A weekend of regret leads to an awakening

I woke up this morning with lots of thoughts going through my mind. Regrets somewhat that I spent all day in bed Saturday with what I thought was a 24 hour flu bug that now seems like a day to hibernate and vegetate my thoughts. To really listen to them. To sleep. To dream. To not have the energy to do anything else but to rest.  To allow the cold that was in me to stream out as if it was streaming out thoughts and things that were not meant to be in me. The only bad feeling I have was that it was my son’s 15th birthday but he seemed okay with it. Okay that he was allowed to do whatever he wanted for his birthday.

So here it is Monday morning and I feel like lots of things I was meant to do were left undone because of my lost Saturday until I saw my first sign that I was put into a prone potion for a while to allow me space to be grateful for waking up this morning in better health both mentally and physically than I did on Friday and Saturday. That I gave myself permission to be and to get rid of the guilt that was threatening to take over.

To think about how yesterday morning I was still not feeling 100% but what I thought was vanity that got me out of bed thinking I really needed to have my hair but it was not I now realize.  But what I realise is it was not vanity that got me out of bed; it was something else willing me to get up. It started first with the call of my pied piper as I like to call him, my cardinal, my red bird, singing at the top of his lungs at about 5 am yesterday morning. His song arousing me out of bed. Putting a smile on my face. Allowing me to hear the sound of the waking morning. The song of promise. The song of more to come.

I got up and looked for him but did not see him. When I walked out of the hairdresser, the morning had truly broken, and the day was glorious. The air fresh. The skies clears. The storms and cold of the days before had given way to a perfect day. Almost like what had happened inside of me. The day and I were mirroring each other.

After eating breakfast with my family on our porch and they all had gone back inside, I sat and watched nature doing its thing all around me. Feeling so blessed to be a part of it all. Feeling so grateful to be contributing to it just by my presence. Hearing my red bird song again. Louder than anything else. Still hiding for me by sight but making his presence known by his song.  Realising looking for him as he sang allowed me to see blue birds flitting around my yard. In and out of the blue bird box filling me with joy that they have come back to us. Hope that spring has sprung. A white butterfly catching my eye. All in silence to the song of the red bird.

I watched the trees swaying in the gentle breeze. My body still chilled and not yet well. I got up and walked to the other side of the house. The east side of the house where the sun was at its peak and sat with my eyes closed facing it. Allowing the heat of the sun to radiate my being, to warm me. To take away the remnants of my ailments. And I knew it was working its magic because behind my eyelids the colour red spread. Exploding behind my lids like that of a nuclear explosion. An explosion of energy filling me up. I inhaled it deeply and exhaled slowly. Thanking the Universe for enrapturing me in its magic. Thanking myself for taking the time to be.

So this morning when I woke up and realized it was Monday and thought I had missed a weekend, I realized I had not. Because what I had done even more than hurrying about was take the time to reconnect with nature, to reconnect with me. To accept that life sometimes will take us places we did not dream but each one of those places is a stepping stone to help us to get back to us. Clear our thoughts of everyone else’s dreams and allow us space to hear, see and feel our dreams again. And that’s why sometimes we are forced to stop by illness because it is the only way we will listen. The only way we will realise we are fighting a battle that is not ours and our bodies break down to make us stop, to redirect us to get back on our own path, to our own dreams as happened to me over the weekend.

And that’s why today I will enjoy every minute of whatever I am doing accepting that somehow whatever I am doing I am meant to be doing because I am being led every step I take to where I am and where I am meant to be. Happy Monday every one. Blessed week to us all. Every step of the way.

Happy Birthday to two special people in my life

Difficult starting this morning because I am feeling so ill. No thoughts are coming to my head except to go back to bed. Everything on me feels run down. Congested. Sore. Achy. The typical cold symptoms and I feel bad for feeling ill on this special day - on the day my son came into our lives 15 years ago. The Ides of March.

So I think this blog will be short and sweet to commemorate my son and my mother-in-law as they share this special day together. But at the same time to honour me by allowing myself to go back to bed. And what is so good about this is that my son has reached the age where it doesn’t matter whether his parents plan a special celebration for him, he and his friends have plans to go out today and hang out anyway so he will be fine while I am in bed.

My young man who is broody, moody but has a heart of gold still. Still very sensitive to wanting everyone and everything around him to be okay but yet keeps himself slightly distant. Slightly aloof from the rest of us. But with his eye always on us. The yin and yang of boy on the cusp of manhood.

And it is also my mother in-law’s 88^th birthday today. So special that her only grandson and she share the same date. So special that two people that could

be so very different came into this world on the same date. She some73 years before our son.  He in Bermuda. She in England.  Both a connection obviously beyond our comprehension.

She at the ends of her days. He at the beginning. Showing the dichotomy of life. There are always beginnings and endings and journeys in between. Though he is at the beginning and she at the end. Both are still journeying. Both are still experiencing life just at different stages. He with his eyes still wide open. Mind still absorbing like a sponge. Still developing his thoughts. Still trying to find his way. Trying to understand his purpose and where he fits in in this world.

She, on the other hand, has come to terms with lots of things in her life. Has said goodbye to many and just lives out each day as she says grateful when her eyes open in the morning and she is still here. What a lovely thought that there is more gratitude simply from waking up in the morning. If only we can remember this each day when we awake. How much of a miracle it is when we awake each day that we do.

So with that I am accepting my illness, my soreness, my achiness with gratitude because I did wake up this morning grateful for my son, for my mother-in-law and for my family for all they bring into my life. And now I am giving myself permission to go back to bed so I can be here for more days to enjoy them even more when I am feeling 100%.

Happy birthday to my handsome and beautiful son, our dark star who chose us as his parents 15 years ago to help to guide him through his mortal journey. We love him to infinity and beyond. We love watching who he is becoming – both the challenging and the loving.

Happy birthday to my mother-in-law who brought her son into this world for me to love. Showing us both that age is but a number as she still is as feisty and as together she ever. We love her to infinity and beyond.

A special day shared by two special people in my life. Grateful beyond words for them both. With love, honour and respect Happy birthday to you both for including me in your lives. Namaste.

There is no Vermont @ScandalABC

Spoiler Alert – this blog is dedicated to my addiction Scandal so indulge me for a minute as Liv and Fitz like to say. Just one minute. So here we go…

OMG! OMG ! OMG!

To all the @Gladiators out there, we all know what that means. To the nonGladiators, you missed an awesome show last night. Shonda  Rhimes and her team of writers are the best writers on the planet in my opinion. There is nothing that can top ABC’s Scandal – not even close. I can say that because I am totally biased and I don’t really watch anything else on TV because it is this show that keeps me coming back every single week to get my Scandal Fix.

Just when my interest was starting to wane. Just when my faith in where the show was going was starting to slip away, last night I was transported to a whole new level on my favourite show ABC Scandal. I am literally obsessed with this show and last night there were so many OMG moments that I lost count. OMG! OMG!OMG! No one is safe on this show. Nothing is out of bounds. My heart is still racing. Palms are still sweating and it’s the next morning already. Totally awesome show.

As I  told one of my fellow Gladiators during the intense tweeting and Facebooking session last night, my little Samsung tablet could not keep up with the pace that the tweets and posts were streaming so it kept freezing. I swear there was steam coming out of its top as it froze several times. Frustrating me to no end particularly when I felt I had something so profound to say. But then again I was so transfixed by the show that I didn’t mind not posting because I didn’t want to miss a word. How many negative can you count in that sentence. Hopefully they cancel out to mean something positive but whatever - it is Scandal after all!

I am an #Olitz fan all the way but last night I was on the fence for the first time thinking that #Olake may not be such a bad option until Liv turned her back on Jake sending him off the edge. Giving him what little nudge he needed to assume his whole Command persona and go in my opinion “Postal”. The monologue he started and sorted ended with showing that he has some deeply disturbing issues going on in his background that can make him become as cold as ice and as calculating as a fox. Remember power corrupts. And Jake is about to become so corrupted with so many scores he wants and needs to settle that it is firghtening. Chilling thought really.

And then Liv turns back to Fitz and says to him, “Let’s just stop pretending. Let’s just be here.” At first I thought she needed to add, “Be here right now in this moment. With me. You and me together.” But I guess she didn’t need to because when she grabbed his face and took command of their situation for the first time, her actions spoke louder than any words ever could.  The pain in both their faces. The kiss nearly melted my heart. Liv just brought everything back to the present moment. Insulating them from the past and the future that may never be. The reality that is them rather than the fantasy that may never happen for them. “There is no Vermont.” I nearly cried. Sealing their moment with that hungry kiss made me weak. So once again I was strongly an #Olitz fan but with #Olake not too far in the background. Quiver. Quiver.

And then just when I thought I could not be stunned anymore or there could not possibly be anything else that could be done. Jake turns up looking as fine as ever in his black turtle neck and pea jacket, as we called them back in the day, and appeared to shoot people he should not be shooting.  I mean after all isn’t he Command and doesn’t he know that he has been elevated to have people that do that sort of stuff for him. Or was he just trying to show that he is not just a pretty face but a cold and calculating murderer too so he can recruit those who never knew they were capable of being recruited into the elusive B613 into his fold. And whomever he recruited knows not to mess with him.

I don’t know but all I can say is hats off to Shonda Rhimes, her writers and the Scandal team for hurling me back into my addictive state of not being able to wait until the next episode of Scandal. How much more time until next Thursday… 6 days, 137 hours, 8220 seconds – but hey whose counting…

Bring it on @KerryWashington, @TonyGoldwyn, @ScottKFoley, @ ShondaRhimes, @ScandalABC.  Can’t wait to see what happens next. Next Thursday can’t come fast enough…

Taking the time to unravel our minds

When we start thinking of regrets and regrets only, that’s all life becomes. When we are too hard on ourselves for decisions we did not make rather than focusing on the decisions we did make, we forget the magic that happens every day for us.

When we focus on what we didn't do rather than on what we have done and are doing, life becomes a chore.

When we think we are standing still rather than looking at the small steps we are taking, life becomes too overwhelming for us.

Sometimes we just have to accept we are where we are meant to be even if it is not where we thought we would be. As there are no mistakes therefore we ought not to feel regret.

However we are human and because we are human, we will from time to time find ourselves trapped in a funky place. A place where there are nothing but regrets. Clouding our judgment. Putting us in a place of fear. And when we are in this place of fear, we lash out at those around us. Needing to find someone or something to blame for the place we find ourselves in. Rather than accepting that we are responsible for the choices we have made, the decisions we have not made, the opportunities we have chosen not to pursue, the paths we chose not to go down.

We cannot blame someone else for taking what we felt was our place because we opened the door for them to do so. We cannot become angry that life seems to be working out for everyone else around us while our lives seem to be going nowhere. Everyone is where they are based on decisions they have made and decisions they have made not. Including us.

When we do find ourselves in this place, The Waiting Room as Dr. Seuss so aptly called it, as we will from time to time, it is up to us to really ask what it is that we want from life, for our lives, in our lives then when receive the answer, be willing to take the chance, to step out there to be exposed rather than hiding in the place of blame and shame and regret. Rather than remaining in the Waiting Room. Afraid of making a mistake rather than continuing to feel we are living a mistake. 

Regret is what keeps us from seeing there is no such thing as a mistake. There are no mistakes in our lives – none whatsoever and we have to remind ourselves of that when we see opportunities pass us by. We need to shift our thoughts to tell ourselves that those opportunities were not meant for us yet. Only when we are ready will the time be right. Only when we are strong enough and brave enough to own our behaviors, our choices, our decisions, will we be able to take responsibility for our actions. Only then will we be able to step into the shoes of abundance and light with no regrets, no blame and no shame. Because we have taken the time to unravel our minds. Giving us the space to be who we are meant to be. Without regret. wWthout shame. Without blame.

Every day we are given signs

Every day we are given signs about where we want to be with our lives. Every day we are answered as to what to do next and where to be next. Every day something happens to let us know who is with us and who is not. Yet we choose to ignore these signs when they aren’t what we think we want. When we are afraid of making tough decisions. When we are worried about what others may say or think. Ignoring the voice, the voice that comes from deep within.

We are given clues all the time about what we are really feeling. Truly feeling from deep, deep within. Clues that bubble to the surface, float in front of us and sometimes smack us right in the face because we refused to listen. Refused to take heed. Leaving us wandering in the wilderness. Fumbling in the dark. Looking over our shoulders waiting for the moment we are in to be snatched away from us because we know it is not us. Never ours for the taking.

Every day there is something that nudges us. Pushes us to the place we are meant to be. Whispers to us from deep within instructions about what to do next. But sometimes we think we aren’t ready or do not have the tools to proceed.  But if we were to look back over our lives whenever we have been brave enough, trusted enough, had faith enough, doors have opened that we didn’t know even existed. Opportunities came that we thought were for the lucky ones. Not for people like us.

Until we realize there is no such thing as luck. Life is all about the choices we make, the people we surround ourselves with, the settings we choose to live and work in. Life is a reflection of who we are and where we are in our growth process. It is not about what anyone else is doing or has. It is all about what feels good for us and what gets us up in the morning. The gratitude we feel. The love we feel. The joy we feel. Because all of these feelings come for us. Our inner most selves. Our reservoir.

When we are feeling lost and afraid, we are being asked by life to stop, to sit, to contemplate, to really listen to the voice within because it is asking us to surrender to it. Asking us to listen to it. Asking us to accept what it is telling us because it is our master compass. Our chief navigator. Our light in the dark.

Only then can we accept, every day we are given signs, clues, answers to the questions, to the life, to the way we seek. Every day but we have to be willing to listen, to take heed and to do what we are being instructed to do particularly when we are afraid. Particularly when nothing makes sense. Particularly when the road seems rocky and without end.

Our lives, wherever we find ourselves, are reflections of who we are and where we are at the present moment. We attract who we are and reject who we are not. Simple but difficult at the same time.  The best way to live the lives we want is to listen, really listen to the voice within and the only way we can do that is to give ourselves permission to be with ourselves, truly with ourselves. Because every day we are given signs about where we want to be with our lives. Every day we are answered about what to do next and where to be next. It's just up to us to listen, to surrender, to take heed. Because no one can give us the life we want except us. No one but us.

The wolf in sheep's clothing

When we think all is all about us

When we think everything everyone does is about us

When we become so obsessed with our own agendas

That only our agendas matter

When we are convinced the world must come to a standstill when we want it to

Regardless of what anyone else wants

When we think we can say whatever we want to people

Because we are the only ones entitled to an opinion

Eventually those who we want to listen to us

Listen no more

Eventually those who we want to be in our presence

No longer see the point of our presence

Because we have cried wolf so many times

That when the wolf appears at our door

No one believes us

No one comes

Because the wolf never existed

The wolf was our imagination

No one else could see it

But us

Because we created it

To hide from who we are

To not see what we need to see about us

About who we truly are

On the inside

To not see we are the wolf

The one we created all along

That’s why we have to be sure

About the decisions we make

The things we say

The bridges we break

The doors we shut in the faces of those who would have stood by us

Because eventually people move on

Eventually people see the agenda is all about us

Without any regard for them

Eventually they become tired of the drama

The poor me victim stage

That we create to make others believe we are the victims

The wolves in sheeps’ clothing

When the victim is really the bully

Because really that’s what bullying is

Bullying is trying to make people

Do what we want

When we want it

And when we are ready to stop the shenanigans

When we want to go back

Sometimes there is no going back

Because we have set a new reality

Created new boundaries

That do not lead to what we want

Because eventually people become exhausted

Tired

Bored

Indifferent

Not full of hate

But just plain indifferent

To our cries

To our pleas

To our manipulative ways

Because eventually those people we have cast aside

Become strong enough to realize

That sometimes it is better to just leave well enough alone

To walk away from the drama

To keep the door closed that was closed for us

With forgiveness and love

But sometimes there are some

Who try to come back when we stop running to them

They try to manipulate by turning the tables

On the ones they pushed away

Believing it was the ones who were pushed that are at fault

When in fact no one is at fault

There is no fault

There is no blame

There is no hate

It is just the time has come when what was

Is no more

And can never be again

Because when we truly believe all is done to us

Not for us

When we think everything happens to us

Not for us

Eventually everything does become about us

And us alone

Standing all alone

Wondering how to get to the other side

How the bridge broke

How we lost the key to the door

We want to reopen

Eventually we do walk this path 

Have to walk it alone

And could walk it alone for a long time

If we don’t reconcile with ourselves

That we are the wolf

The wolf in sheep’s clothing

Words matter - Giving our girls the space to be the women they are meant to be

Saturday, March 8 marked the celebration of International Women’s Day and I had the privilege of reading lots of interesting articles about changing how we label our girls from being called bossy to being revered for showing signs of having leadership skills. How we should not dampen down our girls’ ability to lead and how we should not try to make them feel bad for having natural leadership skills. To encourage them to be who they are even when there are some who feel threatened by their natural ability to lead.

And I thought about my life and how I came into leadership at a very young age. I thought my leadership skills came when my mother died when I was 13 but I realize the ability to lead was something that was innate in me because of the surroundings I came from. The upbringing I had. The people I saw on my television screen. All these events and people were shaping my future without me even realizing they were.

I owe a lot of my “je ne sais quoi” to the place I grew up in – Bermuda – where women were making headlines. And fortunately they were women who looked like me – a brown girl with an eagerness to lead and not really knowing I had that knowingness at the time. And to those women who did not turn their backs on me. Who saw something in me that I did not see but encouraged me to bring her to the forefront. Bring me to me.

I used to watch the news and saw this woman called Lois Browne- Evans become a lawyer and become the first leader of the Opposition Party – a woman in the 1970s at that level for me to see during my formative years made me believe there was nothing that could stop me from being the leader I wanted to be either. It did not seem impossible for me to reach that status and neither did it seem unusual to me. I just had in my mind that women like me could be anything we wanted to be if she was the leader of the Opposition party and a lawyer and she was black. Which was not a big deal either because I grew up in predominantly black Bermuda – where I was the majority rather than the minority.

Then my mother died when I was 13 and while all my friends were busy trying to decide what  they were going to do after school and on the weekends, I was busy trying to figure out how to manage a household, do my school work and take care of my family because I was suddenly the head of my family. The one who held everyone together. The only woman, but still a girl, left amongst 4 men. Becoming a multitasking leader from the demands of life. Thrust upon me without even knowing I could or had those skills. Teaching me I can do anything even when I think I can’t as long as I believe I can.

And though there were those who said I would be a failure, what they didn’t realize was that life was preparing me to lead. Preparing me to stand on my own in many uncomfortable circumstances. Preparing me for people who would stab me in the back while smiling in my face. Preparing me to walk many roads alone and know that if I kept walking no matter how dark it seemed or how lost I felt, as long as I kept going, I would be rewarded. So I kept going. Closing my ears to those who disparaged me. Shut my eyes to those who taunted me. Blocked out the words of those who wanted me to fail.

Quite strangely I realized the more these people talked about me and expected less from me, the more I did what I had to do because no eyes were on me to succeed so I learnt to be that silent warrior who did not yell and scream and shout but the one who saw avenues that no one else saw or were too afraid to take because they were out of the ordinary. I also had along the way some very influential teachers, friends, relatives who saw something in me that was worth grooming and stood by me.

Because what I learnt after my mother’s death was that tomorrow is not promised to anyone. That no one lasts forever not even me. That if I want something from life I have to go for it even when others tell me it is not possible. Sure as I have grown older, I have become more reserved in what I go for but what I want my daughter and my son to know is that this life is theirs and theirs alone and there will be people along the way who will try to label them, take from them and make them feel inferior but in no way can those people do that to them unless they allow them to regardless of who those people may be. These naysayers and dream stealers may come in the form of teachers, relatives and friends and they can come in the form of people they least expect to hurt them.

So what I am teaching both my daughter and son by example is no matter how someone wants to label them or take from them, they have the ability to be whomever they want as long as they believe. And for those who believe my daughter is bossy, please keep your opinions to yourself because she is in her formative years and is developing the skills she needs to be the best woman she can be. And for all women let’s refrain from labelling each other in ways that are meant to be disrespectful and full of innuendos because we are raising the next generation of women who will carry our words on to the next generation and the next.

To my sisters, it’s up to us to stop the negative chatter and allow our daughters to fully step into their innate abilities without feeling like they have to be anyone other than who they are to be accepted by the female club. In celebration of International Women’s Day – we are raising the next generation of women who will be mothers, sisters, daughters, friends and we want them to be as whole as they can be so they can raise generations that will respect, honour and raise each other up. At the end of the day, we all come from women and the more we uphold the sanctity of womanhood, the better our world will be.

As Condoleezza Rice said, “Words matter.” Here’s to inspiring change through a mindset and language change in the sisterhood of Womanhood… women, the vessels through which all humankind come. Girls will one day be the women of tomorrow.