In the light of the moon

When we are not meant to see things, no matter how hard we try we will not see them. The same way when we are not meant to be in a place, we will not get there. Solidifying the belief that when something is not meant for us, no matter how hard we try to get it, it will elude us. Only when we are meant to experience what we are meant to experience will come into our lives in ways we may not have imagined or believed.

The moon night before last taught me that when last night it came out in full, unobscured by any clouds and shone down on me all night long. No matter where I went in my home, I could see the bright light of the radiant moon beaming through my windows. Sending light all through the house. Illuminating away any signs of darkness.

But yet the night before that all I got from the moon was the sense that it was there. But its light and image were hidden from me. Upsetting me that I did not get to witness the redness of the eclipse. Upset that it was not in my cards to see.

But then I realized with the beauty of the moon last night and its continued magnificence this morning that this was the moon I was meant to see more than feel. And to discover the feeling, though through a different sense, felt just as enlightening. Just as beautiful. Just as awe inspiring and rewarding as each other. Feel and see. 

Allowing me to understand that in life, no matter how hard we try, when something is not meant for us in one way, it will manifest for us in the way that is best for us, in the way that will benefit us the most. And in that way, we have to be open to allow ourselves to see the beauty in all things that are present and not present in our lives. 

And though my moon is not red, it is still beautiful and enrapturing at the same time and I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to first feel it then see it unobscured by clouds or my expectations. A lesson for me about life. When I give up expectations, I open myself to experiences I would have otherwise overlooked just because they do not come in ways I had imagined. Because then I allow myself to get them in ways that are more enlightening and meant for me to experience.

In the light of this beautiful moon, I am truly grateful because I feel that much more connected to the power of the Universe and all its glory. 

Feeling the blood moon of 2014

There is a natural beauty to this world we live in. A natural rhythm to this life we live. A natural harmony that flows throughout our land. And that naturalness comes from a place of deep contentment and surrender. A place where happiness dwells all the time. Without interruption. Without worry or expectation. But we have to allow ourselves to stop and see and feel the natural beauty that is us. Within us. Shared by us because we all emanate from the naturalness of this world we live in. Its beauty created by our mind’s eye and our heart beat.

This morning I woke up to the vibrating sound of my alarm. Trying to find it as it vibrated louder. Pulling me out of a deep but restless sleep, I realized it was 3 am. The time I had set my alarm for so I could see the eclipse of the moon.  To feel the hues of the moon radiating through my being. To feel its light. I jumped out of bed rushed to the bathroom window feeling ecstatic about seeing the first lunar eclipse of 2014. But all I saw were clouds. Clouds racing past the moon. Hiding it from me. Its image only partially caught between the passing clouds.

I went back to bed. Disappointed. But willing myself to get up at 3.30 to see if the moon was clear of the clouds. 3.33 came and again I jumped out of bed hoping this was my chance to catch a glimpse of the eclipse. Only to be disappointed again. Clouds thicker this time completely obscuring the moon. Its light still coming through them but its image completely hidden.

I went back to bed with the intention of waking at 4 am to see if I could see the moon. Only to awake at 4.33 and the moon was so high at this point that it had gone beyond the roof of my home, beyond the top of my Poinciana tree so it was impossible to see the moon.

Frustrated I went back to bed again and got up at 5.30. Half hour later than normal because I allowed myself to rest. I got out of bed and opened the front door hoping to catch a glimpse of this monumental and mind altering moon, only for the motion lights to come on. Lighting up the porch and everything around me. Once again obscuring the magical moon. I laughed this time as I thought about how I had been trying for the past 2 and a half hours to see the moon. Chasing an elusive moon that was not meant for me to see.

But meant for me to feel. Meant for me to imagine and to be a part of the natural beauty of the world we live in. To understand that sometimes we may not be able to see what is occurring naturally in our world but to feel it instead. To know that even though we can’t see the magic, it is still unfolding.  Even though clouds may obscure our vision from time to time, the beauty is still present just not for us to see.

Though I was disappointed I did not get to see the eclipse of the moon, I am so grateful to have felt its presence. To have risen to try to catch it in plain sight. Despite its full physical image not being available for me to see, I felt its mythical and magical presence deep in my soul. Deep in my heart. Allowing me to be accepting of the natural beauty that unfolds each and every day before us because it is within us. Accessible at all times.

I inhaled deeply then and felt blessed to be aware of the eclipse of the moon and to honour its presence and its meaning with reverence and gratitude. Its physical presence obscured by the dancing and racing clouds but its ethereal presence was beautiful in its own right. A vision of my inner world. Magical, Majestic and Mythical without even being seen. But its blood red presence felt on a much deeper and spiritual level from a sacred space. What a treat. Namaste

Whose dreams are they anyway?

Yesterday I had a very upsetting experience that sent me on a downward spiral causing me to write this passage:

“What happens when what we thought we were sent here to do becomes out of our reach. Becomes someone else’s story and not our own.

What happens when we get the wind knocked out of us. When our dreams seem impossible and become the dreams of someone else?

What happens when we discover our passion is really not our passion. But is an excuse to keep us on focusing on something outside our reach. Rather than focusing on what is within our reach.

How do we recover from the reality that what we thought was our reality was really a fantasy and not our reality at all? 

What happens when who we thought we were and are is untrue? False and not us at all.

What happens when someone tells us that what we thought we were good at, we really aren’t?

Do we believe them and give up or do we continue to do what we love and eventually doing what we love turns into the reality we have been striving for all along?

Questions so many questions because I have been knocked down yet again. Something I was striving for has proven to be out of my reach. Has proven to be someone else’s dream and not my own. 

I am teetering on the brink of sadness and relief. Trying to grapple in my mind about which emotion is better felt by me.

But here’s something that I am starting to believe. To accept. Rejection often comes before acceptance. Criticisms often comes to help us to see our own flaws and not the flaws we see in others. When we are directed away from something we thought was good for us, we are being helped to get to the place where we will be the most effective.

And sometimes it is not in the route we were expecting. The people we were expecting. Or in the method we were expecting. Sometimes the light comes from just plodding along. Taking one step at the time. Remaining present in the moment. Not wishing for something that may not be ours. But accepting of what is ours.

And sometimes it can be very slow or much later in our lives. 

And in doing so we see the circle of life. We learn patience and endurance and understand one minute we are up and the next down. We are tested to see if what we dream of is what we really and truly want.

Because if we give up with the first no. With the second no. And the third no then our dream was not ours it was someone else. 

So I am learning rather than looking at the missteps as missteps, they are actually steps in the right direction. Redirecting me to bring out the best aspects of who I am, not who I think I ought to be.”

Right after I wrote that passage and surrendered my feelings to the Universe, my husband brought me out of my downward spiral by telling me a wonderful story of triumph becoming my angel without even knowing what he was doing. And as result I wrote this passage:

“Life truly is beautiful. It lets us know when we are on the right track. And when we need to be redirected

It gives us boosts when we need them the most.In the least expected ways. From the least expected people. At the least expected times.

I am writing with a vengeance at the moment with a huge smile on my face. Because an angel came in the form of my husband by telling me the story of who the Beatles were rejected for a recording contract by a man who said guitar groups were on their way out. And how they went on to become one of the greatest bands in history.

Imagine if they had believed that man. Imagine if they had stopped believing in their dream because one man could not see what they felt in their hearts. What they knew to be true about who they were. They would have missed out on becoming one of the greatest recording bands ever. They could have gone back home buried their heads in the sand. Felt sorry for themselves and thought life was hard. Instead they believed and they continued to believe and worked hard at their craft until the rest of us saw and believed in them. Until their spark caught fire and became as explosive as they believed it would.

We are all here for different reasons. To bring different experiences and lessons into this world. And sometimes that means doors will slam in our faces. People will reject us. Life will become difficult. Sending in directions we do not anticipate. But if we believe in ourselves. In our dreams. No matter how many doors shut in our face. No matter how many rejections we get. We will eventually find the door that has been waiting for us to enter. The door marked Enter with our names on it.

And when we walk through out door, the light will emanate from us for the world to see. Because when we believe in who we are and do not allow our dreams to be derailed by anyone, a light radiates from our inner soul. Because we know our dreams are dreams, belonging only to us and to no one else. 

allowing us to understand why there are some who make their dreams come true and others who believe dreams do not come true because they do not believe in themselves.”

Namaste

Sometimes I don't know

Sometimes I don’t know

Where to begin

How to begin

Sometimes I think too much

About what comes next

Rather than doing right now

Sometimes I am looking out

Over the horizon

And beyond

Rather than where I stand right now

Sometimes the distance seems too far to go

The destination impossible to get to

The sweat beading on my brow

My heart beating a thousand beats a second

My palms wet from fear

Sometimes I can’t breathe

Because taking another breath

Means I have to admit I am stuck

Have to admit that life is moving on

And I am not

Sometimes I am so overwhelmed

With who I am not

That I forget who I am

Until I stop

Just stop

And think about all that I am

Was

And from whence I have come

And then an overwhelming sense

Of gratitude

Followed by peace

Followed by forgiveness of self

Followed by a knowingness

That I am where I am meant to be

Builds inside of me

Spilling out over the uncertainty

The vulnerability

The fear

And lets me know

I am human

Imperfect

Growing

Expressing

Exploring

Every single second

Of every single day

And all I have to do

Is to surrender

To the feelings

I feel

Allow them

To run through me

To take over me

Allowing me

To feel them

To embrace them

And honour them

And then when enough is enough

Surrender them back

To where they came from

Because I know they came

To make me pause

To make me stop

To make me surrender

To all that is within me

Waiting for me

Seeking me

Cajoling me

To be the woman

The mother

The wife

The writer

The bringer of the light

I asked to come here to me

And in that moment

I understand

Sometimes

I can’t see her

Feel her

Embrace her

Because I am too busy

Trying to be everything

But who she is

By being what everyone else

Thinks I should be

Rather than who I am

But the pause

The detour of my path

Is asking me to see

And understand

The strength of who I am

And then

I am filled with

Such love

Such peace

Such gratitude

For taking

A breath

A step

A chance

Each and every second

Of

Each and every day

Because I know I am

Who I came here to be

Every single second

Of

Each and every day

Namastet knwo 

Slowing down to smell the roses

Back to reality with a bang. Vacation done and up again early to fit in all the things I need to fit in before the work day begins. Before my reality sets in.

Feeling rushed. Like there are not enough hours in the day to do the things I need to do. But wait, what is it that I really need to do or is it what I choose to do? There are always the same amount of hours in the day and I know that so why am I piling stuff on to make myself so busy that I am exhausted.

That is the question I need to ask myself and the reality I need to face. There is no sense in dismissing the six days of vacation because I am thrusting myself head first back into reality rather than slowly easing myself into it. It was because of choices I made. Decisions I took that I find myself scrambling now to make the commitments that I chose to make. It is my undertakings that have landed me exactly where I am.

I could have made other decisions that would have allowed me to still be relaxing for another day. Giving me the opportunity to be just for a bit longer. But for some reason I felt I had to be available to everyone but me so I am rushing. Headfirst back into work demands. Taking me away from my family quicker than  I needed to be taken.

So what I am going to do today is accept where I have put myself but limit all the yeses to as many as I feel capable of responding to. I will not allow myself to be helter skelter all over the place today. I will only do what I really have to do then take some time to focus myself so I don’t feel like my vacation is a distant memory but a treasured part of my memories. I will not allow myself to get so caught up in being available to everyone else but me under the false belief that by doing so for some perverse reason it will make me feel important and needed.

When in reality it does not make me feel important. And neither am I needed. All it does is make me feel exhausted.  So today I am available for as long as I chose to be available and then after that I will detach myself from those things that can wait a little while longer. Approaching the journey ahead of me with deliberation not acceleration.

So that I can ease myself back into reality and not dismiss my six days of treasured time with my family as if it was a dream.  Slowing myself down and feeling grateful for catching myself before thrusting myself out there before I am totally ready.

Because life truly is a beautiful ride when I allow myself to stop, smell the roses and go placidly amid the noise and haste. As I shall today without guilt or reservation. Namaste

There was no magic at the Magic Kingdom yesterday

So here it is – our last morning in Orlando. Up early, making sure bags are packed. Making sure everything is where it is meant to be. Sad too because it feels like our family getaway time went by too quickly. Feels like we just got here. Like we did not have the time to unwind completely before going back into the real world.

But then again there are some who could only dream about having this experience so rather than feeling sad about our time coming to an end, I am telling myself to be grateful that we had the means and the time to have this wonderful family time together. And to accept that perhaps time went by so quickly because we were all enjoying ourselves so much. Maybe it’s because we lived every minute of the time we were together as if it was the last knowing we had a limited amount of time to do the things we wanted to do.

Sure there was some disappointment along the way. Things we thought we would do, did not get done as we were redirected elsewhere. Like the time we spent at the Magic Kingdom yesterday. At first I looked at that experience as an absolute disaster. Lines that seemed to not move at all. Wait times increasing by the minute. Making the possibility of getting on all the rides we wanted to get on impossible unless we wanted to give up our whole day to be there.

Tempers flaring because of disappointments and the sheer volume of people that were in the park. Magic was not the word that described the feeling in the park at all.  As there were so many people just like us who wanted to experience the full array of possibility offered at the park only to find there were too many of us seeking the same pleasures at the same time that they could not be fulfilled.

And because I had started the day with my blog based on the expression, "when life give us lemons, we ought to make lemonade,"  that’s how I decided to look at the situation facing us. We had a choice – to either allow the fact that we could not get to every ride we wanted to get to dampen our spirits or we could just choose the rides that were the most important and get on those. And then when enough was enough, we would just leave. And that’s what we did.

The rides we were meant to ride became available for us and the ones we were not supposed to ride did not is how I looked at it. My husband, on the other hand, was angry with Disney for allowing so many people into the park knowing dreams would not be fulfilled and thus making people angry. But I knew deep down inside each one of us had chosen to come to that park at the same time for a reason and some of us had planned it properly while others like us were winging it so we had to take what we got. It was not Disney’s fault or anyone else’s fault, it was the choice of all of us to be in that park at the same time. And it was also our choice to leave whenever we wanted.

So here’s a note to self and to others who want to listen, don’t go to the Magic Kingdom during the Easter break – it is full of people from everyone trying to experience the magic of the Magic Kingdom at the same time. Making it appear to be the least magical experience. But here’s the thing, magic comes from within. It does not come from without. So if there is no magic inside, there will be no magic found anywhere even though Disney promises a magical experience. If we want to experience the Disney type magic, plan it when not everyone comes at the same time and particularly after a rainy day the day before!

We finally left the park with my daughter holding my hand and saying, “You know what mommy I don’t like the Magic Kingdom any more. It’s too crowded. My favourite is the Animal Kingdom because it is so pretty.”

But what I really heard her say was that she had experienced her magic at the Animal Kingdom because she was able to face her fear over and over again on the Yeti ride whereas at the Magic Kingdom, her expectations were not met so she did not feel the magic there.

Teaching me that life is all about the experiences we have and sometimes depending on the choices we make, we will experience magic in the least expected ways and then in other instances we will not.

We ended our last full day in Orlando yesterday with a wonderful dinner at our special restaurant Tu Tu Tango where each one of us compared notes about what the best part of the holiday was. Enjoying each other’s company, the food, ambiance and just being together, uninterrupted – a type of magic onto itself. Exactly what getaways and vacation times are meant to be all about. It’s not what we didn’t get to do that should be at the top of the list of memories. It is what we got to do that is special because we did what we were meant to do; not what we wanted to do.

So as we prepare to leave Orlando to make our way back home, I am so grateful for having the time and the means to broaden my children’s horizons and my own by experiencing life outside of our every day. And for our family time together, despite the lack of magic at the Magic Kingdom yesterday, I am truly grateful because more than anything I realised the magic came from us just being together, fully together as a family and what could be more magical than that.

Thanks for the memories Orlando. We thoroughly enjoyed our escape.…

A classic day of when life gives us lemons, make lemonade

Yesterday was one of those days when we truly made the best of the situation we found ourselves in and because we did, doors opened providing opportunities for us that were least excepted.

You see yesterday was supposed to be a severe storm day here in Orlando. Lightning strikes, heavy rain, flooding and thunderstorms at first for the whole day then the forecast changed to a window of between 12 and 3.

By noon it became dark and the heavens opened. Heavy downpours such that it was almost impossible to see in front of us. So we decided we would come back to our place and ride out the storm. During that time, the forecast changed again as the storm had shifted and spared us from the worst of it because we were not going to be in the band that got the heavy thunderstorms and fork lightning, we just got the intermittent heavy rain.

By about 2 pm the weather was breaking so we decided to go to the Animal Kingdom so our daughter could ride the Yeti roller coaster she was too small and too afraid to ride four years ago and to go on the tea cup ride in Dinoland because she remembered loving that ride very much with her papa. As we drove to the park, the weather decided it was not ready to let up yet and the heavens opened again. Downpours so heavy we could barely see in front of us.

All of us doubting whether we had made the right decision to go to the park or if we should just turn back. But then we started laughing and joking about the situation we found ourselves in. We were on holiday after all so did it really matter if we got soaking wet?

By the time we got to the park it was 3.30 and we were the only car approaching the parking booth. The park closes at 7 pm. So really all we had was 3 and a half hours to do what we wanted to do and the parking regardless of what time we arrived was $17. My husband complained to the lady at the booth in a kind way. She looked at us and must have decided because there was not another car in sight and the pouring rain that she felt sorry for us because she decided not to charge us for parking. Instead handing us back the money and saying, “You know what I am going to give you a Magic Moment. Just following the signs for parking and enjoy your time at the park.”

We drove in and there was no one to be seen so we lost our way and ended up on the way back out of the park, slowing down to figure out what we had done wrong. But this time right next to a Disney police car who put his siren and flashing lights on and came over to us to tell us we needed to move on. We told him we were lost and he said we needed to exit the park and come back again. By this time the rain was coming down so much that we were trying to decide if getting lost was a sign that we were meant to leave the park all together.

But my husband was insistent that we were there so we needed to stay. We exited the park and came back through our Magic Moment lady and she let us through again.  And once again we got lost but this time we just found a spot and parked.

As we were walking into the park in the rain, throngs of people were exiting. Soaked to the skin. Not smiling and looking like they had had the most miserable time ever. Our son telling us there was a reason why people were leaving so why in the world would we be arriving. The skies still dark. Rain seeming like it was not going to end even though it was after 4 pm. So much for the forecast.

When we got to the park entrance, the attendants were equally looking as pitiful as the people leaving so I decided to be cheerful and greet them as if it was a hot and sunny day. I said to our attendant, “We are going to make the best out of what could be a bad situation.”

She looked at me with the brightest smile and said, “Thank you for that because so many people are irritated with us because of the weather, like we can do anything about it.”

She started joking with us and then our attitudes shifted even more. Hundreds of people were exiting as we were making our way in. As we got to the first ride, the rain had turned into a drizzle. And there was no one lining up for my daughter’s treasured tea cup ride which she and her papa did not once but twice because there were no lines. My fifteen year old standing beside me in disbelief that we would be in the park under those conditions.

By the time they had completed the ride, the rain had stopped, the sky looked less ominous and we had the park all to ourselves it seemed. We got to the Yeti ride – the ride my daughter so desperately wanted to try but when she saw it, she said there was no way she was going to ride it. My husband and son had to take a bathroom break and while they were doing that, she wanted to go to watch others on the ride. She was gripping my hand in fear as we watched the ride climb slowly up a track that made my teeth hurt just looking at it. Sheer drops on either side. With her palms sweaty and her little body shaking, a light came on in her eyes and she said, “I’m going to do it. Let’s find Papa and Raven before they get on.”

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said.

We rushed over to the entrance just as they were exiting the bathroom and she took her papa’s hand and told him she was going. I could see the fear in her eyes. I could feel it. My heart pounding. My palms sweaty. I stood at the entrance for a minute to make sure she was going to go. And because there were no lines she did not have time to change her mind. I watched as they climbed the steep track, my heart in my throat. I took pictures as they came down the steep track curving sharply to the left and felt her fear within me.

When she finished she said she was terrified but wanted to do the ride again. And she did. They did. The triumph on her face almost indescribable.

Then we went on the Safari as our last real thing we wanted to do. By this time the rain had completely stopped. All the animals were out in full force. Relieved too that the rain had stopped so not only did we walk straight onto the safari, we got to see all the animals as well.

When we got off the safari our daughter decided she wanted to do the Yeti one more time. This time with her brother because he had wanted to ride with her all along but she needed her papa first to feel brave enough to do the ride. But by the end her confidence had built so much that she could now go with her brother. The two of them walking off hand in hand. Him proud that she felt comfortable enough to ride with him and her brave enough to be comfortable with her brother. Tears stinging my eyes as I watched my children taking further steps away from us. No longer needing us to help them feel brave because they have built a love and trust for each other and now they are maturing with that love and respect.

Watching with pride as they came down the mountain together on the ride. She laughing and he holding his arms up in the air with a huge smile on his face. My husband and I holding hands as we stood watching our children doing their first rollercoaster ride together without needing any of us. Proud to know we are parents of children who are growing independent and strong.

And then our time was done. The day that had started without promise under the threat of a severe storm ending perfectly for us. An empty park allowing us to do all the things we wanted to do and ending on such a bittersweet moment with our children were prime examples of when life give us lemons we need to make lemonade as we did yesterday. And boy was that lemonade some sort of sweet. Namaste.