A write off day turns into a write on day

Yesterday was one of those days when I thought everything was going to be a write off. It started with me getting up early to meditate and to write my blog. To sit outside on our closed in veranda and look out over the predawn sky on my own. To watch the fiery redness of the clouds as the sun fought its way to awaken the day. And just as I was enjoying my meditation, the music cut off abruptly and without reason. I opened my eyes to discover the Internet had dropped out. Leaving me without the beautiful music to finish my meditation with and without the means to post my blog. Then to top that all off when I looked into the bedroom I discovered my husband had woken up sending my anxiety barometer through the roof.

Believe me it’s not because I don’t love my husband. I do, I really do but my early morning ritual is mine and mine alone. I don’t like anyone in my space until I have meditated, written my blog, posted it then surfed the Internet for a while seeking daily inspiration and my fix for Scandal buzz. Seeing that my husband was awake during my quiet time irritated me to no end especially since my patience was short because I had no Internet.

I left my ear plugs in hoping he would get the message that I did not want to be disturbed but he didn’t because not only did he come into my space, he started talking to me as well. Sending me in a tail spin, thinking this man and I have been married for 22 years and together for about 24 year years and he ought to know by now that this time of the morning is my sacred time – alone. But he was bubbly and trying to make conversation with me- his wife whose morning had not gone as planned. Talking to me while I was trying to make the best out of a bad situation by writing my blog even though I could not post it right away. Trying to convince myself that if I wrote it without panicking too much, the Gods would smile down on me and let the Internet come back up after I finished my masterpiece. But my husband was now disturbing my peace.

To save the peace I smiled politely at him and told him I was in the middle of writing. Bless his heart he got the message but still sat next to me not realising I didn’t want anyone in my space. My pressure went up higher but then I put myself in his shoes and thought how sweet it is that he wants to be in my space at this hour in the morning so we could watch the sunrise together. So I swallowed my anger, took my earplugs out and finished my piece. Told him the Internet was down and then surrendered to the moment.

He asked if I wanted to go walking with him around the resort. Something we don’t get to do very often. So I let go and just gave in to the fact that I was supposed to go walking with my husband rather than posting my blog. That my morning ritual had been broken to make room for us. We got dressed and as we were about to leave, the repairman came to the room to fix the Internet but could not. We told him we were going to walk and perhaps he could come back in an hour. He was appreciative because they were short staffed and we were appreciative because it freed us up to walk.

We walked the walkway of the resort twice, chatting like old times, carefree about where we were, taking in the beautiful flowers and scenery and the freshness of the morning air. By the time we got back and I logged in to the computer, the Internet was back. I edited my blog then posted it. Happy for surrendering to the moment. For allowing my ritual to be broken to include my husband and a morning walk together. And then when the repairman returned to fix the problem, I realised without a doubt that the Universe had intervened and had shut down the Internet so I would take the time to be fully present with my husband. To allow us to have some quality one on one time together.

Proving to me that when one door shuts another opens. And when things don’t work out the way we had planned, it is because there is something better making its way to us. Though my blog was posted late yesterday morning, I got to spend quality time with my husband I may not otherwise have done had it not been for the Internet interruption. And for its interruption, I am truly grateful.

We went on to have a wonderful family day at Sea World particularly since our daughter had waited four years to ride the Journey to Atlantis ride because the last time we were here each time we went to the park it was broken. She was tickled pink. Beyond ecstatic. And my son and husband got to ride the Krakken twice and in their opinion the ride of all rides, The Manta – not once but twice and they were so glad they had.

The day that I thought was going to be a complete write off turned into an absolute write on one once I let go and let be. Accepting that sometimes we are led away from where we think we ought to be to the place we are meant to be. And for surrendering to it all allowing my wonderful day yesterday to happen, I am truly grateful. Namaste.

Four year time lapse

Last night when I sat down to write my grateful journal and to add to my 5 year expression of the day, I realised just how quickly life is changing and moving around me. That time is moving right along whether I am an active participant in it or not.

You see, it was four years ago that we came to Orlando with our children. Four years ago that my son rode his first major roller coasters with his papa. Four years ago when he was 11 years old and still a small guy with a little sister who was 7 and could not get on several of the rides. And she was not a happy camper. So we promised them we would bring them back in four years time when she was 11 and he was 15. I remember standing in front of the Manta ride at Sea World thinking four years is such a long time from now that they will probably forget anyway.

But here we are fours years gone by like a blink and we are back again. Making true on our promise to our children. This time with our 15 year old looking my husband in the eye. This time the two of them looking like two men riding the rides together. Like two mates. Not boy and man any more. But still father and son. And my heart brims with joy when I see the two of them together enjoying the rides. Challenging each other to ride them then coming off with fire in their eyes about what they had just accomplished together. Comparing what they thought about the rides. And I am so grateful for having a husband who is still a kid at heart. A husband who will go the extra mile with his children.

Then I thought back to our daughter the one who wanted so desperately to come back to the parks. And she has definitely evolved into the fish of the family. The one who prefers getting wet. Who loves water parks. Who loves water rides. And can’t seem to get enough of them. She has dragged her papa reluctantly on every ride she can where they are guaranteed to get super wet. Thank goodness it is 90 degrees here and the wetness helps to cool the heat of the day for them. Interestingly enough she is not into the extreme coaster rides she thought she was missing out on four years ago but she is not afraid to go on the extreme slides that take my breath away. And though my husband does not really enjoy the getting wet part, he goes along to make sure our girl is enjoying herself too. The two of them coming of the rides soaked to the skin but laughing and bonding in ways they could not otherwise.

It is interesting to see how our children's personalities have developed within that four year time span. Our son the extreme rider is the more cautious one in life while our daughter the less extreme rider is the one who will push boundaries in real life more so than our son. Both showing their alter egos in ways least expected in the parks but wonderfully so. Illustrating to me that personality is inherent in us and will be us regardless of the same home environment we may grow up in. Further letting me know there is no use trying to make our children into something they are not. They already are who they came to be. Growing more into who they chose to be. As parents we are only here to guide them and to help them explore their boundaries but not to impose any of our boundaries and beliefs on them because they already are.

And then some of you may be wondering why I am absent from these rides, well the truth is I am not a ride person. I don’t mind the simulated rides because I know I am not moving but the coasters and the slides don’t do it for me because I am terrified of heights so it is all on my husband for the rides. And I can't say enough just how grateful I am to have him to relieve me of that stress. I am just the happy, accommodating bag and stuff holder. Allowing them to be stuff free so they can enjoy the rides.

So here we are four years later, my husband and I pretty much the same. Not much has changed for either of us except maybe we have both grown a bit rounder and mature but now we are looking at young adults who could do the rides without us entirely if they so desired. Teaching me to enjoy every moment we have left with our children because in four years time, our son will be off to University taking further steps away from us and our daughter will be fifteen getting closer to moving away too or could be away already knowing her.

Time is marching on but for the moment I am enjoying it with my family in a fantasy land filled with things for all of us to do. Grateful to be reminded that time is marching on. That it stands still for no one and to enjoy it I have to be an active participant in it.

This trip has reminded me that there is no such thing as a time lapse, time has not stood still, but it moves quickly and without mercy so it is up to me, to us to live it as fully as I can because I feel like I blinked and here it is four years later. But in reality I did not just blink once, I have blinked a multitude of times in that four years and my growing children are showing that in this moment. So grateful... Namaste

Gratitude for taking the time to be in a new place

A beautiful morning. Watching the night sky turn to the day sky. The dawn to the day. It is so spectacular and refreshing when I see the dawning of a new day from a new perspective. From a new place. Because I am so relaxed and so in awe of life that I allow myself to be transported beyond the reality of my existence to the fantasy of my existence. I allow myself to remember not to take the blessing of seeing another day, another sunrise for granted.

My family is vacationing in Orlando, Florida. Yes I know not the most spiritual and enlightening place in the world but what I am feeling this morning as I sit on my balcony looking out over the grounds of our resort at the sun rising in front of my eyes, getting brighter by the minute, a fountain dancing to my right, that spirit and enlightenment are always present for me. For us. Always because spirit and enlightenment are within us. But sometimes we neglect them or reject them because we are not in the frame of mind to reach or receive them because we allow the everyday burdens of our lives to weigh us down. Blinding us from the power we carry within. But this morning I am especially feeling my power on this quiet awakening morning.

Where the sky started out as red with clouds different from the ones I normally see at home to it now being virtually clear with the bright light of the sun taking over. The silence of the morning interrupted every once in a while by the sounds of man awakening – buses, people running, walking, people going to work, interspersed with the sounds of nature - birds in flocks whizzing past my balcony, while others sit in trees , on pillars and posts singing to their heart’s content. And I feel that contentment filling me as well. Sending shivers down my spine.

It is so important that we step out of our everyday ever once in a while giving ourselves the space to reconnect with our essence selves. To remove ourselves from the reality of our lives to the fantasy of our lives to realise fantasy and reality are one in the same as they reside in our brains, our thoughts. Allowing us to understand sometimes we can’t see beyond our everyday to the fantasy of who we really are. Getting away allows us to tap into that and helps us to understand the duality of our existence.

Beautiful white swans just caught my eye taking me from my serious writing to my fantastical writing, willing me to write about the story of the ugly duckling who realises she was always a beautiful swan – the story of many of our lives. We are all beautiful in our own right but sometimes we can’t see through the façade of the image that we are so busy building to see the beauty of who we  really are.

Fantastical writing shattered when what I thought were beautiful swans started walking because I realised they weren’t swans at all. They were egrets instead. But my mind needed to believe they were swans because I needed to be reminded of the beauty that I carry within. So I decided to leave my mistake because I know it was not a mistake at all but my lesson and blessing. Awakening me to the beauty that I carry with me all the time.  Awakening me to the fantasy and reality that live side by side in my brain. Awakening to the duality of who I am. Of who we all are. The yin and yang of our existence. Fantasy battling reality for balance.

I love vacations. I love getting away. I love surrendering to the nothingness that is everything. I am so glad I took the time to stop. To just be with my family. Here’s to the start of a short break together. Of family time and reconnecting as the dawn of this new day in a new place has kindly awakened in me the joy, the gratitude, the ecstasy of surrendering to me. Forever grateful and feeling blessed with this life that is mine. Feeling especially privileged to know spirituality and enlightenment are always present when I give myself the time to surrender as I am in this moment. Namaste.

In mourning today from #Scandal Thursday

Okay everyone you have to indulge me again today. Last night was none other than Scandal Thursday night. And though I anticipated the twists and turns in the show, I did not anticipate the emotional roller-coaster I was cast on. Scandal is becoming the show I love to hate.

Last night’s Scandal was one of the saddest shows I have seen to date because it showed the great lengths we go through as humans to remain in power, to control, to manipulate. It showed in a very exaggerated way how choices we make impact our lives in sometimes irreparable ways.  How when we choose outside of love, we set into motion a chain of events that can be devastating and life changing to not only others but to ourselves as well.

I watched in disbelief as the relationship between Fitz and Olivia continues to unravel. Continues to find more darkness than the light it originally looked capable of achieving, of being.  But I guess when the love between people is born from darkness, it can only bring out the darkest of emotions between the two people entangled in it. Olivia and Fitz met at a time in their lives when they needed someone to fill a void they could not fill themselves, a hint perhaps that their relationship was doomed from the beginning.  But because the energy between them was so strong it pulled me in. Sucked me in. Gave me false hope they deserved each other - but do they really? Are they capable of loving each other fully and totally?

But now #Olitz has moved beyond the surface to that dark place beneath the surface revealing the fact that any relationship born with one trying to fill the need of the other is likely to be doomed.  As much as it hurts my heart to think that way. As much as I was broken last night when I saw Fitz choose power, control and jealousy over the love that he thought made him whole, my heart broke. My spirit crumbled. My faith was shaken. But could there have been any other way? Probably not - darkness only begets darkness.

Then we saw Jake come to Olivia in a drunken state telling her he missed her. Telling her he wished they had stood in the sun together. To which she whispered, she wished they had as well. Him closing his eyes, face filled with such pain and regret with the comfort of a door between him and Olivia allowing Jake the courage to profess with such conviction that he had asked her to save him and she had said no. Him trying to transfer the choices he had made back on her. Feeling the pain of two people who were desperately trying to be in the light but allowed themselves to be pulled into a darkness that was not their own only to find that darkness more powerful than the light they know they deserved. Heartbreaking again when she used his weakness for her gain later on in the show. Breaking her faith in herself and in humanity because she knew she had plunged herself further into the dark side because she chose power over being in the light.

And ultimately Olivia’s choice to choose power over love, darkness over light, we are shown, could cast her further into the pits of darkness and could take the love she thought was once hers from her permanently. I’m rambling today because I am struggling. I am so heartbroken by seeing just how powerful our choices can be though from an exaggerated way through my favorite show Scandal last night.

Because I was reminded how important it is for us to think through the choices we make, the people we open the door to enter our lives because they open us up to situations and demons within ourselves that we have to explore. And sometimes take us down a road that we may never find our way back again. At least not in a way we ever expected. And sometimes that means we sacrifice who we are and what we stand for to remain in power, to continue to control. But in the end when we make choices that do not come from a place of love, that come from a place of power rather than sharing, the only people that lose are us. And we can’t blame anyone for where we find ourselves.

I am in mourning today – mourning the fact that we forget sometimes that power never triumphs over love. Darkness never triumphs over the light. And until we realize the only way we can love and be in the light is to love ourselves first and believe we are worthy of being in the light before we can attract the light into our lives. Before we can attract likeminded loving and caring people in our lives. Choices come from us and the consequences that result come from the choices we make. No one forces us to make the choices we do unless we give them the power to therefore we cannot blame anyone else for the dark place we find ourselves in except ourselves.  

Olivia and Fitz, Olivia and Jake are fictional characters in a fictional TV show called Scandal but they are caricatures of the lives we lead and boy did they deliver last night. Still in mourning and still trying to come to terms with what I saw last night… But know deep in my soul that I was shaken because I know every decision I make, every choice I make is why I am where I am. And I have no one else to blame but myself because ultimately love of self is the only way we can love anyone else. The only light in the darkness. Because life is all about the choices we make and the people we invite into our lives. 

Don't force

Don’t force

Just let it be

Be patient

When the time is right

All will be revealed

I tell myself these things over and over again

Because I tell myself

I am so enlightened

That I can’t experience desire

I am so touched by the light

I know I am where I am meant to be

And sometimes those beliefs comfort me

And other times they imprison me

Depending on where my mindset is at the time

So I breathe deeply

Trying to release my desire to control

To direct

To make my future

By projecting into it

Leaving my space of the present

Missing all the signs

Pointing to danger

Screaming caution

Roadblocks to stop me

From following a path I will regret

But I am human

And no matter how spiritual

Thoughtful

Insightful 

I may be

No matter how enlightened

I think I may be

I am still human

Growing

Changing

Accepting

Rejecting

Desiring

Wishing

Envying

Striving

To be the best person I can be

And sometimes it takes me to the dark side

To the place I must find my shadow

To understand the completeness of me

Sometimes I have to be woman enough

To admit

I am impatient

Want to be over there

Rather than here

Want what I want right now

Without enjoying

And being grateful

For all that I have right here right here

And when I get like this

I feel lost

Resentful

And judgmental

Pitiful really

Because it can’t be me holding me back

It has to be everyone else and everything  else

Because in my impatient mind

My imperfect human state of being

I believe I have done all that I can

To achieve what I am meant to achieve

I have been through so much to get to 

Nowhere

Then I feel depleted

Empty

Exhausted

Without passion

And because I see no way out

I continue to wallow in the darkness

Because I am not confronting my shadow

I am not accepting of my imperfections

I am not willing to admit I am afraid

Afraid to take the leap of faith

The leap that got me what I needed to get before

Only when I take that step

That first timid step

To emerge from the darkness

Will I be able to see

The shadow

My shadow

The one that has come

To help me to see

My vices

My fears

My vulnerabilities

Only then do I get

The truth

The universal truth

Wherever I am is where I have chosen to be

Wherever I am is where I am meant to be

Because every thought

Precedes action

Initiates reaction

Brings forth energy

Because every thought

Has led me to act

Has attracted the people

The places

The feelings

Into my life

I am experiencing at any given moment

So drum roll now

If I want them no more

Then it is up to me

To shift

To be grateful

To be patient

To not force

To know they only way to confront my shadow

Is to step out of the darkness

Into the light

Because only light 

reveals shadows 

I will see and feel

My imperfections

And allow them to grow me

I will spread my wings and fly

Because I will know

I have always had them

They were always available to me

But I dismissed them as belonging to someone else

Because I falsely believed

I was not born to fly

I was born to walk

To stumble

To fall

I falsely believed I was not worthy

Of having those wings

That I stopped believing

And stopped doing

Until I accept my worthiness

I will not fly

I will stumble

And fall

Over and over again

Until the time comes

When I accept

I am perfection

I am complete

I am whole

All wrapped up in my imperfect

Incomplete

Fractured self

Because they are growing me

Maturing me

To be a compassionate and caring woman

Worthy enough to step into my light

My own light

Created for and by me

Facing my yin and yen

My shadow and light self

As one
Without forcing
Just accepting
With gratitude
I am who I am

Namaste

Do you believe in magic? Miracles?

Sometimes we look in the least likely places

At the least likely people

For magic

For miracles

We think magic is something that is make believe

That it does not exist

We think magic equates to black magic

Hocus Pocus

Fairtytales

We believe miracles are reserved for the great master

Never for us

Yet if we really stop and think about us

About everything around us

About our very existence

About the very existence of everything

About the world we live in

What we are and where we could we have come from

Not just from our mother’s bellies

But where were we before our mothers

And where do we go at the end of our physical existence

Doesn’t that make you believe in the miracle of us

The wonder of us

The magic of us

Isn’t our very existence by nature

A miracle

Magic in itself

Does anyone have an explanation about which came first

The chicken or the egg

Or the egg or the chicken

Because one could not exist without the other

We are magical miraculous beings

That come and go in this plane

Morphing from one thing to the next

Have you ever been injured such that you could not use an arm or a leg

And then were forced to think about how we use our limbs every day anyway

Is there a giant computer sitting out there somewhere that is controlling us all

Could we all be subject to cyber threat, hackers and those who want to run the world

Is it possible that with a push of a button

We will be shut down one day

We are such amazing living, breathing, creatures

Born from the mingling of an egg and sperm

Grown inside a protective womb of our mother’s bodies

Birthed from either a canal or brought out by knife

Creating our physical existence for a predetermined amount of time

But where do our souls come from

And for that matter what are our souls

Do they die or do they remain

Do our souls continue even when our physical bodies wither and die away

Do our essence selves remain but without the memory of what we were before

Magic is what we are

Miracles are what we are

So how can we ever dismiss magic

Believing it belongs solely to the dark side

When in fact we are magical beings

We embody the concept of magic

So how can we dismiss miracles

And believe only a select few are bestowed miracles

When we go to bed every night and drift off into another land

Then take a waking breath to wake us up in the morning

Pulling us out of bed

Ready to start anew

If ever we did not believe in magic or miracles

All we have to do is look at ourselves in the mirror

Marvelling at the image that is us

Listen to our minds

Watch what we can do and say in a day

If we are looking for a miracle

All we need do is look at a rose blooming

Smell its intoxicating scent

Watch it blow in the wind and yet remain unaffected by it

Watch a bluebird, a red bird, any birds flying before our eyes

Catch a glimpse of a rainbow and if we are lucky a double rainbow in the sky

And know for the first time that there is no need to doubt magic

No need to dismiss miracles

Because we are living and breathing magical miracles every single day of our lives

Witnessing every day miracles in the magic of a new day

So now do you believe in magic and miracles

 I do because I am magic and I am a miracle

And so are you

So are we all

Have a magical miraculous day

Accepting we are magical miraculous creatures

Living in a magical miraculous world

Surrounded by magical miracles

Every single second

Of every single day

 Namaste.

April 1 April Fool's Day challenging me

April 1. April Fool’s Day. Another month breezing in. This year seems to be flying by to me. It seems every day is trying to tell me to just live my life, stretch my wings, embrace every moment that I am in, live my life as fully as I can. Without regret, apology or expectation. Just spread my wings and fly. Just typing those words fills me with anticipation and life. With joy and abandon and a smile that emanates from that place inside of me that is untouched by external forces. That place that is my compass, my inner voice, me. And that smile is spreading throughout me, warming me, encouraging me, coaxing me to not worry about what anyone else thinks or says about me. My worth is not measured by their judgement. No it is measured by what I believe and think of me.

That place untouched by external forces inside of me is burning, itching, telling me to be all that I want to be. Take chances, fall down then get back up again. Forget about the naysayers. They only say nay because they don’t have the nerve to take chances, fall down then get back up again. Anybody with gumption would be applauding those who take chances because they recognize that it is only with taking chances, falling down and getting back up again that we step out of the path of mediocrity into a life worth living. Into a life of our creation.

April 1 – the month of April, my birth month, the month I graced this Earth some 50 plus years ago and I feel a tingling inside. Something I can’t put my finger on. Something that is happening, opening, expanding. Something that is moving me to be who I came here to be. Recognizing that time is running out for me. My days ahead are most likely going to be less than the days I had behind me.

Something is willing me to stand in my own light. To accept I am the light. To accept I am worthy of success. To accept that life only gives me what I put out there. Deem myself to be worthy of.

April 1- April Fool’s Day yet one year ago today my husband and I stood before our children in Kauai and renewed our love for each other as a couple, as a family.  Celebrating our 21 years together. Honouring our ups and downs as a couple. Telling our story to each other so our children could hear it first hand.  To see that though our lives may not be perfect all the time, it is the imperfections that grow us, challenge us, make us.

April the fourth month of the year already. Where is the time going? What am I doing with my time? Am I honouring each second , each minute, each hour of every single day that I am given to breathe, to be , to do with reverence and gratitude, with love and light, respect and faith. Or am I doing what everyone else expects me to be rather than who I came here to be?

I don’t know the answers to all my questions today but I do know there is something inside me that is awakening. Something inside that is ready to emerge and I am willing, ready and able to bring her forth because I feel she has been, I have been, a long time in coming. Here’s to the beginning of my birth month that is asking me to be reborn again. Watch out world because here we come….here I come. 

April 1 April Fool's Day challenging me to not be the fool who stands and watches life pass me by but to live it as fully as I can. Letting go and spreading my wings allowing myself to fly without worry or fear. So here I go. Here I begin. Opening to the awakening that is happening from within.  Namaste.