There is always light and love

It felt so good landing in Bermuda with my son on Saturday. Walking out of customs and hearing my daughter shouting, "Mommy." To see her little face all lit up because we were all back together again. The look of joy on my husband's face. The relief on the face of my son. Hugs all around once we walked through. The downpour of rain that came as we got into Immigration had come and gone leaving its steam in its wake as we walked out of the building arm in arm. The Bermuda Duffy clan back together again - Father, Mother, Son and Daughter.
It was so lovely to see the beautiful colors in Bermuda again. To even feel the steam of the rain coming up off the hot tar. We decided to drive into St. George and have a reunion lunch so we could all catch up on what had happened over the two week period our son and brother had been gone. Driving past our old home where both my son and daughter had spent their first few years on this Earth. Our old home now the home of someone else and looking completely different from the home we shared so many firsts together. Signalling that period of our lives was over and done but the memories live on.
It was so wonderful to sit around the table looking out over the St. George Harbor from the Wahoo Restaurant. A slight breeze coming in just when we needed it to cool us from the otherwise scorching sun. Talking about the life we used to live . My husband the previous owner of the Deliverance and the tours he once led. The children proud to know his name still remains on the ship. Proud we once owned a piece of history.
Our son filling in his sister and father about the camp he had just completed. The friends he made and the experience he will never forget. And then after lunch was done, we drove home. The long drive home - all things are relative to where we live - a 25 minute drive to us is a long drive but from where my son and I came, a short drive. As we drove I looked out the window at the ocean, the flowers, the trees, the Garden of Eden I live in by the sea and felt so grateful to call Bermuda my home.
As we drove into our yard, I was taken aback by where I live. The freshly cut grass showcasing our family home. The Poinciana tree, though starting to wane a bit, still full of red flowers. The avocado trees laden with baby avocados. Our resident monarch butterfly flying over to greet us. Sally, our neighborhood cat,stretching lazily out on the soil as she glimpsed out of the corner of her eye at us as we walked part then jumped up and rubbed herself against my leg as if to say welcome home.
Later that evening we all went to the City Hall to watch our daughter model for the Evolution fashion show and again felt really proud of our children. Of our family unit. Of all the things we are exposing each other to and the things they are themselves to as well. Of how our lives have changed but yet remained the same.
All in one day I experienced so many emotions about my life. About the choices I have made. About the great man I chose to marry as my life long companion and father of my children. About being a mother to the wonderful children I have. About where I live and what I do. And the most powerful feelings that came through were total gratitude and love. Looking from my husband to my son to my daughter and up at the large full moon, I thought no matter how dark it gets, at the end of the day there is always so much to be grateful for and so much to live for. There is always light and love. There is always my family. Namaste

Falling back into step without effort - mother and son

Sometimes we are so connected with people that when we see them again after a separation, time and distance melts away and it feels as if we were never separated before. That is exactly how I felt when I saw my son again yesterday after not seeing him for two weeks. And I have to admit it was a very strange feeling. The anticipation to see him again had been so high that my expectations about what we would do when we saw each other was like something out of a romantic movie. But in actuality when we saw each other, none of that occurred. It was like we had not been separated but had always been together. We fell right back into the way we always are. Mother and son, no expectations. No wild greetings. It was like we had been together all along.
Within minutes we were bickering about where we should go. My son giving me his sarcastic remarks and I can't believe you just said that looks when I was talking with his instructors. Me laughing on the inside as I could see him cringing with some of the "stupid" questions I was asking as he later told me when we walked down the street away from the ears of others. He would never call them stupid questions outright but he certainly asked me if I really didn't know what certain terms were or if I was just asking for the sake of asking. Me having to remind him there is no such thing as a stupid question. That programming language is foreign to me even though it is something he lives and breathes.
I thoroughly enjoyed hearing his stories about the people he met. The ones that impressed him and the ones that did not. The challenges he faced and got through and the ones he struggled with. And as we walked back from the hotel through the beautiful streets of Cambridge, I realized just how much my son is growing up. Just how independent he is becoming. Just how grateful I am to have a son like my son - even with all of his sarcasm, dry sense of humour and idiosyncrasies of an adolescent male, he is a very caring soul. Always trying to see the good side in everything even if he does not show it, just the way he speaks about his experiences I can hear and feel his underlying concerns coming through.
We walked for about twenty minutes together, losing our way on several occasions as we wound through the streets trying to find our way back to the centre of Harvard Square but it gave us lots of time to chat. To just be in each other's company and a lot of time for me to reflect on motherhood and the choices I have made with my children. And I couldn't help but think of how proud I am of my son. Of how he is growing into a good young man. And that I need not worry so much about him because he is making his own way - quietly but stoically. He is not one to fuss about anything. Does not like a lot of drama in his life and certainly does not need anyone to validate him. He is comfortable in each own skin.
I also realized with certainty that our children are who they are and there is no need to try to make them anything other than who they are if we want to keep them close to us. My son said he enjoyed this programming camp because he was with people who think like him. People he could relate to and he felt really comfortable learning about all the different types of programmes that were possible to create. He enjoyed stretching his mind with people that allowed him to stretch his mind.
I also learned that when I tried to send him in another direction, he honestly told me he did not want to go that way. So I am learning to back off and not force him to do what I want him to do instead letting him steer his own way and that way he can continue to be the outside of the box thinker he is rather than the inside of the box thinker I sometimes want him to be. Knowing he is much happier being who he came here to be and is.
As we walked and I looked at my son out of the corner of my eye, I could not help feeling a great love and respect for him. Filling me with so much love that he chose me to be his mother and I chose him to be my son. With each step we took back to the hotel, time and distance melted into the ether as we fell back into the rhythm of our relationship with love and gratitude - mother and son, son and mother.
Today we make our way back home - back to my husband and daughter, his father and sister - so we can become four again. Our family back together again and we are so looking forward to us being one - united again without distance. Father, Mother, Son and Daughter - our family back together in a few hours. So grateful for the unit I chose to call my family and the unit that chose me as mother and wife for we are all growing and loving every day we are together and apart. As we differ and agree. As we experience trials and tribulations.
Such a wonderful feeling to learn and accept the difference between guiding and dictating, holding on and letting go - lessons I would never have learned had I not become a mother and a wife. So wonderful to be falling back into step without effort with my son and soon with my husband and daughter. The familiarity, love and security of family is unparalleled and so worth the trials. So worth the pain sometimes because when we come out on the other side, there is nothing like the love we experience together. The history we share. The unit we are. So grateful for my husband, my son and my daughter. So grateful for us. Namaste.

Feeling like a grown woman

You know there are some days that I am filled with so much joy that tears sting at the corners of my eyes. Not because of anything grand but because I realize just how fortunate I am to be the person I am. As it occurred yesterday for me when I realized with such truth and conviction that I do live a very good life. I am a very blessed person. And because I realized just how blessed I am, more blessings came my way all day yesterday. From the moment I opened my eyes and looked out the window at the beautiful place I call home to the time I sat in bed at The Charles Hotel in Cambridge later last night, I felt almost as if I had been sprinkled with pixie dust. I felt like everything I touched turned into gold right before my eyes.
A couple of times I wanted to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. That I was fully awake. Living my dream rather than dreaming my dream. I marvelled as we drove through picturesque Cambridge at the fact that I had woken up in the morning in my own bed in Bermuda, had been to work in Bermuda but by 4.30 Boston time I was in the back seat of a taxi in a different country having a different experience than the one I started out with just hours before.
I looked out the window as we cruised by the seemingly endless Charles River where mothers were out with their children enjoying the sunshine. Fathers pushing their children on swings. Couples walking hand in hand. Friends riding bikes along the trails. Children splashing in pools and running gleefully and without worry through fountains. Lifeguards looking lazily on. Sailboats on the river. Kayakers slicing through the water. Rowers silently but purposefully gliding along the river. People in canoes all doing their thing. Almost making my heart sing. The sights and sounds of summer all around. The desolation and frigidness of the long and brutal winter the Northeast had experienced a distant memory to this picturesque summer day. Signalling no matter what we are going through, there are always better days ahead.
I thought about how much Cambridge reminded me of England with the rivers and boating and endless trails and paths.About how I felt like I was having a surreal deja vu experience because the scenery was so reminiscent of being on the Thames. How everyone was taking full advantage of the glorious sunny weather. About how beautiful weather brings us out of our doldrums if we take the time to be out doors - to explore. To observe and be at one with nature.
I sat back in the taxi allowing the feeling of gratitude to spread from my toes all the way up to my head. Closing my eyes to allow the feeling to resonate throughout my whole being. Arriving at the hotel feeling like I was on cloud nine. The time and distance between my son and me closing with every passing moment. Knowing we were getting closer to being reunited.
I ended my glorious day sitting at the Cheesecake Factory Bar on my own having a glass of sauvignon blanc and eating tuna tartare to die for toasting myself for sitting at the bar on my own without feeling self conscious and for appreciating all aspects of my life. Toasting myself for realizing the more grateful I am for my life and for being me, the more I will have to be grateful for. The more blessed, truly blessed I feel about my life and for being me, the more blessings will flow into my life. I sat at that bar, only the second time in my life I have sat at a bar all on my own feeling like a grown woman, as Beyonce likes to say. Grown and accepting of who I am for where I am with gratitude and grace. So blessed to be me. Grown, worldly and grateful. As I said yesterday, like the butterfly who discovers she is no longer in a cocoon but now has wings and can fly. So have I and so am I no longer in a cocoon. Spreading my wings and flying. What a wonderful feeling.
In just a few hours, my son and I will be reunited.  Namaste.

Accepting my wings

Something magical and liberating is happening with me this week. Something that is allowing me to let go of things that I cannot change. Something that is making me feel lighter, brighter and more patient.

Something that is allowing me to tap into the Universal flow. Accepting that I may not know it all but I can feel what is right and wrong for me. Accepting that sometimes I may not make the best decision but I make the decisions that resonate with me at the time which ultimately makes it the right decision even if things don’t go exactly as planned. I realize they are going as they are meant to go. And it is better to make a decision than not because we are worried about how others may feel rather than how we feel.

Something is happening inside me this week that is allowing me to surrender. Surrender everything to the way it is meant to be. Not fighting anything. Not resisting anything. Just going with the flow. And in doing so I am opening myself to believe in magic, fairies and gold at the end of the rainbow. Because funny enough I know I am all of those things.

Something wonderful is happening to me such that I am reframing my thoughts. Instead of complaining about things, I am either accepting them for what they are or doing something about them. Recognizing that life is very short. That it is up to me to do what feels right for me and not necessarily what feels right for everyone else. Accepting that if I am not happy, nothing or no one around me will be either. That selfishness need not be confused with selflessness.

As I write I realize it is because I was driving down the street the other day thinking about life. My life, Marveling at the fact that I am 51 already - the reverse of my son’s 15, five times the 11 years of my daughter and realized that it is very unlikely that I have 51 years left on this Earth and I felt a tug at my heartstrings. A tug that reminded me this is my life and until I accept it is, I will always be the living the life of everyone else. Liberating me from the shackles of my own mind. My self imposed bars.

And this morning I know that realization is an acceptance on my behalf that I am who I am where I am right here, right now. That today I may feel entirely different than I did the day before and I may the day after but for now I am as I am where I am. I have to accept me and the situations I find myself in as what I asked to come here to deal with. That knowing I have less years ahead of me than I do behind me is waking me to live my life as I feel it is meant to be lived.

And that is what is happening to me right now. I am accepting my mortal, flawed and beautiful self for all I am at this present moment and I intend to enjoy every single moment while I am here. With gratitude and grace like the butterfly that has discovered her wings and that she could fly all along, so am I. So am I. Namaste

The beauty of the month of June

My Island home is at its best this month. This picturesque and wonderful month of June. Everything that can be in bloom is in bloom. With the most spectacular for me being the Poinciana tree. Having the pleasure of waking up every morning, looking out my bathroom window and being greeted by the redness and fullness of the Poinciana tree is such an awe inspiring moment. The Poinciana tree that has basically taken over the front yard.

Poinciana trees are some of my favourite trees. Not only do they have a vividness to the green with their abundant red flowers but they become like a canopy to protect us from the coming of the full summer sun. They become so full that they almost touch the ground providing ample shade for not one family but a few.

I love how they seem to go from bare to full overnight.  Like magic they are suddenly at their best. Allowing me to be completely surprised by their majesty and beauty from one day to the next. I love the month of June in Bermuda because I can see before me the abundance that exists for us all. Everything that can be in bloom is in bloom. New life sprouts from everywhere.

Butterflies come out of their cocoons. Mr. Kingpin’s, our resident toad, offspring come out from their hiding places hopping all across the yard. Delighting us with their antics as they scurry from us as we do from them. Baby birds fly across us at lightning speed as they spread their wings to independence. Flowers bloom. Grass grows faster than it can be cut. 

June is such a month of new beginnings that it fills me up as I see before me anything is possible if I set my mind to it. Particularly when I sit on my porch and take in the redness of my Poinciana tree.  Marveling at the fact that only two years ago, we had cut it right back, lobbing off its breaking branches to allow it time to breathe. To now where it is even fuller than it was before.

Letting me know sometimes we have to allow ourselves to breathe, to be cut back in order to give ourselves time to flourish. And that is the beauty of taking the time to observe nature because it has so many messages for us. So many examples of the cycle of life. So many illustrations of how though we may believe something is new, it is just a repeat of what has always been. Allowing me to accept if we are patient enough and appreciative enough, whatever ending we have experienced is setting us up for a new beginning. Giving us space to replenish ourselves to be even better than before.

So grateful for the beauty of my Poinciana tree which comes to full life during the month of June and then begins to bow out for others to have their turn. A lesson for me. Every one of us has a turn to shine then fade away until the next time when we are patient enough and grateful enough as I am today. Namaste.

Teach the magic is inside of us

Teach her the magic is inside of her

Not outside of her

Not out there

How much time do we waste

Looking for the magic

When the magic is within us

We are the magicians

The dream makers

The fairies

The creators

No one outside of us can do it for us

But us

Only us

Teach her the magic is inside of her

Not outside of her

Not out there

And see what she will create

Can create

Knows to create

Not everyone is here to work for someone else

Some are here to create their own way

Our own way

And the only way we can is to know

The magic is inside of us

Not outside of us

Not out there

There is no one outside of us

That can live our lives

Know our lives as intimately

As we do

No one outside of us that can read our every thought

Know our every fear

There is no one outside of us that can take us through the darkness

But us

Only us

Teach him the magic is inside of him

Not outside of him

Not out there

And see what man he goes on to become

Not waiting for someone to open a door

Opening the door for himself

Paving the way for his tomorrow

Knowing it is his present

Teach her the magic is inside of her

Not outside of her

Not out there

And see what woman she goes on to become

Breaking down invisible barriers

Because she does not allow them to keep her boxed in

She believes she is the magic

He believes he is the magic

We believe we are the magic

And see what we all create together

One by one

Because we know the magic is inside of us

Not outside of us

Not out there

And we hold the key to the life we want to lead

No one else but us

Teach our children the magic is inside of them

Not outside of them

Not out there

Then allow them to create the magic

Be the magic

They chose to come here

To create

To become

And like magic

They will create magic

Because they know they are

The magic

As are we all

The magic

Thank you Denise for posting that beautiful message that resonated so deeply with me I penned these thoughts. Believe in the magic – the magic we all carry inside of us, not outside of us. Not out there.  Namaste

All of us have a place in this world

All of us have a place in this world

All of us come from the One Source

There is no need to distinguish from the other

No need to separate us

Because she comes from one part of the world

And he from this part of the world

Regardless of where our ancestors may have come from

We are still one

And when we meet again

In a new part of the World

We are meeting again 

As if we were from the same part of the world

When cultures start to change

When people from different parts of the world begin to mix

In ways not thought of before

Or even possible before

It is because the time has come

For us to remember

We are one

To remember

We were all one in the beginning

Until we started to separate and put up barriers

So we would forget we came from one

So we could hide that we were once one

Ashamed of where we first came from

Brainwashed to believe it was beneath us

As we took on new skin

New identities

New ideals and thoughts

But life has a way

Of bringing what was hidden to the forefront

To ask us to confront our own insecurities

To set aside our fear of our commonalities

That exist beneath our physical differences

That we created

To mask who we truly are

To bring to the fore our anger of being rejected long ago

That has been handed down by our ancestors

And told to us by lore

The world we live in is a changing place

Boundaries that once were are no more

The Internet, Facebook, Linked In and others are breaking them down

Faster than sometimes we are ready

For the boundaries to come down

And as a result we lash out

And try to destroy

The truth from coming to the light

But there is no stopping

No stopping that which is meant to be

The day when we become one again

As we were when we first came

Because all of us have a place

A place in this world

This world that is becoming one again

One nation at a time

One culture at a time

One heart at a time

Because we realise

There is no one nation

There is no one culture

There is only us

All the same

Hidden under fear

Obscured by blame

Until the truth is much more than the lie

When we all remember

We all came here as one

We all come from the One

The One Source

That is you

That is me

That is us

Giving us all

A place

A place in this world