The dichotomy of life

Some days I am in the rhythm

Some days I am in the groove

Some days I feel like I can move mountains

Some days I feel like singing and dancing at the top of my lungs

Some days I believe in miracles

Because I accept I am a miracle

Some days there is nothing that can stop me

Other days I feel still

Like a rock

Like a heavy burden is weighing me down

Like someone is holding me back

I can’t shake the feeling

The tiredness

The aggravation

The place of in between

And then I stop and listen

Listen to the stillness

The quietness

Tugging at the noose around my neck

And I know it is up to me

To shift from the place of dread

To take me to the place where I feel I belong

The place where I feel wanted and needed

The place of abundance

But in doing so I respect the days

When I feel low

As much as I appreciate the days when I feel high

Because without one I would know no other

To be on a constant high no matter what

Means I am not pushing myself

Not bursting through my boundaries

Not challenging myself

And then I wonder why I feel like I am in the doldrums

Why everything is so mundane

Easy and boring

So I am always pushing

Seeking

Trying

And sometimes I go down a path that takes me back to the doldrums

While other times I am on a path of gold and diamonds

But what I am learning most of all is that I get the greatest satisfaction

When I do

Rather than speak

When I serve

Rather than criticize

When I contribute

Rather than sitting on the sidelines complaining

So I accept the days of darkness

And welcome the days of light

They are both necessary parts of my growth

My existence

My life

And for the good and bad days

I am truly grateful

Because it means I am alive

And breathing

And living

The dichotomy of life

Light and dark

Dark and light

Namaste

Remembering those who suffer during this holiday season

This is the time of year when everyone is full of great cheer. One of my favourite times of the year.  Yet there are many families and people that are suffering right now. Loved ones who have recently passed over to the other side or loved ones on their way to the other side. There are families being ripped apart due to divorce, lost jobs, anxiety and all sorts of strife we will never know about or understand.

So today the beginning of a new week, I ask that we all observe in our hearts a moment of love and peace for these people. A moment of silence and reverence. To send them as much positive energy as we can to help lift their spirits in this time of love and joy because their hearts cannot feel it at the moment.

I write this because my family recently sent a Christmas card to a man and a woman who used to come to Bermuda every single year and go out on my husband’s boat when he ran his watersports business. They came year after year and brought friends with them too. They were one of his best marketing agents ever. We even had them to our house a few times. They became our friends even though they were much older than us and came from a completely different background and place from us.

But we lost touch with them as sometimes happens when life takes us on different paths. But for some reason this year, I felt the need to send them a Christmas card. To touch base. Only to come home to receive a voice message from a very broken man. A man who told us that his beloved wife and best friend had passed a few weeks before. That she had battled cancer for the past two years but could not take it anymore and slipped away to the other side.

The pain in his voice was enough to cause both my husband and I to feel every bit of his pain. He told us how lonely he was to have lost the love of his life. How sad it was for him to lose her because they were still very much in love even though they had been married for 30 years plus. Even now as I type this story I feel his pain despite him being in another country.

So today, this Monday, another start to a week, please take a moment today to think of all those you know who are experiencing pain and send them positive energy. Help them to find their way out of the darkness if it is meant to be by just being there. Start by being grateful for the blessings we have in our own lives. Allowing that gratitude to radiate out to those who feel they have nothing to be grateful for. Remembering not to take anything for granted because each of us will experience loss in our lives.

During this season of good cheer, let’s all spread as much glad tidings as we can as there are many people and families that need it. With love and light to our friends and families who need us in spirit right now, we are with you. As we are all one. Namaste.

A lesson from a tangled earring

There are lessons in everything we do particularly in what we consider to be our most mundane, everyday tasks as they are in actuality reflections of who we are. How we truly see our lives unfolding. They are indicators of what is inside of us.

So when we take the time to listen and take heed, to observe what we are doing, being present, we see in every single thing, there is a lesson for us.

Take this morning, I was trying to get an earring out of a tangle of jewelry in my jewelry box. And I struggled for a few minutes trying to free the earring from the mess. Getting frustrated by the minute because I really wanted to wear those earrings. I was about to give up and in making the decision to let go, suddenly the earring came loose. Just like that. Free in my hand. Unbelievable I thought at first. And then I realized it was not unbelievable.

I stood there for a few seconds staring at the earring and the tangled mess that had fallen back into my jewelry box and realized I was being given a life lesson that I had been dismissing. When I stop fighting against what is meant to be, when I let go and let the Universe give me what is meant for me, without struggle, resistance or frustration, the tangled mess I feel I am in will give way to the treasure that is meant for me.

I looked at myself in the mirror. Stared at the reflection of who I am staring back at me and told myself, my life is unfolding as it should and all I need do is live it as it resonates with me. Live it to the fullest. Not worrying about tomorrow or what is beyond my reach but to enjoy every aspect of it even those things that don’t feel comfortable or good that come my way because they are the mess that is tangling me to distract me from what I know feels good on the inside. What calls my name.

So all I am meant to do is to be present to receive the guidance of the universe, the sound of my inner voice and be grateful for everything that comes my way as my earring showed me this morning. Namaste

Creativity comes

Creativity comes

When we open our minds

Without expectation

Without direction

Without plan

Creativity comes 

When we allow ourselves to flow

When we allow ourselves to get into the flow

Like a river carrying us to a place unknown

But trusting we were put on that river for a reason

Regardless of how great the rapids may become

Regardless of the twists and turn

When we let go

Let go

And let go

We understand

Creativity leaves us when we try too hard

Think too much

Panic

When we think we have something to prove

To anyone but ourselves

When we lose sight of why we were put on that river

In the first place

When we fear the rapids

The twists and turns

So much 

We try to swim upstream

Wondering why the journey

Is taking us further from our destination

When we can see the end

But we can not get there

But when we stop

Close our eyes

And breathe

In

And out

Inhaling

Exhaling

Slowly

Slowly

Slowly

All that is, was and ever will be

That’s when the door to creativity

Opens

At first

A crack

A sliver

A passage for us to squeeze through

Willing us to surrender

Surrender it all

And let our intuition

Gut

Inner voice

Guide us

Take us

Show us the way

With gratitude and abandon

That’s when the door flings wide open

Allowing the light of love to burst through

Lighting our way

Filling our whole being

With possibility

Faith

Love

And hope

Allowing us to see the beauty in all things

Because we know we are all things

And nothing at the same time

That’s when we understand

We were sent here

To create

Procreate

To love all and nothing

Because that’s how we are created

Through the process of love

We understand with certainty

It is love that is at the base of all things

Including hatred

Jealousy

And fear

When we know and understand these things

We free ourselves

From the bondage and prison

Of self-loathing and fear

Instead we embrace love

Because we understand

We were not sent here to destroy

Denigrate or alienate

No we are sent here

To create

Love

Procreate

To let go

Surrender

Trust

Listen

Listen to the sound of the Voice

That will never lead us astray

We create without thinking

Without worrying

Without panicking

Without fear

We create from a place of abundance

Gratitude and hope

Knowing there is enough for us all

In this world and the next

Enough to allow us to feel

The love of all that is

Was

And ever will be

Allowing creativity to come

Flow

Take us 

Where we need to go

To be

And we relax on the river

Through the rapids

Twist and Turns

Letting them 

Teach us

Take us

Where we are

meant to be

Amen and Namaste

An invaluable lesson from my son

Yesterday I received one of my greatest and unexpected lessons from my son. I was driving my children to school and we started talking about love and falling in love. So I asked my fourteen year old son if he had ever been in love before. I figured it was a good time to do so because it was a spirited, nonconfrontational, and lighthearted discussion. We had the music blasting and we were all in an open and good mood so I knew it was the best time to get the most honest answer out of my son.

My son asked me what I meant by being in love. I said you know where you have strong feelings for someone. And what he said after that nearly stopped my heart. He said, “I have difficulty expressing my feelings because when I was younger and really sensitive and used to cry all the time, one day you told me to stop being so sensitive. To stop crying so much. So I did. I stopped crying and I stopped being sensitive.”

Even as I type what my son said to me, my eyes well up with tears at the thought that I had caused my son to shut down. To retreat into a shell. I had no idea I had done so. I took a deep breath and immediately apologized to my son. Telling him, it was not my intention to shut him down. Not my intention to desensitize him. That it was okay to cry. Okay to be sensitive. Okay to be who he is.

I told him it was better to let it all out then to keep it bottled up inside because if he did, he could cause himself to have a heart attack or stroke. I told him if he was unable to show his emotions he may be a lonely man because he would be too closed to allow love really and truly into his life. I told him I thought I was showing him love all the time because we hug and kiss a lot as a family.

I thought about the fact that my son does not allow anyone to leave the house without telling them he loves them. So to say I was surprised by his statement is an understatement.

All day I thought about our conversation feeling guilty as a parent for scarring my son’s life. Realizing just how easy it is for us to cause our children to retreat. How easy it is for them to shut down particularly as they are developing. So I decided to put my rather personal situation out there to remind anyone who is a parent how fragile our children really are. How they really take to heart the things we say and do. They may not express it to us right away or at all but we have to be careful with the things we say and do to our children as we may lose them forever or set them on a path we had not intended.

I am just grateful that my son felt comfortable enough with me to tell me how he was feeling so that I could be more aware of the things I say to him. So that I can encourage him to come back out of his shell. To trust me again opening himself to trust others with who he is so he won’t spend the rest of his life hiding from his feelings, suppressing his emotions. My son is a beautiful young man on the cusp of becoming a man and I want to give him the best tools to be the best man he can be. the most loving and open man he can.

And then I found this quote which is so true. “Adults constantly raise the bar on smart children, precisely because they're able to handle it. The children get overwhelmed by the tasks in front of them and gradually lose the sort of openness and sense of accomplishment they innately have. When they're treated like that, children start to crawl inside a shell and keep everything inside. It takes a lot of time and effort to get them to open up again. Kids' hearts are malleable, but once they gel it's hard to get them back the way they were.” 
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

I am so grateful for being given the opportunity to reverse my son’s heart from gelling shut. To be given the opportunity to help him to open again. To feel. To love. To be proud of who he is whether that means he is super sensitive or not. And I am so grateful for my son and my daughter because they are amongst my greatest teachers as well as my students and for them and the lessons I am learning to be a better mother, wife and woman I am truly grateful. Namaste

We must trust others so they may trust us

Yesterday morning I nearly made my children late for school as I sat and watched the funeral of the great man, mentor, icon, Nelson Mandela. For some reason I was drawn to his funeral procession intrigued by the dreary rainy day for the sendoff of Mandela. Almost as if the Universe was weeping for the loss of one of its greatest.

I was mesmerized by the number of people, the diversity of people who were there despite the rain. Symbolic of the change he made by simply being who he was. Paving the way for the rainbow of people to be gathered to honor him. Not trying to be a saint but a man who believed that all men should be equal. To hear his grandchildren speak with such affection and admiration for their grandfather gave me chills.

To see the world leaders that had gathered as well as the common man all joined to say thank you to a man who understood that in order to be free, he had to free himself from hatred and pain. And then I heard President Barack Obama speak and knew I had been led to listen to the words of this very wise and conflicted man particularly when he said,

“It took a man like Madiba to free not just the prisoner, but the jailer as well - to show that you must trust others so that they may trust you; to teach that reconciliation is not a matter of ignoring a cruel past, but a means of confronting it with inclusion and generosity and truth. He changed laws, but he also changed hearts.”

We are all given trials. All given hardships not to weaken us but to strengthen us. Not to cast us out but to help us to learn how to find our way back in. Our greatest jailers are our own minds. Our minds can free us or imprison us and it is up to us to break free of the limitations, prejudiceness and ignorance we carry around with us in order to understand our place in this world. In order to be tolerant, forgiving and compassionate because one day we may find ourselves in the position of the oppressed and when we do will there be anyone to help us because of how we treated them in the past.

I knew yesterday morning President Obama’s words had been sent to me to remind me of the greatness that exists within me even when I doubt who I am and what I stand for. To know I must trust others in order for them to trust me. I am not an Island but interconnected in more ways to my fellow mankind than I will ever comprehend.

President Obama went on to remind us about how short our lives really are by saying  “For the people of South Africa, for those he inspired around the globe, Madiba’s passing is rightly a time of mourning, and a time to celebrate a heroic life. But I believe it should also prompt in each of us a time for self-reflection. With honesty, regardless of our station or our circumstance, we must ask: How well have I applied his lessons in my own life? It’s a question I ask myself, as a man and as a President.”

Forcing me to think about my passing that will come soon. Forcing me to question if I were to die tomorrow would I be content with the life I have led? Could I honestly say I did my best with the resources I have? Could I feel like I had been of service to myself and to my fellow mankind?

Each one of us has been put here for a reason and what we need to remember in the passing of a great man being eulogized by another great man is that we are not perfect beings. We are flawed simply because we have been sent here to learn to grow and to understand we are all connected. In order to know this, we have to be knocked down sometimes, locked up sometimes physically and other times metaphorically, to know that we always know the way home. We always hold the key to our success – not yet material success but spiritual success as well.

Even in his death, Mandela symbolizes the gift of freedom of the mind. And now he has the wings to fly. To soar and remind us of our own personal freedom.

Mandela, your light has gone out in this world but will continue to burn in our hearts and minds forever - the internal flame of freedom.  Amen.

Sometimes I just don't want to filter

Thank you to all those who reached out to me yesterday. Those who were concerned about me because of the blog I wrote yesterday. I wrote that blog without thinking about it. I just let it flow from my heart. Exploring what was there and letting it come out. Letting jumbled thoughts present a hint to me about my start of mind. Bringing them from the recesses of my brain to the forefront of my brain then allowing them to spill out into the ether.

Sometimes I just don’t want to filter what is going on inside me. Sometimes I just want to let it flow and see where it takes me and that’s where I was yesterday morning. Monday morning having to deal with another week ahead. As soon as I wrote the words and let them go, I felt much better. More focused. More in touch with who I am. I thought about deleting the words and starting all over again but did not because I felt by expressing how I was feeling I could possibly touch someone else as well.

We are not perfect beings. None of us. We are human beings with a multitude of feelings, vibrations and tolerances. And some days we will be weak and by exposing our weakness first to ourselves then to others, we help to shift ourselves from the pit of darkness to the portals of love and light. By sharing our vulnerabilities and exposing them to ourselves and to others only helps to make us stronger because we realize we are not alone in our struggle. Not wandering out in the wilderness all alone.

Life is a process, a journey not a destination as is spirituality and surrender. There are times when we are more in tune with the process and other times out of sync but by just going with the flow and exploring it for what it is, for accepting who we are at the moment, we open ourselves to clarity. We allow ourselves to be free from attachment and expectation.

I felt really vulnerable yesterday morning when I woke up, really worried about some decisions I had to make and so I allowed my feelings to bubble to the surface and to expose them for what they were. I was not expecting the outpouring of support I got so I was surprised and pleased by the response and from whom because it showed me just who really and honestly cares about me as a friend, and I thank you for that.

Life is all about sharing and living. Giving and receiving. Loving and letting go. Fear and vulnerability are necessary parts of life because they teach us about what we want and don’t want. They allow us to go to places that we can’t access without first feeling a sense of foreboding. Fear is the barometer that gives us the space to challenge ourselves and there is nothing wrong with admitting our fears. Nothing at all. Some people look at exposing out fears as a sign of weakness but in actuality it is a sign of strength. A sign of not being ashamed of who we are from a deep and protected place.

No, I did not walk around yesterday feeling sorry for myself. Instead after writing that piece yesterday about my jumbled thoughts, I walked outside to take our rabbit out for the morning and as I did, I looked at the clouds, the greenness of the grass, inhaled the freshness of the morning air and felt a sense of detachment and surrender come over me as I repeated, “It is what it is, I am what I am and for it all I am truly and honestly grateful.” Surrendering it all to the grace of the Divine.

Nature has a wonderful way of opening us up to possibility because of it vastness and beauty. Because of its natural flow. Here’s to another glorious day. Another day of opportunity, abundance and surrender. Another day of jumbled thoughts that somehow will become coherent as the day evolves without direction, attachment or expectation. Namaste.