Taking the time to unravel our minds

When we start thinking of regrets and regrets only, that’s all life becomes. When we are too hard on ourselves for decisions we did not make rather than focusing on the decisions we did make, we forget the magic that happens every day for us.

When we focus on what we didn't do rather than on what we have done and are doing, life becomes a chore.

When we think we are standing still rather than looking at the small steps we are taking, life becomes too overwhelming for us.

Sometimes we just have to accept we are where we are meant to be even if it is not where we thought we would be. As there are no mistakes therefore we ought not to feel regret.

However we are human and because we are human, we will from time to time find ourselves trapped in a funky place. A place where there are nothing but regrets. Clouding our judgment. Putting us in a place of fear. And when we are in this place of fear, we lash out at those around us. Needing to find someone or something to blame for the place we find ourselves in. Rather than accepting that we are responsible for the choices we have made, the decisions we have not made, the opportunities we have chosen not to pursue, the paths we chose not to go down.

We cannot blame someone else for taking what we felt was our place because we opened the door for them to do so. We cannot become angry that life seems to be working out for everyone else around us while our lives seem to be going nowhere. Everyone is where they are based on decisions they have made and decisions they have made not. Including us.

When we do find ourselves in this place, The Waiting Room as Dr. Seuss so aptly called it, as we will from time to time, it is up to us to really ask what it is that we want from life, for our lives, in our lives then when receive the answer, be willing to take the chance, to step out there to be exposed rather than hiding in the place of blame and shame and regret. Rather than remaining in the Waiting Room. Afraid of making a mistake rather than continuing to feel we are living a mistake. 

Regret is what keeps us from seeing there is no such thing as a mistake. There are no mistakes in our lives – none whatsoever and we have to remind ourselves of that when we see opportunities pass us by. We need to shift our thoughts to tell ourselves that those opportunities were not meant for us yet. Only when we are ready will the time be right. Only when we are strong enough and brave enough to own our behaviors, our choices, our decisions, will we be able to take responsibility for our actions. Only then will we be able to step into the shoes of abundance and light with no regrets, no blame and no shame. Because we have taken the time to unravel our minds. Giving us the space to be who we are meant to be. Without regret. wWthout shame. Without blame.

Every day we are given signs

Every day we are given signs about where we want to be with our lives. Every day we are answered as to what to do next and where to be next. Every day something happens to let us know who is with us and who is not. Yet we choose to ignore these signs when they aren’t what we think we want. When we are afraid of making tough decisions. When we are worried about what others may say or think. Ignoring the voice, the voice that comes from deep within.

We are given clues all the time about what we are really feeling. Truly feeling from deep, deep within. Clues that bubble to the surface, float in front of us and sometimes smack us right in the face because we refused to listen. Refused to take heed. Leaving us wandering in the wilderness. Fumbling in the dark. Looking over our shoulders waiting for the moment we are in to be snatched away from us because we know it is not us. Never ours for the taking.

Every day there is something that nudges us. Pushes us to the place we are meant to be. Whispers to us from deep within instructions about what to do next. But sometimes we think we aren’t ready or do not have the tools to proceed.  But if we were to look back over our lives whenever we have been brave enough, trusted enough, had faith enough, doors have opened that we didn’t know even existed. Opportunities came that we thought were for the lucky ones. Not for people like us.

Until we realize there is no such thing as luck. Life is all about the choices we make, the people we surround ourselves with, the settings we choose to live and work in. Life is a reflection of who we are and where we are in our growth process. It is not about what anyone else is doing or has. It is all about what feels good for us and what gets us up in the morning. The gratitude we feel. The love we feel. The joy we feel. Because all of these feelings come for us. Our inner most selves. Our reservoir.

When we are feeling lost and afraid, we are being asked by life to stop, to sit, to contemplate, to really listen to the voice within because it is asking us to surrender to it. Asking us to listen to it. Asking us to accept what it is telling us because it is our master compass. Our chief navigator. Our light in the dark.

Only then can we accept, every day we are given signs, clues, answers to the questions, to the life, to the way we seek. Every day but we have to be willing to listen, to take heed and to do what we are being instructed to do particularly when we are afraid. Particularly when nothing makes sense. Particularly when the road seems rocky and without end.

Our lives, wherever we find ourselves, are reflections of who we are and where we are at the present moment. We attract who we are and reject who we are not. Simple but difficult at the same time.  The best way to live the lives we want is to listen, really listen to the voice within and the only way we can do that is to give ourselves permission to be with ourselves, truly with ourselves. Because every day we are given signs about where we want to be with our lives. Every day we are answered about what to do next and where to be next. It's just up to us to listen, to surrender, to take heed. Because no one can give us the life we want except us. No one but us.

The wolf in sheep's clothing

When we think all is all about us

When we think everything everyone does is about us

When we become so obsessed with our own agendas

That only our agendas matter

When we are convinced the world must come to a standstill when we want it to

Regardless of what anyone else wants

When we think we can say whatever we want to people

Because we are the only ones entitled to an opinion

Eventually those who we want to listen to us

Listen no more

Eventually those who we want to be in our presence

No longer see the point of our presence

Because we have cried wolf so many times

That when the wolf appears at our door

No one believes us

No one comes

Because the wolf never existed

The wolf was our imagination

No one else could see it

But us

Because we created it

To hide from who we are

To not see what we need to see about us

About who we truly are

On the inside

To not see we are the wolf

The one we created all along

That’s why we have to be sure

About the decisions we make

The things we say

The bridges we break

The doors we shut in the faces of those who would have stood by us

Because eventually people move on

Eventually people see the agenda is all about us

Without any regard for them

Eventually they become tired of the drama

The poor me victim stage

That we create to make others believe we are the victims

The wolves in sheeps’ clothing

When the victim is really the bully

Because really that’s what bullying is

Bullying is trying to make people

Do what we want

When we want it

And when we are ready to stop the shenanigans

When we want to go back

Sometimes there is no going back

Because we have set a new reality

Created new boundaries

That do not lead to what we want

Because eventually people become exhausted

Tired

Bored

Indifferent

Not full of hate

But just plain indifferent

To our cries

To our pleas

To our manipulative ways

Because eventually those people we have cast aside

Become strong enough to realize

That sometimes it is better to just leave well enough alone

To walk away from the drama

To keep the door closed that was closed for us

With forgiveness and love

But sometimes there are some

Who try to come back when we stop running to them

They try to manipulate by turning the tables

On the ones they pushed away

Believing it was the ones who were pushed that are at fault

When in fact no one is at fault

There is no fault

There is no blame

There is no hate

It is just the time has come when what was

Is no more

And can never be again

Because when we truly believe all is done to us

Not for us

When we think everything happens to us

Not for us

Eventually everything does become about us

And us alone

Standing all alone

Wondering how to get to the other side

How the bridge broke

How we lost the key to the door

We want to reopen

Eventually we do walk this path 

Have to walk it alone

And could walk it alone for a long time

If we don’t reconcile with ourselves

That we are the wolf

The wolf in sheep’s clothing

Words matter - Giving our girls the space to be the women they are meant to be

Saturday, March 8 marked the celebration of International Women’s Day and I had the privilege of reading lots of interesting articles about changing how we label our girls from being called bossy to being revered for showing signs of having leadership skills. How we should not dampen down our girls’ ability to lead and how we should not try to make them feel bad for having natural leadership skills. To encourage them to be who they are even when there are some who feel threatened by their natural ability to lead.

And I thought about my life and how I came into leadership at a very young age. I thought my leadership skills came when my mother died when I was 13 but I realize the ability to lead was something that was innate in me because of the surroundings I came from. The upbringing I had. The people I saw on my television screen. All these events and people were shaping my future without me even realizing they were.

I owe a lot of my “je ne sais quoi” to the place I grew up in – Bermuda – where women were making headlines. And fortunately they were women who looked like me – a brown girl with an eagerness to lead and not really knowing I had that knowingness at the time. And to those women who did not turn their backs on me. Who saw something in me that I did not see but encouraged me to bring her to the forefront. Bring me to me.

I used to watch the news and saw this woman called Lois Browne- Evans become a lawyer and become the first leader of the Opposition Party – a woman in the 1970s at that level for me to see during my formative years made me believe there was nothing that could stop me from being the leader I wanted to be either. It did not seem impossible for me to reach that status and neither did it seem unusual to me. I just had in my mind that women like me could be anything we wanted to be if she was the leader of the Opposition party and a lawyer and she was black. Which was not a big deal either because I grew up in predominantly black Bermuda – where I was the majority rather than the minority.

Then my mother died when I was 13 and while all my friends were busy trying to decide what  they were going to do after school and on the weekends, I was busy trying to figure out how to manage a household, do my school work and take care of my family because I was suddenly the head of my family. The one who held everyone together. The only woman, but still a girl, left amongst 4 men. Becoming a multitasking leader from the demands of life. Thrust upon me without even knowing I could or had those skills. Teaching me I can do anything even when I think I can’t as long as I believe I can.

And though there were those who said I would be a failure, what they didn’t realize was that life was preparing me to lead. Preparing me to stand on my own in many uncomfortable circumstances. Preparing me for people who would stab me in the back while smiling in my face. Preparing me to walk many roads alone and know that if I kept walking no matter how dark it seemed or how lost I felt, as long as I kept going, I would be rewarded. So I kept going. Closing my ears to those who disparaged me. Shut my eyes to those who taunted me. Blocked out the words of those who wanted me to fail.

Quite strangely I realized the more these people talked about me and expected less from me, the more I did what I had to do because no eyes were on me to succeed so I learnt to be that silent warrior who did not yell and scream and shout but the one who saw avenues that no one else saw or were too afraid to take because they were out of the ordinary. I also had along the way some very influential teachers, friends, relatives who saw something in me that was worth grooming and stood by me.

Because what I learnt after my mother’s death was that tomorrow is not promised to anyone. That no one lasts forever not even me. That if I want something from life I have to go for it even when others tell me it is not possible. Sure as I have grown older, I have become more reserved in what I go for but what I want my daughter and my son to know is that this life is theirs and theirs alone and there will be people along the way who will try to label them, take from them and make them feel inferior but in no way can those people do that to them unless they allow them to regardless of who those people may be. These naysayers and dream stealers may come in the form of teachers, relatives and friends and they can come in the form of people they least expect to hurt them.

So what I am teaching both my daughter and son by example is no matter how someone wants to label them or take from them, they have the ability to be whomever they want as long as they believe. And for those who believe my daughter is bossy, please keep your opinions to yourself because she is in her formative years and is developing the skills she needs to be the best woman she can be. And for all women let’s refrain from labelling each other in ways that are meant to be disrespectful and full of innuendos because we are raising the next generation of women who will carry our words on to the next generation and the next.

To my sisters, it’s up to us to stop the negative chatter and allow our daughters to fully step into their innate abilities without feeling like they have to be anyone other than who they are to be accepted by the female club. In celebration of International Women’s Day – we are raising the next generation of women who will be mothers, sisters, daughters, friends and we want them to be as whole as they can be so they can raise generations that will respect, honour and raise each other up. At the end of the day, we all come from women and the more we uphold the sanctity of womanhood, the better our world will be.

As Condoleezza Rice said, “Words matter.” Here’s to inspiring change through a mindset and language change in the sisterhood of Womanhood… women, the vessels through which all humankind come. Girls will one day be the women of tomorrow.

The long way home is sometimes better than the easy way

The weather that was threatening to come never came until late in the night, early this morning. At first making me question why I had travelled halfway across the country with multiple delays to get back home when if I had stayed with my original travel plans, I would have gotten home without all the hassle I went through.

Questioned why my instincts did not tell me I should stay where I was rather than fleeing and getting myself so exhausted from delayed flights and missed sleep. Questioned why I did not hear from the Universe that changing my plans was not the right thing to do. Beating myself up for being so worried about getting home that I probably did not listen to my gut telling me everything was going to be okay. Berating myself for reacting too quickly to news of bad weather from others rather that trusting myself to do what I had to do.

But then in the middle of the night when the thunder crashed and the lightning flashed and the rain beat down on my window panes, I finally understood why I went through what I had gone through to get home. Like the fierce lightning flashes outside, a bolt of inspiration and understanding flashed through me.

I knew the reason why I took the route I had to get home was because I was feeling really guilty about missing my children doing their events. Missing my son getting ready for his expedition this weekend. Missing my family. Well when I got off the airplane fully expecting to take a taxi home, there waiting for me outside and the first face I was was my husband. Lifting my spirits in ways he could not imagine.

I had been so tired when I got off the flight that the last thing I wanted was to have to make small talk with a taxi driver. All I wanted was the comfort of my home and my husband delivered that by being there waiting for me. Gave me my first reason for abandoning the easy way home to take the more difficult road home.

And then as we drove home, we spotted our son in the midst of his friends, loaded down with his backpack taking a break on a hill. Allowing me to roll down the window and shout out, “Hello son,” Waves of relief flooding through me to see he was okay and had done what he needed to do without me. Seeing his face filled with confusion as to how his parents were able to drive by him. At first too perplexed and embarrassed by our drive by to comprehend how we had managed to do pass him before the relief I was back home hit him allowing him to snap out of his confusion in time to shout back at me, “How was your trip?” Always the considerate son he is deep down inside. The experience of seeing my son when I was not expecting to see him until this afternoon was reason enough for me to take the long road home rather the short one.

And then I got home with the house to myself as my husband went back to work allowing me the time and space without feeling guilty about spending time with anyone to fall into a deep, deep sleep. My whole being telling me I needed to rest. Giving myself the permission to rest without feeling guilty because there was no one at home that I needed to talk to just me and rest. I slept for hours recharging myself.

My husband going to pick up our daughter from school so I could rest some more. And then when she came home, she came into the bed with me, resting her head full of curls in the nape of my neck. Her warmth and love spreading through me. Her pleased face that I was home enough to make the long journey home worth all the effort I had gone through. Worth giving up the easy way home for the more difficult way.

And so in the middle of the thunderstorm, high winds and the pounding rain that did not come when I thought it would but came much later on, I realized though I could have taken the easy path home, the more direct route, had I done so I would have missed out on all the wonderful surprises and treats that were waiting for me back home.  Allowing me to understand my gut had been right all along to take the long route home so that I could receive the gifts I received yesterday that were waiting for me to make the decision I had.

Telling me that sometimes the long and most difficult path home is the best path to take because at the end of it we appreciate more and open ourselves to receive more than when we always take the easy and most expected path. So happy to be home. So happy to have chosen the long and arduous route home rather than the easy one. Because I realized more than anything, we are always where we are meant to be. Always. Namaste.

A roundabout journey home teaches me about life

What an epic journey I have been on to try to beat the weather coming to Bermuda. To try to get home so I can spend some of the weekend with my children and my husband.
I decided to change my flight to get home early only to have spent the majority of the day yesterday in airports and on cancelled flights one after the other. I left Houston, Texas at 1.55 pm only to arrive in NYC at 1 am in the morning. More than twelve hours of travel. With each flight being so turbulent that there was silence on each flight. People silently waiting for the flights to end.
Me praying that I could get a flight, any flight that would get me into NYC on time to get my early morning flight to get back to Bermuda. I really started to panic when we sat at the gate for nearly two hours because there were no working toilets, hearing from the stewardess that the FAA requires there to be working toilets before an airplane can depart. Listening to her telling other passengers that if the plane did not take off soon,  it would have to be cancelled because LaGuardia has curfews on when flights can land. Me praying that something would happen to let me get to NYC.
Then after two hours of sitting they told us we would have to change airplanes because they could not fix the toilets and they did not know when there would be a substitute plane. I panicked even more, texted home to let everyone know what was going on. Telling my husband to record Scandal for me because I was going to miss it. After all I had to make sure that I didn't miss out on my indulgence because of airplane incidents. Thank goodness for modern technology. Not daring to tell him that part of the reason why I had chosen the route I had was because it would get me to NYC in time to see my favourite show. Once I knew it was not going to happen, I had to let my angst go.
We got off the airplane as they were announcing that the gate for the flight to JFK was being changed to a new gate. JFK when I was flying to LaGuardia to fly out of JFK this morning. I felt like I had been spoken to by my angels. I went to the gate agent and in the sweetest and most charming way as possible asked her if I could change form the LaGuardia flight to the JFK flight. She looked at me and told me no at first but I kept talking to her, telling her I had flown all the way from Houston, had been switched from one airplane to the next to sit on the runway for two hours and all I wanted was to get home to my children. I didn't shout or blame, I just asked. She looked at me again and switched me without question, She even bumped me up to the Premier seats. I thanked her profusely. Something in my journey finally working out.
After another bumpy flight, with no service from the stewardess because of how turbulent it was, we finally landed in JFK at about 12.30 in the morning, a whole 4 hours later than I was meant to get there but I was so grateful that I made it to NYC that the time did not matter. And I was even able to accept I had missed Scandal - just wasn't meant to be and hopefully my husband remembered to DVR it for me.
I eventually fell asleep for 2 hours to jump up to get to the airport for my 7.30 departure. Leaving early to beat the crowds only to find myself in the long security Jet Blue lines for nearly 40 minutes, watching people panicking because they had not allowed enough time for the lines. Having been thought what I had, I decided to let the stress go and accept I was where I was meant to be. Closer to home than I was the day before.
An epic journey that took me on a roundabout route with many delays and bumps but eventually got me to where I needed to be. The angst I felt, the anger I felt, the panic I felt giving way to calm because I knew I was learning an invaluable lesson about life - sometimes we will be rerouted, bumped here and there, encounter turbulence but when we have faith and do not lose patience, life always takes us where we are meant to be. Though I was 4 hours late, I ended up landing at the airport I wanted to land in the first place.
Now here's to hoping life intends for me to get home early today so I can pick my daughter up from school. Praying and asking you to pray with me too.

I am the light of my soul

This morning I woke up full of dark thoughts and that scarcity mentality that was pulling me down into the abyss. Making me feel like life is pulling me down. I had no inspiration to write because I was feeling so false, so inadequate. I mediated but the music somehow did not transport me to that place of release I needed so I got grumpier. Wallowing in my place of pity.

And then I searched for one of my favourite songs, Ave Maria and found it on You! Tube but when I clicked to play the song, I instead clicked on the song, I am the light of my soul by mistake. And these words came to be, I am the light of my soul. I am beautiful. I am bountiful. I am bliss. I am. I am. I am. I am.

When I heard those beautiful and lilting words. Truly heard them and felt them, I knew I did not click on that song by mistake, I was led there by my angels, my guides to focus me, to help me, to guide me because my soul was immediately lifted as my whole being began to cry in relief. 

Relief to to know that though there are several obstacles and trials that have come before me, the words to this simple but beautiful song grounded me. Reminded me that I am all that I am because of what I tell myself.

Yes there are people that are challenging me right now. Challenging me to question whether I am where I am able to accept that I am the light of my soul. Forcing me to question whether I truly believe that I am bountiful. To question whether I am bliss. Whether I am deserving of my beauty and the beauty that surrounds me.

So when I listened to this song particularly because I was feeling like I am standing still while everyone else around me seems to be moving at top speed, I closed my eyes and let those words fill me up. Helping me to see I am all that I am because I am. Letting me know there is nothing outside me that can control me unless I give my power, my soul, my beauty, my bountifulness, and my bliss away to them.

There is no one else that can be the light of my soul except for me therefore it is up to me to accept that I am the light of my soul particularly on those days when everyone around me is trying to make me believe that I have no control over that light. Particularly when they are trying to steal the light that I carry naturally within. I inhaled deeply those words allowing them to travel through every cell of my body. Letting each word ignite the light that resides within me. Allowing me to exhale fully and appreciatively. Until the light of my soul felt fuelled and ready to grow some more.Accepting of the challenges as means for growth. My growth.

Next I allowed the words that I am beautiful to flow through me. To allow me to see the beauty that resides within me so that I can see and feel the beauty in all things. Recognising that when I do I am released from feeling like I am not good enough. Allowing me to know that beauty comes from within. To know it is true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder because only the beholder can see true beauty by embracing beauty from within.The most beautiful comes from a place deep within us because it is us.

Allowing me to accept that I am bountiful. That I create either my bountifulness or my scarcity by what I believe about myself. Because what I believe about myself is what I bring into the room with me wherever I go. Even on those days when it feels like everyone around me is hoarding for themselves. Taking from me to have more. But when I tell myself I am bountiful I know I am deserving of the bountifulness and then something shifts. I no longer feel that I need to hoard to have more. I realise I have enough to share and in doing so more comes to me. When we trick ourselves into believing we deserve more than someone else we always end up with less. But when we know that we are bountiful, regardless of what anyone else has, we attract more.

Taking me to that place of bliss that lets me know that I am bliss. Bliss because I am so full of life. So full of all that is full of light, beauty and love allowing my being to resonate at a vibration that allows bliss to flow into my soul, my heart, my being lifting me up even when all around me seems dull and dark. Bliss is having the ability to accept everything and everyone comes to us to help us to reach our state of bliss. Accepting that bliss may not be readily available when we search for it but when we are accepting of where we are, we allow space for bliss to come in because I realise I am, I am. I  am.

So today because I am being seriously tested right now to see what it is that I really want, my mantra is:

I am the light of my soul

I am beautiful

I am bountiful

I am bliss

I am

I am

I am

I am

And already I feel myself floating, drifting, and totally being present in this flow of life. In this dance called my life journey with all its ups and downs. Letting go of expectation when I can to allow for all that I am to come to the surface with acceptance, peace, and gratitude because I am. I am. I am. I am.

I am who I believe I am. I am what I believe I am worthy of. And when I shift from telling myself what I am not to what I am, I become what and who I am capable of becoming because I am the light of my soul. I am beautiful. I am bountiful. I am bliss. I am. I am. I am…