On those days when we don't know

On those days when we don’t know

Where to begin

Where to turn

Where to start

Who to start with

What to do

What to start with

When to start

When to stop

When to go

When we are stuck

Spinning round and round

That’s when we are being asked to trust

Have faith

Believe

We are where we are meant to be

Even in the stuck state we are in

Perhaps we are being held

There where we are

To stop us from moving into something

Not meant for us

Perhaps we are being held for our greater good

And the greater good of those with us

To keep us there

To force us to ask

Who am I

What do I want

Am I jumping because I am afraid to stay still

Am I afraid of the voice that is telling me

Talking me through

This place of darkness

This place where I feel I can’t breathe

This place that feels like it is sucking me in

The question then becomes

Why do we feel so stuck

Why do we feel like we can’t breathe

Why does it feel like every step I take

Or don’t take

Takes me backwards

Drags me

Further into the darkness

Further away from the light

Sucking me back

Pulling me down

Dragging me down

And down

Forcing me to question who am I

What do I want

Everyone else is moving

Everyone but me

Why me

I question over and over again

Help me to find what it is

I asked to come here for

Help me to see the light

In this cold dark place

Help me to understand the people

I am stuck with

The people that don’t seem to want to move either

Help me to understand

Why we are all pulling each other down

Instead of helping each other up

What is this place

This place of waiting

This place of standing still

This place where there is no movement

Where the air is still and stale

Taking my breath away

My will away

Question after question

Comes into my head

Filling me with gloom

A dank and dark gloom

That snuffs out the light

Until I really stop trying

Until I let go

Giving me space to go to the window

The window where I see the moon

Pushing through the dark clouds

On an otherwise dark night

With each gust of wind

A dark cloud is moved from the moon

Allowing its light to shine through

The light that is always there

But obscured sometimes by dark clouds

Allowing me to see

And understand the allegory

Right before my eyes

Allowing me to go to the place of no noise

To go to the place of silence

The place of my inner voice

The place where the Divine resides

And I listen

Really listen

To the voice

That tells me

I am being held in this dark place

Because I refuse to hear

Refuse to let go

Refuse to want to surrender

To the all knowing

That is holding me here

To save me from a fate that is not mine

To build me for the fate that is mine

To allow me to know

There is no right or wrong

Black or white

Everything resides somewhere in between

And sometimes I will be left in the wilderness

In the darkness

In the waiting place

So I can grow

Into the person I asked to come here to be

Because there is always light

Even on our darkest days

Sometimes it is just obscured by our vision

Our own darkened vision

By the dark clouds that come

To help us to remember

That even the darkness is temporary

The light is always there

Always waiting for us

To remember our power

Our power within

That guides us and sometimes

Hold us

Until we are strong enough

To stand in our own light

To be our own light

Because even on those days 

When we don't know

We think we don't know

We convince ourselves we don't know

We always know

Always know

Who are we to condemn?

Each one of us has

A cross to bear

An ax to grind

A story to tell

A life to lead

A lesson or two to be learned

So who are we to judge

Who are we to blame

Who are we to shame

When

There is no need to judge

No need to condemn

No need to think we are better than them

For each one of us has

A story to tell

Lessons to be learned

Lives to be lived

Axes to grind

Crosses to bear

Each one of us

Is walking through this life

This journey

Round dark corners

Navigating sharp bends

Uncharted courses

Because we asked

Asked to come here

To be vulnerable

Lost

Afraid

So that we could learn

To love

To live

Compassionately

Honestly

Totally and fully

Each one us came

Asked to come here

To this place

Of mistakes

Of hardships

Of sharp and unexpected turns

Detours in the road

Uncharted courses

To learn who we are

To learn how we are

To understand what we are

But when we condemn

When we judge

When we blame

And shame

We hinder our growth

Hinder our lives

Stunt ourselves

Such that we become trapped

Like the hamster on its wheel

Spinning round and round

Out of breath

Going nowhere fast

As those we condemn

Those we judge

Keep moving onwards and upwards

Each one of us has a story to tell

A life to live

Mistakes to be overcome

Lessons to be learned

Crosses to bear

Axes to grind

Because we are imperfect

Imperfect

Human beings

Childlike in our nature

As we navigate through this story

This path

This journey

That no one knows

Except for us

Intimate us

Deep down in our hearts

When we judge

When we condemn

When we blame

The only one who loses

Is us

And no one else

Because in order to condemn

In order to judge

In order to blame and shame

We find the need

Within ourselves

To deflect from our own truth

Our own guilt

Which causes us

To resonate with the energy

Of the person

Of the thing

We want to condemn

The thing we want to judge

Blame and shame

Because deep down

We are ashamed of

Who we are

What we are

Why we are

Each one of us has

A cross to bear

An ax to grind

A story to tell

A life to lead

A lesson or two to be learned

So who are we to judge

Who are we to blame

Who are we to shame

Because

The only one who loses

Is us

I am you as you are me

When I write words that resonate with others and then they let me know, something wonderful happens inside of me. Something opens up. Something awakens. Allowing me to truly and honestly feel the Universal connection. The thread that connects us all. The connection that allows me to understand that what one does affects us all.

That nothing we do is in isolation. No, everything we do has a ripple effect on the quality of our being, our Universal being. Because what I understand more than anything is that writing allows me to connect to a force that is unseen but ever present. A force that allows me, allows us, to tap into the thread that weaves from one to another. That thread that binds us together but remains invisible such that we think we are alone when in fact we are never alone.

Yesterday my heart was so full and is still today because of all the feedback I got from my blog. I wrote my blog not even thinking it would have such an impact. So needless to say, I was surprised by the reaction I got.  At first I was slightly overwhelmed by the response of it until I read it again and read the comments again and knew that it was not just written by me. It was written by all of us. For all of us.

The beauty of being a writer is that often I feel the emotions and words that linger but are unspoken. And I am finding the more, I trust my gut, my instincts, the more I am able to channel those thoughts and feelings into words. Words that come through me rather than from me. Words that magically weave themselves together without me having to think too much or do too much except let the gift I have tapped into within me to flow without interruption or interpretation.

So thank you to all those who gave me feedback yesterday. To those who felt the connection without realizing there was a connection. I am so grateful for you and for this gift of writing that I have because it is teaching me with every word that I write I am connected to you as you are to me. And in realizing this, I am more compassionate to your feelings because I know ultimately they are my feelings as well.

Through writing, I am learning to not take everything at face value.  To allow the feelings and thoughts that often remain unspoken guide me more than the words that are. To surrender to the vulnerabilities I feel every single time I release a blog and accept that I am writing as much for me as I am for all of us. To accept there is no need to be concerned or worried about whether my writing is accepted or rejected. But rather to keep writing while the writing is willing to come naturally.

Thank you for letting me know that I am helping not just me but many of us when I write. Thank you for helping me to become more compassionate and to accept my vulnerability as the gateway to the Eternal Source, the thread that weaves us all together. Because with accepting this gift, this gift bestowed upon me to write, I know more than ever that I am you as you are me. Namaste

The greatest compliment for a motherless daughter to receive

Last night my husband gave me the greatest compliment. Our daughter is still away and it is the longest she has ever been away from us so I have been doing little things to let her know that she is loved and missed in our home. I have been sending her letters, postcards and little care packages so she will know we are thinking of her. Particularly because in the first week, we were not allowed to contact her because the camp prefers to let the children get used to their routines. The camp also says the first week is the hardest week for the children because they are away from home and have to establish themselves in their new environment.

So the first week was particularly difficult for me as a mother because I had no way of knowing whether my daughter was okay. Although I was somewhat comforted by my instinct, my gut telling me because she was in an environment she had chosen as well as loves, I felt she was doing well. Even still I needed to feel I was doing something to contact her without hearing her voice by sending her things to open from us.

But coming back to the compliment from my husband - last night my husband asked me what the stamp was for on my desk and I told him it was for the postcards and letters I had been sending to our daughter. He looked at time for a long time in silence with a tender look on his face, then he said, “You are a really good mother.”

I can still feel the joy that coursed through my body and the tears that welled in my eyes as if he is speaking those words to me right now. For a moment I could not respond. Did not respond because I was embarrassed, elated and surprised at the same time to hear him speak those words with such sincerity. And because I was taken aback, I changed the subject until I was ready to come back to his compliment.

A few minutes passed and then I said, “Thank you for saying I am a good mother.” And still needing more to process what he had said, I then asked, “Do you really think I am a good mother?”

To which he responded with all sincerity, “Yes, you are a very good mother. I wish I had a mother like you.”

I was completely blown away then. To hear my husband say, I wish I had a mother like you is a huge compliment because my husband calls his mother every single Sunday and they chat for hours. A relationship I wish I could have with my mother. Considering how he feels about his mother, to hear him say he wished he had a mother like me is the greatest gift a motherless daughter like me could ever hear. It was like music to my ears.
“It’s because I didn’t have a mother from the age of 13 and I want our children to know they are loved always and thought of always just in case something happens to me,” I answered. Tears stinging at my eyes.

As I thought about our conversation, I realised each one of us is living out the childhood hurts and pains we experienced as children when we become adults. Even more so when we become parents. I know it is true for me. Because I went so many years without any real parental support – no one to show up at parent meetings. No one to send me gifts of any kind when I achieved anything or when I was lonely or sad. So I have been making up for the feelings of neglect I felt by not letting my children ever experience those feelings.

I also know that life can change in an instant and I want them to know to not take showing their love and appreciation for granted. To express it as much as they can by me expressing it to them.  And I see it it in them by the way they express their love back to us and to each other.

When we had the opportunity to speak to our daughter for the first time on Sunday night, she told me she loved me then she wanted to speak to her big brother to hear his voice and to tell him she loved him. Then her papa. When I think of the warmth we share as a family unit, I am glad I chose to become a mother even though I was terrified that I would leave them too early as my mother left me when she died. But now even if something was to happen to me tomorrow, I would feel comfort in my heart to know I loved my children as much as I could and even more than I ever thought I could love anyone.

There is no greater love than a mother’s love and I know this expression to be so true now that I am a mother. So grateful to my husband for recognizing and speaking out loud that he thinks I am a good mother because that is the greatest compliment this motherless daughter could ever receive.

This is a photo of the last time I saw my daughter's face over a week ago now. Missing her beautiful face and smile.

Human are more interested in having than they are in being...

For reasons unknown at the time I was drawn to the movie Lucy. I felt like it was calling my name so I called my son to see if he wanted to see the movie and more importantly to know if he wanted to see the movie with me, his mother. Then I thought I better ask my husband and his papa as well if he wanted to go. But before I did, I asked my 15 year old if he wanted to go to the movie with not just me but his papa as well - both parents. To which he responded of course. He really wanted to see the movie and didn't mind seeing it with us.
For those who have not seen the movie do not read any further because this is a spoiler alert okay. But if you don't care, continue reading. I was drawn to the movie because of an interesting article in the Huffington Post, Lucy: Why I'm Tired of Seeing White People on the Big Screen, written by Olivia Cole, a white journalist in the US, complaining about the lack of starring roles, other than atypical roles, for minorities in films. She wrote how  upset she was that the woman portraying Lucy, Scarlett Johansson, in the movie is a white blonde woman with blue eyes and the antagonists were Chinese men.
You see Lucy is believed to be the first woman on Earth. Her remains were unearthed recently, blowing away the theories of  from whence we came and from where we came. Based on her remains, Lucy is far from being a white woman with blue eyes.Immediately I was intrigued.
However the article worked for me because the movie was not even on my radar screen until I read her article. Even though this story was meant to lead my thoughts down one path, they led me down another path. I was intrigued more about the premise behind the movie. The concept behind her words, the concept of Lucy being the the future of the first woman in the world caught my attention more than the racial message she was trying to convey because it struck a chord in me.
My son did a school project a few years back on the missing link between primitive men and the human race as we know it today. He came up with an interesting theory about the mystery behind how we could have gone from four-legged creatures with limited intelligence to standing up on two legs and using a greater percentage of our brains in a very short time frame. It was this connection that struck a chord with me and hence the reason why I knew my son would be interested.
I knew my husband would be interested because his project had raised questions for us as a family. Raised questions about how we could have gone from four-legged creatures to upright in the blink of an eye. Of course this theory will not resonate with Creationists as it is based on the Evolution theory. I am open to all theories because I believe there is some truth in everything. So we went with eyes wide open to the fact that Lucy was now a white woman with blue eyes but were more interested in the story than the stereotypical typecasting.
I had no idea the movie would be so violent, gruesome even in some parts and somewhat cliche-ish with some of the past scenes which were shown. I was also a bit disappointed that the movie had to have the violence in it to draw a wider audience to it because I do not believe those who love violence will get the message of the movie. And those who are more spiritual may miss the movie because of its violence.
Even with all of those negatives, there was enough positive in the movie that left my husband, son and me breathless at the end. Quiet even as we reflected on the message the movie was conveying. The fact that we are so caught up in gaining, in achieving that we forget to just be. That by just 'being', we open ourselves to the greater awareness that is us. The awareness that gives us glimpses into who we are and why we are and why we are where we are.
Even more stirring to me was when Lucy said, "humans are more interested in having than they are in being", I knew I had been led to this movie by a power greater than me. A connective power who wanted to reinforce a conversation I had had with my spirit mother just that morning where she challenged me to figure out what life experience I really wanted - to have or to be. Obviously I did not hear her loud enough until Lucy spoke these words again for me to hear. Repeated them loud and clear. Sending chills down my spine.
The movie explores the possibility that without time, there would be no us. That we are all matter and are interrelated as well as interconnected in ways that without the structure of time and dimension we could not exist. Taking away our human skin and limitations imposed on us, we all make up the physical world that we live in by the vibration of our being. Strip that away as happens when we die and we blend back into the everything that appears to be the nothingness to our limited human eye.
The movie begins with Lucy's haunting voice saying, "Life was given to us a billion years ago. What have we done with it?" It depicts the beginning of our time with primitive Lucy touching the water. It ends with future Lucy going back in time to meet her predecessor before going back to the everything and then she seemingly disappears before our eyes. However when asked where she is, she lets her presence be known through a cell phone by allowing the words, "I am everywhere," to be seen. Before going into the ether, she also stated we never die, we just go back to being a part of the everything that is us.
When I left the movie, I knew why so many reacted in such hateful ways because it is a movie that challenges us to think, to really think. It does not spell out its meaning. It does not lecture us and it does not reach an in your face conclusion as we have become so accustomed to seeing. Instead it is a movie that allows us to reach our own conclusions about what the movie means to each one of us. I loved Lucy. Could have done without the violence but it was definitely an intellectually stimulating and philosophical science fiction thriller that will remain with me for some time.

<em>Lucy</em>: Why I'm Tired of Seeing White People on the Big Screen | Olivia Cole

There is no greater feeling than the act and art of love

Love is one of those emotions. Those feelings that we have no control over. That we cannot contain. It sneaks in when we least expect it causing us to feel such pain. A pain that is both sweet and sour. Bitter yet satisfying.
It is a feeling that remains even when all is is gone but can only come when we open our hearts to it and allow it to be what it is meant to be. Love, I believe is the feeling that allows us to know we are alive and explains why we are here on this planet. Why we came.
Without love, there would be no future. No tomorrow. Because it is in the throes of love that we create, procreate and continue on by bringing forth the next generation who will continue to carry forth the torch of love to the next generation to come after them.
I am feeling the pain of love right now because my family is in different places right now. My daughter away for a great length of time at a camp trying to discover her passion. My husband and son at home together. Me away at a gathering I had to explore because it had crept into my veins and would not leave. All of us in different places, exploring our different interests. And my heart is yearning for us to be back together again. To be in the same place, the place we sometimes take for granted when we are all together.
Even though my heart is full of love for my family, at the same time it is breaking because we are not all in the same place. The dichotomy of love filling me with both joy and pain, happiness and sadness as a tear forms in the corner of my eye. The yearning for the physical presence of love while the spiritual presence of love rushes to fill the void.
There is no greater feeling than love. No greater comfort than love. No other emotion or presence that makes us know we are alive. No other feeling that allows us to know we matter than the feeling of love. Real love not forced or pretend love. Even though those types of love still evoke feelings that cannot be made up or conjured up. They come from the broken part of who we are.
Love is the most powerful emotion and feeling we will ever know because it comes from the place we cannot hide even when we think we can. Love comes from that place of vulnerability that resides within us all. That place that asks us to explore who we are and why we are here. That place that forces us back to our inner child - to the one who needs to know and experience love.
Love allows us glimpses into eternity, infinity because it takes us back to where we came from. Allows us to tap into the infinite power that is us - the infinite power of love. Without love, there could be no us.
My heart is aching for my family to all be in the same place again where we end each day by hugging each other and telling each other we love each other before going off into our dreamworlds. Where we wake in the morning from our seperate nightworlds to be rejoined as a family. But yet my heart is so full of joy because I know love, the comfort of love, the roller coaster of love through the love of my family. Allowing me to open my heart to those I encounter because I am secure in my love, the love in my life.
And what I also know is in order to love anyone, I had to learn to love me first. In order to give love, I had to know love for me first. And when I look into the eyes of those who know me on all levels - my husband, my son and my daughter - and see the love I have for them reflected back to me from their eyes, I am so grateful for love. So grateful for them. So grateful because through knowing love, I know I am alive and well.
Love is what keeps us, sustains us because it allows us to be who we are where we are with gratitude. There is no greater emotion, no greater feeling than the act and art of love.
So looking forward to being reunited with my family again but for now I hold in my aching heart the spiritual love I carry with me at all times - the love that asks no questions and makes no demands. The spiritual love that just is. Love - so glad I opened my vulnerable self to allow you in even when you cause me to ache because I know in order to ache I had to know you and receive you.
Love - there is no greater power. No greater pain than the power of love. Love. .Namaste

Be mindful of the energy we bring into the room

Yesterday I flew to LA and enroute from NYC to LA, a lady boarded the airplane with her two babies. The oldest, a boy, looked like he was about 2 and the youngest, a girl, looked like she was about a year old. From the moment she boarded the airplane with her wild eyes and nervous energy, I knew it was going to be a long flight for her, the children and the people sitting the closest to her. She exuded angst and vulnerability at the same time. So there was something alluring about her. Something that made me want to help her. To calm her down.
As I was boarding the airplane, I was behind a woman who was sitting in the aisle seat of the lady with the children and she was asked by the ground agent if she minded switching her aisle seat for a window seat because there was a family that was going to be separated and she was trying to put them together. The woman answered matter of factly that she was not willing to give up her seat. The ground agent replied that she was only trying to give her the option of not being sat next to young children. To which the lady rather rudely replied that she would rather not be stuck by the window. She said she needed to walk around so she would take sitting next to young children over being confined by a window.
For some reason I was meant to hear that conversation as I watched the lady who refused to give up her aisle seat for a family walked purposefully down to board the airplane. I was struck by her selfish response but at the same time it was her right to want to sit where she wanted. All the while thinking she must not be a mother because if given that choice, I would have given up my seat but I am not her so I told myself I had no right to judge her decision.
As the plane boarded in came the nervous mother and her children. She was with an older lady who may have been her mother but I'm not sure. She carried the baby girl in a pouch on her front and held the hand of her son as they got to their seats. She started bargaining with the people separating her family to see if anyone would be willing to help her to get her family together. Not one of them would. I could not believe it. But as I said I have no right to judge because people do what they feel is right for them. I was too far away to help and only had one seat so giving up mine would not help her situation.
When the mother realised her wish was not going to be accommodated, she had somewhat of a melt down and told her mother and her young son that they just had to sit where they were assigned because no one was going to help her. Her voice teary. Her demeanor crumpled and panicked. Immediately her son picked up her anxious vibe and lost it. Crying that he wanted to sit with his mommy who was in the row behind him. She ignored him I guess because she was trying to contain herself. Trying to keep it together but from the back I could see she wanted to scream.
A lady behind her than asked her what she could do to help her but the mother had gone beyond the point of reasoning and came back with her hurt telling the woman there was nothing she could do to help her. That no one wanted to help her so her family had to sit where they were originally assigned. Her voice angry, hurt and dismissive. The flight attendants then tried to intervene but the mother was not having it. She just wanted the situation to be over because no one tried to help her from the beginning. She had resigned herself to a fate she need not have because she was not seeing that she was adding fuel to the fire. She had taken pity on herself so much, she could not hear that people were trying to help her. Her son became louder and more panicked because he could feel his mother's energy. Throwing tantrum after tantrum because he wanted his mother.
Interestingly enough the lady sitting in the aisle still refused to help. Still refused to give up her seat despite the ruckus that was happening right next to her. My heart went out to the mother and her children. Incidentally her daughter was all smiley and not in anyway affected by the pandemonium. Different personalities being exhibited by the two children. Needless to say the flight except for the last hour was an absolute disaster for the mother, her son, her mother and the people sat next to them and in the rows immediately in front of them and behind them. Because the mother had created the panic, her son would not calm down for the flight except for the last hour when she took him in her arms after he screamed for 10 minutes that he wanted her. She had zoned him out because the women nearest to her were telling her how bad of a mother she was because she was allowing her son to have tantrums, hit her and scream at her. Accusing her of having no control over her children. Their voices bordering on the brink of hysteria.  One woman even proudly declared to the defeated mother that she had three children and her children had never acted like that before because she knew how to control her children.
The defeated mother's shoulders slumped, her whole stature had become smaller as she went into almost like a fetal position and just sat there while her son screamed and shouted that he wanted her. I guess trying her hardest to block out the noise of her son and the people around her shaking their heads at her and talking about her as if she was not there. Some of them blocking their ears while the mother had zoned out.
I kept sending her energy telling her to hug her son. To ignore the people who were not helping her. To just pick up her son. Eventually she did. She snapped herself out of her funk, reached over the seat and pulled her son to her then sat down. Her hair disheveled. Her hands shaking. The son's face completely red from screaming held on to his mother like he was clinging for dear life. The two of them comforting each other in ways only a mother and child could understand. He tucked his head into the crook of his mother's neck  and then he fell asleep in her arms. And then there was silence. The energy completely shifting in that instant.
The whole situation bothered me for various reasons. Firstly because it demonstrated to me that we create our own circumstances with the energy we bring into the room. The mother bless her heart was at wits end because she could not get her family to sit together and because of that her son had picked up on it and had acted out because he felt his mother's energy. The people that scolded her and chided her added to that anxious energy rather than helping her. Rather than remaining calm, they helped to escalate the situation.The son screaming louder when he saw them yelling at his mother. He in his small mind was trying to protect his mommy from the bad people by screaming louder. All this to say we need to be aware of what we are bringing into the room in order to have the outcome we are looking for and need. We also need to be more mindful of other people's situations and rather than judging and adding to the problem, sometimes we just need to back off.
I was so surprised by the vehement way the other women were reacting to the mother who had lost it. We were all children, babies once and I'm sure as babies we were not perfect either. Wouldn't it have been easier to help rather than judge?
In that scenario everyone in the vicinity played a role in escalating a situation that could have been solved from the beginning but no one was willing to take responsibility for the energy they brought into the room. When the flight landed and the little boy was still fast asleep I could see the faces of the women who helped to fuel the fire looking at his sweet innocent face wondering how such a small tot could have caused such a ruckus. When if they took the time to dig deep they would have realized all of them had contributed to the situation that ensued over 4 hours.
Leading me to believe, next time we are in a position to help, let's do it rather than stand back and judge because we may find ourselves in a similar situation so we will learn how the distraught mother felt and her son. Life has a funny way of giving us back what we give out in ways least expected. and when we don't get the message it turns into chaos as it did yesterday on the flight from NYC to LA. My only hope is the day got better for the mother and her children.