Choice taken away from me

Running here and there. Searching here and there. Too much to do. So little time. Deadlines loom.  Tired. Restless. Exhausted. Until my body collapses under my own rushing. Collapses from going too much. Doing too much. Trying to be all things to all people except myself. Until my body gives out. Tired of crying out for rest. It takes it itself. Forcing me to stop. Forcing me to rest. As it did yesterday.

I woke up yesterday morning congested, fatigued and dizzy. All I wanted to do was go back to bed and sleep. To close my eyes and remain behind my closed lids in the world of in-between. In the world where imaginations are free to roam. Where thought is free to be what it wants to be.

My body had been warning me since Friday that it was not well. That it needed time to repair itself. But I was just too busy to listen to it so I kept ignoring it. Pushing the warnings to the background. Saturday the warnings became more urgent. My head was heavy. Throat sore. Eyes swollen. Muscles ached but I still did not listen. I had too much to do. Ailments could not stop me. I forged on.

Until Sunday when my body gave out. My cells had worked too hard to keep me going. My limbs too weak to lift up. My soul saying enough. Go to bed. Stay in bed. So I acquiesced. I had no choice. Nothing was right. Nothing felt right. Except rest. So I slept and slept.

And then I got a surprise on top of my cold and flulike symptoms, my menopause that I thought I had completed, paused as well. Giving me back my chance of becoming a mother again. A phase of my life I thought had ended. So there I was in bed with cramps and pain too. Wondering what in the world was going on with me. Was I regressing instead of progressing was that what the Universe was trying to tell me. That I needed to be more present rather than everywhere but where I was meant to be.

I lay in bed all day yesterday. Letting go of the desire to be doing instead just being. Sleeping and listening to my body, mind and spirit. Watching For Coloured Girls only. A movie I always wanted to see. Seeing that when we make choices that aren’t good for us. When we know they are not good for us, they eventually come back to haunt us. Frighten us. Take away things we always wanted. Take away the very things that mean the most to us. So we need to be careful about the choices we continue to make because they may lead us down a path we never intended to take.

As I learnt yesterday when my body took control off my mind and collapsed under the fatigue of me trying to be everything to everyone else but to myself. Allowing me the opportunity to watch a movie. Something I have not done for a long time. Without guilt to feeling I needed to be anywhere else but where I was.

Okay inner voice I'm listening

My computer has been giving up on me for a few weeks now. Shutting down unexpectedly. Or not shutting down at all. But I have been refusing to take heed of the sign. Refusing to let it go because it is sop much a part of me. That every day I sit down to do something on it. Thinking it will hold out for a while more. Not backing things up on it. Not sending things to the cloud. But thinking it will not fail me. Overriding my instincts saying to use my tablet and admit that my desktop is on its last leg.

But this morning, it taught me just how silly I have been. I had just completed my meditation with Deepak and Oprah on Miraculous Union  and was starting to write my blog. A blog that felt really good. A blog based on what I got out of the meditation. And as I was in the flow of it, I looked up and there were only 4 complete words on the screen and part of the fifth. I had been writing for about 5 minutes only to find my thoughts had not made it to the screen.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to smash my computer. I was so upset. And when I calmed down I realised it was not my computer’s fault for the mess I was in. It was my own fault for not listening to my inner voice. For not listening to my computer telling me it was at the end of the line. That technology does not last for more than three years anymore before it starts to fall apart. That we are living in a disposable time where nothing is meant to last. And I had to get used to it or I too would become a dinosaur – extinct.

And what I also realised is the blog I was writing was not meant for today either. That I was being led to self-reflect. To know that I need to listen to my inner voice more. To go where I am being led by it rather than pushing ahead and doing what I know does not feel good to me. Because when I sat down at my computer this morning, every cell in my body was telling me to not use my desktop but to use my tablet instead. I failed to listen and now I am suffering the consequences.

My frozen desktop is my lesson for today. To listen and take heed of my inner voice. It will never lead me astray. My ego on the other hand as well as my desire to control what is beyond my capabilities will all the time. So begrudgingly I know I have to start letting go of my desktop. To find a way to move everything I have on it to the cloud so I can still access it on another device and call it a day. Hopefully I have not waited too long. Hopefully I will still be able to salvage what I have.

I also have to be grateful for the fact that there is a cloud and there is a possibility I will be able to restore my writings on my new tablet. Keep your fingers crossed I am able.

And for my lesson on listening to my inner voice and for having a backup device to continue to write, I am truly grateful. Okay inner voice I am listening, ok. 

Antoinette Tuff, the power of surrender

Every once in a while I come across a story that touches my heart. A story that makes me feel great to be alive. To know there are people in this world who were sent here to help others by helping themselves.  Yesterday I came across the story of Antoinette Tuff and knew she was an angel both to herself, to the young man who wanted to kill, the children and others she saved at the elementary school in Atlanta.

Antoinette Tuff saved the lives of several people including many children when she listened to a young man in trouble. Talked to him like he was a human being. Made him feel like he mattered such that he put down his gun and surrendered. Surrendered himself to the police.

Her story is an amazing story. A story of courage, compassion, forgiveness and love. A story of surrendering all to the Divine in the face of her life being on the line. She did not show her panic or her fear. Instead she showed compassion.  She looked into that young man’s soul and saw her own pain reflected back through his eyes and because she did, she was able to relate to him. She was able to understand why that young man had been sent to her with a loaded gun. Why she had been sent to sit in that chair she did not normally sit in.

She understood in that instant if she was to save her life, the lives of the innocent children and faculty of the school as well the other lives that would be lost including the young man’s, she had to remain calm and speak to the young man. She sensed she could not add to his angst. From a place deep within, she knew she and this stranger were sent to help save each other. Him so he would not take innocent lives then take his own. Her to see that she had come a long way. She understood first hand, there is only 6 degrees of separation between us all. There by the grace of God go I was probably her thought as she looked at that broken young man.

She told him he was not alone by opening up about her own hardships. About her own pain. About her own experiences.  That she too had suffered and continues to suffer as is he suffering but she is working on turning her life around. She did not in any way try to diminish the young man. Nor admonish him for his actions. She consoled him.

Made him see her as a human being with feelings and responsibilities not just a nameless face. Made him feel loved such that he could feel like a human being and not just a nameless face. She saved that young man’s family from being devastated by the news that their son was a murderer. All because he felt like he did not matter. That he had nothing to live for and the only way he could see a way out was to kill himself but not before taking innocent children along with him.

She saw that young man was hurting and wanted to be remembered for something. Wanted to be heard so she listened and then she talked. Talked him out of shooting and into surrendering. Assuring him that everything was going to be okay. Assuring herself that everything was going to be okay. And then she let go. Surrendered it all to the divine.

Antoinette Tuff is an unsung hero. A woman who saw a broken young man and helped him to find the light again. Helped him to see that he mattered and as such all the other people around him mattered too. I wanted to share her story today to remind us that everything that happens in our lives is leading us to the place we are right now. All the hardship Antoinette Tuff suffered, all the tragedy and despair, rejection and fear led her to the encounter with that young man so she could help him to see he was not alone in his struggles. That he mattered. All her pain came to a head when the two strangers met by Divine Intervention in that elementary school in Atlanta to forevermore change their lives. To let them both know they are not alone in their struggles and when they keep the faith and surrender all that is beyond their control, life will reward them. And recognize them for their contributions. A powerful lesson for us all.

To Ms. Antoinette Tuff for her courage, compassion and love, I am truly grateful. Her story can be found on the following link: 

 http://www.policymic.com/articles/60379/antoinette-tuff-meet-the-woman-who-prevented-a-mass-school-shooting-yesterday

The art of communication

I have to recommend the Deepak  Chopra, Oprah 21 day meditation challenge to everyone because it always delivers to me an answer I am seeking in ways I could not understand until listening to them. Until hearing the words of wisdom they impart. And the mediation I listened to today was all about “Miraculous Communication”. Something I have been grappling with for quite some time.

I have been wondering why  people feel they are speaking their truths but when some do, it feels like the truth and comes from a place of love whereas with others it feels like an attack and comes from a place of ego. How can one person be speaking their truth and it resonates whereas with some when they feel they are speaking their truth, it feels like it is mired in hate and contempt. And as such it is repelling rather than compelling. And this morning I got the answer that helped me to understand there is a vast difference between speaking timeless truth and personal human truth.

Ms. Oprah opened the mediation with a quote from Virginia Wolfe that says, “If you do not tell the truth about yourself, you can not tell it about other people.”  Powerful statement. She went on to say there lots of things that can block us from telling our truth – insecurity, fear of being judged, feeling unworthy, etc. When we consciously create a communication that is safe, our very presence becomes loved filled and life supporting. She stated that if everything we say and do shows the world who we are, then let it be our truth - authentic truth and Divine.

In other words what she is saying is let it be our essence self. Not our ego self. Our true self. Not our human self filled with human limitations of ego and fear. Let it be our spiritual self that understands we are all interconnected and all come from the One Source.

And then Deepak  Chopra discussed the expression center, the fifth chakra, also called the throat chakra. Saying it is the first chakra in the body to focus on the spiritual plane and it is the bridge between the lower and upper chakras.  The throat chakra enhances our ability to speak our mind.  When we speak from our true self, our words are positive. Our words inspire and lift everyone in our world. As we communicate authentically, our relationships grow. Our connections with each other and the world deepen. An underactive throat charka wants us to hold back in fear of being judged or misrepresented causing us to keep our desires and needs to ourselves. An overactive throat chakra results in speaking more than listening. Both coming from insecurity stemming from ego based desires.

A balanced chakra acts an independent filter for communication. Once the energy is flowing, we know we will speak truthfully.  People with open centers of communication, speak the truth, as their words emanate from love and express that love from the very core of who we are. Allowing us to speak a timeless truth and not personal human truth.

So when we think we are speaking our truths, we need to ask if we are speaking from an authentic place or if we are speaking from a bruised and human place. Is it our intention to hurt or to heal? To blame or to accept where we are and work on ourselves first before blaming others? To find fault or a solution? To place our pain on someone else so we falsely believe we don’t have to carry it anymore?

I know for a fact that when I speak my truth, my authentic truth, it flows without me having to think. It feels beautiful, liberating, and free. And now I know it flows because it emanates from a place of integrity and love. And when I speak from this place, I find no matter who tries to attack that truth can not hurt me because I know I spoken from a place of love. But when I speak from a place driven by ego, feelings of insecurity and fear overpower the feeling of authenticity. Making me believe we always know when our throat chakra is balanced and when it is not. Only then can I truly say, “I fearlessly speak my truth with love.” And then let the outcome go. Letting those go who attack while making way for those who attract.

When we speak authentically, our relationships grow because we grow. Speaking authentically comes from a balanced throat chakra that allows us to speak from a place of love.  Not from a place of fear. It comes from timeless truth not personal human truth.  Namaste.

Love is the most powerful force in the Universe

According to Deepak Chopra, love is the most powerful healing force in the Universe. I believe the reason love is is because when we love we see the beauty in everything and everyone. When we love, we see the abundance that is freely available to us all around. When we love, we do not harbour any of the negativity that keeps us in the dark. When we love, we see light everywhere even in our darkest hour. When we love, we are creative, free to express because we are accessing the infinite possibility that exists for us all as if it was for us and us alone.

When we love, we share with no expectations. When we love, we feel so powerful because we know we are connected to everything and everyone and we are of the One Source.

When we do not love, we are consumed by fear and when we are consumed by fear, we see the negative in everything. We blame everyone and everything for the position we find ourselves in rather than going deep within and seeing what it is about ourselves that is causing us to feel the way we do or lose out on opportunities. And what we find when we go deep is we are so consumed with shifting the blame to others that we focus on them rather than on focusing on ourselves. And if we spent as much time examining our own shortcomings or our own lives as we do blaming others, we would see the opportunities that present themselves to us each and every day.

What we will also discover is those that push our buttons, those that cause us angst and upset are the best teachers we could ever ask for because they are reflecting to us something about ourselves we do not like but cannot see. Until we learn to examine ourselves and love ourselves we will never know the depth and power of love because it emanates and radiates from within not without.

Meditation is a powerful means of accessing that inner light, that motherlode of love that allows us to see and feel the beauty, abundance and infinite possibility that exists for us all. It opens us to experience our lives fully, not by suppressing our feelings but truly experiencing them, feeling them and going deep within to determine the lesson we are meant to learn. And when we get the lesson, we find that if we surrender those troubling feelings to the eternal and one Source, we open ourselves to love and to be loved. Without expectation or blame. Because we understand and accept we are love and that is all. Love - a powerful force only to be broken by our own fear.

A lesson from a lost and returned iPod nano

Yesterday was one of those days when I felt perfectly aligned with spirit. When I felt like whatever I did, was right. Whoever crossed my path was meant to cross my path. The lessons I was meant to learn I did without questions. Yesterday was one of those days when I understood and accepted and fully got that the Divine spirit is within me, within all of us because we are the Divine.

It started with the radiant light of the morning waking up. Shimmering off the windows of my home, Dazzling. Almost like the outside was on fire and the fire was trying to reach my heart. My soul. My spirit. Move beyond my physical self to my essence self. The light was so bright that I at first thought there was a fire outside. Only to look outside to see it was the sun making its presence known as it rose in the East and cast its light throughout my yard. Filling me with rays of light. Rays of love. Rays of gratitude and understanding. I  inhaled that light and felt blessed to wake up and witness its dawning.

I left my home feeling infused with energy. Feeling like there was nothing beyond my capabilities. Feeling truly blessed. Such that later on in the afternoon when I received a phone call from my daughter’s camp that she had lost her iPod nano, I did not panic. Did not get upset. Did not feel angry with her that she had lost it. I accepted it for what it was. I surrendered the fact to the Universe. Feeling if it was meant to be lost, it would be lost. If it was meant to be found, it would be found.

I could hear my daughter sobbing in the background because her music is on the iPod nano for her dance routine she is practicing for a show she is going to be in. I could feel her pain through the phone. I told the counselor to tell her it was all right. We would find a solution. I then asked them to tell me all the places they had been. I also called my nieces because they had taken her to her camp that morning and asked them where they had gone. They told me they had stopped in a bathroom before dropping my daughter off. Instantly I knew she had left her iPod nano in the bathroom.

When I went to pick her up, she immediately burst into tears when she saw me. Apologising over and over again for losing her iPod nano. Telling me she could not practise her routine because she had lost her music. Her little face was broken. Her shoulders were sagging. I hugged her and told her it was all right. We would either find it or replace it.

I asked her if she remembered going to the bathroom in the morning and if she remembered leaving her iPod nano there. Her whole face brightened and she said, “Yes I did mommy. I left it on the toilet roll holder.”

I told her that there was a possibility that it was gone because that had been 9.30 in the morning when it was now 4.30 in the afternoon. She begged me to go and check to see if it was still there. My niece asking me to check there as well. Despite my skepticism about looking, once I dropped my daughter off at here next class, I went to the Washington Mall to see if her iPod nano was still in the bathroom. It was not. I popped into the shop of one of my friends and told her the story about my daughter losing her nano. She called the people that run the mall and asked them if anyone had turned in an iPod nano.

Much to my surprise and joy, someone had in fact turned in my daughter’s nano. But if I am honest, deep in my heart I knew it would be found because of how I had started the day. Because I had expressed gratitude for being here. For the beauty of the day. The world reflected back to me what I was projecting and that is why my daughter’s nano was returned.

We attract that which we project and yesterday was a perfect example of that for me. I had my faith restored in humanity and in myself yesterday when my daughter’s nano was returned. To see the joy and relief on her face was equally priceless when she found out she had not lost her nano. As was her faith restored as well. We were both shown the gifts of abundance so freely available in the Universe when our hearts and souls are open and when we have faith, love and light.

To the good Samaritan who returned my daughter’s iPod nano, I am truly grateful. You may be nameless but our souls connected because they were meant to. Thank you for teaching me first hand that life gives us exactly what we need all the time and gives us back exactly what we give out. Here’s to another day of gratitude, love and light. Namaste.

Seeing through the eyes of the soul

Yesterday I drove my children and their cousins to Dockyard so they could go out on a boat with their other cousins and what a treat it was for me on the drive back to see just how beautiful my Island home really is. After I dropped them off, the scenery I had not seen when I was driving with them in the car. Distracted by their talk, our talk. But with them gone all I had were my thoughts and the scenery in front of me. All round me. And I was taken aback by it. By the natural and astounding beauty of the place I  call home.

I could not help but take notice of the colour of the ocean. The varying shades of blue and in some cases indigo and turquoise. The contrasting colours of the coral beneath the ocean shocking the blue with reds and oranges. The stillness of the ocean helping to still my thoughts. As if it was willing me, asking me to surrender to its calmness so I could surrender to my thoughts.

I felt a sense of peace wash over me as I fell in love with my Island all over again. Fell in love with its feminine and natural beauty. The cloud formations catching my eyes next. Wispy tendril like clouds. Not moving too much because the wind was not very strong. Seeing them contrasted against the azure sky. With the occasion bird flying by.

The roads were quiet because it was a Sunday morning so I slowed down and took my time. Not worrying about holding up traffic. Not worrying about anything really. Just driving and talking my time. Allowing myself the pleasure of surrender.  Took my time drinking in the wonders of my island helping me to see through the eyes of my soul as Deepak said in his meditation.

Helping me to see that everything and everyone is interconnected. That there is an invisible thread that binds us all as we all emanate from the One Source. The infinite of which we are all born. Helping me to understand the soul is infinite because of from whence it has come.

I felt such peace and love yesterday that there was very little that could upset me. That could cause me to want to break with the feeling of peace and connection. Such that later on in the evening when several situations flared up that would have caused me to react in a negative way. all I could do was surrender them back to the place from whence they came and do the best I could with what I had because I recognized that everything and everyone has their place in our lives. And all we can do is decide whether we will invite them in or leave them at the door.

Give them options. More importantly give ourselves options and then let go. Surrendering to the fact that beauty and peace lies in seeing through the eyes of my soul. And because I allowed myself to do so yesterday by taking in the beauty of my Island and allowing it to permeate my being, I was at peace with the flow of life. Recognizing I cannot change the way others think but I can change the way I react to them.

In gratitude for the lesson of the soul through its eyes and the wonders of nature. And in gratitude for the beautiful place I call home.