Indulging myself in rest

This morning I indulged myself by staying in bed even though I have so many things to do today. Some many places I have to be. But I could not resist the warmth of my bed particularly since I was not flushed with hot flashes. Heavenly. I felt so comfortable that I just snuggled in.

I woke at my usual time then felt so good to know that I did not have to be anywhere until hours later so I took comfort in knowing I could just roll over and go back to sleep. And I did. For what I thought was for a few minutes.

But then I woke to the sun streaming through my windows. Birds chirping and the sounds of the day fully awake. The day had broken and started and had left me behind. Left me in that place of in between yesterday and today.  I looked at the clock and was surprised to see I had slept for another three hours. Obviously my whole being needed it so I gave myself permission to stay in bed for a few minutes more. Enjoying the fact that it was Saturday morning and I still had a few hours before I had to get a move on it.

And before I knew it one and a half hours had gone by because I had drifted into another deep sleep. I jumped up feeling totally guilty for not getting up and doing some of the things I said I was going to do like go for a walk and inhale the morning air. Like meditate and clear my rambling thoughts. Like cook breakfast for my family so no one was rushing around trying to make sure they are in the places they were meant to be.

I rushed into the shower berating myself for taking my time. For not doing what I was meant to do. Until the water started to run over me. Washing away the worry and the angst that was taking over my being. Each drop of water reminding me that sometimes we just have to indulge ourselves and listen to what our mind, bodies and souls are telling us they need. To accept that sometimes that means to just rest and do nothing. To sleep and allow our whole beings to recharge. To not worry about the things we thought we were supposed to do. Instead to just accept we are exactly where we are meant to be. Doing exactly what we are meant to be doing.

And after I showered and dressed and sat down to write this blog, I realized even more  that this morning  my meditation, my walk and cooking breakfast were all in my mind’s dream world where I escaped for a little while from the demands of my every day existence and instead remained in that place of surrender. That place where there are no worries, no regrets, no clocks. Just plain surrender and now I feel good. Rested and ready to go.

Accepting that sometimes we just have to let go and be where we are really meant to be not where we thought we should be. And just as I finished typing this piece, my Cardinal started singing good morning to me. Chirping above all the other birds so I could hear him letting me know all is well. All is good.

Happy Saturday everyone. 

For the longest time love evaded me

For the longest time

Love evaded me

Hid from me

Ran from me

Until I realized

It was not love

It was me

Love is always with us

Because it is us

We don’t have to chase it

Pursue it

Become something else

Or someone else

In order to find it

Have it

Revel in it

Because I am discovering

It is with us all the time

Because it is us

Waiting for us

To open our hearts

Be vulnerable

Flexible

And free

Nonjudgmental

Unafraid

To let the love

That is our light

Shine from deep within

True love sometimes gets confused with fantasy love

The romantic and highly sensual

Attraction love that we feel

When we first meet someone

Who moves us

The spark that is the signal

That we are meant to be

But that spark is just an aphrodisiac

Like the first high

Of a drug

Meant to enrapture us

Entangle us

So we can release

Who we truly are

And once we do with love

The highly magnetic feeling

Fades

And becomes more everyday

Because there is no need

To magnify us anymore

Because we know and trust

Love

But some of us

Spend the rest of our lives

In search of that first love high

Going from relationship to relationship

Expecting to feel that inexplicable hormonal

Animal exchange

The heat that comes when love is new

When love is calling our name

When it is giving us the surge

To open to the one who will remain

But what I am learning is that

Love grows

And changes

And matures 

Just like us

Becoming comfortable

Nonjudgmental

And freeing

Allowing us to be who we were sent here to be

Allowing us to show who we truly are

To the ones who love us back

Without judgment

And have our backs

At all times

Love is deeply satisfying

When we realize

We don’t have to seek love

We don’t have to chase love

We don’t have to become

Anyone else but who we are

To receive the love

And be the love

Meant for us

Because true love is always there

And available for us

When we know

We are love

And love is us

We understand

We are made from love

And love is made from us

We know love is the light

That comes from deep within

And when all else fades

Love remains

Grounding us

Focusing us

And providing us

With the light we need

To make it through our darkest days

For the longest time

I searched for love

Chased after love

Thought I was incapable of love

Until love came and remained

Encouraging me to grow

Encouraging me to show

My vulnerable

And courageous self

Who is made of love

Allowing me to give love

Embrace love

And to be love

So now I love

My love

On a different level

Than I knew was ever possible

Because I know without a doubt

That I am love

And love is me

Happy Valentine’s Day to all who know

That love remains when all else fades

It is the sun rising in the morning

The rain falling

The dew in the morning light

The thunder and the lighting

The bird singing

The butterfly fluttering by

The rose opening its petals

The cry of a baby

The moonlight on a dark night

Laughter

Tears

Hugs

It is creation

Beginnings and Endings

Love is ever present

Because Love is who we are

And what we are

Love never fades

Because love is

The beginning and Ending

For the longest time

Love evaded me

Hid from me

Ran from me

Until I realized

It was not love

It was me

Love is always with us

Because it is us

Namaste

Life is but a moment

Life is but a moment. A message I received from Tyler Perry this morning. And though I know it was not a personal message, it felt that way to me because his message was meant for me to hear. Short and sweet and drew me in because like him, I am a motherless child. And his message was speaking about the short life his mother lived more in image than in words. But it resonated with me.

Then I opened another message from Brave Girls Club and it said, You have a message. You have a mission. You have a purpose one that is unique to you – one that no one else can live out but you - don’t forget to share it. And what I heard and read was don’t forget to live it. Shaking me out of the pits of darkness.

I needed these messages this morning so I know my angels and guides heard my plea for help. My cry for balance. My desire to release the pent up emotions welling up inside me that were threatening to pull me under. Keep me in that place of darkness that serves no one but darkness itself.

Last night I went to bed harboring resentment. Resentment for the way certain things in my life are unfolding. Resentment because I feel like I am losing my purpose. Losing my voice and giving so much of myself away so that everyone else can find their way. So that everyone else can be happy. So that everyone can be at peace with their demons. And sometimes I feel like I am being taken advantage of. Sometimes I feel no matter how much I give, it is never enough or when I feel like my time for giving is up, someone or something else creeps in demanding more from me. And because I am a giving person, I sometimes give until I feel depleted. At least this was the story I was telling myself over and over again. Taking me down into a pit of feeling sorry for myself. Feeling like I am drowning while everyone else is swimming, winning and achieving their dreams while my dream seems to be floating off in the distance.

I woke up this morning still filled with resentment. Until I read those posts, those posts that were delivered just for me to see. Tyler Perry reminding me that life is but a moment. A blink in the grand scheme of things. Over before we know it. Before we think it has begun because we are too busy living other people’s lives that we forget to live our own. So busy being what other people want us to be that we forget who we are. So busy giving to others that we forget to give to ourselves.

And then Brave Girls Club reminded me that I have a message. I have a mission. I have a purpose unique to me on this Earth while I am alive in this physical form. Reminding me I asked to come here to do something and until I am brave enough to use my voice, to stand up for who I am, to not give until I am depleted, then I will carry resentment with me always. And it will grow and spread like a cancer until it ravages me and leaves me believing I am a victim rather than the victor I am capable of being.

Because life is but a moment and it is up to me to capture that moment so I can be my message, live out my mission and own my purpose. No one else can do that for me or take it away from me unless I give them permission. Unless I invite them in. Unless I give all of me away before giving to myself. So I am surrendering resentment back to where it belongs and breathing in possibility and faith and hope.  Opening myself up to the All that is waiting just for me.  In gratitude to my angels coming in the guise of Tyler Perry and Brave Girls Club this morning for helping me to rescue myself from drowning in a self-imposed pool of shallow water.

When I don't know where to begin

There are times when I just don’t know 

Where to begin

Where to belong

Where to fit in

There are times when all I can do is

Sit in silence and wait

Wait for the inspiration 

To come

To guide me

Ground me

There are times when the uncertainty is greater than the certainty

When life seems to take turn after turn

When roads meet then diverge

And take me back to where I began

There are times when I look at myself in the mirror

And do not recognize who see

Wonder who she is and

What I am meant to be

There are times when the thought of doing another day in the same way

Is a huge chore

When life challenges me to stop

Just stop

And listen

Forcing me to

Stop worrying

Stop fretting

Telling me to just begin

Take the first step

Write the first line

Without expectation

Fear

Or trepidation

Asking me to

Just let it flow

Get in the flow

With gratitude

With abundance

Without worry

And then life starts to flow

Allowing the image in the mirror to  become recognizable

The steps to become lighter

And I surrender

Surrender it all

To the voice within

And do as my intuition

And inner voice

Guide me to do

And that’s when I understand

The uncertainty

The trepidation

The fear

The worry

Were all there to stop me

To point me

In the direction I am meant to go

To lead me to where I am meant to be

Away from where I was not meant to be

To ask me to remember

That beyond anything else

Gratitude and love

Are the most important drivers in our lives

They help to open us to the more that exists for us all

They help us to know no matter what

THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR

Always someone to love

Beginning with ourselves

With where we are

With what we have

As soon as we understand and accept that

Each step becomes easier

Each task lighter

Each line easier to write

Because our direction comes

From that place deep within

Where we know who we are

And what we are capable of

So on those days when there is more uncertainty than there is certainty

I am learning to be grateful

Because they are leading me to my place of love

My place of truth

My place where I l know

I am as I am where I am

And that is the only truth

Namaste

The morning night skies have been beautiful of late

The night morning skies of late have been beyond beautiful.

Beyond anything that can be described fully

Black, dark skies, like there is nothing beyond

Yet leaving me feeling there is everything beyond

Closing me to feel like we are enclosed in the nothingness

Then opening me again to feel like there is no enclosure because of the presence of the all

Infinite, glorious, huge, wow

Twinkling stars, abundant and bright 

A lone bright star large like an orb of light all on its own 

Sitting in the southwest corner of the dark sky

Holding court all on its own

Owning the sky full of stars

All radiating and casting their light in an otherwise black night.

In awe of the light these stars that look tiny to us from a distance 

But are huge in their own right shine down on us

And lighten up the blackest darkest night

Helping us to navigate through the darkness

Bringing us much needed light

Not a cloud in the sky to obscure the beauty and radiance of the stars

Illuminating that dark liquid ink black night

Showing us the magnificence of creation

Allowing me to see

There is something magical about a black sky filled with stars

Something that allows me to believe there is something much greater than me

Than us in the beyond

There is something much more than we could ever understand or fully comprehend

Something that allows light even in the darkest night

Something that adds to the mystery that is us

That is the all

Yet there is something sinister about a dark night with stars twinkling down on us as well

Almost as if the whole sky and stars could come crashing down on us

Destroy us in a flash

Great balls of fire

But that to me is the dichotomy of life

Sometimes depending on our vantage point

We can the beauty in all things 

Like the stars twinkling on a cloudless still night

Or we can see the darkness and little balls of fire in the sky 

And believe they can destroy without a thought

Nature has a funny way of showing the divide that exists within us all

A funny way of reminding us that at all times 

We have so much to draw upon 

Particularly when we think we are fumbling in the darkness

Reminding us through its presence and change

All we need to do is remember there is always a beginning 

And an ending 

With a journey in between

Sometimes that journey will be so dark that we feel we will never find the light

Then other times there will be so much light that we are never lost

And then sometimes we are stuck in the in between

In between the darkness and the light

In between the beginning and the end

And the journey feels endless

And just when we are about to give up

To lose hope

To question our faith

A dark sky filled with light opens for us

No clouds

No questions

Just clarity of the immenseness of the Universe we reside in

That is within us all

That is us all

Illustrating for us the possibility that exists for us all

Is within us all

Is us all

Allowing us to remember

There is a beginning and an ending

And a journey in between

How that journey begins and ends

Depends on how we view the dark sky filled with radiant light

The morning, night skies have been beautiful of late

Filled with promise

Possibility

And faith

Infinite wisdom on our doorsteps

Waiting for us to discover

To accept

The immenseness of our power

On a beautiful dark morning  night

Struggling as a parent in this technological age

There is such a delicate balance between directing and guiding. Such a delicate balance between restraining and parenting. Such a delicate balance between anger and respect.

Parenting teaches us all these things. The art of holding on while letting go. The art of parenting while shedding.

And sometimes that balance gets thrown off when we try too hard to make our children into something they are not. When we try too hard to make them do the things we want them to do rather than the things they want to do. When we want them be like we were when we were children forgetting that times has moved on and the things that brought us joy no longer resonate with them. We are living in an age of technology where everything in the world and Universe, that we know if, is at their fingertips. At our fingertips.

At the click of a mouse they open the world and the Universe to themselves. They can discover and see so much more than we ever could before the invention of computers. And though we know it is changing the way they interact with each other and with us, there does not seem to be much we can do about it as this is the way life is going. We can fight. Try to resist it and shake our heads in angst but all we are doing is creating a gulf. A wedge between us and our children.

We can scream and shout and wish they would go outside more. Explore nature more but they are growing up in a time when technology is king. They are the bridges between the old and new and while we are clinging to the old, they are reaching out to grasp on to the wave that is before them before it crests and they are left drowning in a time that is no more.

Sometimes I step back and listen to myself shouting at my son telling him to get off his computer, telling him there is more to life than being on the computer, that he needs to go outside, to exercise, to see life beyond the confines of his room. But then I realize he is playing a game with his friends who have scattered around the world in different boarding schools – Australia, England, Scotland, the US and they are talking like they are next door. Like it matters not that there is distance between them.  Like it matters not that their experiences are very different daily. But what this computer thing is doing is keeping them in touch. Something we could never have done years before. So even though their lives may be changing and going in different directions, technology is actually keeping them in touch. Allowing them to remain in each other’s lives. Actually keeping a bond that may have been lost otherwise.

So what are we meant to do as parents? Are we meant to keep taking the light out of the eyes of our teenagers because we want them to be as we were when they are straddling a time we cannot and will not understand. When everything they want to discover and know about is at their fingertips. When they use their computers like it is an appendage. When I see little babies barely able to walk walking around with an IPad looking at movies or “educational games” on there, navigating between screens as if they were born to do that, I question whether we are capable of stopping this movement. Or is it here to stay and we just have to learn to live with it?

As parents I am realizing we have to let go and let our children find their way through this technological age so that they don’t become dinosaurs in an age we did not grow up in but are aging in. I am so torn about this age of technology and policing it for my children that I am putting my thoughts out there to see what comes back.  I’m open to suggestions because I don’t want to lose my bond with my children – so please feel free to share them with me because I’m struggling as a parent with this technological age. Look forward to some feedback. Any feedback....

This morning I got the call

This morning I got the call
The call I had been waiting for
Since my Mysty went from this world to the next
Since my husband was thrown into turmoil and despair
When he got news that shook his core
And because he is part of my core
I was shaken as well
So I was waiting
Waiting for life to send me the call
The call that would wake me from my slumber
Wake me from the darkness that was threatening to pull me in
Shroud me
Disguise me
Bury me
And it came this morning
As I was between sleep and awake
Between yesterday's thoughts and experiences to this new day
It came in the call of the cardinal
The red bird's song
Summoning me
Pulling me
Willing me 
To get out of bed
While the day was still young
While the possibility still remained
To allow me to cast aside my fear of walking in nature again
Regardless of what my body looks like
Regardless of my preconceived notions of how I am meant to look right now
To embrace the fact that I woke up this morning
And heard the call 

The song of the redbird
So I got up 
Looked at my face in the mirror
The face of a woman nearly 51
The face of a woman 

Who has endured so much
Weathered so much
Survived so much
Conquered so much
And told her
Told me
To shake of the insecurity
The excuses and get out there
And embrace the life that wants to embrace me
So I put on my walking clothes 

And went back to the mirror 

And saw
The face of a renewed woman 

Who was ready to go
To walk
To hear 
To see 
The sound of the cardinal
The song of the red bird
Singing just for me
As I walked outside
There he was
Majestic
Red
Strong
Proud
Singing his song
Facing me
High up on his perch
The highest point in my yard
The oldest point in my yard 
Right above where my Mysty lies
Where we put her one week to this day

Was the cardinal
On the top of the old dead cedar tree
Singing his song
Wiling me
Coaxing me
Letting me know all is well
As I walked he followed me and found me again
On the wire singing
Willing me 

Coaxing me

To keep putting one step in front of the other
And then he was gone

As I got to the beach
Where the ocean's song took over
Waves crashing and retreating 
On the pink sandy shore
Filling me with joy
As I walked 
I looked out over the horizon
The endless horizon
And breathed in the air
The breath of life
The joy of living
The smell of living
Tears welling in my eyes

As I felt blessed

Grateful

To live in such a beautiful place

Where the ocean is blue

The sand pink

The weather perfect

On this February Saturday morn

The sky clear

Except for a few puffy clouds

People walking

Running

Dogs without their leash

Tears stinging my eyes

As I thought about 

Those suffering with cold weather

Winter storms

Ocean lashing their shores

As our ocean gently rippled

Reflecting the sun

Tears stinging my eyes

As I realized 

Sometimes it takes death
Or news of death
To make us appreciate life
To appreciate each breath we take
To see the beauty all around us
To know we are part of it all

So I sat down on the steps

High above the ocean

And let life fill me

With gratitude and love

Allowing them to flow through me

Until I was full

Then as I made my trek back home

There on a tree

Another dead cedar tree

In the midst of the old railway trail

Appeared my cardinal

Singing just for me

I heard it again

And followed it

The call I was waiting for
The call of the cardinal
The bringer of news from the other world
The coaxer
The spirit bringer
Wiling me
Coaxing me
With his lilting song
The song of the everlasting spirit
That embraces us all
Namaste