2012 The Dawn of a New Me

I woke up very late this morning after a wonderful night out at our friend’s house. Children were at one side of the house and the adults at the other. But when midnight came families came together to wish each other the best and stood in clusters watching the fireworks over the harbour. By that time none of us was a stranger to the other. We had all dropped the veils and wished each other well. And the mood at that house certainly spoke of family and togetherness. Looking from family to family I marvelled at the diversity of people and expectations we all have as individual and as individual families but at the base of all of our existence is the desire to love and be loved.

When I opened my eyes, the sun was already streaming through my windows and I realised with chagrin that I had missed the dawning of the first light of 2012. Unlike the year before when I felt troubled, this year I felt a sense of acceptance for where I am mixed with a sense of fear of the unknown. A sense of knowing it’s time to move to the next chapter of my life. The sense that I am able to embrace the change that is coming my way – knowing that sometimes it will bring me to my knees.

Last night everyone wished each other a Happy New Year and all the best. And there was an incident that really touched my heart and it was when my son suddenly appeared at my side in all his awkwardness and was willing to let go of the fact that it is not cool to hug his mother in public anymore. He looked up at me and said, “Oh, um, Happy New Year. I love you.” Then he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me looking up at me the whole time. At first I was completely knocked off guard by his actions but when I looked into his eyes, I knew it was a big step forward for him. For an instant, I felt like it was he and I against the world.  I hugged him tightly, blinking back the tears and wished him well too.

My husband and I hugged each other and it has been a really tough year for us as a couple but the hug was genuine and heartfelt and it solidified that this year is going to be a year of cementing relationships. Of moving deeper into the next phase of our marriage. Of trying to be there for each other.

My daughter stood solidly between us hugging us both. I felt that my family was going to be okay. A bit bruised from the year but that much stronger because of it. I looked up at the starry night and whispered thank you to the Universe for getting us this far.

As I lay in bed reflecting on the happenings of the night before and thinking about having missed the light coming into the New Year, I realised it was because I didn’t have to see the darkness turning into the light because after the events of 2011 I know out of the darkness emerges the most radiant light when the time is right. I know I needed to just lie in bed with my daughter snuggled tightly in my arms. I know I needed to watch the light flicker with the darkness, the clear skies with the clouds, the stillness of the air with the down pouring of the rain to know that this year will be filled with constant change sometimes within the blink of an eye but if I continue to listen to my inner compass, my inner voice I will be okay no matter what.

Here’s to a new me for 2012 and to a new you as well. Ready for the challenge. Ready to ride the wave. Ready to move to that next level of higher consciousness. Bring it on 2012 I am ready, willing and more than able to remain in your flow.

2011 New Beginnings

I woke up this morning realising this is the last day of 2011. Wow was my first thought. Where has the year gone? Then I lay silently and as still as I could; letting thoughts stream uninterrupted and unfiltered through my mind. I closed my eyes and let the feelings of those thoughts wash over my body. I opened my eyes and silently gave thanks for the wonders, the trials, and the tribulations of 2011.

The number 11 spiritually means new beginnings. And with every beginning there is an ending. 2011 was certainly a year of many endings and beginnings for me. I remember waking from a troubled sleep at The Fairmont Southampton Princess on New Year’s Day and feeling compelled to creep out of bed to go to the sliding glass doors.  I remember opening the doors inhaling the fresh air and looking out over the dark sky and ocean; allowing the darkness to seep into my being. I remember turning to look back into the room and watching my husband in one bed and my son and daughter in the other sleeping soundly. I remember feeling a sense of peace.

I remember then turning back to the outdoors and watching in awe as the brilliant red sun slowly rose over the horizon almost like it was being born from the ocean. The redness of the sun and the stillness of the ocean were mesmerising. I remember a feeling of change washing over me as a chill ran through me letting me know I was going to go through the majority of the year on my own having to face my own demons. I remember a voice saying to me that I would have to rely on me and no one else to get me through the year. I remember feeling very alone and somewhat afraid. I remember wanting to turn away from the feeling and at the same time wanting to stay with the feeling to truly experience it. I remember a silent tear trickling down my face as a sadness crept into my being but I did not understand why. I let the tear fall and let the weight of the message sink into my being.

 I remember the fear giving way to acceptance as the full sun looking like the red yolk of an egg rose majestically out of the ocean casting its red light across the flat sea shimmering, swirling without a cloud in the sky. I remember seeing the mirror image of the red sun on the ocean and being fascinated by the duality of the image.  I remember feeling like no matter what the year brought I would handle it.  

As I turned away from the outdoors, the brilliant red sun was quickly obscured by dark clouds. The light swallowed up by the dark as heavy clouds rolled in out of nowhere. I remember thinking how quickly everything changes. I remember shaking off the premonition I had experienced thinking I was being paranoid. Now when I look back at the beginning of 2011 I know I was being sent a message to take care of me first then everything around me would fall into place. And I realise now how important it is to listen to that voice inside because when we do it never leads us astray.

2011 began with a red sun rising over the horizon with me standing on my own. It is ending with me ready to embrace whatever change comes my way because I have survived and risen above much more than I ever dreamed would happen to me in one year – the loss of a job, the loss of myself for quite some time, the loss of income, the loss of friends, the loss of work colleagues, the loss of plans, the loss of so much more than I can ever articulate here. Yet I gained much more than I lost. I gained a new sense of self, a renewed sense of faith, hope and empathy, a deeper understanding of human nature, the power of forgiveness, a renewed desire to write, the gift of spending time with my family, and the gift of journeying back to me.

And what’s even more wonderful is I am still standing but now much wiser, much more grateful and much more resilient because I know I am that I am and I am exactly where I am meant to be.  And it is with gratitude, love and light that I bid 2011 adieu for it helped to shape me into who I am today.

The Duality of our existence is reflected in those who enter our lives

“In life you will meet two kinds of people, ones who will hold you up and one who will tear you down. In the end you will thank them both.” Toure.

I read this quote yesterday and it really made my heart sing. Sometimes we are so down and out on our luck that we forget that everyone comes into our lives for a reason. Even those people we come to despise. But as time moves on, we realise the people that caused us the most pain taught us something invaluable about ourselves and about life.

The people we despise are actually our greatest teachers and this is why we feel so much passion towards them.  Though they are hurting us and in some cases tearing us apart they are teaching us to dig deep to understand what we will and will not tolerate. What we want and do not want. How we want to be treated and not treated. How we can learn empathy rather than sympathy. How much more we have to learn about ourselves. These people challenge us to almost a breaking point sometimes and when they do, know they are our deepest darkest shadows asking us to address whatever it is we are trying to suppress from the world and more importantly from ourselves.

The people who are in our lives to build us up are the easiest people we encounter because they are there for us no matter what and they provide the crutch we need when we are facing our shadow selves. Those of us who are fortunate enough to have these angels in our lives have so much to be grateful for because these people stand by us without judgement and without regret. They stand by us offering us glimmers into our light side to remind us the darkness shall soon pass.

Those who are against us are mirrors to our shadow selves. Those who build us up are mirrors to our light selves. Both are necessary to provide us with the balance and growth we need to become who we are meant to be. Embrace both of these people because they are here to help us to become our authentic selves.  Hard to do sometimes but necessary for our growth.

Ben Breedlove - A Love story about life and death

Last night I came across the story about a courageous young man called Ben Breedlove. He died on Christmas Day after opening presents with his family. He was only 18 years old. But what touched me more than anything is how Ben lived the breadth of his life rather than just the length of it.

He had a show on YouTube called Breedlove TV where he gave girls advice on how to date guys and he was a vivacious and spunky young man. So sure of himself.  So sure of his life. He had a serious heart condition that tried to take him three times before it finally did on Christmas Day. Though sometimes he feared for his life, at no point did he become a victim to his condition.  After the second and third time he cheated death, he accepted his fate without knowing he had but continued to live out his life as he was supposed to do.

Ben died suddenly but not unexpectedly on Christmas Day but not before leaving behind the greatest gift any parent could ever want in the face of their child’s death. He left behind two videos showing he was ready to move to the next phase of his journey.  The videos showed a story of love, acceptance and a knowingness that all of us have about how and when we are going to die. Ben’s videos show that he had overcome our human fear of the unknown by being willing to move on to the greatest unknown for us all –  death and what happens after we die?

Ben produced a wordless video where he shows a snapshot of his life on index cards. Though he doesn’t speak, his written words and facial expressions say it all. I cried when I watched it for the first time because I could not believe the maturity of this boy who looked so full of life but yet was so willing to accept he was going to die. I watched it again so I could really look at Ben and this time I was filled with joy because what I saw in Ben’s eyes was the infinity of our existence. His eyes were bright, deep and full of light, love and life. There was no fear in his eyes. There was no end in his eyes. There was only life and continuity. And there was a deep feeling of faith in him. An acceptance of the peace that comes after the struggle we face here on earth.

I watched the video again for the third time this morning. This time with my son. I showed it to my son because I wanted him to see that life is for the living and that when the time comes for us to go there will be no stopping it. I wanted him to understand that he needs to live the breadth of his life because the length of it can be very short.

Ben’s last words on his index cards were that he was very proud of his life, very proud of what he had accomplished and he was only 18 years old. How many of us at our older ages can say the same about our lives? How many of us can be ready to face death with the same expectancy, acceptance and love that Ben did?

Ben Breedlove’s last message to us all I believe is to live life and be proud of who we are because none of us can cheat the greatest unknown of our lives – death - so why live in fear of it? Ben Breedlove, an apt last name because in his death he is still breeding love for us globally. RIP Ben Breedlove. May you soar with the angels in the beautiful suit you had in your last vision.

If you would like to watch Ben's moving story, I have attached the links here:

Part 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=tmlTHfVaU9o

Part 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4LSEXsvRAI&feature=related

The Journey of Here & Now

The Journey of Here & Now

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; ...

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I woke up with this prayer on my mind because I have so many moving pieces in my life right now that I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. And I went to bed last night asking the Universe to guide me to give me the strength and answers to make it through my trials. I woke up this morning with this prayer going through my mind and knew it was a message from my angels so I decided to write my blog today based on this prayer.

This is a prayer that comes to me in times of trouble and I used to have the first half of it on my desk at work because it is something I like to close my eyes and go back to when I feel that all around me is chaos and I need to remind myself to stand still and not get sucked into the chaos.  I wanted to share this prayer with you my readers because there are lots of us going through transitions, having to make major decisions and come to terms with the place we are in our lives right now. For some it is more dramatic and traumatic than others but change is always a challenge and always frightening even when we think it is not.

Trying to navigate through the darkness when the light is dim or dull is tough but as this prayer says we cannot change circumstances outside our control and for those we have to be willing to let them go. However what we can change is the way we react to them and surrender to the lessons we are meant to learn, But more importantly each day we have to wake up with gratitude for another day, for all that we have and live in the present moment. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Powerful and life changing words. Life was never meant to be a struggle. It only becomes a struggle when we allow ourselves to believe we have the power to change circumstance and people outside of ourselves and we live in fear of the unknown rather than focusing on the present.  A wonderful reminder to us all. May you find the serenity in your lives.

PS for those of you offended by the word God, substitute whomever or whatever you believe is your Divine for the prayer to resonate with you.

Sometimes we just have to wait

Sometimes I want to sit so still so no one notices I am there. Sometimes I want to be as quiet as a mouse so I can hear what the universe is whispering to me. Sometimes I wish I could be everything to everyone to make everyone happy even though I know I can’t make anyone else happy but me.

Sometimes I wish I was a magician and could wave my magic wand and bring peace everywhere because sometimes it’s so hard to get people to see the abundance they have right in front of their faces because they are so busy looking for Neverland and the Sugar Plum Fairy.

Sometimes I wish I would not get angry with people who get angry with me. I wish I could remain as calm as I know I should when their attacks and comments start tearing at my heart because I know they are speaking about themselves and not about me. But what I know is that I am human, flawed and with my own scars and sometimes when I am attacked, I attack back. It is those times that I wish I could turn back the hands of time and rewrite what has happened but I can’t because I am human and I do not have a magic wand and I cannot be everything to everyone and I cannot make everyone happy.

I get disappointed sometimes with the place I find myself in and wonder what I did to get there and try to figure a way out of it so the disappointment does not wear me down. It is these time that I repeat to myself over and over again, “I know I am never a victim, I am here to learn particularly when everything and everyone is testing me. “

With this mantra with me,  I look the obstacle in its face and try my hardest to send it love and light and more importantly to give myself love and light so I can feel strong again. And when I can’t change the obstacle because the obstacle is not ready to change, I choose to say nothing, to do nothing but just surrender to whatever it is and wait, have patience to know that the obstacle is there to teach me something and in time it will reveal itself. I tell myself I can’t let it keep pulling me down because then the lesson will take longer for me to learn. Sometimes, I have to know to let it go and trust that everything is being worked out for my highest and best good.  I tell myself I have to surrender and let it go in my own imperfect human way. And wait.