Exhausting Being Everyone but Me

What are we looking for as individuals?

What is it that we really want out of life?

When do we know we have what we are meant to have?

At what point do we feel like we are living the lives we are meant to be living?

Do we ever reach that point or are we always striving for more?

What happens when the door opens but it does not feel like our door?

What happens when several doors open at the same time?

How do we know which door is meant for us and more importantly which door is not?

Is there really a right door and a wrong door or are they all right and wrong?

Could it be possible that every path we take, every choice we make, every decision is right and wrong for us at the same time?

Questions, questions, questions are filling my heart today

Crowding my mind today

Because I am searching, seeking, probing

As many of us do at the beginning of the year

At the beginning

Because we project so far ahead

Trying to direct our lives

As I am

Right now

Trying to see the destination

Before I even understand my journey

Rather than living it for what it is

Instead of what it isn't

Living each moment

Studying each moment

Being grateful in each moment

For each moment

Appreciating that it could be my last moment

I know how to root myself

But sometimes I don’t want to, can’t and have no desire to be rooted

In that moment

Sometimes I want to be over there more than I want to be here

Sometimes I do not want to be where I am

But if I stop and listen

Really listen to the sound of me

To the sound of my silence

To the sound of my voice

I will know that every path

Every step

Every decision

Every choice

I have made

Without blaming anyone else

Has brought me to this place of questions

To this place of seeking

To this place of probing

And if that is really the case

Then only I 

Can get myself out of this place

Of questioning

Of probing

Of seeking

But how 

I ask

But why

I probe

But when 

I demand

Only when I am ready 

Comes the answer

Only when I learn 

Comes the whisper

Then the wave

Only when the time feels truly right 

Booms loud and clear

And only I will know

Arives the conclusion

But I have to be courageous enough

Brave enough

Strong enough

To buck the tide

To not try to be so dreadfully normal

Which leads to boredom

To not desire to be so easily mainstream

Which leads to stagnation

To not fall into the trap of following the crowd

Because I so desperately want to be accepted by everyone else

Instead to recognise

Sometimes I have to walk alone

To understand who I am and what I want

And sometimes walking alone

With my head above the crowd can be terrifying

And that’s why it is so easy to fall into the status quo

To be like everyone else

To do what everyone else expects

But then when I do

That’s when I get the questions

Rather than the answers

I seek

A feeling of unrest

Rather than rest

A feeling of wanting to be over there

Rather than here

So it is on me 

To listen to me

To be me

To fully embody

Who I am

And what I asked to come here to be

As it is my short

Short

Short

Life

No one else’s

So it is time to let go

And let be

So I can finally be me

Terrifying

Exhilarating

But well worth it

I know

Because it’s exhausting

Being everyone but me

Shifting the energy begins with us

Yesterday I encountered several negative people. People that were testing me, I believe, to see where I was. To see how I was about to start my New Year. And I almost fell into their trap of wallowing in the pits. Of being gleeful of pulling others down to make us feel better, more superior but in each instance I caught myself and turned the conversations from negative to positive. Trying to change my outlook so in turn I could shift them as well and you know what it worked in most instances. And where it did not, I removed myself from the situation.

Shifting the energy begins with ourselves as we are responsible for the energy we bring into the room. We are responsible for who we are and how we feel. No one else is responsible for the way we feel regardless of what they may have done to us. And more importantly we can’t change anyone else, we can only change the way we react to them. The way we perceive the situation we find ourselves in.

And yesterday when I decided I wanted no part of negativity I found my step was lighter, my outlook was brighter and the day that initially had started out grey, dull and blustery turned into a beautiful day full of love and light because that was what I was feeling. That was the energy I was bringing into the room. Into my life.

Too often we fall into the trap of blaming everyone else for the problems we encounter, for the energy we attract.  Some days will be easier than others to shift our energy because there are days when that’s just the way we are meant to feel. And we have to learn to claim those days for what they are as well as know others will have those days and we cannot  stand in judgment of them but decide whether we want to be in that space or not. And if we don’t want to be in that space then it us up to us to move away to where the sunshine and light is so we may bask in it. Rather than lurking in the shadows wondering when there will ever be light.

There is always light even on our darkest days as there is always good energy,  we just have to be responsible enough for ourselves to be able to find it and appreciate it and be in it if it is meant to be.

Lifting the sorrow of the first Monday of the New Year

This Monday is the hardest one of all as it is the first Monday of the year where my family has to reemerge from our cocoon of Nirvana. Reemerge into the real world for the first time in the New Year after two weeks of Christmas and New Year’s celebrations. Two weeks of slacking off and relaxing. Two weeks of no routines. Of not having to get up so early in the morning. Of not having to do anything but what we wanted to do. Nirvana it seemed. But now it is time to go back to reality. To snap out of my fantasy world of being a lady of leisure to going back to life as it is. As is my reality at the present moment. For my family to snap out of our cocoon to go back into the real world, separate but combined.

So how am I going to face this day? Should I be sad that my holiday is over? Our holiday is over. Should I be nervous about the start of the New Year in earnest at work? The start of a new year for my children going back to school and back to our hectic routines where everyone is here and there.

Or should I turn the feeling around to a feeling of gratitude? Of gratitude for having the two weeks to do nothing but what we wanted to do. Of being together but separate at the same time.

I think I will allow the combination of both feelings to run through me. The sadness of having to go back to routines, schedules, demands and time constraints while at the same time being grateful for having had the time to be. To just be. To refresh myself and my children to refresh themselves.

My husband went back on Thursday so this morning is not that much of a shock to his system as it is to ours. It is such a dark and blustery morning as well. So it feels like I am in the shadows. Not yet ready to emerge from my state of bliss to the chaos of the real world. Not quite ready to think about what lies ahead.  But whether I am ready or not, the time is upon me, upon us, to emerge . To embrace what is and to go with it. To reemerge into the world to see what it has to offer me, my children and my husband. To embrace what is with gratitude and grace.

So yes it is overwhelming to start anew. To go back into the world looking ahead at the full New Year and wondering what it will bring. But if I take every moment as it comes without projecting beyond that then I will find the reemergence is not as bad. Not as overwhelming. Because only then will I be able to breathe and live as I am meant to live rather than worrying about what I have no control over. Embracing the future that comes moment by moment rather than trying to figure it all out, I will be able to take the steps I need to get to where I am meant to be.

So now that I have talked myself off the ledge of despair I know I have so much to be grateful for as I have been blessed with seeing another day. Another start to a work New Year. As have my husband and children. And there is no need to dismiss the trepidation that comes with the start of the new because change always brings with it some reservations but it is how we react to that change that makes the most difference.

I go forward today with gratitude and grace as my family begins our routines for this New Year. Embracing the moment that we are in and keeping myself open and receptive to the gifts and treasures of the Universe. Knowing each moment is a blessing, a gift. And for seeing this first Monday of the New Year where we begin anew, I am truly grateful. Namaste.

Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

Yesterday afternoon I took my 14 year old son and 10 year old daughter to see the movie, Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom –and was totally unprepared for what I saw –what we saw. For some reason I had this romantic notion in my head about what happened to Mandela and not really what happened to him. So to say I was shocked by the brutality of what happened during my lifetime is an understatement.

When Mandela was arrested in 1963 I was being born. When he was thrown into jail for life in 1964, I was a year old. When he was offered a conditional release in 1985, I had been out of University for a year. During his arrest and offer for release, I had been born, lost my mother, and graduated from University. Somehow the time span of his imprisonment had not registered to me until it was put into context by the movie and what had transpired in my life during that time – from babe to woman while he was locked behind bars. I was shaken to the core by that realization. Revelation.

My daughter was crying and very scared at the beginning of the movie because there was a lot of violence, a lot of maiming, a lot of killing and just plain hate and it unnerved her. At first I was upset with her for being so upset because I so wanted her and my son to see the story – to understand the struggle – to know that life will be hard sometimes. So I reprimanded her rather than comforting her. And then when I felt a stab in my heart with what was unfolding before my eyes, I understood her pain. Her innocence about the human race was being shattered before her 10 year old eyes – eyes opened to pain she did not know existed. So I pulled her into me and held her close. Held her through the parts in the movie where I wanted to reach through the screen and shake those who were killing. Those who were maiming. Those who were oppressing the oppressed until the oppressed wanted to become the oppressor. When I wanted to scream to them that the only thing violence begets is violence.

Only when the movie moved beyond the violence to the peace seeking stage when Mandela realized the only way out was through peace did my daughter emerge from my arms. Did she feel the shift in energy from the movie. That she felt safe again and then she was glued to the screen. To hear Mandela say of course he wants revenge but he wants something more than that – freedom – the freedom to walk down the street like any man. The freedom to be. Liberties we take for granted every single day.

Reminding me the only freedom we will ever know is the unshackling of our minds. We cannot go through life blaming others for the predicament we find ourselves in. We cannot seek revenge on those who wrong us. We cannot live our lives angry with those who have crossed us. No what we need to do is forgive and walk on. Let go of that which is trying to shackle us and keep us down and rise above those who threaten us because when we stoop to their level and do onto them as they did unto us, we become them.

When the movie ended, my children and I sat in silence watching the pictures of the true Mandela on the screen. Watching the young idealist man enter prison to the older man who emerge with a lesson greater than anything he could have imagined learned.  As I watched, the weight of what he did for his fellow countrymen and the rest of the world hit home particularly because it was all during my lifetime, I felt raw. Exposed. I allowed the tears to roll down my cheeks. All of his pain was endured during my formative years - making me realize more than anything when we are here to serve, when we seek not power for ourselves but power for all, we reach dreams greater than we ever imagined. We achieve more than we ever thought possible because we are seeking to better ourselves and in doing so help to better our fellow brothers and sisters.

As we left the theatre, there was a white woman that I know crying. I knew she needed to talk to someone so I stopped to talk and she kept saying over and over again how disappointed she was in herself because she did not know the extent of the trials Mandela faced. That she wished she would have done more.  Known more. Participated more to right the wrongs of mankind. I told her there is no need for her to be disappointed as there is no way we can turn back the hands of time but it is up to us to teach ourselves and our children and anyone who will listen the importance of balance in our present day and in the future so we can make this world a better place for you and me and the entire human race – to borrow a phrase from Michael Jackson.

Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom –a movie well worth seeing as a reminder that we are a human race not a black race or white race but a human race as Mandela so eloquently put it, “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.” 
― Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom

“I have fought against white domination, and I have fought against black domination. I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons will live together in harmony with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for, and to see realised. But my Lord, if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die."
Nelson Mandela, defence statement during the Rivonia Trial, 1964. Also repeated during the closing of his speech delivered in Cape Town on the day he was released from prison 27 years later, on 11 February 1990.

Confessions of an unexpected #Gladiator

I have a problem and the only way I think I will be able to overcome it, is to confess it. So I am going out on a limb and confessing to the fact that I am totally and utterly addicted to #ABC’s Scandal. And more so to the love affair between #Olivia and #Fitz or #Olitz as they are called. Even writing their names sends tingles up and down my spine. How can this be?

I only became a #Gladiator in December of 2013 as I am not a television watcher in general but I was prepping for a routine procedure that I had to have – those ones that become mandatory when you reach 50! And needed something to help me to get through the process. Everyone, including people I consider to be level headed and intelligent, was talking about this show. This #Scandal and its salacious affairs, twists and turns and its plentiful OMG moments. And when I heard what the storyline was, I thought there was no way I would even enjoy it – after all I have been married for 21 years nearly 22 so why would I want to watch the story of an illicit affair?

But I remember seeing an article about #KerryWashington and #TonyGoldwyn while I was travelling somewhere and remembered the energy that was clearly evident between them – the chemistry – that certain je ne sais quoi – and decided I would give it a go.  So I bought the Season 1 DVD fully expecting to not really enjoy it but to be entertained by it. Never expecting from the first show to be hooked – a #Popehead, through and through. There was no turning back after the first viewing because after each episode I needed to know more. Understand more. See more. There was this connection that would not let me go.

The way @Fitz looks at @Olivia is the way every woman wants her man to look at her. So listen up men, take a page out of Fitz’s book. And then just when I thought I could take no more, the show ended. Season finale until February 27. Leaving me breathless, anxious and going through some serious withdrawal symptoms. So what does a professional, happily married woman, mother of two children and usually highly spiritual woman do to get over her addiction? She goes back and watches the whole series again. This time hooking her husband as well. And then when they finish the series together, she goes back and watches it again. This time under the guise of ironing the clothes that have been piled up for ages in the ironing basket – any legitimate excuse will do to help her through her addiction.

To #ShondaRhimes and #Betsy Beers, I don’t know how you managed to pull together such a wonderful collection of writers, actors and smouldering hot energy between #Fitz and #Olivia but whatever you are doing, keep it up. I am hooked. Totally and utterly. Their ability to communicate without words. The clever way in which the plot of the story, the urgency of the characters slows down when #Fitz and #Olivia are in the room nearly gives me a heart attack.

Like Huck and his Scotch addiction, I am now joining #Scandaholics and chugging back gallons of the smoothest Sancerre – of course in the most delicate crystal wine glass I can find – as a lady never drinks from the bottle - as I watch the art you are portraying – there is no right or wrong, black or white, life is messy, complicated and sometimes we end up on paths we never thought we would take. Not one of us is perfect and sometimes we need to be vulnerable and flawed so that we can know life and love in ways we never dreamed possible. So that we can drown in the fantasy that is reality. Brilliant.

Thanks for the ride #Scandal, #Olitz, #ShondaRhimes. Can’t wait for February 27 – how many more days are left - who would have thought? But now that I have confessed hopefully I can go back to having a normal life again – but if not there are always the Season DVDs, YouTube and whatever else I can get my hands on for my #Scandal fix….Scandalous.

A lesson the first day of 2014

Yesterday morning on the first day of the year, I sat out on my porch with Mysty-Blue, our rabbit. I sat in silence and in reverence of being fortunate enough to see the start of the New Year. To see another year come through.

I sat in silence, without expectation, without want or need and just watched. Watched life happening all around me. And was reminded that when we stop, when we listen, when we contemplate in silence, we do not have to ask, we do not have to seek, we do not have to do. What we are meant to see and hear and do come to us without question, without explanation, without reason. Because what we are meant to do or get is always waiting for us to just stop and see that it has been waiting for us all the time. Waiting for us to slow down, to allow the confusion and frustration and overlaid to do list fall to the wayside and allow what is meant for us to rise through them all. For us to see and to appreciate.

I realised this because as I sat in silence and watched, I saw a blue bird sitting on the Poinciana tree waiting for me to see it. Waiting in silence for me to appreciate it - so I did. And as I did, I saw there was not one bluebird but four bluebirds all in total delicately balancing on the branches of the trees. Filling me with love and hope and inspiration. Filling me with the gift and joy of life. Letting me know that there is always something or someone by our side. That we are never alone. That when we stop and listen and go to our place of silence, our place of surrender that’s when we discover the angels by our side, the guides travelling with us, the spirit that connects us all is always with us.

When we surrender and are patient and ask for nothing but the sound of silence that’s when life comes to us showering us with what we are meant to have, to see, to hear, to be. And that’s why I love nature because it is a reminder always of what life is all about- about our place in it - about the need to surrender to the sound of silence. And in  doing so we see, hear and feel it all because we are it all. Namaste

2014

2014

Another year

Another beginning

Another day

Another moment

A time of renewal

A time of incorporating

Every moment

Every lesson

Every twist

Every turn

To the present moment

A time of remembrance

A time of living anew

2014

Namaste

Open and Receptive

Grateful and Blessed

Abundant and giving

Sharing and Accepting

Teaching and Learning

2013

The door is closed

The window shut

I can’t go back

I can’t change the hands of time

But thanks for the ride

For the joy

The heartache and the pain

The lessons learned

The bridges crossed

The memories forever

Cast in my mind

For spring boarding me

To this moment

This moment

In time

2014

Here and now

I am open to

All that is

Was

And

Ever will be

Because I know

There are no second chances

Really

As there is no going back

There is only now

This moment

This opportunity

And it matters not

What happened in the past

It matters only

What happens now

What I have learned

What I have taught

What I am learning

What I am teaching

Because all that is

Is

Right now

No need to project

No need to expect

No need for resolutions

As all that is

Is

Right now

Eyes wide open

To the infinite possibility

That dwells deep within me

That is guiding me

Every single day

In every single way

Asking me

Calling me

Willing me

To answer my call

With fear

But without worry

With courage

And faith

That if I go within

Deep within

To the abundance reservoir

That never runs out

I will give myself

The space

That will lead me

To my supreme destiny

Greater than my greatest imagination

Allowing me to be of service

To first myself

And then to my fellow

Brothers and sisters

Opening myself

And all those on my journey too

To know

To trust

To have faith

That we are 

Exactly

Where we need to be

2014

Bring it on

I am ready

Willing 

And able

To ride

To journey

To share

To accept

Inhaling 

The new

Exhaling

The old

With courage

And abandon

With love

And gratitude

To know

And hear

The voice of the Divine

Because I am of the Divine

As are you

As are

We all

Namaste

Namaste

Namaste

2014