Does a mother's guilt ever go away?

Does a mother’s guilt ever go away? Does a mother ever feel that she can detach from her children? A woman from her family?

I have said this many times before but it always comes back to me when I am ridden with guilt as I am this week, my mother-in-law always says she does not envy this generation because we have far too many choices. That life was much simpler for her generation because they did not have a lot of choices. They did what they had to do. What was expected of them and did not question or doubt. They just did.

Whereas my generation is the first to have a myriad of choices particularly for us women. Women suffered before me to give me the right to vote. Women marched and demanded equal treatment in the workplace, opening doors for the likes of me to hold senior positions in companies. Women fought against the stereotypical image of the woman’s place being at the kitchen sink barefoot and pregnant allowing women to have the ability to lean in as Sheryl Sandberg likes to say.

Yet somewhere along the line, I feel like we missed something or at least I missed something. Sure it is glamorous to travel to many different places. To meet many interesting people. To push myself to the limit in terms of my internal fears. To put myself in situations where I know no one and have to establish who I am. And I do all these things yet at the same time sometimes I feel like something is missing.

I am travelling for business again this week so I missed my daughter’s sports yesterday. All day long I did the things I was meant to do here but my heart was with my daughter. Envisioning her running her little heart out looking for her mommy in the crowd only for her mommy not to be there. Me envying all those mothers who were there for their children. Cheering them on. With me cynically thinking but we call me being away from my children progress because we are so successful as women that we miss our children’s sports. Miss seeing them doing the best they can.

And then I started piling more quilt on myself, sinking myself deeper into the pity game when I thought about how my son will be leaving on Friday to do an expedition and I will miss helping him pack his stuff. Miss making sure he has everything with him. Miss kissing him and wishing him well face to face. Miss his sarcastic responses to me that I have grown to expect and because I am far away from him right now realise how much I will miss.

All in the name of progress, equality and success. But what is progress? What is equality? What is success? Did the women who knew their place, who were there for their families have it better than we do today? Than I do today? Or would those women be looking at my lifestyle and envying me because I do have a seat at the table, because I do get to travel, because I do get to have choices?

Are we ever satisfied with where we are or are we always thinking the grass is greener on the other side. Right now I am torn because I am a mother first but I am missing milestones in my children’s lives that I did not expect I would because I traded that aspect of myself to be this career woman too.

Believe me I am grateful for all that I have but I am also torn about the guilt that I feel when I miss the milestones in my children’s lives. And I also know it is through choice that I am where I am instead of where I would have liked to have been with my children this week. Leading me back to my mother-in-law’s statement and questioning whether she is right, is it much harder when we have choices than it is when we don’t?

Not sure but I do know the guilt is eating away at me this week because I am far from my children and their milestones but grateful at the same time that I have a husband that is there with them. At least they are not totally alone. Still it does not ease my guilt. Does not erase my feelings of being torn.

Taking me back to where I started from is a mother ever free of guilt? Ever free of trying to be all things to all people at her expense? Not sure but I do feel better for putting my feelings out there and hoping that others will understand my quandary as well and maybe by expressing how I feel I can help another woman feeling the same to know she is not alone.

That we are human beings try to live the best lives we can and doing the best we can with the choices we make every single day. That I am a woman, a wife, a mother, a sister and a friend doing the best I can and sometimes that means I will be ridden with guilt and that's okay too as long as I don't let it consume me and allow that to become the story of my life. 

I'm not even sure how to end this blog today because I am not sure what the answer is so I will end without ending today. Accepting that sometimes there are more questions than answers and sometimes that's okay too. Signed a woman searching for balance amongst a myriad of choices.

Allowing space for breakthroughs

Breakthroughs come through when we are helping others because in helping others we are helping ourselves.

Breakthroughs never come through when we are hindering others because in hindering them we are hindering ourselves.

Breakthroughs break us when we are trying to obstruct others, destroy others because breakthroughs can only come through when we share and create not destroy and hate.

Breakthroughs only come through when we are confident enough to accept and be who we are. Never being ashamed of our faults and our insecurities because they are part of what makes us who we are and what we are. Understanding our imperfections are our greatest strengths because they make us human. Relatable. Empathetic because we understand there is no perfect being that walks this Earth.

Breakthroughs come through when we share our stories. Our histories. Our truths from deep within because when we do we allow ourselves to come to terms with our own struggles, our own imperfections and in doing so we help others by letting them know they are not alone in their struggles. 

Every one of us came here with a story. A story we chose to tell. A story we chose to live. A story to grow us and mould us. And every time we let that story out, with truth and without holding back, we allow ourselves to breakthrough. To move to the next level of understanding because in doing so we open our eyes and the eyes of others to the interconnectedness of us all. Because we realize our stories are universal stories. We understand just how interconnected we all are.

I love telling my story. My story of adversity and breakthroughs because in doing so I see the light come on in someone else’s eyes because they thought they were alone.  Thought they were the only ones struggling to find the light. And when they see there is someone else that knows their pain and has come out on the other side, they feel lighter, freer. I feel such power in helping to liberate others from the bondage of their own thoughts because I know in doing so I have liberated myself as well.

And it is because I share my story over and over again , I realise why I encounter struggle and pain, it is to grow me, to heal me, to move me on so that when I tell my story I tell it from a place of truth, a place of compassion, empathy, authenticity and wholeheartedness, allowing me to touch someone else. And I   understand this story telling allows me breakthroughs that fill me up and make me over flow because I have done the same for someone else.

I know for sure that breakthroughs come through when we are helping others because in helping others we are helping ourselves. Because breakthroughs only come through when we are seeing and feeling our stories through the eyes of others. When we recognize we do not walk this path alone. That we are all here to help each other, not destroy. Not hinder. Not hurt. But to help. But to love. To love freely and openly because when we do we open our hearts to compassion, to a love so deep it makes us vibrate. Allowing space for breakthroughs to come through. Taking us to a whole new level of understanding, living and loving. Namaste 

Moved by beautiful music

There is something magical about beautiful music. Music that is written and is expressed from the soul because it is the soul. This music touches me on a much deeper level than I knew music could. It lifts my spirits and carries me on the eternal rhythmic journey that connects us all to us all. It leaves me feeling inspired, breathless and full of joy because I feel like I  have been shown a piece of heaven, Nirvana, Bliss, Sacred space or whatever name of the eternal resonates with us.

Beautiful music sometimes fills me with tears - both joyful and sad tears because it brings to the surface all that I am. All that I asked to come here to be then drops me back off into reality. Leaving me reaching grasping for more. Knowing that when I surrender I am in a place of magic, surrender and love.

 I love to start my day listening to beautiful music. Allowing it to permeate every cell, pore of my body. Relaxing into it. Allowing myself to float on the waves of sound. The blissfulness of the nothingness that is the all.

I close my eyes and surrender to each note. Giving each note permission to embrace me. Entrance me. Wake me up while at the same time putting me to sleep. Easing any worry. Any pain, any apprehension or fear that may be threatening to pull me down into the abyss. Allowing it to lift me, carry me, to that place – that place we only glimpse when we let go of everything accepting it is the same as nothing.

I love beautiful music. Closing my eyes, Inhaling the smell of surrender. Breathing in the breath of life. Swaying inside and out to the sound - to wonderful sound of life – beginning and ending, awakening and sleeping. Every pore on my body on edge as I reach the ecstasy of surrender.  Allowing me to feel totally and utterly alive. Prickles of anticipation and surrender mingling. Feeling my cheeks move as a smile from deep within rises and spreads across my face.

I love listening to beautiful music. To soulful music. Ethereal nusic like the voice of angels. Written from the heart, Written from that place of total surrender. That place that does not question. Does not need answers. That place that understands we are all here for a reason. Good or bad. That place that knows no bounds yet has bounds of its own. That place that when I find it, I feel like a little girl being born again. Awakening to the joy of all that is available to me and for me.

Seeing all the possibility that exists. All the good that is. And I want to hold on to the feeling for as long as I can. Until I remember to just be where I am. Listening to the sound of life – the silence and the noise all combined. Taking me. Holding me. Freeing me. To be all that I came here to be. Returning to the beginning at the ending of this physical space knowing it for the first time to begin all over again.

Music beautiful music. Love. Thank you. Namaste

March truly makes its entrance as a lion

Woke up this morning to everything banging and crashing around outside. The wind howling. Rain lashing against the windowpanes.  The sound of a winter storm. Thinking what a great day to stay indoors. To vegetate. To be cocooned from the storm brewing outside.  

I got up to check outside – to see that was causing the haunting howling sound as the wind found its way through my windows - like the sound of a crying lady lost at sea. And that’s when I saw just how stormy it was outside. Leaves burnt from being whipped by the wind flying across the lawn. Some on the ground sodden from the rain that was beating down.

Seeing yet another rainy day and this time mixed with high winds we have not seen in a while, at first my spirits dropped as I thought when will this rain ever end? When will we have some sun to dry out the dampness that seems to be a permanent feature of my home? To dry out the mud that is becoming more present than the grass. To lift my spirits because there is no sun. I wasn’t born to be a troglodyte. I was born to be outside basking in the sun was my lament to the Silence.

The silence answered me by having me glimpse my calendar showing me that today is the first of March. The first day of the month that will bring in spring and I realized it is March coming in like the lion it can be. This time angry that its season of winter was not allowed to show its force, dampened by the rain and the high humidity that cheated it of its ability to be chilly and windy. Letting us know how fierce our winter could have been and how we have been fortunate enough to have been spared.

My mood shifted from one of doom and gloom to one of gratitude, gratitude that yes the day may be stormy and the outside is dark and gray but we have been spared all winter from the cold that we could have had. That I live in a place where there are no snowstorms that keep us marooned indoors. No ice storms that keep us bundled up so our faces don’t crack from the cold. In a place where yes we  have storms from time to time but in general we are surrounded by the bluest of oceans and landscape that looks like a continuous garden.

So I surrendered to the first of March accepting it is doing its thing. Blowing in like a lion. Allowing winter to have its last hurrah before it makes way for Spring. Allowing me the presence of mind to exhale.  Accepting with gratitude the weather as stormy as it is, could have been a whole lot worse. Welcome March 1. Welcome with all your force. Truly making your entrance as the lion you can be. Blowing away the remnants of winter before you usher in spring. Namaste

A lesson from my niece about life

My niece recently sent me a note about something wonderful that has happened in her life. A breakthrough that she did not see coming even though she asked for it through prayer. And it reminded me that life gives us when we are true to ourselves. When we trust in the Universe. When we have faith to do what we are meant to do and then let go. Not letting any obstacle. Not letting any person. Not letting any fear get in our way. Because we know that we are nearing the Promised Land. And we know the only thing that stops us from entering the Promised Land is to feel unworthy. To feel like we don’t belong. To feel that only certain people can enter the Promised Land.

Forgetting that we all come from the Promised Land.  So why can’t we go back? We are cast out into the wilderness for reasons we asked to come here to be. We are cast out of the Promised Land so that we can find our way back and when we do all sorts of opportunities, doors, and paths we forget were available to us come to us. Become available to us because they were always there. 

And when we get those glimpses into possibility somehow we shut our ears to the naysayers. We close our eyes to those who will sell their souls to the devil so they can achieve their own personal success at the expense of others. We know that what goes around comes around and we remember to do what is best for us that will ultimately be best for all mankind. For everyone in our space and for those who may not be in our space but will benefit from who and what we become.

My niece did not realize at the time that by sending me her note of achievement. Her note of affirmation that she was on the right track, actually helped to restore my confidence in Spirit. Helped to ground me to the fact that life is all about what we believe about ourselves. When we allow in the snake charmers. When we doubt our abilities because we are surrounded by people who doubt theirs, we learn we are attracting these people into our lives because we have lost our way. Have forgotten the gifts that we inherently carry. The love that we have in our heart. The connection to the spirit that allows our hearts and souls to open again to follow our inner star. To know we are the shining example of love and light.

But when we remember, when we express gratitude, when we reconnect, we become one with the synchronistic path in life where one door leads to another to another until there are no more doors. Until there are no more barriers. Until we are embraced by the love and light of the Universal Force. Giving us the confidence to accept the tools that were available to us the whole time. Allowing us to tap into the Universal Force that unites, builds and lifts up.

Allowing us to become the ones, as my niece recently discovered, who do not just stand and observe the glass trying to decide if it is half empty or half full, we take the glass and drink what has been provided expressing gratitude for the abundance in our lives. And when we do, people see it and feel it and things start to happen that we always dreamed possible but were too afraid to admit let alone accept. Allowing us to glory in the Divine Spirit that has been with us all the time because we understand it is us. Because we understand the Promised Land is not over there but here right here in our hearts when we believe, when we have faith, when we let go and let be.

Thank you to my niece, my angel, for showing me the way again.

We are responsible for the lives we want to lead

What happens when the light starts to go out in our world, when we start to feel like we no longer belong where we are? What happens when we start to feel like we are ought to somewhere else but don’t know where that somewhere else is and can’t seem to find the way to somewhere else. Wherever that somewhere else may be. Taking us away from where we are right now.

What happens when we feel like we are drowning in a place where there is nowhere to drown? What happens when our thoughts become so muddled that we can’t find any thoughts at all?

What happens when we feel like no one is on our side. That the more we give, the more people want. The less they are satisfied. The more we try yet the more we are rebuffed.  The further away we seem to become from where we thought we would be.

What happens when we start to question everything and accept nothing? What happens then? How do we find the light again? The excitement? How do we stop ourselves from beating our heads up against the wall? And more importantly why do we keep doing the same things over and over again? Like finding the same wall to beat our heads on rather than dealing with what we need to deal with.

So many thoughts rushing through my brain. So many things I do not understand. So many people I do not understand why they are in my space. Thinking so much that I cleared my mind by letting go and meditating, asking for strength and guidance. Allowing myself the chance to hear. To really listen to the answers from deep within – from that well of all knowingness that we all carry and I knew without a doubt that when we have more questions than answers, more fears than truth, more unknowns than knowns, we are being asked to stop, to contemplate, to go to that place of silence. And really listen. Take ourselves away from the distractions that sometimes we put in front of us. The obstacles we create in our minds and do as my friend Shari posted yesterday, find a beautiful place in nature, like Par La Ville Park, and walk through it. Observing the presence of renewal. Listening to life happening all around us. Opening our eyes again to all that matters while letting go of all that does not.

When we are feeling like we are alone and there is no more to give, then perhaps life is telling us there is no more give and it is time to stop worrying about what we want in return. Time to cast aside expectations and just be who we are and what we are regardless of how others may treat us in return. Perhaps what life is telling us is that we need to appreciate who we are and what we have been given. By doing so, we can appreciate others for who they are whether they appeal to us or not because they are not us.

Perhaps life is telling us to stop looking for the things that are not going right in our lives and to instead focus on the things that are. To give thanks and praise for them because regardless of what does not feel right, there is always something in our lives that does. We always have beauty in our lives. Always have abundance in our lives. Always have joy in our lives but for some reason we do not feel worthy of the beauty, of the joy and of the abundance.  Or we feel that these moments are fleeting and so we are constantly waiting for them to turn on us rather than enjoying their company. Never being present in the moment. Thereby missing the joy, the love, the peace, the abundance in our lives.

Remembering always we are whatever we bring into the room. We create the calm as much as we create the chaos by the energy we project.  And it is often in that twilight zone of not knowing that change is on its way and we are being tested to see what we really want. The confusion, the doubt, the fear are sent to ask us which way we want to go and until we decide we will remain in that twilight zone shuffling backward and forward between the light and the dark. Until we accept true success comes from feeling worthy enough to move toward the light letting go of the dark. By remembering and accepting that we are responsible for the lives we want to lead. The choices we make. The energy we bring into the room.

Lesson from less than perfect conditions

I am without the Internet this morning and went to bed last night without it as well. Thinking it was the Universe's way of getting me away from my Scandal and Olitz obsession, I accepted my fate, shut down my computer and went to bed. Albeit I tossed and turned because my addiction had not been satisfied. Still, I closed my eyes and dreamed it was Thursday night and I was watching the return of my addiction Scandal allowing myself to fall into a deep sleep, dreaming of Olitz being reunited.
Waking up this morning anxious to turn on my computer  to see whatever other teases the Scandal cast and crew are throwing out there only to find my Internet is still down.  My anxiety barometer went through the roof instantly as I start to experience true withdrawal symptoms. Shaky hands. Beads of sweat on my brow. Panicking about how I will possibly satisfy my need to see something about Scandal first and then about how I will write and post my blog. Oh and meditate to quell my racing and stressed mind.
And then like Eureka hits me reminding me I have these horrible small devices where typing is a nightmare and the screen is too small for us over 50 crowd but they at least provide me with a way to feed my addiction. I meditate first to calm myself to allow me the patience to type on this screen keyboard that drives me crazy at the best of times then I watch 1 Olitz YouTube before I begin this arduous task of typing on this little screen wishing I was born onto this era like my children do I would have had no problem using this method. Shrugging my shoulders and accepting my fate. Resigning myself to writing my blog in less than perfect conditions all while realizing the lesson I am being taught, particularly because my typing is not keeping up with my thoughts.
When we really want something there is nothing that can stop us from getting it except for us. Also if we always wait for the perfect conditions, we may lose out on the opportunity for us to experience the lesson we are being asked to learn.
So this morning I got to do all the things I wanted to do not necessarily in the way I wanted to do them but I did and you know what I feel rather pleased with myself that I did. Less than perfect but missions accomplished nonetheless.
Providing me with the ever so true saying, "where there is the will, there is the way". Namaste