping me and leading me to answers propelling me to know I am good enough for whatever I choose to do. And in doing so I was rewarded even further with these two other words of inspirations waiting just for me,

“I am open to the guidance of synchronicity and do not let expectations hinder my path.”

“Cultivate the discipline to look on the bright side, and refrain from entertaining anxiety-producing scenarios (“There’s no way she’ll date me, I’m too short”) or their subsequent what-ifs (“What if they think my writing is cliché?” “What if the boss is secretly thinking of firing me?”). Because if you don’t think positively, the planets will cheerfully say, “Makes no difference to us,” and reinforce your concerns instead.”

And finally I saw this one that allowed me to breathe and to know no matter what I am okay and will be okay. Fear is just there to remind me to keep going, to keep pushing because when I am feeling it, I am being led to move beyond the falsehoods of comfort and security, “Take the initiative instead of waiting for the other guy to approach you. Your efforts will be justly (and properly) rewarded.”

So angels, guides, and the power of the Divine, I thank you for helping me to see the only one stopping me is me and my false sense of security. Thank you for sending me fear in my dreams that sent me on a quest to work my way through it and get out of bed to see and appreciate the glory in this beautiful moment and day. And to me it is up to me to be me and do what resonates with me. Namaste